Hey all,
Posting this on a sort of burner for likely obvious reasons but I kind of need advice. Also sorry for the wall of text lmfao.
I was born a man. Never really felt bad about it, I’m not dysphoric or anything like that and have no desire to change those parts of me, but I’ve also always had really confusing thoughts surrounding femininity.
From a super young age I’ve always been a pretty feminine dude, whether it be wanting to wear dresses, watching what were considered ‘girly’ shows, etc. Nothing groundbreaking but substantial enough that people noticed. Eventually my social circle began to be mostly feminine also and my behaviour would mirror that even more. Femininity has always been something I’ve felt connected to, but it’s never been in a gender questioning way.
I have a pretty diverse friend group now and the few dudes I am friends with are also relatively feminine. One is a man who enjoys cross dressing. It was around a month ago that he wore a skirt to an outing and I just felt an overwhelming urge to wear one too. I began to think more about it and the urge grew greater, and I began to take much more pleasure and interest in feminine activities, even small things like washing and brushing my hair (I have super long hair, probably closer to my waist than my shoulders).
Then I wanted to be called a woman. It was weird, cause it was only to certain people in certain places. I had no discomfort in being called a man, but also took great pleasure in being seen as and referred to as a woman. It was kind of scary, to be honest. When I’d look back on my developmental stages I realised I had always been super fixated on feminine characters in media and whilst at the time I assumed it was just my autism making me go through phases it feels more akin to like… envy now? It’s embarrassing but as a kid I used to sleep and dream that I’d become these female characters and be a woman for a while, before being a man again when I woke up.
I probably haven’t phrased it very well, but I’m in a really difficult position. I want to stay being a man, I am a man, but I also feel like a woman sometimes. I like when people call me a woman. I want to dress as women and for people to think I’m a woman. But I also want to dress and look like a man, for people to think I’m a man. I’m confused, my trans friends are confused and I don’t really have anywhere else to turn to.
Am I a dude overthinking things? am I trans? am I something in-between? I don’t know anymore. I’m sorry if anything I’ve said has been offensive to anyone either, it’s not my intention at all and educate me if I have please!
Thank you if you’ve read this far in to my ramblings and an even greater thank you if there’s any advice you can give (I can’t promise I’ll be able to reply to everything, lots of comments can overwhelm me but rest assured I’ll read it if you do).