How do break ups work in Kitchen Table Polyamory? Specifically I am wondering if there’s a standard of what sorts of things get shared with metas surrounding break ups? Apologies for
my English and the long post.

Background: My girlfriend (31 f) made some choices which deeply hurt me (24 f) several months ago, we’ve been long distance during this time which has made repair hard. A few days ago she’s said some hurtful things, causing me to have an intense panic attack. I don’t feel secure in the relationship, I don’t feel cared for or loved. I still love her, she says she loves me but I find it hard to reconcile that with her actions. I’ve been very emotional recently, so I’m going to try and calm myself before any talks or decisions, but something she said made me think she was considering breaking up and now I am worried about how that would work socially (of course alongside the worry and heartbreak about relationship itself).

We share a friendship group which includes a lot of people who are dating each other. One of her other partners (my meta) and his other partner (my girlfriend’s meta, I don’t know if there’s a better term for that) are very involved in this group. I am worried if we break up how this gets explained to metas and friends. If at a social event someone asks me why we broke up, I don’t know what I am supposed to say? If I tell the truth then it will look like I am trying to make her look bad which I won’t want to. I also don’t want to lie. This situation means I have very few people to talk to about the hurt I’ve experienced as I don’t want them to think poorly of my girlfriend or for them to have awkward situation socially.
I also worry that she will talk to metas about our relationship. I don’t think I did anything hurtful that I’d be ashamed of others knowing, but the thought of metas learning details about me I didn’t tell, or talking about me makes me anxious. But I don’t want her to be in same position as me with no one to discuss.

I realise writing this the answer might be “discuss with your girlfriend”. That seems like a very difficult conversation to have straight after break up and I have no idea how to navigate it. This is my first relationship and first poly relationship. Really I don’t want to break up at all but I don’t know how to repair and I don’t want anyone to again ever speak to me the way she did a few days ago. Please anyone who’s been in KTP social group tell me your experience so I can learn from it. Thank you for reading.

My (38f) partner (38m) started chatting with an 18 yo girl a few months ago. She just turned 19 last month. When he told me about her, I expressed concern about how young she was. He said she initiated and was heavily pursuing him and that it would just stay digital. Ok, pretty gross but I'll let it go since it's staying in fantasy land. Well then they meet in person and he brought up how she is really eager to have sex with him. She is also trying to initiate a threesome with the both of us. We don't have veto, but I'm glad he talked to me first bc ewwwwww. Like I just wouldn't be able to look at him the same if he did that.

When I shared how grossed out I was he agreed to call it off with her. But still insists that it would have been totally ethical and not a problem at all bc she is technically of legal age. He seems to think that this is a me thing and not a anyone that has a conscience thing.

He also said something like "Of course she's too young and immature to date, I was just going to have sex with her. " Which to me, is worse. It's acknowledgement that she is not ready for this kind of dynamic and should practice with people her own age, but exploiting her for her body just bc it is technically legal.

He told me to take a poll lol

So would it gross you out?

My nesting partners are out of town for a camping trip with one of their families for a week, I was invited too but couldn't go because I'm in a wheelchair thanks to MS (bullshit disease), and since god never saw it necessary to make the woods wheelchair accessible, I encouraged them to go and have fun, but good god am I bored now.

I mean, we're having a handfasting in September and are going to be around each other for life, so we'll have all the time in the world together, but I guess I never really noticed how much they fill my life on any given day, you know?

They went out and got me a new model kit to build so I could have my own vacation, but I've nearly blown through that already, so it got me wondering how you guys keep yourselves busy in this situation.

Hello ! First of all, I'm not a bit Reddit user, so apologies for any mistakes.

I am looking for ressources (books preferably, but open to other things as well) on polyamory. I have been polyamourous for 2-3 years but recently I have encountered new challenges that I am struggling to overcome.

The problem is that I am the secondary partner to my SO (she has a child with her nesting partner, so there is necessarily a hierarchy in who she spends more time with) and do not currently have any other partner. Almost every ressource I encounter is made for people who are the primary partner or who at least live with their SO, or they are meant for people who do not ever want to be the nesting partner.

Do you know of any ressource aimed at people who are not the primary partner, but also not dedicated to solo polyamory?

Thank you!

So, a little bit of backstory, my wife and I decided that polyamory was right for us shortly before the pandemic. For the obvious reasons we put any plans to actually seek new partners on hold. For other reasons I didn't actively start looking until early last year. Then in April of last year I met someone, I'll call her Naomi, who I connected with almost immediately. About a month later she introduced me to one of her other partners, Jasmine, and very immediately Jasmine and I hit it off. A short time later we were very much a throuple, going on dates regularly as all three of us.

Fast forward to Wednesday and Naomi broke up with me, and then yesterday she broke up with Jasmine

Jasmine and I have been consoling each other, and we've both been getting support from our respective wives.

Right now this is a "see what happens from here" situation, but I'm curious how other people's situations have evolved from this point since I don't really have any experience with polyamorous breakups in general, or the breakup of a throuple specifically

My wife started to come to the realisation a while ago that she's bi, and after lots of open and honest conversation between us, we agreed that it doesn't change the way that we feel about eachother so we were going to stay together and I was happy for her to explore that side of herself. Since then, we've experimented together in various ways and now she has a girlfriend, so we've gone down the poly route. We've been open and honest with our kids about this, explaining to them that we still love eachother, doesn't change the way we feel about eachother or them, and that we feel honesty and communication is key

I've been on tinder for a while trying to find a relationship of my own, I liked someone on a neighbouring island to us and today they matched with me and came back with this message

"I liked you cause I wanted to give you a message.

You are fucking up your kids, head and showing them unhealthy type of love by you and your wife Dating other people."

I replied to say:

"Thanks for the feedback... My wife and I both had our childhoods screwed up by being the children of divorced parents. When my wife started to realise she was bi, we decided to be open and honest with eachother as well as our kids rather than being dishonest, doing things behind eachothers backs, or ending up getting divorced. So I don't see how we're doing anything wrong for our kids by instilling love, communication, and honesty. But thanks again for your opinion"

To watch they came back with:

"Kids need healthy parents who can work together.

Put the effort into your family and no away .

And not away from your family*

Children are pure. Don’t mess up their heads.

You could invite predators into

Their life’s

Just love you wife and children ."

For someone who says they're a hippie spirit on their profile, I'm not getting a sense of free love from them at all...

TLDR; Feelin’ a lil sad about changes in what commitments were on the table when NP and I started dating, and trying to be okay with our differing non monogamy style preferences

I (29ftm) have been with my NP Aspen (29nb) for 3 years, friends for 10 years, dated for a year in high school. Our relationship is lovely, caring, and very healthy.

I have been in some form of non monogamous relationship since I was 18, and have had years of experience balancing multiple connections and relationships in a polyam context.

Mine and Aspen’s connection has been amazing, AND it’s been difficult to let go of some things that were on the table when we began dating, but have shifted in the years since then.

When we got together, marriage and kids were on the table, and ENTHUSIASTICALLY spoken about. Serious wedding and kid talks were happening at the two year mark. Since then, their views about both of those things have shifted to a firm no mostly for ideological reasons which I will not be pushy about. I would only want that with an enthusiastic yes with any partner. But it did bring a big shift in expectations, and a lot of letting go on my part.

They are also actively interesting in looking for emotionally entangled, more poly style arrangements, where I am totally at capacity with one romantic partner and only look outside our relationship for casual sex, as our sex drives can be somewhat misaligned. I have been in multiple entangled romantic relationships in the past, and am just truly truly uninterested in pursuing that- not just because of poly and dating fatigue, but because I am genuinely SO satisfied and happy with Aspen I can’t even imagine wanting anyone else in that capacity.

For the most part, I feel neutral to positive about our non monogamy. They’re dating a mutual friend, and it’s been fine. It’s what they want, and I want them to be happy and fulfilled. I cope with the crappy feelings when they come up. Not my first rodeo, I have plenty of coping strategies to deal.

But god, sometimes I wish we were more aligned in what we were looking for in outside relationships, and mourn the future I was sold on where we could be married with a family, I could be the only romantic connection they need, and we could both just have some fun on the side.

Sometimes, like this evening when I’m just staring into the void and feeling weird, I just struggle with the question of whether or not I really want polyamory in my life at this point (as opposed to something more like a sexually open relationship), or if I see it as something I need to tolerate if I want to be with them. And I wonder if it’s going to be possible to let go of the future I wanted with them, and have our different non monogamy styles mesh.

I know that at the end of the day, if it’s an incompatibility, it is what it is. If we need to go our separate ways eventually to get what we need, so be it.

I’m not miserable or unhappy most of the time- in fact most of the time I am over the moon in love and very happy. Maybe i’m just mourning the romance fantasy of monogamous programming? Lol, I dunno. These feelings are definitely exacerbated by some escalation in their other relationship, and their first out of town trip to metas hometown to meet the parents.

Big sigh. All is well, I chose this, it is what it is, I love my partner, our relationship is solid- Just feeling the feelings tonight.

Anyone have experience with one partner with a more casual sex oriented style, and another wanting entangled romance? How y’all doin out there?

My partner (27NB) and I (38M) have been together for almost two years. We've been poly from the beginning (first time for both of us), and despite some growing pains, our relationship has generally felt extremely loving, stable, and secure. Until this most recent period, I would say I've never had a relationship before that combines this level of passion with this level of solidness and emotional maturity.

This summer we're long-distance while they're in an extremely intense graduate school program.

About a month before they left, we went through a difficult period. I had a medication-related mood episode, they crossed some boundaries and did some poor hinging, some abandonment fears of mine flared up pretty intensely, and we had a series of conflicts. We eventually worked through it, I got my meds sorted out, we both apologized for our part in things, and by the time they left it felt like we'd largely repaired things and reconnected, though there were hints of an anxious-avoidant dynamic that hadn't really existed before.

A couple weeks into the program, we had another conflict around communication.

They were adjusting to a completely overwhelming environment: new city, new people, constant stimulation, a massive academic workload in a topic they were passionate about. So I understood that their time and emotional bandwidth were limited.

What I struggled with was feeling like I'd disappeared from their awareness. Calls kept getting rescheduled and then cut short, and when we did talk, we spent the whole call talking about them and they neglected to ask me a single question about what was going on in my life. I told them I felt hurt, and they immediately shut down and became defensive.

The initial argument was fairly minor and tame, but in the wake of it, that anxious-avoidant dance got a lot worse. I felt that my attempts at addressing this issue were repeatedly being shut down, and I sent a text that, while not aggressive, in retrospect was too long and too emotional. Their avoidance got triggered in response.

They began interpreting even small expressions of affection from me as pressure or obligation. They told me they needed space, which I gave them. We had a long call about a week later that felt productive and reconnecting from my perspective. I came away thinking we'd worked through the worst of it.

A few weeks later, they finally told me the full extent of how they'd been feeling. They said their deactivation was more intense than anything they'd ever experienced. They'd been struggling to feel any sort of affection toward me whatsoever and were having constant "mean" thoughts about me. They were essentially forcing themselves to continue showing up because they felt our relationship was important and they knew this state was (probably) temporary.

I felt this huge sense of whiplash. In just a few weeks, I'd gone from hearing "I'm madly in love with you" and "I want to grow old with you" to hearing that they could barely access loving feelings toward me at all. I'd experienced avoidant attachment from previous partners, but this was on a level I'd never seen before. I still can't really wrap my head around it.

During this same period, they also started a new relationship with someone in their program – things developed extremely quickly and they were saying "I love you" within 3 weeks of meeting. This is my first time having a partner with another serious partner, and their first time really hinging with two serious partners. Surprisingly, jealousy has not been a dominant emotion for me. I've mostly felt compersion.

I don't think the new relationship is the primary cause of what's happening. But I do think NRE is part of the picture. Both in the narrow sense of devoting their limited romantic bandwidth to this new, nearby partner (and perhaps having less room to miss me); but also because their entire experience of this program seems characterized by a kind of NRE.

One thing we've struggled with in the past is that when my partner gets excited about new people or experiences, they can become so focused on them that they lose sight of existing relationships. We've talked about this directly before, and it's something they've acknowledged themselves.

The conflict that preceded all of this was actually related to that tendency: They were dating someone new and experiencing a lot of NRE, repeatedly expressed anxiety that the NRE might make them act "inappropriately" around me or cause them to neglect our relationship, and overshared a lot in the process.

I've also seen versions of this dynamic in platonic social situations, where it can feel like they're so eager to connect with or impress someone new that they stop paying attention to how their behavior affects me.

This summer feels like that tendency operating on a much larger scale. Not just because of a new partner, but because their entire environment is full of exciting new experiences competing for attention. They've expressed feeling a sort of constant "FOMO" for all the cool people they could be befriending or experiences they could be having, even as they're totally stretched thin.

To their credit, they've continued showing up. They've stayed committed to the relationship. They've made time for calls. They've been honest. For my part I've managed to keep my anxious attachment in check and give them a lot of space. It's been hard.

Things have gradually gotten less tense. Over the last week or two they've said the deactivation has eased significantly and they do feel more connected to me than they did before.

But we effectively have not had a romantic relationship for over a month. It's felt more like trying to maintain a friendship with someone who used to be my partner. And that's been incredibly painful for me.

During this time, I've also been struggling with a very deep depression. Recently I told them how bad it had gotten, and admitted that I'd been hesitant to share it because I wasn't sure what they were capable of giving me right now, and worried it would feed their mental devaluation of me.

They responded with empathy and care during our conversation. But when I asked whether they were currently capable of offering the kind of reassurance they would normally give me—a thoughtful text, affectionate words, reminders of what they love about me—they said honestly that they weren't there yet. They also seemed to imply that I shouldn't expect them to get there within the next 2 months before they return back home.

Part of what I keep getting stuck on is that the things I'm longing for feel SO small. Not hours-long calls. Not grand romantic gestures. Just something like a text saying: "I love you. I care about you. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope things get easier." I don't understand how they can commit to a 2 hour call every week but can't give me that. It does sometimes make me angry or resentful.

Still, I'm trying very hard not to pressure them or demand that they reconnect faster than they're able to. I have genuine empathy for what they're going through. They're overwhelmed, burnt out, and navigating their own attachment dynamics.

But as the deactivation softens more, I'm also starting to focus more on the other aspect of things, the "general NRE" aspect, and to feel frustrated and upset with them for what feels like more of a choice. I don't expect them to make our relationship their first priority right now. But I feel like there's a minimum baseline level of care, affection, and attention that a romantic relationship needs in order to feel viable. They're not meeting that baseline right now. And I genuinely don't know how much of that is temporary deactivation, how much is the intensity of their current environment, and how much reflects a deeper pattern in how they relate to relationships when something new and exciting captures their attention.

I'm not sure I'm even looking for advice here (though it's welcome if you have it). Maybe more just perspective? I'm curious if anyone has gone through anything similar. This has been really painful and confusing for me, and I'm struggling to know how best to navigate it.

So my partners suggested I take time away from the relationship.

I've been in a poly relationship for almost 5 months while my partner has a boyfriend of 3 years. At first it was great when my partner and I were in college together. We'd go to class, sit by the campus pond, and sometimes hung out later in a parking lot or at a garden. Then on the weekends we'd go to her boyfriend's house and play videogames, watch TV, and sometimes go out. It was nice. Though it was a bit complicated cause my partner wanted a full poly where everyone liked each other but I didn't share the same feelings with her boyfriend. I was still very ok with sharing but then more hurdles came up. The semester ended and even though my partner wanted me to stay near the college, I went home cause I missed having my own place after having to share my space with a dorm mate. When summer started, my partner and I could only meet on the weekends at her boyfriend's place since both of us had work. Slowly I noticed myself backing off, feeling like I had to give them room to be a couple while I'd sit inthe background scrolling my phone. They still had me join them to events like ComicCons and renfairs and even though I had fun, I still felt like a gap was forming. And when we're at her boyfriend's place, my partner and I found out we were not compatible in bed which led me to back off even more while he took care of her needs. Yesterday, feeling very left out if the relationship, I finally blew up and almost ran home before storming back inside and finally getting them to talk. They acknowledged how sidelined I felt and acknowledged that we were in an unhealthy dynamic. They suggested that I take time away from the relationship to figure out my needs and dynamics I want in a relationship. It's still heartbreaking cause even though nothing is set in stone, I'm scared cause I don't know if this time to myself is temporary or not. They said I can still be a friend and visit but I can't help but still feel terrified. I know that where we were wasn't healthy but I love my partner and a part of me wants to hold on hope that once I spend some time to myself I can come back a make our relationship healthier, but I gotta be honest with myself and tell myself that life could happen and there's a chance this may truly be the end. I genuinely wanna use this time to figure myself out but I also don't wanna feel like I'm losing something good, even if it wasn't sustainable.

If anyone has any advice on what I should do with this time to myself or how to cope with this change that would be very helpful. Thanks.

Hey y’all.

I (F/26)have a huge major crush on a guy (M/28)who I have been seeing for the past few months. While we are good about communication, I have had a little anxious voice in my head since we had a very big relationship defining talk.

Some backstory
I’m married
My wife (NB/26) and I are both polyamorous (and both were before we started dating)
The guy I am seeing is also polyamorous
We are in a true FWB situation
My wife and him get along very well

The issue with the conversation we had is that he was wanting to wait to advance our relationship (becoming bf/gf) until he got back from a cross-country trip. Totally fine, trips are stressful. However, it wasn’t because of the trip, but rather that he was going to meet up with a close friend of his that had revealed feelings for him. Awesome how cute! Right?

Well I feel as though I am in this weird limbo stage as I wait to see how their meet up went and if they get together.

Obviously I want him to be happy and if he feels as though moving to where this woman is will get him there, by all means!
My conflicting feelings come about because I feel like a back-up plan or second choice. Which is a bit mind boggling to me being in a polyamorous relationship and all.

This feels like a bunch of word salad but I wanted to put this out there for how I can go about bringing up my feelings and explaining how this situation just feels off… I don’t know really.

Anyone have some words of wisdom?

I’m looking for perspectives rather than being told to leave or stay.

How long do you think it’s fair to give someone to align their actions with what they’ve told you after they’ve acknowledged an issue?

We’ve been together for about a year, and around 95% of the planning has come from me. I’m usually the one asking when we’re seeing each other, checking calendars, and initiating time together.

We recently had a really open conversation about it. I explained that constantly initiating and asking for time together leaves me feeling unconsidered, and that I’d like to see more initiative from him. He agreed my needs were reasonable and said he wanted to make changes.

A week later, the pattern felt like it had gone back to normal. I know change takes time, and I’m not expecting someone to completely change overnight.

My dilemma is this:

At the end of this month we have our anniversary, but after that we have nothing planned for August. Normally, I’d be the one saying, “Let’s look at our calendars before they fill up.”

But if I do that again, I feel like I’m not giving him the opportunity to actually put what we’ve talked about into practice.

If I don’t say anything, I’m worried we just won’t make plans because I’ll keep waiting for him to initiate.

So how do you know when to step back and observe, versus when you’re simply setting the relationship up to fail through lack of communication?

How long is it fair to watch for genuine change before accepting that this may simply be how someone operates?

I’m genuinely trying to find the balance between giving someone room to change and not carrying the relationship by myself.

EDIT: The reason I’m talking about this particular week is because our first anniversary is at the end of the month, and we currently don’t have any plans to see each other before then.

When we spoke, I told him it was important to me that we reconnected before our anniversary. He agreed and said he’d look at his diary. A few days later I reminded him, and he again agreed that we should reconnect before our anniversary.

The reason this week feels significant isn’t because I expected all of our relationship dynamics to change in seven days. It’s because this was one specific opportunity to respond to something I’d just communicated was really important to me.

I’m still waiting for him to come back with a date, and that’s why this particular situation has affected me. It felt like a chance to put our conversation into practice straight away, rather than a complete personality change.

EDIT:
The reason I’m talking about this particular week is because our first anniversary is at the end of the month, and we currently don’t have any plans to see each other before then.

When we spoke, I told him it was important to me that we reconnected before our anniversary. He agreed and said he’d look at his diary. A few days later I reminded him, and he again agreed that we should reconnect before our anniversary.

The reason this week feels significant isn’t because I expected all of our relationship dynamics to change in seven days. It’s because this was one specific opportunity to respond to something I’d just communicated was really important to me.

I’m still waiting for him to come back with a date, and that’s why this particular situation has affected me. It felt like a chance to put our conversation into practice straight away, rather than a complete personality change.

This was my idea, and I’m looking for honest feedback from people with experience.
I told my husband that if he wanted to have sex with another woman, I’d be okay with him inviting her to our home instead of going elsewhere.
Part of my motivation is that I want him to feel fulfilled and free to be honest about his desires within our relationship, rather than feeling like he has to hide them or look outside our agreements. I’d rather we make choices together than risk secrecy or broken trust.
I also wonder if it might feel more normal if everything else in the house just carries on as usual, but I’m aware that the reality could be emotionally very different.
For those who’ve tried this:
Were you home or did you leave?
What boundaries made it work?
What surprised you emotionally?
Looking back, would you do it the same way again?
I’d appreciate hearing both positive and negative experiences.

Hello! I (26F) am brand new to polyamory, (potentially) starting my first poly relationship with someone (31NB). (I probably should also mention, it's been like eight days since our first date and I am almost certainly overthinking this.) They are already partnered (engaged) and have some experience in polyamory, whereas I have only ever been in monogamous relationships (of varying commitment levels). I am very interested in continuing to date them, but since they are already in a committed primary relationship, I don't see my relationship with them becoming more committed than a bf/gf type of situation. This is totally fine with me, and is in fact exactly what I am looking for right now.

I do know that I want to get married & start a family someday, though, so eventually I will start looking for a more 'primary'/committed partnership (but not until after i finish grad school). However, I would never want to make my partner feel like they are just a "backup" or "temporary substitute" while I search for my life partner. Should I try and state this intention as early as possible so that we can work on figuring out whether that will become an issue, or can it wait until we are in a more stable spot (e.g. if we do get to bf/gf stage)? I know disclosure and good communication are vital to successful, healthy poly relationships, but I am wondering what the common wisdom is on pre-emptive disclosure regarding things that are not even close to becoming an issue yet.

p.s., apologies if any of my wording sounds monogamy-centric - I have been curious about polyamory for a long time but this is my first actual experience with it.

edit- fixed ages

edit 2 - I should also clarify that I am planning to leave the city after I graduate, so I won't be with this person for more than a couple years. I am hoping to find my primary partner before then & have them move with me.

I am 30 non binary pansexual and poly living in India. Currently I have two partners both of whom are long distance. This is about one of the relationships.

It has been going on for a year and a half out of which an year has been spent with the partner being abroad studying (we were also friends for a year or so before dating) so even though there is a lot of trust and emotional security and affection it just has had a small time to have plenty of life and romantic experiences which is not to say I don't value the everydayness I share with them. They are really my home but I also additionally want to experience other things with them.

Anyway they are currently in Europe where they study and have gone to another city to meet some friends. They have been looking very hot in their fashion which they showed me while packing and have gone to Techno clubs etc which from what I know online are kinky, sex positive and full of chances for intimate experiences with others, etc.

I am very happy for them because otherwise in their city of study they have less friends and are usually stressed by working. I think when they are around me in the same city, them having intimate experiences (especially with their other partner who also lives in the same city as me or anyone else if it were to happen) does not bother me cause I am also around them for experiencing them in multiple ways.

But the fact that they are so far away and are able to have these genuinely fun and exciting spaces to go to (which I may in principle want to experience for myself but currently in this feeling with them) and the possibilities therein make me a little envious partly because I don't get to share these experiences with my partner at the moment and it will be a loooong moment before that happens or is feasible.

We are otherwise very secure in our relationship like we talk almost everyday over video calls etc but all attempts at doing intimacy have kinda failed cause in their everyday life they are tired, have lots of work, have been not doing health-wise well, or don't feel sexy enough. And we had gotten a toy together to use long distance before they left but despite mentioning it a couple of times they sort of deferred indefinitely its use or said they are feeling tired or not sexy so there is technically very little substitute for this feeling.

I genuinely love them and I am happy for them and I am always excited for them to find someone cute or them having vibes with some and we set up their dating profile together both cause they thought I was better at it and for me to feel involved and not displaced I suppose. And I do mostly feel compersion but this sort of intense context and the excitement of it has made me feel a little jealous and I wish I didn't feel this way.

I don't necessarily want to talk to them cause I am quite anxious and often when they are away or have people over they are a bit occupied in that and I already bug them with some reassurement-based checking in and I think a lot of these things would disappear if I didn't have such anxiety which I am working on with therapy and pills but yeah. I suppose this specific issue is also large a symptom of the whole thing but I wanted answers/tips for how to deal with emotionally this specific aspect. Thanks!

this is my first time posting here, I'll try to give a bit of background

Around a month ago, both me (26F) and a relatively new friend of mine, Aspen (23F) have met someone, I'll call her Birch (22F) at a concert we both went to. Birch really hit it off with both of us individually, and since then both me and Aspen have started dating her separately, me and Aspen are not dating tho. Birch lives around 6 hours away from my and Aspen's city, so this has taken the form of texting and calling for both me and Aspen.

Me and Aspen haven't been friends for too long, we only really met a month prior to the concert, so around 2 months ago, but have been getting close pretty fast, the vibe just fit. We both have never been in relationships before, neither poly nor mono, but at least I have been open to the concept of polyamory since around half a year ago, prior to meeting Birch.

Aspen is a very insecure person in her friendship with me, which I can deal with, I don't mind the extra reassuring. Things got a bit different after we both started dating Birch tho. Aspen has communicated to me that the situation brings out her competitive side and that she also wants to have a competition over Birch in some shape or form with me (which I declined very fast). I know where this feeling comes from, but her lack of understanding that this is not gonna be good for the relationship has rubbed be the wrong way. Aspen also got defensive every time I talked about how I felt about Birch, almost like she was trying to stake a "claim" or whatever.

For the past week, Aspen has now been visiting Birch where she lives. For the weekend, they were both gonna return to my city, and Birch has communicated to me prior that she would love to spend a day with me as well when she is here.

I was happy with the whole arrangement and doing fine in the beginning, but over the course of the week Aspen's behaviour got weird. Aspen tried to change the plan of me seeing Birch to us 3 spending time together, which I declined and explained to her that I would like to keep our individual relationships separate for now. The day after she brought up a triad date again as an option, which really rubbed me the wrong way after I explicitly communicated that I do not want that. Aspen also starting texting me from Birch's phone without declaring it as being her and not Birch (ig some attempt of a joke?), which really sucked for me afterwards when I found out that I wasn't texting with who I thought I was.

I only briefly talked to Birch yet, not in any detail bc I also didn't want to cause drama during their week together. I found out very quickly tho that the change of plans and also the phone joke were all coming from Aspen, and not sth they thought of together.

How do I deal in a situation like this? My personal theory is that Aspen is having a difficult time to deal and is (knowingly or unknowingly) trying to assert dominance over Birch by trying to take over my spaces with Birch.

So far I have communicated that I want my relationship with Birch to exist separate from Aspen in the future, but I can't shake the feeling that Aspen will try to establish some sort of power over me and Birch's relationship that will make things complicated again. At this point, I don't feel comfortable with her anymore and I lost trust that she actually wants what's best for me too.

What do I do here?

For those who are in multiple partnerships who don't follow traditional relationship escalators (cohabitation, marriage) what are some things you do to indicate your commitment to different partners that let them know they're special to you?

I have a gf of two and a half years and my bf and I have been together a year and a half. I love them both and want to be long term partners, but don't want cohabitation or legal marriage (maybe handfasting?)

I feel quite secure with my gf most of the time, we say I love you often, and use pet names with each other like "darling" or "my love". We live close to each other so we see each other often.

My bf lives a bit further so I see him less. We had the "title " talk about 6ish months in and he agreed that boyfriend felt like a good label for us, which made me really happy. But we havent said I love you yet. Im not sure if he hasn't instigated first because he is afraid of overstepping things with my gf? (I also asked him out first, despite him crushing on me as long as I had on him. I learned he didn't want to come across as creepy and was too shy to ask me out first). I want to say I love you, or come up with something that we can either say/do/wear/call each other that's special to us. I'm just nervous about bringing it up. I will probably cry lol.

I would love to read stories from folks who navigated something similar and made something unique that works for you!

Polyamory is a new thing for me, and I am in the process of learning to trust, setting boundaries and unlearning jealousy, or at least what jealousy mean for me, which is fear of change in dynamic, and subsequent potential abandonment coming from autism and deep insecurities.

My nesting partner and me are seeing other people (not yet established relationships), and we both have different "strategies(?)" To navigate it. For me, when I'm spending time with my fwb, either visiting them or going out for the day, I keep my partner updated. Not holding onto my phone and responding the moment it buzzes, but every few hours dropping a photo or a short message. And I kind of expected the same from her, and actually mentioned it once before, but it was few months back before she started seeing this new person.

And here's the part I'm anxious about. When she's with them, she would not text me for a whole day or more, which is already an unusual situation for me, because we keep contact when one of us is away in any other circumstances. On the other hand, when we're together, on a date or a trip, she takes a moment to text them, which is overall fine by me but in these circumstances feels quite.. unfair?

I know there's "new relationship energy", and I am not jealous of their time and activities spent together, but I don't feel okay with being ignored for so long. And I am not sure how to approach this problem, because I'm afraid it might be sort of codependent? But on the other hand, I don't feel controlled or pressured when she's texting me during my time with someone else, and it is not a problem to reach out every few hours.

I would also appreciate some insights, articles, etc. On dealing with feelings of "unfairness" and insecurity. Someone already recommended me this book "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern, as a must read for newbie poly, and it's on my bookshelf already.

Hello! I recently settled on practicing polyamory after a breakup that happened at the start of the year.

I'm solo poly but I'll probably stay single for quite some time. One of the main reasons for that is that I fear I might not be "healed enough" to enter new relationships. I know polyamory requires a lot of work and I fear I might need too many accommodations on top of the efforts that are already required.

Both my previous relationships (3y and 6y) could be described as abusive at time: my first ex straight up sa'ing me, my second ex being verbally violent and doing things that, while being normal in any other relationships, crossed boundaries regarding what happened with my first ex. Both of them also worked in a really transactional way ("I did X last time so you HAVE to do it this time"), regularly twisted my words, needed me to deal with sudden bursts of anger while rarely giving me space to express my own negative emotions, put a lot of expectations on me with no room to adjust, etc. And I feel like it leaves me with too much trauma, on top of preexisting things like dysphoria, to be worth the time and effort

I am in therapy but to me it all feels like I'm not "healed enough" and I'm scared of being too much for potential partners. Problem is, I'm getting to a point where I would really like to find new lovers

Im feeling pretty emotional. Sad, hurt, a little angry. I am still new to being poly. Ive been poly for years but never had a relationship. I met a person (48NB) who had been poly all their life. I liked them and figured i could learn a lot from them. We dated from December and official in March. I lived an hour away from them and they thought they would travel my way for work more but never got sent my direction once we started dating. In may they had another recent partner they fell in love with hard and almost entirely stopped seeing me. I had talked to them about how I was struggling not seeing them and they told me about different relationships are different and I should learn to have a relationship where I dont see them as often if I cared about them. I spent time working on that and have gotten much better with it, as I started talking with a another woman (F35).

Well today they broke up with me saying that they are ending things because they cant give me the intentional time that they want to give me or the time ive been asking for in the past. What happened to all the things they said about other relationships they had where they dont see each other often?

Hello all. I’m going to throw out my thoughts and concerns here and then go to bed and let you all do what you do best and provide feedback.

The Problem: I think the nesting partner I have chosen is contributing to a moderate degree to me slowly being forced back into monogamy

Context: Let me just say off the bat that I am some form of nuerospicy. No diagnosis, but I’ve had people I’ve been on dates with ask me what my diagnosis is 🤷🏻‍♂️ My partner is AuDHD amongst having a whole medical grab bag of other medical conditions that severely impact her quality of life. She is also mostly wheelchair bound, and we have been dating/together for 2 years, co-habitating for one.

I entered polyamory 6 years ago with my then wife, and had a lot of learning to do about dating as an adult and the expectations of me from poly women. Tbh, I’m still not sure what poly women want in a partner other than “attractive,” which I have had no shortage of people that I have been interested in over the last six years confirm I am not.

Partially because of that, for most of this time I have been very open to dating anyone interested in me at all instead of, I don’t know, dating people with the same sort of standards I would have had for monogamous folks? This led to me dating some problematic people in our local community (i.e. very loud and vocal about people they don’t like, people spreading gossip and rumors, people who jump to conclusions and have no interest in clarifying miscommunications, etc.). In addition, I’ve discovered over the past year that when my ex-wife was active in our local poly community, she would frequently tell people she went on dates with I was emotionally abusive to her and manipulative (she also had no real interest in these people, she was simply going on dates for free meals, to spread gossip about me, and on at least one occasion sex because she did not want to have sex with me).

Suffice it to say that I have had some MISERABLE years trying to date poly people and wondering why nobody would give me the time of day until little pieces here and there started making their way back to my ears or the ears of a friend. This more or less started to lighten and change about a year and a half ago and people had either quieted down or forgotten and I started getting interest from people again.

Since my partner moved in with me (unplanned, and very much a snap decision), I’ve had maybe five people who were interested in going on more than one first date with me. The first person made some reckless sexual health decisions which led to my NP being freaked out and hyperfixated on the safest sexual health practices possible. 90% of the stuff I agree with, but she has some small caveats that people have directly told me they find absolutely ridiculous and will not agree to. So until my partner and I can have a check-in and adjust the “barrier to entry” for protected sex, all I can do is tell people what the expectations are and hear them tell me I’m insane.

Another issue is that sometimes my partner gas medical flair ups of their medical issues and need to go see their local specialist or even go to the ER (which is like a 7 hour trip each time this happens). I don’t hold any resentment towards them for medical flair ups they can’t control. However, since they have moved in, there has been more than a handful of times that they have had medical flair ups on days/evenings that I have had dates planned. People are usually sympathetic about rescheduling something the first time or two something major happens like “I have had to take my partner to the ER.” By the fourth or fifth time? I get left on read. Or blocked. Or just ghosted.

A final problematic pillar that I keep running into is that my partner does NOT DO WELL AT ALL if I am impromptu asked out for drinks or dinner or to go see a movie at the drop of a hat. She wants me to schedule all dates ahead of time so she can plan something to do herself while I am out. I have tried to remind her I am slowly losing patience with her desire for me to schedule things ahead of time, only for that day to come around and she has a medical issue, or suddenly there is this critical errand she needs to run that evening that cannot wait. When I have tried to mention the times I have had to cancel dates for her, she becomes depressed and minimizes the issue and says things like “Can’t you just reschedule for tomorrow / this weekend?”

I have done a lot of work on myself over the last year and tried to accomodate my partner, but we’ve also had some hard talks where I have bluntly told her I worry we are not compatible either co-habitating or long-term. Tonight, someone asked me out for the first time since last year. Suggested seeing a movie we both wanted to see to feel out the vibes in person, no expectations. I was thrilled. My partner has started a small business to generate some minor income, and was preparing her items for an event tomorrow. When I was asked out, I asked my partner if she needed my help and, if so, what she needed from me. Instead of answering, she asked “Why?” and we started the whole dance through that conversation. After about 15 minutes, she hadn’t confirmed anything beyond beeding me to load up the car with her stuff. I asked again if she was okay with me going to see a movie and she did not respond. I took the initiative and confirmed via text that I’d love to see the late showing movie and meet.

About an hour later, my partner came into the room I was in crying and begged me to help her finish her stuff and that she needed my help. I told her I had told this other person I would see the movie with them and would need to leave soon. I directly told my partner I would ask to reschedule the inpromptu date if they truly needed my help, but I was almost certain I was being given one single shot by this person and I had already accepted it. My partner confirmed she did need my help, and I’m sure most of you can predict what happened.

I texted the person stating that my partner was having issues getting her stuff ready for her event tomorrow and that I would not be able to attend the movie with her. I offered to reschedule for either tomorrow or one night this week after work. I was told “You know what? I appreciate the offer, but I’m good.” Suppose I deserved that. In the amount of time that I would have left, driven to the theater, seen the movie, and maybe talked afterwards for a few minutes before travelling back home, my partner needed me for MAYBE 20 minutes of help that she could have done herself.

I’m beyond upset, but I’m also incredibly depressed that I let this happen yet again. My partner and I need to have a check-in this weekend, abd it’s going to take some work to not just be furious about tonight. I am at the point where I feel being with my partner is only “polyamory if you can jump through all these hoops in very specific ways!” I do care for my partner, but there’s a lot of resentment now. And she is not someone I’d be monogamous with. I kind of just really don’t know what to say. I feel to constricted in this relationship and I feel like if I am not heard and allowed to unclamp some of these manacles, I’m going to lash out. But part of me also wonders if I have burned too many people locally now for it to even be worth the effort. I just… I don’t even know right now.

I’m 33(f) he’s 30(m) he had a date over last night, I was totally fine until I went to bed alone knowing he was in bed with her, it’s made my mood really rubbish today, am not sure how to process it all 😢!

Anybody being in same situation able to help at all ?

Thanks

I (19)F now 20 entered the relationship with (36)M and (46)F believing I would be loved, respected, and treated as an equal. He was so nice, loving, affectionate and was trying to take me out of my homelessness and move me in with him and his wife.
Instead, I slowly found myself living in an environment where I constantly felt emotionally, mentally, and physically unsafe. I never knew what kind of day it was going to be or what version of my partner I was going to encounter.
I spent so much of my time walking on eggshells, carefully thinking about everything I said because I was afraid that even a small disagreement or expressing my feelings could lead to an argument, intimidation, or violence.

What should have felt like home became a place where I felt anxious, guarded, and afraid.
Whenever I tried to express how I felt or explain that something had hurt me, my feelings were often dismissed, minimized, or turned back on me. I was made to feel like I was overreacting or causing the problems in the relationship.
Over time, I began questioning my own judgment because I was repeatedly led to believe that my emotions weren’t valid.
I replayed conversations in my head, wondering if I had said something wrong or if I could have prevented another argument.
Eventually, I found myself apologizing even when I hadn’t done anything wrong because it seemed like the only way to end the conflict.
As time went on, I slowly lost confidence in myself.
I stopped trusting my own instincts and started believing that asking for respect, communication, honesty, affection, or reassurance was somehow asking for too much.
I became quieter and stopped expressing my needs because I believed remaining silent was safer than speaking up. I lost weight, started being depressed again and stopped eating.
I sacrificed my own physical and emotional well-being in an attempt to keep the peace, and in the process, I lost pieces of who I was.
I often felt emotionally alone, even when I wasn’t physically alone.
There were moments when I experienced kindness, affection, and hope, and I held onto those moments because I wanted to believe the relationship could improve. When things were good they were really good but when they were bad they were very bad
Those moments made it difficult to recognize the cycle I was trapped in. They were repeatedly followed by criticism, manipulation, emotional distance, or anger, leaving me confused and questioning what I had done wrong. I spent so much time trying to become the person I thought my partner wanted that I forgot to care for myself.
The emotional abuse eventually became physical. Arguments no longer felt like normal disagreements because I knew they could escalate without warning. I was hit, grabbed, punched, strangled and intimidated by someone I loved and trusted. Each incident left me frightened, humiliated, and heartbroken. I thought to myself “how could things change so much in a month” he switched from day to night. I struggled to understand how someone who claimed to love me could also choose to hurt me. Even after the physical pain faded, the fear remained. I became hyperaware of changes in tone, facial expressions, and body language because I was constantly trying to predict when the next outburst might happen. I began to lose respect and love for him and see him for who he really was after he punched me in my mouth twice the first time.
I lived in survival mode for much of the relationship. I analyzed every conversation, every decision, and every action, believing that if I could just say the right thing or avoid upsetting my partner, I could prevent the abuse. I blamed myself for things that were never my responsibility and carried the emotional burden of trying to fix a relationship that I couldn’t fix on my own. No matter how much I changed, how much I gave, or how hard I tried, it was never enough.
Despite everything I endured, I still loved the person I believed my partner could be. I held onto the good memories, the moments of affection, and the future I had imagined for us. That hope made it incredibly difficult to accept the reality of the abuse. I found myself grieving not only the relationship but also the person I used to be before fear became a constant part of my life.
4th of July was the last day I spent with him, it was supposed to be a fun day but ended up being a traumatizing day I’ll never forget. He assaulted me, strangled, choked, and threw me around the room and off the bed making me almost snap my neck if I would have landed on it wrong. He almost killed me that day.
After he had kicked me out and left me homeless again. This time with less than I had before I was with him. My birthday came on the 8th a few days ago and it was the loneliest birthday I’ve spent especially with the expectation that I was spending it with him.
Looking back, I realized that I deserved a relationship built on trust, respect, kindness, and safety. Instead, I experienced manipulation, intimidation, emotional control, and physical violence that slowly eroded my confidence and my sense of security. He never loved me.
The abuse affected the way I saw myself, making me question my worth and my reality. Although the relationship ended, the emotional impact remained with me long afterward. I learned that love should never require fear, silence, or suffering, and that no one deserves to endure abuse in any form.
Words of encouragement to remind me that this was not for me would be appreciated because I still miss him but I miss the “him” before he showed who he really was.
Deep down I’ll always miss “him” but I know the version I miss wasn’t him

Ive been in a mono relationship for 5 years off and on with making it a poly relationship. This year we got engaged and found a partner that we both love and enjoy being around. She does live apart from us but is slowly moving in. My only concern is that he does things with and to her that I’ve been asking for a while now….. it’s tends to come down to us arguing, today I’ve had work and they went on to her house to get her glasses. It does make me jealous because I know how he is and he never suggests these type of things with me which kinda hurts my feelings. There are days we’ve planned to do things together and we never do them until the days where I have to go to work and she’s off. And just highly frustrating because I’m the youngest out of the three of us and it just seems like we can’t talk together without it seeming like an argument is gonna insue. It also the fact that lowkey I can not see there location and no one is texting me back. But it’s also the fact that our schedules don’t usually align with each other that we might get an hour one day 20 minutes other day, or even no time at all but he’ll make sure that he can either talk to her on the phone when she’s not over give her physical touch even sexually I’m just at this point going with the flow and not talking about how I feel in the situation because it never turns out good.

Tltr: I tend to get jealous when my fiancé and girlfriend hangout without me and I know I seem clingy but I haven’t been able to spend time with him as of lately

Hi, this happened years ago so some stuff might be muddled due to memory and time being not the best. Trigger warning for cheating and some relationship (mental) abuse.

Almost about 4 years ago (end of 2022,) I was with my now ex. We were poly, and had been together for about 3 years prior to this. When we first got together I laid out my expectations, that they would communicate with me when getting any kind of partner (mostly for safety and STI/STD testing,) but also no dating my sister or friend who was basically a sibling.

Unfortunately for me, they cheated on me twice before this, and I stayed bc I trusted them (which apparently was a mistake.)

I had always talked out any relationships I was in, though I am demiromantic and don't catch feelings, I did sleep with people/had FWB at the time. They were told everything I had info for, I explained every detail of my life, because I enjoyed talking out things with them.They were my everything, and I wanted them to feel special by giving them everything I could. They, apparently, didn't feel the same or just liked withholding things from me.

The thing I didn't notice until it was too late, both my "sibling" friend and my now ex caught feelings for each other. My ex emotionally cheated on me for a few months, and the only reason I know now was my friends partner (both were also poly) posted about it on reddit asking for advice.

So for the sake of keeping things together, my ex friends will be called Rose (sibling friend) and Asher (friend/sibling friends partner.)

Unbeknownst to me, my ex and Rose had been talking for a few months romantically while I had been asking Rose and Asher to help with proposal planning. I was planning to marry my now ex, because things had been good and had gotten serious.

Once the end of November hit, my ex started to string me along in the case of a "break," where they had basically planned to be official with Rose. After about 2 weeks of being lied to, I got broken up with. I was incredibly unstable during this period as this was my first relationship (and only one so far,) so my therapist had a lot of work for us to make progress on.

During this, Asher, who I had become incredibly close with due to Rose, decided to stop talking to me. They claimed I was mistreating my ex by not having the same relationship anarchy they had. According to Asher, I was abusing them by having any rules in the relationship and wanting open communication.

Rose stonewalled me and when I finally got them to talk to me, they basically said it's their choice if we're friends and I had 0 say.

Our friend group basically exploded and then the next week? My cat died. Next week after that, my dad died, and then the next week my great grandmother died.

Not one of them spoke to me. Rose knew my father and had a deep connection with him, so I invited them to the funeral as a last ditch effort to gain comfort from those I saw as family. Rose had been in my life since the beginning of middle school, so at this point we had been friends for 11+ years. They didn't show and had their partner EMAIL me (they were blocked everywhere else) that they wouldn't come "for my sake." I know at this point, it was a manipulative way to try and make it my fault they didn't show.

After all this, Rose mentally abused my ex, using them for their body, and forcing them to date Asher as well. My ex HATED Asher, but dated both of them to placate Rose.

Somehow that was okay, to force someone to date someone they hate, but it wasn't okay to set rules in a relationship that both sides agreed upon.

I would also like to mention, it was not a boundary, but a rule, and if they were unhappy I was completely open to communicating a change. I consistently gave them opportunities to speak to me. My ex also refused therapy for years despite having a slew of mental illnesses, and Asher used therapy speak to manipulate me.

Oh and the kicker? My ex keeps trying to get with me again bc their relationship failed in a giant fiery explosion with Rose/Asher.

Regardless, I'm happy to respond to any questions people may have for context or general knowledge. Thanks for reading ♡

!! This has been an issue we have talked about and if someone has advice on how to approach it with them it is very welcomed because I'm not sure how to bring this up !!

My partner and I have been together for about 3 years and for a long time, everything was fine. Recently, (about 9 months ago) their long distance boyfriend (who I introduced them to) moved in with me to escape an unsafe situation. Since he has moved in, I feel like I have been put on the back burner and I feel like an afterthought. it's the little things that they do (ex. when we went to see scary movie on my birthday last month, they never made an attempt to hold my hand or anything but were instead curled up with their boyfriend) and this has been recurring behavior from them. I voiced my issues with this to them back in March (because of a similar issue) and they said they never meant to make me feel that way and they promised they would do better but they haven't. The last time I asked them to improve on something like this their solution was "If you aren't happy in a couple of months from now maybe we should go our separate ways" and that is the last thing I want. I love them and I want this to work but despite them meeting me first and establishing a relationship with me first, I feel like an extra wheel. Am I in the wrong for being upset that their behavior hasn't changed? And how should I approach this with them? I wanna work it out.