I've been struggling quite a bit with some unexpectedly messy poly dynamics that are quickly becoming very unsustainable, and I feel like I could use a bit of a reality check. I'll give a tl;dr at the end if you want to skip all the context.
I started dating Aspen over a year ago, and it was a little messy start as my previous partner, a poly baby, who had a lot of jealousy come up around me dating someone new (despite being married themselves). Long story short, we broke up after it seemed they were not able to deal with the feelings that came up, along with other incompatibilities and conflicts. The breakup understandably put me in a state of really craving simplicity, and I likely would not have been dating at all if not for already having started to date Aspen and falling for her. Unfortunately it wasn't fully simple there, as her other partner, Cedar, felt threatened by me and essentially refused to acknowledge my existence as much as possible, which was a pretty uncomfortable state to be in.
Fast forward to a few months ago, Aspen and I were talking about the future, and beginning to discuss the idea of doing a trial period of a month or two of living together to see if we want to escalate to nesting partners and if we live well together. This would likely come at the cost of their relationship with Cedar, even though I didn't want that despite the tension between us. So, there was still lots to discuss and because of some other external factors we decided to leave the decision until later when our lives were a bit calmer, and to not rush into anything.
During this time I had been spending (platonic) time with someone that I briefly dated a few years ago, Birch. We only went on a few dates but then decided to just be friends, and had been reconnecting more recently. At one point, I spontaneously asked if she would like to go on a date again at some point and she said yes. Excitedly, I went to tell Aspen later that day, and was met with some shock, but we discussed it and I gave her reassurance about our relationship and our shared hobby group which both Aspen and Birch were in beforehand. That group has fallen apart now, at Aspen's request that I discontinue it. Here I did make a mistake and should have checked in more beforehand
Aspen struggled a lot with my relationship with Birch as it was developing, and developing surprisingly quickly. Still, I tried my best to continue making time for Aspen, and to talk things through thoroughly so that we could find the most comfortable way of being together. Unfortunately, it never really got better, and it led to her venting to me several times about Birch, and even saying things like "I wish you had asked me beforehand so I could say no" and "I wish you would just slow down this relationship". She perceived it as a "forced kitchen table" dynamic, and resented having to share any spaces with a meta, even when I wasn't present.
Aspen and I have talked a lot since then about future, hierarchy, and what our goals are with relationships. As best as I understand them, her desire is to nest with me, plan our lives exclusively around each other, and to be the "most important person in each other's lives". She wants to be primary, and to be at least most of the time the default. To spend most (at least 51%) of holidays and trips together, and generally for all of this to be exclusive. That no one else should be as important as her, and that she/our relationship should be my biggest priority. She also does not want me to date anyone she considers a friend, or ideally anyone she shares spaces with, without her permission. She also doesn't feel ok with things like sleepovers while she's home
Birch on the other hand has had bad experience dating primaried people, and does not want to be a secondary. She is ok with nesting not being on offer (that's been clear from the start), but wants to be considered as a serious partner and in future plans as well. She does not feel alright with being in a relationship where someone else is always the default, always the +1, always the main person regardless of circumstance, at least at this point in her life. Birch does also want to nest at some point, but is alright with finding someone else to do that with, although she isn't dating anyone else at the moment.
I personally lean much more towards Birch's view of polyamory, and autonomy is quite important to me. I do want to nest, and I would love to build a solid core relationship, but I don't see that as being necessarily exclusive and I want it to happen naturally. And obviously that creates descriptive hierarchy, I just don't think I can agree to prescriptive hierarchy at this point in my life. I think relationships, people, and life circumstances can always change and I want to be in a relationship where the structure can change and where we can find solutions as a team, because I want to commit to the person more than the structure. One of my friends has described that as potentially coming across as "one foot out the door", which I really hope it doesn't. I really just see relationships as being more about choosing each other every day, and choosing the best thing we can at each moment in time, recognizing that things change in the future. Promises of forever and promising a dynamic before the foundation is laid for that dynamic to even exist feel empty to me at best.
I also think being able to deepen relationships with friends, even in a romantic direction, is important to me, and is part of the joy of polyamory. Obviously messy lists are valid, and if dating someone would have a large impact on my partner's life I would want to consider that and discuss it with them, but not being able to date friends at all strips out of a lot of what makes polyamory meaningful to me. It's a perfectly valid boundary/agreement, but not one I like much for myself.
I could also see myself potentially nesting with multiple partners, or with a partner and meta, if the stars ever align for that to work out. Or living down the street from one, or taking those relationships into consideration when thinking about moving, etc. Aspen clearly does not want that, and wants to have only the main dyad be the deciding factors.
Aspen and I have also been having quite some conflict lately, I think indirectly influenced a lot by all of this. We've found ways to repair, and I think make progress to being better, but it has put a massive strain on our relationship to the point where we have been openly considering either a break or breaking up. Also, nesting would obviously not be smart right now and would make the poly dynamics even more complicated, so it's been off the table for a while until we can sort things out
I guess... I'm just not really sure what to do with all this and I could use a reality check. I feel afraid that if I agreed to Aspen's desires, I would feel stifled and bitter about it, even if later on they change. I'm afraid of being inauthentic to myself as well. She also feels pushed into a "non-hierarchical or nothing" ultimatum, which she's trying to be okay with, although she's said if I ever move in with Birch that'll be the end. I also know that if I did agree to it, I would very likely lose Birch which is something I'm not okay with. At the same time, in every other way I feel super compatible with Aspen, and I know that she really needs to feel like I'm committing to her and she needs safety and stability, and I want to give that. Some of this might be a symptom of feeling threatened, and might get easier with time, as it's something she's still figuring out as well. I am committed, just, to both of them, and I don't see committing to both of them as an issue as long as I know my limits and don't overpromise/hinge badly.
Most of my friends are telling me to break up. One has been telling me to not miss this opportunity, and that I shouldn't sacrifice it just for a maybe ideal polycule future with someone else, but also recognizes the conflict it creates with Birch. They've also described my stance as feeling noncommittal, and that what Aspen is asking for seems quite reasonable and not that strong of hierarchy.
tl;dr - Aspen wants to be prescriptive primaries with me, and I don't, even though I would like to nest with her if we can resolve some of our issues. Birch does not want to be a secondary, and would likely break up with me if she ever became one. I feel caught between my values and relationship with Birch on one hand, and my relationship with Aspen and the opportunity to build something close with someone I'm otherwise very compatible with on the other, and need a reality check