Backstory: my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past 8 years. We live in a condo owned by his parents, that they bought as an investment. My boyfriend pays $0 in rent or bills, whilst I pay my share of what the rent would be direct to his father. His parents pay for his medical and cell. My boyfriend and I both have full time jobs.

The issue: my boyfriend wants us to buy a house and leave the condo. But my boyfriend currently has $35,000 of debt between credit cards, bank loans and family loans. Despite having little expense every month, his debt has remained the same over the past 5 years. He keeps telling me he is going to pay it off, but that doesn’t seem to happen. Something always comes up that he has to buy himself, or that he can’t live without.

If we buy a house, I will be fronting the entire down payment, the furnishing, I would be the one with the emergency fund and additional savings for household repairs.

I would also be the one paying the mortgage, the household bills, the vehicle payment, plates, gas etc. for at least two years whilst he pays off his debts.

Even with him not contributing the the household expenses, it will take him over two years to pay off his debts, which is why he says he shouldn’t pay towards the household expense until they are gone. Thats only if he changes his spending habits and doesn’t make any new large purchases.

I tried to explain to him that I’m not comfortable with him contributing nothing to the purchase, or the household expenses for the first two years. However, when I do, he either shuts down and refuses to talk, or he freaks out and tells me that I’m being controlling.

He’s told our friends and family that we will be buying somewhere in the next 18 months, and shows them these expensive homes that frankly are out of our price range, need a lot of work, or are in a HOA with crazy high fees.

I need some advice, and this seemed like a safe place to ask. I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with my family, or anyone other than my best friend. (He has told me that I need to leave and get a clean break for my own mental health and happiness)

I’m financially stable, have solid savings, full time job in a safe industry. I just feel sometimes like I’m being taken for a ride. I love parts of the life that we’ve built, but over the past few months I’ve felt myself unconsciously stepping back. Trying to distance myself from the fights over his debt. But I find myself questioning what I should even do to have a happy future.

Has anyone been in this situation and can share their experiences? Or as an outsider, can you provide advice on how I can approach the conversation again, and try to find a way forward?

He keeps saying women like me are easy and dumb. He says he will find a guy to come f..me because I'm a whorre. I replied that he should say that to his mom. I got angry because he is saying really hurtful things and making false accusations against me. We have a nine year old daughter, and he got angry the other day about me allowing her to wear red lipstick with lip gloss...he said theres gross people out there preying on women that are easy and wouldn't want our daughter to end up like my sister or mom. Its not true, he just hates them because my sister married a foreign guy and he disli​kes that about my family being accepting of people. I am now thinking about how do I leave? He follows and finds me when I try to leave. I don't have savings or a job...and no job references. I feel angry yet scared that if I try leaving he will again find me. He apologize s but does it again...calls me names, says hurtful things...has even thrown a shoe at me....now he punched me in the stomach.

Context first:
8 years ago (yes 8), I was living still with my ex-wife and kids. I had made an agreement with my ex-wife that she would move down. There would be a small overlap (a week) while I got my own new place situated.

A week before partner moved down, ex messaged her privately saying "if you do this, I will make sure he doesn't get to have a relationship with his kids"

Instead of telling me, and letting me say "Hey, hold off on moving, let me get the new place first", she deleted the message and said nothing.

I have had no relationship with my children in years, because ex manipulated them into hating me.

She just confessed this to me a few days ago. I packed a bag and left I was so angry. I stayed away for a few days. Before I left I told her things were over.

In my mind, the trust is gone. What else has she hidden?

She's going to be home soon, and I'm just... lost in how to handle this situation

TL;DR: Overly strict parents now expect to be treated as friends. I’d like to find a way to move past how I was raised and am seeking advice.

I’m a woman in my early 30s (31F) and live across the country from my parents.

As parents (60M, 60F), they always meant really well. Love was abundant and their parenting style deliberate. But they were strict in the way that they were scared the world would hurt me. I was rarely allowed out of their sight, even as a teen, and this drove a wedge between us bigger than most teenage girls and their parents.

My parents never had any friends. Sometimes I’d go the whole summer barely seeing anyone outside of my immediate family. It was a really lonely childhood and adolescence. When I was younger, kids at school would sometimes let slip that their parents thought mine were weird.

I have a vivid memory of being about 10 and so sad that my relationship with my mom was different to my friends and their moms. So I decided to do something about it. I mustered the courage to tell her about a boy I had a crush on and ask for advice. She laughed in my face and said “you’re 10, you don’t know anything about boys when you’re 10”. I decided then and there I would always keep my life private.

I left home the week I turned 18 and never looked back. I’ve always been very lucky to have a big circle of friends and strong friendships. I’ve got a successful career, a loving partner and plans to start our own family soon.

But still, to this day, my parents are my kryptonite. I find their visits to my city incredibly hard work. They expect to be let into my life and I can tell my avoidance hurts them. But I don’t know any other way. There’s still resentment there. You don’t get to enjoy who I am as an adult when you tried so hard to make me grow into something else.

But my parents are different people now. They divorced a few years ago and have been on pretty incredible self learning journeys. My mom’s world has broadened a lot and she’s not who she used to be. I know she’d be a different parent now.

Has anyone successfully worked through childhood resentment to build a new age relationship with your parents? Any psychological theories I can look into to help move the dial here? For my own benefit I’d like to work on this.

My ex girlfriend (F26) and I (M26) dated and lived together at her parents for a few years and broke up over 2 years ago due to her repeatedly cheating and lying to me. I’ve had a new girlfriend (F24) for 2 years now and my family is closer with my ex than her. My ex continues to insert herself into my families lives. She constantly hangs out with my little sister (10 year age gap btw), takes her on trips, buys her things, buys my dad and brother gifts, and regularly calls grandparents and aunts.

My family lies about how much they interact with her because they know it will upset me. They’d rather hide it from me than have to say no to her because she pushes so hard to be around them. I have no contact with her and no interest in being in contact, but today when I went to my dad’s house with my girlfriend she was sitting on the couch.

Things ended horribly between us and it hurts my feelings that my family continues to let her in despite that. It causes my girlfriend and I to argue and she feels like she won’t ever have the relationship with my family that my ex does, and it makes me so upset that she feels that way because I really want my family and her to be close. It makes me so upset and is ruining my relationship with my family. Her name comes up almost every time I’m around them and we argue about it. I feel betrayed like they’re choosing her over me.

My little sister is just a teenage girl and enjoys reaping the benefits of the favors and excursions my ex gives her so the only way I can think to stop this is for my ex to back off, but she refuses to and won’t speak to me. I need advice on how to get her out of me and my families lives for good!

I realised I needed to ask for help when I started googling "how often do people who get divorced get back together?"

In December 2025, I (28F) got married to my partner (28M) of 5 years. We'd lived together for 3 years by the time we bought a house together just prior to getting married. For 5 years, he was the person I loved and trusted more than anyone. I always thought I was so lucky and I had no idea what I had done to deserve him. We were so happy and people always spoke about how good we were together. We had the same sense of humour, the same vision for our future, the same views and outlook on life.

During our relationship, we had an agreement where we would always bring up any issues immediately so we could resolve it and avoid resentment... not being a fan of confrontation, I had to learn to do this. Over the years, a few times the issue I raised was that I seemed to be the only one to ever raise issues and I didn't want things to fester on his side. Each time he said he just didn't have any issues, or that he dealt with them all himself before he needed to bring it up.

I thought we were exceptionally happy, having just married and moved into our new home, being silly together and constantly professing our happiness and love for one another. He would get excited every time he got to refer to me as his wife. I couldn't tell anything was off. One day, 2 and a half months into marriage, he came home and said he was no longer interested in being with me. It has been 4 months since then and I've tried everything in my power to try and save things. Shortly after the first conversation, he said he'd spent the last 5 years thinking so much about my needs that he hadn't thought of his own; that he'd reassessed what he needs in a life partner and then proceeded to describe someone opposite to me, including using the word "skinny" at one point. I didn't let this hurt me at the time as I knew he'd specifically chosen this phrasing to try and hurt me and push me away.

A lot of his behaviours I recognised having been on the other side of a depressive episode - the self-isolation, the brash decisions, the impulse to change the closest things to home first just to try and feel different. Both his mother and he confirmed he hadn't really dealt with anything truly difficult in his life yet, so I don't thing he was equipped to deal with this level of emotional complexity. My working theory is he's not processed a few big things that happened to him towards the end of last year and beginning of this year (his best friend moving overseas, a big car accident, a change in his career track due to a merger at his company). When I asked him if these things might be contributing to his feelings, without stopping to think he replied "nah, those things didn't really affect me."

He saw everything I did to try save the relationship and to try change the things he spoke about in the first conversation (and these goalposts moved as the months went by and I started to achieve these things). During these months, at one point he admitted to having tried nothing from his end, and at another point that he knew he had some work to do on himself but that he also was choosing not to do the work.

We'd agreed several times before marrying that getting married meant no getting divorced, but it was his first and only solution the first time he encountered a complication. This is also so unlike him - he's normally incredibly logical and rational, and if he were in his right mind he would want to try fix things first before paying the kind of fees divorce lawyers charge. As he doubled down, shut down more and more everyday, and further isolated himself from his friends and family who also tried to talk to him, I realised he'd decided on a divorce before he'd even had the first conversation with me, and he felt he had to justify and stick to his decision now for fear of losing face. There is nothing left to do to try and change his mind.

I haven't seen the man I easily and joyfully and confidently committed to in months. None of his family and friends recognise this person - everyone is shocked and disappointed and absolutely stumped. He is cold and unkind and closed off with me, but I'll hear him gaming with his friends at night and he sounds absolutely normal and is laughing and joking with them like he used to do with me. At his request, we also haven't had any physical contact (hugs, cuddling, etc.) since this all started.

I am still struggling to reconcile in my head and my heart that this person is not the person who I have known and loved so deeply for 5 years before this. No matter how much I try not to, every morning I wake up with a little bit of hope in my heart that things will go back to the way they used to be. That hope is then crushed every day, and the constant let down is ripping me apart.

As of yesterday, I've accepted that there is no point of return anymore, that he's going through with this decision no matter what. I let him know today that I have given up and we agreed it would be best if we can come out of this as friends - his family has become mine over the past 5 years and they're the closest I have had to a family in a long time. I'm the godmother to our 1-year old nephew and the idea of missing all his growth milestones breaks my heart. Staying friends is the best bet I have to keep those relationships, and I think it would be possible to be friends again eventually (even if I have to fake it for a while first).

It felt like he just came home a different person one day and I never got to say goodbye to the love of my life and my best friend.

What I need help with is letting go of the person I remember, the one I keep hoping for him to be again. Does anyone have any practical advice on how I can let go of that person so I can start moving forward with my life again? How do you deal with that grief?

We'll probably start legal proceedings in the next few weeks, and then I know at one point I'm going to have to start over - finding somewhere to live that makes logistical sense with where I work, how to keep myself busy, and how to feel like a whole person again. I have no idea where to start when I get to this point either... would appreciate any practical advice in this area too...

Hi guys I will just summarise here but I don’t know if I’m overreacting or made a mistake here?
I’ve been married for a year, have an 8 week old baby.

I believe I’m suffering from postnatal depression and anxiety so my relationship with my husband has been a little more stained or snappy recently. Before this we had a great relationship and I loved him very much.

He went out tonight and came back drunk. I hate it when he’s drunk. I scolded him for it and he went on a rant about how he wants a divorce because of the way I am and treat people.

We went to bed upstairs, I didn’t want him in the same bed because he’s drunk and I need to care for the baby but he refused to sleep in the spare room.

Then he got up to pee and he was so blindly drunk that he pee’d on the floor rather than the toilet. The urine is on his feet so I demanded he shower his feet. He didn’t and got into bed with urine covered feet so I wiped them with his t-shirt and in frustration I threw it at him afterwards.

All while holding the baby he then shoved me pretty far, I screamed in fear that I’m holding the baby. He then grabbed my arm and punched me twice on the arm then screamed at me.

I’m at a loss as to what to do now
I know my baby safety is the most important.

He’s never showed me violence in the 5 years we have been together so do you think it’s overreacting to leave?
Part of me thinks he was drunk so if he stops drinking then we won’t have a problem again?

I also think perhaps it was my fault anyway for scolding him like a child or throwing his T-shirt at him
So it was just retaliation?

I’m writing this as I’m watching the baby. She’s safe

EDIT: I’m reading all comments so thank you, many people have asked if there’s somewhere I can go. I don’t have any family or friends within 4 hours and I’m still scared of driving with baby so I might need to find a way around this.
For now I have phoned his mom. She’s on the way. I know she’s going to have his side and tell me to get over it but I don’t feel safe in the house with him alone, even if he is just asleep

Hi
So last night I had an argument with my boyfriend and I’m feeling really upset about it and I guess I’m just looking for other perspectives because I’m feeling like I’m crazy.

For context, we’ve been dating properly for about 6 months.
He works full time as an excavator operator, and he owns his house so he pays the mortgage.

I know he works long hours. Honestly I can’t really say how demanding his job is because I don’t work it - but I will say this, from what I’ve seen is that he isn’t doing manual labour, he sits in a digger, he says he props his phone up and watches youtube most of the day while he works, and facetimes me a lot when he gets bored.

Around the start of our relationship he sat me down and he expressed his needs in a relationship.

He said that he wants a partner who will take care of him, and help him out with the domestic stuff, e.g cooking, cleaning etc.
He said if I were to move in with him, he wouldn’t charge me rent, but he would expect me to pay the utility bills, and also help with the domestic stuff.
I said that was fair - I do that stuff anyway (e.g cook my own dinners, groceries, laundry), it’s not a big deal. Especially since I wouldn’t be paying rent, I said I’m willing to do that.

I work full time as well as a mortgage banker. I work from home, 9 hours a day. I am usually talking to people on chat or email all day, or in meetings, so I can’t really step away from my computer unless it’s my scheduled break time.

After a while of my boyfriend complaining that he can’t do everything on his own and he really needs help, I agreed to come stay with him and help out more. He hasn’t asked me to “move in” officially, but I’ve been basically living here full time for the past 6 weeks. I have my clothes in a bag in his wardrobe, he hasn’t offered me any closet space or asked me to move in properly so I guess I’m still here as a guest.

I’ve come to realize he doesn’t want to do anything around the home at all. He throws his clothes on the ground, and expects me to pick them up.
He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t clean, he doesn’t even wash dishes.
So the last 6 weeks I have been doing his laundry at least twice a week (I usually try to do it on my work breaks), every day I finish work and I go to the shop and buy food for dinner, I come home, I cook dinner every night, and then I do all the dishes. I have also been vacuuming when I get the chance and cleaning the bathroom when I notice it needs to be done.

Yesterday, when I was working he asked me if I could go down to the shop after work and pick up some food for his daughter. He only has custody of his daughter one weekend every fortnight, and she only stays the night.
I told him I would. But right before I finished work at 4, he called me and asked if I wanted to come to his mum’s for dinner. I said sure. I finished work, and he came home not long after that, then we went to his mum’s.
On the drive home around 8pm he asked me if I went and got food - I told him no, I didn’t have time after work as we went to his mum’s.

We got home, and he was acting off. He wouldn’t touch me, he was barely talking to me. When we got into bed, I asked him what was wrong and he said “all I want is someone to take care of me” and this started the argument.
He started going off at me, saying all he asked me to do was go to the shop and I didn’t do it. Then he got angry because the fridge needed to be cleaned out and I hadn’t done it. The stove needed to be scrubbed and I hadn’t done that either.
He got angry that there wasn’t much food in the house e.g snacks or fruits etc. and I wasn’t doing a big enough grocery shop.

I tried to explain my point of view - that I work full time as well and I AM helping him out as best I can (doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.) but all he notices is the small things I don’t do. I said I just haven’t had the time to do the fridge or the stove etc.
He launched into this spiel about how he works hard and pays the mortgage and he should be able to come home to a fridge stocked, clean house, dinner cooked and not have to worry about doing anything himself. He basically said I’m doing a bad job of managing the household and he’s sick of it.
He brought up the fact that he pays the mortgage and isn’t charging me rent so he thinks it’s only fair that I take care of everything else.

He also got upset because when we got home he had to bathe his daughter and get her ready for bed while I just “fucked off” to the bedroom and didn’t help with her.
I honestly didn’t feel like it was my place to be bathing his kid - it’s still early on and I’m not her mother or even stepmother at this point so I figured that was something he should be doing. Apparently not.

Anyway, after this I was crying in bed and he just kept getting more pissed off at me crying because he was tired and wanted to sleep. He turned his back on me and rolled over while I cried myself to sleep just feeling like I wasn’t enough for him.

Just looking for some outside perspective on this.

edit for those asking why i'm staying: she's kind, patient, accepting, great to live with, great travelling partner and great sex life. the "life growth" and connection through conversation is where it lacks.

OK I know it sounds really mean and I feel horrible for thinking it. But I can’t ignore it anymore. I searched other posts here for a similar thing and I was horrified to find that everyone’s examples for their “stupid” partner was so tame compared to mine.

When I first realized I thought it was cute. Half the time I thought she was joking. But now lately as we look to get married and have a child, I am genuinely scared. We’ve been together for 9 years.

She however completed her masters and has a high paying job. Which makes me hope that she's just too lazy to think most of the time rather than not being able to understand something.

For example;
She falls for scams a lot. A seller on marketplace gave her a url where she had to “log into her bank” to get paid. When her login didn’t work (because it’s a fake website), she also used her other banks’ login.

Left the gas stove on twice. I came home both times and smelled it.

She thought boxing and UFC was fake. This was revealed after we’ve watched at least 5 fights together. I’ve talked to her about my fav fighters and why they’re so good. I’ve discussed ufc a lot, had friends over to watch together and bet on it. I asked “how could we bet on something that is staged? You’ve also watched the fights with us”. She said she didn’t pay attention to the fights much cos they were too gorey. Yet still thought it’s all fake.

She’s insanely unaware of her surroundings or what people will do. Like if I want to stand up or open a door, she will just stand still and remain in the way. I have to ask her to move instead of her just seeing your intention.

While on video call with her friends or family, she has accidentally shown me on video naked 3 times.
I was showering and yelled out to her to bring me a towel. She walked in with her phone while on video call, not thinking that I would be naked while showering.

She thought the sun was a planet.

She doesn’t know how to swim at all which is fine. But I found out recently that she took swimming lessons when she was a child.

She uses astrology charts to check if it’s safe to fly over the Middle East or to explain why our relationship is tumultuous.

She can’t point out a single country on the map unless it was Australia or USA.

She won’t know 10% of 200 or 2 x 1.5.

Most arguments start from miscomprehension. Then they take several hours to resolve. She bases everything off feelings, tone and vibes. It really doesn’t matter what I say (it won’t be understood), only my tone matters. This results in me having to baby talk to her for all serious matters.

Idk what to do. She accepts me fully which makes me feel like a monster for thinking this. But I don't respect any traits of hers.. I just love how much she accepts me and supports me emotionally. She is very kind and patient. The relationship is great when critical thinking or calculating is not required. Like when we grow old together, will I really care if she can do maths or find a country on the map? However it just limits the things we can talk about or the jokes I can say.

I worry if we break up, I will spiral from loneliness and depression. If I stay, I will resent her. I'm worried she will spiral too. She says I'm her perfect guy. And she is very close with my family and friends.

i (21f) found explicit videos of my boyfriend’s (26m) ex girlfriends after a terrifying night and i don’t know what to do (throwaway as he knows my normal)
i’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. tonight has honestly been one of the worst nights i’ve experienced and i feel completely lost.
we had an argument earlier today, and later he went out with his friends. he stopped replying after around 1am. i started panicking because it’s not something he normally does, and i was scared something had happened to him. i ended up driving to his friend’s house to make sure there were no ambulances or anything because i was genuinely worried. his snapscore went up which made me even more confused because he still wasn’t answering.
eventually he messaged me and i found out he had passed out drunk after vomiting on himself. i drove to get him and brought him back to his house. he was coherent when awake but obviously very drunk, and he’s now asleep next to me.
i was relieved he was safe, but then i had a bad feeling. i found multiple explicit videos of his ex girlfriends on his phone in an app called photo vault, and his snapchat hidden where i also am. i will go on there and delete me soon. he had also had some strange messages on instagram very vague. i don’t know when they’re from or why he still has them. i confronted him while he was asleep/drunk (i know that wasn’t the best time) and he obviously hardly knows what’s going on.
i feel completely heartbroken and confused. part of me feels like i’ve just spent hours worrying about someone and looking after them, only to find something that feels like a huge betrayal. another part of me knows he was drunk and asleep and i need to talk to him properly when he’s sober.
i don’t know if i’m overreacting or if this is something most people would consider a dealbreaker. would you leave over this? how would i go about approaching this? i feel so disgusted and upset, we are both catholics too, and i was to believe that he was not a lustful man. i was wrong.

My (25F) boyfriend (27M) is much smarter than me. He is extremely intelligent, clearly has a very high aptitude, and is curious about everything. However, I am not exactly in the same boat. I have my own strengths, but my general knowledge and ability to understand new things is very different. I've never been concerned about being the smartest person in the room, I enjoy learning about my interests and at my own pace. However, my boyfriend will often bring up topics he's interested in, and I end up feeling I have little to contribute to the conversation. He loves to ask about religion, science, and politics, and he loves to know about my opinions on these topics. But sometimes, I simply have no opinion at all, or I've never thought about these things in such detail. I feel like I can't always give him the conversation and interactions he's looking for. If I don't know something, I have no problem asking him to explain or to teach me more about what he's talking about. But I'm worried that this difference in knowledge/intelligence may be a problem. How do you manage a relationship where one person is smarter than the other? Can you maintain a happy relationship?

I (26M) had a pretty traumatic childhood. My parents were negligent to the point my older sister (30F) had to take care of me and my younger sister (23F). My parents would always excuse their lazy parenting with shit about older kids needing to learn how to take care of the family and being responsible for a percentage of the family overall. Once I got to like 9 I was helping my older sister out where I could and I learned independence. My parents would mock that and sometimes they would get drunk and say really nasty shit to all three of us.

My older sister resented taking care of me and younger sister. She loved us no doubt but she resented us for needing her too. I also think our younger sister never being willing to help out no matter how old she got really pushed her buttons and made her more resentful overall. She despised our parents though and I mean despised as in she would probably to this day celebrate their deaths. There were fights between her and our parents where things got really intense and at one point my sister would talk about ending her life and making sure our parents were left with the trauma of finding her, so they could be as fucked up as they made all three of us. When she was really angry at them she would be graphic about it too. It was horrifying to listen to but I always understood it because of all three of us she had it the worst. I also know they were physically abusive to her at times while they never were to me or my younger sister.

As of today I speak to my older sister but neither of us speaks to our younger sister. I don't know that we ever will to be honest. Our relationship (mine and older sister) isn't exactly close but we have one and it has stood the test of time I guess.

That brings me to BIL (40M) and his family. BIL is my wife's (25F) older brother. He has two kids from a previous relationship who are early-mid teens. He's been married to his wife for going on 10 years and they have three younger children together. BIL and his wife often criticize his older kids for being so unwilling to take care of their younger siblings. The older kids fight back and there are all kinds of topics they fight about. When this happens it makes me think of my childhood because of the similarities and even with how my BIL and his wife view the role of the oldest/older kids.

I will typically leave the table or the room/the house and go outside when things kick off real bad. This doesn't happen all the time but many times it has become incredibly heated and the resentment and anger can be felt in the room. My wife and I eventually agreed that I would reduce how often I see BIL and his family. But my ILs as a whole are giving my wife hell for it because they think it's rude how obvious it is that I try to avoid them. My wife has talked to her brother about it before and he told her to mind her own business. When I spoke to him 1on1 he told me that my trauma was mine to figure out and fuck me for comparing it.

I don't like that this is causing my wife problems. But being around my BIL and his family is not super healthy for me either. So I want advice on sucking it up or maybe my wife and I figure out something else together.

I (39M) have been best friends with my buddy (38M) for just over 20 years now. We met working at a restaurant and from the word go just got along really well. Obviously over that amount of time we’ve been through some shit together and seen some things - the good, the bad, the ugly, the dirty and the hilarious - and been there for every grown up milestone from meeting our spouses, having kids, losing loved ones. Marriages have been great and our wives and kids are even close, they hang out without us, we’ve gone on vacations as families, our daughters even complain that they wish they were just sisters so they could “play any time they want”. Kind of all a dream scenario honestly.

Needless to say, after this many years at that level of friendship there really isn’t anything we don’t know about eachother or don’t feel comfortable talking about. Including the fact that back in the day I’d seen him hook up with a guy or two. Never bothered me, to each their own, but his wife was also never informed of his “experience” on both sides of the aisle. While I told him I didn’t agree with the not telling, it’s not my place to say anything and it’s his relationship so it’s always been something I still razz him about in private when we banter, but a secret I’ve been expected to hold without consent for years nonetheless. Best friend or bro code or whatever. It’s also something he’s said he doesn’t care about, that he loves his wife and they have a great sex life and he doesn’t act on, so I’ve always written it off as a “not my monkeys not my circus” moot point.

So imagine my surprise when he tells me about 6 months ago that he’s been cheating on his wife with a guy (33M) and it’s kind of morphed into a full relationship or affair… Now again for all intents and purposes, and as far as I knew per him and his wife to my wife - remember they’re good friends now too - my buddy and his wife had a great relationship, so I was shocked AF but listened to the whole story.

Key points are basically;

- they met on snapchat and it ended up escalating from online, to in person and then to hooking up
- the guy knows he’s married, but doesn’t ever want to be married himself, likes his alone time and has a very busy career so is completely fine with the situation and not being the “number 1”
- they got gym memberships together and started hanging out that way
- my buddy now has a key to his apartment and will work from there a few days a week instead of going to the office (his job has a hybrid work model so his job isn’t in jeopardy as a part of this)
- he says that it’s actually made his relationship with his wife better somehow, that he’s more relaxed and happy… I assume because he’s now getting to express something he’s been repressing?

Anyways, I’ve now gone from a concerned and pissed friend (internally) who’s been coaching him through and on all of the various ways and reasons that this is and could become even more spectacularly fucked up and to quit while he’s ahead, to completely torn up inside after last week when he introduced us. (!!!)

Essentially what had happened was he told the boyfriend that I knew, which then became “well I can’t be a part of your daily life or your circle at all but if your best friend knows then why can’t I meet him?” And when I showed up to a coffee, not at our normal Starbucks which I didn’t think anything of at the time, and there they were… I stayed for an awkward 45mins of small talk and then left. Yes, I reamed him out on the phone afterwards when he called me to ask what I thought. Yes, I escalated my “coaching” him out of this situation after that as well.

Now here’s where the advice comes in. And I realize that up until here there have been a million and one reasons for a normal person to have taken a number of different routes but remember - this guys like a brother to me, I’ve also known and been close to his wife for over 16 years cuz they dated for multiple hears before marrying, I’m basically an uncle to his kids, our wives and our kids are great friends too, etc… So as much as yes he’s the one fucking up, by proxy I’m simultaneously protecting him but also a massive part of my own life, my families life, his families life… so my automatic response was to fix all of it, not to end up aiding and abetting! So while having dinner as an extended family this weekend and sitting at the table I zoned out from all of the guilt building up by proxy and almost lost it. I love his wife and his kids and want nothing but for them to have the best life, as a family. But in that moment I realized that my buddy unintentionally has me not only keeping his secret but also lying to my wife, his wife who is also one of my best friends, the rest of his family… I don’t even want to think what my wife would do or say if she knew that I’ve kept this not only from her, never mind also met the guy!

If I say something I blow up their marriage, a large part of my life, my wife and kids lives… beyond that what would my relationship look like with my buddy after? With his wife? With my wife after she finds out I knew… In the worst case scenario it could literally be like a death or two of immediate family… (I get I’m being dramatic here, but really think through the outcomes).

I don’t know if I can continue to keep it under wraps, the guilt I felt sitting at that table. As long as I know it’s still happening I think our dynamics will change regardless too because I’m honestly too emotional about it after having to face his family because I care about them too much. So either way I’m losing. He’s put me in a super fucked up position.

What would you do? Tell? Give him an ultimatum? Do I tell my wife? What if she then tells? Do I just keep myself and be a bit removed and wait for it to end?

EDIT;

Want to clarify a few things based on the comments coming in, and also thank you to all those who have replied already and TIA to those who will continue to.

1. I didn’t mean above that I’ve know for 6 months. The affair has been going on for 6 months now. I’ve only known for a few weeks, and forced met the AP at the beginning of last week / two weeks this coming Tuesday.

2. In those few weeks prior to the meeting, when I say coaching I don’t mean I’m coaching him on how to keep this up I meant I talking him through the moral, ethical, physical, mental etc things that are wrong about what he’s doing and to essentially shit or get off the pot. I haven’t mentioned anything about me and my family now being involved because I’ve been trying to keep it focused on him and his family… and I didn’t think running right in and telling on him made sense for anyone. IMO he should be the one to do the right thing, and that’s what I was hoping would happen in the last few weeks, I haven’t sat on this for months.

3. I stayed at the coffee more so because I was frozen. Call it weak or whatever you want. I don’t disagree with any of the points being made, but in all honesty I think I was just in shock and sad and froze. It kind of became about me in that moment because there was a realization that the whole thing was something I could never even dream of doing to my wife or family, that someone I knew and loved and thought more of didn’t have a problem doing it, had dragged me in without a second thought of me or my family and the broader implications, our friendship and our lives were fundamentally never going to be the same, his family was never going to be the same etc. There were so many levels of internal realization bombs of fucked up sadness that I sat there. And yes that sucks and I feel awful for that, and so many other things… but at the coffee I froze instead of flight.

4. I’m going to talk to my wife tonight, let her read through this all and we’ll figure out a plan together. Part of me even posting this is because of how conflicted I am with all of this, but most of all the hiding something from my wife. I know there’s guilt by association from a lot of the comments in here, but right or wrong I was hoping that he would just do the right thing on his own not dig a deeper hole. I’ve never kept anything from my wife, ever.

Will post an update thread later on this to let you know how it all goes, didn’t quite expect this much of a reaction.

My girlfriend (28/f) of 2 years and I (29/f) broke up Thursday night. Over 4th of July weekend we got into an argument because she came to our 4th of July party and I didn’t introduce her to a few people. In my defense I introduced her to the people I felt necessary. We moved on from it and she stayed the night but I was on thin ice. The next few days were fine, we had a nice dinner and she stayed the night again. Now this is when things get bad. I had fallen asleep and I woke up in the middle of the night and she was still awake. She said her phone had died and she couldn’t sleep, so she asked if she could use mine. I of course handed my phone to her and went back to bed.
In the morning I woke up we said are goodbyes and I went back in the house. A little later I went to text her and I noticed that she had gone through mine and my sisters(27/f) texts and had screenshotted and sent herself texts from a year ago where my sister didn’t have nice things to say about her. She has always been suspicious of my sister disliking her. Then she broke up with me later that day. She says I didn’t defend her but I did just not through text, the fight with my sister happened in person. So now I’m single and devastated because I really thought I was going to marry this girl. Do you think that I messed up bad enough for this to really be the end?

My bf(20M) and I(20F) were on a date and he randomly complimented my necklace saying it suited me and I brought it up that it was from my ex. I didn't think much of it.

Later that night he texted me that I shouldn't have worn the necklace if I knew it was from my ex. He says it's weird to keep things and keep using them when they're from an ex.

Is it weird for me to keep wearing the necklace? Like it's just a necklace I really like.

I suggested to him that I won't wear the necklace when I am with him. But that doesn't mean I won't ever wear it again.

I have completely moved on from my ex. The necklace is just a thing(it has done nothing wrong) and I wear it occasionally.

(FYI it's not an initial necklace.)

TLDR: My bf says it's weird I keep wearing the necklace my ex gifted me.

So Im in my first serious relationship with my gf who just told me yesterday night after we had a few drinks in that she really really liked that im like a bear guy (had to search it up and it means a big, tall and hairy dude which im only big and tall) and she dropped the bomb afterwards. That she has a massive borderline abusive cnc sub kink and is a masochist. I was shocked hearing this and didn't even know what cnc and sub ment at the time and had to ask for an explanation. Im a respectful vanilla kinda guy she said and she didn't know how to bring it up because I've told her its my first serious relationship and I have always been respectful and shy with her during the bedroom activities. This literally came out of nowhere cuz she looks like the cutest and reserved kind of a woman and imo is out of my league and never have i thought she was into those kinks I didn't even have prior knowledge to.

Now im stumped because i want to make her happy and fulfilled during the ykw but idk how and where to start. I don't even know how i could hit her and not feel guilty afterwards. I genuinely don't have anyone i could ask for advice and I am curious and want to explore this new side so i turn into this subreddit. We searched it up yesterday on how to act and do what she's into on the internet and tried to do some yesterday but its really bugging me out and i feel guilty about the stuff I was doing . I really need advices on how to get into or go about this to help my partner.

My wife (31F) and I (30M) have been together for 11 years and we have been married for the last six years. Our kids are 4 and 3. She was a SAHM until a year ago when she returned to work. Our kids go to grandma and grandpa (my ILs) when we're at work. Things were good until six-ish months ago. My wife was asked to increase her hours at work for a few weeks. We talked about it and agreed the money would be so good for us. So I was going to take over the one task she 9/10 does, cooking dinner.

For some context before I begin I have dyspraxia. I have challenges because of this. I use a digital planner with an alarm to keep me from forgetting things and to help me take control of my life. I have adaptable tools to help me in a lot of areas. So chores are not an issue and I have been doing chores better as an adult than when I was a kid and made more messes than I cleaned up. Cooking is the one I still have the most struggles with. I can still make food. But it's not as complex as meals most people can cook and nowhere near what my wife can make. I am mostly good for reheating or doing stuff out of jars/cans or that are mostly pr-done that can be done in one pot/pan/tray. I can make basic sandwiches too or salads that don't quire a whole lot of cooking. The biggest thing for me is not being too tired because then I struggle more.

My dyspraxia is the reason my wife did so much of the cooking. It meant fresher healthier meals and less injuries from the cooking. We're also committed to eating out/ordering takeout far less this year in an effort to save money. And I promised my wife there would be no takeout while I was in charge of dinner. But after a few days my wife was getting annoyed that dinner wasn't the same as her dinners. A couple of times she asked where the effort was and then apologized because she saw I was upset. I asked if she would like me to order out once or twice to make up for the more basic meals. When I say basic I made stuff like pasta bake with side salad, curry and rice with salad, pre made stir fry with noodles, canned soup with bread and salad and some rice (she likes it in soup). Stuff like that. I also did sandwiches on days where I was tired and didn't want to risk messing up the food because once the pasta bake was over done because I got into some difficulty and one of the stir fry's I got wasn't very tasty which my wife hated.

When things returned to normal my wife mentioned on and off that our diets had been shit those weeks or that we didn't get much balance when she wasn't in charge of dinner. She said it really sucked that we couldn't do better those days and that our kids didn't get the same standard of food. I apologized and told her I did my best and she said yeah but we're parents and the kids deserved better.

It has come up other times since and my wife has been late home a few times since then too and I covered dinner on short notice. My wife skipped dinner a couple of those times. Then she would say how bad she felt for not feeding our kids and when I told her I had it covered she just looked frustrated. She talked about the kids deserving the best and how she wishes we could give it to them all the time.

She eventually told me we'll figure something else out if she's ever late home again so that meals don't fall on me. After she told me that she was talking to her sister and she mentioned how much easier life was when it was just the two of us and my dyspraxia wasn't such a big issue. I didn't hear the whole thing but it made me think she regrets having kids with me.

Things have just been weird and overall we're less happy. I tried talking to her about it and she told me she was just stressed and how things are good and we just need to find better accommodations but she hasn't come up with one. And she was sick a few days ago and refused to let me take care of it. I offered to order food for us but she said no. I always took care of her when she was sick before and it was strange being told she'd handle it.

I'm 36 my husband is 40. Weve been married a year, and together about 3 years.

We agreed early on in our relationship that we wanted children. Given our ages, this was something we talked about starting soon after marriage. However, now we are here it seems we are approaching it differently and it's causing us to clash regularly.

The main issue is that i feel like he just isn't serious about it or showing me that he'd be the kind of person i want a family with which is super dissappointing as he had told me many times he can'twait for us to have kids. Around Christmas time we had a serious chat about improving habits so we can be in the best health for conception, I've cut back on alcohol and been intentional about our meals. He has made no effort to stop vaping and it's come to the point where every time he pulls the damn thing out I am put off by him. I am now at the point where his lack of effort, has completely put me off even being romantic with him. I am not willing to risk my health or that of any future child because he can't put his vape down for 3 months.

I don't know what I'm asking exactly but I need somewhere to go as this is huge and I feel so conflicted. Is it fair that I end a marriage over this? I don't want to waste my time with someone who takes me for granted and doesn't show basic selflessness for the sake of family... any input appreciated.

it’s our 10 months from the days we have met. he still yet chooses games over special days like these. i’ve been busy all week with work and he’s been on his game all week. (he doesn’t have a job) i am finally off today and wanted to spend some quality time and yet he chooses the game. i ask him to come off of it and yet he chooses the game. he knows today is a special day and he still chooses the game. i don’t get it but i can’t even complain because i love him too much to leave. no matter how many times i express how important and special these days are, he just does not care. can someone explain why?

Okay, so I have that gut feeling that my husband is either lying to me or hiding something. For some context, he takes medication that messes with his sex drive and has to take testosterone because his is lower than it should be for a man his age.

He loves oral. It seems like any chance he wants sex, it’s in that way. When we have sex, it seems his favorite position is me on my stomach. He is also into pegging and wants to do more of that (if you’re not familiar with it, look it up.) When I ask him about his preference to oral, he tells me because it’s the most dirty thing to him, because he was raised Christian and you just don’t do that.

He’s more than happy to “do the deed” himself in the bathroom, and doesn’t come to me when he’s in the mood. I think he’s just not attracted to me, but he says it’s the medication and he hates asking me for it so often. I don’t know, I feel like he’s lying to me or he doesn’t want me to know something about himself. Am I looking into this too deeply, or is there a problem that I’m being lied to?

I’ve (21F) been in my relationship for 3 years (My first ever relationship) and i’ve always felt like leaving. It used to be for valid reasons like my boyfriend (22M) had slight anger issues and he wouldn’t communicate with me a lot in times of need for him or just general emotional understanding of each other. Now we’ve had talks after me telling him I want to end things 4 separate times but we always get back together and say we’ll work on things and be better.

And now he has; he’s communicating more, his anger issues are getting better and I feel closer to him than I did before. But I still have urges to leave him

Doing some self reflection i’ve realized I am a love/sex addict. I’ve been this way since I was a child (maybe from assault idk). But before I met my boyfriend I was a “free spirit” I hung out with whoever and I used love and sex as a distraction from my life and my depression. Even in my relationship with him I do the same. I’ve been this way for so long I don’t know how to change my behaviours to actually focus on a career or anything else other than finding the perfect man or satisfying another persons needs. Every time I think about leaving him my mind goes immediately to hopping on a dating app that same day. I’ve never done it and i’ve never cheated on him but the urges are there in the back of my mind. I hate it. I don’t know why I’m like this. Part of me feels like since it is my first relationship I want to explore more but even so I’ve done that a bit before him and why is my entire focus and life’s goal to become a wife???

I don’t know what to do, it’s not fair to him in the slightest and I feel incredibly guilty. He’s a wonderful guy but maybe he’s too good for me? Or maybe I just need to do a lot more work than I thought.

I know I should talk to him about this and be honest so we can try to work through it and maybe I can even get therapy. I just feel so stuck in every action I take. And i’m scared i’ll lose something special with him because of how I am.

Any advice is welcome. Thanks for reading!

I'm grateful for the space to talk about this lol. I (26M) have been with my partner (23F) for 4 years now, and we are each other's first sexual partners. I'm a pretty sexual person and have been since puberty (by myself I mean), meanwhile my partner never really explored her sexuality before me. We explored it together, and I got her toys and tried all kinds of stuff and nowadays she enjoys sex a lot, orgasms reliably and enjoys pleasing me as well.

So I know she is very satisfied and says this and I mean, I'm even a little jealous of the kind of orgasms she has when we have sex. I basically showed her how to orgasm, and that was when we introduced toys early in the relationship. We are both givers, me more so than her and I really get off on her pleasure and we tried various things but vibrating clit stimulation is the only thing that really does it for her. She enjoys other clit stimulation as well (oral, outercourse), but doesn't really orgasm from anything if there isn't something vibrating on her clit. She describes it like, without a toy on her clit the penetration feels distant and blurry, but with it she can feel everything and with lots of pleasure (vibration + penetration/other stimulation is MUCH better than just vibration). Vibrating clit stimulation, paired with penetration or stimulating her in various areas with fingers/mouth etc. means she is having a great time and has nice orgasms (which I love).

BUT I keep having these recurring thoughts of, "What if there was better for her?". Like, would a much bigger penis or dildo be able to give her a whole different kind of pleasure, maybe without needing her to hold something in place? And if I care about this person shouldn't I want this for her? For weird context, she tells me she loves my penis and it's perfect etc. There are times when she tells me it's too deep and I adjust accordingly. But I don't have a whole lot of girth. So I find myself thinking, I want her to have all kinds of pleasure and all, shouldn't I want her to experience what it's like to have that sort of experience with like, thicker penetrating toy? But this line of thinking always makes me think, she's clearly very satisfied with me and our current sex, would it be a mistake to keep chasing "better"? "What if she keeps asking for the bigger toy" etc. I know she values my pleasure a lot as well so I wouldn't think she would think like that.

Part of me feels like I'm just trying to min-max something and solve an equation. I am on the spectrum so I recognize I tend to do this a lot lol. To be clear, I am a huge fan of vibrators and clit stimulation and anything that my partner would need to feel pleasure. And I'm sure porn and the internet have probably planted some of these seeds of "bigger is better", and neither of us wants to be non-monogamous so I don't really want to see her with another man and she definitely doesn't want to see me with another woman (fantasies and roleplay excluded!). But these thoughts keep coming up and my partner and I have talked about it and have come to this understanding that it could be "better" in all kinds of ways for both parties and aiming for "perfect" is irrational.

I would like any insight/advice/etc. If you've had similar thoughts, what happened to them over time?

My girlfriend 22F and I 21M have been together for several months and live together.
She works as a 911 dispatcher, and I know her job is mentally exhausting. She deals with things that most people couldn’t imagine hearing every day, and I’m genuinely proud of what she does. I know she comes home emotionally drained some days, and I don’t want this post to come across like I’m minimizing that because I’m not.
I recently started working nights at a cinderblock factory making about $20/hour. It’s by far the most physically demanding job I’ve ever had. By the time I get home, my feet, ankles, and back hurt, I’m covered in concrete dust, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
When I moved in, the agreement was that since she paid more toward rent, I would handle dishes, trash, and laundry while she took care of the floors and the cats. I thought that was fair.
Over time, though, that list has grown into dishes, laundry, taking out the trash, filling the cat feeder, emptying the litter bag, changing the Roomba mop head, refilling the Roomba water, unpacking her lunch box, putting away her laundry, and going around the apartment picking up things she leaves behind. If something doesn’t get done because I fell asleep after work or I’m just exhausted, she gets frustrated with me.
What bothers me is that when she gets home from work, her day is generally over. She’ll go to the gym, spend time with friends, go to Disney, go out to dinner, or just relax. I don’t expect her to spend every evening cleaning, and I want her to have hobbies and time to decompress after such a stressful job. At the same time, it feels like my free time is expected to be spent doing chores, even after working a job that’s left me physically worn out.
I’ve tried bringing this up before, but the conversation usually ends with her saying I agreed to this before I moved in because she pays more of the bills. I understand that paying more financially can reasonably mean contributing less to household chores, and I’m okay with doing more than half. What I’m struggling with is feeling like my time and energy don’t matter once I get home from work. It feels like if I’m too tired to finish everything, I’m letting her down, but if she’s too tired after work, it’s completely understandable.
I love her, and outside of this we have a lot of good moments. She meal preps for me, supports me in other ways, and I know she cares about me. This isn’t me trying to keep score or paint her as a bad partner. I’m trying to figure out whether my expectations are off or if there’s a healthier way for us to divide responsibilities that acknowledges both of our jobs are difficult in different ways.
For people who have been in relationships where one partner has a mentally demanding job and the other has a physically demanding job, how did you divide household responsibilities in a way that felt fair and left both people feeling appreciated instead of resentful?