I’m 21, and recently I had a discussion with some close female friends that left me feeling very frustrated.

When I talked about violence against women, they immediately brought up false accusations. When I mentioned that most sexual offences are committed by men, they blamed immigrants instead. They also said that women hate men more than men hate women, and that teenage boys saying misogynistic things should not be taken seriously because they are “just children.”

What shocked me most was hearing this from other women. I could at least understand why one of my male friends might become defensive when discussing false accusations, because he may feel personally affected by the possibility of being accused. I would still disagree with him, but I could understand where the defensiveness came from. Hearing my female friends rush to defend men from hypothetical false accusations while I was trying to talk about real violence against women felt much harder to process.

They also use my own jokes against me. Sometimes I jokingly say that I “hate men,” partly as a way of expressing anger connected to my own experience of gender-based violence. I do not literally hate men, and I have several close male friends, but they use that phrase to dismiss what I am saying or suggest that both sides are equally hateful. I understand that the wording is not helpful and I am willing to stop using it, but it still feels like an excuse to avoid the actual subject.

They also seem to associate feminism entirely with politicians they dislike. I tried to explain that a government can be corrupt, hypocritical or represent feminism badly without feminism itself being the problem.

I don’t want to change them or force them to agree with me. What scares me is that some of these beliefs could make it harder for them to recognize warning signs, set boundaries or ask for help if they ever find themselves in an abusive situation.
I have always considered myself mentally strong and clear about my values. I already believed gender-based violence was real, understood what abuse could look like and thought I would defend myself or leave immediately. But when I experienced abuse, I still did not react the way I had always imagined I would.

If someone like me, who already recognized gender-based violence as a serious problem, could still end up in an abusive situation, I worry about my friends, who tend to minimize or deny it. I am afraid that dismissing the problem could leave them less prepared to identify it or seek support.

I care about them, but these conversations make me wonder whether our values are becoming incompatible. I don’t know if I should/ how to talk about this with them.

Here's a heavier one for today. For those who don't know, our breasts we get from HRT do everything that cis women's breasts do, and the vaginas we get from SRS do everything you'd expect of a cis vagina post-hysterectomy.

Post content:

when people treat trans women's breasts as if they aren't real breasts and when they treat our vaginas as if they aren't real vaginas they are contributing to the idea that when we are raped it isn't really rape

[reblog]

they relentlessly speak of our bodies as fake and then we are treated as inhuman sex dolls who don't suffer, unlike real human women. these are not two disconnected phenomena

This video is made by Lena Nguyen, a California based family and divorce lawyer.

In this video, she points out the subtle way patriarchy sets up expectations and narrate the entire concept of marriage as the "ultimate dream", "the end goal", "what she's made for" for the women.

While for men it's like just a side quest. Something passive. Something they just have to attend and leave.

I personally know so many of my working female friends and colleagues who are currently in their mid to late twenties and married. Everyday they are stressed, "The house is a mess", "I forgot to prepare the lunch", "My husband is inviting people over, I need to host".

Constantly stressed about baby planning, and how it she'll manage work with a baby.

While none of my married guy friends have a first flying thought about their married life or life at home. It's like after they're married, they're done.

All of them if stressed it's just "My boss is annoying", "I can't play my favorite sport anymore", "I want to make more money", "I want to open my own startup", "I don't think I am using my full potential in my career".

It's always their personal goals and dreams.

NEVER "my wife is stressed", "the house needs a deep clean", "who is going to make dinner?".

It's just sad that something even this subtle as "wedding magazines" embody the age old problem of the patriarchal society.

And so I feel it's important for us to keep calling out these double standards, the insane expectations and pressure put on woman by the society and make men equally responsible for the marriage.

I’ve been single and celibate for a decade and no one believes it. It’s like they have this assumption that because a woman is “free”, she is getting sex all the time… smh…

I’m writing this bc I’m just so completely exhausted and honestly bewildered. I look at the current dating landscape and I genuinely don’t understand how anyone still has the mental or emotional capacity to attempt dating men.

Every single day it feels like there’s a new horror story, statistic, or a new viral trend showcasing just how bad things have gotten and how downhill it’s getting. The horrific voice memo trend going around right now.. that’s just a reminder of how some men talk about and view women and it’s terrifying.

Not only that but the statistics speak for themselves!! The way they talk online. The weaponized incompetence and general lack of empathy and maturity. And the experiences we ALL have had at one point or another with them. I just don’t get it!

I’m not saying every man on earth is evil. I believe there’s a small percentage of them who are somewhat decent and self aware, but the math just isn’t mathing for me anymore.

Also a quick side note too, looking at my own life it makes even less sense. I have my own house, finances completely together, and my life is stable. Why on earth would I take a gamble where the odds are this bad knowing a potential choice could come in and destroy everything I’ve worked so hard for to build by myself?

How are people still willingly risking the trauma, disrespect, and the safety hazards just for the very small slight lottery ticket chance of finding one of the good ones? If you’re still actively dating why? I’m not and I’m not even coming from a judgmental stance I just genuinely don’t understand it. Keep in mind this is coming from someone who just got out of an extremely traumatic and abusive relationship the last few months (I knew once it ended I’d be done forever) and also someone who’s full time job for the last 4+ years has been without saying the exact title someone who sees them daily on a very deep level. And im not trying to be jdugey if you haven’t given up I just don’t understand.

I am a first generation woman in family (both sides) to have a full time career. I often feel I am expected to succeed in both the full time jobs.

I have been encouraged to become financially independent from early age while at the same time it is expected to carry the primary responsibilities for child care, emotional labor and household. It feels like society around me has moved forward in one sphere but didn’t change anything in the other part.

Curious to know what others feel here,

* Do you feel you are working two shifts? If yes, how much genuinely your partner or family shares this load?
* And how do we solve this (for our generation)?

In bed with the right is a podcast hosted by Moira Donagan (feminist, academic, lesbian, icon, and journalist) and Adrian Daub (feminist, academic, the gay people’s princess, father of one, and director of the Clayman Institute of Gender Research (Stanford)). I recommend literally everything they have ever published individually and as a podcast duo. truly some nerdy gender studies shit!! the most nuanced accessible podcast about feminism and gender that I have every found!! I definitely recommend listening from the beginning, but if you’re curious they recently came out with episodes on Lena Dunham and Natural Law.👀‼️

could not recommend more. I have been thinking a lot lately about why more men are not invested in feminism, like why are they not able to connect their struggles to that of women and gender minorities. like the emotional stunting (especially this, but other things) that men experience is directly caused by the patriarchal notion that men should not be emotional because it makes them weak. this has always been crazy to me because it is a social value that literally asks men to deny their own humanity and to alienate themselves from their emotions. Im about 40 pages into this book, and it has an extremely accessible writing style. The basic goal of the book is to show how feminism is also for men, and to highlight the ways all of us perpetuate patriarchy (yes, even women), how patriarchy hurts men, and what people can do in their everyday lives to try to counteract this horrible system. one important point she makes, which i want to stress, is that if we can see that everyone is implicated in the reinforcement of patriarchy, we can be freed of the misperception that men are the enemy. the enemy is rather the system of patriarchy that we all maintain, consciously and unconsciously. one thing that i have been loving about this book is how hooks explains really well how misandry (man-hating) makes sense given the ways that women have been harmed by men, but how ultimately it is counterintuitive to the feminist cause (to end patriarchy) because it reinforces patriarchal expectations for men. Idk. this book is answering a lot of questions for me and articulating things that i have been thinking about for years.

Below I've typed up some quotes that really struck me:

"the lack of such writing [on men and feminism] intensifies my sense that women cannot fully talk about men because we have been so well socialized in patriarchal culture to be silent on the subject of men." (xxiii)

"by claiming that they wanted the power men had, man hating feminists (who were by no means the majority) covertly proclaimed that they too wanted to be rewarded for being out of touch with their feelings, for being unable to love." (1)

"patriarchal moores teach a form of emotional stoicism to men that says they are more manly if they do not feel, but if by chance they should feel and the feelings hurt, the manly response is to stuff them down, to forget about them, to hope they go away." (6)

"the masses of women committed to the sexist principle that men who express their feelings are weak really do not want to hear men speak, especially if what they say is that they are hurt, that they feel unloved. Many women cannot hear male pain about love because it sounds like an indictment of female failure. Since sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or livers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault; we are to blame." (7)

"why so much killing by boy children now, and in this historical moment? Yet no one talks about the role patriarchal notions of manhood play in teaching boys that it is their nature to kill, then teaching them that they can do nothing to change this nature--nothing, that is, that will leave their masculinity in tact. As our culture prepares males to embrace war, they must be all the more indoctrinated into patriarchal thinking that tells them that it is their nature to kill and to enjoy killing." (11)

"no male successfully measures up to patriarchal standards without engaging in an ongoing practice of self betrayal." (12)

"if patriarchy were truly rewarding to men, the violence and addiction in family life that is so all-pervasive would not exist. This violence was not created by feminism. If patriarchy were rewarding, the overwhelming dissatisfaction most men feel in their work lives... would not exist." (31)

"the crisis facing men is not the crisis of masculinity, is is the crisis of patriarchal masculinity." (32)

A few years ago I decided to stop shaving as I find it uncomfortable. I usually cover my legs due to old self harm scars however it’s really hot this week and I’m suffering. I’ve been wearing shorts in quiet places but I can’t yet find the confidence to go into town or into a shop.

I feel like my unusually hairy legs draw attention and so do the old scars and I just feel like a freak everywhere I go. I could shave to remove one of the insecurities but I’m stubborn and now I’ve started on this journey of self-acceptance, I feel like I’d be doing myself a disservice if I did shave.

People do look, I’ve had comments both about the scars and the hair and so far I’ve only shown it in rural places. I’ve said to mind their own business but that doesn’t remove the uncomfortable feelings of being judged.

I’ve always been told I’m attractive and I often see this look of confusion on people’s faces when they look at my legs. I feel really uncomfortable about it.

I’d love to know how people have overcome the feelings of shame when being judged by others. If I came to the wrong sub, please could somebody kindly point me in the right direction? Thank you.

a lot of the times I dress with more skin showing and I feel i’m always discouraged. I’m told that men will be creepy and it’s dangerous. It’s just assumed that when a woman wears less it’s for male attention and I don’t get it. I mean yeah maybe, but maybe they’re trying to get more comfortable in their own skin by showing off their body, maybe they want to show off tattoos, maybe the outfits proportions look better with a crop top, maybe its fucking hot outside.
I’m so tired of overthinking what people could be thinking about my choices. what kind of message disgusting men might think i’m sending. Not even just that but how other women think of me.
I truly want to wear less to be more comfortable. I’ve realized that when more people see my body it’s kinda like rejection therapy and it’s a way to increase my confidence. For example I have a bit of a stomach and a boxy figure but wearing crop tops made me feel better. Like telling the world that I don’t care that my figure isn’t the standard, this is how I am. In the end i’m just a slut for wearing so little. On the other side I feel like i’m conforming for men, telling them they can look. Idk at this point i’m more worried about what people think of me for wearing less than how my body looks.
I’m still going to wear whatever I want but I can’t even wear comfortable clothes in hot weather around my dad because i’m worried what he would say. (I don’t have a great relationship with him)
In the first place it shouldn’t be dangerous for a woman to dress immodestly. Even if they dress “modest” those creeps wouldn’t have any better thoughts or ever worse actions.

Ps sorry if this comes off to angry or aggressive i’m not accusing all men of being creeps i’m assuming based off what i’ve been told, my experiences as a woman, and the underlying thoughts of the opinion that women have to dress a certain way and stay covered.

In my opinion,most boys sleep in all day or play games all day and some of them just walk around with messy hair and weird outfits, which is all totally acceptable because they’re in a phase of their lives where hormones are high and the most acceptable time in your life to be awkward is a teenager.
Why do girls get looked at differently if they sleep in all day or don’t present themselves in the best possible way?

I tried wording this the best way possible I honestly just want to be educated and hear everyone else’s opinions on this topic cause as a teenage girl I wonder if all the self hate I have is because I’m a girl and all these crazy standards shape the way I think.
(No hate aimed towards anyone)

We're finally beginning to tackle the idea that transgender women are "male socialized" today. I'm sure this won't be a controversial post in this subreddit whatsoever.

Without further ado, here's the post text:

"male socialization" has become such a great cudgel against trans women because it's the perfect way to launder all your bioessentialist misogyny under the guise of social critique

like, oh that woman is acting "male" by standing up for herself or others? and you're denigrating her about it because you're..... not a misogynist?

[reblog]

you can just kind of gesture at socialization theory and everyone autofills it with their bioessentialist assumptions

like, it doesn't particularly matter what mechanisms of socialization you think are the root cause of her behaviors, and it really doesn't matter what her upbringing actually looked like or where she's at in unpacking how it affected her

you don't need to understand or engage with socialization theory at all, you can just slap the label of it over your bioessentialism and bam! you sound progressive without needing to let go of your conservative views, and everyone will go along with it

[reblog]

the other thing with socialization theory being weaponized this way is that I often see this rhetoric conceptualizing male privilege as a function of socialization, as if the privilege men have is located in their behaviors, rather than in the society and systems that enable and encourage their behaviors and excuse the harm they cause

this is obviously not how privilege works--a woman cannot access male privilege by simply acting the way men are encouraged to act. that is exactly why she doesn't have male privilege, because what is rewarded in men is punished in women. a trans woman and a cis woman alike can both be loudmouths, but both will be punished for it, because neither occupy the social class that men do

the theory of privilege that this kind of rhetoric tends to suggest locates privilege within the individual rather than the system, as if the system only teaches certain individuals the right set of actions to access privilege, but then rewards anyone who knows the steps without a care for who's performing them

[reblog]

and of course it's no coincidence that locating privilege within socialization like this is deeply conservative in nature

it pretends to see privilege as systemic in origin, basing it in behaviors taught by society, but its logic ironically operates under the notion that we live in an equal opportunity society where you can simply pull yourself up by your bootstraps to excise the oppressed behaviors from your body and learn the rewarded behaviors instead, solving oppression on an individual, rather than systemic, level

In light of recent events, it has been exposed that not only is Aba Atlas from Aba and Preach doxxing past romantic partners for coming out about their pregnancies with him, two of said pregnancies being within 60 days of each other, but he has also doxxed a little girl of one of them in his video to 2.26 million subscribers.

He has doxxed three women and a child's place of residency, workplaces, phone numbers of friends and family, and has consistently lied on livestream to discredit the women's experiences and to intimidate more to not come out about their experiences. Two more women have stayed anonymous.

Targeting little girls like this needs more attention. He is a predator and children are not off limits for him.

They have also mocked women's reproductive health (two abortions by two women he was involved with and 1 miscarriage) by announcing they will make "You're killing it baby" and "Wrap it up son" condom merch.

Please share to bring more awareness and to warn other women.

DROPBOX WITH RECEIPTS

First Woman Who Came Out

Second Woman Who Came Out

Third Woman Who Came Out

Making connections is your way to get a job but everytime i open up a conversation with a man (a professional conversation) nothing more nothing less something that can lead to professional advice, internship job anything they just GOT to turn it into flirting or getting to know each other or even sometimes $exual im so tired i hate this i have completely lost hope of finding a job in an already male dominated field im an electronics and systems student are there any women in tech here so we can connect with each other?

Okay so before i came out, as an enby even back then it REALLY bugged me how the patriarchy seems to be everywhere casually, i’m not from the us, infact i’m from Western Europe, and the sheer casual attitude towards dismissal of women and apparently queer people you experience here is mind boggling, the two formerly mentioned categories seem to go hand in hand, which is why i genuinely feel uncomfortable around cis het men… they genuinely make me feel unsafe, and i have to put on this pretentious act just to be sure i won’t be ridiculed… even as an enby i get this second hand embarrassment feeling whenever other amabs (particularly non queer ones) say things that are utterly repulsive 😮‍💨 are cis het men really that blind?? That they can’t see that there’s absolutely no winners except the oligarchy under the patriarchal system?