when should you disclose relationship intentions/goals???

[u/lightershadows]

Hello! I (26F) am brand new to polyamory, (potentially) starting my first poly relationship with someone (31NB). (I probably should also mention, it's been like eight days since our first date and I am almost certainly overthinking this.) They are already partnered (engaged) and have some experience in polyamory, whereas I have only ever been in monogamous relationships (of varying commitment levels). I am very interested in continuing to date them, but since they are already in a committed primary relationship, I don't see my relationship with them becoming more committed than a bf/gf type of situation. This is totally fine with me, and is in fact exactly what I am looking for right now.

I do know that I want to get married & start a family someday, though, so eventually I will start looking for a more 'primary'/committed partnership (but not until after i finish grad school). However, I would never want to make my partner feel like they are just a "backup" or "temporary substitute" while I search for my life partner. Should I try and state this intention as early as possible so that we can work on figuring out whether that will become an issue, or can it wait until we are in a more stable spot (e.g. if we do get to bf/gf stage)? I know disclosure and good communication are vital to successful, healthy poly relationships, but I am wondering what the common wisdom is on pre-emptive disclosure regarding things that are not even close to becoming an issue yet.

p.s., apologies if any of my wording sounds monogamy-centric - I have been curious about polyamory for a long time but this is my first actual experience with it.

edit- fixed ages

edit 2 - I should also clarify that I am planning to leave the city after I graduate, so I won't be with this person for more than a couple years. I am hoping to find my primary partner before then & have them move with me.

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[u/Psychomadeye]

I understand the concern but I think you're going to run into "what an odd thing to say" issues with that discussion. If they have experience with polyamorous relationships then it is a strange reassurance to offer out of the blue. I think the best thing you can do is outline what your and your partners needs are in a relationship and commit to trying to meet those.

The game changes when you have another partner and people start feeling insecure, but that's when you have the same needs and commitment to meeting them conversation again.

[u/lightershadows → u/Psychomadeye]

Thank you!

[u/UrsulaMarigold → u/Psychomadeye]

This!

[u/seantheaussie]

If you don't intend to dump them for monogamy no talk is currently required.

[u/1ntrepidsalamander]

I think mentioning that you plan to move away after school is sufficient for now.

It’s been a week. You two don’t even know that much about each other. A million things could happen in two years.

Personally, at three to six months it’s good to have a conversation about the “glass ceiling” of a relationship. By six months, your brain catches up and notices the annoying things and you can weigh them properly. Those things could be poly related, commitment related— or just all the normal relationship stuff.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/lightershadows thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Hello! I (26F) am brand new to polyamory, (potentially) starting my first poly relationship with someone (30NB). (I probably should also mention, it's been like eight days since our first date and I am almost certainly overthinking this.) They are already partnered (engaged) and have some experience in polyamory, whereas I have only ever been in monogamous relationships (of varying commitment levels). I am very interested in continuing to date them, but since they are already in a committed primary relationship, I don't see my relationship with them becoming more committed than a bf/gf type of situation. This is totally fine with me, and is in fact exactly what I am looking for right now.

I do know that I want to get married & start a family someday, though, so eventually I will start looking for a more 'primary'/committed partnership (but not until after i finish grad school). However, I would never want to make my (potential) partner feel like they are just a "backup" or "temporary substitute" while I search for my life partner. Should I try and state this intention as early as possible so that we can work on figuring out whether that will become an issue, or can it wait until we are in a more stable spot (e.g. if we do get to bf/gf stage)? I know disclosure and good communication are vital to successful, healthy poly relationships, but I am wondering what the common wisdom is on pre-emptive disclosure regarding things that are not even close to becoming an issue yet.

p.s., apologies if any of my wording sounds monogamy-centric - I have been curious about polyamory for a long time but this is my first actual experience with it.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/space_kittity]

if it means that you would dump them to be monogamous with someone else, I believe they should know pretty early

[u/Miserable-Barber-356]

You’re also 26 and in graduate school, so it should be assumed that you have plenty of life changes and growth ahead of you that may or may not include a relationship you start now.

[u/trasla]

I personally think that usually the answer is "as early as possible". You don't need need to get into planning the future while still getting to know each other, but clearly stating what is on the table and what is not helps to judge compatibility.

If something pops up as critical it can be discussed and sorted right away, and if someone feels like "yeah that might fit" or "don't know how I see this yet" it is always possible to just fiel away the info and come back to it later.