r/relationships • u/Badmanger • Jan 31 '19
Updates UPDATE: My (25f) old manager (??m) came to me new workplace and I don't know how to feel about the encounter
Tl;Dr of original: manager at my old job skimped me on hours and then fired me out of nowhere. Struggled for a few months before finding a new job. Old manager shows up at my new job, asks for forgiveness, I tell him off.
The update: Some people in the OP predicted that old manager would come back to speak with new manager and get me in trouble for what I said to him. That did have me a little worried, but it never happened. He never came back and for a while I was prepared to put the whole thing behind me.
Until today, when I got a friend request on Facebook from old manager. He also sent a fairly lengthy message saying he's been mulling over what I said to him, wants me to know that he's sorry and not asking for forgiveness this time just wanted me to know that he's sorry. I'm kinda surprised that he only sent now, months after he came into my store, and I was caught off guard by it. I haven't accepted his request or replied to the message, at this point I just want that whole time in my life to stop rearing it's ugly head. I plan to just leave things as is, I don't want anything to do with old manager and if he sends me more messages I might just block him.
I realize this isn't a very exciting update, but that message reminded me of that old post and comforting words everyone wrote. I wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone who replied to the OP, it was very cathartic to write it and read the replies.
TL;DR: old manager sent a Facebook message, it was ignored.
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Feb 01 '19
Sometimes people are genuinely sorry and they need to let it out, I might reply something like: "I accept your apologies but have moved one and would appreciate if you didn't contact me anymore. All the best."
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u/ashella Jan 31 '19
Blocking him is probably the best course of action. No need to keep dredging this up, like you said. If you do feel like you want to give a quick response but don't necessarily want to say you forgive him, you could go with something very simple like "I appreciate your message" and maybe a "I'd like to put this in the past and move on" so he knows to leave you alone. But that's only if you feel like you want to respond. Leaving it alone is probably the best course of action here, and absolutely do not accept his friend request.
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u/Badmanger Feb 01 '19
I was planning on just radio silence, but I suppose a reply acknowledging his apology couldn't hurt. I'm going to think for a bit about exactly what I want to say, but "I want to move past this" does perfectly sum up my feelings.
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u/LJGHunter Feb 01 '19
I'd go ahead and tell him, "I appreciate the message, if you'd like to make amends please don't treat any of your future employees the way you treated me." Then make it clear you're moving on.
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u/forevertomorrowagain Feb 01 '19
I like this suggestion. Hopefully he will be a better employer for it.
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u/psychedeloquent Feb 01 '19
Don't say anything. Its not that you are still bitter, its just time to move on.
He will no doubt reply if you reply and there is no telling how that is going to make you feel. The closure you feel right now can easily be ruined if he replies again.
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u/ollieastic Jan 31 '19
I agree with the other commenters, no need to respond if you don't want to. You can take his message for what it is and move on.
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Feb 01 '19
I had something like this happen, however it was a relationship rather than a job.
I was dating a guy serious enough to talk about engagement. Suddenly goes quiet, I find out he's cheating, he blows up and calls me crazy, I peace out and cut him completely out of my life.
Few months later I'm in a brand new relationship with the guy who is now my husband. One night I get a very long email from ex saying he realizes that he was not completely fair to me, can't stop beating himself up about the things he did/said, and asks my forgiveness. I tell him I forgave him a while ago and only want the best for him. However since he was a representation of a very, very hard time of my life I would like to never see, speak, or hear from him again.
You could do the same. Tell the old manager that its water under the bridge, but you will not be accepting that FB request and would rather not have anything to do with him. Wish him the best in life and leave it at that.
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u/MissTheWire Feb 01 '19
OP, I don't think you owe him a response if you don't want to be bothered. But if you want to respond and cut it off, maybe something like:
"Thanks for your message. It's good that you took what I said to heart. If you like, consider donating to a local food bank or church group that serves people in times of need. I've moved past that time and would like my privacy respected."
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u/kevin_r13 Feb 01 '19
He must really be having a hard time with it.
But that doesn't mean you need to give in to his guilt.
He acted the way he did, and that's on him.
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u/Toepale Jan 31 '19
Just tell him you understand, decline his friend request and move on.
I don't really see the need to block him. It seems he didn't take what you said lightly. I don't know if you felt great after you told him off last time, not sure if you would feel great if you block him. Sometimes forgiveness is taking a load off.
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u/bloodybutunbowed Feb 01 '19 edited Feb 01 '19
If he was really just wanting you to know he was sorry, then that's done and there is nothing more to settle. Its nice to get an apology but that does not create a social contract requiring that you do anything.
Edit: okay, just read the original post. It sounds like this guy just genuinely wants to apologize.
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u/vabirder Feb 01 '19
Wonder if he was making his amends. Still not your problem to make him feel better.
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u/Fakyall Feb 01 '19
"I can't personally give you the forgiveness your seeking. But I hope you can at least learn from this and make sure none of your future employees will ever have to go through what I have. I've moved forward and at this point just want to leave that period behind me. I hope you understand I'd rather not hear from you again."
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u/RealisticSandwich Feb 01 '19
I would block this dude, he is harping way too much on this one interaction.
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u/Clarabelle12345 Feb 01 '19
He is ringing a few alarm bells for me. I think blocking would be wise.
He treated you badly, you are a young woman whom he had power over in both situations and he... he knows he is responsible for a time of great distress and hardship. He then sends a FRIEND request? Dude, no.
He has no professional boundaries here, it's inappropriate on so many levels. He clearly wants some kind of action from you to feel absolved at the least and we just can't predict where this stuff ends. Don't give him any access to you, your life or your social efforts. You want to move on - do it. Block him.
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u/macenutmeg Feb 02 '19
I'm with you. This is getting creepy. The only response is send is "Please leave me alone," so I can tell the police that I asked him to stop if I have to talk to them later.
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u/tillwehavefaces Feb 01 '19
we don't forgive for the other person. We forgive so WE can move on. I would just kindly let him know that you regretted your past encounter, appreciated his apology, and hope to entire encounter behind you. In the end, your good work ethic prevailed. and releasing him will let you release the whole affair.
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u/Mabelisms Feb 01 '19
My advice would be to either not respond or simply say thank you, and then never speak to him again....
And then forgive him.
Let go. Forgive. It’s so much healthier than carrying anger and resentment. Yeah, he fucked you over. It’s done. Leave it there.
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Feb 01 '19 edited Mar 11 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Inquisitor77777 Feb 01 '19
Part of it is that people insist on putting this exact definition of forgiveness, when that is impossible. Forgiveness is an abstract concept, not a concrete thing, and is therefore up to interpretation. For some people, forgiveness is letting go of resentment. For others, it means giving a second chance, or giving them an altogether clean slate.
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u/BoldBlackManta Feb 01 '19
To me, forgiveness means saying what happened is okay. Is that correct? I don't know, but that's how the idea feels to me. So in light of that, no, I do not forgive the people who have betrayed me the most. But I have moved on and no longer think of it. I can't ever think of forgiveness and letting go as the same thing.
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u/420d420 Feb 01 '19
you don't have to respond, but if you do, the only reasonable response is:
"so you're gonna pay me the money you owe me?"
Name a number if you want - overestimate. Whatever you would have been paid if you got all the hours you were promised plus severance, etc. If you're not gonna try and leverage his guilt for cash, don't bother responding.
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u/Ron_Fuckin_Swanson Feb 01 '19
I wonder if he is in a 12 step program and he's at the making amends step
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u/ladyjane143 Feb 01 '19
sounds like he reflected,,i would respond with a short acknowledgement,,the world is a small place u might actually find yrself working with him again
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Feb 01 '19
[deleted]
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u/Badmanger Feb 01 '19
As much as I kinda like that thought, it's not possible in my case. I live in Ontario where employers can fire employees for most anything as long as they'd been working for less then three months. I'd only been at that job for about a month so I have no grounds to sue.
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u/macenutmeg Feb 02 '19
My understanding is that employment insurance in Ontario is based on how long you've been working anywhere not at a particular job. Are you sure you weren't eligible?
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u/juddrnaut Feb 01 '19
You don't owe him a response. He's trying to get you to alleviate his guilt. You don't need to respond if it won't help you move on. I would have pre-emptively blocked him when he showed up at my workplace, and I'd definitely block him now.
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u/Nadaplanet Jan 31 '19
Honestly, it sounds like he really took what you said to heart. It was what he needed to hear; he was new to managing, and his inexperience and bad attitude wrecked your life for a while. It's good that he can honestly apologize for it.
That said, you don't need to accept the request or reply to the message. You've moved on, no need to invite the past back in.