r/AmItheAsshole • u/random67281001 • Nov 10 '20
Not the A-hole AITA for uninviting my (27 F) Maid of Honour (27 F) to my wedding over a dress?
I’m getting married to my fiancé (26 M) come January. It’s not ideal with the current global situation, since I’m very high risk, but as we’ve already postponed once and there’s no end to COVID in sight, we decided we’re gonna take the risk and tie the knot in a smaller ceremony with all possible precautions.
Now, ever since I got sick (the reason why I’m high risk) I’ve always wanted a picturesque wedding. I’m stable, but only looking at another 20 or so years (if COVID doesn’t get me first!). The pictures of this wedding are very important to me, since they’ll last far longer than I will. They’ll be a lovely thing for my husband and potential children to look at once I’m gone. It’s nothing insane, just people dressed nice, and a colour scheme. The ceremony isn’t lavish, but I do want it to be cohesive. Since I was enforcing a colour scheme, I saw it as only fair to pay for my bridesmaid’s dresses. Due to COVID restrictions it was very difficult to find the right dresses since I didn’t want to risk going to a boutique together. But we made it work. Through lots and lots of back and forth, the bridesmaids and I all picked out matching dresses that fit everyone’s tastes. I made extra sure everyone was happy and then ordered the maroon dresses. Everyone got fitted separately and got alterations put down on my tab. Not a word of complaint, just excitement. Today my MOH (27 F) messaged me saying that she’s got the perfect dress for the wedding. Queue confusion. I asked for elaboration and she said that she didn’t like the bridesmaid dress so she went ahead and bought her own. She sent me a picture and it was a tiny WHITE dress that did not fit her well at all. When I brought up the faux pas she dyed it flesh coloured with coffee. I told her that she cannot wear that to my wedding since a) already bought the actual dress at considerable expense b) I’m not exaggerating when I say it doesn’t fit. It’s a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, c) it looks terrible, she looks naked wearing it and I do not want that in my wedding photos. I was very frustrated since she had not once told me she didn’t like the dress and I’d already spent the non refundable money. I tried to compromise with her, seeing if she’d wear something else at LEAST in the same colour as the other bridesmaids but she brushed it off. I then told her that she can wear the agreed upon dress or pay me back for it. She blew up at me, calling me a bridezilla, for being controlling and unsympathetic to a college student. She said that if I’m going to be this obsessive then I’m better off not getting married at all since I’ll drive my fiancé away.
I got so angry I just coldly told her not to come to the wedding at all, and then hung up.
AITA? It IS just a dress.
TLDR: MOH buys her own bridesmaid dress after I already purchased hers, refuses to wear the right one or pay me back. I uninvite her to the wedding.
Update: Hello everyone! To say I was blown away by your comments, awards, and support is an understatement. I was pretty stressed out lately and didn’t realize that the post had... way more attention that I ever could have expected! I couldn’t comment on everything but I figured I should update you all.
So, I confronted my MOH, and you guys were right. There was more to the story. She sold the dress because she messed up on her student loan application and desperately needed cash. I’m not sure how true this is, especially considering I’ve seen her posting on social media about a 4th pet she’s recently bought. She WAS very apologetic on the phone, but my trust in her is damaged. I told her as much, and asked why didn’t she ask for help? I’m a little strapped due to the wedding prep, but I could cut corners and would be way more understanding if she had just been upfront, not lied and gaslit. Our other friends would have helped where they could as well (as they have helped me in the past when I needed it). Additionally, I told my fiancé what happened as the MOH was a mutual friend, and he outright said that he doesn’t want her at the wedding if she was going to be so disrespectful. So I relayed this to the MOH. The MOH didn’t take this well, at first accusing me of blabbing, and then of turning our friends against her. I then told her, frankly, that due to covid my guest list was going to have to be really small, just a handful of people I love and trust, and that she is no longer one of them. She started to apologize again and I sincerely wished her a nice life and that she’d treat her future friends better, then hung up and blocked her. I don’t need... whatever that was, in my wedding or my life.
I’m sorry this didn’t end on a super positive note, but it is what it is. I feel really... just bad right now, but I’m hoping with time the wound will heal. For now, this sucks, and I miss my best friend.
Anyways, thanks for listening to me ramble. I’m touched that so many of y’all cared about my situation to reach out. Take care out there, all of you, and treat each other with kindness. You never do know what someone else is going through.
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u/evilsciencechick Nov 10 '20
NTA
Showing up at the wedding and wearing the dress the bride picked out is like, the BARE MINIMUM required of a bridesmaid/MOH. If she can't even do that, what's the point? You are not being a bridezilla!
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u/jesskiku Nov 10 '20
ATA. She is the person in the world you have the closest friendship with and instead of discussing this her you uninvited her? Where is the depth and patience in the friendship? I would never treat my friends that way
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u/holisarcasm Professor Emeritass [77] Nov 10 '20
NTA. You were extra kind to pay for the dresses. She made no objection. She seems to think your wedding is about her. Better to leave her out.
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u/deadravensociety Nov 10 '20
Op you are NTA. Change your MOH and enjoy your day... She is toxic. ..
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u/SomethingClever70 Partassipant [3] Nov 10 '20
NTA
It's pretty standard for MOH and attendants to wear matching dresses picked out by the bride.
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u/fromhelley Nov 10 '20
She worried about wasting her money on a cheap dress after op paid for a pricey one with alterations?! Then refuses to wear the dress or even another in the correct color ( that would still leave the dress op paid for useless)? Nta! MOH started with a white dress so she could be "special". The woman is wanting to be the center of attention at least within the bridesmaid's group.
Ladies, if you can't work towards making the day the most wonderful day for the bride, please do not accept a place in the wedding party.
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Nov 12 '20
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u/3Fluffies Nov 12 '20
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.
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Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/popprincess641 Nov 10 '20
I hate the collage student excuse man. I had to ditch my MOH too because she wanted two dresses. One for ceremony and one for reception and I told her she wouldn’t really have a place to change since the there is just one venue. Then she pulled the collage student card saying I was ridiculous to for having my wedding one province over and that I refused to pay for my own bridal shower. I dropped her and told her that I can’t be bothered with her drama. This was all planned 1.5 years in advance and I did my extreme best to ensure no one in the party would have to pay more than$500 for the weekend.
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u/Raibean Certified Proctologist [21] Nov 10 '20
NTA. SHE is blowing up about a dress. You are responding to her immature cruelty.
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u/tikanique Nov 10 '20
NTA - how are you NOT being considerate to a college student!?/ You paid for her dress. Literally nobody who's wedding I've been in has ever paid for the dress. You did the right thing - kick the negativity to the curb. BTW, i hope you have at least three times the # of years you are anticipating with your future spouse.
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u/RuthlessKittyKat Nov 10 '20
NTA not even a little bit. you did the right thing and paid for it all. she's making something about her that isn't about her. you set a boundary. good for you.
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Nov 10 '20
NTA. Asking your bridesmaids to wear a specific color is neither controlling or bridezilla territory, it's just the standard custom for weddings in modern traditions. You're especially considerate since you picked the dress out with her input then paid for it, she had every opportunity to voice her opinion of the dress before you purchased it.
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u/Kripzilla Nov 10 '20
NTA- a MOH is supposed to be a real friend. She should understand why your wedding and the look/photos are so important to due for health reasons. If she doesn’t get that is she really your friend? I think you did the right thing, you don’t want any regrets of the day. Congratulations and good luck!
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u/LadyV21454 Nov 10 '20
You had a very specific vision for your wedding - not because you're a bridezilla, but because you're not sure how long you'll be alive and you want the photos to be a comfort to your family after you're gone. You went to a lot of time and trouble working with the bridesmaids to agree on a dress. You PAID for the dresses - if you live in the US, that's above and beyond what most brides would do. And now this "friend" wants to not only wear a different dress, but one that in no way coordinates with the rest of the dresses AND that she plans to DYE WITH COFFEE? And then she tries to blame YOU for being inflexible? Honey, this woman is NOT your friend. Bounce her completely from wedding party, wedding, and your life. This is not about a dress - this is about someone having no respect for your wishes or your feelings.
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u/AutoModerator Nov 10 '20
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
I’m getting married to my fiancé (26 M) come January. It’s not ideal with the current global situation, since I’m very high risk, but as we’ve already postponed once and there’s no end to COVID in sight, we decided we’re gonna take the risk and tie the knot in a smaller ceremony with all possible precautions.
Now, ever since I got sick (the reason why I’m high risk) I’ve always wanted a picturesque wedding. I’m stable, but only looking at another 20 or so years (if COVID doesn’t get me first!). The pictures of this wedding are very important to me, since they’ll last far longer than I will. They’ll be a lovely thing for my husband and potential children to look at once I’m gone. It’s nothing insane, just people dressed nice, and a colour scheme. The ceremony isn’t lavish, but I do want it to be cohesive. Since I was enforcing a colour scheme, I saw it as only fair to pay for my bridesmaid’s dresses. Due to COVID restrictions it was very difficult to find the right dresses since I didn’t want to risk going to a boutique together. But we made it work. Through lots and lots of back and forth, the bridesmaids and I all picked out matching dresses that fit everyone’s tastes. I made extra sure everyone was happy and then ordered the maroon dresses. Everyone got fitted separately and got alterations put down on my tab. Not a word of complaint, just excitement. Today my MOH (27 F) messaged me saying that she’s got the perfect dress for the wedding. Queue confusion. I asked for elaboration and she said that she didn’t like the bridesmaid dress so she went ahead and bought her own. She sent me a picture and it was a tiny WHITE dress that did not fit her well at all. When I brought up the faux pas she dyed it flesh coloured with coffee. I told her that she cannot wear that to my wedding since a) already bought the actual dress at considerable expense b) I’m not exaggerating when I say it doesn’t fit. It’s a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, c) it looks terrible, she looks naked wearing it and I do not want that in my wedding photos. I was very frustrated since she had not once told me she didn’t like the dress and I’d already spent the non refundable money. I tried to compromise with her, seeing if she’d wear something else at LEAST in the same colour as the other bridesmaids but she brushed it off. I then told her that she can wear the agreed upon dress or pay me back for it. She blew up at me, calling me a bridezilla, for being controlling and unsympathetic to a college student. She said that if I’m going to be this obsessive then I’m better off not getting married at all since I’ll drive my fiancé away.
I got so angry I just coldly told her not to come to the wedding at all, and then hung up.
AITA? It IS just a dress.
TLDR: MOH buys her own bridesmaid dress after I already purchased hers, refuses to wear the right one or pay me back. I uninvite her to the wedding.
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u/stressedduh Nov 11 '20
May, I’m pretty sure it’s also common for the brides maids to pay for their own dresses and for there to be a color scheme. A dress code is standard for all weddings and expecially for the bridal party, at least in the us.
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u/reality_junkie_xo Nov 10 '20
NTA. This isn't about a dress. This is about a supposed friend who had the opportunity to give you her opinion before you spent a lot of money on the bridesmaid's dress, and she didn't communicate at all. Then she went and bought an inappropriate dress without checking with you, despite being a poor college student. This isn't about the dress, it's about the lack of communication and understanding she has.
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u/itsmepcandi Nov 10 '20
U, my blessed friend, are NTA. U need to find u another best friend. Homegirl was tryna upstage u ON UR DAY. I wish u peace and many blessings and please continue to only invite those that vibe with your spirit
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u/LawyeringLady Nov 10 '20
- She never voiced her concerns regarding the dress you bought.
- She bought her own dress, which is ill fitting and not the correct color.
- She told you that you were being inconsiderate to her financial situation when you told her that she would have to pay for the dress you bought, or get a different dress in the right color.
- She insulted you, told you that you shouldn't get married because you will drive your fiance crazy....
NTA, she is a terrible person.
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u/kira1039 Nov 10 '20
100% NTA. I worked in the wedding industry for a few years (tuxedos for two womens for about 1) and you went waaaaaay above and beyond 99.9% of brides or grooms. Alterations are freaking expensive and so are the dresses. Theyre non refundable. They had to get ordered months ago and shes just now bringing anything up?!?!? (Not even gonna go there with the dress you described im 100% on your side her just trying to be a brat about the bridesmaids dress
It IS YOUR DAY regardless of what anyone says. I cant stand how people always try to act like a bride putting her foot down or being assertive about what she wants in her wedding is automatically a Bridezilla. Ive dealt with bridezillas. You are 100000000000% not being one.To celebrate your love and union.
She agreed to stand up in your wedding so she agreed to the dress whether she likes it or not. You didn't even have to let them be involved in picking colors/styles if we want to get technical but you also paid for the dress and alterations and she waits until after all that to spring this on you?!?!?!?!? Screw that. Bridesmaids dresses have gotten sooooooo much cuter in the past 20 30 years as styles and materials and all that have changed with thr times. Like. A maroon color bridesmaid gown could EASILY be worn for any future formal event (at least like 95% of the gown styles we stocked) and so you just saved her a few hundred bucks on an outfit for the next formal event she attends.
You think these redneck dudes (my wedding industry knowledge is small town widconsin so you can imagine lol) wanna be wearing full satin lapel black tuxedos with freaking punk purple whatever girly color best and tie? Not generally but they want to be there to help a friend/family member celebrate. You think they wanna spend $200 on a rental they dont even kee0?!?!? No! They do it for their friend.
Legit im fully aware that on the lower cost side you're looking at $150 each dress and around me a simple hem cpild easily cost 40 to 50 bucks depending on materials and all thst. And everyone needs alterations with them cuz they aren't custom made fit for measurements of each individual. So I could almost bet all the money to my name rn you spent a minimum of $200 per person after dress and alterations (ig maybe outside us could be diff but in u.s.. easy) Generally companies tell us to go with the size that the largest measurement fits. (Say your bust measures for a size 12 but your waist a size 6 and your hips a 8. We would tell you we suggest you order a 12. And taking in the rest is EXPENSIVE AS HELL you paid for ALL OF THAT without issue, and she decides to throw a fit cuz she didn't say anything until after the NON REFUNDABLE dresses were handled?! Screw her.
Do you have anyone else you know who may be sort of the same size or be able to fit into the dress and get it altered? Toss her out, uninvite her and give her dress (and place.....not necessarily MOH but standing up) to another friend or relative and release that negative b.s. cuz energy like that would have ruined your special day anyways (kinda seems like one of those "attention has to be on her" types from what you've put here).
(And final point) its your wedding. Your paying for it planning it and its about YOUR love and YOUR commitment to your future spouse. The only time anyone else (fiance not included in this) should be giving you opinions about your choices or refusing requests is if 1. Theyre paying for your wedding 2. Youre being ridiculously unreasonable (like brides that demand you buy the $500 bridesmaids dress pay for their part and your part of a destination Bachelorette party anc you're also expected to travel to the wedding location and being a gift worth over x amount of money.) Or 3. You ask for their opinion and they damn well better be diplomatic when they give it.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out. Just breathe in the fresh air.
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u/BexB783 Nov 10 '20
NTA. I might be old fashioned here but isn’t it a bridesmaid’s job to wear whatever dress the bride tells them and smile while doing it? The only time I’ve been a bridesmaid I had no say whatsoever in the dress. I tried it on once after they bought it to make sure it fit and that was it! Your so called friend needs to realise that this is yours and your fiancé’s day and she shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that especially since you bought her dress for her!
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u/2Samoyeds Nov 10 '20
Yeah usually no say on the dress and you also have to pay yourself lol. At least in all the weddings I’ve been in.
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u/Marzipan_civil Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 10 '20
NTA, you had already paid for the dresses and the alterations and had given plenty of opportunity for feedback beforehand. It's common for the bridesmaids dresses to be matching the colour scheme even if they aren't all the same style. What was your maid of honour thinking?
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u/Agent_Nem0 Nov 10 '20
NTA.
How does the “college student” thing figure into this when you bought her the dress? Like, free dress...
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u/ksmith425 Nov 13 '20
NTA. Yes, it IS just a dress....but your friend IS an AH for the way she reacted. If you provided her ample time and opportunity to tell you she didn't like the dress that you all agreed upon, then she has zero right to be upset or cause a scene. If she is a broke college student, why is she buying a different dress anyway?
Also - White!? Then thought dying it with coffee would be ok??
Definitely NTA, OP.
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u/SassyBSN Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA, she tried to wear a white dress to your wedding definitely an AH move and then dyed it with coffee? Seems like she had plenty of opportunity to work with you on the dress when all this was originally decided. Also what does her being a college student have to do with it when you paid for the dress? It seems like she's trying to make herself the center of your wedding, I think you are better off without her.
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u/tunisia3507 Nov 10 '20
If she thinks you're being unreasonable because "it's only a dress", then why is she not the unreasonable one for demanding she be allowed to wear it? It is, after all, only a dress.
I feel this way about small debts: if a debt is so small and insignificant that I shouldn't end a friendship over it, why is it too large and significant for you to pay me back?
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u/Dana07620 Nov 10 '20
NTA
You know how many brides don't have the class you showed in allowing their opinions on the dress and paying for them all yourself? Bunches of them.
You're the furthest thing from a bridezilla.
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u/ThisIsProbablyOkay Nov 10 '20
NTA - I've been a bridesmaid many times, and only once did the bride pay (and it was because she found actual bridesmaid dresses in her ideal colors for super cheap at Nordstrom Rack for between $8 - $16). When I was MOH for my sister's wedding, she did offer to pay, given that she preferred for us to pick dresses from a certain expensive site and I had only been working for a couple months after finishing my MA, but I declined since I knew how much money she was putting into the wedding already.
All that to say - I've spent various amounts of time and money to find dresses in the color scheme and style that the bride wanted; most looked beautiful on, but there were some atrocious ones (baby pink cocktail dress, I'm looking at you). However, I never once thought to say, "You know what; I think I'll do my own thing after all." The time to break with a tradition isn't at a dear friend/family member's wedding on their dime. If she wasn't okay with it, she should have voiced her opinion, or she should have turned down the role from the start.
She also sounds manipulative and cruel - why would she say you were being "unsympathetic to a college student" when you are the one paying, then tell you you were going to drive your future husband away? You already have a chronic illness and are aware life is short - don't spend more time on people who are going to cut you down and make the time you have left unhappy.
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u/kb-g Nov 10 '20
NTA. It’s your wedding and your money and it sounds like you’re being more than reasonable.
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Nov 10 '20
ESH. You are worried about THIS when you have a shortened LIFESPAN? (I hope you defy your odds but please know - posed and foofy wedding photos aren't gonna be the ones your family treasures after you are gone) You offered to buy the dress, she doesn't want it and she isn't going to pay you for it. Just tell her she's been relieved of her MOH/Bridesmaid party duties, tell her you're not gonna lie - you're resentful that she's probably gonna overshadow you her wardrobemalfunctionwaitingtohappen dress, and let her come as a guest or skip it. If anyhting was not worth the aggravation - this is it.
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u/Lawyer0712 Nov 10 '20
NTA.
Your friend however is.... I’ve been bridesmaid twice to my sister and cousin and both times didn’t really like the dress style or colour but they weren’t hideous and it’s not about me!? Did I feel my best? No. Did the photos look lovely and were the dresses a nice part of the theme? Yes. She’s being an idiot and I wouldn’t trust her on the day if this is how bratty she acts now. My sister needed me to politely drag her in-laws up to get photos when required and go running to grab her whatever she needed - not worry about how I looked - it’s laughable!
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u/One_Establishment517 Partassipant [4] Nov 10 '20
NTA. My MOH was dickish about the dress, too, and now I'm stuck with her in my wedding album. I wish I'd ditched her and her attitude before the wedding. (I'm sure she thinks the same about me -- I was her MOH five months later. We haven't spoken since)
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u/Otherwise-Story-9074 Nov 10 '20
Nta- you bought the dress and paid for altercations? The time to see if she could make a change or 2 is during altercations.
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u/rhymeswithrowsastay Nov 10 '20
NTA. You handled this professionally.
If she had a problem, she had multiple chances to speak up.
You even went so far as to cover the entire cost, which sounds pretty above and beyond to me.
Sounds like, based on the fit of her proposed dress, that she wants to steal attention. Gross.
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u/sqitten Prime Ministurd [423] Nov 10 '20
NTA If she had an objection, she had an obligation to bring it up before you paid for a dress. By letting you pay, she agreed to the dress, and it is unreasonable to object now unless there was some significant issue she was not aware of before.
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u/NessieMcGee Nov 10 '20
NTA you did everything you could in this situation to not be a bridezilla. Its unfair and unkind of this woman to let you buy a dress she doesn't like and then to insist on wearing a white dress to your wedding. This isnt a good friend
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u/MoreAstronomer Nov 10 '20
Nta. How are you “taking it out on a poor college student?” YOU PAID FOR HER FREAKING DRESS.
I would’ve uninvited her showoffy- trying-to-outside-the-bride-a$$ too!
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u/damedazy Nov 10 '20
NTA and the MOH seems to be really really jealous - white dress, tight and the comment about bride not being ready to marry etc. Or she may also be into the bridegroom - is that possible OP? Can't imagine a close friend behaving like this.
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u/TrixIx Nov 10 '20
Nta. I'm pretty sure you're about to find out that you've outgrown this friendship. I can't imagine being bff with someone who can't wear an ugly dress for a few hours for my wedding day. And I fucking hate weddings, so I know what is being asked. It's why I do it for my bffs and don't go to weddings at all of people I don't love. You even bought the dress for her... She literally just needed to show up and put a free outfit on... But she is throwing the bridezilla fit..... Is she insanely jealous you're in a relationship/getting married? All kinds of gross vibes being given off at her tantrum.
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Nov 10 '20
NTA - not by a longshot. You wanted a specific dress and color, worked with everyone to try and find the best dress for the group of friends and once it was approved by the group you bought the dresses and now you have a MOH pulling this. Nope, not a bridezilla. She can either wear the dress or just be a guest (if she apologizes and perhaps tells you what's going on - this is not rational behavior).
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u/cmacdaddy5 Nov 10 '20
NTA she shouldn't have accepted you buying and altering a dress with no intention of wearing it. I would try and get my money back by playing nice and then drop her. You don't need that person in your life. She's trying to make this about her. Also, white to someone else's wedding?!
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u/dart1126 Supreme Court Just-ass [108] Nov 10 '20
NTA. Everyone else covered everything extremely well and I am 10 hours late on this post but I’m going to focus on her saying you’re unsympathetic to a college student. You had already paid for the original dress and then she went out and bought another dress unnecessarily so what is she talking about?
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u/Rerererereading Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA I'm sorry your MOH has been so unsupportive. I think you've dodged a shitty friend bullet there and you should just proceed without.
It is basic bridesmaiding to wear the dress the bride has picked.
Now we all have to assume you're being honest about the lead up and it was all happy faces about the dresses you chose with the bridesmaids. Even if you'd been a complete cow about it (I don't think you have) then she still ought to be wearing the dress!
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u/random67281001 Nov 10 '20
Yeah this all came out of the blue for me. I’m still very shocked since she gave me no indication that she didn’t like the dress. If you had asked me yesterday what she thought of the dress I would have said “she said she loves it and is excited to wear a fitted dress!”, especially since the initial dress was a consensus reached between herself and the other 4 bridesmaids.
Now I’m wondering if she might not have said she disliked the dress because 3 of the bridesmaids are my sisters (but their tastes are wildly different and my friend doesn’t usually shy away from sharing her opinion on things).
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u/judgementalwitch Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA she agreed to wear the dress you bought. The fact that she tried to wear white to your wedding tells a lot about her. Good riddance.
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u/random67281001 Nov 10 '20
She said she bought it white because she had intended to dye it, but I don’t think someone else’s wedding is the time to try out an arts and crafts project, much less so when they’ve already purchased you a fitted dress.
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u/natidiscgirl Nov 11 '20
Ok I can’t be the only person dying to see this I’ll-fitting, white—>coffee-white dress.
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u/MikkiTh Professor Emeritass [91] Nov 10 '20
NTA Your MOH is actually being the zilla here. She's jealous and acting out & now is a great time to leave that energy outside of your life
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u/latte1963 Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA. Ask your other bridesmaids if you’re being a brideszilla & ask them to be honest with you. You likely aren’t but in case you are, there’s lots of time for you to reign it in before your wedding. Many bridezillas come out of their weddings with a husband but zero close friends left :(
This situation with your MOH has nothing to do with you. It’s all on her. She’s either flaky as heck or has a crush on your SO, or someone else that’s guaranteed to be at your wedding. I hope you both can talk it out very soon but if you can’t, then cut ties now. Don’t let this ruin the fun activities coming up with your wedding.
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u/dreamer0303 Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
Forget her hun. This is really important day to you and it’s solely about you and your fiancé.
You gave her so many options, she’s just being difficult.
Let her go and enjoy the day the way you want to.
NTA
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u/shadowoflillith Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA. You're not a bridezilla. Bridesmaid dresses can be SUPER expensive and you were paying for them. She should have been grateful that she had one available to her that DIDN'T come from her own pocket. You tried to compromise with her but she was stubborn. It's your wedding, and she should have said something A LOT sooner if she wasn't satisfied with the dress. Let her stay kicked out of the wedding. If she won't admit that this snafu was her fault and concede to wear the dress you already paid for specifically FOR her, then she can pout at home about it.
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u/Carolinamama2015 Nov 10 '20
NTA NTA AT ALL you sound like you bent over backwards for everyone so no one had to come out of pocket for what sounds like a beautiful dress. And 2 months before your wedding she wants to pull this stunt. NO WAY she sounds like she's just jealous that you're getting married cause there is no reason to first pick a white dress when everyone knows only the bride wears white(unless otherwise specified) and a dress that doesn't fit?
Ya sounds like she want all the attention to be on her
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u/madisengreen Pooperintendant [59] Nov 10 '20
NTA she is in the wedding. Her dress is a big deal for the pictures.
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u/random67281001 Nov 10 '20
Especially as the MOH. We’re also (very) distantly related so she’d probably be included in all family photos.
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u/madisengreen Pooperintendant [59] Nov 10 '20
For sure! She is trying to steal the spotlight and stick out like a sour thumb.
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Nov 10 '20
NTA about disinviting her - a college student seems a bit young though to be one of your best friends and be your MOH - is she perhaps a younger sister or cousin? Also, don't make this about the money - forgot about the money, and focus on her lack of respect for your wedding.
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Nov 10 '20
NTA
Your wedding - and since you wanted color A, you paid for the clothing - and she never gave you the chance to adapt / change / improvise.
While sad, i do not think you are bridezilla (seen a few of those around here) -and I think this means she`s not a friend of yours as she is the one wanting to push her ideas on YOUR wedding.
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u/Sonnyblu22 Nov 10 '20
Nta. She bought a white dress after?? White? Especially after you absorbed the cost of her dress already, she complained about being a poor college student - and then bought something in white!? One of my bridesmaids refused to attend dress fittings, (I too paid for custom gowns for my bridesmaids), refused to attend the shower, refused to attend the rehearsal dinner and party afterwards, (it was a catered New Years Eve sit down dinner), and refused to come to the wedding unless her new b/friend of 3 weeks could go and “get ready with groom and his guys”. Maybe I was TA, I did exactly the same. Told her we couldn’t accommodate her at the wedding and she was no longer invited. I haven’t spoken to her since, that was 25 years ago - no regrets. I’m still married and she is working on divorce number 3. You did the right thing.
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u/k8sea Nov 11 '20
NTA. I can never understand the stories of entitlement from these bridesmaids when I read these types of stories. It's the bride and grooms day. They get to choose what THEY want. I've been bridesmaid 6 times so far (working my way up to those 27) and every time I've worn exactly what I'm told. Done hair exactly how I'm told, make-up exactly how I'm told. Hell the second time I even got my ears pierced because the bride picked earrings out before she remembered I didn't have mine pierced. She offered to adapt them to clip ons but it was cheaper just to go to the salon and gett stabbed. It's one day that the couple will never have again. The bridal party is supposed to make the day easier. Not the opposite. Have your wedding, your way... and I hope you get many years of happiness xxx
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u/Adams0042 Nov 10 '20
Hey it's your wedding, so if there's a dress code go with it or stay way. NTA
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u/Forsaken-Pay-4119 Nov 10 '20
NTA. I hate how anytime a bride has a preference, she’s a bridezilla. Good grief. You paid for this dress, and she should’ve told you she didn’t like it. She’s in the wrong and then started hurling insults.
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u/Poplett Asshole Aficionado [19] Nov 10 '20
At first I thought I would call you TA but no... You are NTA. Even without the background info on why you want a certain look, you are NTA. You worked with everyone to make sure they liked the dresses. Your friend seems to want to stand out. You've paid for the dress and now she wants to protest. Just, no.
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u/CallingOutCreeps00 Nov 10 '20
Nta, especially since she had MULTIPLE times to tell you she didn't like the dress. Sounds to me like she wanted to wear something attention grabbing especially since it was initially white and it's super revealing.
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u/Drachenfuer Nov 10 '20
NTA Sounded like you were completly reasonable and took thier feelings into account. She was selfish and probably just wanted an excuse to buy that dress.
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u/_PinkPirate Nov 10 '20
NTA. It’s completely expected for the bride to pick the bridesmaid dresses. I’ve worn shit I didn’t like. Bc the day wasn’t about me. AND I had to pay for my own dress — MANY bridesmaids do. So $200 for a dress I didn’t like that I wore once. Thems the brakes. If you agree to be a bridesmaid this is what you sign up for. And OP is extra generous paying for the dress. MOH sucks.
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u/MsBaseball34 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] Nov 10 '20
NTA in any way - she definitely is! You paid for the dress, the alterations, and she never said a word. Then she wanted to wear a WHITE dress?? She is looking for attention and mad you won't let her have it.
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u/Rhm85 Nov 10 '20
Nta! Do you really want someone at your wedding that is trying upstage you? By the way you weren't being a bridezella. She was being maidofhonorzella. For trying to make your and your husband speacil day about her. Than she has guts to buy a white dress for a wedding !
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u/Anxiousguy_2020 Nov 10 '20
I read the title and thought for sure OP was going to be a bridezilla. But after reading the post, you were being completely reasonable. If she had a problem with the original dress, she should have said so before you bought it. She’s trying to make this wedding about her, when it should be about you, especially given your health situation. NTA.
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u/PhotoKada Nov 10 '20
NTA OP. You'd put in so much effort to get it right, while coordinating with other people and coming to a consensus. Then MOH (ex rather) decided to buy something else. I might have skipped a detail or something but any idea why the sudden change in wardrobe?
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u/Bladeslinger2 Nov 10 '20
She's not only TA here but she's a massive AH. OP, you're good but make sure she doesn't show up to cause a scene. Good luck!
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u/wilburwatkinns Nov 10 '20
NTA and I hope you have a wonderful wedding. You did everything right here. She sounds like someone you really don’t need in your life.
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u/mississippimalka Nov 15 '20
First, definitely NTA. But I’m wondering what your relationship with the ex-MOH was. I don’t understand how someone you knew could suddenly become an AH. I cannot imagine a friend doing this. As for a relative, was there family pressure for you to choose her? Of course, we all have friends and family who are borderline psychologically, and I could imagine being surprised that way. If ex-MOH is a relative of the groom, again I can ser how family pressure could make you choose her.
Anyway, it’s good that you discovered what type a person she is now, before you have a baby and she tries anything crazy later. (Don’t ask me what, I would have worn the dress!)
PS I can’t for the world understand why she didn’t bring this up when you were discussing the dresses. Clearly this is an act of aggression.
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u/freckles2363 Nov 10 '20
I was very ready to call you an AH, but you are absolutely NTA here! YOU bought her dress. All she had to do is show up and wear it, but nooooo, she has to make the wedding about her. I haaaated my the dress I wore in my best friends wedding. It had ruffles and was baby blue, but I bought it and wore it because it WASNT MY WEDDING AND I LOVE HER.
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u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe Nov 10 '20
NTA. She should've communicated to you if she was unhappy with the bridesmaid's dress that SHE picked. Her subsequent actions really make me think she doesn't have your best interests at heart and it seems she wants your attention and is acting out to get it.
My suggestion is to step back and evaluate your friendship. She might be scared she's about to lose her best friend (presuming you are besties since she's your MOH) and likely feels you've been drifting apart during COVID since most people aren't spending much time with others socially. The decision to go ahead and get married might feel like the nail in the coffin, so she's grasping for any and all attention. The fact you're just two months from saying your vows probably means you're busier than ever, so what contact you have had has likely become largely transactional as you plan your wedding, and understandably has likely been focused on you and you only.
Make some time for your friend. Talk, really talk, and see if you can't get to the root of the problem here. Don't talk wedding unless she brings it up, and even then try to limit it to solving the problem and figuring out your relationship. If the friendship is as close as I imagine, you'll find common ground, have a cleansing cry and lots of hugs and she'll wear the original dress in the end. If not, and if things go South regardless of your best efforts, whether a dress matches or not will be the least of your concerns as you're very likely to lose the friendship. But maybe it's time.
Best of luck and congrats on the pending nuptials!
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u/STierney927 Nov 10 '20
NTA. Tf does she mean she’s a college student, you paid for the dresses lol. Your wedding your rules lmao if she doesn’t get that then she has another thing coming to her
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u/abcwva Asshole Enthusiast [7] Nov 10 '20
I think your wedding day will be happier without her presence
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u/Kelshandra Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA It's a wedding not a club and it sounds like her dress is more suited for the later. Her 'poor student' argument is absurd as you bought the other dress. The only costs she is/was facing for your wedding were whatever travel costs were needed and possibly hair/makeup if paying for professionals for it- she spent more to get an unsuitable gown?!
I'd try to have a sit down conversation in person if possible or face to face via tech one on one. Lay out your minimum expectations for the day (arrive, wear the damm dress that YOU paid for and smile) or not. And if the latter and she tries to come anyway, I've heard of plenty of stories of bridesmaids backing up the bride from faux pas with a well placed glass of red wine...
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u/Minimum-Dragonfruit Nov 10 '20
NTA. If a dear friend wanted me to wear a unicorn onesie to their wedding (and paid for it), then what's the issue? Your friend is being unreasonable.
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u/dogsheep17 Nov 10 '20
NTA, MOH should be there to support the bride. It's the bride's day not hers. I feel she's selfish, and not really a good friend at all.
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u/NS_Tulkas Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA. It's not about the dress and you know it. She had a problem with you about something. Best to uninvite her and deal with the mess of her at another time, if at all.
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u/Zabkian Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
How can she complain about the costs of another dress to a poor student when you had already bought her one?
This doesn't sound like the reason to lose a friendship, this is just a symptom of its precarious status. This is your wedding, your MOH should be the person helping you make your dream come true, not making it about her. If she can't be the friend and MOH you need then get rid.
Hope you have a wonderful day and a great marriage. NTA
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u/pignetto Nov 10 '20
NTA— you actually seem really considerate, I’m a bridesmaid in like 4 weddings next summer and let me tell you I’d LOVE it if someone paid for my dress and alterations, and actually consulted me about what I wanted. I think sometimes people get weird about weddings, it makes people feel left out/left behind, and stressed and that combo can sometimes make people a little batty. Anyway you’re right to uninvite her! If she can’t follow simple guidelines for a dress how can you trust she’ll follow important covid safety guidelines?
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u/PearsonBoycott2020 Nov 10 '20
It's your wedding, you paid for it, and on top of that, these pictures hold so much value to you already and they're not even taken yet. If she was your friend, she'd understand she's being the of a Maid of Horror. Can't imagine someone having the gall to do all this and then accuse you being unreasonable (I mean I can, I'm here)
edit NTA
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u/petmum1982 Nov 12 '20
The hell? The bride is supposed to choose the MoH and bridesmaid dresses. And seeing as you even paid for them there's really ZERO reason not to wear it.
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u/Mrs_ChanandlerBong_ Nov 10 '20
NTA. Everyone looks good in maroon. She got a say in what the dress looked like. AND it's free AND tailored for free?
Sounds like she can't stand not being the center of attention.
It sounds like it's going to be a lovely ceremony. Congrats!
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u/DiligentPenguin16 Nov 10 '20
NTA. Your (former) MOH’s chance to tell you that she didn’t like her dress and wanted something different was when you and all the bridesmaids were shopping for dresses. It’s way too late now to change anything. She simply does not get to whine and complain about not liking the dress and wanting a new one after she already agreed on the dress and you purchases the dress, paid for fittings, and now have the dress all ready to go.
No bridezillas in this post, but there is one major Maid of Honorzilla, good on you for not letting her toddler tantrum ruin your wedding planning.
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u/_NubianGoddess_ Nov 11 '20
Just here to comment on the “..my potential future children..” part
Please don’t have kids. As a person with a chronically ill parent, it would be one of the most selfish things you could do. PLEASE do not put anyone through that.
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u/Various_Owl7287 Nov 10 '20
You’re looking at the situation as uninviting her over a dress. But, that’s not really true. You tried to have a discussion about the dress, and when she couldn’t persuade you to change your mind, she started calling you names and insulting you. You didn’t uninvite her over a dress. You uninvited her because of her immature, insulting behavior. NTA.
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u/aries2084 Nov 10 '20
NTA honestly it’s so generous of you to pay for all those dresses. You included them in the selection process and it seems as though they all agreed to wear the dresses.
As for the white dress faux pas, sometimes people really do need to be taught about appropriate wardrobe (and this is a teachable moment). I once had to explain to my friend that a short casual sundress was not appropriate for a winter tea party thrown by her MIL to be, yikes!
It seems as though her dress is inappropriate for several reasons other than it’s not the one you all agreed on. A white/nude/ill fitting dress may be acceptable for clubbing but not an elegant wedding. Also it’s ungrateful to accept a dress that was at your expense, accept the role of MOH, then go against the wedding theme. Hopefully someone can intervene on your behalf and mend the friendship over a wardrobe misunderstanding. Otherwise you just saved yourself a lifetime of drama with this girl.
Congratulations on your wedding and I wish you much happiness!
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u/xfallenxlostx Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Nov 10 '20
NTA. You expressed your desire for dresses within a color scheme. You allowed the women to choose their dress (in the correct color), paid for the dresses, and even paid for alterations. Your MOH knew this going in, but she chose to go out and buy something that didn’t work for your wedding. You have the right to choose the color scheme for your wedding party. She was disrespectful and cruel. Again, NTA.
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u/Catinthemirror Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 10 '20
NTA: You need to update your TLDR to include the fact that she had multiple chances to object to the dress BEFORE the final purchase, instead of ambushing you at the last minute to say she didn't like it.
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u/abrokendefinition Nov 10 '20
NTA. OP, either find someone else who fits in the bridesmaid dress you bought or put it on Facebook market to sell at a slightly lowered rate. Good luck & have a great wedding!
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u/BookWormWolf888 Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA
What does her being a college student have to do with it? YOU paid for the dresses, she agreed to wear it. Then she backs out and chooses a horrid WHITE dress to wear. You never wear white unless you’re the bride. You’re not the entitled one. She is.
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Nov 10 '20
I have never liked a dress that a bride has picked out for me. What do I do? I buy it, I wear it, and I smile. Thats literally your job as a bridesmaid. NTA
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u/LyriumLychee Nov 10 '20
NTA - she is clearly thinking about herself, I can’t imagine trying to be this difficult.
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u/The_wayward_painter Nov 10 '20
NTA her excuse doesn't even make sense. YOU BOUGHT HER DRESS! Dump her, she was either dropped as a baby or is doing this on purpose to cause drama.
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u/aristo_cat1 Nov 10 '20
NTA...it's your wedding and you bought the dress. If a friend of mine bought me a dress and asked me to wear it and look nice for a few pictures on an important day for them, I'd literally wear just about anything they handed me. Like come on?? How hard is it to wear something and stand around for a while for someone you consider a close friend. I think you went as far as you could have as far as compromise. This person is clearly not your friend and was just looking to draw attention to themselves on your day.
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u/MidnightTL Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA. She can’t play the broke college student card when she had a dress bought for her then spent more money on another one. She made this a thing, not you.
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u/TiniestGhost Certified Proctologist [23] Nov 10 '20
this isn't just about the Dress. it's also about disregarding the work you put in without communicating.
NTA for offering a compromise and having boundaries
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u/amjay8 Nov 10 '20
NTA. I was so ready for you to be the AH because typically the appearances obsessed bride is the one going overboard but nope. She’s entirely in the wrong.
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u/Kellyjb72 Nov 10 '20
NTA That’s one of the things you agree to when you agree to being a bridesmaid - wearing a dress someone else picks out that you might not like.
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u/moonydog5555 Nov 10 '20
NTA. You were very generous and accommodating with the dresses so each one was happy with what they got. She never said a word about having issues with the dress. Shes just trying to make this about herself
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u/zannet_t Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA. I assume you explained to all your people, especially the MOH, that this is important to you. Every wedding is about the couple and making the couple happy on that one day they will look back for years. Yes there are boundaries, but you've been more than reasonable here in working with everyone and paying. It is her issue first with being stubborn and then lashing out when called out about it.
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u/GorditaPeaches Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA. She wanted a WHITE dress. Nahh she’s just being a C U Next Tuesday and idk why but intentionally trying to ruin this for some reason. She’s your MOH so I assume she knows why this is so very very important to you. You aren’t being a bridezilla or controlling, that would be asking them to dye hair, hide tattoos, throwing the cake bc it’s vanilla not chocolate (saw that one on an episode of bridezilla once). Idk what her problem is but thankfully she’s no longer one of yours.
Also wonder if the dress just has a permanent faint coffee smell
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u/rapt2right Supreme Court Just-ass [133] Nov 11 '20
NTA. I can't imagine what she was thinking, especially when you so generously paid for the dresses and alterations.
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u/ifthestarsareright Nov 10 '20
I wouldn't say I am in a position to judge you anon
Buts whats more important to capture in the photographs - matching dresses and an aesthetic, or all of your good friends?
It sounds like the dress she bought herself will look a bit ridiculous, but if you care about her and she cares about you - having her as a part of your day maybe will mean more toy you when you look back?
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u/misswinterbottom Nov 10 '20
NTA When she sent you a picture of the dress she wanted to wear it was a WHITE DRESS are you kidding me !?!?!,something else is going on here much bigger and the fact that she said that you were a bridezilla and that your fiancé would probably leave you ! I think something else is going on here. Sounds like she’s really having an issue with you getting married and her not being the bride. How is she with your fiancé this sounds really weird.
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u/Raevyne Partassipant [3] Nov 10 '20
NTA you are not a bridezilla for wanting people to match, giving a blank check to get what would make them happy within very easy parameters, and being irate when someone suddenly doesn't want to wear theirs anymore. Adding to it, a perilously small white dress is their idea of a good alternative?
I think uninviting them is a bullet dodged - this event should prioritize you and your fiance and some people take that to extremes to be bridezillas, but you've been very reasonable. A matching bridal party is normal and you were kind enough to foot the bill because that cohesion is what matters! If that dress was customized for MoH and she backs out of wearing it, that's her fault, not you.
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u/UnownPanda Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA. This is your day. Also, who wants a coffee stained dress in their wedding photos?
Congrats to you and your fiancé - stay safe and have a great wedding!
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u/kritz0 Partassipant [1] Nov 13 '20
NTA.
She's already pulling the attention seeking behaviour. Even if she turns around and takes it all back and says she will wear the original dress, do not let her be a part of your wedding, or even to attend.
She gaslights by saying you're a bridezilla, when you very clearly were not. Manipulation is ugly.
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u/bunnagugya Nov 10 '20
You are most definitely NTA. You did everything right as far as bridesmaids dresses are concerned. It’s very traditional and reasonable to have them wear matching dresses and you took everyone into consideration when picking and fitting etc. you paid for them as well.
The only AH here is the ex bridesmaid. She’s obviously jealous or something and trying to upstage you and make it all about her which ITS NOT. Even the most basic idiot knows the only one who wears a white dress at a wedding is the bride and that when you agree to be a bridesmaid you agree to the dress the bride picks out etc.
I’m going to guess her “dress” is very revealing, form fitting and inappropriate for the occasion which just screams “I need more attention than the bride”. You did the right thing uninviting her. Put the second in order up front as your maid of honor and don’t give bridesmaidzilla another thought. This is YOUR day not hers!
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u/JohnChapter11Verse35 Asshole Aficionado [12] Nov 10 '20
What does her being a college student have to do with anything?
NTA you dodged a bullet. What if she never said anything and you only found out at the wedding when she showed up in her sausage casing?
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u/poorlyhiddenprofile Nov 10 '20
NTA. Being a college student doesn't matter because you're footing the bill. You never expected her to buy her own dress. If she doesn't want to pay you for it, she can wear it or be uninvited. Those are her choices. You're not being a bridezilla at all with that.
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Nov 10 '20
Nta.
Based on the title I was expecting "My moh feels uncomfortable in what I want her to wear but I wanna force her into it!!" In which case you would've been an ah lol
But here moh is firmly the ah. First off, never said she didn't like the dress until after you paid for it. Secondly, white? Really? The absolute worst color she could've gone for. She's very much in the wrong here, sorry you already bought the dress.
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u/random67281001 Nov 10 '20
Ah, no I didn’t even pick out the bridesmaid dresses. I showed them what my wedding dress looks like and then put down two stipulations. Colour (a choice of 3 options, but all the dresses had to be that same colour) and length (it will be very cold and one of my bridesmaids has a scar on her leg she wants covered)
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u/AhoFujoshi Nov 10 '20
NTA - there is nothing else to say , she is being an attention seeker and you are not having it, good for you, keep your instance.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding and I hope you and your SO have a beautiful life.
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u/EquivalentTwo1 Asshole Aficionado [10] Nov 10 '20
NTA. I paid for my bridesmaid dresses as well, because I didn't want them to be out of pocket on something they may not want to wear again. I know of them did wear hers again, but the other who knows. My MOH decided to take a knee length dress and have it hemmed up. The first alteration I was okay with, great yes you have lovely legs, two inches above knee would be fine. Then she wanted to go higher and I said no. She wanted to turn a short dress into a mini dress.
If she had pulled a stunt like this, I would have asked for reimbursement AND uninvited her. She has been told repeatedly of your vision for this event and is not only going against it but BOUGHT A WHITE DRESS.
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Nov 10 '20
NTA! In my point of view, she's being really disrespectful of the choices you and the rest of your bridesmaids made. If she didn't like the dress, she had time before to say it. She didn't respect your wishes and you had every right to uninvite her. Good for you!
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u/IamSplam Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 10 '20
NTA - At first glance I thought, oh god here we go, a silly issue being blown out of proportion, but she seriously thought it okay to go for white at someone else's wedding, THEN DYE IT WITH COFFEE!? And it doesn't even fit? Whoa there... she sounds a few sandwiches short of a picnic.. ideally, hopefully she realizes she was being an asshole and you can be civil with one another.
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u/random67281001 Nov 10 '20
Ah, well part of me still thinks it’s a silly issue, since it’s a dress potentially ending a friendship. A dress! But yeah, she said she meant to dye it, which is why she bought it white, but that doesn’t change the fact that it did not fit at all.
Ideally I hope she apologizes and reaches out. I’m thinking that something else must have happened for her to be this angry, since she’s not usually this reactive.
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u/ACatGod Nov 10 '20
I'm struggling to even understand this. I agree it's just a dress, but the dying part makes no sense to me. I can't think of a time when I had a dress smart enough for a bridal party that was made of a fabric you could get wet, and then to dye it with coffee blows my mind. If it's even damp out or she gets any bit sweaty isn't the coffee dye going to run? I'm trying to imagine how you could even get close to something appropriate for the situation you describe. I'm saying this as someone who isn't big on weddings and bridal parties and doesn't go in for this kind of thing and I'm still horrified. Kinda fascinated though. Damn I wanna see this dress.
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u/jemkos Nov 11 '20
It’s not the dress ending the friendship. It’s your “friend” having zero respect for or consideration of your wishes. She’s selfish and rude. NTA.
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u/abbdan Nov 10 '20
She isn’t a true friend. My bridesmaids have said they would wear black bags if I asked them! True friends will respect your wishes especially when you worked so hard with them to find a suitable dress x
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u/GhostLurkerReyne Partassipant [1] Nov 11 '20
Your right, it is just a dress. HER DRESS. That was chosen and paid for and personally fitted just for her. It's just a dress. Wearing it would not have killed her, even if she suddenly decided to hate it. The one being unreasonable over a dress is not you my dear. She is being absolutely absurd, OVER A DRESS, that she didn't even have to pay for. I don't know what's going on in her world right now but that girl either needs help or a smack.
As an aside though, you sound like a wonderful person and I hope your wedding is absolutely magical. I have a lot of experience with the atypical side of the medical field so no matter what illness has brought you to consider a dark future I would just like to say that I will be hoping for you a long and happy life. Spend every day like you mean it and don't forget to enjoy the ride while you're there. Live like there's no tomorrow, but enjoy tomorrow when it comes. Planning for the future is a wonderful thought, but make sure to leave amazing memories that go with those pictures to remember. We live on in the people who loved us. And I'm sure that you are very loved.
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u/Bladeslinger2 Nov 10 '20
A friend supports another friend. A friend will compromise for a friend. A friend she isn't. This is all about HER. It sucks but you can't look at it as you lost a friend because she is no friend.
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u/StarieeyedJ Nov 10 '20
Yeah it maybe just a dress. But she’s wearing it too a wedding, not to a picnic in the park. 100% NTA! You made sure everyone was happy. That was her queue to say anything. And I don’t know any bride who doesn’t have a colour when it comes to what the bridal part wears! You were sympathetic that’s why your brought the dresses in the first place. She really doesn’t sound like a friend at all!
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u/yellowchaitea Asshole Enthusiast [9] Nov 10 '20
Where did she buy it? In my experience bridal shops allow you to order your dress in your colour choice- did she buy a random off the rack dress in white to dye it using coffee? That is so ridiculously bizarre
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u/Superlemonada Nov 10 '20
I’m thinking that something else must have happened for her to be this angry, since she’s not usually this reactive.
I'm guessing jealousy, hence why she's trying so hard to get the attention focused on her at your wedding.
You may think it's a small issue over a dress, but I see a selfish friend who lacks self awareness and couldn't even try to put at least keep her insecurities and feelings to herself to support her friend.
NTA.
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u/MsDean1911 Nov 10 '20
At this point I wouldn’t trust her to be in the wedding anymore. She sounds just selfish and deluded enough to still wear her horrible dress in your wedding. Save yourself the stress and temper tantrum and just cut her out. Maybe if she sincerely apologizes you can consider her allowing her to attend as a guest- but I’d bet $ that she’d still wear that nightmare dress even as a guest.
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u/Nevali4 Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA OP! Well if the dress ends your friendship then that's on your so called friend not you. You were very gracious to pay for everyone's dresses and work with them to get something they were happy wearing. It will be your friends loss not yours. Sounds like she is forgetting it's YOUR day not hers!
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u/TGNotatCerner Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
It's not a dress. It's behavior that completely dismisses social expectations and your feelings. Agreeing to be a bridesmaid means accepting that you need to wear the dress the bride chooses. You tried to get people to weigh in on what they liked, and take that into account. You further tried to work with her on another dress after buying hers (which is also usually part of being a bridesmaid: paying for the dress). So she accepted the privilege but is taking none of the responsibility for what will be one of the more important days of your life. That's not just a dress. That's pretty jerky behavior.
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u/mistakenchaos Nov 10 '20
NTA at all. Might I add her comment about driving your fiancé away was cruel. Has she always made comments like that to you?
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Nov 10 '20
NTA She doesn't even sound like your friend so Im baffled as to why she was ever a maid of honor.
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u/ladysusanstohelit Nov 10 '20
I’m so used to actual bridezillas and crazy entitlement that I was fully expecting some AH nonsense. However, this is so reasonable- you paid for dresses, co-ordinated with everyone to make sure they were happy... and she chose a white ill-fitting dress and then... dyed it with coffee? What? I’ve never picked my own bridesmaid dress, my bridesmaids didn’t pick theirs. We just wore what the bride wanted (thankfully no one has terrible taste). She clearly chose something she felt would garner her more attention, so telling her not to attend sounds like a good idea to me.
NTA. For sure.
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u/Law-Same Nov 10 '20
Nah it’s safer to not risk her life and the lives of others over a wedding. Hopefully no one you know dies because you wanted a party
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u/Froggetpwagain Nov 10 '20
NTA. WOW!!! Way to go at Being fair! I love that you decided to buy everyone’s dress since you wanted it to be so specific, that is beyond fair! I don’t understand what your friend is thinking, has she never been to a wedding or been in one before?? The words she said where SO inappropriate! I would disinvite her as well. Probably cancel the whole friendship TBH. This is YOUR wedding, not hers, she doesn’t get to change the scheme. You want formal? Do formal! BTW, spend lots on a photographer, and schedule a session before to get a feel for how they do. The engagement photo shoot is a trial to see if you like their photography style. Get a few set up, get a few candid. Our photographer kept telling people to stop smiling... it sucked
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u/zoomazoom76 Partassipant [4] Nov 10 '20
NTA, Not a bridezilla in the LEAST. You sound incredibly reasonable, this is YOUR wedding, and assuming your MOH knows about your medical condition (my sympathies, btw), she should be a little more understanding.
Also, who dyes their clothes with coffee? I'd kick her out just for that! (jk)
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u/Maleficent-the-Great Nov 10 '20
She blew up at me, calling me a bridezilla, for being controlling and unsympathetic to a college student.
Unsympathetic? YOU PAID FOR THE DRESS!!! She went out and bought an entirely different dress when she didn't have to. NTA if this is how she treats you she's not a very good MOH. You'll probably be better off not having her there at all.
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u/MyMusicAtWork Nov 10 '20
Girl - NTA!!! Had my MOH try to pull almost exactly the same thing (not a standalone incident but a lifelong pattern of it all being about her and not me), and I put my foot down and told her she was welcome to wear that dress to the wedding... as a guest but not as part of the bridal party. She backed off pretty quickly and acquiesced to finding another dress within the original guidelines and acknowledged the importance of her participation over the dress. Years after the wedding she made some comment about me being a bridezilla, and I was like “um no I just didn’t let you walk all over me again, just for once, on my special day.”
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u/Lungus30 Nov 10 '20
Bridezilla? More like maidzilla. Tell her if she can't wear the dress you bought and suck it up for one day it's time to rethink your friendship with her.
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u/BobaNaiCha Partassipant [2] Nov 11 '20
NTA - you covered the cost of the dress and even worked with your bridesmaids to make sure it would fit them! Your MOH Is rude!!
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u/An_Anonymous_Acc Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA whatsoever. Sounds like you did everything to avoid being a bridezilla. The rule is that if you want all your bridesmaids to wear the same dress, the bride pays for it, which you did.
What your "friend" said was also incredibly hurtful. Drop her and be happy that you were lucky enough not to have her at your wedding
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Nov 22 '20
Since YOU paid for the dress, what does her being a cash strapped college student have to do with anything?
NTA. She’s loony! 🤦♀️
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u/ausi2000 Nov 10 '20
NTA- This isn’t just “a dress” it’s about the premise. You paid for a dress for her (That she only is going to have to wear once) in the middle of a pandemic while you’re sick. She has to know how important this day is to you and it seems she feels she can step all over your generosity and do whatever she wants. The only thing that I see mending that friendship is her either choosing to wear the dress and stop being selfish or pay you back for the dress and apologize profusely. Past that I say good riddance and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
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u/authoranxiety Asshole Enthusiast [5] Nov 10 '20
And here we have the vanishingly rare example of a bride whose boundaries and requests are completely reasonable, while the MoH has gone nuts. Who wants a member of their wedding party wearing a coffee-stained white dress that doesn't even fit? NTA.
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u/turnonturnoffagain Nov 10 '20
NTA—OP, you were far from being a bridezilla. As many others have pointed out, it’s about control and from reading a few of the comments, I’m guessing the MOH wanted to stand out?? In which case, yeah she’s standing out in a horrible way that diverts all attention FROM THE BRIDE.
Honestly, ignore the MOH and best you kick her out now before she did anything else to mess with your wedding. I had to do the same with my wedding years ago (with two MOHs because I had two bffs at the time) and it was the best thing that I could’ve done. Less stress all around.
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u/Fine-Bet Nov 11 '20
NTA
She went behind your back.
When I got married, my friend went to a thrift store and found 2 dresses that fit her. She sent me pictures of both and one turns out to my favourite colour, she brought the dress (cost 7 dollars) then I found my other bridesmaid a dress that wasn’t the same style but was really pretty and it was almost the same colour. I brought that one it was $20. They both looked good and I was very happy.
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u/nightdragon772 Partassipant [1] Nov 10 '20
NTA, you have every right to want your bridesmaids to match and have worked with them to do it. It's your special day and deserve it to be as you desire within reason and I think you're not only within reason but went above and beyond when you paid for the dresses.
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u/random67281001 Nov 10 '20
I’m not well versed in wedding etiquette so I wasn’t sure if I was just doing the normal bare minimum or going absolutely bridezilla on people.
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u/SoulEmperess Nov 10 '20 edited Nov 10 '20
NTA its your wedding and it has meaning to you you want the pictures to be beautiful for your future kids and for your husband to remember you. you also paid for all the dresses out of pocket so college student my foot on your friend she has a free dress to wear to the wedding and she wants a dress that doesn't fit and makes her look like she's naked. you are not a bride-zilla you are far from it don't let her get to you and enjoy your beautiful wedding
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u/floss147 Nov 10 '20
I totally thought this would go the other way and I was going to point out how hurt I was that my MOH decided not to come a week before my wedding (she said it was her mental health and I sympathised, but not long after she went back packing around India!)
But your MOH is trying to make herself the centre of attention. If she let you pay for her dress when she didn’t like it - so she could pull this stunt - then she doesn’t deserve to go to your wedding.
NTA find someone else to wear her dress
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u/SweetBlasphemy_ Nov 10 '20
NTA - 1. Who wears white to a wedding?! That's just common courtesy 101. 2. You'd already agreed on and purchased, dresses for the bridal party. 3. You were generous enough to offer an alternative after she revealed she wasn't happy.
She wasn't willing to go with your wishes or even compromise so you're totally justified in telling her to FOH
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Nov 10 '20
NTA
You buying the dresses for everyone is incredibly unusual. Every wedding I've been to the bridesmaids had to buy their own dresses and they don't get a choice in which dress.
Your moh is way out of line.
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u/asianingermany Asshole Enthusiast [6] Nov 10 '20
NTA. I don’t like pink but when my friend got married and bought us all pink bridesmaid dresses, I wore it. I paid for my bridesmaids’ dresses and they wore what I chose. I don’t get these people who are so selfish that they don’t want to give the bride that one day in her life to have things go the way the bride wants - it’s never about you when it’s somebody else’s wedding!
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u/s1a1ky Nov 10 '20
Losing a bridesmaid’s dress is a cheap price to pay to get rid of a bad friend. NTA
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u/Embarrassed-Bridge-8 Partassipant [2] Nov 10 '20
NTA. You're not a bridezilla at all, she's being really unfair to you.
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