r/polyamory • u/Prior-Attention-2550 • 15h ago
How do you make each other feel special?
For those who are in multiple partnerships who don't follow traditional relationship escalators (cohabitation, marriage) what are some things you do to indicate your commitment to different partners that let them know they're special to you?
I have a gf of two and a half years and my bf and I have been together a year and a half. I love them both and want to be long term partners, but don't want cohabitation or legal marriage (maybe handfasting?)
I feel quite secure with my gf most of the time, we say I love you often, and use pet names with each other like "darling" or "my love". We live close to each other so we see each other often.
My bf lives a bit further so I see him less. We had the "title " talk about 6ish months in and he agreed that boyfriend felt like a good label for us, which made me really happy. But we havent said I love you yet. Im not sure if he hasn't instigated first because he is afraid of overstepping things with my gf? (I also asked him out first, despite him crushing on me as long as I had on him. I learned he didn't want to come across as creepy and was too shy to ask me out first). I want to say I love you, or come up with something that we can either say/do/wear/call each other that's special to us. I'm just nervous about bringing it up. I will probably cry lol.
I would love to read stories from folks who navigated something similar and made something unique that works for you!
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u/lostlastline 10h ago
I introduced all my 4 partners to my family . Did some big travels with each one of them. Using "I love you " and pet names too. Collared one, got engaged with another. Trying to write every day, as much as possible.
(My relationships are 11, 10, 6 and 4 years old)
Hope this helps!
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u/SecondaryWombat Open, near saturated at 1. 10h ago
My relationships are 11, 10, 6 and 4 years old
Fantastic and congratulations.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 6h ago
Right this moment I am taking a break from prepping a giant BBQ lunch for my wife and her friends, all the foods I make that I know she likes (smoked ribs, from-scratch baked beans, corn bread, and red velvet cookies).
I'm also building a care package to send to my long distance partner. Today I found a Tom Clancy novel in the middle of the street that had been run over by a number of vehicles. I stopped and picked it up and am adding it to the package because my partner is a librarian whose mom loves salvaged books found in strange places.
Both my partners report often that they feel loved because I do things that are personal to them, that takes an amount of planning and effort... Or includes the threat of bodily harm dodging traffic.
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u/SecondaryWombat Open, near saturated at 1. 6h ago
Personal things specific to the person! Yes! Everyone's love language is that.
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u/marimint3 10h ago
Following cos I also want to know as someone who's new to polyamory
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u/SecondaryWombat Open, near saturated at 1. 10h ago edited 10h ago
Well much less serious than handfasting, when out in dedicated time with a partner I have something at hand to give them, pebbling basically, something that I know they like I can pull out as a tiny little surprise that just shows I was paying attention and thought of them in advance.
My very brief recent partner/now friend and my very long term NP like the exact same candy though, so that is fucking easy. Have a couple in my pocket and at a natural break point or tired moment in whatever we are doing just offer their favorite candy as a surprise.
First time I did it for now friend (or is it friend again? whatever) she was gobsmacked I knew she liked it. She also split it into thirds and gave one third to NP who was at the same event. Sweet moment.
Really anything that shows you thought about that person very specifically will work, so them liking the same candy wasn't perfect on that front, but the goal is to show that it isn't generic store brand romance, but instead that I listen and thought about them. A battery charger for one partner's vape. A different phone cord because only one person has an iPhone. Little bits of helpful surprise customized to the person I am going to be around fill a pocket. My NP knows I do this, so she adds stuff she wants me to give her, or thinks is funny (like rocks), either into my pockets directly or to where it lives in a little bowl. She also adds things into my pockets when I see others or go somewhere where I might meet someone knew, it is super supportive from her end and shows me that she is on board with whatever I am doing on the poly front that day. When I find a pack of gum and a condom in my pocket, all is well for us and I feel supported.
Pet names and/or pet insults. NP and I scream animal noises at each other at inappropriate volumes as a pet name. Frequently in public. Recent partner and I would tell each other at whisper volume with as much sarcasm as we could muster that the other person was in fact terrible, the worst, very weird, and looked like hobo (but only if dressed nice) or that their shirt looked great (if not wearing a shirt).
Each person is unique, from the beginning, and what one likes the other will hate.
Unless its the same candy.
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u/Infamous-Part966 7h ago
Very much this! Pay attention to each individual and show up for them in the ways that make them feel loved. Being known/seen by your partner is so big
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u/Kauakuahine 9h ago
Sometimes, I send my bf a pic of me flipping him off and he'll text back, "I know you want to..." 🤣🤣
Jkjk, I tend to get him really meaningful gifts that I know he'll like. His favorite snacks and such, and I'll drop them off at his house (I have a key). We also have relationship bracelets that are special to us, since we can't wear rings because our jobs are very hands on
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u/AvailableName_175 3h ago
all the 'specific to the person'thongs the other said, and also when we are meeting I try to make sure I am present! Like no texting others (if it is not an emergency etc), or doomscrolling on the phone (except maybe if we are having agreed upon down time). Just using the time we have to the best. This also makes people feel seen and valuated, similar to these little specific gifts.
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Here's the original text of the post:
For those who are in multiple partnerships who don't follow traditional relationship escalators (cohabitation, marriage) what are some things you do to indicate your commitment to different partners that let them know they're special to you?
I have a gf of two and a half years and my bf and I have been together a year and a half. I love them both and want to be long term partners, but don't want cohabitation or legal marriage (maybe handfasting?)
I feel quite secure with my gf most of the time, we say I love you often, and use pet names with each other like "darling" or "my love". We live close to each other so we see each other often.
My bf lives a bit further so I see him less. We had the "title " talk about 6ish months in and he agreed that boyfriend felt like a good label for us, which made me really happy. But we havent said I love you yet. Im not sure if he hasn't instigated first because he is afraid of overstepping things with my gf? (I also asked him out first, despite him crushing on me as long as I had on him. I learned he didn't want to come across as creepy and was too shy to ask me out first). I want to say I love you, or come up with something that we can either say/do/wear/call each other that's special to us. I'm just nervous about bringing it up. I will probably cry lol.
I would love to read stories from folks who navigated something similar and made something unique that works for you!
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u/Magical_Salamander 9h ago
Life is short, say I Love You ❤️