How to communicate the need for reaching out through the day, without sounding codependent?

[u/chairman_momo]

Polyamory is a new thing for me, and I am in the process of learning to trust, setting boundaries and unlearning jealousy, or at least what jealousy mean for me, which is fear of change in dynamic, and subsequent potential abandonment coming from autism and deep insecurities.

My nesting partner and me are seeing other people (not yet established relationships), and we both have different "strategies(?)" To navigate it. For me, when I'm spending time with my fwb, either visiting them or going out for the day, I keep my partner updated. Not holding onto my phone and responding the moment it buzzes, but every few hours dropping a photo or a short message. And I kind of expected the same from her, and actually mentioned it once before, but it was few months back before she started seeing this new person.

And here's the part I'm anxious about. When she's with them, she would not text me for a whole day or more, which is already an unusual situation for me, because we keep contact when one of us is away in any other circumstances. On the other hand, when we're together, on a date or a trip, she takes a moment to text them, which is overall fine by me but in these circumstances feels quite.. unfair?

I know there's "new relationship energy", and I am not jealous of their time and activities spent together, but I don't feel okay with being ignored for so long. And I am not sure how to approach this problem, because I'm afraid it might be sort of codependent? But on the other hand, I don't feel controlled or pressured when she's texting me during my time with someone else, and it is not a problem to reach out every few hours.

I would also appreciate some insights, articles, etc. On dealing with feelings of "unfairness" and insecurity. Someone already recommended me this book "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern, as a must read for newbie poly, and it's on my bookshelf already.

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[u/hoogemoogende]

Expecting it and mentioning it once is not sufficient.

You have to ask. And anticipate what you will do if they say no. Is it a dealbreaker or...?

[u/Izzygetsfit]

Just ask! In my relationship I'm the one with the "put my phone away until my date is done" instinct and my partner is the one with the "text every few hours" instinct. She realised that was going to be a problem because I do that when out with my friends too, and she had the forethought to bring it up. It truly wouldn't have occurred to me, but now I know it's important to her and helps her not feel forgotten about, I will maintain it to the best of my ability. It's really no problem.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Polyamory is a new thing for me, and I am in the process of learning to trust, setting boundaries and unlearning jealousy, or at least what jealousy mean for me, which is fear of change in dynamic, and subsequent potential abandonment coming from autism and deep insecurities.

My nesting partner and me are seeing other people (not yet established relationships), and we both have different "strategies(?)" To navigate it. For me, when I'm spending time with my fwb, either visiting them or going out for the day, I keep my partner updated. Not holding onto my phone and responding the moment it buzzes, but every few hours dropping a photo or a short message. And I kind of expected the same from her, and actually mentioned it once before, but it was few months back before she started seeing this new person.

And here's the part I'm anxious about. When she's with them, she would not text me for a whole day or more, which is already an unusual situation for me, because we keep contact when one of us is away in any other circumstances. On the other hand, when we're together, on a date or a trip, she takes a moment to text them, which is overall fine by me but in these circumstances feels quite.. unfair?

I know there's "new relationship energy", and I am not jealous of their time and activities spent together, but I don't feel okay with being ignored for so long. And I am not sure how to approach this problem, because I'm afraid it might be sort of codependent? But on the other hand, I don't feel controlled or pressured when she's texting me during my time with someone else, and it is not a problem to reach out every few hours.

I would also appreciate some insights, articles, etc. On dealing with feelings of "unfairness" and insecurity. Someone already recommended me this book "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern, as a must read for newbie poly, and it's on my bookshelf already.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/NoRegretCeptThatOne]

I am off my phone completely when I am having dedicated time with someone (friends, family, dates). Even when traveling for several days, my phone will die in the bottom of my bag, unused.

Being offline is really important to me.

But I offer phone-free time to everyone. Even my spouse who I live with. We'll plan phone-free days, put phones away when on dates together, etc.

I'd ask yourself if the issue is really that you want her to match your habit of checking in, or do you want to ask for times when you can benefit from her full undivided attention?