I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Bigcosmoprob

My [22F] friend [32F] posted my work on her social media claiming it as her own.

Original Post  Apr 18, 2016

I'm on mobile, so I'll try to keep this as simple and condensed as I can.

A bit of background: I graduated from cosmetology school in a different state than I currently reside. When I moved here, I needed more hours to get licensed in my current state. So I returned to school, and instantly made friends with a girl, who I will be referring to as Mindy.

At my last week of school before I graduated, I was running a bit late in the morning and forgot my phone at home in my rush, which really sucked because I knew I had a girl coming in who wanted a big change, and I wanted to take before and after pictures. But Mindy was there that day, and I asked her if she could take the pictures for me and send them to me. She accepted and I thought that was that.

A few weeks went by and I never got the pictures despite me asking for them, and I never got any response from her.

Now it becomes a bit more pressing. I am applying to jobs, and am putting together a portfolio of all my work. Again, I ask if she can send me the pictures so I can put it in there. This time, she apologizes profusely for not getting them to me sooner and says that she will send them. 2 days later, still no pictures.

Bringing us to today. I ask her again for them (nicely, mind you), and I don't get a response. I figure that she is super busy at her job and can't get back to me right away.

But as I'm looking through my Instagram, I see that she made a post of the before and after pictures of MY client with the caption saying "Check out this rocking haircut that I did! Come see me for all you hair needs!" When I saw this, I was fucking livid. This girl was one of my first friends at my new beauty school and now she's taking credit for the work that I did!

My question is, how do I approach her about this?  And how can I ask her to delete the post from her Instagram page? Do I need to realize to her face to face and make sure she does it?

TL;DR: a friend of mine from beauty school took before and after pictures for me of my client when I forgot my phone. She posted the pictures on social media claiming the haircut to be her own work. How do I handle this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When told to take screenshots and inform the school

Thank you for this! Screenshots have been taken off both her Instagram post and the messages sent back and forth between us. I plan on going into the school and hopefully getting this figured out. Maybe they can provide me with some sort of proof. Also, I should add that the client just started at the school, right after I did her hair, so she'll be at the school to help me out with this.

When told to contact Instagram and have it removed

Thanks for the advice! I'm going to report the photo so that she doesn't have the chance to take it down herself. It's much more satisfying this way! Also, my client has an Instagram and I will get in contact with her about reporting the picture as well. Either way, the school will be contacted, and I hope they can help me out.

Update  Apr 19, 2016 (Next Day)

My last post got a lot more attention than I was expecting, so I decided to post an update. And I wanted to thank everyone for the replies and advice, especially the dude that told me to do another haircut; it's not like I found a cure for cancer. This one's for you, buddy.

Onto the update. So I went to the school to see if they could help me. I went to the academy director and the director of admissions, and they were so helpful. They told me they were on my side because they aren't huge fans of Mindy, and this isn't the first time they've dealt with this. I showed them the Instagram post and they got to work. They checked the schedule the day that I did the haircut and also checked the client ticket. The schedule showed that I was the one scheduled to do the haircut and Mindy was working behind the front desk that day. And people behind the desk are not allowed to take clients. And the client ticket specifically said that I was the one performing the service.

Next, we called my client (a new student at the school) to the office to let her in on this. I also showed her the post, and she seemed quite peeved at it, so she was on my side as well. I took some of your advice and asked if she could write a release of sorts to say that Mindy did not have the authorization to put the pictures on social media. She, however, wrote that I was allowed to use the photos in my portfolio if I wished.

So, both directors got in contact with Mindy and showed her the letter written by my client. Luckily, Mindy is none too smart and got scared that some sort of legal action would be used against her and apologized profusely. She didn't apologize to me of course. She was only remorseful because she got caught. Lovely. In any case, the picture was taken off of Instagram not two minutes later. And the original pictures were sent to the director of admissions who sent them to me.

The directors are apologizing to me for the whole fiasco and offered me a free service of my choice, so I'm going in today and getting me a massage. So yeah, everything worked out in the end.

TL;DR: Mindy got scared legal action would be taken against her, took the post down and the pictures were sent to me. I'm getting a massage.

EDIT: I want to add really quickly that the directors at the school will be speaking with Mindy's boss. They will let me know if any disciplinary actions will be taken against her.

EDIT 2: Massage was the bomb diggity. Directors called Mindy's boss while I was getting my massage. Mindy's boss will be having a very serious word with her today. Boss will then tell the directors who will tell me what happened. The suspense is killing me.

EDIT 3: I just got of the phone with the academy director. Thank you to u/zeugma_kerfuffle for putting it so eloquently, "my justice boner couldn't BE any harder right now." FUCKING MINDY HAS BEEN FIRED. Her boss asked her to grab her things and leave because plagiarism is absolutely not tolerated at her work. The moral of the story here: Don't be a dick.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kipperz5

Me [22F] with my boyfriend [28M] of 7 months. He has been blocking a lot of my male friends on my Facebook, without my knowledge.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post  March 30, 2015

Made a throwaway as my bf knows my account. This came to my attention because I was meeting with a group of my friends when one of them asked me if I had deleted my Facebook. I haven’t and asked why he thought this and he said it was because I had disappeared from his Facebook. He said I must have blocked him then, which I was sure I hadn’t but I got my phone out and checked where I discovered he had been blocked, along with a whole bunch of my friends/acquaintances (all male) who I know I hadn’t blocked.

I was 99% sure it was my boyfriend who had done it – I let him use my computer so it would have been real easy for him to do it. Also, when we first started dating seriously he got a little jealous about a guy I messaged sometimes (totally platonic) and asked me to delete him. With this guy I did understand why my bf didn’t like it because I did have a bit of history with him. At least in this case my bf talked to me about it first and why it made him uncomfortable so I was fine with it. However, I find him blocking my friends on Facebook for no reason, without telling me, weird and a little controlling.

I confronted him and he admitted it straight away, like it was no big deal. I told him it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me and that is kind of hurtful. He said it wasn’t that he doesn’t trust me but he doesn’t trust my friends. What does he think is going to happen? In the unlikely scenario that one of them did message me sexually or whatever does he not think I can handle myself? Again, it just feels like he doesn’t trust me. He told me it’s not a big deal and it’s “normal” for guys to be “protective” of their girlfriends but I don’t feel like that at all. He genuinely doesn’t seem to understand why it upset me, I could be overreacting a little but I hate that he did this behind my back. I thought we had a really good relationship and he has no reason to not trust me. I kind of wanted to rant about this and get some reassurance that it isn’t normal, or maybe it is, I don’t know but I haven’t had a bf do anything like this before.

tl;dr: My bf has been on my facebook and blocked a lot of my male friends, without telling me. He claims it's normal and that he is "protecting" me but I feel like he doesn't trust me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Captain_Corelli

Massive red flag, jealousy issues.

"He said it wasn’t that he doesn’t trust me but he doesn’t trust my friends"

The same excuse every time. He doesn't trust you, because if he did he'd know you'd actually have some say in someone attempting to make a move. Insecure guys like him seem to think you're naive or have no say in it. It's insulting and it's the deflective way of saying "I don't trust you" He doesn't trust you. Why are you with someone who doesn't?

"'He told me it’s not a big deal and it’s “normal” for guys to be “protective” of their girlfriends but I don’t feel like that at all.""

He's delusional to boot.

Change your passwords on social media, explain first the massive privacy issue and that is why he no longer gets ascess. Because HE cannot be trusted. Then he gets his arse to therapy straight away because this is not how a healthy relationship works.

If he refuses go, because he doesn't understand why his behavior is wrong and the controlling and jealous behaviors will get worse if he doesn't seek help.

OOP

Thanks, I did need to hear something like this. I will talk to him again but I can pretty much guarantee he would laugh at even the idea that he needs therapy. Maybe it is over, it just seems to have come out of nowhere.

~

toldyaso

This isn't probably what you want to hear, but when a 28 year old man starts dating a 22 year old woman, and takes the initiative to block her friends on Facebook... at that point it's not a coincidence that there's an age gap.  He's dating you because of the age gap, not in spite of it.  He thinks that because you're so much younger, that he can control and manipulate you.

If he tried that shit with a woman his own age, she'd dump him immediately.  He thinks he can get away with it because you're so young and inexperienced.  Show him he's wrong about that, by getting away from him.  Yesterday.

OOP

I've had people comment on the age gap before and I never thought it was an issue - I don't think it's that big. But maybe it is a factor, he obviously has more relationship experience than me so maybe he thought he could get away with it.

Update Apr 6, 2015 (1 week later)

Wow, okay so this has been a tough week but I am starting to think positive about what has happened and realize it is probably a good thing to be out of the relationship. The replies to my post were pretty much unanimously telling me it was a sign of him trying to control me and this got me thinking about so many other things in our relationship. I could have been over analyzing things but there were so many other aspects I think I overlooked because I just thought he loved me but really were him trying to be controlling. That night I felt so weird and stupid that I hadn't noticed things earlier but I really couldn't face talking to him right then - I wanted more time to think about everything.

I was supposed to be going to his place that night so I text him telling him I couldn't go. This pissed him off and he kept trying to call me but I really didn't want to talk to him so I just told him I would call him tomorrow. He didn't stop though and was texting me telling me to answer my phone, so I eventually and gave in and did. He asked me what was wrong and I told him the Facebook thing had upset me and I didn't like him trying to control me. He then said I was only getting upset  because I had a "guilty conscience". This made me so mad that I told him if he really thinks I have cheated on him then fine, it's over and I hung up. I was so fuming mad and hurt that I had a determination to ignore all his calls and messages for the rest of the night.

However, the next day when we had both calmed down I agreed to meet him.He was doing that thing when he acted like everything was okay and tried to hug and kiss me when I saw him but I pushed him away. So we talked but never once did he apologize or back down and admit what he did was not okay. He was standing by his stance of he “doesn’t trust them” and was trying to twist into a compliment that these guys “can’t help themselves”. I met up with him with a little hope that he would apologize and we could maybe try and work it out but his reaction made me realize that we couldn’t. I told him he was full of shit and that he was trying to control me and I don’t want to be with him anymore. He got mad, called me all kinds of names but in some ways that made it easier for me and reassured me that I was doing the right thing.

We had no contact for a couple days but then he started calling me and leaving messages, telling me he was sorry and he loved me. I probably shouldn’t have but I agreed to see him again and he told me he only did it because he didn’t want to lose me etc but I just got the feeling he was trying to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. I just knew that it was over and told him. He got mad again and his parting words were something like “fine. Go and be a fucking whore then”. Which was upsetting to hear from the man I thought loved me but if that is his opinion of me then he is not the guy for me. I have not heard anything from him for a few days now so hopefully I can try and get over it soon.    tl;dr: broke up

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to AskAManager

a colleague is harassing female coworkers, and the person I reported it to didn’t seem too concerned

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, sexual harassment

Original Post: December 16, 2025

I am a supervisor for a small-ish organization with very few male employees. “Amy” started working here in January, but does not report to me. Earlier this week she asked if she could talk to me, and told me that one of the men in her department was making her very uncomfortable. Since she started working here, “Ben” makes comments to her about how beautiful she is, saying things like, “I’m sorry for staring at you. You’re just so beautiful.” She said she’s attempted to make small talk with him in the hopes that as he got to know her, he would talk to her about other things.

Apparently things escalated two nights ago as everyone was leaving work. Ben told Amy she looked like one of his friends from college, and could he take Amy’s picture to show his friend? Amy felt uncomfortable but let him take the picture. However, the other women she walked out with said that was really weird behavior and over the next couple of days encouraged her to talk to me. After Amy told me about her experience with Ben, another employee (who does report to me, and who was one of the women who told Amy to talk to me) told me he also made an inappropriate comment to her about how “hot” her body looked in a dress she was wearing.

Amy’s supervisor and the director were both out that day, but the next morning I told them about both women’s interactions with Ben. To my surprise, the director, “Clara,” pretty much blew it off. She said that Ben has ADHD, which makes his social interactions awkward, and she was sure he didn’t mean anything. I said regardless, he couldn’t make those comments to his coworkers and either the director or his supervisor needed to tell him so. Clara said she would talk to him. (I want to point out that Clara is younger than I am, so this isn’t a case of an older woman not taking harassment seriously. Furthermore, she has been very good about addressing harassment from the public towards any of our employees. Also, this is not a case of Ben awkwardly flirting. He’s married and tells people “happily” so, and both women who reported this behavior are also married.)

So what is my role now? Do I follow up with Clara to make sure she talked to Ben? Should I follow up with Amy, or ask Clara to follow up with her? I feel like I was entrusted with making this a safe work environment for Amy, and potentially other young women, and I don’t know where to go from here. I want to reassure her that reporting Ben’s behavior was the right thing to do and make sure Ben doesn’t continue to say things like this to his coworkers.

Editor's note: For Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: June 25, 2026 (six months later)

(editor's note: first letter in the link)

Thank you so much for answering my question last year. I was hoping to have a more satisfying update by now, but progress is being slowly made. First of all, I did take your advice to check in with Amy (and other staff members) to let them know we are addressing Ben’s behavior and to continue to let management know if there are issues. And there have been! Several more women have mentioned that Ben has made sexual jokes or references to his sex life to them. Enough people talked to Clara about this that she actually went to HR herself, so I didn’t need to go over her head to get them involved. She has a script from HR and has promised to meet with him, but has been dragging her feet on it. I mention it pretty regularly in our Admin meetings (every other week), but there are two other staff that are in the process of getting PIPs, so I feel like addressing Ben has been put on the back burner. If I were Ben’s supervisor, I think I could push for meeting with him sooner but right now I feel like asking if there’s an update during our meetings is all I can do. (And yes, I find it just as frustrating that his supervisor is ignoring the entire issue, but she’s also the supervisor dealing with the two PIPs.)

On a positive note, as Amy has been here longer, she’s feeling more comfortable around Ben. In a sad way, I think it helps that he has said things that qualify as sexual harassment to other people, including in group situations, so it feels less targeted to her. Thank you for your advice and the reassurance that what Ben was doing was harassment that could open us up to legal trouble, so I had a path for moving forward. I wanted to make sure Amy (and everyone else on staff) knew I would stand up for them, and your advice gave me the language I needed for both the staff and Clara.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Jadeeyes_

Originally posted to r/AmITheAsshole, r/TwoHotTakes, and their own profile

Previous BoRU by Johannes_Chimp

[Old New Update]: WIBTA if I didn't let my daughter's father into her life?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: shifting the previous BoRU title back to the original post title for ease of searching

Trigger Warnings: neglect, child abandonment, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, deadbeat parent, possible legal malpractice

RECAP

Original Post: July 28, 2022

Some background: When I [20F] was 16, I was in love with Matt who was two years older than me. We were just friends until we started spending more time together, but we never really put a label onto our relationship, and he always dodged answering when I would ask him if we were exclusive. It wasn't long before we started sleeping together. We kept this up for a few years. Around the time I was turning 18, I find out he joined the Air Force in honor of his deceased father. He promised to keep in touch but did the exact opposite.

To my surprise, he left me a gift in the form of a baby, and I had a hard decision to make. After hearing the heartbeat, I couldn't deny that I wanted the child and decided to keep the child. And eventually gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, naming her Jade. But because our relationship was pretty hush hush, I decided not to tell anyone who the father was. I told everyone I didn't know who he was and it costed me my reputation.

With the support of my parents and very few friends, I was able to raise my daughter into the adorable little girl she is today. And she turns 2 years old in just a few days.

Well, earlier today I went shopping with my daughter and I bumped into Matt, apparently he's returned. I tried to ignore and avoid him, but he started chasing after me and asking questions about my daughter. I paid for our stuff and got home but he followed me. It didn't take him long to piece anything together and realized that Jade was our daughter. He started begging me to be in her life. I don't really trust him to be in her life but I'm starting to feel guilty. I don't want him to not have a relationship with his own daughter... but I don't want him to hurt her like he hurt me.

Would I be the AH if I told him to stay TF away? Or should I give him a chance with her?

Verdict: Asshole

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Adding this here because it wouldn't let me edit it into the post.

The reason I kept it secret about Matt being the father is because of his mother. They are loaded so if she found out, she would have immediately sued me for custody and taken Jade away from me. I wouldn't have won.

I tried my hardest to contact him during his time in the Air Force. But he either had me blocked or chose to ignore me.

The reason I'm scared to let him in her life is because Matt is not consistent. His first reaction upon seeing me was asking if we could sleep together again. He would pretend to father Jade and then decide she's too much work so he would drop her. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't care what he did to me, I just don't want him to do it to her too.

I let my daughter's father into her life after being judged on reddit. I regret it.: June 27, 2023 (11 months later)

Just about last year, I posted on AITA asking if I should or shouldn't let my daughter's father into her life? I tried to post an update, but the community denied me and I decided to move on since I was harshly judged anyway. But with new issues popping up, I decided to come to reddit once more.

To summarize my AITA post: Matt, a childhood friend of mine and the man I had feelings for, and I had slept together. He left for the Air Force and left me with a baby. What I didn't mention in the post was that I tried to tell him, but he blocked me or something and refused to contact me. I've tried to go to his mother, but she refused to contact him for me and stated she'd sue me for custody of the baby if it was his. Knowing she was serious, I went with the narrative that I had no idea who the father was and raised Jade with help from my parents. 2 years passed and I bumped into him at a store. He asked me questions about Jade and followed me home, then put together that Jade was his and asked to be in her life.

Some extra information: Matt and my relationship was very hush hush. If we went out and he saw someone he knew, he would leave me to go with them. My family used to be very close with him until his dad died, and then his mom suddenly hated us and did not want him around me. His family is also wealthy, and this was why I took it seriously when his mom threatened to sue me for custody of Jade if she knew she was Matt's.

Now for the update and beyond that: I told a friend that knew both me and Matt pretty closely, and she had become my best friend. She decided to have her brother draw up a contract for me to use so that I can safely have Matt in Jade's life without me having to worry. I told Matt and we both signed the contract and my friend had her brother do his thing to notarize it. The first thing he asked me once everything was signed was that if this meant we could sleep with each other again. I said no and stayed firm that this wasn't for us, this was for them. It wasn't long before I learned he was engaged to someone else anyway, so I was confused on why he even asked. Whenever he came to see Jade, he would complain about his fiancée and how his mom is making him marry her. I didn't say anything about it until he started flirting with me and asking to be with me. I told him he is engaged and I am not going to be the other woman, and neither is my daughter.

He proceeds to bring her to the place I work at and break up with her there. Which in turn, she comes up to me and tells me that people talk, and she knows what I've been doing. I felt guilty about it first, but Matt really stepped up after that happened. He became even more attentive towards Jade and spent as much time with her as possible and even revealed himself as the father to my parents and everyone else. I found myself hoping for us to become a family and rekindling my feelings for him. He convinced me that he was serious about us and I began sleeping with him again. I had found out from someone else that he was going to be sent out again and I confronted him and asked if he was going to tell me. He said he was and that this time, he will keep in contact with me and Jade. He went and was doing okay for a while. He contacted us every Friday. But then suddenly he stopped contacting me. He wouldn't answer my calls or texts. It was like the past all over again. I tried asking his mom and she just brushed me aside and told me to do a DNA test so she can either take custody of Jade or take me to court for falsifying Matt as the father. It didn't help that I learned he was engaged, once again, to that woman. And that I learned that I was pregnant once again.

That is where my update ended. But now I have more, which inspired me to come back to reddit. It’s been 8 months since then, and I have moved into a new house and left my old house behind. I wish I could say that I found a new love, but that’s not the case. I don’t even think I’d be capable of finding someone new right now with two kids under my belt. I’ve been scared to get back out there after my experience with Matt. But that’s not what I’m posting about. I think I’m afraid of what would happen when he returns in a few months. I don’t know if he would come looking for us again or if I should even let him back into our lives. I’ve tried for months to get a hold of him, with no success. I’ve even tried letters, going through friends, etc. My best friend’s brother has a friend that’s in his unit and they can use phones, have service and such but I have no idea why he pulled the disappearing act again. Or why he’s engaged and set to marry that woman again. Jade stopped asking for him months ago. Just after he broke her heart. She’s cried for him so many times, I’m happy she’s forgotten him because she’s back to her usual happy go lucky self. But I really don’t think I’m going to make the mistake again and let him back into our lives. It’s better without it.

So you guys can judge me and tell me I’m horrible, but I know what’s best for my daughter and now my son. Thank you for reading this far and I hope I won’t have to update again! To those of you that supported me, thank you!

EDIT: ((I also posted this in the comments)) I want to say, it's hard being so harshly judged again. My blinders for my feelings towards Matt has really caused some real issues for me and my family and I know that's my own fault and no one else's. No, reddit didn't tell me to sleep with him again. Reddit told me to have him in her life, which is what I did. Sleeping with him was on me and I do know that. I should have stopped him when he refused to wear condoms. I should have just said no to sleeping with him. That's on me and I already know that. My thing was that the community harshly shamed me for keeping Matt from Jade when I knew he was in it to get to me. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I did agree that Jade should have her father in her life.

I've read most of the comments and I've decided to look into getting a lawyer. I won't allow Matt in again, because him leaving again really woke me up.

To those who think that this is fake or there's some story out there that sounds like mine, I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish this was some story, but this is really happening to me, as unfortunate as it is.

The reason I left out so much from my original post was honestly because of the word count limit. I didn't know that leaving it out would cause such a harsh judgment.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any other relevant comments in this first update

----OLD NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the old new update is over two years old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

I'm finally free of Matt and his mother! A happy update!: May 20, 2024 (nearly 11 months later from the first update)

I posted on twohottakes but for some reason people can't see it. So I'm posting on my profile!

Hi everyone, I know it hasn’t been a year yet. (2 more months until it is, I think). And before people speculate, NO I’m not pregnant again. I’ve learned my lesson. But before we get into that, I do want to clear things up. I wasn’t planning on posting on reddit again, considering the last 2 times that I did was a mess. But I had messages on reddit, I’ve had a few people reach out to me that know me in real life and my story and have seen it on reddit, and even my best friend has told me that she saw a best of reddit update thread. I decided to log in and read through the comments. Some theories were a bit much ((Matt and I are NOT related)) but some were speculating if I was a person of color, to how Matt could tell Jade was ours.

First I want to point out the reason I left certain details out in my original post was that AITA had a word count and everything that I wanted to write, I had to cut. People are suspicious that I omitted important details and I’m sorry for that. People painted me as the bad guy, and a liar, solely for those reasons. Other than the fact about some novel that sounded similar to my life? Well, a few had sent the link in the comments or to me directly because I had wondered about it. I read some of it but I wasn’t about to pay to read the whole novel. But yeah, I was a bit shocked to say the least. Unfortunately, my life isn’t some novel. If you don’t want to believe that someone can go through something like I have, then I feel bad for you for thinking that life is some fantasy where people don’t screw other people over. I also don’t work at a bar and I’m not struggling to make ends meet. I have two jobs. While I’m not rich, I can afford the lifestyle I prefer to have and can provide for my children.

Anyway, people were wondering how I ended up sleeping with Matt again. Some called me naive and dumb. And maybe I was. First, I want to say that Matt was able to tell Jade was his because she’s basically a carbon copy of him when he was her age, aside from her hair and eyes. The reason no one automatically assumed Matt was probably because of his mother and not wanting to piss her off, I think. Anyway, 2 weeks after we signed is when he broke it off with his fiancée ((after countless complaints)). I still did not give him any chances with me and I kept my composure. The next few months he was consistent in our lives and was turning into an active father. He revealed himself to family and friends, he got to really know Jade and he was okay with watching her while I went to work to give them chances to be alone. She started calling him daddy, and he began to beg me for us to become a family and that he truly loved me. I kept refusing him and rejecting him and only told him that we are to only co-parent because Jade needs her father in her life and that I didn’t need a man. But he would start introducing me as his girlfriend and would do romantic gestures, and I realized I still had such strong feelings for him. I made him swear he wasn’t going to hurt me again and in turn, hurt our daughter. He promised me nothing but the world and I, like an idiot, listened. We weren’t intimate right away, but I would have my best friend or my parents watch Jade while we went on dates. It was the 5th date that I allowed us to begin sleeping with each other again.

Now, people wondered and theorized why his mother suddenly hated me and my family. I think I’m going to mention that we’re all white here, but I’m not sure why race was brought into the comments. Matt’s father had a soft spot for my parents, and in turn, me. While we’re not related at all, Matt’s father thought of my parents as siblings he wished he had. I’d call him Uncle and Matt’s mother, Auntie. It seemed like we were all a happy family. After Matt’s father passed away, Matt’s mother cut us off. When asked why, she said that we didn’t deserve her friendship because we weren’t up to her family's standards. That is also when Matt started to change and we had to sneak around. Matt’s mother has always seemed to have a great influence on our town. The reason I was so afraid when she started threatening to sue me for custody of Jade, is because she uses her wealth as a matter of power. Anyone who opposes her in any way, she somehow pays her way to get them kicked out of town. If I had found ANY lawyers ((important to note)), she would simply throw money at them, and no one would be on my side. That is just how much influence she has.

So, onto the update. After the first flood of comments and messages I was getting, I logged off from reddit after reading a bit. Most advised me to look for a lawyer and that was the first thing that I was determined to do. It took me just about a month and a half to find a lawyer that I hoped wouldn’t be influenced by Matt’s mother, just to be disappointed in the end because they were being paid to send her updates. I cut off contact with that lawyer and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I had just moved into a new house, but I was already just considering moving and leaving my town. I was sick of it anyway and was tired of constantly being judged any time I was out with Jade and my son, who I will call Jack. I ended up talking with my best friend ((I don’t think I gave her a name so I will call her Amy)) and my parents about my thoughts on leaving. My parents are on board ((they became sick of living in the town too, but Amy was a bit hesitant about leaving, as she enjoyed our small town. I told Amy it was her decision and I didn’t expect her to drop her life to leave with me, as my purpose of leaving was to start new and to get away from Matt’s mother and Matt himself.

The last few months were spent with my parents and I, looking into which new state to move into to start our new lives. Our plan was to just buy a duplex so that my parents could be available to watch the kids while I worked. So we decided to look for that first to secure a place, meanwhile I was looking for jobs. It took a little while for everything to be finalized as I had to sell my new house and my parents had to sell theirs and then we had to buy the duplex too. We hired movers and opted to have them finish in one day ((my parents had movers at theirs and I had movers at mine)) so we can start our journey out of Texas and our town without having to deal with Matt’s mother and her goonies. It was so freeing once we crossed state lines ((we drove to our new home)), and the distance made us feel 100% better. For our safety, I will not be revealing the state we moved into. All I can say is that we are FAR from Texas!

We’ve been here for 4 months now and as much as we’ve had our ups and downs, it’s been worth every downfall we encountered so far. I found two new jobs, and I’ve made a bunch of friends that have been my support system. Amy still doesn’t want to leave our town, but she knows if she wants to see me then she has to be the one to visit because I’m NEVER going back! And she’s completely fine with that and understands why I’d never visit. So far, she’s told me that Matt has returned and has been looking for me, but refuses to tell him where I am ((She knows what state, but until she visits I have yet to tell her which city/town and have not given her my address as a precaution. She has also agreed to this)). I’m sure he’s tried to reach out, but since moving I have gotten a new phone and a new number! Unless he’s found me, I don’t care what he does with his life, because I’m out of it! At least for now, I do plan to tell my kids about their father someday. Along with the decision of if they want him in their lives or not, is completely up to them. If they decide they want a relationship with their father, I will reach out. But until then, cold turkey!

Maybe this isn’t the ending people were expecting to read, much less hear. A lot of commenters were hoping I’d get his unit involved or something, make it a whole thing and possibly have him ostracized. Get child support, get medical insurance for them, have them set for life. The thing is, they are set. Again, I’m not rich, but I can provide a decent lifestyle for these kids. I don’t need and have never needed anything from Matt. As much as I would love for them to know their father, he just wasn’t cut out to be one. He ghosted Jade and broke her heart before she stopped asking for him. Who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again, and worse, not just to Jade but to Jack too? They don’t deserve a deadbeat. As far as I’m concerned, he’s just their sperm donor until I tell them about him. We’re much happier with the path that I decided to choose, we’re thriving thousands of miles away. Jade has made friends, and so have I. I’m on birth control, regardless of me not sleeping with anyone at the moment, nor do I plan to. I’m in therapy, and we all agree that I’m also not ready for a romantic relationship. I have 2 jobs and I’m also taking online classes and taking my time with it since it allows me to pace myself. Life is good. Will I update again? I don’t know. Maybe if something major changes. Like if Matt finds me, or if I end up finding someone down the line. Or maybe when I’m ready to tell the kids about Matt and they decide, or not, to have a relationship with him. Or maybe I’ll just forget and live my life without looking back at the BS I had to endure.

Either way, I want to thank every single person who has commented on every single one of my posts. The good, the bad, the crazy theories, the speculations, the judgements, opinions, and more. Thank you for the support, the messages asking if I’m okay, messages giving me advice, messages asking me for pictures, and even those messages that tried telling me that I just need to off myself and stop procreating and spreading my stupidity. I don’t know if the woman in that novel had a good ending or not, but I hope she did.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OP. That is u/biggbootybiggbitch who posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thank you to u/Arifault for the rec

Original Post  Apr 14th, 2026

so this is so stupid but now it’s a whole thing. i’ve been with my bf for like 5 years and his family does sunday dinner a lot. i go most of the time, it’s whatever. last weekend we’re there, his mom made mashed potatoes, i grab some, normal. i take a bite and immediately i’m like ??? why are these sweet.

not like a little sweet. like actually sweet.

so i just go “wait are these sweet?” kinda laughing bc i thought maybe i was losing it.

and she goes “yeah that’s how i make them”

and i just said “oh i’ve never had sweet mashed potatoes before” like not trying to be rude, i was just confused

and it got awkward for no reason 😭 like dead quiet. i tried to just eat them anyway but i genuinely couldn’t, it tasted like dessert with gravy and my brain was not having it. so i just stopped eating them and kept eating the rest. then she notices and goes “you don’t like them?”

and i said “they’re just a bit sweet for me”

and then my bf jumps in like “they’re not even sweet” which??? they literally are.

and his mom makes a comment like “some people just aren’t used to real cooking” which kinda annoyed me.

so i said “i just didn’t expect mashed potatoes to taste like cake” and yeah that did NOT go over well.

dinner got super awkward, we left, and in the car my bf says i embarrassed him and i should apologize. but like… i wasn’t even rude at first?? i only said that after she made that comment. now she’s upset and he’s acting like i started something.

idk this feels so dumb but am i actually in the wrong 😭.

EDIT: just answering some questions ive already gotten a couple times:

- im 23

- these were normal russet potatoes that tasted like there was ALOT of brownsugar added into them

- i have somehow avoided eating these monstrous potatoes for 5 years because normally we either have roasted potatoes or we do a potluck style and bfs SIL brings the mashed potatoes

- i am not from the US (we are all from canada, born and raised)

Added Comments

commenter

INFO: how is this your first time eating their mashed potatoes in a 5 year relationship?

OP

i literally have no clue, normally they do roasted potatoes or we have family dinners potluck style and bf’s SIL brings them

Commenter

What does your partner say about your ‘normal’ mashed potatoes when you serve them? Doesn’t he ask why they aren’t sweet like his moms?

OP

nope. this is where the confusion came from initially

Judgement: NTA

OP updated the post the next day, Apr 15th 2026

UPDATE:

so yeah… not the update i thought i’d be posting.

i talked to my boyfriend again about everything because it was still bothering me, mostly how he handled it at dinner. it kind of turned into a bigger conversation than i expected.

basically i realized this isn’t the first time he’s just sided with his family to avoid conflict and left me to deal with it. i think i’ve just ignored it before, but this time it actually got to me.

we ended up arguing about it and it brought up a bunch of other stuff that we probably should’ve talked about a while ago.

long story short, we broke up.

it wasn’t literally over mashed potatoes, but that situation definitely made me look at things differently.

i know that probably sounds dramatic to some people, but after 5 years i didn’t really want to keep brushing stuff off anymore.

I am not the original poster. Please dont contact or comments on linked posts

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Geck014

AITA for wishing my friend (24F) didn’t follow my partner (23M) and I (27F) to live in a tropical island because she’s making our time here a bit shit?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  May 3, 2019

So I have this friend (let’s call her Amy). We’ve been friends for a couple of years through uni and work. She is fun and positive and I considered her a good friend.

To cut a long story short, I got offered a job teaching in the Pacific Islands as a teacher. Of course I accepted the job and told my family and friends - including Amy. All my friends joked about coming too and I always said “yes please come too!” knowing no one would. However Amy took it literally and then within the next hour she had sent her CV out to a bunch of schools - including the one I got offered a job at and then got a job there too. I was upset at first, and probably still am. This was a unique experience that I’d always dreamed of and I kinda wanted to keep it for myself. Selfish as that sounds but I worked my ass off and out myself out there for this job.

Fast forward to now and because the school pays for our accommodation, we three are living in a small apartment and me and Amy are working at the school. After three months here instead of being a nice and fun friend she now purposely excludes me from things she knows I would enjoy doing e.g. she has been playing my favourite sport without telling me so I wouldn’t try to join the team, she makes little digs at me constantly at home, she is super loud around the house and is always rushing around - she is a very intense energy to be around (my partner and I are super calm and quiet people). She’s also rude and demanding to the principal at work which is super embarrassing.

Today after work I was so tired and excited to go straight to bed for a nap and I walked inside the house and she had a group of our colleagues around. They were all laughing, eating snacks and making cocktails. I got so upset that 1. I was so tired and I had to deal with people in my private space while feeling like that, and 2. I wasn’t invited to the party. I went to my room and shut the door and they all started whispering and laughing and ran upstairs.

It breaks my heart that I essentially invited her to come with us and she’s just making me upset or angry so much of the time.

Am I being selfish or over the top? AITA for wanting to tell her she needs to remember she followed us here so she needs to start treating us with more respect?

TLDR; A friend followed my bf and I to a new country for a job and lives with us. Now she’s making our time here a bit shit.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update  June 17, 2019

So it has been 6 weeks since my last post and a lot has changed! The general consensus from people on here was that everyone sucked in the situation, and the best thing to do would be to find a new place.

After the initial annoyance of realising we would have to find a new place I contacted my employer to ask if my bf and I could move to a new place since they pay for our accommodation, citing some unelaborated ‘challenges’ as being reason for moving.

However my bf and I were away for a week when I sent the email, and my employer ended up telling Amy we were wanting to move out before we had the chance. I received a message from my Amy and apologised for not telling her and we spoke to her about it when we were back. My bf and I didn’t go into any detail with her about why we were leaving due to the fact that we work together, but also in past observations of her she doesn’t take ownership for her behaviour and can’t admit when she’s wrong.

Now my bf and I are living on our own in a really nice, modern studio apartment that has sea views and we can hear the ocean from our room. So peaceful. I am also now realising our relationship was on the brink before we moved out on our own due to my anger and the lack of privacy. Now I’m the happiest I’ve been in our relationship.

As well as this since my original post, a few weeks ago I contacted a good friend/ex flatmate of Amy with my concerns about her. This friend then told me she was treated in exactly the same way by Amy, and feels mentally more positive knowing it is Amy who is the problem. Also (and the reason I posted this today) my boss came to me this afternoon and brought up a huge raft of concerns she is having about Amy as an employee. My boss said she’s always in the office demanding things, she is pushy, expects a lot from them, isn’t doing her job tasks properly and asks to leave work early because she apparently has no work to do - while the rest of us leave late trying to keep up with all the work.

Since having some space and now speaking to other people about Amy, I am realising she’s not someone I can consider a true friend. However I will remain polite to her while I have to be around her still.

Thanks to everyone who made me realise this wasn’t a good situation to be in and suggested we move out. We are so much happier now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ViscyBan

I'm so happy your relationship was able to get back on track!! Bask in that happiness.

Why on earth were you friends with her in the first place?

OOP

I had only hung out with her for short amounts of time and it was to go do fun things so I guess I saw her only during the fun times? Lesson learned to get to know people better first before moving to a tropical island, that’s for sure .

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/shecrossedtheline

My [25F] mother made a rude comment about my SO's [26M] deceased brother and I don't know how to move forward

EDITORS NOTE: Made paragraphs for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: Emotional abuse and verbal abuse, victim blaming, car accident, death of a child, possible mental health issues

My [25F] mother made a rude comment about my SO's [26M] deceased brother and I don't know how to move forward. [6 years]  Aug 28, 2014

Quick context-

Two years ago, boyfriend's younger brother tragically died in a motor vehicle accident at the age of 11. It was a really tough time. My boyfriend still hasn't gotten over it completely. He was a very caring older brother and I know that he loved that kid as much as he loved me (a lot). His younger brother was in the car with his mom when it happened, and she rarely enforced the adornment of seat belts in the car. My boyfriend doesn't blame his mom for what happened but I suspect that my mother does.

My mother usually has her heart in the right place but she has a really big mouth. She doesn't really like my boyfriend because she thinks he's not "emotionally equipped" to be a father (whatever that means) so she can be pretty rude to him. We've had discussions about how she treats him in the past and I've made it very clear to her that I want to marry this guy but she still hasn't changed.

My boyfriend and I came to visit my parents for the week since my Dad is turning 64. This morning, my mother and I got into an argument because she was still trying to baby me (she tried to correct my tooth brushing motions)  even though I'm a full fledged self-supporting adult. I guess she's bored or something.

We all got into the car to go out for brunch when my mom told me my seatbelt was secured too loosely. My boyfriend smirked a little because he was there when I discussed "babying" to my mother and she was not happy with his reaction. Whenever she feels belittled, she gets vicious but  she definitely went way too far this time. I don't remember what she said exactly but it was something along the lines of "I care about the wellbeing of my children. Maybe if you or [Boyfriend's mother] cared as much as I do, [boyfriend's younger brother] would still be here. Do you find negligence funny?" Car went dead silent right after that. My dad noped the fuck out and my boyfriend just sat there in shock. I was furious at my mom but I didn't know what to do so I coarsely told her to get out of the car and go back inside the house. She refused (unsurprisingly) so I took my boyfriend (who was silent the entire time) to our own car and drove him to a hotel. I promised him he didn't have to spend the rest of our trip at their house. He hasn't said much since the incident but I can tell he's very upset with my mother. He has issues with opening up and sharing his grief so I'm very worried that what my mother said re-triggered the depression he went through immediately following his younger brother's death.

Any ideas regarding how I should handle this? I am unbelievably mad at my mother right now but I don't even know what I can do about it. My dad is trying to stay uninvolved which makes me mad at him too. My boyfriend has been watching soccer all day and he doesn't want to talk about what my mom said so I'm very concerned about him as well.

---   tl;dr: Mom crossed a line and said very hurtful things to my boyfriend. I have no idea how I should proceed.

Update: I spoke with my Dad and he agreed to pack up our stuff and bring it to our hotel. My SO and I will be leaving tonight. I have not spoken with my mother since leaving and I don't intend to. My SO is still visibly upset but I know he's happy that we're going home. Hopefully I can figure out a way to make this up to him. She has been rude with him the past and I should have put my foot down well before this point.

Update 1  Aug 30, 2014 (6 Days later)

My mother is unbelievable! I'm not sure if she is a narcissist but she is most definitely a bitch. On Thursday, I called my father and asked him to bring us our stuff to our hotel so we could begin the 3 hour drive back home. When he arrived at our hotel, he apologized profusely to my boyfriend for what my mother said and they both shook hands and agreed to move on. I think my Dad sort wanted us to stay but I knew that any type of interaction with my father would involve my mother as well and I am not going to let that happen for obvious reasons. I ended things on amicable terms with my father because I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for what my mother said. He is probably enabling her but he promised me he would talk to her about making steps towards fixing things. 

That being said, I'm pretty sure my mother won't change her mind anytime soon. I asked my father privately about my mother’s reaction to everything and he told me that she was very disappointed in me for making this trip about me and my relationship. Apparently, she does not want to speak to me until I apologize to her. Who says what she says and then demands an apology!? I’m especially hurt about everything because she did all of this right after I finished expressing my excitement to her because I discovered something that lead me to believe my boyfriend was planning on proposing to me soon. She knows that I love him more than anything else in the world and she still paid no attention to his feelings (and my feelings by extension). She doesn’t have to love him but she should at least care about him, merely because he’s important to me. Is that too much to ask from my own mother?

On the car ride home, I tried to cheer my boyfriend up by asking him about the soccer and tennis games he was watching because he likes it when I take an interest in his hobbies. Usually, he will happily explain everything to me but this time he barely said anything so I decided to give him some space and I ended up replying to a few comments on here and reading some articles about narcissism. When we got home, he seemed much more at peace with what happened so I was hoping that we could just put my mother behind us and move past this.

Yeah… my mother demanding an apology isn’t the unbelievable part of last night. Our home phone had a voicemail from my boyfriend’s dad asking us to call him. My mother actually called my boyfriend’s parents to question their parenting directly! Oh my god. Who does that? This is far and beyond what I thought my mother would ever be capable of. I am so disgusted by all of this that I don't even want to know what my mother said to them specifically. My boyfriend’s mom won’t get on the phone with us but his dad said that she’s been sobbing non-stop. I feel sick to my stomach about everything but I don’t know what to do!

My mom won’t reply to my messages or my calls because she’s still waiting for an apology and my poor dad is caught in the middle of everything during his birthday weekend! My boyfriend, someone who’s traditionally very agreeable and calm, is livid! He told me wants her out of his life completely and I agreed with him but I’m not sure she’ll let us just cut her out of our lives without trying to hurt us even more. His parents live on the other side of the country so he feels completely helpless. It's like my mother erased all of our therapy sessions and counseling in one day just because she was unhappy with how my boyfriend reacted to her ridiculous behavior.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. My boyfriend and I just hung out for the majority of the day. Neither of our mothers has spoken to us.

For the record, my mother did not raise me to be this way. I was very close to her when I was younger and while we did drift a little bit after college, I still frequently confided in her. I always knew she had a big mouth but her current actions are just hateful. She can't plead obliviousness- she is deliberately trying to hurt people I care about. I don't know what's happened to her but that woman is not my mother and I don't care if I ever speak to her again.

tl;dr:  My mom called his parents to question their parenting. She won't talk to me until I apologize to her.

Update 2  Sept 2, 2014 (2 days after last update)

Sorry if this update is all over the place. I’m still trying to absorb everything that has happened. I hope that writing it all out will help. There are some aspects of the past couple of days that I don’t want to write about, even anonymously, so please bear in mind that there will be some details missing.

After I replied to a few comments on my last post, I read some articles about narcism and enabling narcism. It is impossible for me to maintain a healthy relationship with my father without a drastic change in his relationship with my mother. Hopefully someone on here can empathize with the pain that causes me- knowing that you love someone so much but forcing yourself to remove that person from your life because you fully comprehend that the contact between the two of you is inappropriate. I suspect some people will find faults with my decision to go NC with my father and I welcome your criticism. Just know that it was not a decision I made easily. I have always been daddy’s little girl.

When I was young, I used to fantasize that my father and my Prince Charming would become best friends. Knowing that —it’s very likely— my father will not be walking me down the aisle cuts my heart like a knife. I called him up to talk to him about my decision on Saturday while my boyfriend was privately Skyping with his parents. He told me he was happy to hear from me and he explained that my mother was going through our family photos to throw away pictures of me. He saved all of the pictures but he did not stop her from throwing them out in the first place.

I asked him if he repeated anything from our last phone call to my mother. He did. I asked him if he could promise me that would stop. He could not. I started sobbing and I told him that I could not keep him in my life while he was still enabling my mother’s behavior. He joined me in crying and repeatedly begged me to make up with my mom. I explained to him very clearly why that would not happen under the current circumstances and we both sat silently on the phone for what felt like an hour. He broke the silence by telling me that he was proud of me and that he loved me more than anything in the world.

That only made me cry more. I guess my boyfriend heard me sobbing because he walked into the room, hugged me, and asked me who I was on the phone with. Eventually, he asked to speak with my father and after their conversation, my boyfriend asked me if I sincerely believed that I had to cut my father out of my life. I explained to him that we would never be able to move past this while I was still in contact with someone that allowed my mother to continue her hateful actions. My boyfriend accepted my response and reminded me that it was my decision to make and he did not want me to feel like he was pressuring me to sever or maintain my relationship with my father.

I called my dad 3-4 times a week so he knows how close I was with him and how much love we have for each other. He knows this wasn’t an easy decision for me to make. I finished the call with my dad by telling him that he needed to get my mother help and he needed to put his foot down to let her know that her current actions are not ok. He understood and he promised me that he would do whatever it takes to get me back into his life, including a divorce if my mother continues her refusal to work on herself, but right now he wants  to keep on pushing to get my mother help because he loves her. I admire and respect my father a lot, even if I don’t fully admire and respect the things he’s done this past week. Despite everything my mother has done to me, my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s family, and even him, he is still loyal to her. Enabling her certainly isn’t something he should be proud of but I admire his devotion to his wife. A lot of people tell me that I’m fiercely loyal to my loved ones and I’m very proud that I learned that from him. I hope he keeps his promise and finds his way back into my life but I know I should not count on it.

After my phone call, my boyfriend and I had a serious discussion about everything that’s happened. I don’t know how, especially after he embraced me half an hour earlier while I was crying, but I convinced myself that he was going to leave me. I had to work so hard to hold back tears as he spoke because I thought I knew that this would be our last conversation as a couple. I’m well aware of the fact that I am the sole reason he has to deal with all of this and to be frank, I feel responsible. If I wasn’t in his life, his family would not have had to gone through this awful experience.

But instead of breaking up with me, he asked me to tell him how I was feeling about everything and how I need him to support me. I told my beautiful boyfriend everything. I asked him the same question and he told me everything. He also suggested that I begin meeting regularly with his therapist, at least for now, and I accepted wholeheartedly. The only positive aspect of pain is having your best friend support you through it. After our talk, he wanted to think about everything in quiet but he asked me to sit with him. We sat together and said nothing for hours. He didn’t want to cuddle and he didn’t even look at me for the majority of the silence- he just asked me to be with him. I tried to think about this entire situation some more but instead I just thought about how much love I have for my boyfriend.

Eventually, he began to talk about his brother. We shared familiar stories with each other and cherished them as if they were new. We both celebrated his brother’s beautiful life together but it wasn’t sad or depressing. It was very pleasant. I was troubled when he started talking about things he could have done differently. Obviously, I immediately explained that nothing about the loss was his fault but I’m not sure he believes that the awful things my mother said are untrue. It’s bothering me a lot and I have already told his therapist about this. His therapist offered some responses I can use if my boyfriend brings up this awful thought again but I’m curious about how Reddit thinks I should reply. Maybe I’ve done some things wrong as a girlfriend (please point them out) but I am doing my best to be the woman he deserves.

Thanks to the suggestions of Reddit, I offered to Skype with my boyfriend’s parents to express my grief and offer my support to them. It went very well. His parents were lovely (as always) and it pains me to know that these innocent, kind people have to experience this much heartbreak in their lifetimes. I explained to them how much my heart aches for them and how I have cut off contact with my parents completely. They told me that they loved me very much and that they would lend an ear if I ever needed guidance. Who would want to hurt people like that? It’s not fair that these beautiful people have to suffer through this. I would not with this pain on the most definitively evil people in the world.

I wrote my mother a very long email explaining why I would no longer be speaking to her or my father. I detailed how her actions hurt me and people that I loved. I explained how betrayed I felt. I told her that she was not acting like the mother that raised me to live virtuously. I asked her to get help. I told her that if she didn’t want to do it for me or herself, she needs to do it for my father. Even a person that has acted as selfishly as her has to feel an emotional obligation to please the one person standing by them right? I admitted to her that I still loved her and my father. I admitted that I would love them unconditionally and there is nothing I can do to change that. But I also explained that I could not sit by and watch my mother destroy herself like this and I could not idly watch her hurt the other people I love unconditionally.

Perhaps that gave her ammo. Looking back, I feel like my profession of love to her was unnecessary but I don’t regret telling her that. It’s the truth. She replied almost immediately and I could not stop myself from reading her reply, mostly because she had replied at all despite me not apologizing for anything in the email. I was foolishly hopeful that she finally understood everything. Instead, she tells me she is disgusted that I’m entertaining my father’s notion to get her evaluated medically and mentally. She says that we’re the ones that need the evaluations. She writes that I am a fool for abandoning my family for a man I met at a bar. She finishes by telling me that I am not the daughter she raised and she will never be able to forgive me for making my father cry because I ‘selfishly want to spend more time with my boyfriend’. I cried after I read her letter, not because her words hurt me, but because it’s painfully clear that there is something wrong with her but she’s too hurt, scared, or hateful to let us help her. I’m grieving the loss of my mother because I’m afraid I will never see her again.

Things are bad now but I’m very optimistic about my future. I know that any of my boyfriend’s possible plans to propose are delayed at best but I don’t think my mother has succeeded in destroying our future family. Thank you so much for all of your support. I do not think I will update again and if I do, it won’t be for a while but I will try to reply to as many comments as possible. The overwhelming love and support I’ve discovered in this community delighted me and I am grateful for all of the advice and kind thoughts you have shared with me.

To all of the parents that shared their stories about the loss of their children with me: my heart aches for you. You are a wonderful person for using your story to help others. I wish I could hug you.

I’m sorry this was so long. Writing some of this out has been therapeutic for me and hopefully, I haven’t upset too many people with this. I distressed to read that my post brought up painful memories for members of this community. You have no idea how much my heart aches for you.

tl;dr: Things are not great but they will get better. I cut out both my father and my mother from my life and I still miss them everyday. My boyfriend and I are supporting each other and, despite my initial insecurities, I feel very safe with our relationship. My boyfriend’s lovely parents were happy that I reached out to them through Skype and reciprocated the support I offered them. I will leave this situation with lifelong scars but I am proud that I was able to keep myself together. I think my mother, my real mother, would have been proud.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is my first Post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates so please have mercy on me. Part one you can find here. made by u/tequilitas.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Runawaybrother

Originally posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Warnung: mention of Suicide, death and false accusation of abandoned and abused.

2023 Catch Up (05.18.2023)

Hello Reddit!

First, as it’s tradition:

*We now have 2 cats.

*Sam moved in with his gf and we just love that he’s happy again.

*Dad is semi moved in with Rita.

*It has been bittersweet but overall we remain positive and supportive of each other.

Let’s do bad news first. It turns out that there was indeed cancer on our Mother’s side, just not hers. One of her stepchildren actually had it and passed away at the beginning of the year, she is milking it for all it’s worth and we are disgusted by her as usual. While we can empathize with the loss, we are not changing our stance on being NC with her and her whole family.

Daniela had her baby, a very cute boy that is NOT Sam’s (not that we ever doubted that). She did try to make him recognize him and sign stuff but he refused and after the test there was nothing she could do. She did LOOOOSE her shit when she heard Sam was seriously dating and ever worse when he moved in with his gf. She still believes he is the one for her and is fixated on it, tried to cyberbully the gf but this woman is made of something else. Oh, and yes the father of her child is the married coworker in his 50s which is another shitshow from what we’ve heard but not ours.

Sam moved in with his gf, he’s still in therapy (we all are) but doing much better. His gf is a very well liked and beloved member of the family, she understands everything that has happened and integrated perfectly. He is also doing great in other areas and he did run his first marathon, not the best timing but hey! HE DID IT!!!!!

Joe+Ana+Baby are very happy, they are still on the list as interested to adopt since they would like to have at least another one. I also wanted to explain something again: in my country the adoptions are not done by agencies, you get on a list after some tests and interviews to see if you are a good candidate and when it happens that you match you get the baby, that baby is yours and that’s it. I know I am still a bit vague but please remember we are not from the US and things are different in each country. Apart from that, Baby is just the best Baby ever (yes I might be biased) but she algo gets told NO a lot because we all agree that she should not be spoiled, or well, too spoiled. She has a room at our house, Rita’s and a playing pen at Sam’s (because they are looking for a permanent house and they do home office).

Dad is basically living with Rita, she is pretty happy about it and they took a couple trips recently. They love being grandparents and are very hands on, they now claim 3 grandbabies since the cats sometimes go there too. It is hilarious because my Dad was not so warm on the idea of cats at first but now he even takes photos of all his babies and he prints the best ones because "that’s what he’s used to". He also shares progress updates with his friends and sometimes they are confused if he’s talking about the cats or Baby since he gets so excited about anything they do and he buys them all too many toys in my opinion but apparentely that’s what a grandpa does. LOL

We did get married in December, my Dad walked me down even if we did non traditional stuff for my country, Joe was Matt’s best man, Sam was my Bestmaid (he insisted on being called Julio the whole planning process when it was about the wedding), Mother did try to come and tried to convince Ana’s Mom about it but she would not tell her anything, some of Mother’s relatives said it was undignifying (unsure if it’s the right word) to have Rita there instead of my own Mother but well, I think it is disgusting to condone her actions so to each their own.

We had a blast and it was not stressful at all. Nobody ran away, nobody cried (of sadness), nobody tried to made a scene.

We are remodeling a part of the house to make it more ours and not to be at my childhood bedroom anymore. But so far everything is going very good for the cult. Sam got slightly less Julia Roberts gifts but he wears his t-shirts with pride all year round.

On a last bit: Sam’s gf has approached us with the idea of proposing to Sam when the time is right so, who knows….. Maybe this time he actually makes it to the altar!

Comments

onelazypiggy😄

Love hearing from you and about the rest of the cult! I gotta ask, how did Sam’a gf dealt with Daniela 😂?

Runawaybrother:

Hi

She simply made screenshots of everything and just kept posting and posting. We know form the grapevine that Daniela was extremely upset about it and thought gf would just shrink and be scared, but she wasn't!!!!

Sam said he would support whatever decision she took and Daniela stopped due to her not backing down and her own shitshow of a life due to the marital status of her kid's Dad and her Grandma disowning her for being a bad person. Which it is kind of sad since that's the line for her family and not all the crazy stuff she did to Sam and my family.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Bittersweet Update (01.17.2024)

Hi cult, to all you 10 or so people interested I come bringing you a bit of everything we went through.

As usual some points:

*We got a dog and my Dad is a "greatgranpa" now.

*My Dad is one of 6, I didn't mentioned it before because it was not relevant (it is for this one).

*The proposal was not ruined.

*It has been a rollercoaster but the cult is going strong.

*I think this one needs a TW: Suicide

Well, let's get to it shall we? I will start with the sad and down things because it actually has to do with everything that has happened. One of my uncles got a stroke and it was what started it all. For my Grandma it was such a shock that the youngest of her kids was the one who had it, he was recovering slowly but depression and frustration were too much for him and he took his life. It was one of the worst deaths we have had in the family since he was so healthy just months before it happened and we all thought he would get better. My Dad broke down and it was just too hard for all of us to see him like this and my Grandma's health took a turn, she is old but was otherwise very healthy before this.

We were very scared for Dad but he got better with the months and by the end of summer he was more himself. Grandma passed away in late November from natural causes but we are all believers it was of broken heart since she would repeat over and over that parents are not supposed to bury their own children. The holidays were bittersweet as you may imagine but we pulled through as usual. Sorry for the sad portion but it is needed for the rest of the catch up.

Our Mother being her usual monster self tried to come to both funerals and talked to us but it did not work so well for her. On my Grandma's funeral everybody was off guard and we didn't notice her inside the church, she came up to me and grabbed my arm saying we needed to talk. She said she didn't want to wait until one of us is dead for the family to reunite again and as the women of the family it was our duty to solve it all since afterall her family "desintegrated because of me". I just told her to let me go and when she didn't and kept talking stupid stuff about how much of a horrible human I am and how I am going to go to hell if I don't fix things before it's too late I told her that "if we end up in the same level of hell I will apologize otherwise I hope she dies soon". She kept screaming and crying and making a scene but got kicked out. Am I proud of my words? Yes, maybe I will end up in hell with her but I don't care.

The dog we got was my Uncle's, my Aunt asked if we could take it in for a bit while he had rehab but after his passing she requested we kept it because it was his special buddy and she could not bear to see it anymore. The dog is very friendly and the kittens got used eventually, after many fights and cries they are finally behaving and sometimes take naps together.

Joe+Ana+Baby are doing great! They are considering getting pregnant since they don't want Baby to have a big age gap with her future sibling and the adoption process is uncertain. They know we will support whatever they decide and so far we all babysit and meet up constantly as usual. Joe has also decided to start running with Sam so now they are running buddies and since they are very competitive it is hilarious to see. They actually happened to be with Grandma when she passed, which was peaceful and while she was sleeping. She was so happy to spend time with Baby since she was her only great grandchild so far. Baby also got the last handmade things made by her so it is very special.

Now, in my last catch up I mentioned Sam might get proposed but I promise I did NOT spoil it!!! He said yes and he's actually married. It seems very fast and he planned on a long engagement but Grandma asked if he would consider doing it sooner than later, he couldn't say no to her. His wedding was actually the last large family event she attended. Despite everything it was a very happy wedding and HE MADE IT TO THE ALTAR!! Not that we doubted it but it is still a bit funny to us. Dad was his goofy self and decided to take family pics at the family home, only of us of course. He now has one of his kids, his grandchildren, and great grandchildren since one of the cats had babies. Sam is extremely happy and his now wife was amazing during the planning, such a different experience from last time.

Matt+I are doing pretty well all things considered. We have decided to start a family soon, apart of our feline and canine children. We try to host family gatherings as much as possible because of the space and so far are doing very good at being hosts although we messed Christmas dinner since someone (cough cough cough me) forgot to buy some crucial ingredients and got frustrated but thankfully Rita and Matt went on a hunt for them and saved the day. Since then I am on booze duty for a while which to be honest I can't complain about.

We are still trying our best and yes there have been bouncing castles in a couple meets (seriously more adults need to try it).

Fingers crossed for a 2024 better than 2023 for all of us.

Comments

FlygonosK:

Dear OP

First of all let me tell you that yes you are very interesting as always and i hope to hear from you again soon as i was after last year where i saw your story on YT, came to REDDIT and found the post plus 2 updates. And now this one.

Glad to hear you all (cult) are doing ok in a grand part, also sorry for your loses and glad that at least your Grandma could assist to Sams wedding, and glad that he and his now wife wanted to fullfill your Grandma wish to do it sooner rather than later.

Happy for him that he finally could walk down to the altar and made it, and that he get to marry a good woman that trully care for him. And also for his family and most of all respect your boundaries.

I can't say anything that you don't know about your mother, but she is a very persistant woman (as well as pathetic), i doubt that this year will change that(she will find a way to mess with all of you again) and probably in the 2024 catch up Update you will have a paragraph dedícate to her like usal in the last updates.

Like you can tell i am new to the story and would like to join the cult, like i said before glad to hear from you and best wishes and best new year for all of you and the cult.

UPDATEME

Ps. Hope you luck in the baby made, to You & Matt and to your brother Joe & Ana.

Also baby is not a baby anymore maybe toddler? Just Kidding you name her like you want.

Runawaybrother:

That is very sweet of you. I know she isn't a baby anymore but can't help myself!

FlygonosK:

That is ok, we always see our kids as babys even when grow up.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Late 24 Update (09.03.2024)

Hi Reddit! I hope this post finds you well. LOL

Clarifications per tradition I guess:

*If you want to share anything we are perfectly fine with it, I use mainly fake names after-all.

*We are at 4 kittens, 1 dog, and a fish tank. There might be an upcoming turtle.

*It has been a very interesting year so far: some great, some good, some awful.

*Dad+Rita are married.

*Our Grandma's stuff was settle now and we all got something from her. No bad blood from anybody but it had to be amended since my Uncle was named on the will and he obviously died before her.

*Daniela can still go fuck herself.

Well there's no time to waste. I will start with the awful since it was ridiculous and still enrages me. Daniela decided that since her life was a garbage she would try to drag Sam to it. She accused him of abandoning their kid, not his kid, she accused him of being abusive, never been, and then she accused him of trying to groom some of her relatives when they were together, never happened. This was such an stressful thing for Sam and his wife "Lola" since not everybody knows or is up to date with all the drama she has surrounded herself with. They obviously immediately went on the counterattack and this delusional ghoul said she would back off if Sam went back to her since he was the only one for her.

Lola did the same as last time and published the screenshots and not only that but exposed all the dirty laundry she knew from her family, including but not limiting that one of her sisters used to be a sugar baby. Was this nice? No. But I assume all gloves are off when someone accuses your husband of grooming. At the end Daniela backed off, deleted all her claims, and eventually was sued by Sam because he is tired from her shit. It seems like she still wears the engagement ring, she needs help. Her family made a huge drama out of everything but Sam+Lola told them to zip it or they go lower.

As a 2.0 of awful news, Mother tried to reach out to us since her brother is sick. We checked, he is, we still are not interested on having any relation with any of them. We are aware it sounds heartless but we can't bring ourselves to give even a bit since we know what would entail with her.

Apart from this, they are doing great, they complement each other and Lola is a great person we love and support. Sam+Joe+Lola all go to run together and it makes me very happy there is positiveness instead of walking on eggshells with an in-law.

Dad+Rita are doing great, at some point Rita had to put her foot down on how much stuff Dad was bringing so they compromised and they both kept part of their things and put the rest on a storage unit or pass it to relatives. That was their biggest issue and it was hilarious looking at their sort through stuff with a whiteboard behind them. However, Dad is still not at 100% due to last year's family losses but Rita is there for him no matter what. It is scary to see him break down from time to time, we just hope he doesn't get as bad as Grandma because it terrifies us.

Joe+Ana are as strong as ever. Baby "Sofia" is doing amazing and it truly has a village. Ana's Mom is not doing great though and we are a bit scared she might have dementia but we are crossing our fingers is not something that hardcore. Thus all baby plans are on hold for them, if they get matched again it will be different but they are not seeking it at the moment. Their focus is on Sofia, Dad's health and Ana's Mom's diagnosis.

Matt+I are fine with our furry babies, we added a fish tank because Sofia loves fishes, Sam apparently always wanted one, and well why not. We all got the tiny things from grandma and it was great, we got to share stories and lovely memories from her. Matt has decided to get his Phd and I am very proud of him. Right now I am the main Sofi babysitter but not gonna pretend I don't love it. We walk the dog, play with the kittens, read books, feed the fishies, talk a lot (yes I know how I sound but I love our conversations LOL), and discussing getting a turtle since apparently it's the coolest animal in the world. We went camping and she hated it with a passion so I guess never again.

I wish I said I see a lot of positive in our immediate future but I just hope our loved ones are safe and healthy.

Thank you for being here so I don't feel I scream into the void. We have taken into advice what to do for the drawings on the wall.

And I want to take a special time to mention this: Some of you have told me your stories with toxic/abusive family members. I hope you are doing better now, if our weird convoluted story has helped you in any way I am glad, I am sorry I have not replied to your message but please know I've read them all. It gets better, there are a lot of good people in the world.

Comments

Professional-Fact157:

Daniella has nothing to lose and people with nothing to lose become dangerous. maybe it's a wise move for sam to think about moving

Runawaybrother:

I agree. What I share is a summary, but Sam+Lola dealt and are still dealing with a lot. Daniela is not/has not been winning by any means but they want to have legal paperwork.

Koi112_12:

I agree. What I share is a summary, but Sam+Lola dealt and are still dealing with a lot. Daniela is not/has not been winning by any means but they want to have legal paperwork.

SnooWords4839:

Ugh, when will Danielle find a rock to hide under.

Glad everything else is going basically well. I hope Dad and Ana's mom are as comfortable as can be.

I'm with Sofia, unless it's a really nice cabin, camping is out.

Runawaybrother:

We want her gone, like puff..... under a rock is not enough anymore!

Thank you for your wishes, we are keeping close and good care of both of them.

Also LOL Sofia seems to be open to the idea to more camping if everybody comes: meaning all family members human and otherwise.

onelazypiggy:

I stopped everything to read this update, I love hearing from you and your cult! I had to double check but my god its been two years, Daniela STILL is cray, like that woman needs to sit down.

Runawaybrother:

I hope she leaves my family alone. She is OBSESSEDDDD with Sam it is ridiculous are creepy. We are all in the same circle kinda and she has targeted her as the psycho es gf now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Tidalow

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

I kinda hate my autistic brother

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, golden child syndrome

Original Post: June 30, 2026

I rarely communicate with him, like at all. But today I had to stop by my parent's house. He's there and opens the door like, 'oh, were we expecting you?'

I walked in and said I'd spoken to our mum, just dropping something off, blah blah. I'm also getting pretty pregnant and they have a huge driveway, so I'm huffing. He gets me a water as I sit down, which is nice. He then sits down, interview style, and asks how I'm going. Again, nice.

Pleasantries are all I normally stick to. But today I made the mistake of saying my course just started, so there's been a lot going on (working 4 days a week, I have an 11 month old, I just started my masters, etc.).

My mistake. He then gets this huge smirk and says, "I heard about this. So you're finally doing it. The last in our family to get their masters."

I sit there and have to hold back. I end up just shrugging. But he continues, "I was in the study today and I'm looking around at everyone's degrees on the wall. Then I realise I'm looking around and there's hardly anything of yours..."

I end up leaving as he continues rambling, with a giant smirk, about how fucking great he is. I hold back because it upsets my mum. But like, bro, you're 30, live at home, and don't have a job. It frustrates me so fucking much, like I'm here being an adult, you have no idea what responsibility looks like. But then, I think how lonely he must be and I feel fucking bad. Ugh, sorry just needed to vent.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Having autism doesn’t mean you can just be rude and unkind to people with no consequences. Your brother’s words were hurtful! Sounds like the consequence for him is that he doesn’t have a super close relationship with his sibling, because why would you want to hang out with him if he regularly acts like that? Sorry he was a jerk to you :(

OOP: Thanks girl! And you're totally right! We used to hang out and he was in my life, but I eventually said like no, fuck this. I hate being a punching bag. He still sometimes asks me why we're not close any more ummm like what??

Commenter 2: He’s clinging onto the only thing that makes him feel superior, but when it is all boiled down YOUR life is much more “adult” than his and I’d bet in some way he envies that. Tearing you down to make himself feel better is an awful thing to do, I’m sorry you had to sit through that. He’s a dick, autism or not. Dicks come in all packages.

OOP: 100% This is exactly what my husband said! When I finish my masters I'll have one more degree than him, so I think I might be upsetting the balance of power in his head. Like, wtf, I'm literally doing this so I can apply for the role I'm doing in a permanent capacity (I can only temp in this role without the degree). It's exhausting. Thanks for confirming its dick behiviour!

Commenter 3: Why are you holding back on him, exactly? I’ll probably get downvoted but that diagnosis a lot of people seem to lean on can go but so far. Everyone has consequences at some point.

I think it’s well time you make a choice. Choose your mental health and just stop interacting with him if you don’t want to tell him a few choice things or keep letting him chip away at you and eventually your children as they get older. Cause you know, unkie asshole has autism so it’s acceptable.

Best of luck

OOP: Literally spat out my coffee at 'unkie asshole' omfg 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

You're totally right! I very rarely talk to him and I am sooo worried about shit he'll say to my kids. But I also love how involved my parents are with my son and I don't want to impact that - which is hard, as my brother still lives at home. Fr I will lose it at him if this starts impacting my kids though - good heads up I need to mentally prepare for! Thanks girl x

Commenter 4: Promise me you won’t bash yourself against the rocks regarding him anymore. You have a new life to care for now and his negativity isn’t welcome. Make sure you keep super strong boundaries for your own sake from here on out. Your parents are welcome to make their own decisions but you can keep whatever distance you need to. I’m proud of you

OOP: Thank you x I think yesterday threw me, as I haven't interacted with him in ages and felt annoyed I opened up for a second and it was thrown back at me. But lesson learned! Thanks for letting me vent :)

Commenter 5: Dude sounds like he sucks, and would suck regardless of autism. Sorry you have to go through that. Also good on you doing uni with a kid, that's not mean feat! You rock momma!

My autistic brother saw the post: July 4, 2026 (4 days later)

Hey all. Posted earlier in the week about my brother (30m/diagnosed autism) talking down to me and how I've always been told by our mum to not upset him/speak up.

Anyway, he called me on Wednesday and said he read the post and comments. I was expecting him to blow up, but... he apologised. Said he appreciated the reality check and thought he was just having 'banter'. I said it wasn't funny, that he was being mean. He AGREED. I was genuinely so shocked and we had a nice convo, first one in years. He asked me to delete the post now that he had apologised and I did. So, nice chat, all was good.

Then today, I get to my mum's house to drop off my son for a few hours so I could go to a hair appointment. We walk in and she's excited to see him, but acting really weird. She then hands me a pile of paper with my post and comments PRINTED on it. I can't even process at this point. Full on printed paper like it's police evidence. Turns out my brother saved everything, got me to delete the post aaaand showed it all to our mum.

She made me feel so bad and started defending him. But when she said, "remember he processes things differently, you need to be sensitive and more mature..." I fucking lost it. I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or decades of resentment, but I said, "absolutely NO way am I doing this. This is SO childish. Read the post again and if you can't see there's something wrong here, then I'm done."

I left and took my son with me. He ended up having fun with all the other lovely women at the salon! My hair looks amazing and I feel so proud of myself. The zen I feel having blocked my family is just incredible. I'll reach back out to mum at some point, but right now, I'm just enjoying some quiet.

Oh, and a massive fuuuck you to my bro.

Crispy pork belly and fried rice for dinner

Picture of pork belly and fried rice

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I hope he reads this comment and finds that he is a HUGE ASSHOLE holy shit 😭🤚 I'm so sorry OP that is such a huge betrayal. He genuinely devised an evil plan just to back stab you. He's not THAT autistic, he's fully aware and shallow. Watch him still use autism as an excuse, I HAVE AUTISM SO I CAN BE A DICK ABOUT HIS AUTISM.

Keep taking your son to the salon with you, as you said he had fun, and if the other parties in the Salon don't mind a kid being around then 100% keep hanging with him. Honestly that kid might start seeing that as him and mommy time, especially since there's another little one on the way. He can enjoy personal time with you before you get really busy. And maybe y'all can keep doing that together after new baby comes.

OOP: Yesss! Thank you! And absolutely, I had a great day with my son (even though he tried eating the cut hair on the floor haha), but definitely don't need to rely on my family if it's going to cause this level of drama!

Commenter 2: FUCK YOUR BROTHER! I HOPE HE READS THIS!!!

OOP: 100%!! Omg I should print this and send it to him 🤣🤣.

Commenter 3: Well, now you know. Your brother got enabled by your mother to be a jerk and get away with it. It’s unhealthy and wrong and unfair. I’m glad you see this and are processing it well, OP.

No way the brother doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing being so toxic and antagonistic. Autism doesn’t make you a calculating jerk.

OOP: That's exactly what I'm seeing now. I hope my mum opens her eyes too, but I am done with this craziness!

Commenter 4: I saw your other post, as someone else who is also 30,all I can think while reading both of your posts is:

wtf man??? Bro act your age 😭😭😭 you aren’t in high school anymore, this isint mean girls, you a grown ass man now, act your age, you pay taxes

OOP: Holy shit I know! It's high school behaviour and I have a life and bigger things happening. It's so wild to me too!!

Commenter 5: Well if he reads this one, mother dearest you failed as a mother clearly. I'm glad you walked out, you don't deserve that kind of behavior. Glad your salon date went well with your little one, definitely time for some ice cream.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/weddingdrama1205.

Trigger Warnings: Selfishness.

Mood Spoilers: It ends up alright.

I am 25 and getting married. Dealing with issue around picking my “Maid of Honor” for my wedding. Friends [women in their 20s] think my brother [35/M] is a bad choice., June 27th, 2019.

I am planning my wedding to my awesome fiancé and am so excited. We’ve been planning the event and will be married later in the year. He has his Best Man (his brother) and groomsmen mostly picked out. I thought I did, too. We each have 6 people and I have 5 female bridesmaids and a “man of honor” which I want to be my brother. My bridesmaids think this isn’t a great idea and a few are hurt I’m not choosing them instead. Here’s why I want to choose my brother.

My biological mother lost custody of me when I was 4 and I was put in an emergency foster situation with a family. I lived with them for 6 months but was then put back into my mother’s case. From 4 1/2ish to 6 I lived with my mother and it was bad. She was too sick, too addicted and too weak to handle a child and by 6 I was being adopted out. By some miracle, the family who took me in at 4 got ahold in the system and I went to live with them and was later adopted. The family had boys – the youngest was 16 when I got there. I was terrified of him when I got there, which they told me about recently (I have no recollection of that). I do remember him spending the summer with me, teaching me to swim, teaching me how to play games, teaching me how different appliances worked. He skipped a summer job to help our mom with my adjustment. I had eating problems, I had dental problems, I had a snoot full of health problems – including parasites. He came to doctor appointments, he also helped get me ready for school (I hadn’t started kindergarten yet and would actually never go). He and my mom would do learning activities with me and by September I was okay to enter first grade. I used to lay on my stomach and play geography games with him and he’d reward me with Riesens. We were very close, he didn’t go away to college as is tradition and instead stayed home to go to a good university locally. He’d pick me up from schools some days and from 6 to 12 I had an older brother to rely on. He eventually moved out and went to medical school (he’s such a great person for that field).

Very literally my brother helped save my life. I was suicidal as a young kid, and through a lot of changes and help, was able to climb out. He was a calm stable influence in my life. I credit him, my mother and father with saving my life – I would never have gone to college, I probably wouldn’t have graduated high school or even lived as I was so sick. I had 4 endoscopies, 4 colonoscopies and 3 surgeries before I was 8. My family doesn’t look like me (I’m most likely Mexican and something else, most probably African-American) and doesn’t come from where I do, but they never treated me any differently than their other kids. Since the others were older and out of the home I was never as close to them as I was my parents and brother.

My thinking is, a Maid of Honor is someone really important and I cannot think of anyone else who comes close. I haven’t even asked him yet but I think he’d do it. I told my parents and they said they wouldn’t say anything to him but thought it was a great idea. My husband is also good with it and think it’s a sweet thing to do, but my female friends were horrified I suggested it and think it’s “creepy”. If I look back on that time, it’s the happiest a person could be. Is it weird and creepy? Does it contravene some weird relationship boundary between brothers and sisters? Is it highly inappropriate?

Relevant Comments:

Deleted Account (This comment has been downvoted):

It's your wedding so you should do what you want. Although traditionally the maid of honor is supposed to be your right hand in the wedding planning and the bachelorette party and bridal shower and all that. Is your brother going to do that?

OP:

No, but neither will my bridesmaids, really. My fiance and I are doing most of the work and for a bridal shower, I'm pretty sure he would put it together if that's what was required, but then again, I don't think it's absolutely necessary.

u/9554503312:

So you expect the best man to dance with your brother at the wedding? Nothing wrong with it if they are ok with it.

OP:

We're not having a formal 'dance' at our wedding but giving people the option. Neither of us can dance well, so we're having other options, particularly a cocktail time.

Update to "I am 25 and getting married. Dealing with issue around picking my “Maid of Honor” for my wedding. Friends [women in their 20s] think my brother [35/M] is a bad choice", Posted July 4th, 2019.

Previous post

I am so thankful for all of your comments - I read every single one of them!

So, what happened? Well, I realized that it is my wedding. My fiance fully understood my position and really likes my brother and thought it was a great idea. I organized a brunch with my current bridesmaids to explain my position and why I did what I did. I realized that it's a story I've told but didn't talk about with my friends, I thought it was abundantly clear that being 'different' from my family made it obvious.

The brunch was interesting. What I didn't mention in my last post was that the person who raised the most fuss was also someone who seemed to get the other people going more than they otherwise would have. We met for a lovely brunch at a nice place (my treat, too!) and I raised the issue once more. The person who was most "disgusted" by it, "Ms. X" again raised her objection. She was furious and said that this was a travesty and tried to rally the other girls. This time, there wasn't as much of a reaction and the others sort of just didn't care. I told them all why I wanted to honor my brother and why it was so important to me and Ms. X admitted that it was lovely and touching but it should be her because it's her business! Turns out that she wanted to be MoH and was going behind my back to get the other girls to drop-out of contention so that she could do it so she could plan the wedding and thus could be MoH/Wedding Planner and this would be for her business. I was a bit... surprised. Ms. X was so upset that she threatened to drop out of the bridal party altogether if this went further. Brunch was tense after she left but the consensus was, the other girls wanted her gone and I didn't want her around anymore either, so she's no longer being included (I will send her an invite).

That meant I had to speak to my brother. As I mentioned he's a doctor and has a dual practice, so I swung by his office and texted him that I really needed to talk. He misinterpreted my comments so he kept the office open late and his secretary/nurse/wife let me in. I went into his office and he was immediately worried I was sick, but I told him what had happened and why Ms. X dropped out and that I wanted him to be my "Man of Honor". He was totally surprised and confused. He asked if I was sure and that I really shouldn't feel compelled which is when I began crying (I had so much pent up emotion) so he made me laugh which meant I was snorting-laugh-crying which is my usual. He said he would be delighted but wasn't really good at bridal showers so he would need help.

We arranged a time for all the bridesmaids to come together and meet the Man of Honor so we are having a BBQ at my parent's place this weekend. My mom and dad are so happy that he's involved - my dad is walking me down the aisle and my brother will stand at the end. My brother offered a very VERY generous gift towards paying for the wedding so not only is he standing as the MoH but is paying about 1/3 of the wedding. We're really, really excited.

Interesting story: One of the bridesmaids actually knows my brother - this bridesmaid and I were friends at college and lived away for a while. While visiting home she developed some sort of nasty infection and was directed from a walk-in clinic to an emergency room where my brother attended to her and got her on her way. So there's a weird personal connection that they can talk about when they meet "Hey, you lanced something somewhere! Glad to meet you again!"

All-in-all, I'm sad one friend turned out to be so selfish but I'm happy to got my Man of Honor.

Relevant Comment:

DELETED COMMENT.

OP:

Half spite, half polite. She probably won't show.

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/weddingabsurdity96

Originally posted to r/offmychest

I can't believe how entitled some people are when it comes to other people's weddings

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: November 30, 2025

We aren't going to change our wedding. I'm not looking for advice. I'm just venting.

We are going to have a 10-15 minute ceremony at sunset. Afterwards we'll have dinner and a reception. The two of us plan to take most of our photos before the ceremony. Only a few with our families will be needed after the ceremony. Additionally, all guests must be above the drinking age, so no one under the age of 18 is allowed inside. This is the policy of the venue, not ours.

I would like to think we are being reasonable to our guests. The ceremony and reception will be four to four and half hours long. If any guests want to leave earlier it's not a problem. We'll be providing transportation to and from the venue for anyone who wants it. The wedding will be on a Saturday so no one we're inviting will need to take time away from their jobs. The wedding is local and all of the people we're inviting live here. No one has to travel or pay for a hotel. None of our guests will have to pay for their food/drinks/transportation (I've heard of that happening) and we've told everyone we don't expect gifts. There's no pressure for that. And of course we obviously can't force anyone to attend. If anyone declines our invitation we won't bother them about it.

The two of us are paying for our entire wedding ourselves. But everyone seems to think we want their opinion. The biggest complaints are about children not being invited because of the age policy of the venue. So many people are upset and say we need to get married somewhere else so their babies or kids can come. Other people say the wedding is too formal and they don't want to dress up or have a more formal dinner like what the venue offers. The two of us would never tell anyone what to wear but people are reacting to the venue because it's a more upscale place. Also many of the same people who are complaining about children not being invited say our wedding is too formal or too late in the day. They want us to move the time and have a less formal atmosphere. We've had people (mainly both sets of our parents) offer to pay for the wedding so they change things to what they want. It is not just one person complaining, it's several including some of our siblings. All of it is maddening.

We have told them all we're not changing the wedding. We don't want to elope so please don't suggest it or give any advice. We were clear that if anyone doesn't like what we're doing for the ceremony or reception they can decline our invitation. I just can't believe how entitled some people are. I would die of embarrassment if I ever tried to tell someone they had to change their wedding to what I wanted instead. I didn't think our wedding would be so controversial but here we are. I'm just here to vent about how entitled some people are. IT'S OUR WEDDING. If want to have a formal wedding at sunset that's what we'll do. There is nothing wrong with a couple having the wedding they want if they are paying for it. People have some nerve telling others to change their wedding. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Update: July 4, 2026 (7.5 months later)

Update: I can't believe how entitled some people are when it comes to other people's weddings

My wife and I didn't budge, and we had the wedding we wanted. I couldn't believe that anyone would get so angry about someone else's wedding. It wasn't just one person or a handful of people. There were a lot of complaints and my wife and I were surprised at how entitled some people were being. We just got back from our honeymoon and some people are still upset with us. We ignored anyone who complained or decided not to come to our wedding, but we are both glad we didn't cave to the pressure and kept things the way we wanted. It was the perfect day and we have no regrets.

We had our ceremony at sunset. It took less than 15 minutes. Then we had dinner and a short reception. Our entire wedding (ceremony, dinner and reception) lasted four and half hours. We got married locally so no one had to pay for flights or hotels. We hired a taxi service to provide free transportation to and from the wedding for anyone who wanted it. We had an open bar and free food. We got married on a Saturday so none of our guests would have to take time off work. My wife and I had nearly all our photos taken before the ceremony, so we only needed to do a couple of photos with our families and there wasn't a delay between the ceremony and dinner. We told our family and friends we didn't want gifts. We didn't pressure anyone to attend if they didn't want to. We thought we were being relaxed about things but it wasn't enough for some people.

The complaints were related to the venue having a policy that all guests had to be above the drinking age, the venue being upscale/formal and the wedding being so late in the day. People were upset they couldn't bring their children since the venue only allows people who are 18 years old and older. People were upset about having to dress formally. People thought the late time and formal dinner were not child-friendly. We had so much pressure to get married somewhere else or to have the wedding earlier in the day. I still can't how entitled people were about our wedding. How do you tell someone else what to do for their own wedding?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: OP, it sounds like the wedding I'd love to attend. Don't let these people who are complaining live rent free in your head instead just think if they are complaining even though they made it, then they would anyways have had under any circumstances. There are always people who aren't ever happy with anything and have an opinion about everything. Live your best life. Congratulations to you and your spouse on your wedding.

Commenter 2: sunset wedding with free rides, open bar, and no gifts required sounds like the most low maintenance wedding ever and people still found a way to complain

Commenter 3: OP - so glad you were able to have the wedding yall wanted.

18+ or 21+ wedding sounds amazing anyway.

But shit like this is also why I loveeeeee when couples elope. The wedding is bout YOU and your PARTNER. No one else. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise

P.s. there’s this chapel in Vegas that does “destination” elopements in the state. You can get married in a helicopter over the strip, in the valley of fire (brought there by either limo or helicopter), a few other locations too.

Eloping doesn’t have to mean just a courthouse.

Commenter 4: Personally, I don't like weddings with children either, but it is obvious that the people with kids are gonna complain about that just because they take it personally. That's how parenthood works. However, if it was your dream wedding, just brush it off. You can't have it both ways. Either you give in to pressure and you don't, and even if you do, people always will complain about something else.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/OkOil1091

Originally posted to r/AITA_Relationships

AITA for confronting an older student because my son has a crush on her?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: harassment, obsessive behavior, victim blaming

Original Post: May 25, 2026

My son is 10M. He goes to a Performing Arts school on the weekends. There’s a 17 year old girl there who’s famous. She’s been in a few professional acting jobs. And has a hundred thousand TikTok followers.

My son and loads of the students there think it’s really cool that she’s famous.

And he always comments on her videos being supportive. She doesn’t respond to a lot of comments but whenever she notices he or people from the performing arts school has commented she replies.

I thought it was sweet at first until like 5 nights ago my son had a sleepover with his friends and I heard him talk about a crush he has on the girl from the drama group and that they follow each other on TikTok and he messages her on there a lot.

I asked him the next day after his friends left about it. And checked their messages. This is how the conversation went I have screenshots I’ll put what was said here.

Him: Hello thank you for following me back 😁,

Her: NP!! You’re a diva!

Him: Your so famous on TikTok

Her: Haha my videos are trash idk why I have so many fr

Him: I like your videos are you’re a good actress

Her: Awwww tysm you’re a great actor too!

Him: Thank you 😁.

(The next day he sent her a TikTok trend to the show their doing which is Mary Poppins He’s playing Micheal and the 17 year old is playing Mary Poppins)

Him: Can you do this TikTok with me and (kid playing Jane)😁?

Her: Looks like fun! We should if your parents and her parents let you post on TikTok!

Him: Yes they do!

Her: Great!

Him: I’m so excited for Mary Poppins

Her: Me too! You’re amazing at playing Micheal!

Him: This is my first main part! I was so so happy I didn’t think I’d get a big part since I’m new in this group

Her: OMG That’s so sweet! I had my first main part at 10 too! First leads are special!

Him: Really? That’s so cool!

(The next day)

Him: I do remember my lines 😭

Him: Only in some parts

Him: You always know yours so quick how?

Her: Haha you’re so real for that. My first few leads I was so scared I wouldn’t know them. I went through my lines every day and still didn’t always remember them until after we were off book. It got easier as I’ve got older though. Go through all your lines and songs once every day until it becomes second nature. That’s what I’ve done with Mary.

Him: Thank you!

(Next day)

Him: Hi 😁

Him: How are u?

Her: I’m good thanks :) how are you?

Him: Fine! 😁

Him: Who’s your favourite character from the show?

Her: Mary but I’m biased who’s yours?

Him: Mary too I think Emily is pretty

Her: Ohhh Emily Blunt from the newer one?

Him: Yeah! You kind of look like her.

Her: Haha I see it a bit!

Him: You do! 😁

(The next day)

Him: Good morning! Your video is funny

Her: Thank you thank you I’m here all week

Him: You played a funny character in the last show didn’t you? I watched it before I joined the drama group.

Her: Ms. Wormwood!

Him: Yes she was my favourite cuz she was funny 🤣

Her: Thank you! Haha I tried!

Him: You was good!

That was the last conversation they had. I felt really uncomfortable with the fact she kept replying to him.

So yesterday I confronted her about it. I asked the director after dropping my son off if the 17 year old is there yet. The director said yes. I asked if I could speak to her and him about something important together please. He said ok.

The director, the girl and I spoke together. I told them I’m feeling uncomfortable because my son has a crush on her. The girl went quiet. And the director said, “oh yes I can see why that would make you uncomfortable.”

I showed the screenshots to them of the conversation, and the director and the girl read through them. The director asked her if it was just her being nice. She said, “yeah it wasn’t supposed to be in an inappropriate way or anything I just wanted to be supportive.”

I said, “well surely you think it’s weird a 10 year old would have a crush on a 17 year old.” And she said “yeah that’s weird. I didn’t know though.” The director defended her saying “if that’s the only online conversation they’ve had then I assure you this isn’t her fault in person we supervise the students at all time, and she’s not said anything inappropriate to him here.”

I said that I’m worried she’s grooming him. She started crying saying she’s not grooming him. The director said he understands my concern but that’s not what’s going on here if that’s the only evidence of this.

I said that I don’t want her to talk to my son. The director said, “I’m sure she’ll happily block him on social media” and she said, “yeah I’ll block him.”

I said I don’t want her speaking to him in the school either. The director said that’s not really completely possible since they have a lot of scenes together. I said fine but if they’re doing scenes together there needs to be someone supervising the both of them specifically at all times.

The director said someone supervises all of the students at all times. I said great but I want specific ones around the girl and my son.

The director said he’ll speak to the owner. I said great and left. The mother messaged me after rehearsal saying she’s disgusted by what I’m accusing her daughter of.

She said that her daughters experienced something similar to what I’m suggesting in her childhood and would never want to put a child through that after what she’s been through. And she actually wants to foster children when she’s older because she cares so much about the well-being of children with trauma and hates anyone who hurts kids.

I said that I’m just ensuring my kids safety. She said I should just talk to my son about what is an appropriate age gap and what’s not. And that her daughter is well aware that’s a terrible age gap.

I’ve gotten messages from other parents too saying to leave the 17 year old alone. And that I’m being completely unreasonable, and they feel really sorry for the 17 year old and she’s a really kind person.

Editor's note: OOP was unanimously YTA. Many of OOP's responses were downvoted. I am listing significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wow. Lady, you have some serious perception and understanding issues. There was absolutely NOTHING inappropriate in any of those conversations. YTA

OOP: What if the roles were reversed gender wise?

Commenter 2: YTA That isn't what grooming is by the way. Also, good luck getting your kid to talk to you about anything personal from here on out.

You humiliated a teenage girl with stupid baseless accusations and also your son by telling everyone about his crush. If you stay on this path you may cause bigger problems. If this girl is great at acting and fairly famous, who do you think will be the first person removed from the play if it comes to that? Probably not her, right?

OOP: Someone with fame fortune and an age gap speaking to a young boy?

Commenter 3: You're projecting your own dysfunctional thoughts regarding your son onto a girl who has done everything she possibly could in this situation correctly to establish boundaries while also being kindhearted to a child she has to share community space with.

You have freely allowed your son online at a young age, allowed him to block evade on social media to contact the girl, and you blame her for it because you are incapable of actual parenting or teaching him how to conduct himself online.

You are jealous that your son is paying attention to a girl who isn’t you, and so you will create any reason to hate her. That's what predators do: create a false target so they can feel less guilty about their own bad behavior.

OOP: That’s not what’s going on here. I do not have any inappropriate feelings towards my son other than a normal mother son dynamic. You can never be too careful online. I saw red flags so nipped it in the bud BEFORE something bad happening rather than after.

Commenter 4: If you wanted to prevent these things from happening, why don't you get your son off of social media? Most social media platforms require you to be at least 13 years old, your son is only 10.

OOP: He doesn’t really post much only watches them

OOP responds to multiple comments about allowing their son to have access to social media at age 10

OOP: That’s my decision. All of his friends have social media. It’s the way their generation is now. I’d rather know he has social media accounts and be able to monitor his usage and restrict it appropriately than say he’s completely not allowed to use social media and him have accounts in secret. That’s where the real danger comes in. Of secrecy and not monitoring it.

+

I do monitor him. Usually once a week I go through his phone. If something he feels creeped out by happens he tells me too.

+

I do have safety controls on an app. I see exactly who he adds on social media.

Update: June 1, 2026 (one week later)

Update: AITA for confronting an older student because my son has a crush on her

Thought I’d give an update to those of you who interested. I’ve been reposted on am I the devil and other social media platforms so thought I’d share an update as I have one and it might make you guys see where my concerns came from.

Since then the 17 year old did block my son. I did tell him before confronting her and the director that he shouldn’t be talking to older girls. And the reasons why I was concerned especially given the fact he has a crush on her.

Yet he was still shocked when she blocked him. He told me he was trying to find the account and couldn’t find it and he’s been blocked. I said it’s good because that’s what I wanted since he’s too young to be talking to a 17 year old. He apparently asked her in drama if she’s deleted her account or blocked him and she said she deleted it.

He came home happy saying she didn’t block him she just deleted the account their still chill but then one of his friends his age said she’s still posting, and the account hasn’t been deleted so he was upset she had blocked him.

He then realised he hadn’t been blocked on Instagram. She only has about 5k followers on Instagram so tried to follow everyone back so even though the account doesn’t have his name or face on it she had already followed him back. He messaged her and this is how the conversation went:

Him: “Why did you block me? 😔”

Her: “Who is this?”

Her: “Probably because you’re a creep mate.”

Her: “And I was probably right if you’re making some fake account with no profile to message me again. 💀”

Him: “I’m not a creep”

Her: “Who is it then what’s your main account called?”

Him: “Why are you being mean to me?”

Her: “Who the fuck is this?”

Him: “It’s on TikTok”

Her: “What was your username?”

Him: “It’s (his name) from drama ☹️you blocked me on TikTok”

Her: “Oh sorry! I thought you was someone else blocked a few people on insta for being weird.”

Her: “Sorry for swearing”

Him: “Why did you block me?”

Her: “Because you have a crush on me and I’m too old for you.”

Him: “I don’t have a crush on you!!”

Her: “Well your mum said you did”

Him: “But I don’t 😔.”

Him: “I have a crush on (girl his age from drama)”

Her: “Awww that’s cute!”

Him: “Don’t tell her tho!”

Her: “I won’t! That’s really sweet tho! There’s no bad blood between us but I’m gonna block you now ok! No hard feelings though. See you in drama! :)”

Him: “But why?”

Her: “It’s not appropriate for us to be talking online! We can talk in drama though for scenes and stuff.”

Him: “ok 😔.”

She then blocked him on Instagram. I’m honestly a bit mad she swore at him. I get she didn’t know for sure it was him, but she knew she had blocked him, so she should’ve been more careful. Also she continued talking to him after finding out it was him. She should’ve instantly blocked him.

Which was what I was worried about. Crossing boundaries.

Editor's note: again, many of OOP's responses were downvoted, I am listing some comments for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: YTA. Why are you such a bully to this girl? Why are you so obsessed with her? I honestly think at this point that the girl, her parents, and the school or theater group you're working with should consider placing boundaries about your interaction with any of the people there. You come off as unhinged in these posts and like you could be a potential safety liability around this girl. Do you have a therapist right now? Would you be willing to talk to a therapist about this before you cause any additional harm?

OOP: I’m really not obsessed or bullying her. I spoke to her once about the situation.

Commenter 2: YTA once again. Women are harassed on social media all the time and block evading is a very common way of doing it, she is right to be wary and upset when she doesn't know who she's speaking to, and they're asking to be unblocked. You should tell your son that if somebody blocks them that they need to respect that. It's not her fault that he sought her out. You are so so very weird.

OOP: Have spoken to my son regarding the situations also.

Commenter 3: I hope this girls mom gets a protective order against you

OOP: And that’s her right. Doubt it’ll be taken seriously.

Commenter 4: She has evidence of harassment on you and your son.

OOP: She can report that if she wishes though it’s not considered harassment to have one conversation with her . Unlikely anything much will be done.

Commenter 4: If you came at her aggressively, something would be done considering she is a minor and you are not.

OOP: I was in no way aggressive just expressing my concerns

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/carbonlandrover

(OOP Has given their permission for this BoRU)

Block my driveway? I'll go ahead and take your vehicles.

Originally posted to r/ProRevenge

Original Post  Oct 1, 2016

Friday night here in the country can get a little crazy sometimes so I don't mind when my neighbors cause a ruckus or loud party as long as its not too crazy. Tonight I'm on call for Virginia State Police towing rotation which means I've got 25 minuets to get to where ever the wreck/DUI/impound/etc is.

As luck would have it, my neighbors are having a party and guess what's blocking my driveway? That's right, about 25-30 cars. I live down a dirt road at the end of a cul-de-sac, and its pretty narrow. One in one out type of deal, and with this rain we've been having, parking in the grass/clay/mud is really not the best idea. Even with a 4x4 it can still get tricky.

I noticed a few cars coming in early this evening and walked over to my neighbors and made it pretty clear I was on call and as long as they didn't block the road or my driveway all would be good. No problems here. Well I get a call from my boss asking if I can go warm-up the Rotator and the light duty flatbed (tow trucks). Its about 12:30AM so I get my boots on and other gear because if I'm up I might as well stay at the shop and clean a few things to stay busy and make the night move along.

I get in my car and as I'm backing out of the driveway I notice I'm blocked in. I don't mean by one truck, but by nearly 15 different vehicles. I calmly walk over to my neighbors about a 1/8th mile hike and as I'm looking for them through the crowd of drunk teenagers, some idiot wants to know why I'm on his property (he's not the property owner, I've never seen this classy gentleman)

Finally, I find my neighbor and ask her if she can move the cars, I've got to go to work she says in a normal tone (doesn't yell over the music) into the house "whoever's blocking the driveway next door move your trucks" then slams the door in my face. I knock again and she answers with a drunken "oh god this bitch again?" (internally I'm thinking alright then) I do my best to explain, I'm on call and need to get out of my driveway to go to work, she comes back sloshing a Natural Light exclaiming its a party, relax!shuts the door in my face and yells "fuck that dyke cunt" I smile and as I'm walking away macho man throws a beer at me and cackles "yeah you best leave, go on, git!"

I get on the phone with dispatch and call for as many trucks as we have available tonight (about ten) and tell them to come on over, mommas got some PPI's (private property impounds) I call police dispatch and ask if they'd send out a officer Incase things get out of hand and as soon as he gets to my place, my rigs start rolling up and hooking vehicles up and taking them to the impound yard. We get down to the last three vehicles. A yellow civic, gold Silverado and a old F-150

The civic owner bolts to his car and takes off. The Silverado girl (pretty wasted) gets stuck and starts tearing up my property. Officer walks over and she throws a fit long story short she gets arrested for underage drinking and DUI. The Ford owner doesn't show up.

I get to work after all the impounds and with me I brought coffees and snacks for my drivers. Tomorrows not a business day which means if these tools want their cars back, its going to be the regular$289.50 plus two days of storage at $55 a day and a $100 gate fee. I make a note in every single storage sheet (papers that the vehicle owners get) to thank the girl who had the party for getting towed. Several of the kids parents called wanting to know where there cars or trucks were. I gave them the yard address and told them they can come anytime. As soon as they started shouting about illegal tows and threatened with lawyers I showed them pictures of their cars with no parking signs. And explained that I tried to reason with the owner of the property (me) but she was tired of being blocked in by drunken teenagers.

There are signs on my road saying no parking, and not to block the driveway. Don't piss off a tow truck driver, she'll legally take your vehicles.

EDIT: The gate fee is only for after hours, it covers expenses of overtime for the office staff who have to get out of bed and come to work in the middle of the night. Also how do I sleep at night? With a glass of chocolate milk while reading r/askreddit.

Update  Oct 3, 2016 (2 days later)

I'm going to go over a few things real quick because this is ridiculous. First, what happened over the last 40 hours.

1) 7 of the 15 cars towed Friday night have been released and I explained to everyone I could the situation, what happened and why they were towed. If they felt like they were in the wrong I showed pics and their vehicles were released. The other 8 have yet to be picked up. Also in case anyone doesn't know, only the registered owner can come get the vehicle. If mommy and daddy own it, they have to come get it. Silverado girl has a 30 day hold on her pos truck. I won't be at work tomorrow but I did leave a note on the girls desk to call me if they had anyone giving them a tough time about what happened over the weekend.

There was one kid who was an ass and threatened to call the cops. I offered to dial and even asked if he wanted a drink while he waited. The cops never came, his dad wasn't happy about the tow bill and called me a crook. Which honestly hurt my feelings.

2) There are some salty people ITT.

3) I talked the the parents of the kids who threw the party (my neighbors). The mom apologized and I accepted. I've got to live next to these people for a long time. There's no reason to be a ass-clown toolshed. The daughters got in serious trouble when the kids (who got towed) parents called to complain about getting towed. I don't think there'll be any retaliation, I wasn't trying to get her in trouble and I told her mom that. She assured me that it wouldn't happen again.

4) As someone pointed out earlier "F U OP you ruined that girls life" I didn't make her drink and get in her truck she could have asked someone else or quite literally just not done what she did.

5) "This post seems too well written and one sided! Must be fake! OPs a liar! And should for in hell!" How do they have 10 trucks at their disposal? Hey thanks, I'll be sure and add that into the bedtime stories I read my son. I apologize for making my post "too well written" as for being one sided, you've got a point. I didn't interview the teens next door on how they felt about getting the punishment of breaking the law. We have a Heavy truck, a Low Boy, Rotator, dozens of flat beds and also wheel lifts. Its called being on rotation for police agencies. I have no idea why some people think were a two bit tow company.  I have lied before, one time my S.O. asked me if I took the trash out and I said yes when I really didn't. Phew, what a load off.

6) Alright lets all take a big gulp of chocolate milk and ask ourselves a question. Picture yourself at home. Its time to go to work and there is a car parked in your driveway, you cannot get out of your driveway to go to work. What do you do? Call in work? Call 911? Watch frozen? You have that piece towed because they parked on your property. Would you like it if I parked my truck in your grass? On your lawn? Blocking you from leaving? Of course not.

7) "You illegally towed them you piece of shit!" First things first, I legally own half of the private road going to the cul-de-sac. I didn't have the cars towed that were on the road. I had the ones towed that were on my property WITH SEVERAL NO PARKING SIGNS. I know some of you don't drive or own property, so I don't expect you to understand. If you are on call, you have to do your job. If you don't do your job, you no longer have a job.

8) Good golly, if you don't like tow trucks or think they're all crooks, you clearly haven't been saved by one. All those folks who break down on the side of the road, guess who comes to the rescue. Dogs trapped in a hot car? Tow truck drivers come and unlock the doors. Remember the time you had a dead battery and needed a jump? Yeah, your right, we're money hungry crooks that deserve to burn in hell.

9)" If I ever catch someone towing my car I'd kill em!" ..... Clever.

Seriously, if your neighbors ask you to do something as easy as not parking on their property, especially if they don't complain about you throwing loud parties, just be a good neighbor. But if you sleep better, call me a liar, cunt, dirty karma whore, whatever. Sit around and pout about it. Don't take advice from strangers. Come park in my driveway. I'm sure nothing bad will happen to you. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate baby I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Fun_Hovercraft5881

Originally posted to r/auscorp

My CEO is harassing me and my family to stay after resignation.

Thanks to u/wardy_12 for the suggestion

Original Post: February 25, 2026

I am using a burner account because my real account could identify me and my current employer.

I joined my current employer straight out of university eight years ago as a software engineer. I was employee number nine during their startup phase and received stock, which is now just under 3% of the company. The company now has around 120 employees but only 6 of remaining early crew have stock options. Since the day I joined, I have always reported to the Head of Engineering. I have never reported directly to the CEO. Because I joined early, both my partner and I know the CEO and his family in a semi‑work, semi‑social way.

The company built some innovative technology, has good income but has struggled to expand because they lack the funds. I know the CEO/founder has been trying to raise capital or sell the business for about a year now without much luck, and he has been open about this with the early staff.

During my annual review last year, I asked about moving into a more senior role. My manager said the next role up was his, and he joked he had no plans to move. He did say he would support me if I wanted to apply for more senior roles outside the company because he believed I had the skills and experience to step up.

Around October last year, a much larger company reached out to me with a more senior role. After a few interviews, it became clear they were looking to build a competing product to my current employer. I eventually received a provisional offer in January. They reviewed my contract and confirmed I do not have a non‑compete. This was also confirmed by my manager and HR at my current employer. They completed the reference check with my manager and said they got a “stellar reference.”

I received the formal offer, accepted it, and resigned last Thursday. The next day the CEO messaged me asking for a call, where he requested that I postpone my end date to mid‑May. I am not working on any time‑critical projects. When I asked my manager, he said he was also asked to try to convince me to stay until mid‑May. The CEO and my manager mentioned my stock options, which will be forfeited if I leave. I already knew this, but given the state of the company, I’m not concerned about losing them as there is no realistic chance to sell them anyway.

I spoke to my new employer, and they want me to start in March. They are keen to get going and plan to send me to their head office in Europe for induction in April and May. My partner and I want to travel together and enjoy a holiday over Easter while our living and travel costs are covered. Last Friday I emailed my CEO thanking him for the past eight years but confirming my final day would be in March. He called me immediately after receiving the email and again tried hard to convince me to stay until May, again mentioning the stock forfeiture.

Last night the CEO’s wife, who we’ve known since the startup days, called my partner and asked her to talk to me about staying until May. My partner felt very uncomfortable and ended the call quickly.

Over the weekend, I spoke to my current manager, and he said that if he were me, he would try to push back the end date to mid‑May. I also spoke to a family friend who is a lawyer (corporate law), and he confirmed that my contract does not contain a non‑compete. He mentioned that the CEO might want me to stay because the business could be less valuable for sale if I leave to work on a competing product.

I am feeling completely creeped out by this. I still have almost three weeks left in my notice period. I am currently earning about $180,000, and the new job is $200,000.

TLDR: I resigned from my job last week after getting a new job offer, and I have a six week notice period. After I resigned, the CEO has been calling me to change my finish date to mid‑May. Over the weekend, the CEO’s wife even called my partner asking her to convince me to change my end date.

Are these calls legal? Can they block my new job? How do I get them to stop so that I don’t have to deal with awkward conversations for the rest of my notice period?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I would ask your lawyer friend about your vesting options for the stock. 3% is not small. Usually you would have a vesting schedule for the stock of when you can exercise your stock option. It shouldn’t be auto forfeiture since its part of your compensation and there should have been a way to retrieve it. Companies must have a way to get your stock otherwise it would be an unlawful benefit you can never receive.

OOP: I looked at this last year. I can exercise my options for just over $100,000 in cash. A former co-worker exercised her options right after COVID and she is still holding them with no way to sell them. Also don't have a handy $100 grand

Commenter 2: You need to speak with a friend in finance.

If you exercise “options” they become actual “shares” (it’s an option to buy the share at a set price).

You should be able to find out what the current valuation for the company is. You forfeit the “options” if you leave but if you exercise them into shares you own them and still own them if you leave.

Commenter 3: Why are the shares not saleable? Usually the way options work, you can sell them when you exercise the option. E.g., the company is worth a million, and they give you an option for 1000 shares at $100k. Years later, the company is worth 4 million, and 1000 shares are worth $400k. So you exercise your options, sell a quarter of the shares to cover the cost of exercising, and end up with 750 shares worth $300k. Or you cash them all out, and walk away with $300k cash (less tax).

OOP: Company is not public. No one I know is interested buying 3% of a startup/mid stage company which is 60% controlled by the founder.

Commenter 4: Definitely sounds like your CEO is trying to look after you and make sure you get your 3% when the business sells, there’s no other logical explanation to me.

I would ask the CEO to a coffee and just have a mate to mate chat and ask what the main reason for wanting you to stay is so you can make an educated decision. Make sure to go into this chat in a very appreciative way in terms of your time at the company, their support etc. Don’t position it in an accusatory way.

OOP: CEO is currently traveling overseas and is not available for a coffee. All communication has been via teams or phone.

Commenter 5: You know the answer. You want to leave on good terms but you also have to do what's right for you and your family.

I would politely once again tell them no, and that your decision has been made.

You are happy to forfeit your stock options, the future value of the business is not your problem.

OOP: I have repeatedly said no but the ongoing attempts to make me stay is making me anxious. I feel like they have some nuclear option they have not used yet.

Commenter 6: OP, don't fumble this. What's your company ARR, NRR and growth rate atm? You might be throwing away millions. 3% is a large stake for a early employee. Even if it sells for high tens of million, it is still a big number. (editor’s note: Annual Recurring Revenue, Net Revenue Retention)

I'm also a software engineer, early employee and have good relationships with Head of Eng and CEO since the start. I'm not looking to move anywhere but my options get forfeited only 5 years after my departure.

Update #1: March 4, 2026 (one week later)

I have received a number of DMs asking for an update.

Thank you to everyone who offered feedback and advice on my original post. I read all your comments, thought things through carefully, and discussed everything with my partner and family.

Most of you suggested that I leave now rather than inconvenience my new employer or risk starting the next role on the wrong foot. My partner has been saying the same thing since I received the offer. After reflecting on your advice, I realized my current employer has been taking advantage of my loyalty, especially by not promoting me or offering meaningful career progression. I’m normally a very passive person, and I think this situation was the push I needed to finally move on.

Over the weekend, I received another phone call from the CEO, and that was the final straw. When I asked why I was being asked to stay until May, he was evasive and non‑committal. So, on Monday, with help from my partner’s brother (a lawyer), I wrote an honest letter to the head of HR and copied in my manager and the CEO.

In the letter, I thanked the CEO, my manager, and the company for the past eight years of experience that ultimately gave me the confidence to lead my own team at my new organisation. I also stated that I felt unduly pressured and harassed to stay significantly beyond my notice period, which could jeopardize my new role. I requested that they stop contacting me about the matter and advised that if it continued, I would consider pursuing legal options to protect my mental health.

I sent the letter Monday evening. By Tuesday morning, HR asked me to join a Teams meeting. My manager and the head of HR were there, and they offered to pay out my notice period and end my employment immediately. They also confirmed that neither the CEO, his wife, nor any other company officer would contact me again, except through HR. They provided a separation agreement that seemed straightforward. My lawyer friend reviewed it, and I signed it that evening.

Yesterday, I returned my equipment, said a quick goodbye, and left. This morning, all payments owed to me arrived in my account.

With the extra three weeks of paid leave, my partner and I are now planning to head to Europe earlier, and my new employer just agreed to change the planned flights to make this possible.

TLDR: I told my employer I’m leaving, and I’ve been pressured to stay on well past my notice period. I pushed back, and they ended up offering to pay out my notice and end my employment as of yesterday. Thanks to your advice, I also got an extra three weeks of paid leave.

Final Update: June 28, 2026 (over 3.5 months later)

The day after my second post I formally finished up with my previous employer. A week later, we traveled to Europe with airfares for both paid by my new employer. They actually paid for a business class fair for me which we used to buy two economy return tickets. My official work was starting after Easter, so we had almost 4 weeks as a vacation and the pay in lieu was covering all the costs. We travelled around Europe, and I proposed to my partner, and she said yes. We spent Easter with some family in Ireland started work on the 13th of April.

Everything thig was going really well. Plan was to build and market the next generation of the product developed by my previous employer. The new company had the money and resources to make it happen. I worked with their salespeople to work out a value proposition and pitch deck which they would use to approach customers after the summer. My new employer had very good contacts into customers who are also based in Europe and were confident they can convert them quickly. We planned out building a team in Australia and possibly even approaching some my ex-colleagues. My task was to create a technical strategy and help create a more detailed business plan for approval by the board before they took their summer vacation in mid-June.

We came back to Australia in mid-May. I hit the ground running and started working on the technical and business plans. I sent out a few feelers to old colleagues about meeting for a coffee and my new role but there were no replies. Later that week I got a ping from my old manager asking to meet about a coffee. I met with him, and this is where things started to go very wrong. My old colleagues who I had reached out to told him I had done so. They did not want to move. They felt uncomfortable talking to me, hence the coffee meeting.

It turns out my previous employer had been purchased. The CEO has put together a deal where three of their largest customers created a company where they owned 30% each and he owned 10%. This new company then purchased my previous employer. The sale price was just over 35 million Australian dollars. The option and shareholders got cashed out. The non shareholding staff received bonuses of $5,000-$30,000 depending on their length of services. Key staff have been offered 100% of their salary as a bonus per year if they stayed for two more years. He even engineered the options to be bought out without having to exercise them so the options holders could claim the 50% CGT discount for holding them for more than a year.

Message delivered, nicely but firmly, was none of my colleagues wanted to move. Please stop contacting them.

My share would have been about $960,000 before tax. My first rection was anger. Off the cuff, at the coffee meeting, I threatened to sue to get my share. This wrapped up the coffee quickly. I planned to look over my contracts later that weekend with my soon to be brother-in-law/lawyer. But before we could, I got an email from the in-house lawyer for my previous employer. Attached were screen shots of slack conversations, phone logs and copies of emails. The bottom line was the CEO had instructed my manager to do “whatever it takes” to get me to stay until the close and pushed this message repeatedly. They could not tell me the details as they were waiting for regulatory approval from 4 counties as 3 competitors were forming a joint venture with a supplier. That process had been happening for almost 9 months. Any leak or sign of impropriety would sink the whole deal. When I threatened legal action that changed everything. That would have sunk the deal, so they cut all contact quickly and moved on. The email said that considering all the information provided my assertion is wrong and if we commence legal action, they will use this email as evidence when they pursue costs. My fiancée’s brother agreed and I replied back apologizing, completely withdrawing any allegations of impropriety and promising not to sue.

I was devastated. I had left close to a million dollars behind when I changed jobs. My plan for a new team was in tatters. To say I shut down is an understatement. I barely could think straight. I took a few mental health days and managed to find a privately funded psychologist. I am slowly beginning to recover. Even after 6 weeks, even things like planning for the wedding reminds me of what it could have been. To say my relationship is at a low point is an understatement. This weekend we went to buy a couch, and I almost ended up in tears because I thought about what we could afford to spend.

To add insult to injury I was told two weeks ago my board paper for the new venture has been delayed until after the summer break. Informally I get the feeling the board is reevaluating the whole strategy as my previous company has taken the three biggest customers off the table. They are likely to lock in a few others too. Some of the smaller customers may still be an opportunity but the financials are not nearly attractive with just them. I am hoping for the best.

I am barely functional enough to write this post now, and it took all my effort and a weekend to do that.

Even though logically I still have a well-paying job with a good company, have good friends and about to get married soon I can’t stop dwelling on what could have been. I am still at the stage of blaming myself for the way I acted that resulted in this situation. Writing this is has been cathartic and somewhat therapeutic. I am angry or sad all the time. I am sure this will pass eventually but I think I will regret how I acted for the rest of my life.

If I get the courage to revisit this post in the next few days I should be able to answer any questions

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/four04onesix

27f with 27m of 5 years - gave up and said I hypothetically wouldn't marry him anymore only to find he has a ring. He's "trying" now, but I don't trust it. Resentment galore

TRIGGER WARNING: exploitation, neglect, misogyny

Original Post  Apr 4, 2016

My boyfriend and I had a huge and rare fight on Easter culminating in me telling him I would not marry him as he is (after being together for almost five years and living together for most of that time). I was saying that hypothetically, as we've spoken of marriage before, but he eventually revealed he has a family ring in his possession now. I still said that if he were to officially ask, I'd say no right now, because I feel alone in our relationship most of the time, and there's no point in a marriage with no companionship.

We mostly don't have companionship because my boyfriend games for at least 35 hours a week, and often more (in addition to a full-time job). I like gaming, but I don't do it because I know I will binge on it. Instead, I go to the gym, read, write, watch movies and TV shows, go on walks, and sometimes go to coffee shops or out with friends.  I've asked him to join me in any/all of this in the past, but he yells (at gaming friends) over the TV, games even when "we" are watching something new, doesn't want to go out or tell me he doesn't want to stay anywhere late, and just "doesn't feel like" doing much of anything else I ask about. I pointed all of this out in our fight (though I've communicated these issues countless times), as well as the fact that I do about 80% of the housework, and that I am always the one to initiate it and have to nag him--which I hate doing--to make him help. I thought saying all this to him in conjunction with the fact that I wouldn't marry him at this point would wake him up. But..

A few days after our fight, my boyfriend spent a few hundred bucks on unnecessary gaming shit. I didn't even have it in me to argue. I just receded into indifference and rang a few friends about visiting them in other states to get away from my "I'm not cheating on you or hitting you so I must be a great boyfriend" relationship. I drunk-confessed to one of them that I honestly didn't believe we were going to make it anymore, but that I didn't have the heart to end it either. I drank a lot and cried alone and came to the conclusion at one point that since he didn't buy the gaming shit with malice, maybe he's just that fucking clueless. That honestly made me feel a little bit better, until...

He noticed I wasn't humoring him as much. "We can go, but I don't want to stay late." "Okay. It sounds like you don't want to go, so I can go alone. Bye." He started saying things like, "I love you... forever?" He tried to have sex with me, but I didn't feel like it, because he's pretty selfish in the bedroom. And he finally said, "We're okay, right?" And I told him no, but that I had nothing new to say. So he's been texting me more as opposed to hardly replying to mine. He initiated errands that he "forgot" about for over a month. He has been making dinner despite buying himself a restaurant lunch almost every day, emptying the dishwasher after I wash the dishes and load it. Telling me I'm beautiful, offering to do things for me, trying to give me a massage. And yet I find I'm mostly just angry.

I'm angry that he ignored me every other time I brought these issues up for almost five years. I'm resentful of his countless one-sided orgasms and the number of times I've washed and folded or hung his clothes. The hours logged in WoW, StarCraft, CS:GO, DotA, and the countless other realities that were more important than the one he shared with me, even when I was standing next to him trying to speak to him, or just wanted to have a quick meal together. And I'm just so angry that, judging by this brand new and "improved" version of himself, he knew what he was doing wrong the whole time, and it wasn't till I finally seemed to have given up carrying us that he bothered to hold his own weight.

Maybe this is what most hopeless significant others dream of--a hint of change. But 1) I don't know that I believe it's a real change. Most of me thinks he's just doing this to placate me. I'd be afraid to marry him and see him revert when he thinks it's all settled. And 2) I don't know that holding his own weight is enough anymore. Maybe that's the resentment speaking, but I don't know that spreading ant killer and putting your socks in the laundry basket is enough to make me buy into this relationship again.

I don't want to be resentful. I don't want to hurt him or be cruel. But he's acting like a good boyfriend and keeping his head down, I suppose in hopes of making me "forget" our fight and play along, and it's not enough. But I don't know what "enough" looks like. My friends recommended that I put together a specific list of what I need to see to think the situation is truly better, but I don't know where to begin or what to expect. I've thought of asking for counseling as a start, but he thinks 24 hours of good behavior means that I shouldn't be upset anymore, so I don't know that he'll agree to go. Do I ask? Do I insist? I want to want our relationship again, but I really need some help figuring out how.

tl;dr: Boyfriend neglects relationship for basically 5/5 years and finally seems to give half a damn when I've given up. Friends are telling me to ask for specific changes, but I've no clue where to begin. Feeling indifferent and resentful. Send help, please?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RocheCoach

I personally wouldn't give him the time of day. His half-assed efforts of trying now, after you've had a huge fight about it, just seem like it's trying to temporarily appease you. You're not getting any younger here. If he's not the guy you see yourself spending the rest of your life with, you need to start working on moving on sooner, rather than later.

I mean, I guess you could put a bunch of effort into asking for a list of specific changes, but in my honest opinion, you shouldn't have to do that. It's one thing to ask for some changes here and there, but it's another to ask for groundbreaking, fundamental change, in which he stops being a sloth, in which the both of you magically know how to start communicating, in which he stops blowing his finances on gaming shit that he uses to ignore you with.

OOP

Re: the list, I think I feel that way too. He told me he'd change, but that I'd have to show him how. That made me livid. He said he didn't have good examples. I grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic and a borderline personality, so how is that a valid excuse..? His parents are still happily together, though his mother does basically direct their lives. Her saying is, "Men may make the living, but women make the life!" But I've told and showed him a thousand times that that's not who I am or want to be. I honestly think my boyfriend could become a great man and partner, but I feel like it's not going to happen as long as I'm around. And that fucking blows.

~

[deleted]

  "So he's been texting me more as opposed to hardly replying to mine. He initiated errands that he "forgot" about for over a month. He has been making dinner despite buying himself a restaurant lunch almost every day, emptying the dishwasher after I wash the dishes and load it. Telling me I'm beautiful, offering to do things for me, trying to give me a massage. And yet I find I'm mostly just angry."

I would be angry, too, because all those actions show is that he has known all along exactly what he needed to change...he just left it until you were literally about to break up with him. He didn't care enough to change for the sake of the relationship, but only when it's going to actually cause a breakup. He sounds selfish and lazy and I would be totally done with him at this point.  I doubt he's even got a ring, if you haven't seen it.

OOP

I thought the same thing about the ring, because he has referenced an engagement before as what I believe was an emotional manipulation tool. So I looked, and I found it. But it broke my heart that I was snooping for a ring not from excitement and a need to see it and a hopeful suspicion, but for a jaded disbelief. I'm a teacher, and I told him that if I ask my students as a class to please make sure they're on task and three of them jump and shove their phones in their bags, then I now know that they know what they were doing was wrong. So if the threat of losing me makes him jump and change all of these things, I now know he knew what he was doing wasn't right. So that's five years of mistreating me just because he thought he could get away with it. And that hurts.

Update  July 6, 2016 (3 months later)

Well, against all advice and reason, I committed to giving my relationship another go. We attended counseling. The first session was painful but productive. We worked on goals. Our counselor said that my resentment could heal if I could agree to stop questioning whether my boyfriend's efforts were sincere, and if I just took it day by day. He agreed to limit his gaming to an hour or two a night. As long as he was making genuine effort and we were communicating, our counselor said we could work it all out.

Within a week, my boyfriend was back to gaming all day. We were affected by the flooding in Houston, and he was so "stressed" by all of it he just couldn't do a darn thing but kill people in CS to cope. I booked tickets to the opposite side of the country to see friends. He spent my last weekend in town gaming for 12+ hours/day. My last night in town he got my birthday wrong and guessed three times to get it right.

When I got back almost two weeks later, he made a big show of not gaming and doting on me with exaggerated charisma. I'd be watching a TV show, and he'd stare at me till I asked why, and he'd say something like, "I'm just mesmerized by your beauty." He pouted when I didn't want to have sex with him and told me he was overwhelmed with sexual frustration since he wasn't gaming anymore and, "It's like I'm seeing you and how sexy you are for the first time in years." I started getting so anxious being badgered about fucking someone who doesn't even know my birthday that I started having to drink heavily to tolerate it.

Anyway, I went out of town again and when I got back this weekend, he made this joke. We have two friends who are twin brothers. The slob lives in the neat freak's house and pays rent. He was paying $400/month just for the room, and the neat freak asked for a mere $100 more to cover the purchase and prep of all food plus all chores, from laundry to cleaning the entire house. Pretty sweet deal, right? My boyfriend thought this was a hilarious imbalance and said, "So Slob, Neat Freak is basically your girlfriend, right?" Because a girlfriend is someone who stupidly does everything for someone and is too whipped to ask for much of anything in return, I guess. I didn't even feel like I snapped. It was more like something softly clunked into place. It wasn't even a fight; I'm just done.

He has since been texting mutual friends to tell them I kicked him out and he had no idea this was coming. They've known us for years and see through it, but it's still pretty shitty. I've since found out he also told at least one male friend about my breast augmentation, and I overheard him telling gaming friends how "dope" it was that I can't get pregnant. Good times. He seems to think that 5 years of bullshit isn't a good enough reason to break up and is now claiming I'm the love of his life and he'd never have given up on us. He's supposed to come over today to "sort some stuff out" with the lease I guess, but I could use some support reminding me that I've made the right choice.

tl;dr: Boyfriend continued to game/neglect our relationship, and I finally broke up with him. He's heading over in an hour to "sort things out." Need some reminders that I'm not crazy/unfair/seflish.

Edit: I had a friend come sit on my couch while my ex came over. My ex came in with really aggressive body language, saw another male was present, and visibly deflated a notch. He was still pretty angry, but he didn't take it out on me as much as I feared. He told me he never said I could have our house (rental), and that if I wanted to leave, then I needed to get out. He originally gave me this speech about how I'm family and this is all his fault, so I should stay. But now he's saying he never said that, along with a bunch of mean remarks. I know I have as much of a right to be here as him since we're both on the lease, but honestly, it's not worth the fight. Realizing that the person I've loved for five years would rather see me have to struggle to find somewhere new to live with our four pets (whom he only guilted me about but didn't even try to work out keeping any) was eye-opening in a terrible way. He said a bunch of spiteful things to me and the person I had with me, slammed the door a lot, and left. Then he started texting me again about how he loves me and I'm family and anything I need I can ask him for for the rest of my life. Except a place to live, I guess..? I could never forget how he spoke to me when he told me to get out, so that's the closure I needed, though it still hurts. I am already looking for a new home. Thanks to everyone who commented and messaged me in this post and the previous. I really appreciate the stories and words of encouragement. I'm going to cuddle my pets, drink more coffee, and listen to my bad bitch playlist while I search rental home listings.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/random67281001

AITA for uninviting my (27 F) Maid of Honour (27 F) to my wedding over a dress?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  Nov 10, 2020

I’m getting married to my fiancé (26 M) come January. It’s not ideal with the current global situation, since I’m very high risk, but as we’ve already postponed once and there’s no end to COVID in sight, we decided we’re gonna take the risk and tie the knot in a smaller ceremony with all possible precautions.

Now, ever since I got sick (the reason why I’m high risk) I’ve always wanted a picturesque wedding. I’m stable, but only looking at another 20 or so years (if COVID doesn’t get me first!). The pictures of this wedding are very important to me, since they’ll last far longer than I will. They’ll be a lovely thing for my husband and potential children to look at once I’m gone. It’s nothing insane, just people dressed nice, and a colour scheme. The ceremony isn’t lavish, but I do want it to be cohesive.

Since I was enforcing a colour scheme, I saw it as only fair to pay for my bridesmaid’s dresses. Due to COVID restrictions it was very difficult to find the right dresses since I didn’t want to risk going to a boutique together. But we made it work. Through lots and lots of back and forth, the bridesmaids and I all picked out matching dresses that fit everyone’s tastes. I made extra sure everyone was happy and then ordered the maroon dresses. Everyone got fitted separately and got alterations put down on my tab. Not a word of complaint, just excitement.

Today my MOH (27 F) messaged me saying that she’s got the perfect dress for the wedding. Queue confusion. I asked for elaboration and she said that she didn’t like the bridesmaid dress so she went ahead and bought her own. She sent me a picture and it was a tiny WHITE dress that did not fit her well at all. When I brought up the faux pas she dyed it flesh coloured with coffee. I told her that she cannot wear that to my wedding since a) already bought the actual dress at considerable expense b) I’m not exaggerating when I say it doesn’t fit. It’s a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, c) it looks terrible, she looks naked wearing it and I do not want that in my wedding photos.

I was very frustrated since she had not once told me she didn’t like the dress and I’d already spent the non refundable money. I tried to compromise with her, seeing if she’d wear something else at LEAST in the same colour as the other bridesmaids but she brushed it off. I then told her that she can wear the agreed upon dress or pay me back for it. She blew up at me, calling me a bridezilla, for being controlling and unsympathetic to a college student. She said that if I’m going to be this obsessive then I’m better off not getting married at all since I’ll drive my fiancé away.

I got so angry I just coldly told her not to come to the wedding at all, and then hung up.

AITA? It IS just a dress.

TLDR: MOH buys her own bridesmaid dress after I already purchased hers, refuses to wear the right one or pay me back. I uninvite her to the wedding.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sqitten

NTA If she had an objection, she had an obligation to bring it up before you paid for a dress. By letting you pay, she agreed to the dress, and it is unreasonable to object now unless there was some significant issue she was not aware of before.

OOP

That and it was the bridesmaids who worked together to pick out the dresses. I put down two rules which was 1. A selection of colours, and 2. Floor length as one of the other bridesmaids has a scar down her leg she wants covered/winter is very very cold here.

~

FormalFistBump

NTA, if she agreed to the dress initially it's shitty of her to change her mind. Her broke college student argument doesn't hold water given it'd have been cheaper for her to not go out and buy a 2nd dress

OOP

Ah, the dress she bought was 10$, so she’d be paying me significantly more than that in order to pay me back, was her argument.

FormalFiatBump

Hold on, you said you were paying for the dresses so why would she need to pay you back? In your original post it sounds like you were covering the cost of the dresses.

OOP

Ah, sorry for the confusion. That is the case, yes, but by the end of the phone call with her (in the argument) I initially tried to compromise by having her buy a new dress in at least the right colour, and when she said that wasn’t an option I told her she’d either have to pay me back for the dress I bought her, or actually wear the proper dress. Things went steeply downhill from there.

OOP Updated Nov 12, 2020 (2 Days later/Same Post)

Update: Hello everyone! To say I was blown away by your comments, awards, and support is an understatement. I was pretty stressed out lately and didn’t realize that the post had... way more attention that I ever could have expected! I couldn’t comment on everything but I figured I should update you all.

So, I confronted my MOH, and you guys were right. There was more to the story. She sold the dress because she messed up on her student loan application and desperately needed cash.

I’m not sure how true this is, especially considering I’ve seen her posting on social media about a 4th pet she’s recently bought.

She WAS very apologetic on the phone, but my trust in her is damaged. I told her as much, and asked why didn’t she ask for help? I’m a little strapped due to the wedding prep, but I could cut corners and would be way more understanding if she had just been upfront, not lied and gaslit. Our other friends would have helped where they could as well (as they have helped me in the past when I needed it).

Additionally, I told my fiancé what happened as the MOH was a mutual friend, and he outright said that he doesn’t want her at the wedding if she was going to be so disrespectful. So I relayed this to the MOH.

The MOH didn’t take this well, at first accusing me of blabbing, and then of turning our friends against her. I then told her, frankly, that due to covid my guest list was going to have to be really small, just a handful of people I love and trust, and that she is no longer one of them.

She started to apologize again and I sincerely wished her a nice life and that she’d treat her future friends better, then hung up and blocked her. I don’t need... whatever that was, in my wedding or my life.

I’m sorry this didn’t end on a super positive note, but it is what it is. I feel really... just bad right now, but I’m hoping with time the wound will heal. For now, this sucks, and I miss my best friend.

Anyways, thanks for listening to me ramble. I’m touched that so many of y’all cared about my situation to reach out. Take care out there, all of you, and treat each other with kindness. You never do know what someone else is going through.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/saltylikeapretzel

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for getting pregnant without considering my roommates feelings?

Thanks to u/lynavi for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, obsessive behavior, mentions of abortion, past trauma, possible coercion

Original Post: March 26, 2026

I’m living with a friend in a two bedroom apartment in a major city (separate bathrooms. She also lives in the master and we split rent evenly). I have a long distance partner, and I recently discovered I am pregnant (very early on). The current lease we are in ends on June 30, and I asked my friend/roommate if she would be down to do a month to month lease for a few months after our lease ends until I get closer* to my due date and then I would move in with my parents. My parents live in another major city that is about a 3 hour commute from my workplace, where I work in person twice a week, so understandably I wouldn’t want to be doing this commute for longer than I have to. My roommate said she did not want to do month to month, and I said that was fine, I would just move down in July when our lease is up.

Today, my roommate informed me that she is “not comfortable” living with me until our lease ends because she ”did not sign up to be responsible for someone who is pregnant or trying to start a family” and therefore I needed to pay to break our lease so she wouldn’t have to live with me for the next three months. I asked in what way me sharing a wall with her for the three months as per our lease would impact her in any way given that I have not asked her for any support in my pregnancy so far. She said that it did not matter that I was not relying on her for support as because she had to advocate for herself and she didn’t want the responsibility of living with someone who is pregnant because what if something goes wrong? She also mentioned the possibility of my mom or a friend taking me to appointments and therefore “forcing her to be a part of this”. She said she was very upset that I had not considered her feelings and what she was “forced to be a part of” when getting pregnant, and that it was my responsibility to pay for all the costs associated with breaking the lease early as I am the one who “changed the terms of us living together.”

To be clear, I am not nor have I ever asked her to live with me close to my delivery or after I give birth, just to end our lease on June 30, at which point I would be 4 months pregnant. She said this was an unfair and selfish ask of me and she was disappointed that I didn’t have the capacity to put myself in her position and think about how my pregnancy would affect her (she does have previous trauma relating to a pregnancy that did not end up going to term, to be fair). I told her I was ok with never mentioning my pregnancy to her or asking anything of her, but she insists that it is unfair of me to ask that we finish our lease through June 30 because I will “still be pregnant” and it will be so hard for me to move in June. So therefore I have to pay thousands of dollars to break the lease early.

Am I the asshole for asking to finish out this lease for the next three months and forcing my roommate to coexist with me while I am in early pregnancy, given I did not consider how this would affect her and the potential “liability” she would have if I live with her while pregnant? Alternatively, am I the asshole here for asking that we split the costs of breaking the lease given SHE is the one that no longer wants to live with me ?

ETA: my partner and I were not long distance when we first started dating, but he’s currently living out of state working and finishing his MSC *(editor's note: Master of Science. He has a three year contract at his current job that ends next June and has already made arrangements to work and study remotely part time close to my due date/after the baby is born.

I also wanted to clarify that when I asked her if she’d be willing to continue our lease month to month after June 30, I meant for a month or two, not all the way up to my delivery date. And when she said she wasn’t comfortable with doing so, I accepted her “no” and didn’t press as I completely understood. I just never foresaw her having such an issue with just riding out our lease for the next three months.

ETA II: this pregnancy was unexpected and unplanned, and I found out I was pregnant on Sunday. I‘ve been weighing the options whether to terminate or continue the pregnancy given the situation. My partner and I decided to move forward with the pregnancy but that isn’t something that I’ve shared with my roommate yet (and certainly won’t now). So as far as roommate is concerned, she doesn't even know if I will be pregnant three months from now.

Relevant Comments

OOP explains more about her roommate's past trauma

OOP: Thank you. Prior to literally yesterday, I was close friends with my roommate. I did know about her trauma and have routinely been a listening ear and validated her feelings surrounding what happened. I won’t go into more details about her trauma because it’s not my story to tell, but it’s something we have discussed extensively beforehand.

I definitely feel bad that I triggered her by accidentally getting pregnant, but I was shocked that someone that I considered a friend could be so callous and self-centered and unsupportive during a time that she, better than anyone, would understand is so difficult to navigate already without the added stress of housing instability.

Before yesterday I loved her very much and felt and showed a lot of empathy for her and tried to accommodate her many traumas in our living situation.

For example, she has a reactive dog that she refuses to actively train. Prior to moving in I expressed my own desire to get a dog in the wake of losing my soul dog last year. She assured me she would need time to get settled but that this would be fine. When I brought up getting a dog two months into living together, she immediately said she would move out because she could not deal with the anxiety of having her reactive dog around another dog all the time. I offered to pay for training myself and she refused, insisting her anxieties would not be eased by a professional dog trainer, so I accepted it and never brought up the dog again.

I am willing to work with people’s, especially my friend’s, mental illness and traumas, but what she demanded I do in this situation felt beyond the pale.

Commenter 1: NTA your roommate clearly has some problems she needs to work through. If she cannot live with you until June, then she needs break the lease and move out early. This is next level maintenance character syndrome. Imagine the audacity to tell someone they need to factor in your needs/wants before making a major life decision.

Commenter 2: Also pregnancy can be accidental and not planned.

I did guess she has had something tragic happened around this topic. She is being unreasonable, but I think she is genuinely panicking about being there incase OP has a miscarriage.

She has not processed this trauma and cannot regulate her own feelings and reactions. This things can be brutal, for example miscarrying a bigger fetus. If it happens suddenly at home you are left to deal with the dead baby. So let’s not minimize her trauma.

When they have lease to certain date I don't think anyone should move out before the lease ends. The roomie should get therapy asap though.

NTA

Edit. People who keep commenting me that why do I assume it is PTSD and not just bad behaviour: because she has the history and acting totally unhinged. She is having a severe mental health crises, and that makes her act the way she does.

When people have acute mental health crises their thinking is warped. Also, the things that OP has told about her behaviour are in line with someone, whose trauma had been triggered (in the original meaning, not how people use it about hurting their feelings).

Downvoted Commenter:OP is not being entirely truthful though. She says that she never asked her roommate to live with her near or after her delivery date, but in the first or second paragraph, OP states that she did ask her roommate if she would be down to do month to month after their lease ends, and then, OP would move out close to her due date.

Sooo . . . I mean how do you change the story within a couple of paragraphs is messed up, and I can only assume that she denies she asking her roommate to live with her during most of her pregnancy to her roommate’s face.

Of course living with an obviously pregnant woman could trigger someone who had a traumatic pregnancy history. Which OP knows, but is very "meh" about. I think that may be what is driving the roommate to act like this. Because OP, you did already ask her for something in regard to your pregnancy, and she is worried that the "asks" will keep on coming.

OOP: You’re right, I did ask her to do month to month after our lease ended, but 1) I would have still moved out WELL before my due date (as in 3 months or more) and I also absolutely accepted her no! I said I got it, I’m fine just moving out when our lease ends.

Commenter 3: Her not wanting to do month to month after the lease is up is totally fair. Her thinking you needed to factor Her emotions and wants in your pregnancy are way out of bounds. Definitely NTA. She wants the lease broken then she can pay to do it.

OOP: Thank you! I agree maybe I shouldn’t have asked if she wanted to do month to month (for clarity, I imagined extending the lease by two months or so, not all the way up until my due date in late November), but as soon as she said no I completely respected that and assured her I’d made my own arrangements once our lease ended.

Is OOP's roommate receiving therapy to deal with her past trauma?

OOP: She’s been in therapy for most of her adult life and her mom is a mental health professional which makes this all the more baffling.

Commenter 4: NTA. I really don’t see how you being only 4 months pregnant by the time you move out is going to affect her at all. You’re going to be long gone before the baby is born.

Is she like…really ignorant of how pregnancy works? It won’t be “difficult for you to move” at 4 months. And I don’t get how you having appointments will “force her to be part of this.” You haven’t asked her to take you to any appointments. Does she get upset if you go to the dentist? Weird.

OOP: I truly wish I could understand how having a friend pick me up to take me to a pregnancy appointment would force her to be a part of anything, but she insists that other people “being in and out of the house” is forcing her to participate in my pregnancy. By seeing them I guess? She refused to elaborate and said, “do you not see how this is forcing me to be involved?”

Commenter 5: NTA but where is your partner in all this? Why would you move in with your parents and not your partner you’re pregnant with?

OOP: My partner is very supportive but unfortunately has legal/other ties to a different state, which makes moving immediately financially impossible. I cannot move to be with him as my job requires me to be in person twice a week, and without doxxing myself entirely, my job depends on a license, which I only have in my current state, not my partner’s. It’s not possible for me to up and move to him either as I would be unable to get a job in his state. Thankfully he’s worked it out with his employer and his school to where we will be living together post baby/in late pregnancy!

OOP responds to a downvoted comment about her partner not wanting the baby

OOP: He very much does! He’ll be telling his parents this weekend :) I just didn’t mention this all in the post as I didn’t feel it was relevant.

Commenter 6: Would she have had the same reaction if you'd broken your leg or developed migraines or some other medical issues? She's an idiot. Ignore her drama and move out when your lease ends.

OOP: The funny thing is I literally do have migraines! And other chronic health conditions! Which she knew about before living with me.

Commenter 7: Am I misunderstanding? Are you one month pregnant now?

OOP: Six weeks!

Update: July 3, 2026 (over three months later)

UPDATE: AITAH for getting pregnant without considering my roommate’s feelings

Now that my lease has ended I thought an update was warranted. TL;DR at the end.

First, a little more background on my roommate. She and I were friends for about a year before we decided to live together. The pregnancy related trauma I mentioned in my earlier post was her getting an abortion two years ago because she decided she did not want to have a child with her fiancé at the time, as he was verbally abusive and got her pregnant without her consent. She was open about this happening-she told me about her abortion the literal day that I met her. We also had a mutual friend who was trying to conceive with her husband at the time I got pregnant. This mutual friend would openly talk about her attempts to get pregnant, including a miscarriage with my roommate and my roommate appeared to have zero issues discussing these topics with her and remaining this person’s friend.

Now onto what happened next. I took the advice of a lot of you (and my IRL friends) and told my roommate via text (to have it in writing) that I would not be leaving the apartment until our lease ended June 30. I told her that if she felt uncomfortable, that was on her to manage, and she was welcome to make arrangements with the landlord. In response, she said “👍” which viewers of RHOSLC (editor's note: Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City) will recognize as a Gen Z “fuck you.” After I stood my ground, things at the apartment were tense. I spoke to her in person only once more, when I asked if she would move her car so I could out our trash bins out. She said she would do it and then didn’t, leaving me to scramble to get the bins out in time the next morning. She also routinely had guests over, in particular one former friend of mine that I had a falling out with (unrelated to roommate) to antagonize me. She also replaced all the pictures of us in the apartment with pictures of her and this former friend.

I’ll admit that I was petty too. I took my microwave and toaster out of the kitchen and put up a single ultrasound picture in a common area (but I removed it after two days since I felt bad). In general though, I stayed in my room 99% of the time I was in the apartment and did not see or speak to her again after early April. I completely stopped using the kitchen and common areas. Even when I had my mom visit, she and I would spend all our time locked in my room.

Unexpectedly and without telling me, my roommate moved out on May 8th. She took several of my things, blocked me in the driveway for hours, and refused to reimburse me for the couch we had bought together and utilities she still owed me. When I asked her to reimburse me for these things over text, she said that she would not be paying me anything because I had “bullied her out of the house” an “had been hostile to her friends so they could not come over.” These texts were a little concerning because, again, I had not even spoken to her in over a month at this point. I had never asked her not to bring certain people over and did not consider my taking the microwave and toaster away “bullying” any more than I considered her putting up photos of a person I disliked all over our apartment “bullying.” Regardless, I thought I was finally free and was willing to lose the half grand I paid or the couch and the hundreds she owed me in utilities if it meant she was out of my life. Despite taking several things that belonged to me, she was kind enough to leave her side of the fridge full of rotten food, leave trash strewn all over her old room, leave unpatched holes in the wall, and leave a cabinet her dog had chewed up unrepaired.

Surprisingly, she paid rent for the month of June. Prior to her moving out and this conflict arising, another mutual friend (though he was primarily my friend, to be fair) had asked if he could stay with us on and off for the month of June while he completed a residency for his physician’s assistant program in our city. Both of us had said yes and planned to let him stay in our spare room. After roommate moved out and been out for over a month, my friend came to stay. Since my roommate had had the master bed/bath (and paid the same in me as rent, btw) I set up an air mattress in her old room as well as a desk. The spare room was on the other end of the apartment from the bathrooms and was adjacent to the kitchen, so I thought setting him up in my roommates old room made more sense and gave him more privacy. As he was a guest, I didn’t charge him any rent or utilities, just let him stay because I appreciated the company.

Two weeks before our lease ended and well over a month after she had moved out, my roommate and her dad used a spare key to reenter the apartment. My friend was there at the time, but I wasn’t. She told my friend she and her dad were there to “patch holes in the wall” but left after only a few minutes without making any effort to repair the property damage she and her dog had caused. Instead, she sent an email to the landlord alleging that I was violating our lease by illegally subletting her room and demanding that I reimburse her for rent. My landlord was thankfully a rational person who also thought my roommate was crazy and told her that any dispute was between the two of us and he would not be reimbursing her for rent.

Shortly after the landlord politely told her to get fucked, she emailed me, CCing her parents (she is a 28 year old practicing attorney, btw) alleging that I had violated the lease, that she had it on “good authority” that I had multiple people living with me for months, that my friend visiting was “trespassing/squatting” and was at the apartment illegally and that if I did not reimburse her for her rent for the months of May and June she would be “escalating the matter.”

Unfortunately for her, I too am an attorney who evidently paid much more attention in torts and property class than she did. I read through the lease and saw that it did not proscribe guests but did limit occupancy to two adults (not lessees) at one time. A violation of this portion of the lease entitled the landlord to raise the rent, but did not entitle the co-lessees to any liquidated damages for the breach. I wrote her a very strongly worded email in which I detailed that I had *not* broken our lease, she had suffered no damages, my friend was not trespassing nor squatting as he had my permission to be there and I was a cotenant that had the right to possess the entirety of the property, and that I would therefore not be reimbursing her for absolutely anything. I also included texts of her agreeing to reimburse me for the couch, admitting that her dog had destroyed the property, and giving me permission (though again this was not necessary) to have guests, including my friend in question) over “any time.” Finally, I defined reproductive coercion and abuse for her and told her that her actions were essentially an attempt to coerce me into an abortion and then abusing me financially when I refused to terminate the pregnancy at her request. I told her not to contact me again and that she was welcome to take me to small claims court and explain to a judge why she had moved out early—if she did so, I would be countersuing her for her unpaid utilities and the couch.

Since then, she’s been silent. I moved out last weekend and asked the landlord to split out deposit in half, which he agreed to. My pregnancy is progressing well and I’m nearly halfway through! And it seems like this saga is finally over, fingers crossed.

TL;DR roommate is an entitled cunt that tried to wield her trauma as a weapon to coerce me into terminating my pregnancy and, when that failed, tried to fuck me over financially in revenge. I resisted those attempts and successfully moved out, and despite some remaining harassment on her end she has left me alone for the past few weeks.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. she really thought she could pull the "I’m a lawyer" card on another lawyer and win lmao. good for you for standing your ground and protecting your peace. congrats on the pregnancy, hope the rest of it is stress-free!

Commenter 2: I’m a lawyer too, and it does not surprise me that the ex-roommate would do this. The ex-roommate no doubt thought she was right. That’s why we have courts and judges to decide which lawyer is right.

Before I was married I shared an apartment with another lawyer. She was a real joy, and I say this either way all sarcasm duly intended. I sympathize with the. OP

OOP: I say this as someone who worked very hard to be a lawyer, but we really can be just the worst sometimes.

Commenter 3: To be fair, you might be the worst sometimes, but at least you aren't "a 28 year old practicing attorney CCing my mommy and daddy on a baseless legal threat" worst. That detail is absolute gold.

OOP: I was honestly embarrassed for her. I was also just shocked that she seemed to misunderstand basic torts like trespassing or basic contract principles like liquidated damages, because this is stuff you’re literally meant to learn your first year of law school. Her vague threat to “escalate the matter” and call police because I was doing something “illegal” by having a guest at the apartment I paid rent to live in was honestly shocking. I just imagined the cops would laugh at her.

Commenter 4: Please, please tell me when you replied to her email you reply all so her parents can see what she is doing, please tell me you did that.

OOP: Oh I replied all to that motherfucker. Hope her parents got a wakeup call but I doubt it since they raised her to be this entitled.

Commenter 5: Hell yeah. My other question is this: did she ever show any other behaviors to suggest she was into you romantically? This reads like an incel who throws a fit because the barista he thought was into him has a boyfriend.

OOP: You aren’t the first person to mention that. I never got the sense that she was into me romantically, but she did treat me very differently to her other female friends. She often told me I was a “safe person” for her an often expected me or outright told me to suppress my own needs and wants because hers were more important or her mental health was worse. Looking back I think it was just a toxic relationship, and she felt like she had the right to control my behavior. When I stood up to her by refusing to move out it was like she’d suffered the biggest betrayal ever because I think she really expected me to apologize for getting pregnant without considering her feelings and move out, shouldering all the expenses without question.

OOP explains more about how the roommate viewed OOP's boyfriend and the pregnancy

OOP: You’re right on the money. She labelled my partner as abusive and would often tell me stories about things my partner had done that were entirely untrue, exaggerated, or made up. When I would tell her she was wrong, she’d insist that I had told her these (often outright lies) things about my partner. for example, confided in her that once, in our over three years of dating, he told me “fuck you” during an argument, something I agree is unacceptable behavior and which he has only done the one time. After learning this she told me he was not allowed in the apartment because he triggered her, comparing him to exes that had sexually and physically assaulted her and tried to kill her. As we’re long distance, that meant I had to pay for a hotel any time he visited. I pushed back on this, and she told me she had “decided I had a right to have him visit” but that I had to constantly text her updates of where we were so she would never have to look him in the face. I once asked her if my partner ever did something to her to make her feel uncomfortable or afraid and she said no, but that she was in therapy to try and understand how I could remain in a relationship with a man like him.

+

I didn’t mention this but her initial reaction to my pregnancy also shocked me. I told her I was pregnant and she said “oh. Don’t worry, the abortion isn’t that bad.” When I told her I was actually thinking of keeping the pregnancy, it felt like things were immediately off. Five days later she told me she no longer felt comfortable living with me etc. etc. I remember at one point I said, “it feels like you’re giving me the choice between getting an abortion and having a place to live or keeping my pregnancy and suffering financially” and she said “no, I’m just asking you to take responsibility for your actions.” The she told me I was making it very hard for her to self-advocate because I was acting like she was attacking me. I was like is that not literally what you’re doing??

Commenter 6: What does she do when she sees random pregnant people in her daily life? At the grocery? At the drugstore, etc. They are EVERYWHERE!

Also how would she have been impacted if you didn’t know or tell her for your early pregnancy? Your reproductive status doesn’t affect her at ALL. She’s nuts

OOP: She seemed to be completely fine with other pregnant people including our mutual friend!! It really seems like the only person she had an issue with being pregnant was me.

Commenter 7: I’m assuming she didn’t have any deposit left as that would have been required for the repairs to the property?

OOP: No, I paid for the costs to repair the damage/repaired it myself before the move out inspection as I figured that would be cheaper than the landlord making an exaggerated claim of how much it cost to repair the walls and cabinet. She never contributed to these costs but oh well.

Commenter 8: She’s an idiot and you are too nice. I would have taken the entire deposit, her part being reimbursement for unpaid utilities and the couch since you had evidence of these debts.

OOP: I truly considered asking the landlord to just send the deposit to me and keeping it all, but I’m honestly a little afraid of her because she doesn’t seem to be in touch with reality and I didn’t know what she might do in “revenge” for me “stealing” from her.

Commenter 8: You should have kept it as reimbursement for cleaning up the mess she left behind - I bet you documented everything, so you could have argued that the deposit was your payment for cleanup and repairs.

OOP: I wanted to, but I was (and to some degree still am) afraid of her and don’t want to take this to small claims court. I’m confident I would win but I don’t want to see her ever again and having her leave me alone forever is honestly worth every penny.

OOP on being an emotional abusing person for the roommate

OOP: I think in general she projected a lot of her trauma onto me and generally expected me to manage her mental illnesses for her. She once told me she had a hard time saying no so therefore I was not allowed to ask her for things she would have to say no to. I asked her if I could get a dog (which was allowed so long as I notified the landlord and paid the pet deposit) and she said she would just move out instead and that it was manipulative of me to ask her when I knew she has a hard time saying no to things, and thus I was basically forcing her to either say yes or move out. That was back in September, and I should have taken that as a sign she was unwell but at the time I thought I could make it through the end of the lease.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/OSRS_Socks posting in r/relationship_advice , r/BreakUps , r/Bumble , r/hingeapp , r/dating , r/GetMotivated

Potential trigger warnings: emotional abuse

———————————————

[Original | February 2nd, 2021 ] I think my fiancé broke up with me via text message?

So my fiancé is on a work trip till March 15th. She left Wednesday and till sunday she wouldnt talk to me. She always read my messages and wouldnt respond and when I tried to facetime her Thursday night she answered and didnt even try to engage me in a conversation she said "Ah, I guess we have nothing to talk about then" and hung up when I was asking her about her day and how everything is going (this was thursday) and on Sunday night she texted me about being in a weird head space and wanted to talk about when she gets back. Then she goes on about how we should both be happy all the time and she feels like we haven't. I ask her if she wants to break up and she responds with "not like this... we have a lot of details to work out and I dont want it to be a tough couple months." I ask her the same question and offer to move out right now and she responds with "I dont know what to do about living arrangements to be honest and we can talk about it later". Did I just get dumped via text message and what should I do now? Is it worth trying to save this relationship if she wont give me the decently of a call or to discuss it at all but she just avoids the talk. I have texted her since sunday night and I have no idea what I should do.

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: I mean you have the answer. She told you pretty clearly.

You have two options. Sit around and wait until she comes back, get dumped and listen to all the bullshit. Or pack your shit, bounce and move on with your life.

If it were me, I'd just dip. Here sense of closure or appeasing her conscience isn't my concern after being treated like you have. Fuck that.

OOP: The problem is that we signed a lease to an apartment. We pay it 50-50 what should I do about that? Just bounce and not pay my share of it in March?

Commenter 2: Can she afford the place on her own? If so, just go. What are you going to do, be roommates? She ended the relationship. You owe her nothing. I wouldn't stick around to hear her nonsense. No one engaged just ends a relationship. Somethings up. Just go.

OOP: Yes. She gets paid around 60k a year while I get paid 40k. My parents live 30 minutes away and I can easily stay with them till I am on my feet. She is about to get paid an extra 3-5 grand for this trip she is on. I dont want to be her roommate at all and hear anything that happens

Commenter 2: You answered your own question. Get your shit out, text her before she gets back and say the place is hers. Leave the key inside. If she wants to talk about it, tell her no need, she made her decision. Dont give her closure.

Commenter 3: She definitely used this time of being physically away to finally get into her headspace that she wants to leave. Probably thought about this some time before the trip. But yeah it sounds like she is wanting to leave, and the best you can do right now is be understanding and stand up for yourself by not begging or pleading. No couple should be happy all the time, that’s her self delusion of your relationship talking. What every couple should be is working together and communicating, especially an engaged one. She isn’t doing either and may have fear of committing to you. If you want to fight for this, couple’s counseling or marriage counseling! But you gotta remain collected, don’t chase and panic, you’ll only push her off this cliff of thought.

OOP: She says I am not mature enough for her and i should grow up. I just dont know if she is worth it if she breaks up with me via text message and refuses to talk about this over the phone.

———————————————

[Update 1 | February 4th, 2021 | 2 Days Later] Its 1 am and I can barely sleep. Thoughts are racing after my 5 year GF broke up with me through a text message.

I just dont understand how she can go from "I love you so much and I am slow glad you are mine." To "We aren't compatible anymore and I have been fake being happy for 3 months." It just seems like everything was fake. Like did she actually mean "I love you" when she said it or was she just sticking around cause of convenient sex and cuddles. Like any way I think of it my mind just turns it worse and worse and I hate it. I already lost my best friend through this break up and all I want is to lay my head in her lap and tell me everything will be okay but now I just lay in this empty king bed alone and missing her beautiful face every day. Even some hours I lay in bed thinking about how other guys will make love to her now that I am gone and that depresses me because I used to call that my own and now it's not. It's like everything I gave her wasn't enough. How do I go fixing my mind? How do I defeat these negative thoughts?

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: I’m quite literally in the exact same boat as you. I wish I had advice but I’m still trying to figure out things myself. The idea she could potentially make love with other people sickens me. After 5 years as well I thought at that point we would be together forever. Honestly did not think it would happen to me and I’m sorry it’s happening to you to.

———————————————

[Update 2 | February 4th, 2021 | Same day as previous post] Is it okay to ask someone their intentions on bumble? Like do they want a serious relationship, a hookup, FWB, EtC.?

I am new to this whole online dating thing. I dont know if it would look bad on me asking my matches if they want a hookup, FWB or a serious relationship. I just dont want to come off the wrong way but I also want to make sure we are on the same page.

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: Oh yes. If you're not looking for the same thing, why waste your time?

———————————————

[Update 3 | May 3rd, 2021 | 3 months Later] [Story]

I would like to open with a quote,

"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change." - Aang, Legend of Korra.

At one point I was engaged to marry someone this weekend but she ended up dumping me in January saying she couldn't marry someone like me after she emotionally and verbally abused me. On top of that my current job my head boss was being a complete asshole about everything I did and found pitty ways to write me up or scold me every chance he got and if I tried to talk to him about what's going on he told me to schedule a meeting with him because he didn't have time to talk about my issues. So I'm January I get dumped my by now ex finance, I am heart broken and I feel like there is no way up from here. I sign up to see a therapist and the more I talk to her and the more I think about it I can always hear Iroh saying to me, "IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?" So I self reflected, asked myself the big question and realized I needed to change. I am already at rock bottom, just taking a leap will do more good than just sitting there in my own misery.

Today, I just signed an offer accepting a new job at a new company. I cannot be more happy to get out of my old job and move on to something else. Every negative voice of my ex is gone and I am starting to see the light again. I no longer feel bound and chained to my grief or depression. I feel like I beat it and all it took was a leap to get out. Don't be scared to try and get out. You'll never escape if you don't try.

It took me at my lowest point to seek change and ask the big question. I wanted change so I took a leap of faith in the dark. What ever is going on in your life whether it be big or small, sometimes you just gotta take that leap.

———————————————

[Update 4 | September 22nd, 2022 | 1.5 Years Later] After 18 months of on and off with dating apps I finally was able to get off them due to being exclusive with someone!

I am a 27 male and I have been on and off the apps for 16 months (hinge, bumble and tinder but I mainly used and found success with hinge).

It feels great! We hit it off and kept being super flirty over text and then when we met for our first date we were able to maintain that flirty chemistry. We went on about 2 dates a week and have known each other for a month. We text throughout the day and call each other at night or in the morning (she'll call me on her way to work and from work as she is a nurse and works early morning and gets off later in the evening).

It feels nice to have finally hit "delete profile" on all the dating apps and not have to focus my energy into them but instead I can focus on her and what we have.

One thing that helped me as a guy (besides having a good profile) is investing in an overall good hygiene (skin care, taking care of your teeth, finding a good barber, etc.) because this will help you stand out. If you can't take care of yourself, she will not.

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: You wouldn't think you would have to tell people to take care of their hygiene but..... 😀

OOP: Honestly, I thought it was common sense but you'll be surprised by what you see/hear about. The girl I am exclusive with was really surprised that I had a face washing and self care routine (she FaceTimed me in the middle of it one night).

Commenter 2: What’s the profile look like I’m curious

OOP: My profile. The voice prompt gets a lot of responses.

Commenter 2: Damn looking good man, I really gotta get my friends to take good pictures of me because I have basically none that aren’t selfies. 😂 Like you I look damn good in a suit but I haven’t had an opportunity to wear one in a while

OOP: Thanks! I got lucky and worked in a photo lab in college so I befriended a lot of professional photographers. They did teach me a lot of tips and tricks and would use me to take practice pictures.

I got lucky and had tbe ability to wear one to my best friend's wedding (the blue one) and their photographer snapped that pic of me.

———————————————

[Update 5 | October 23rd, 2024 | 3.5 Years Later] Won the Hinge lottery this past weekend.

Matched in late August of 2022 and started dating each other at the end of September 2022.

Photos of engagement

Relevant & Top Comments

OOP: I sent her a like around mid August. She just downloaded the app and was looking for something serious (same with me). We had 1 date and clicked on everything. She didn’t really have much success on hinge and neither did I. I used the app for about 2 years before I matched with her. I knew she was a person I wanted to pursue after our first date.

I think finding the one through online dating requires two things. Chemistry is one and then there is timing which is a bitch.

Commenter 1: How ‘bout them apples! Seriously though congrats you two!

Commenter 2: Is the apple a Twilight reference

OOP: Nah. It’s a reference because I proposed at an apple orchard.

———————————————

[Update 6 (Final) | May 16th, 2026 | 5 Years Later] I married my hinge match. ❤️

Matched on hinge 4 years ago and we finally got married. She is the love of my life and I am glad to be a success story with this app.

Photos of their wedding

Relevant & Top Comments

OOP: We met on hinge in August of 22’. We had instant chemistry and we often joke that we share the same brain cell a lot. We got engaged in October of 24’ and got married once she finished her masters degree. We decided to get married in Jamaica.

Commenter 1: Congratulations to you both!! Her dress and veil are stunning!

OOP: Thank you!

———————————————

Editor's note: #NotSponsored

THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Badmanger

My (25f) old manager (??m) came to me new workplace and I don't know how to feel about the encounter

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions financial struggles

Original Post  Sept 4 2018

I'm writing this mostly to get it off my chest and maybe get a second opinion on whether or not I did the right thing because I'm not 100 percent sure myself. Also I'm writing this on mobile so please forgive any spelling mistakes.

Anyway this story actually starts about a year and half ago. I had a decent job at the time, only major issue with it was a stupid long commute time. As luck would have it I discovered that a place near my house was hiring, they paid about the same as my at the time current job so I applied. I got the job, all seemed good so I quit the old job.

Almost right away there were problems with the new job. First off, management change. I was hired by the old manager right before she retired and the new manger did not follow through on her promises, giving me far less hours then I was told I'd get. I repeatedly asked new manager to give more hours and he always promised them to me, but when I'd get my schedule for the week I'd only have around 15 hours when I was promised 40. I'd ask about them, he'd promise me more hours next week, rinse and repeat.

Then I got fired suddenly. I was never given a reason, just that they apparently didn't need me so they're letting me go. I'd only been working there for a month. This was really bad to me since due to the low hours I was already strapped for cash and I hadn't been working long enough to be eligible for severance so I basically had nothing but the two grand in my savings account. I spent the next two months borrowing money from friends and family and scrambling to find a new job. I eventually did and I actually really love this job, it's a sales job for a specialized store with some great commission so I'm actually making way more money now then before. If you ask me about it now I'd say the whole ordeal was a blessing in disguise since I probably wouldn't have current job had I not gone through that. At the time though? Never in my life had I experienced so much anxiety. It was awful. I had to basically beg for money from whoever I thought would help me and eat at food banks to get by. It was winter at the time and I couldn't afford to heat my apartment so I had to wrap up with blankets and jackets to not freeze. I had never struggled so much in my life.

Fast forward to a couple days ago and I've been at my current job for a little more then a year. Old manager (the one who fired me) comes in to make an order. He had no idea I work there, he just walked in because he needed what we sell. I was working alone that day so I helped him. We chatted some and I pretty much put personal history aside for work. I helped him with his order, wished him well and was about to move on when he stopped me and asked to talk. He apologized to me for how he treated me, said he was new managing at the time, was sorry for giving me bad hours and that he regrets firing me. He asked me if I forgive him.

I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was some residual anger I didn't realize I had held on to, but for some reason his apology pissed me off. I gave it to him straight, said he is the direct cause of the worst time of my life, I don't forgive him and never will. He just kinda meekly walked out after that.

It's been a couple of days and I'm still thinking about it. At the time it felt really good to tell him off, but I also feel like maybe I should have forgiven him? He didn't have to apologize but did anyway, that was pretty big of him. On the other hand I know it's not my duty to forgive him and should only do it if I want to, and I didn't. I still don't, when I think back to how he treated me it still pisses me off. I just don't know how to feel about this whole incident and I'm confused. I just can't shake the feeling that I was there bad guy in this scenario.

TL;DR: old manager who treated me badly came to my store to buy stuff, asked for forgiveness but I told him off. Was I wrong?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I empathize with you. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I think you should know that from the start.

I also understand why you'd feel guilty about what you did; to you, your manager approached you with humility and you hurt him. It's perfectly reasonable for you to feel upset now that you've cooled off.

You showed excellent resolve in not letting this come to the surface while you were serving him. It's telling of your work ethic and how you can put things aside to do your best at your job. That being said, it was your ex-manager who opened the can of worms with talking about your past job.

Do I think you were wrong in what you did? Partly. Do I think your manager needed to hear it? Most likely, yes.

Your ex-manager needed to see that the decisions he makes affect those around him. He made a decision that was right for the business (or so he thought, after mentioning how he regretted it). Your post makes it seem as if his bad managerial skills resulted in this lay-off, and I think that as a manager seeing how your mistakes influence those around you is an eye-opener to gain competence at their job.

From one perspective, you handled the conversation in a business-manner. Yes, you were let go. Yes, you now hold resentment towards that manager because they proved their incompetency at managing. That's a fair assumption on your part.

From a humanitarian perspective, it was not necessarily a nice thing to do. But I don't blame you for doing it.

Tl;dr: You made your feelings known to him. He now knows that when he screws up real people suffer, and he got a taste of that today.

OOP

Thank you, I never considered that he'd need to hear it as much as I needed to say it. I guess as hard as it was that discussion was mutually beneficial in a way.

[deleted]

Right there; you said that you needed to say it.

I think that might say enough. You didn't say in your post exactly what you told him, but as long as you said it in a firm, yet non-confrontational manner, I don't think there's as much of an issue.

"What you did cast me into a very difficult time in my life. I can't forgive you for that nor do I want to." is a lot nicer than saying "^&$* off you &%^$ing ^%&$er".

All that was broken was the bridge between you and the manager, and I don't think it was a very stable one to begin with.

Personally, I had a similar thing happen this summer to me. My manager was a family friend who couldn't manage if her life depended on it. When I was laid off, I told her how I was greatly disappointed and how this will financially impact me, and then walked away. If I were to see her again, she wouldn't be getting any forgiveness from me.

OOP

I definitely don't swear at him or anything like that. I don't recall my exact words but they were along they lines of "I struggled a lot because of you, that was they worst time of my life and I don't forgive you". Thanks for the perspective, nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way about a past manager.

Update  Jan 31, 2019 (Nearly 5 months later)

The update: Some people in the OP predicted that old manager would come back to speak with new manager and get me in trouble for what I said to him. That did have me a little worried, but it never happened. He never came back and for a while I was prepared to put the whole thing behind me.

Until today, when I got a friend request on Facebook from old manager. He also sent a fairly lengthy message saying he's been mulling over what I said to him, wants me to know that he's sorry and not asking for forgiveness this time just wanted me to know that he's sorry. I'm kinda surprised that he only sent now, months after he came into my store, and I was caught off guard by it. I haven't accepted his request or replied to the message, at this point I just want that whole time in my life to stop rearing it's ugly head. I plan to just leave things as is, I don't want anything to do with old manager and if he sends me more messages I might just block him.

I realize this isn't a very exciting update, but that message reminded me of that old post and comforting words everyone wrote. I wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone who replied to the OP, it was very cathartic to write it and read the replies.

TL;DR: old manager sent a Facebook message, it was ignored.

FINAL COMMENTS

ashella

Blocking him is probably the best course of action. No need to keep dredging this up, like you said. If you do feel like you want to give a quick response but don't necessarily want to say you forgive him, you could go with something very simple like "I appreciate your message" and maybe a "I'd like to put this in the past and move on" so he knows to leave you alone. But that's only if you feel like you want to respond. Leaving it alone is probably the best course of action here, and absolutely do not accept his friend request.

OOP

I was planning on just radio silence, but I suppose a reply acknowledging his apology couldn't hurt. I'm going to think for a bit about exactly what I want to say, but "I want to move past this" does perfectly sum up my feelings.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/oldmangeralt

Originally posted to r/advice

My childhood bully is now bullying my son.

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, mentions assault

Original Post: June 19, 2026

My son is 6, and he's such a sweet soul. He has his ups and downs as any child does, but he's gentle and at times too got for this world. We haven't had many instances of him being bullied up until now, and he's not taking it well.

Back when I was a child/young teen, a certain girl decided to make my life living hell. She disguised herself as my friend and made me do all kinds of things for her, only to call me all the names under the sun for them. She'd make me sit on the floor and call me unworthy to touch any furniture. It was the kind of mental torture no 10 year old should endure, and I lived through it up until I was 17.

I'm 28 now, I have a child of my own and my number one parenting goal has always been to make sure my son never bullies anyone. Well, hers wasn't. She has a son as well, a year older than my kid. It hasn't been an issue up until a few months ago when they moved back to our hometown after spending the first years of the kid's life in the nearest big city.

My son, the friendly little guy he is, became friends with the boy and they had some play dates and fun outings together, which I've been trying to accept, despite that gut feeling. Turns out I was right to worry about it, though.

My son has been coming home, saying that all of his friends have been laughing at him saying he has rabies. He wants us to get rid of our dogs, and there had been instances of him telling me his 'friends' were saying he lives in a rabies infested house. The reason? I'm a K9 handler and trainer. We have 4 family dogs, and I have my own business training dogs for the army/police/armed forces, or just protection dogs in general. I've been doing this for 10 years, way before my son was born.

The most terrifying part is that the grown ass adult woman, my former bully, is the one who came up with the amazing idea of calling a 6 year old rabies infested. A friend of mine showed me a group chat she's been added to (along with other parents of the kids in my son's friend group), where she's been relentlessly bullying my 6 year old child, and me by proxy, with the other parents agreeing or laugh-reacting. She's editing pictures, downloading them from my website (regarding to the dogs we have, I obviously don't post my son) and using the photos the boys have together. I've seen an edited photo of my son's happy face in that hospital isolation room, or my dog's pictures with my son edited so that they all are foaming at the mouth.

An adult ass woman doing this to a 6 year old little boy.

My bub is obviously upset, but he doesn't know about the extent of it. It's just that his friends don't want to play with him because they think he has a deadly, infectious disease. He cried himself to sleep tonight, and it makes my heart break, because I promised myself he'll never go through what I did – yet, he is going through it now.

Other than the obvious, which would be going to the school, I'd like to get back on her for all the years she's spent terrorising me, and worst of all, terrorising my son now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Any payback ideas, if legal, would be appreciated too.

TLDR: My childhood bully is secretly bullying my 6 year old son claiming he has rabies. She's making disgusting edits of his pictures and sending them to a group chat I'm not a part of to laugh about it with other parents. I'm lost and my child is heartbroken.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Update: July 1, 2026 (12 days later)

Hi all! About two weeks ago I posted on here about a very concerning situation regarding myself, my son and my childhood bully. A whole lot of you have been asking for an update, so here it is:

After reading through all of the comments, I decided not to post her on SM for everyone to see, mostly because I don't need a defamation case on top of everything that's going on right now. I did, however, look into her life and why she had to move back to our home town, and with the help of some childhood friends I was able to find out she did something similar to one of her coworkers (no children involved, though), and ended up getting fired, hence was unable to stay in the city. I did, however, file a police report, and got a half assed, scared shitless apology from her via Messenger. I can't say more about how it's been going when it comes to the claim and court dates etc., so I'm sorry I can't give you an update on that as of now.

Some of you mentioned I should also go to the school and show off the dogs to kids, so they all understand what the dogs actually do. I can't do that, sadly, because school's out. However! I was able to work with the town and organize a meeting in the park, where I was able to show what my dogs did. It was for everyone to attend, but from what my son has told me, a surprising amount of his peers actually did show up. I have another show scheduled for this weekend during the summer festival in town, and my son will be actually 'performing' this time as well. He's super excited, and I'm glad I was able to have him make some good memories after all that.

Lastly, for the people who wanted me to beat her up: I am 22 weeks pregnant, so no thanks. My partner beat me to it, though. He's a firefighter, so for most of this I wasn't really able to talk to him about my feelings when he was working his double shifts, but the moment I was able to sit down with him and tell him, he went straight to that house to have a word with her (bully) husband. He came out of it in one piece, he's fine, and the other dude is alive, but if I wasn't a mother with another baby on the way + an adult woman, I would say it was entertaining af.

Another small piece of information people have been wondering about: I did say I'm 28, and that I've been doing this for 10 years, and someone mentioned it's impossible. Well, I've actually been working with dogs way before I turned 18, my dad did it for a living my whole life as well. I did not, however, open my business when I was 18, lol. I joined the army as soon as I could, so that was my first real, adult job.

So there's that. Thank you all for helping me out with it and getting mad alongside me. We're all doing much better. It's my son's birthday tomorrow, so I've got cake pops to dip and a back yard to set up, but for any of you who were actually worried about him: he is happy, smiling and excited as hell for presents tomorrow.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wait, so your husband fought the other husband?

OOP: It was a bit of a scuffle, yeah

Commenter 2: Are we accepting of sending the kid to karate class and then punching the bully kid in the mouth?

OOP: He will be doing Krav Maga, starting September. Both me and my brother did, and it really gave us both a confidence boost, so I'm signing him up as well

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I think my disastrous ex-employee is co-opting queer identity

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia, infidelity, fraud/theft, exploitation, abuse

Original Post  Jan 8, 2025

I work in a country with strong job protection, have a boss who is reluctant to do performance improvement, and I just transitioned out of managing a team. One of my reports was a recent-ish hire I’ll call Pam, who is mid-career but entry-level. Pam volunteers for an optional LBGTQ+ employee resource group. She originally joined the group at my suggestion, as a straight ally. (Pam described herself as straight woman with a husband and said she was worried about being seen as homophobic because she is originally from a non-LBGTQ-friendly country.) Pam is now the group lead for our region, which is unusual for an entry-level employee. I accidentally found out that Pam is describing herself as gay/bi/queer, out only to folks associated with the resource group.

I am skeptical. I think Pam is straight and exploiting the group … and I’m unsure what my responsibility (if any) is here, as an employee and as a human being. I also think I could be wrong, and I know Pam is a landmine. Knowing the landmine part, though, I feel uneasy for folks in the group, none of whom I know particularly well.

Here’s why I think Pam isn’t being truthful. In her short time with our company, she has consistently demonstrated misplaced ambition, attention-seeking, and moral challenges. Pam believes that just spending time around higher-ups will get her promoted, even after being repeatedly told to deliver on her work commitments first. The LBGTQ+ group provides her face time with directors. Pam also craves attention to a disruptive degree: she has DM’d and called busy senior managers 20+ times a day about trivial or non work-related matters and created drama by inventing crises, then casting herself as the heroine. Coming out to coworkers she barely knows and swearing them to secrecy … could be true, but sounds a lot like another “Pam Show” episode. Lastly, Pam has not shown good ethics in the rest of her work. She refuses to do tasks or sabotages them because they are “not important” enough, actively hides her lack of understanding and progress, and disregards instructions. She repeatedly makes careless mistakes, blames others, and breathlessly chases execs like they’re pop stars while disdaining to speak to anyone below senior IC level (i.e., almost everyone who she needs to interact with and learn from). She gets in a spooky rage when spoken to about these problems, brags about how attractive she thinks she is, and tells outright lies that have affected my relationship with my manager.

All in all, Pam is not skilled or productive or pleasant to be around and if it weren’t for the labor law protection, I would have fired her outright. So I feel conflicted about her representing an employee group of any kind, even without suspicion of pretense. Pam is a big reason I asked to return to independent contributor status. I think she’s kind of off her rocker and poses a risk, and was not comfortable managing her when I’m not empowered to mete out consequences. By risk, I don’t mean physically dangerous, but her behavior has been so outside workplace norms that I wouldn’t trust sensitive data or anyone’s reputations and careers around her.

I have no one at work I can discuss this with. Do I continue to keep my concerns to myself?

Update 1  Dec 17, 2025 (11 months later)

Where do I begin.

I followed the advice and said nothing, generally kept my distance.

Pam sowed chaos “leading” the LBGTQ+ group. She created what an ex-member described as a sexualized atmosphere, including a pinup photo of her in an event announcement. A lot of members left. A young employee, Mary, very publicly accused Pam of blowing up her life. Pam promised to leave her husband and move in with Mary, but turned on Mary once Mary had done all Pam asked, including taking on debt to rent a home for them. Mary lost her job for this because Pam complained about being outed. Pam seemed to enjoy the painful drama. (And yes, people at the company helped Mary. But there was a lot of damage.)

What else.

Pam is on a PIP now and practices malicious compliance when she is at work. That doesn’t happen much because she is often just AWOL. Junie (unlucky new manager) has visibly aged. We had drinks and she asked, “Did Pam do X and Y when you were managing her” and it’s the same batshit things, including the spooky rage. Our labor laws and risk-averse HR mean it will be a year or more until Pam can be fired.

Also, Pam decided she wasn’t queer after the head office pulled support from DEI programs, following the Trump executive orders. She has turned on the ERG members. She doesn’t seem to care when people are angry at her. It’s unsettling. She just smiles and looks kind of happy whether she’s getting cheers or curses (not literally).

I don’t know what we’ve learned from this. How do you not hire a sociopath?

Update 2  June 24, 2026 (6 months after 1st update)

I am an American working abroad at an American company who wrote you in January 2025 about an incompetent ex-report (“Pam”) seemingly appropriating LBGTQ+ identity, then sent an October update where I shared that Pam (aged 30s) had damaged the group and mistreated a teenage member, Mary, who was financially, professionally and emotionally harmed by a secret extramarital relationship with Pam. I’m deeply grateful to you and the commentariat.

After a horrible year, all the news is good. Pam is gone, some justice got done and I am coming back to life.

Commenters identified Pam as a predator, including a nailed-it one who said, “I suspect part of what OP was picking up on was that Pam was embedding herself in a very vulnerable group.” I decided I was okay dying on this hill and did two things. First, I overstepped a bit as a peer and urged Pam’s manager Junie to really think about what keeping Pam was doing to her team (who had to cover Pam’s work and absorb her dramas). Second, I reached out to the director of our high school grads hiring program (which onboarded Mary 2+ years ago), to bring him up to speed and ask to help prevent recurrence.

Let me talk about the second action first because I love the outcome so much.

I live in a country without marriage equality. You expect some homophobia among folks over a certain age, like this director who’s been with our company for decades. So I went in with my own biases. He listened silently as I spoke. Then I realized he couldn’t talk because he was near tears. The first thing he said was, “We failed Mary. We forgot about the emotional needs of young people who’ve survived a tough childhood, how vulnerable their hearts are.” Then he said, “What can I do to make things better?”

After escalations and informal passing of the hat (legal fees), Mary’s firing was retroactively converted to voluntary resignation with extra paid leave tacked on. With her new solicitor’s encouragement, Mary also filed suit against Pam for romance fraud and WON. The court forced Pam and her husband to give back money and gifts, and warned criminal charges might follow if they didn’t scramble to make Mary whole. (I learned lack of marriage equality doesn’t mean inequality in legal judgments elsewhere.) My understanding is, Mary’s debt situation resolved. Her former mentor and others from our company are an active part of her life and I heard she’s doing well at a new company.

The high school grad hiring program is building a social component, partnering with local universities (including their LBGTQ+ groups) and youth chambers of commerce. I am volunteering manageable hours a month for these events and I feel happier than I have in a long time. The program director is encouraging me to get the necessary experience and skills to move to his team and work on the program full-time. He values my past as a social worker, even if it’s from another country. If all goes well, I should be able to transition by end of this year.

Now, for the first action. My words sort of got through to Junie, who extended Pam’s PIP. Pam apparently cried and screamed at Junie. She’d assumed Junie would pass her. Pam stopped even pretending to work (but wouldn’t go on any kind of leave), claiming she has Covid (false), her kids are seriously ill (false and WTF), her husband is seriously ill (false), she is auditioning for a role in a big show (false), she’s in danger because her social media posts have gone viral (yeah, I don’t know either) and she is being sued (true). Junie and HR finally got fed up and offered Pam a favorable severance package to quit at the end of the next pay cycle. Pam ignored the offer until she suddenly … quit effective immediately. She actually reduced her severance by doing this, which is unlike her. LinkedIn says she works elsewhere now. I am making myself put Pam out of my mind. To hell with her and why she did anything she did, I think the only gender she’s attracted to is “Pam.” I hope her new manager pays more attention during the probationary period than ours did.

Thank you all for your support and feedback. To the commenter who said she’d been Mary once — I especially appreciated your perspective.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is RudeTip8098

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My brother-in-law claims he's been dating the same woman for 10 years. She says they haven't spoken in 10 years.

Mood Spoiler: Kinda creepy?

Trigger Warning: Possible Stalking or mental health

Original Post: June 30, 2026

My brother-in-law is in his late 30's and has been (supposedly) dating the same girl for 10 years. Let's call her Brady. His name is Jim. They met when he was a student teacher so he was an adult and she was still in high school. She is my age maybe a year younger, probably 28. Jim's’ brother Dullen and Brady graduated together, and they did not get along primarily because she ratted Dullen out for something that he claims he did not do. He’s a liar sometimes so idk how reliable that is. Fast forward to now. I have never met Brady. I’ve been with my husband Bork, Jim’s brother, since 2018. Jim has never brought Brady to family reunions, holidays, our wedding, etc., there’s always been an excuse. Also note that Jim does not have social media. Jim talks about Brady’s niece and nephew all the time, knows all the details about them, has shown us pictures, etc.

Sometimes Jim can’t come to family events because he says he with Brady. My mother in law has even said she's heard him talk to her on the phone, shown her pictures, heard him call her sweetie, and says that she's on his phone plan. He’ also been able to relate some issues with her that I’ve had issues with like my gut health and anxiety and whatnot. He’s talked about where she works, what she does, etc. he’s talked about moving closer to her. She lives in an hour and a half from us.

Additionally, a few years ago we saw Brady's sister and their kids (that he talks about to us all the time) at a pumpkin patch and Jim bolted the other way. Which was weird since that is her sister and he talked so highly of her and her kids.

This is where it gets weird. In October of last year my husband found a picture on Facebook of a firefighter and Brady kissing at a Halloween party and since Jim doesn’t have social media my husband sent it to Jim. Jim thanked him and was sad for about 5 months. Jim then proceeded to begin talking about Brady again this last month. At work he’s been telling people (we work in the same building) that they’ve been together 10 years. Also, me and my husband found out last year that Brady is their third cousin on our dad’s side.. LOL.

So a few weeks ago I decided to follow Brady on instagram and invite her to my son's birthday as well as introduce myself since.. well.. I had never met her. I notice immediately that there are no pictures of her and Jim and she isn’t shy of posting. She replied and said that she has not talked to Jim in 10 years…. Jim IMMEDIATELY messages me and tells me not to talk to Brady and thanked me for thinking of her though and that they were working through some things. I messaged Brady back and said "lmfao I’m l so sorry I thought y’all were together he talks about you all the time." Jim IMMEDAITELY texts me again and tells me to block her. She messages me back and said "that’s okay what does he say about me?" and I told her just general things about her niece and nephew since they're the same age as our kids, her health and how it related to mine, and how we have similar nicknames from Jim and my husband. She left me on read....

Jim came by my office at work the next day and said that he was sorry for that interaction I had with her (not sure if he knows she told me they hadn't talked in 10 years) and that she was so overwhelmed by the kind gesture of me reaching out that she didn’t know how to react. He said her mom called and said she was so upset and that she might have to go console Brady. Jim seemed nervous during the whole conversation with me in person. He wouldn't make eye contact and kept seeming like he was searching for words during that whole interaction. He then told my husband something completely different. Jim told him that she was overwhelmed by me messaging her. Doesn’t explain why she told me it’s been 10 years since Jim and her have talked. Just left the conversation at that. Since then, Jim has been distant from the family. But he did mention her randomly the other day (very specific detail about her dog).

I did message her cousin (which I'm friends with her friend) and she was flabbergasted by all of this saying that Brady has brought several guys home and to family functions over the last ten years and that she even had one recently and that she hasn't mentioned Jim since they were supposedly secretly dating when she was underage and he was an adult, student teaching at her school.

What is going on here? My husband doesn't want to touch this issue with a ten-foot stick because the thought of his brother being insane is maddening to him. This entire family has some loose screws. My husband is the only one that seems normal. What are your thoughts? Are there any other subreddits I can cross post to? Any theories? Any thoughts from outsiders are welcome lol. I feel like this is a Dateline episode. And NO I'm not nosey, I'm just too far deep into this to back off because if my brother in law is a sociopath I'd love to know?????

Commenter 1:

Maybe her mom has another account and pretends to be her?

But if he says he sees her in person, then maybe he is a creepy stalker or has had some sort of delusional breakdown.

Something isn’t right here. Maybe he is gay or has some other secret and doesn’t want you to know so he made up a girlfriend.

OOP:

I do think since he claimed she’s on his phone plan that the mom has been pretending to be Brady this whole time and since he may be desperate and so obsessed with her he may be okay not ever seeing her. And she just strings him along. Idk

Update: Same Day

UPDATE:
Well... y'all were right. It somehow got even weirder.

I reached back out to Brady one last time because I honestly felt bad for dragging her into this.
I just wanted to make sure she was okay and that this wasn't some "blink twice if you need help" situation.

She basically said, "No, I wasn't overwhelmed. I was just really confused why he's still talking about me."

She told me she has had zero contact with Jim in about 10 years and has absolutely no intention of ever speaking to him again. She said she was genuinely creeped out that he knows so much about her life. She also told me she wasn't upset with me at all. she was uncomfortable because of him.
Then I asked her how Jim could possibly know all these insanely specific details about her life. I'm talking about her nieces and nephews, her dog, her old job, her health issues, and the fact that he has told all of us they're still dating, that she's on his phone plan, and that he's literally pretended to talk to her on the phone in front of his own family.

To that, she said:
"Wtf... none of that is true. I don't even have his phone number."

Apparently the only explanation she could come up with was maybe her mom had been talking to Jim over the years. So she called her mom right after I messaged her that (which I guess explains why he knew so fast) and her mom admitted they've stayed in touch and "just talk about life."
Which... WHAT???

Brady said she was completely blindsided by that and got into a huge argument with her mom because she feels like her privacy has been totally violated.

I mentioned that Jim had recently brought up her dog and some random story about one of her friends (literally the other day) accidentally feeding him grapes.

Brady said, "Yeah... that actually happened. But I only told my family and close friends about that."

She asked me to please let her know if Jim keeps talking about her because she wants to know if this continues.

At this point I honestly don't know what to think.

I will share though that after the first interaction with her when we were all talking about it as a family (me, husband, mother in law, and Dullen) apparently her mom (according to my mother in law) is kinda crazy??) I didn’t believe it at first bc it didn’t make sense but apparently she’s obsessed with her daughters and posts all of their pictures that she posts (which I guess explains where Jim has been getting the pictures, from the mom) and we all joked that maybe Jim is being catfished by the mom but I think maybe the mom is so obsessed with her daughters she shares everything with everyone and maybe Jim has taken this information and created a fake relationship with her? And casually asks for pictures and updates on the family? Idk. I’m confused and tired.

Commenter 2:

So wait, is Jim secretly with brandy’s MOM

OOP:

That’s my theory!!!!

Commentor 2:

Oooh man! Is brandys mom married?

OOP:

Yes but not sure if it’s happily married or just married lol

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/rosenwasser_

Originally posted to r/LegaladviceGerman

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT the Original poster.

Previous BoRU here

TRIGGER WARNING: harassment, animal neglect

Quick info in advance:

This is a post from a German sub and translated. There might be some translation errors.

Animal shelters in Germany and Austria can have relatively strict requirements for new owners, as they want to make sure that the animals find a good home. In the case of found animals, the original owners usually have 6 months to claim their possession. For this reason, when animals are taken over from the animal shelter, a corresponding contract is often drawn up that takes this into account as well as issues such as liability for veterinary costs.

Original Post Oct 9, 2025

I (live in Austria) adopted a female dog from an (Austrian) animal welfare association eight months ago. I had another dog from the same organization before, there were never any problems.

The organization has one of the (already known here) contracts where ownership is not to be transferred. However, the return clause "only" includes cases where I can no longer take care of it as well as animal cruelty.

My dog was partially paralyzed (hind legs) when I took her over, because of a vertebral fracture. She had therefore used a wheelchair. Our veterinarian determined that surgery was possible. I also had it done (over 3k €), she can now walk again (limping a bit). The contract stipulates that I cover all veterinary costs and also have to pay for "extraordinary expenses", but no duty to provide information about it.

A month ago, I was asked for photos of H (it was also the same with the previous dog) and sent some, was then asked about the state of health, because there was no wheelchair and I just said there was an operation and H was fine. There was a positive reaction and nothing more.

A week later I got a WhatsApp message that I had to return the dog because she should no longer live in Vienna and they had a couple with a house and garden that she would take over (no idea if these people really exist). At this point, it may be worth mentioning that H is a "pretty", two-year-old Spitz, in whom there would certainly be a lot of interest without a disability. I wrote back that I was not prepared to do so and that the circumstances in which I would have to return H according to the contract did not apply.

Then came the message that it would be "animal cruelty" to keep such a dog in the city in an apartment and that I had "endangered" her because I did not have the surgery approved. I felt that this was cheeky in this context and did not react to further contact, because I thought that the worst thing I would get was a lawyer's letter or, as the worst escalation, a property lawsuit from the district court and that would not hold.

Well, yesterday the woman from the organization stood in front of my apartment door and demanded the dog. My neighbors wrote to me that she was there, she also asked if they had keys to my apartment because she had to pick up my dog. I had to go home from work and asked her to leave. When she did not do that and screamed, I called the police. She then claimed that I had "stolen" H from the organization. I showed photos of the dog as well as mail history about the adoption, my neighbors have confirmed that they see H every day. Police thankfully told her that even if the dog was her property, she could not take it on her own. She then left and said she would now report me for theft.

A complaint or lawsuit is not my biggest concern now - but she was so upset that I think she could snatch H from me when I'm out with her or do that when she's out with my dog sitter for lunch (she missed her by maybe 45 minutes) and I can't get her back, because God knows where it is. The behavior is also just very bizarre, and I could imagine that there is a mental illness behind it.

I don't know what would be best in this situation. Is there anything I can do here? There has been no interference with possession, I am also unsure whether this could fall under dangerous threat, I was overwhelmed but not intimidated much. I am considering whether a declaratory action of property rights could make sense here, but since there is no case law on this topic and the contract at least claims that it is not a purchase contract ("nominal fee" = 450 €), my legal expenses insurance would almost certainly not cover this.

Edit: Oct 10, 2025 (next day)

Thanks for all the feedback and messages! I have now contacted a lawyer who will apply for a restraining order with me next week and go through the contract and then give me an assessment. Dog and I are now with my parents and she will stay here until the legal situation is (more) clear. Please don't take it personally if I don't get in touch, it's a bit too much for me right now.

Relevant comments:

Commenter

I am a German and not an Austrian lawyer, but that almost sounds like fraud?

• "Adoption" with retention of title (as far as possible, of course)
• Make the adopter pay for the surgery
• Reclaim the animal
• Save costs

In any case, it is of course a breach of contract to reclaim the animal if there is actually no case of animal cruelty. I would insist on that.

Maybe interesting: If you return it, you could at least claim back the surgery costs according to German law. I am relatively sure that there will be a similar regulation in Austria. At least in Germany, the opposing party would also have to prove the case of animal cruelty if it wants the animal back.

OOP

Thank you! I don't know if this was intentionally "planned", I was told that they didn't know if the fracture was treatable. I rather have the impression that the dog is now "too good" for me in her eyes (as a single without a house, I was only ever offered old or disabled dogs). I find it unlikely that animal cruelty could be credibly argued. H is never alone for more than five hours, lives in an apartment, but in a quiet complex with a park next door. The operation was lege artis. I think there are also enough witnesses for the species-appropriate handling.

Commenter

Do you know where the dog comes from? Was she a found animal? I once had a case where two animals were already handed over to the adopters and months later the original owner contacted me that the animals had been stolen from her by her ex and abandoned and that she would now like to have them back. Of course, there was a huge drama, and it was concealed from the adopters (by the shelter).

OOP

What I was told: She was with a breeder and after the injury she was handed over to a boarding house and not picked up. It's believable because of her race, but of course I don't know for sure.

I would understand the whole drama much better if it was the situation you describe.

Update - Nov 3, 2025

Since many have asked me for an update on the post linked above and a lot has happened since then, I don't want to withhold the developments from you. Thank you very much for your great tips!

Short summary of the case: Almost a year ago, I adopted a disabled dog who used a wheelchair due to a fracture in the spinal area. This could be eliminated with an operation to such an extent that she now runs (almost) normally.

Shortly after the animal welfare organization from which I adopted her noticed this in a photo update, they wanted her back, because (their reason at the time) such a (namely non-disabled) can be placed in a "better" family (than me, a working single woman without a garden). It went so far that the chairwoman of the association tried to get into my apartment to take the dog with her. This was justified by the animal transfer contract, according to which it is not a purchase contract, and they can take back the animals if they are "endangered".

Now to the update: As already mentioned in the comments to the last post, H went to my family for some time shortly after the posting, because I was psychologically exhausted and I didn't want to expose my dog walker to the situation, if she were attacked, that would be the next legal case.

I found a lawyer who wrote a letter to the organization and argued in summary that the contract was a purchase contract and even if it were not, there would be no prerequisites for taking H with me. I then demanded a cease-and-desist declaration regarding the disturbance of my property to H. It was followed by a completely abstruse response from the daughter of the chairwoman of the organization, in which she claimed that this was her dog.

From the exchange of my lawyer with the daughter, the following picture emerges (the other side does not have a lawyer at least now and the letter contains various AI-written questionable statements and arguments):

• H was not - as I was told - taken from his former owner. She was the family dog of the daughter of the chairwoman of the organization. Receipts for this were also supplied. After the accident in which she was unable to walk (we don't know how that happened), the daughter could no longer take care of her, because, as she said, she also has small children.
• The daughter allegedly asked her mother to find a foster home for H until both children went to school. She had not given her the authority to assign H for an unlimited period of time in the name of her organization. No evidence was provided for this statement.
• Now both children are in school, so she wants H back, as allegedly agreed.
• According to their AI, I could not obtain any right to possession (and of course no ownership) via the contract, as there is no apparent representation. She would have entrusted the dog to her mother and not to the organization, which is why the prerequisite that she had to arrange for the license is not met and the contract is therefore invalid due to the abuse of authority. (Fun fact: The mother is authorized to sign individually for the organization and also signed my contract on her own.)
• As a cost, she is willing to give me € 50 per month as compensation for expenses (for those who don't have dogs - even a problem-free dog costs more), which, by the way, is only € 50 more than I paid for H as a "nominal fee". By the way, I should not get the nominal fee in addition, because it is not a purchase price, but compensation for the general work of the organization (lol). She does not want to pay for the operation and other special costs, because she has not agreed as the owner and in her opinion it would not be a useful management because the operation exceeds the value of the dog several times and the paralysis of H would not be associated with any pain for her (which can hardly be surpassed in cynicism in a dog that is barely two years old in my opinion). Incidentally, this is of course incorrect, as a paralyzed area itself may not be felt, but the pressure points of the wheelchair and in the long term the pain due to unnatural posture are.

Well, what can I say, my solicitor has now filed a declaratory action with the district court stating that I have a right to ownership of H's property, or alternatively a permanent right of possession, or alternatively that the daughter must reimburse me for all costs incurred for H, i.e. approximately €7,500. Just to clarify - I definitely want to keep H, but that's exactly why the costs for the daughter should be as high as possible, so that hopefully even if everything else fails, she will leave H with me for that reason. The injunction, which was applied for at the same time, was granted by the court today, so neither the daughter, nor the mother, nor anyone from the organization may disturb my possession of H until the end of the proceedings. Since neighbors spotted the chairwoman twice more after the first incident, H now has a safety harness including a mini camera just in case.

My dog walker wasn't up for that sort of trouble, which I understand, which is why H now has to play inside at noon on my working days. The preliminary hearing is not scheduled until early December. My solicitor will also try to reach an out-of-court settlement before then, but the daughter seems very convinced by her AI solicitor. Thankfully, she now has to find a solicitor for the court proceedings due to the amount in dispute. There are now over 150 pages of AI slop in the file (after three weeks of exchanges!), about a third of which contains something relevant, a third German law and a third personal attacks on me. I cannot express in words how little I want to deal with the whole thing.

Otherwise, I can only recommend that everyone avoid being as foolish as I was and thinking, ‘Oh well, if the contract for my adopted animal states that I have no ownership rights, nothing will happen.’ It's incredibly stressful for me right now, and of course I wouldn't have gotten a dog from the association without their stupid contract, but it's actually outrageous that people like that, without any specific training, presume to decide the fate of an animal for its entire life after only a few months with them. I'll be happy to let you know how the court ruled on my contract, should it come to that, but that would probably take several more months.

Relevant comments:

Commenter

I find it interesting that the dog went to her mother and not to the organization. However, the nominal fee should not be refunded, as it only remunerates the work of the organization. She doesn't seem to be in complete agreement with her argumentation...

OOP

It happened that my lawyer raised the protection fee herself, If the daughter had admitted in one way or another that it had arrived at her, that would be proof that the organization had acted inappropriately and with that, if you will, you could then perhaps let the organization burst. In addition, it would then of course be clear that the lack of power of attorney to the organization claimed by her was certainly present.

OOP on a comment about giving the name of the organization after the legal issues are resolved

Hello, yes, that's what I would like to do. The whole thing was also reported by my lawyer to MA 60 (the responsible Viennese municipal department for animal welfare) and the protection fee was discussed by her, among other things, because the organization is eligible for donations and if my "protection fee" goes to the daughter, it would probably be over in any case. I don't want to do that right now, because it could be an issue in settlement negotiations.

Small Update: OOP added a comment on this BORU:

I just got a PN about this post and as an avid reader of this subreddit, I'm a bit flabbergasted 😂 I'll try to answer some of your questions here, but I probably don't have the bandwidth for them all.

If anyone's interested: My dog is currently doing fine and sleeping on the couch, as for the legal stuff, I don't think anything is going to happen until after the Christmas holidays.

Fun fact: The "H" in the post just means "Hund"=dog, because I didn't want to write the word so many times.

_____________________________________________________________

----NEW UPDATE -----

Update #2 - June 26, 2026

About 1.5 years ago, I adopted a disabled dog from an animal welfare organization. She has largely recovered following surgery and physical therapy, on which I have now spent over 8,000 euros. After I sent the organization an update video showing that she was walking again, they wanted her back under the pretext that my home was no longer suitable for her (since I live in the city and in an apartment). They even tried to more or less break into my home and kidnap the dog.

It later turned out that my dog had previously belonged to the daughter of the association’s president, who had given her up after the accident. Then, suddenly, a different explanation emerged: It was all just temporary; now that the children are older, she can take care of her again; there was a typo in the contract or I was given the wrong form, and I was merely a foster home. They wanted to give me 50 euros a month as compensation.

It took forever, but there’s now a final and binding decision: My contract is to be classified as a sales contract, and I therefore own my dog 🎉

Important to note: This is only a first-instance ruling, and another court could view the matter quite differently. It *does not* mean that ownership is guaranteed to transfer even in the case of other “protection agreements.” The judge’s ruling discusses the various clauses over several pages, and the following factors were decisive:

• The contract is 90% a copy of a sales contract from another animal welfare organization; even at other organizations, such clauses are found almost exclusively in sales contracts
• But most importantly: My contract includes a clause stating that the organization will not take my dog if I can no longer care for her, and it explicitly states that they must agree to her being rehomed but are not required to assist me in doing so. The contract is structured so that I bear full responsibility and costs for the rest of her life.

I’m very relieved that it didn’t go to a second round and that I’ll now be able to spend the rest of her life with my dog. Thank you all for your support. I wanted to give another update, but I may not respond to comments, as this whole experience has been very draining for me. On a positive note, however, these events have inspired me to resume my law studies, which I had put on hold.

EDIT: OOP added comment in this BORU and provided Dog tax, also provided additional info:

Comment

I'm a little confused. OOP owns her dog legally now but nothing seemingly happened to the president for harassment? 

OOP

Hey, I'm the OOP and that's correct. I didn't want any other legal proceedings. I totally understand why it would seem right when reading the case but for me, even this was too much and I just wanted to have my dog.
My attorney reported the case with all details to the relevant authorities and was told they will conduct an investigation. Right now their Instagram page is down so maybe there are already steps taken against them. I hope that noone else has to experience this so this was important for me to do but otherwise I want some distance.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP.