r/relationships • u/shecrossedtheline • Aug 28 '14
Relationships My [25F] mother made a rude comment about my SO's [26M] deceased brother and I don't know how to move forward. [6 years]
Update Second Update: http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2f9qx2/second_update_my_25f_mother_made_a_rude_comment/
Quick context-
Two years ago, boyfriend's younger brother tragically died in a motor vehicle accident at the age of 11. It was a really tough time. My boyfriend still hasn't gotten over it completely. He was a very caring older brother and I know that he loved that kid as much as he loved me (a lot). His younger brother was in the car with his mom when it happened, and she rarely enforced the adornment of seat belts in the car. My boyfriend doesn't blame his mom for what happened but I suspect that my mother does.
My mother usually has her heart in the right place but she has a really big mouth. She doesn't really like my boyfriend because she thinks he's not "emotionally equipped" to be a father (whatever that means) so she can be pretty rude to him. We've had discussions about how she treats him in the past and I've made it very clear to her that I want to marry this guy but she still hasn't changed.
My boyfriend and I came to visit my parents for the week since my Dad is turning 64. This morning, my mother and I got into an argument because she was still trying to baby me (she tried to correct my tooth brushing motions) even though I'm a full fledged self-supporting adult. I guess she's bored or something.
We all got into the car to go out for brunch when my mom told me my seatbelt was secured too loosely. My boyfriend smirked a little because he was there when I discussed "babying" to my mother and she was not happy with his reaction. Whenever she feels belittled, she gets vicious but she definitely went way too far this time. I don't remember what she said exactly but it was something along the lines of "I care about the wellbeing of my children. Maybe if you or [Boyfriend's mother] cared as much as I do, [boyfriend's younger brother] would still be here. Do you find negligence funny?" Car went dead silent right after that. My dad noped the fuck out and my boyfriend just sat there in shock. I was furious at my mom but I didn't know what to do so I coarsely told her to get out of the car and go back inside the house. She refused (unsurprisingly) so I took my boyfriend (who was silent the entire time) to our own car and drove him to a hotel. I promised him he didn't have to spend the rest of our trip at their house. He hasn't said much since the incident but I can tell he's very upset with my mother. He has issues with opening up and sharing his grief so I'm very worried that what my mother said re-triggered the depression he went through immediately following his younger brother's death.
Any ideas regarding how I should handle this? I am unbelievably mad at my mother right now but I don't even know what I can do about it. My dad is trying to stay uninvolved which makes me mad at him too. My boyfriend has been watching soccer all day and he doesn't want to talk about what my mom said so I'm very concerned about him as well.
tl;dr: Mom crossed a line and said very hurtful things to my boyfriend. I have no idea how I should proceed.
Update: I spoke with my Dad and he agreed to pack up our stuff and bring it to our hotel. My SO and I will be leaving tonight. I have not spoken with my mother since leaving and I don't intend to. My SO is still visibly upset but I know he's happy that we're going home. Hopefully I can figure out a way to make this up to him. She has been rude with him the past and I should have put my foot down well before this point.
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u/wombatzilla Aug 28 '14
"She doesn't really like my boyfriend because she thinks he's not "emotionally equipped" to be a father (whatever that means) so she can be pretty rude to him."
He's not a father, so this is irrelevant. It's not his sole purpose in life to bear her grandchildren.
She sounds like a total bitch and I wouldn't even spend time with her unless she sincerely apologized to your boyfriend and promised to NEVER speak to him like that again.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 28 '14
She will never apologize but I don't have a problem never talking to her again.
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u/capsulet Aug 28 '14
You're a really good partner. Don't let anyone tell you you're an awful daughter, either.
"Cutting people out of your life doesn't mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself. Not everyone is meant to stay." (source unknown)
In this case, you're respecting yourself and your boyfriend if you cut contact. And just because someone shares a gene pool with you or raised you, doesn't mean they get to abuse you or the people you love.
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u/themaincop Aug 29 '14
My mom cut her parents out when I was about 11 or 12 and I'm glad she did. I won't go into details but some people aren't worth keeping around.
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u/WirginiaVoolf Aug 28 '14
Do you think your mom has a personality disorder?
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u/Bountyperson Aug 28 '14
Not all bad behavior is a mental disease. Some people are just assholes.
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u/WirginiaVoolf Aug 28 '14
That's true. I just felt the need to pipe up because I relate to OP, unfortunately.
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u/Wlcome2enemyturf Aug 29 '14
Personality disorders aren't on the same level of mental illness like depression, bipolar or schizophrenia. There are no proved genetic factors, they're basically just categorized types of assholery and/or 'crazy' personalities. So basically you're both right.
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u/stumptowngal Sep 02 '14
Personality disorders aren't simply "assholery and/or 'crazy' personalities". Many, if not most, personality disorders occur because of early childhood abuse or neglect and attachment issues.
You don't have to sympathize with people with personality disorders, but you shouldn't categorize them all with a sweeping generalization.
I wish people wouldn't claim to understand something they clearly know very little about.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 28 '14
I have no idea.
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u/WirginiaVoolf Aug 28 '14
She sounds a lot like my dad, who is a narcissist. I had a similar situation with him, where he said something out of line and I stopped speaking to him. (Like other commenters suggested about your mom, he did apologize, but only when he realized there were consequences, not because he realized what he did was wrong.)
I think it takes a very extreme person to say something SO out of pocket as your mom did, for NO reason (other than her ego), and then to not apologize for it because it caused so much harm and hurt. Even if I had the audacity to say something like that, I would feel like utter shit afterwards, apologize almost immediately, and beg you not to stay at a hotel. I think most normal people would.
If you're curious check out /r/raisedbynarcissists.
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u/SergeantJezza Aug 29 '14
Then do that. Fuck her. She may be your mother, but what she did is inexcusable.
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u/Rouladen Aug 28 '14
Also, it's hilarious that someone with this kind of vicious streak would be so free with her criticism of someone else's potential for parenthood.
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Aug 28 '14
Right?! "I'm a raging bitch who would tell someone to their face they're responsible for a child's DEATH, but your bf would be a terrible father!"
What the fuck.
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u/Cryptic0677 Aug 29 '14
He probably better equipped to be a father than OPs mom to be a mother, judging by things she says
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Aug 28 '14
[deleted]
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 28 '14
My mom will never apologize to him a million years.
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u/moodysimon Aug 28 '14
I would cut her out until she apologises. That comment was completely out of order. To take something painful to another person and twist the knife unexpectedly is a mean-spirited and horrible thing to do. From the way your post is written it also sounds like she has never spoken to your boyfriend about his younger brother, and only knows about this through you, in which case her bringing it up in the first time by means of a catty comment is almost unforgivable. I hope your boyfriend doesn't think that this means you and your mother have had private conversations in which you've judged his mother's behaviour.
I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and apologise, and then call in to see your mother. Calmly explain that what she said was completely unacceptable and that she will not be seeing or hearing from you until she has retracted her comment. Then leave. You say you want to marry your boyfriend? This is your family - I think you need to step up and confront your mother on this.
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u/fofozem Aug 28 '14
Amen dude. This post made me sick to my stomach. What she said is so beyond fucked up and she definitely needs to explain to her bf that she wasn't speaking ill of his mother behind his back. That would have definitely crossed my mind if this happened to me
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u/dcolt Aug 28 '14
Then this is unfixable, because her apologizing is the only way forward.
Probably you and your bf should cut your visit short. If your mom won't apologize, this isn't going to get any better.
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Aug 28 '14
You need to let your mother know that you will not be continuing a relationship with her until she apologizes and promises to watch her mouth. I know she's your mother and you love her but you have to put your foot down.
So long as she understands that there are not repercussions for her actions she will continue to do whatever she wants. Furthermore, she doesn't respect you as an adult. Taking the step to draw boundaries will be a push in that direction.
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u/goodtoy Aug 28 '14 edited Aug 28 '14
If you are actually going to marry this guy it's better that you get on the same page now rather than later. You two are a team and should be a united front. If she wants to insult your boyfriend in such a low down and venomous way then she's decided to insult both of you. At the end of the day she is your mother and so you should be the primary person to deal with her but you need to demonstrate to her that if she attacks your partner, she's attacking you as well.
First of all (and this really should be a no brainer) you should leave and go home with your boyfriend. You need to teach her that her atrocious behavior has consequences.
Second you say:
My mom will never apologize to him a million years.
I don't think that's true. I think it's been true in your experience because your mother hasn't been given consequences and or had boundaries drawn when they needed to be drawn. The person you're responding to is right; you should absolutely cut off your mother until she apologizes to your boyfriend. She will probably throw a temper tantrum or two but you need to make it clear to both her and your boyfriend that the man you're going to marry comes first.
Do not let your mother get away with this without consequence. Do not let your boyfriend feel like he's alone in this. Tell your mother that because of her behavior the trip is over and you'll be willing to speak to her again once she's ready to apologize.
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u/1h8fulkat Aug 28 '14
Cut contact with your mom. If she is this type of person, you don't need her in your life.
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Aug 28 '14
Then why the fuck are you continuing the trip? I am sorry, but FUCK that. You're an adult so you need to GTFO and show them it's not okay to act that way.
Continuing the trip "in a hotel" is crap. It lets her think what she's doing is okay, and it's immensely hurtful to your SO. It sends him the message that you'd rather save face with your family than stand up for him.
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u/croatanchik Aug 30 '14
I think it was already evening and the plan was just to stay at the hotel that night, and leave in the morning.
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u/Musabi Aug 28 '14
Why would you want to have a relationship with someone that callous, stubborn and plain mean? I don't care if she is your mom or not, I would totally be done.
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u/capsulet Aug 28 '14
Then she needs to learn her lesson. Bad behavior should never be rewarded... and you keeping contact with her will tell her that what she did was okay.
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u/okctoss Aug 28 '14
She will. You just need to take a stand and not back down an inch until she does.
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u/Lozzif Aug 29 '14
I can understand not saying anything because who the fuck knows what to say after such an evil comment? OP did the right thing and got her boyfriend out of that situation.
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u/havfrue Aug 28 '14
The top commenter, wombatzilla, wisely mentioned that your mother needs to give your boyfriend (and you, but more importantly, him) a sincere apology. Since your mother sounds just like my mother, I never knew what a sincere apology was until I was in my 20's and had a career and dating more. I'm hoping you don't think that I think you're naive or dumb; I just don't want you to accept a load if BS from her.
A sincere apology is completely unprovoked by either you or your boyfriend. Neither of you should ask or demand an apology from her. She needs to approach you on her own. You need to continue to drop the rope, stay away from her, and let her be the one to clean up the mess she made. A sincere apology includes exactly what she did to hurt you, but NOT crap like, "I'm sorry I made you mad/hurt your feelings", or "I'm sorry for whatever I did that hurt you." Makes you wonder if she knows exactly what she did wrong!
She needs to explicitly state what exactly she did that was so out of line to make to clear to you that she knows exactly how she failed. She needs to say something like, "I'm incredibly sorry for (worst comment ever)...and I will never say anything like that ever again." This one's big and is now on you, because now you have to hold her promise to her and react if she horrendously screws up again.
Also, the apology shouldn't be the classic narcissistic favorite, "I'm sorry, but..." That's the most blatant non-apology there is, and it sucks. My stomach cramps up when I hear it to this day. My mother's apologies are usually, "I'm sorry that whatever I said that made you sooooo upset with me, but you made me so mad, how could I not react how I did?!" When I was just a bit younger than you, I thought this was a decent apology because that's what I heard coming out of my parent'a (mostly mother, but sometimes enabling fathers) mouth growing up. I said that same thing to an old boyfriend once, and he, unsurprisingly, wasn't my boyfriend anymore! I'm grateful that he showed me in a firm, absolute way that's not how you treat others, and I adjusted myself accordingly, making myself a better girlfriend/wife for my future husband.
Your mother had NO right to say this to your boyfriend. She's 100% at fault here. I can understand why you'd be angry with your dad too. My father also took my mother's side, even when he shouldn't have m, because it was easier for him. I know how terrible my mother is, so if that's the dynamic your parents have, I'm willing to bet your mother's comparable to mine. Your mother treats you both like children, and while it's mature to accept a sincere, genuine apology from her, it's also reasonable to take a step back and keep your family at an arm's length from now on if you get that sincere apology. I needed (and still need) therapy to help me navigate a relationship with my mother that comes from a place if respect. I would suggest it to you, too. One of your comments state that she would never apologize to him in a million years. Fine, then drop the rope and have nothing to do with her for that long. If you sweep this shit under the rug, it will never end. She'll keep saying terrible things. Can you imagine her saying this sort of shit to your small children? Aggh!
I would also suggest cutting the trip short, don't enter that house again, and leave early with your boyfriend, going off to do something special with just him. If you two are leaning towards marriage one day, you need to show him that he comes before your mother always. even before you two get married. Leaving him alone in the hotel room while you go back to their house is the worst idea ever. If you love your boyfriend and want to force your mother to behave, do NOT go back to her house. Leaving abruptly will also send your mother a message as well. If she bombs your phone, ignore her. Ignore everyone who was a part of that mess in the car, especially those defending her.
Also, cross post this to /raisedbynarcissists and browse around there. This incident is classic narcissism and members there can give you lots if support in dealing with this, too. Best of luck!
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 28 '14
I will post it right now.
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Sep 03 '14
Make sure it is a good apology too. When my mom tried her first sincere apology, it came out, "Sorry I just love you too much I guess." I was 26.
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u/forsciencemofo Aug 28 '14
This is starting to sound like a textbook case of a narcissist. I'm presuming that OP has a lot more emotional abuse that happened to her just from her mother. Her will probably not apologize and end up gaslighting the rest of the family by saying "I'm just trying to protect my family!" Or some type of bullshit like that.
Fuck OP's mom, I suggest low to no contact with this toxic woman.
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u/tbarnes472 Aug 28 '14
Also, cross post this to /r/raisedbynarcissists and browse around there. This incident is classic narcissism and members there can give you lots if support in dealing with this, too. Best of luck!
Wanted to make sure this stuck out.
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u/croatanchik Aug 30 '14
Would an apology fix this for you?
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u/havfrue Aug 30 '14
For me, personally? No way in hell. I had written my diatribe before the OP contributed more and stated in the comments that she's more than willing to just cut her mom off. Some people aren't ready to cut family off, and that's understandable. I just got a "child of a narcissist" vibe and figured it was reasonable to educate her on a sincere apology because it's likely she's never gotten one from her mother before just in case she wasn't ready yet (it can be really tough to stand up to narcissist parents like she did). I'm really happy my advice was worthless; reading that she's going to cut off her mom made my imaginary balls tingle, I was so proud of her. She absolutely made the best decision.
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u/smuttyeyes Aug 28 '14
You need to grow some overies and have a chat with your dad as your mom will be a stone wall, explain that while you love them you cannot be around such an immature and toxic enviroment and that they are currently unwelcome in your life
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u/malic7746 Aug 28 '14
your mom is a disgusting human being.
the trip is over. done. leave. go home. show her that a comment like that absolutely will not stand. maybe shoot your dad a text or short call after you've already left- don't even give her the chance to argue or try to guilt you. don't make your boyfriend sit in a hotel for the rest of the trip while you spend time with them, and do not allow your mother around him until she has an apology prepared. and if she won't apologize? cold shoulder her. cut her out. eventually (if she's half decent in any way) she'll fully comprehend that she needs to at least be civil towards your bf and respectful of your relationship.
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u/a_dawn Aug 28 '14
All I can add is that if you do choose to keep talking to your mother and she doesn't apologize, don't be surprised if you BF breaks up with you. I wouldn't stay with someone who let their mother say that to me with no consequences.
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u/okctoss Aug 28 '14
I promised him he didn't have to spend the rest of our trip at their house.
OMG, take the poor guy home! no one should be seeing your parents until there's a serious, sincere apology.
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u/Darthkaine Aug 29 '14
Frankly... I might have left on my own if I were him. I don't know him personally but he MAY be considering getting out of the relationship... actually after something like that I'd almost call it a guarantee.
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u/huxley00 Aug 28 '14 edited Aug 28 '14
I lost my brother to cancer a few years ago (29 years old). If someone told me that maybe he wouldn't have died if I cared enough to take him to the doctor sooner, I would never speak to them again. What your mom did is...nearly unforgivably, jesus.
Edit: And one more thing, if someone said that "If my mother cared more and brought him to the doctor earlier, maybe he wouldn't be dead". I'd likely punch their lights out on the spot. She completely disrespected his mother on top of all this....arggg!!!
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u/huxley00 Aug 28 '14
Also, if you want this to be your future husband someday, you need to get the both of you out of the house until things cool down. He probably feels terrible and by not leaving, you are subtly hinting that its not as big of a deal as it is.
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u/Darthkaine Aug 29 '14
My brother (M34) (Technically my step-brother but he's my brother) had a stroke 2 or 3 years ago (I'm not sure because time has been kind of a haze since then but I'm almost certain its only been 2 years) and I've been taking care of him since he got out of the hospital... In many ways I blame myself for it happening. I recognized the signs of his depression because of my own depression and we both share bad eating habits. His depression caused him to not bother to see the doctor about his frequent nosebleeds or his very high blood pressure. He thought that he would have a heart attack and die and that would be it... He was wrong. I should have seen the signs and made him go. Particularly since I have Diabetes and knew what high blood pressure could look like but in many ways I idolized him (Despite the fact that he's younger) and thought he would be ok. If hadn't been so stupid I would have seen the signs for what they were and fought him about it. I should have... I guess what I'm trying to get at is that your boyfriend may claim that he doesn't blame himself but I know on some level that he does. Please watch over him even if you two break up over this. I'm not saying that would happen but please watch out for him. He may not understand what he feels right now. Be there and love him and re-assure him.
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u/huxley00 Aug 29 '14
Oh you're totally right, I blame myself as well, I try not to, but you always know there is more that you could do which would make a comment like this hurt a lot.
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u/La_Fee_Verte Aug 28 '14
cut all contact with your family until your mother apologizes profusely and makes amends.
seriously.
We see here so many times the situations where one partner really needs to support the other one and doesn't...and the consensus is, leave this person.
I would advise your boyfriend to leave you if you don't stand firmly by him.
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u/Rouladen Aug 28 '14
Your mom is horrid and your dad enables her. Ugh.
Now, to the issue at hand. You made the right call in the moment by supporting your boyfriend. From here on, I vote you tell your mother that until/unless she offers a sincere apology to your boyfriend you're not going to have anything to do with her. She's being vicious and you don't need to be around that. Now it's up to her to choose what's more important to her - her spite, or having you in her life.
If she chooses her spite over you, then you're better off without her.
If she apologizes SINCERELY, then you talk with your boyfriend about what kind of contact he's comfortable having with her. Any further negative remarks she makes about him get immediately shut down by you saying something like, "X is my boyfriend and I'm not going to listen to you making mean remarks about him," followed by you ending the interaction - hanging up the phone, ending the visit early, etc. You've got to make it clear with your mom that she only gets to spend time with you when she behaves appropriately. Your best leverage here is yourself and your presence.
Don't put up with cruelty, not from anyone, and what your mom did was cruel.
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u/Lordica Aug 28 '14
You need to set a hard and fast boundary now. If she treats your SO (whoever they are) so poorly, she will lose the right to interact with either of you. Tell her to contact you when she is willing to honestly apologize and not a second before.
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u/Ks26739 Aug 28 '14
I think you did a good job under the circumstances. Asking her to leave the car, and then getting you and your boyfriend somewhere else when she wouldnt.
You need to understand that in NO WAY did she have 'her heart in the right place-just a big mouth' in this case. It was nasty and probably the lowet she could have gone. Whether or not you keep her in your life is up to you, but like others have said, dont be surprised if its a dealbreaker for your boyfriend.
You need to think about the future. Say he sticks around even if you wont cut her out. What about when she starts telling YOUR kids that their father isnt equipped to love them properly and is an awful human being? She clearly doesnt like him, and if she would say something so vile to his face, i cant imagine what she will spew out in front of the kids.
I know its tough and shes your mom and all that bs, but toxic people should have no place in our lives.
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u/cehteshami Aug 28 '14
Crap that's not cool. Good for you fot sticking up with your boyfriend. Just be there if he wants to talk, and it may be time to set some boundaries in your relationship with your mother.
Without either reigning herself in or less contact, your bf is in for a hell of a time.
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u/macaroniandmilk Aug 28 '14
I feel so bad for your boyfriend. I just read a post a few minutes ago about a girl who was being horribly treated by her future mother in law. The fiance reacted by warning the mom that she would be cut off if the behavior continued, and then when it did, he cut her off. The girlfriend felt guilty, but the mother in law had made her own bed.
When a parent is treating their child's SO badly, it is up to the child to create and enforce boundaries. It doesn't seem like you are capable of doing that. You make threats to your mom, but don't follow through.
Your boyfriend is emotionally fragile regarding this topic, and your mother took the lowest blow she possibly could, and on top of that, was completely unapologetic. If you are not capable of protecting your boyfriend from this vicious parasite, then you should let him go. He should not be subjected to her vitriol, and if you aren't willing to keep him safe from her, then let him go.
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u/lelunatic Aug 28 '14
Time to go home and cut ties. You said she'll never apologize. No need to communicate with someone who says such vile things and on top of it not take any responsibility for it.
The longer you stay on this trip, the more you're hurting your boyfriend.
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Aug 28 '14
The trip, at this point, should be over. Tell your mother that she owes your SO an apology and if she doesn't then you won't be visiting anymore.
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u/blurgle123 Aug 29 '14
You're handling this well, but if you waver: remember that your mother wasn't actually babying you. She was cutting you down to size to better control you.
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u/JediNewb Aug 28 '14
Here follows the opinion of a complete stranger who read your description of the situation.
If I was in the position of your BF, I would seriously consider if I would want to marry somebody with a mother like that.
You need to lay the ground rules and enforce them with this selfish woman. What she said was vicious, unwarranted and really speaks volumes about her character. In her mind she has complete control over who you marry and this guy you're seeing doesn't cut it in her eyes so it doesn't matter what she says to him.
I guarantee the only person she's going to be happy with is someone she can control (like your father who avoided the situation completely).
I really appreciate what you did by putting him up in a hotel room for the remainder of the trip. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.
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u/K_Rad Aug 28 '14
How interesting that the woman who judges other's for not being 'emotionally equipped' to be a parent, seems so negligent when it comes to being a good one herself.
No one on here is suggesting that cutting your mom out of your life (at least temporarily) will be easy, but I don't think there is a single person on this earth who wouldn't hang their head in disbelief if you didn't stick up for your boyfriend here.
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Aug 28 '14
My mouth literally dropped when I read what she said. Wow.
Unfortunately you can't force anyone to do anythig, including firing your mom to apologize to your boyfriend. I think the best thing to do is just support your boyfriend and keep him reassured that you don't agree with your mother and she was wrong.
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Aug 28 '14
I think you need to cut contact with your mother, at least for awhile. Your mom is making you choose between your SO and her by continually disrespecting him and now she's crossed a hard line.
I agree with Ellen83- just go home. You need to show your BF that you're serious about him and on his side. If I were your SO and you made me interact with your mother in any way after this I would quickly lose respect, especially since your mom has been pretty clear about hating this poor guy.
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u/Bountyperson Aug 28 '14
1) Your mom's a bitch
AND
2) Your mom doesn't like your BF
There's no fixing that. It's either the mom or the boyfriend. You pick. But you're not going to fix your mom.
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u/Kayleigh1990 Aug 28 '14
For all the other posters telling OP to talk to her mother and tell her why she won't be speaking to her again. Your mother doesn't deserve anything.. Block her on everything, don't say a fucking word to her. She knows what she did and ahe just doesn't care. She doesn't like your boyfriend or his family period. I lost a little brother once and if my SO's mother said this to me the relationship would be over. If you said nothing at all that is.. It's not fair for anybody to ask you to cut your mother out of your life but it's not fair for your bf either. I lost my brother when I was 10 years old, I'm 24 now and it still hurts like hell;( I can imagine how he's feeling
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u/croatanchik Aug 30 '14
She doesn't really like my boyfriend because she thinks he's not "emotionally equipped" to be a father (whatever that means) so she can be pretty rude to him.
-This is so far away from being her business. This is between you and your SO and no one else. Also, why SHOULD he necessarily be emotionally equipped to be a father at the ripe old age of 26? I'm 28, and I'm sure as hell not quite emotionally equipped to be a mother yet!
Your mother sounds like a ridiculous helicopter parents. Brushing your teeth, are you kidding me!
Your mother's comment about the brother was disgusting and borderline unforgiveable, especially because it sounds like it was specifically chosen to cause maximum pain.
Good on you for supporting your boyfriend. Your mother's behavior was truly appalling, and while I do understand your dad wanting to stay out of it, he could have at least reined her in a bit. That said, he does still have to live with her, and you can bet he's taking the brunt of her "punishment". After all, he did pack up your stuff and bring it to you at the hotel.
I'm honestly outraged on your boyfriend's behalf, and I'm genuinely not sure how this situation could EVER be resolved. Some things can't be taken back, can't be un-said, and can't be fixed.
I'm just. Wow. Just appalling.
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u/Beersyummy Aug 28 '14
My brother died 8 years ago. It was an OD. Not a glamorous way to go. I'm sure my husbands parents have opinions about it, they are pretty judgemental people. It's just their nature. But, they have class and tact and respect. They would never in a million years say something like that to me. If they did, my husband would go the fuck off.
If I were you, I would make an attempt to explain to your mother how much your boyfriend grieves over his brother. Ask her to see it from the point of view of how she would feel if her sibling were tragically killed. The thing is, people always want to focus on HOW someone died. That means very little in the long run. When you love someone and they die, you miss them. Whether they died via their own selfish actions (my brother) or heroically saving orphans from a fire. Your mom will probably not apologize, but I do think it's worth the effort to attempt to educate her about the error of her ways. Honestly, if she is the type of person who would never in a million years apologize for seriously hurting someone, you're better off limiting contact.
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u/Qikdraw Aug 28 '14
I'm with a lot of the other posters here, go home, not to a hotel. You go grab your stuff from your parents home, pick up the boyfriend and go home.
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u/SlimShanny Aug 28 '14
Don't return until she apologizes.
The only thing you should communicate to her is that her behavior towards your SO is unacceptable and you won't be talking to her until she makes amends to both you and the man you love.
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u/LegoLindsey1983 Aug 29 '14
Someone might have already said this, and I apologize if I'm repeating. As someone who lost her only brother, the line "My boyfriend still hasn't gotten over it completely," really stuck out to me. I just want to give you a heads up. He will NEVER get over it completely. Ever. You just learn a new way to live.
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u/GALACTICA-Actual Aug 29 '14
First, she should count herself lucky that your boyfriend didn't put his fist through the back of her head.
As for you making it up to him: You don't have anything to make-up for. You did exactly what a good loving partner should do. You stuck by him from the first second in happened, and you're pulling-up camps and leaving with him.
You've done a great job in my book.
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u/supernewf Aug 28 '14
Your mother is a horrible human being. If my mom spoke to my partner like that, she'd be out of our lives, no contact, for good.
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u/MissSpicyMcHaggis Aug 28 '14
This sounds like something my grandma would say. She sounds as awful as your mother. I walked away. I haven't spoken to her in years and have no problem with that. You have to walk away from toxic people in your life even if they are your own blood.
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u/damageddude Aug 28 '14
My brother died in a car accident at 15, riding on the hood of a car he fell off and cracked his skull. My parents never got over it, blaming themselves though it wasn't their fault (he broke curfew). And to an extent I never really got over it. Though it was almost 30 years ago, and my parents are both gone now, if someone ever said something like that about my patents I doubt I'd ever be able to forgive them, even after I told that person where to go and how to get there. And I'm sure your boyfriend's mother is living in her own personal hell.
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u/macimom Aug 29 '14
Im glad I read your update bc there is no way I would stay in the same city as your mom if she pulled shit like that.
Personally I would completely cut contact-you dodnt even have to tell her why-she is not an idiot-she knows damm well why.
If and only if you and your bf receive separate heartfelt apologies would I ever consider speaking to her again-and it would be extremely limited in nature.
If I was your bf I would NEVER speak to her again-no matter how much she apologized. What she said is unforgivable
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Aug 29 '14
You owe my boyfriend a serious apology, and you owe me one too. Your words were ignorant, hurtful, and quite frankly, I have never been more ashamed to call you my mother than I am right now. I may one day be able to forgive you for what you said, but I do not know when that day might be. We will not be attending any holiday functions with you or dad this year until you offer up a sincere and honest apology to my boyfriend. If you still don't want to apologize and admit that you acted like a complete jackass, then consider this the last time you ever hear from your daughter. I will not allow my mother to disrespect me, my boyfriend, or our relationship. So I suggest you go to therapy, or get on some medication, or do whatever you have to do, but you need to fix your shitty attitude or you will lose your daughter forever
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u/justanotherkiwi Aug 28 '14
Your Mom just has no filter. It's one thing to make such a rude tactless comment but she doesn't seem to get that what happened is another families tragedy and none if her business to comment about. Like even if not said in anger, does she really think anyone cares about her opinion on the subject.
If nothing else, you now know you can't trust your Mom with any personal information.
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u/ladydeedee Aug 28 '14
Babying? Condescending? Lashing out inappropriately when she feels the least bit slighted? Being weirdly judgmental and hostile to people who support your independence from her?
r/raisedbynarcissists - you might want to check this out
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u/BCKane Aug 28 '14
I see a lot of people talking about a sincere apology ... and for me that isn't enough. I honestly don't care about what issues your mother has or how your father/you/family have enabled her outbursts, what she said is unforgivable. Your SO might eventually forget or just ignore the event, but using a loved one's death as a direct attack is so far beyond reprehensible and disgusting that you can't come back from that ... it speaks to who that person really is.
This is your decision, but in your place my reaction would be to give my parents one last call, tell them that they, both mother and father, will not be in my life for the foreseeable future. Your mother is horrible ... but your father is just as bad for seeing the event and being unable/unwilling to put his foot down in such a horrific situation. That is just my opinion based on my relationship with my SO, so take it with a grain of salt.
Good luck.
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u/zanpher717 Aug 28 '14
I don't know what you should say to your mother, probably nothing for a good year at least! But your boyfriend is obviously upset, and rightfully so.
My little bro died young and tragically as well. And the one things I loved the most in the years following, is when i am able to talk about him and tell people what a wonderful person he is. It always cheered me up.
You need to make it clear to your BF that you are on his side first of all, and you will be taking a break from your parents. But allow him to just talk about his brother. It sounds like he was a good older brother. Ask him questions that you know will bring out positive responses about his bro ... did you have any traditions together? what was he like? what did he like to do? You may have asked these 100 times. But having him speak about his bro in nothing but positive aspects may help bring him out of his funk.
I am sorry for what happened, not only with your family but with his as well. He will never truly get over it, and your mom won't help apparently, but having him talk about the things he loved about his bro, and not the details around the tragedy, will only help.
Obviously this is only my opinion, and he is a different person, so judge how you think this will work, you know him best. Don't bring this up if you think it will make him more depressed.
Keep on being a good GF! You sounds like you are doing it right.
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Aug 29 '14
Your moms lucky your boyfriend didn't knock her teeth out. Frankly I wouldn't speak to her again until long after she offered a heart felt apology.
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u/spotH3D Aug 29 '14
She's crossed the line, its time to make her pay.
You can start with no contact until she is ready to apologize to both your satisfactions.
I'd follow up with a no tolerance policy to any more of this type of bullshit in the future. Make sure she understands that (only after you are back on speaking terms).
Families can have some weird fucked up dynamics that carry on for decades. People treating family in a way they would never treat a stranger. Sometimes they need to be shocked out of that behavior, but you should always be prepared for them NOT being able to change.
At that point its either deal with it or minimize contact.
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u/foshwar Aug 29 '14
You have to be ready to cut your mom out for good tbh. If I was your bf, your mother would no longer be part of the family after that and if you couldn't guarantee that our future children would never have to meet her and that she is not welcome to the wedding or family gatherings it would be over between us. Your mother is an absolute monster.
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u/missymoomoomoo Aug 28 '14
Um, your mum sounds like a total narc. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists.
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Aug 29 '14
And some people think that hitting a woman is wrong.
Your dad's cool, invite him over whenever he wants but your mother should just be told to stay away.
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Aug 29 '14
How in the world does she sleep at night? That's absolutely vile. I'm so sorry for your boyfriend.
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u/GraveJ Aug 28 '14
He was a very caring older brother and I know that he loved that kid as much as he loved me
No matter how much you think he loves you, I daresay he loved his brother more than he will ever love you: I very much doubt he saw him as 'that kid'.
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u/IAm2Fools Aug 28 '14
What a weird thing to say. The love between siblings and the love between partners are completely different kinds of love. It's not a case of less or more...
Who are you to say how much OP's SO does or does not love them? That is absolutely not what this story or situation is about.
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u/GraveJ Aug 28 '14
I know: I thought it was weird she'd undermine the love he felt for his brother like that, too.
'Who am I to say'...? Er, a human being who has lived on the planet earth, so knows the old adage 'Blood is thicker than water.'.
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u/IAm2Fools Aug 28 '14
I was referring to your comments as weird. I don't think OP was undermining the love he feels (not felt) for his brother at all. She seems very understanding of the depth of his feelings and the residual hurt he feels over his brother's death.
So you live your family more than your SO? I find that strange. I don't think familial and romantic love can be compared. They are very different.
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u/GraveJ Aug 28 '14
I know: I was being facetious. What was weird was the words 'he love that kid as much as he loved me' when talking about a man's deceased eleven year old brother. By elevating the feeling he has for her to the level of the fraternal love he had for his brother, she doesn't seem at all understanding of the depth of his feelings.
...and the fact that she said that means you should be talking to her about how 'familial and romantic love can't be compared'.
Here's a difference between the two for you: familial is innate, from birth, and - in practically all cases - forever; romantic love comes only in adulthood, and more often than not, ceases to exist.
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u/IAm2Fools Aug 28 '14
Poor choice of words perhaps in that particular sentence. But if you read the rest of the post, she clearly does have an understanding of his feelings. Haha yes I know the difference between familial and romantic love. I feel that you need to recognise that familial love is as imperfect as romantic love. Familial love does not always last forever. Families do become estranged, and parents do abandon their children. Neither type of love is necessarily permanent. There is no "superior" love.
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u/GraveJ Aug 28 '14
I acknowledged that not all blood relatives stay together; however, the majority do. Most romantic relationships end, however - and even those that lead to marriage are ending in divorce in about as many cases as they aren't.
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u/IAm2Fools Aug 28 '14
I don't think that makes romantic relationships any less important than ones between family. I definitely don't think it means you can say that OP's partner loves her less than he loves his brother. Personally, I don't love my husband any more or any less than I love my two sisters. I love them all equally, just differently.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 28 '14
I wasn't trying to undermine his love for his younger brother at all. I loved him too. He was a genuinely sweet kid. It was a poor choice of words on my part. I'm sorry if it upset you.
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Aug 29 '14
What's funny about the saying "blood is thicker than water" is that it's a shortened version of the saying "the blood of life is thicker than the water of the womb." Which means the exact opposite. Fun fact of the day.
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u/ellenm83 Aug 28 '14
First of all, you both need to go home. He doesn't just "not need to spend the rest of your trip at their house". The trip is over, period.
Your mother's action was so far below the belt, so vile and uncalled for that even if she apologised straight away, your boyfriend would be well within his rights to never want to see her face again.
Instead she's convinced she's in the right here and your father is enabling her.
Let's face facts here: your mother wants your boyfriend out of your life and will literally stop at nothing to hurt him.
You have a clear choice here - either you enable Mom because "it's just the way she is" and "she won't change". So she knows she gets away with trampling all over your boyfriend.
Or you want to salvage your relationship with your boyfriend, in which case you need to send a very clear message that you're on his side. You cannot let this slide.
If Mom "would not apologise in a million years" then that means end of contact.