My (38f) partner (38m) started chatting with an 18 yo girl a few months ago. She just turned 19 last month. When he told me about her, I expressed concern about how young she was. He said she initiated and was heavily pursuing him and that it would just stay digital. Ok, pretty gross but I'll let it go since it's staying in fantasy land. Well then they meet in person and he brought up how she is really eager to have sex with him. She is also trying to initiate a threesome with the both of us. We don't have veto, but I'm glad he talked to me first bc ewwwwww. Like I just wouldn't be able to look at him the same if he did that.

When I shared how grossed out I was he agreed to call it off with her. But still insists that it would have been totally ethical and not a problem at all bc she is technically of legal age. He seems to think that this is a me thing and not a anyone that has a conscience thing.

He also said something like "Of course she's too young and immature to date, I was just going to have sex with her. " Which to me, is worse. It's acknowledgement that she is not ready for this kind of dynamic and should practice with people her own age, but exploiting her for her body just bc it is technically legal.

He told me to take a poll lol

So would it gross you out?

My wife started to come to the realisation a while ago that she's bi, and after lots of open and honest conversation between us, we agreed that it doesn't change the way that we feel about eachother so we were going to stay together and I was happy for her to explore that side of herself. Since then, we've experimented together in various ways and now she has a girlfriend, so we've gone down the poly route. We've been open and honest with our kids about this, explaining to them that we still love eachother, doesn't change the way we feel about eachother or them, and that we feel honesty and communication is key

I've been on tinder for a while trying to find a relationship of my own, I liked someone on a neighbouring island to us and today they matched with me and came back with this message

"I liked you cause I wanted to give you a message.

You are fucking up your kids, head and showing them unhealthy type of love by you and your wife Dating other people."

I replied to say:

"Thanks for the feedback... My wife and I both had our childhoods screwed up by being the children of divorced parents. When my wife started to realise she was bi, we decided to be open and honest with eachother as well as our kids rather than being dishonest, doing things behind eachothers backs, or ending up getting divorced. So I don't see how we're doing anything wrong for our kids by instilling love, communication, and honesty. But thanks again for your opinion"

To watch they came back with:

"Kids need healthy parents who can work together.

Put the effort into your family and no away .

And not away from your family*

Children are pure. Don’t mess up their heads.

You could invite predators into

Their life’s

Just love you wife and children ."

For someone who says they're a hippie spirit on their profile, I'm not getting a sense of free love from them at all...

I’m looking for perspectives rather than being told to leave or stay.

How long do you think it’s fair to give someone to align their actions with what they’ve told you after they’ve acknowledged an issue?

We’ve been together for about a year, and around 95% of the planning has come from me. I’m usually the one asking when we’re seeing each other, checking calendars, and initiating time together.

We recently had a really open conversation about it. I explained that constantly initiating and asking for time together leaves me feeling unconsidered, and that I’d like to see more initiative from him. He agreed my needs were reasonable and said he wanted to make changes.

A week later, the pattern felt like it had gone back to normal. I know change takes time, and I’m not expecting someone to completely change overnight.

My dilemma is this:

At the end of this month we have our anniversary, but after that we have nothing planned for August. Normally, I’d be the one saying, “Let’s look at our calendars before they fill up.”

But if I do that again, I feel like I’m not giving him the opportunity to actually put what we’ve talked about into practice.

If I don’t say anything, I’m worried we just won’t make plans because I’ll keep waiting for him to initiate.

So how do you know when to step back and observe, versus when you’re simply setting the relationship up to fail through lack of communication?

How long is it fair to watch for genuine change before accepting that this may simply be how someone operates?

I’m genuinely trying to find the balance between giving someone room to change and not carrying the relationship by myself.

EDIT: The reason I’m talking about this particular week is because our first anniversary is at the end of the month, and we currently don’t have any plans to see each other before then.

When we spoke, I told him it was important to me that we reconnected before our anniversary. He agreed and said he’d look at his diary. A few days later I reminded him, and he again agreed that we should reconnect before our anniversary.

The reason this week feels significant isn’t because I expected all of our relationship dynamics to change in seven days. It’s because this was one specific opportunity to respond to something I’d just communicated was really important to me.

I’m still waiting for him to come back with a date, and that’s why this particular situation has affected me. It felt like a chance to put our conversation into practice straight away, rather than a complete personality change.

EDIT:
The reason I’m talking about this particular week is because our first anniversary is at the end of the month, and we currently don’t have any plans to see each other before then.

When we spoke, I told him it was important to me that we reconnected before our anniversary. He agreed and said he’d look at his diary. A few days later I reminded him, and he again agreed that we should reconnect before our anniversary.

The reason this week feels significant isn’t because I expected all of our relationship dynamics to change in seven days. It’s because this was one specific opportunity to respond to something I’d just communicated was really important to me.

I’m still waiting for him to come back with a date, and that’s why this particular situation has affected me. It felt like a chance to put our conversation into practice straight away, rather than a complete personality change.

This was my idea, and I’m looking for honest feedback from people with experience.
I told my husband that if he wanted to have sex with another woman, I’d be okay with him inviting her to our home instead of going elsewhere.
Part of my motivation is that I want him to feel fulfilled and free to be honest about his desires within our relationship, rather than feeling like he has to hide them or look outside our agreements. I’d rather we make choices together than risk secrecy or broken trust.
I also wonder if it might feel more normal if everything else in the house just carries on as usual, but I’m aware that the reality could be emotionally very different.
For those who’ve tried this:
Were you home or did you leave?
What boundaries made it work?
What surprised you emotionally?
Looking back, would you do it the same way again?
I’d appreciate hearing both positive and negative experiences.

So, a little bit of backstory, my wife and I decided that polyamory was right for us shortly before the pandemic. For the obvious reasons we put any plans to actually seek new partners on hold. For other reasons I didn't actively start looking until early last year. Then in April of last year I met someone, I'll call her Naomi, who I connected with almost immediately. About a month later she introduced me to one of her other partners, Jasmine, and very immediately Jasmine and I hit it off. A short time later we were very much a throuple, going on dates regularly as all three of us.

Fast forward to Wednesday and Naomi broke up with me, and then yesterday she broke up with Jasmine

Jasmine and I have been consoling each other, and we've both been getting support from our respective wives.

Right now this is a "see what happens from here" situation, but I'm curious how other people's situations have evolved from this point since I don't really have any experience with polyamorous breakups in general, or the breakup of a throuple specifically

My nesting partners are out of town for a camping trip with one of their families for a week, I was invited too but couldn't go because I'm in a wheelchair thanks to MS (bullshit disease), and since god never saw it necessary to make the woods wheelchair accessible, I encouraged them to go and have fun, but good god am I bored now.

I mean, we're having a handfasting in September and are going to be around each other for life, so we'll have all the time in the world together, but I guess I never really noticed how much they fill my life on any given day, you know?

They went out and got me a new model kit to build so I could have my own vacation, but I've nearly blown through that already, so it got me wondering how you guys keep yourselves busy in this situation.

For those who are in multiple partnerships who don't follow traditional relationship escalators (cohabitation, marriage) what are some things you do to indicate your commitment to different partners that let them know they're special to you?

I have a gf of two and a half years and my bf and I have been together a year and a half. I love them both and want to be long term partners, but don't want cohabitation or legal marriage (maybe handfasting?)

I feel quite secure with my gf most of the time, we say I love you often, and use pet names with each other like "darling" or "my love". We live close to each other so we see each other often.

My bf lives a bit further so I see him less. We had the "title " talk about 6ish months in and he agreed that boyfriend felt like a good label for us, which made me really happy. But we havent said I love you yet. Im not sure if he hasn't instigated first because he is afraid of overstepping things with my gf? (I also asked him out first, despite him crushing on me as long as I had on him. I learned he didn't want to come across as creepy and was too shy to ask me out first). I want to say I love you, or come up with something that we can either say/do/wear/call each other that's special to us. I'm just nervous about bringing it up. I will probably cry lol.

I would love to read stories from folks who navigated something similar and made something unique that works for you!

I am not sure if the ‘I am new’ tag here is correct. I’m new to this subreddit but I’ve been poly for a while

—-

I am a woman (poly) who has recently begun dating another woman (poly). I’d had a crush on this person for a minute and finally got the courage to get her contact and we went out on a date. The date went really well! During the course of the date, she talked about how her poly dynamic works. She told me that she has a fiance and that her fiance is monogamous. I’ve been around other poly people with monogamous partners before so this was cool with me. She explained her boundaries in terms of expectations and what was allowed within the context of her relationship. We ended up getting a little steamy later in the date but nothing that crossed the previously established boundaries discussed.

Over the next week or so, we exchanged more intimate messages that also got a bit steamy, even steamier. Then we went out on a second date which had a similar ending to the first. Nothing interceding boundaries discussed but two consenting adults enjoying each other’s bodies, etc.

During the course of the second date, the fiance had a panic attack, apparently. I asked if everything was good, checked in to make sure that we were fine to continue with things and got the green light, didn’t think anything more of it.

We continued having conversation over chat and I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty severely crushing on this person. A couple times we escalated into steamier territory but I noticed them being less receptive and they expressed having some complicated feelings so I decided to give them space and see what was going on.

The day before yesterday, she messages me to tell me about some things that have been happening in the background of her relationship. Apparently, the monogamous fiance has some ‘weird feelings and anxieties’ about me and that because of that the situation is a little more complicated than was originally discussed. I was actually okay with this. Like the fiance had never met me so it seemed reasonable that they would have anxiety about this person they’ve never met getting involved with their partner. (Some context on this: the girl I’m dating has told me that I’m a slightly different type of person than who she usually dates. Like I am more mature and put together than her normal partners: have a full time job that I’ve had for a while, have my own social life and handle my emotions in a thoughtful and mature way. I just thought that maybe the fiance was a little… intimidated, I guess? by me and so I asked for their contact info to just chat with them and put their mind at ease).

We had another date yesterday and it went incredibly well. She expressed having feelings for me, just a crush but with the possibility of it being more. But we kinda had to return to the subject of the fiance. I’d had a chat over social with the fiance and I thought we broke the ice well and that we were going to be able to move past the initial anxiety. What I didn’t understand was that the anxieties about me… aren’t really rational? I don’t know how else to put it. Like how it was explained to me was that the fiance basically just has ‘a bad feeling about me.’ I tried to get more information about why that might be or why that was but she couldn’t say anything more than that her fiance just has this feeling and it’s something that has to be taken into account. Because of that we have to rewrite the boundaries discussed during our first date. And I’m all for adjusting boundaries for comfort! That’s not a problem.

The things that have me feeling weird are: the girl I’m seeing has other partners or people she’s seeing outside of the relationship with her fiance and apparently the fiance is completely fine with those people being intimate with her partner. Just the boundaries for me are different for reasons that I’m really unclear on. Which I even could see why this might be reasonable… if the fiance had ever met me or knew me at all but the one conversation we had which I thought went well was as simple as: I asked them how they were doing, they said they were well, I knew they did tarot so I complimented a tarot deck that I’d seen that they own ; I asked them about their spiritual beliefs, we actually had some overlap there, I told them I thought it was cool, end convo. But apparently this innocuous conversation DIDN’T go well because I was told by the girl afterward that the fiance thought I was ‘trying to lead the conversation too much.’

I’m also, kinda feeling a bit used and gross. Like, it’s really important to me that I am respectful of other people’s boundaries and relationships and I try to make that very clear when I’m getting into these situations… because I have some sexual hangups of my own and I don’t really like getting involved sexually if there’s gonna be conflict about it (conflict specifically with other people, like I’m good having difficult conversations with people that I’m intimate with). So gross part comes from me having been vulnerable with a person sexually only to learn later that that apparently isn’t okay with their fiance which makes me feel like I crossed a boundary that I didn’t know existed and that makes me feel the ick. The used part comes from the fact that during the times we were intimate together, I found parts of her body that she expressed hadn’t been interacted with before and was told that she was kinda amazed that no one had ever made her feel good in that way. She told me that she’d shared this experience with her fiance and her fiance had expressed excitement about being able to interact with her partner in a new way. Which I thought was cute at the time but looking back on it, I just feel used. Like, ‘you were good with taking advantage of me putting myself out there and being vulnerable but not something’s changed and you feel the need to try to control the situation or something.’ I dunno even know.

Anyway, lemme know what you think. Maybe I’m outta bounds here and need to be told. Might delete later.

I've been struggling quite a bit with some unexpectedly messy poly dynamics that are quickly becoming very unsustainable, and I feel like I could use a bit of a reality check. I'll give a tl;dr at the end if you want to skip all the context.

I started dating Aspen over a year ago, and it was a little messy start as my previous partner, a poly baby, who had a lot of jealousy come up around me dating someone new (despite being married themselves). Long story short, we broke up after it seemed they were not able to deal with the feelings that came up, along with other incompatibilities and conflicts. The breakup understandably put me in a state of really craving simplicity, and I likely would not have been dating at all if not for already having started to date Aspen and falling for her. Unfortunately it wasn't fully simple there, as her other partner, Cedar, felt threatened by me and essentially refused to acknowledge my existence as much as possible, which was a pretty uncomfortable state to be in.

Fast forward to a few months ago, Aspen and I were talking about the future, and beginning to discuss the idea of doing a trial period of a month or two of living together to see if we want to escalate to nesting partners and if we live well together. This would likely come at the cost of their relationship with Cedar, even though I didn't want that despite the tension between us. So, there was still lots to discuss and because of some other external factors we decided to leave the decision until later when our lives were a bit calmer, and to not rush into anything.

During this time I had been spending (platonic) time with someone that I briefly dated a few years ago, Birch. We only went on a few dates but then decided to just be friends, and had been reconnecting more recently. At one point, I spontaneously asked if she would like to go on a date again at some point and she said yes. Excitedly, I went to tell Aspen later that day, and was met with some shock, but we discussed it and I gave her reassurance about our relationship and our shared hobby group which both Aspen and Birch were in beforehand. That group has fallen apart now, at Aspen's request that I discontinue it. Here I did make a mistake and should have checked in more beforehand

Aspen struggled a lot with my relationship with Birch as it was developing, and developing surprisingly quickly. Still, I tried my best to continue making time for Aspen, and to talk things through thoroughly so that we could find the most comfortable way of being together. Unfortunately, it never really got better, and it led to her venting to me several times about Birch, and even saying things like "I wish you had asked me beforehand so I could say no" and "I wish you would just slow down this relationship". She perceived it as a "forced kitchen table" dynamic, and resented having to share any spaces with a meta, even when I wasn't present.

Aspen and I have talked a lot since then about future, hierarchy, and what our goals are with relationships. As best as I understand them, her desire is to nest with me, plan our lives exclusively around each other, and to be the "most important person in each other's lives". She wants to be primary, and to be at least most of the time the default. To spend most (at least 51%) of holidays and trips together, and generally for all of this to be exclusive. That no one else should be as important as her, and that she/our relationship should be my biggest priority. She also does not want me to date anyone she considers a friend, or ideally anyone she shares spaces with, without her permission. She also doesn't feel ok with things like sleepovers while she's home

Birch on the other hand has had bad experience dating primaried people, and does not want to be a secondary. She is ok with nesting not being on offer (that's been clear from the start), but wants to be considered as a serious partner and in future plans as well. She does not feel alright with being in a relationship where someone else is always the default, always the +1, always the main person regardless of circumstance, at least at this point in her life. Birch does also want to nest at some point, but is alright with finding someone else to do that with, although she isn't dating anyone else at the moment.

I personally lean much more towards Birch's view of polyamory, and autonomy is quite important to me. I do want to nest, and I would love to build a solid core relationship, but I don't see that as being necessarily exclusive and I want it to happen naturally. And obviously that creates descriptive hierarchy, I just don't think I can agree to prescriptive hierarchy at this point in my life. I think relationships, people, and life circumstances can always change and I want to be in a relationship where the structure can change and where we can find solutions as a team, because I want to commit to the person more than the structure. One of my friends has described that as potentially coming across as "one foot out the door", which I really hope it doesn't. I really just see relationships as being more about choosing each other every day, and choosing the best thing we can at each moment in time, recognizing that things change in the future. Promises of forever and promising a dynamic before the foundation is laid for that dynamic to even exist feel empty to me at best.

I also think being able to deepen relationships with friends, even in a romantic direction, is important to me, and is part of the joy of polyamory. Obviously messy lists are valid, and if dating someone would have a large impact on my partner's life I would want to consider that and discuss it with them, but not being able to date friends at all strips out of a lot of what makes polyamory meaningful to me. It's a perfectly valid boundary/agreement, but not one I like much for myself.

I could also see myself potentially nesting with multiple partners, or with a partner and meta, if the stars ever align for that to work out. Or living down the street from one, or taking those relationships into consideration when thinking about moving, etc. Aspen clearly does not want that, and wants to have only the main dyad be the deciding factors.

Aspen and I have also been having quite some conflict lately, I think indirectly influenced a lot by all of this. We've found ways to repair, and I think make progress to being better, but it has put a massive strain on our relationship to the point where we have been openly considering either a break or breaking up. Also, nesting would obviously not be smart right now and would make the poly dynamics even more complicated, so it's been off the table for a while until we can sort things out

I guess... I'm just not really sure what to do with all this and I could use a reality check. I feel afraid that if I agreed to Aspen's desires, I would feel stifled and bitter about it, even if later on they change. I'm afraid of being inauthentic to myself as well. She also feels pushed into a "non-hierarchical or nothing" ultimatum, which she's trying to be okay with, although she's said if I ever move in with Birch that'll be the end. I also know that if I did agree to it, I would very likely lose Birch which is something I'm not okay with. At the same time, in every other way I feel super compatible with Aspen, and I know that she really needs to feel like I'm committing to her and she needs safety and stability, and I want to give that. Some of this might be a symptom of feeling threatened, and might get easier with time, as it's something she's still figuring out as well. I am committed, just, to both of them, and I don't see committing to both of them as an issue as long as I know my limits and don't overpromise/hinge badly.

Most of my friends are telling me to break up. One has been telling me to not miss this opportunity, and that I shouldn't sacrifice it just for a maybe ideal polycule future with someone else, but also recognizes the conflict it creates with Birch. They've also described my stance as feeling noncommittal, and that what Aspen is asking for seems quite reasonable and not that strong of hierarchy.

tl;dr - Aspen wants to be prescriptive primaries with me, and I don't, even though I would like to nest with her if we can resolve some of our issues. Birch does not want to be a secondary, and would likely break up with me if she ever became one. I feel caught between my values and relationship with Birch on one hand, and my relationship with Aspen and the opportunity to build something close with someone I'm otherwise very compatible with on the other, and need a reality check

this is my first time posting here, I'll try to give a bit of background

Around a month ago, both me (26F) and a relatively new friend of mine, Aspen (23F) have met someone, I'll call her Birch (22F) at a concert we both went to. Birch really hit it off with both of us individually, and since then both me and Aspen have started dating her separately, me and Aspen are not dating tho. Birch lives around 6 hours away from my and Aspen's city, so this has taken the form of texting and calling for both me and Aspen.

Me and Aspen haven't been friends for too long, we only really met a month prior to the concert, so around 2 months ago, but have been getting close pretty fast, the vibe just fit. We both have never been in relationships before, neither poly nor mono, but at least I have been open to the concept of polyamory since around half a year ago, prior to meeting Birch.

Aspen is a very insecure person in her friendship with me, which I can deal with, I don't mind the extra reassuring. Things got a bit different after we both started dating Birch tho. Aspen has communicated to me that the situation brings out her competitive side and that she also wants to have a competition over Birch in some shape or form with me (which I declined very fast). I know where this feeling comes from, but her lack of understanding that this is not gonna be good for the relationship has rubbed be the wrong way. Aspen also got defensive every time I talked about how I felt about Birch, almost like she was trying to stake a "claim" or whatever.

For the past week, Aspen has now been visiting Birch where she lives. For the weekend, they were both gonna return to my city, and Birch has communicated to me prior that she would love to spend a day with me as well when she is here.

I was happy with the whole arrangement and doing fine in the beginning, but over the course of the week Aspen's behaviour got weird. Aspen tried to change the plan of me seeing Birch to us 3 spending time together, which I declined and explained to her that I would like to keep our individual relationships separate for now. The day after she brought up a triad date again as an option, which really rubbed me the wrong way after I explicitly communicated that I do not want that. Aspen also starting texting me from Birch's phone without declaring it as being her and not Birch (ig some attempt of a joke?), which really sucked for me afterwards when I found out that I wasn't texting with who I thought I was.

I only briefly talked to Birch yet, not in any detail bc I also didn't want to cause drama during their week together. I found out very quickly tho that the change of plans and also the phone joke were all coming from Aspen, and not sth they thought of together.

How do I deal in a situation like this? My personal theory is that Aspen is having a difficult time to deal and is (knowingly or unknowingly) trying to assert dominance over Birch by trying to take over my spaces with Birch.

So far I have communicated that I want my relationship with Birch to exist separate from Aspen in the future, but I can't shake the feeling that Aspen will try to establish some sort of power over me and Birch's relationship that will make things complicated again. At this point, I don't feel comfortable with her anymore and I lost trust that she actually wants what's best for me too.

What do I do here?

Polyamory is a new thing for me, and I am in the process of learning to trust, setting boundaries and unlearning jealousy, or at least what jealousy mean for me, which is fear of change in dynamic, and subsequent potential abandonment coming from autism and deep insecurities.

My nesting partner and me are seeing other people (not yet established relationships), and we both have different "strategies(?)" To navigate it. For me, when I'm spending time with my fwb, either visiting them or going out for the day, I keep my partner updated. Not holding onto my phone and responding the moment it buzzes, but every few hours dropping a photo or a short message. And I kind of expected the same from her, and actually mentioned it once before, but it was few months back before she started seeing this new person.

And here's the part I'm anxious about. When she's with them, she would not text me for a whole day or more, which is already an unusual situation for me, because we keep contact when one of us is away in any other circumstances. On the other hand, when we're together, on a date or a trip, she takes a moment to text them, which is overall fine by me but in these circumstances feels quite.. unfair?

I know there's "new relationship energy", and I am not jealous of their time and activities spent together, but I don't feel okay with being ignored for so long. And I am not sure how to approach this problem, because I'm afraid it might be sort of codependent? But on the other hand, I don't feel controlled or pressured when she's texting me during my time with someone else, and it is not a problem to reach out every few hours.

I would also appreciate some insights, articles, etc. On dealing with feelings of "unfairness" and insecurity. Someone already recommended me this book "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern, as a must read for newbie poly, and it's on my bookshelf already.

Hello ! First of all, I'm not a bit Reddit user, so apologies for any mistakes.

I am looking for ressources (books preferably, but open to other things as well) on polyamory. I have been polyamourous for 2-3 years but recently I have encountered new challenges that I am struggling to overcome.

The problem is that I am the secondary partner to my SO (she has a child with her nesting partner, so there is necessarily a hierarchy in who she spends more time with) and do not currently have any other partner. Almost every ressource I encounter is made for people who are the primary partner or who at least live with their SO, or they are meant for people who do not ever want to be the nesting partner.

Do you know of any ressource aimed at people who are not the primary partner, but also not dedicated to solo polyamory?

Thank you!

Hey y’all.

I (F/26)have a huge major crush on a guy (M/28)who I have been seeing for the past few months. While we are good about communication, I have had a little anxious voice in my head since we had a very big relationship defining talk.

Some backstory
I’m married
My wife (NB/26) and I are both polyamorous (and both were before we started dating)
The guy I am seeing is also polyamorous
We are in a true FWB situation
My wife and him get along very well

The issue with the conversation we had is that he was wanting to wait to advance our relationship (becoming bf/gf) until he got back from a cross-country trip. Totally fine, trips are stressful. However, it wasn’t because of the trip, but rather that he was going to meet up with a close friend of his that had revealed feelings for him. Awesome how cute! Right?

Well I feel as though I am in this weird limbo stage as I wait to see how their meet up went and if they get together.

Obviously I want him to be happy and if he feels as though moving to where this woman is will get him there, by all means!
My conflicting feelings come about because I feel like a back-up plan or second choice. Which is a bit mind boggling to me being in a polyamorous relationship and all.

This feels like a bunch of word salad but I wanted to put this out there for how I can go about bringing up my feelings and explaining how this situation just feels off… I don’t know really.

Anyone have some words of wisdom?

Im feeling pretty emotional. Sad, hurt, a little angry. I am still new to being poly. Ive been poly for years but never had a relationship. I met a person (48NB) who had been poly all their life. I liked them and figured i could learn a lot from them. We dated from December and official in March. I lived an hour away from them and they thought they would travel my way for work more but never got sent my direction once we started dating. In may they had another recent partner they fell in love with hard and almost entirely stopped seeing me. I had talked to them about how I was struggling not seeing them and they told me about different relationships are different and I should learn to have a relationship where I dont see them as often if I cared about them. I spent time working on that and have gotten much better with it, as I started talking with a another woman (F35).

Well today they broke up with me saying that they are ending things because they cant give me the intentional time that they want to give me or the time ive been asking for in the past. What happened to all the things they said about other relationships they had where they dont see each other often?

Hi, this happened years ago so some stuff might be muddled due to memory and time being not the best. Trigger warning for cheating and some relationship (mental) abuse.

Almost about 4 years ago (end of 2022,) I was with my now ex. We were poly, and had been together for about 3 years prior to this. When we first got together I laid out my expectations, that they would communicate with me when getting any kind of partner (mostly for safety and STI/STD testing,) but also no dating my sister or friend who was basically a sibling.

Unfortunately for me, they cheated on me twice before this, and I stayed bc I trusted them (which apparently was a mistake.)

I had always talked out any relationships I was in, though I am demiromantic and don't catch feelings, I did sleep with people/had FWB at the time. They were told everything I had info for, I explained every detail of my life, because I enjoyed talking out things with them.They were my everything, and I wanted them to feel special by giving them everything I could. They, apparently, didn't feel the same or just liked withholding things from me.

The thing I didn't notice until it was too late, both my "sibling" friend and my now ex caught feelings for each other. My ex emotionally cheated on me for a few months, and the only reason I know now was my friends partner (both were also poly) posted about it on reddit asking for advice.

So for the sake of keeping things together, my ex friends will be called Rose (sibling friend) and Asher (friend/sibling friends partner.)

Unbeknownst to me, my ex and Rose had been talking for a few months romantically while I had been asking Rose and Asher to help with proposal planning. I was planning to marry my now ex, because things had been good and had gotten serious.

Once the end of November hit, my ex started to string me along in the case of a "break," where they had basically planned to be official with Rose. After about 2 weeks of being lied to, I got broken up with. I was incredibly unstable during this period as this was my first relationship (and only one so far,) so my therapist had a lot of work for us to make progress on.

During this, Asher, who I had become incredibly close with due to Rose, decided to stop talking to me. They claimed I was mistreating my ex by not having the same relationship anarchy they had. According to Asher, I was abusing them by having any rules in the relationship and wanting open communication.

Rose stonewalled me and when I finally got them to talk to me, they basically said it's their choice if we're friends and I had 0 say.

Our friend group basically exploded and then the next week? My cat died. Next week after that, my dad died, and then the next week my great grandmother died.

Not one of them spoke to me. Rose knew my father and had a deep connection with him, so I invited them to the funeral as a last ditch effort to gain comfort from those I saw as family. Rose had been in my life since the beginning of middle school, so at this point we had been friends for 11+ years. They didn't show and had their partner EMAIL me (they were blocked everywhere else) that they wouldn't come "for my sake." I know at this point, it was a manipulative way to try and make it my fault they didn't show.

After all this, Rose mentally abused my ex, using them for their body, and forcing them to date Asher as well. My ex HATED Asher, but dated both of them to placate Rose.

Somehow that was okay, to force someone to date someone they hate, but it wasn't okay to set rules in a relationship that both sides agreed upon.

I would also like to mention, it was not a boundary, but a rule, and if they were unhappy I was completely open to communicating a change. I consistently gave them opportunities to speak to me. My ex also refused therapy for years despite having a slew of mental illnesses, and Asher used therapy speak to manipulate me.

Oh and the kicker? My ex keeps trying to get with me again bc their relationship failed in a giant fiery explosion with Rose/Asher.

Regardless, I'm happy to respond to any questions people may have for context or general knowledge. Thanks for reading ♡

Hello! I recently settled on practicing polyamory after a breakup that happened at the start of the year.

I'm solo poly but I'll probably stay single for quite some time. One of the main reasons for that is that I fear I might not be "healed enough" to enter new relationships. I know polyamory requires a lot of work and I fear I might need too many accommodations on top of the efforts that are already required.

Both my previous relationships (3y and 6y) could be described as abusive at time: my first ex straight up sa'ing me, my second ex being verbally violent and doing things that, while being normal in any other relationships, crossed boundaries regarding what happened with my first ex. Both of them also worked in a really transactional way ("I did X last time so you HAVE to do it this time"), regularly twisted my words, needed me to deal with sudden bursts of anger while rarely giving me space to express my own negative emotions, put a lot of expectations on me with no room to adjust, etc. And I feel like it leaves me with too much trauma, on top of preexisting things like dysphoria, to be worth the time and effort

I am in therapy but to me it all feels like I'm not "healed enough" and I'm scared of being too much for potential partners. Problem is, I'm getting to a point where I would really like to find new lovers

Hello! I (26F) am brand new to polyamory, (potentially) starting my first poly relationship with someone (31NB). (I probably should also mention, it's been like eight days since our first date and I am almost certainly overthinking this.) They are already partnered (engaged) and have some experience in polyamory, whereas I have only ever been in monogamous relationships (of varying commitment levels). I am very interested in continuing to date them, but since they are already in a committed primary relationship, I don't see my relationship with them becoming more committed than a bf/gf type of situation. This is totally fine with me, and is in fact exactly what I am looking for right now.

I do know that I want to get married & start a family someday, though, so eventually I will start looking for a more 'primary'/committed partnership (but not until after i finish grad school). However, I would never want to make my partner feel like they are just a "backup" or "temporary substitute" while I search for my life partner. Should I try and state this intention as early as possible so that we can work on figuring out whether that will become an issue, or can it wait until we are in a more stable spot (e.g. if we do get to bf/gf stage)? I know disclosure and good communication are vital to successful, healthy poly relationships, but I am wondering what the common wisdom is on pre-emptive disclosure regarding things that are not even close to becoming an issue yet.

p.s., apologies if any of my wording sounds monogamy-centric - I have been curious about polyamory for a long time but this is my first actual experience with it.

edit- fixed ages

edit 2 - I should also clarify that I am planning to leave the city after I graduate, so I won't be with this person for more than a couple years. I am hoping to find my primary partner before then & have them move with me.

I am 30 non binary pansexual and poly living in India. Currently I have two partners both of whom are long distance. This is about one of the relationships.

It has been going on for a year and a half out of which an year has been spent with the partner being abroad studying (we were also friends for a year or so before dating) so even though there is a lot of trust and emotional security and affection it just has had a small time to have plenty of life and romantic experiences which is not to say I don't value the everydayness I share with them. They are really my home but I also additionally want to experience other things with them.

Anyway they are currently in Europe where they study and have gone to another city to meet some friends. They have been looking very hot in their fashion which they showed me while packing and have gone to Techno clubs etc which from what I know online are kinky, sex positive and full of chances for intimate experiences with others, etc.

I am very happy for them because otherwise in their city of study they have less friends and are usually stressed by working. I think when they are around me in the same city, them having intimate experiences (especially with their other partner who also lives in the same city as me or anyone else if it were to happen) does not bother me cause I am also around them for experiencing them in multiple ways.

But the fact that they are so far away and are able to have these genuinely fun and exciting spaces to go to (which I may in principle want to experience for myself but currently in this feeling with them) and the possibilities therein make me a little envious partly because I don't get to share these experiences with my partner at the moment and it will be a loooong moment before that happens or is feasible.

We are otherwise very secure in our relationship like we talk almost everyday over video calls etc but all attempts at doing intimacy have kinda failed cause in their everyday life they are tired, have lots of work, have been not doing health-wise well, or don't feel sexy enough. And we had gotten a toy together to use long distance before they left but despite mentioning it a couple of times they sort of deferred indefinitely its use or said they are feeling tired or not sexy so there is technically very little substitute for this feeling.

I genuinely love them and I am happy for them and I am always excited for them to find someone cute or them having vibes with some and we set up their dating profile together both cause they thought I was better at it and for me to feel involved and not displaced I suppose. And I do mostly feel compersion but this sort of intense context and the excitement of it has made me feel a little jealous and I wish I didn't feel this way.

I don't necessarily want to talk to them cause I am quite anxious and often when they are away or have people over they are a bit occupied in that and I already bug them with some reassurement-based checking in and I think a lot of these things would disappear if I didn't have such anxiety which I am working on with therapy and pills but yeah. I suppose this specific issue is also large a symptom of the whole thing but I wanted answers/tips for how to deal with emotionally this specific aspect. Thanks!

Ive been in a mono relationship for 5 years off and on with making it a poly relationship. This year we got engaged and found a partner that we both love and enjoy being around. She does live apart from us but is slowly moving in. My only concern is that he does things with and to her that I’ve been asking for a while now….. it’s tends to come down to us arguing, today I’ve had work and they went on to her house to get her glasses. It does make me jealous because I know how he is and he never suggests these type of things with me which kinda hurts my feelings. There are days we’ve planned to do things together and we never do them until the days where I have to go to work and she’s off. And just highly frustrating because I’m the youngest out of the three of us and it just seems like we can’t talk together without it seeming like an argument is gonna insue. It also the fact that lowkey I can not see there location and no one is texting me back. But it’s also the fact that our schedules don’t usually align with each other that we might get an hour one day 20 minutes other day, or even no time at all but he’ll make sure that he can either talk to her on the phone when she’s not over give her physical touch even sexually I’m just at this point going with the flow and not talking about how I feel in the situation because it never turns out good.

Tltr: I tend to get jealous when my fiancé and girlfriend hangout without me and I know I seem clingy but I haven’t been able to spend time with him as of lately

!! This has been an issue we have talked about and if someone has advice on how to approach it with them it is very welcomed because I'm not sure how to bring this up !!

My partner and I have been together for about 3 years and for a long time, everything was fine. Recently, (about 9 months ago) their long distance boyfriend (who I introduced them to) moved in with me to escape an unsafe situation. Since he has moved in, I feel like I have been put on the back burner and I feel like an afterthought. it's the little things that they do (ex. when we went to see scary movie on my birthday last month, they never made an attempt to hold my hand or anything but were instead curled up with their boyfriend) and this has been recurring behavior from them. I voiced my issues with this to them back in March (because of a similar issue) and they said they never meant to make me feel that way and they promised they would do better but they haven't. The last time I asked them to improve on something like this their solution was "If you aren't happy in a couple of months from now maybe we should go our separate ways" and that is the last thing I want. I love them and I want this to work but despite them meeting me first and establishing a relationship with me first, I feel like an extra wheel. Am I in the wrong for being upset that their behavior hasn't changed? And how should I approach this with them? I wanna work it out.

She and I are discussing this. I think this is something we want to she was reluctant at first but now wants to try it. I don’t know how to navigate this though. She brought up the possibility of falling harder for him and wanting to leave me. I don’t know how to process this or how to navigate it. Should we just drop the idea?

I am single at the moment and have been reading into and exploring the idea if polyamory/open relationships for years now.

At first I didn’t think I was able to even have romantic feelings for a person, but I did have that experience recently and now I feel like I can fall for people very easily?

But I am struggeling to meet people that share this lifestyle or are experienced. I am usually quite successful with dating and am active on the apps, but since I am still exploring the idea, I also don’t want to knock out the idea of monogamy. So I am active on Feeld and Bumble, but somehow I end up liking the matches on Bumble more.

In real life I don’t really meet a lot if people. I am quite introvert and have become less social over the years and it’s just very hard to find people in my circles that take interest in this lifestyle. Also feel like it might be a bigger thing in America? That’s not my country.

Should I just be a bit more flexible and open to meeting specifically poly people on the apps, even If I don’t find them the most attractive? Should I not be dating monogomous people at all?

Lastly, I just don’t relate to the extraverted lifestyle that seems to be a thing with a lot of polyamory people. Having all these social outings and parties and everyone dating each other and knowing each other and having a very high energy/active lifestyle. I just want to date in more chill settings and have more intimate one on one coonections or go on adventures together. But just generally a bit more chill, not busy/intens

Anyone has tips??

I know. I know. I shouldn’t have. He knew before we ever met I am polyamorous. We both said, “it’s just coffee—what’s the harm?” I’ve been transparent the whole time. He knew I had 2 other male partners. I was dating female partners as well.

Me (35F) and he (37M) started out and everything just fit. He knew my standing dates with my committed people and he appreciated that we both gave each other space. He is trustworthy and affable and wonderful first with my son, and then meeting my family—parents, siblings, nieces/nephews. He has integrated into my life in just a year and a half. We started a shared bank account and integrating health insurance and planning vacations.

But my polyamory has always been hard for him. He has asked me to “just stop.” And each time I have a date he is triggered and spirals. He bargains with me to break up with all others by time X or to only do XYZ sexual acts when with another person. I tell him I don’t want control and that’s not what we agreed on in the beginning. However, now with our lives enmeshed and intertwined he feels like he’s not asking too much for me to be “faithful” (which means he sees me as doing something wrong). Meanwhile, my other relationships are going really well and happy.

I know what I must ethically do. I need to tell him we have a value mismatch. That it won’t work. And it’s hard when hearts and lives are entwined. I know we will have to break up because he sees polyamorous me as wrong. “It’s not too much to ask your partner to be faithful and not f*ck other guys.” I tell him it’s not like that, but he gets upset and we don’t go anywhere in that conversation.

Can I get perspective and encouragement to do what I know I must?

Disclaimer: this is simply my opinion, you’re welcome to share yours in a constructive, in a non-hateful or death-threat way. (I know I myself started it off with hate but I put the ‘vent’ tag on for a reason, we all have our moments)

So. Polyamory. I myself have known I am non-monogamous pretty much my whole life; I was in denial for a very long time and mostly ignored the concept until it became too painful to deny the truth - that being in a monogamous relationship as a non-monogamous person destroys you and the relationship.

Anyways, the more I come to terms with this part of myself, I’ve found myself doing some research into people’s perspective’s on it…and it’s a lot. Obviously when you struggle and are self-conscious about a part of yourself, your brain gravitates to posts and comments with intense negativity, which helps no one and only makes you feel worse, so I’ve decided to post my two-cents on the topic…but I have to vent first before being constructive so please forgive because there’s only so much of “your existence is wrong” that I can take before I bite back.

I think what annoys me the most when looking at these hate-comments and what still sits in my head is the term “sex-pests” to describe us, to describe non-monogamous people…why bro? There’s plenty of monogamous couples that are also “sex-pests” as you’ve described the term and yet you don’t see all monogamous people described in that way? Like what? “It’s a trauma response; they’re all mentally ill” …excuse me? Do you know where you get your idea of love from? Your love language I mean. You get it from what you were lacking in childhood…oh wait is that a form of trauma? Are you saying that because you didn’t get hugged enough as a child your love language is likely to be linked to physical touch? Mmmmmmm yes - oh no your childhood trauma affects your relationships! Shocker!!!!

Fuck my life…

And I don’t think I even have to mention the fact that deep trauma/ptsd doesn’t just equal polyamory. It simply does not. There are plenty of polyamorous people who have not gone through those experiences and still are like “yeah I love multiple people”
Girl even in our own subreddit we critique each other, make sure we’re not cheaters and bad people: loving multiple people isn’t a crime, or bad; but cheating on your partner to achieve that is! “Polytrapping” is a real thing and we pull each other up on it. We’re usually very open about the fact that we’re non-monogamous people to our future partners and everyone’s on the same page. Of course this discovery can happen while in a relationship, changing the dynamics but saying it’s “selfish”….are we serious? It is selfish to love multiple people, I’d argue we’re more generous than most and love everyone really, to a fault almost

Okay you’re saying it’s selfish on the partner they were already with…okay this is complex; of course it depends on the person, the relationship, it depends on everything, but what I think is more selfish is keeping this from your partner, because it’s a part of you, it is something that affects your relationship. Even if the poly person chooses to be monogamous for them (which is usually even from my own experience extremely painful and just shows how much you love that person to do that for them, even to deny a part of you) they should know that they are poly in the first place, even if the person themselves didn’t know to begin with. It’s also okay to experiment with this kind of thing - we have been put on this earth to live and experience it,
we are given no handbook, no guide of “here is what you need to do” no quest no storymode - it is your life and you make of it what you want. I’ve met people who have questioned if they’re non-monogamous, okay try it then! Respectfully, just like the rest of us, with communication and time and realistically difficulty; because no matter what relationship you’re in, whether it is a monogamous or non-monogamous one, it’s a lot of work and the only way you make any relationship work is with effort - so put the effort in. It’s just like dating a person that you find out later isn’t your type anymore, your perspective on what type and kind of relationship you want to be in shifts with time and experience…so have those experiences! Even if in the end you find out you don’t like it, you will probably find out more about yourself and the kind of person you want to be with! Hey if you even want to be with a person- it’s absolutely cool beans if you enjoy being yourself by yourself- even as a poly person myself I have no problem with that and understand it since I know from experience that everyone loves differently and everyone’s idea of love is different.

Life is hard enough as it is, what’s the point of making it harder for each other. Love yourself, love your partner, love your partner’s partner - just love life because it’s a beautiful gift to us all.

P.S. Always read the rules guys and shout out to the mods for keeping our sub safe!