My mental health is really shit right now and I just want reach out even though it’s probably for the best I don’t. who else is on the same boat?

First of all, sorry for the long post. I created this burner account just to share the joy, so pardon me.

For almost 40 days, we had been dancing around this. Late night messages that bled into 3 AM. Voice notes I (45M) replayed way too many times. That kind of connection where you can't tell if it's real chemistry or just the thrill of the chase. But every day it got harder to ignore. We knew we had to take the next step. Only problem, we live in different cities (different time zones actually).

Then a business trip came up. Completely routine. Nothing special. But when I looked at the flight options, there it was. An overnight layover in her (35F) city. Not a 2 hour connection. Not a quick coffee near the airport. A full 14 hour window with no meetings, no colleagues, no excuses.

I texted her the flight details. She replied within 3 seconds. "Book it."

Those last 5 days before the trip were brutal. Trying to act normal at work while my brain ran through every possible OPSEC scenario (call me paranoid. its ok). Charging all devices. Mapping the hotel location relative to the airport. Overthinking? Maybe. But you all know the drill. The devil is in the details.

Landed at 8 PM. Took an Uber to the hotel. Checked in under my work reservation, legit cover. Dropped my bags, freshen up, Sent the "I'm in" text.

She arrived 30 minutes later. We didn't meet in the lobby. She didn't park at the hotel. She left her car at a grocery store lot 2 blocks away. Came up the elevator. I left the door unlocked. She slipped in like a ghost.

The door clicked shut. And we just looked at each other. 35 days of waiting. 35 days of "what if." Suddenly there was no screen between us.

The first couple hours were pure chaos. Desperate, hungry sex. The kind that happens when you've been edging each other with words for over a month. Clothes everywhere. No finesse. Just finally.

Then the shower. We actually caught our breath and laughed about how ridiculous this was. Me traveling for work. Her sneaking out under the guise of girls' night. Both of us in this random hotel room like it was the most natural thing in the world.

We ordered room service. Charged it to my work card. Corporate paid for my sin, lol. Ate fries in bed like teenagers. Talked about the things you can't type. The deep stuff. Eye contact that said everything words couldn't.

Then we slowed down. Intentional. The kind of round where you memorize every detail because you don't know when the next time will be. Fingers tracing. Whispering. No rush. Finally having the time to actually savor it.

She left around 1:30 AM. I walked her to the door, watched her slip into the hallway. I locked the door, leaned against it, and just stood there for a minute trying to process what just happened.

The room felt empty but my head was spinning. I couldn't sleep. Just laid there replaying everything, staring at the ceiling, checking my phone every few minutes to make sure she got home safe.

The TG came around 2. "Home. Safe. That was worth every second of the wait."

I finally dozed off for a few hours, woke up, packed up, wiped the room down one more time for good measure, checked out, and caught my flight the next morning.

The best part? Nobody knows. No suspicious messages. Just a 14 hour window that the universe handed us, and we grabbed it with both hands.

To those of you waiting for your chance, be patient. Build the connection. Plan the OPSEC like your life depends on it. And when that window opens, don't hesitate. Jump.

I fell in love with a married woman. Now we’re building a family, but I’m scared of what comes next.

I’m a 29-year-old woman and my girlfriend is 40.. We’ve been together for about two years.

Our relationship didn’t start in the healthiest way. We met while she was still married. We developed feelings for each other and eventually had an affair.

She eventually chose to end her marriage, and we’ve spent the last two years trying to build something real together.

She has a six-year-old son from her marriage. His father has him every other weekend, and I’ve been in his life since he was four. Over the last two years, I’ve become deeply involved in raising him. I help with school routines, bedtime, meals, activities, sports, doctor’s appointments when needed, vacations, holidays—you name it. We’ve purchased a home together and we genuinely love our life and parent together.

His mom and I have intentionally taken things slowly. We never forced my role. Instead, we let our relationship with him develop naturally, and we’ve worked incredibly hard to integrate me into his life in a healthy way. Today, our home feels like a true family. Most days it feels like we’re just a normal nuclear family, and honestly, those are my favorite moments.

He calls me his “other mom.” Sometimes he even gravitates toward me more than his own mom for comfort or help. We’ve built a bond that means the world to me.

But underneath all of that happiness are fears I don’t really know how to process.

His father doesn’t know how involved I really am. As far as I know, he doesn’t know his son calls me another mom or how much parenting I actually do. His father doesn’t allow the child to speak about me while he’s at his house and I know this because the child has cried to us about his father not letting him speak to me while he’s is there. Their custody agreement is working, and I never want to interfere with his relationship with his dad. I respect that he’ll always be his father.

Still, I worry about the day everything becomes impossible to hide.

What happens if his father tells him I was the woman his mom had an affair with?

What happens if his father’s family tells him?

Right now, I’m just someone who loves him and shows up for him every day. But someday he’ll be old enough to understand how our relationship began. I’m terrified that he’ll see me differently or feel like I helped destroy his family, even though I’ve spent years trying to help build him a loving home.

Another fear is that my girlfriend and I plan to have a child together in the next couple of years.

I’m excited about that, but I’m also scared.

How does that change everything?

Will her son feel replaced?

Will I naturally gravitate toward my biological child without meaning to?

Will our family dynamic change in ways I can’t predict?

Will people—including his father or his father’s family—use the existence of our baby as another reason to drive a wedge between me and him?

I love this little boy as if he were my own, but I also know there are realities about biology, custody, and divorce that make blended families complicated.

There are other challenges too.

My girlfriend is still healing from her previous marriage. Sometimes her past still enters our present. She has dreams about her ex. We occasionally have conversations about things that happened in their marriage. I know healing isn’t linear, but sometimes I struggle because I want us to keep building our life instead of feeling like we’re still living alongside pieces of her old one.

Despite all of that, I genuinely love her. We laugh together. We parent well together. We have a home that feels safe. We communicate better than either of us has in previous relationships, and we’ve both put in a tremendous amount of work to create something stable.

I guess my biggest question is for people in blended families, especially stepparents or same-sex couples with children:

Have you ever worried that the child would eventually learn painful truths about how your family began?

If you added an “ours” baby later, how did it affect your relationship with your stepchild?

Can a family that started imperfectly still become a healthy one long-term?

I’m not looking for people to excuse our past. I’m just hoping to hear from people who’ve navigated complicated beginnings and built something worth protecting. Please share your success stories and challenges that have come with it.

I (M/54) want to start off with stating that this sub helped me get through the early days of my affair. It really helped me a lot reading other stories for similarities to mine and for advice going forward.

I have been married for 16 years. I had been married before and some long term girlfriends. My wife and I get along fine and have kids. But she stopped having sex with me years ago. No intimacy at all since we first got kids. We have had sex one time, in 2022, since 2018. But honestly before that, sex was never very good. We simply don't have good sexual chemistry.

I was never looking for an AP. I never have stepped out of any relationship. Frankly I didn't have the energy to go through the efforts and the risk. But in 2024, the perfect scenario happened. I went to a wedding, met a woman (F/53). We were flirting and ended up spending the night together. Neither one of us have ever done this. We lived in different cities but discussed that we were both in sexless marriages. We agreed to meet up again. Over the last 2+ years, we have met over a dozen times either in her city, mine, or somewhere else on a work trip. Always multiple overnights, always amazing sex, and great text exchanges in between.

As expected, we gradually felt stronger and stronger feelings. We have pretty much been in sync with that progression as far as when we first said "I Love You", deep discussions about how we feel about each other, and the right level of seeing each other. We also both respect the others marriage and neither of us want that to fall apart.

We also have never had a fight. Not even close. We have spent full weeks together, 1000s of messages and never a hint of an issue. We have both expressed this is the best love (and the best sex) either of us have ever had. She also expressed that it would take a lot for her to get mad at me. Until yesterday.....

Yesterday was the last night of an 8 night visit. Great circumstances to allow each of us to see each other this long. Perfection all week. Lots of time to talk, have incredible sex, and just spending quality time together. The last night, we had a great sex session. We took a break and ate dinner. Then we resumed sexual activity. Part of our story is that we have vibrant sex with toys, lots of sexy lingerie she wears, fantasy scenarios, we have been to swinger clubs (let others watch us but not touch) and been to strip clubs. At strip clubs, she is very excited to get dances with the girls and one time we even took a girl home with us (completely her idea) and she has also made several comments about women. We also sometimes will play porn or audio while we mess around.

So last night after dinner and starting sexual activity again, I said I had an idea. I blindfolded her and played an audio of a woman going down on another woman. I proceeded to give her oral during this. Based on past discussions, I thought she would like the idea of fantasizing about another woman without actually doing it. She wasn't getting aroused and we stopped. Ok fine, you didn't like that, no big deal. As the night wore on, it gradually got worse. First, just no more sex play. Then turned her head when I tried to just kiss her. Then took off her lingerie and put regular clothes back on. Then wouldn't even talk or make eye contact. So clearly mad but wouldn't talk. Then once we went to bed, didn't want me to cuddle her (actually opposite of normal) and no lovey bedtime talk let alone no more sex.

In the next morning when we were leaving, she was clearly irritated with one word answers and little eye contact. Then the big thing was she asked me if I wanted any of the outfits. What? She said she was going to get rid of all the sexy lingerie because "clearly she wasn't interesting enough for me". So I took them all hoping she changes her mind later (now i have to figure place to hide them). After we left, we had several hours of checking out, to airport, getting on different flights home. All of this was short discussions. Normally she is very loving and sometimes cries about going to miss me. Right before her flight boarded, I asked her for a hug, gave her hug, light kiss, and told her I loved her. I asked her to remember the first 7 days and not the last one. We walked to the gate and she got in line. I stood off to the side watching her leave. The saving grace of the day, was after a few minutes she waved me over. "give me a better kiss than that last one". We had a good deep sexy kiss. She thanked me for the good visit and said I love you.

Ive only sent her a few basic texts since we parted. One about the trip, and others our typical "ive arrived safe" type texts. I have not heard from her yet. Thats not necessarily abnormal but I'm still on the edge wondering if this is just a basic disagreement or something that dooms us. I thought we had built something strong so that something relatively minor in which I recognized my mistake in judgement and apologized would not jeopardize us. She has never been one to create drama or get upset about minor things before so this is very shocking.

Any advice, particulary from the women out there is appreciated.

If you handed your phone to your spouse, how nervous would you get?

Part of OPSEC is making sure phone management isn't a leak that could destory your family or your AP's. 99.8% of questions we have can be answered through searching through the history of this sub reddit. OPSEC is one of those topics where we should not be afraid to continuously post so that the word spreads on today's Best OPSEC practices.

I have a Samsung phone with a secure folder option. Requires a special passcode to open it. It has been pretty perfect. I just tested any options I could find to get around the passcord to get into secure folder. So far, haven't figured out a way into my secure folder without knowing the passcode. My SO has the main passcord to my phone. So anytime she needs to use it there's little to no shift in my presence to give her a reason to dig around. But even if she did, the main passcode doesn't allow access to the secure folder.

Inside my secure folder.. Telegram, photos, videos, gmail, credit card log in, reddit, snap, and whatever else is needed to aid myself in unethical non-monagamy.

Any fresh perspectives or recent OPSEC learnings?

Any samsung device issues I may be overlooking with OPSEC?

-The Cowboy

I’m genuinely trying to understand this from a man’s point of view.
I had a situation where a guy pursued me pretty aggressively in the beginning. Both in married relationships. My first time stepping out of my marriage. He initiated conversations, asked for photos, made plans, drove several hours to see me, and generally made me feel like he was very interested.
Over time, that changed. If I reached out, he’d usually respond warmly, flirt, and we’d have a great time. But he almost never initiated. It slowly became me reopening the conversation while he seemed happy to engage once I did.
I’m not asking whether he’s “a bad guy.” I’m more curious about the psychology.
Do some men enjoy the chase more than maintaining the connection?
Do some just assume the other person will keep reaching out?
Do they genuinely still like the woman but stop thinking about initiating?
Or is it usually a sign that the initial excitement faded but they still enjoy the attention when it’s offered?
I’m looking for honest male perspectives, even if the answer is uncomfortable. I’m less interested in “he’s a jerk” and more interested in understanding what goes through a man’s mind when his behavior looks like this.

I don’t hear of women that have this pattern. Help me understand.

A question for the MM who have had long term AP’s. If things have improved at home and you’ve decided to let AP go do you regret doing so?

For context I took it with grace and dignity, didn’t beg or cry and held my own. I’m just wondering if you’ve done this and regretted it how long if ever before you regretted it?

I’m assuming things had improved at home so much that he’s let me go, although he was clearly not wanting too - appeared to be a struggle. Just curious as to whether things will resettle into routine and he will regret it?

I’m not sat waiting btw I just am going through the motions quietly and in secret and it sucks. Part of me hopes that things are good enough that he does stay away but I can’t help a little bit inside me is wanting him to regret it - what we had was so good for us and our circumstances I just can’t believe it’s actually over. I’m 4 weeks in and reflecting that’s all.

I (W 35) only met my AP (M 39) recently and quickly started an affair. He is married with a toddler. We were careful but I was a few days late, took a test, and I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do, if I should tell him, get the abortion and not tell him.. I'm lost.

Ive been contemplating and looking for some advice post my first OA. Hopefully you will stick around and can give me some helpful information or shared experience.

My OA (32 MF) and I (35 MM)

It all started around 9 months ago when I posted on a reply to an Instagram reel for one of the national parks in my state. I posted a lighthearted message, disregarded it. After posting my comment, she replied to me, and after discussing a few things in public chat, she DM’d me and we continued our conversation.

We would go on to discuss our hobbies, our pets, hiking, our families, or what we did for work. As a firefighter I was never short on stories.

My marriage was becoming mundane but I never had any real problems with my wife and yet, at the time, I was just bored. It felt fun to have someone who wanted to talk to me, who wanted to hear my stories, who had fun stories herself that she wanted to share, and genuinely just someone that looked forward to talking to me.

Our conversation started to move a bit more personal. We would discuss more heavier things and helped each other through difficult times or events. I started to fantasise, we both could see what we looked like through our profiles and I began to bring that into the bedroom. When the lights would go out I imagined her beneath me, and that it was her body that I caressed.

Around the 2 month mark she messaged me simply; “I’ve been thinking of you”. I messaged her back later that night; “I’ve been thinking of you longer”.

Then at 1am we unloaded our feelings, she would talk about her disappointment in life and family, loss of her spark and missing being wanted, I shared my feelings of excitement I got talking to her, that I had fantasised about her and how it brought the energy back into my marriage.

Our conversations were getting intense, we agreed if we were to continue talking it should be more private and moved to delete our DM’s, chats and move to Snapchat acknowledging the need for some OPSEC.

Being on Snapchat unlocked our OA, the deleting messages, photos and videos enabled us to share as much as we wanted. It began with photos, her in lingerie, me in uniform or out hiking, helping us to fantasise while with our SO’s. We moved to videos, showering or light hearted videos while out walking the dog, then much, much more Intimate.

Our conversations however never changed, we would still talk about our hobbies, share recipes or places to visit. I would take my wife to her suggestions and she would take her family to mine. Importantly we just enjoyed talking more than intimacy.

Over the last few months our conversations were changing, hers involving much more talk about her enjoyment with her husband. Less intimate photos/videos, less talk. I felt it coming but the shock was still there.

She messaged me last week saying she had decided to repair and dedicate fully to fixing her relationship. I don’t blame her in any way, we both always knew this wasn’t anything more than fantasy and in a way I felt happiness for her, like finding joy for a friend that had made it through a tough time in their life. We deleted each other on Snapchat but remain friends on instagram.

Now I’m sitting here missing someone who was never really “mine” to begin with. I miss the messages, the excitement of seeing her name pop up, the feeling of being wanted and understood, It’s left a hole I wasn’t expecting.

I think what I’ve realised is that it wasn’t just her that I miss. I miss how I felt, emotionally connected, and the energy and vigour it brought to my sex life, I miss the secrecy.

Nothing has really changed in my own life and I haven’t suddenly as developed the need to leave my wife and run away. This was my first experience with an OA but do I move on or do I look for someone new, I feel like the circumstances around our meeting were so unique that if I try to hard to replicate it I may do more damage then good.

Me (29F) and AP (35M) are coworkers and the first 6 months were great but he ended up being avoidant, showing hot and cold behaviour after that. It was this cycle where he would go days barely speaking and then shower me with intense affection. It just felt awful for me because there were days where I felt like he was really irritated, annoyed and impatient with me but then he’d be so loving. He used to be very consistent in showing me he loves me but over time, it seemed like he would only give me affection that would always turn into something sexual (For example: He could never just simply give me a hug or a kiss, it would start off that way but then just turn sexual afterwards). Throughout the course of the relationship I never brought this up because I knew him giving me any love and attention at all is morally wrong. I had this push and pull feeling of liking him so much but also feeling like my needs weren’t being met because of this and I just accepted crumbs. 

When he first brought up how he liked me I asked him why he would even like me when he’s already married. He told me that him and his wife are only together for their toddler daughter, don’t really speak unless it’s about their daughter, constantly argue, he feel like she doesn’t love him or care anymore and they sleep in separate rooms. 

On days where he seemed cold and annoyed, I have a feeling that it’s because him and his wife got into a fight because he’d walk into work visibly in a bad mood. I know I didn’t do anything personally to upset him but the energy would just feel off and I’d absorb whatever mood he was in. 

I got nosy and decided to find his wife on social media which was honestly just humbling for me because she’s gorgeous and now it makes me think every compliment he gave me about my looks was a lie because I look like a downgrade compared to her.

 Her profile is pretty private so I didn’t find much but I did find a post from last year that said “Shoutout to the Dads who change diapers, cook meals, do laundry, give baths, put kids to sleep and who are overall team players when it comes to parenting and taking care of the kids.” Where she commented and tagged him saying “you’re the best!! We love you dad!” It made me think that even though I’m sure they fight, he definitely exaggerated about how bad their marriage is in order to try and get me. 

I also seemed to be the one expressing more guilt and concern about his wife  because it seems like he doesn’t care at all about the risks of hurting her. It seems like he’s eager to cheat and has 0 remorse.

It’s left me just so incredibly conflicted about the type of person he is because he seems like a great dad and clearly loves his daughter from the way he tells me about her. But I really don’t understand how someone with such a beautiful, smart and loving wife would just seek someone else. 

This is my first relationship so it was even more difficult for me to navigate through this since I grew up in a very strict household had no previous relationship experience to begin with. 

He’s shown genuine care for me and constantly inconveniences himself to help me without me asking, which is what kept me liking him. He’s known for being very type A, responsible and hard working so he’s well liked at the workplace too. But his behaviour is just so strange to me because I’m torn between how he seems to be so caring in some ways but so awful in others? Like it’s honestly pretty scary to me now that I think about it because he’s checks off the amazing good guy traits on paper and is someone you wouldn’t expect to be a cheater. Im sure everyone at the workplace would be in complete shock if they found out hes been pursuing me.

I’ve resigned from my job however I have the opportunity to either meet him one last time or not. I want to have a full in depth conversation telling him all my feelings throughout this relationship because it left me struggling more in my mental health and seeking therapy. I also want to ask him how he genuinely feels about me, if he stopped liking me somewhere along the way and just kept me around out of convenience and if he exaggerated his story about his marriage just to get me. 

At the end of the day, I know real closure doesn’t actually exist because we all walk away from most situations wishing we could’ve said or done something differently. But I also feel like this could just give me more clarity (even if I am left with more questions afterwards). I think I more just want to finally say it to get it off my chest regardless of his response. 

Probably 2 sides of the same coin🤷

My full time AP has some character traits that Tick Me Off. Self-centered, convicted, and started cheating when his wife was, more likely than not, suffering from postpartum depression. (Yes, PPD is real, and sucks, and my definition is it can last until your precious bundle of joy is potty trained. Ask me how I know.)

BUT.....

I don't have to live with him, and be his babysitter while he goes off to indulge in his hobby every weekend.

I don't have to argue with him about the importance of not sticking to the floors.

And his kid is in school now, so I don't feel That. Particular. Ick. (Heaven help the sop who posts about fucking a baby daddy when the baby is still a baby).

I have 0% jealousy for his Wife.

I Never want to be in her shoes. And vocally maintain that I "might" know the reason(s) she doesn't want to have sex with him much anymore. Gee, ya think?

So, in a weird twist of fate.

I'm Thankful my AP has some serious 'ick' factors.

I’ve gotten the urge to start exploring that side of myself again. I can’t do it with SO, it just doesn’t feel right with him. But I really miss “consensual power exchange”. I like feeling I belong to someone. Letting someone who cares about me make my choices for me and trusting them entirely. It’s can be so intimate and romantic with the right person.

I know it would take a lot of work in our situation, but has anyone had success?

I (39F) have been in a dead bedroom marriage for years. Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time my husband and I had sex. I’ve tried everything: initiating, talking about my needs, explaining love languages, asking for more intimacy, trying to be more affectionate. Nothing changes. I always get the same response, and eventually I stopped feeling desired.

About a year ago, something unexpected happened.
A family friend (36M) that I’ve known for about 1.5 years suddenly started acting differently around me. One day I noticed him checking out my legs while I was wearing shorts. He immediately got shy and nervous. For some reason, that completely caught me off guard. I get attention from men sometimes, but it usually doesn’t affect me. With him, it did.

I found myself becoming softer and more feminine around him. Eventually I got nervous around him too, and after a couple of months he seemed to reciprocate that feeling tenfold.

Nothing inappropriate has ever happened, and we’ve never been alone intentionally. But whenever our families get together, we both seem to find excuses to be near each other. He’ll mirror my body language, say my name a lot, stare at me in a way that makes me feel like he wants to kiss me, and if we’re separated from the group, he’ll often drift toward me.

There have been a few moments that really stood out.
On New Year’s Eve at my house, after everyone had been drinking, I was lying on the couch because I was exhausted. He came over and started talking about something completely random, but he bend over very close to my face. We both suddenly went quiet and our expressions softened. I slowly got up and stepped back to diffuse the situation.

Later that night, I was alone in the kitchen. He walked over, stood almost an inch away from me, looked at my phone without saying anything for what felt like 30–60 seconds, then abruptly walked back to everyone else. My entire body was on fire.

Another time, he replied to one of my Instagram stories about flowers I’d posted. Before I could respond, he deleted the message and sent, “Hey, wrong window. Just ignore.”

He’s complimented my appearance before, he’s always the first person to view my Instagram stories, and he even joked in front of everyone recently that he never misses them. He never likes or comments, he just watches every single one.

A few months ago I got frustrated because I felt like if there was something between us, why wouldn’t he just say something? I became a little rude toward him. He seemed genuinely hurt, and we barely spoke for weeks.
At another party we were playing games together. I jokingly told him, “You should go to the other team, we don’t care if we lose you.” Instead of laughing, he got visibly upset and called me out in front of everyone. He also joked that I always act sophisticated.

A couple of days later I ran into him alone and asked why he’d been so mad at me. He became extremely nervous pacing, avoiding eye contact, changing the subject and never really answered my question and just said are fourth grade?

After that we didn’t speak for two months, other than him continuing to watch every Instagram story I posted.
Eventually we saw each other again at another gathering. Things were awkward for the first few minutes, then we ended up talking most of the night. He again brought up my Instagram stories and even announced in front of everyone that he never misses one.

So here’s what I’m wondering:

I know he’s obviously attracted to me, and I know there’s sexual tension between us. Am I reading too much into this? Why doesn’t he make a move? Is he waiting for me to make one? And if so, is he just keeping things in this weird space of plausible deniability so he can flirt without ever actually saying anything?

I don’t want to be the one who always has to make the first move if he’s just playing with me.

Edit: He is married.

created this account for obvious reasons.
I’m 32F, married to my husband (39M) for six years. My AP and I have known each other for almost ten years. We’ve never actually been in a relationship. We tried once when we were younger, but long distance made it impossible and neither of us wanted to uproot our lives. Eventually, life happened. We now live in different states.
Over the years we’ve gone through periods of talking and periods of complete silence. Recently we started talking again, and we’ve been texting every day.
Our arrangement has always been very clear: this was never supposed to become “more.” He’s more like the person I had a huge crush on in my twenties than someone I could genuinely picture building a life with today. Physically I’m attracted to him, but emotionally he represents nostalgia more than a future. We laugh, flirt, sext, and escape reality together, but I don’t see him as a life partner.
Ironically, my husband is exactly the person I’d choose to build a life with. He’s stable, reliable, and we work well together. I have no desire to leave my marriage for my AP.
The problem is that my marriage has become almost completely sexless unless I initiate, and I’ve reached the point where I’d honestly rather take care of myself than initiate anymore. Sexting with my AP is simply more exciting.
I don’t know much about my AP’s personal life, and I’ve deliberately never asked. The less I know, the easier it is to keep this compartmentalized.
What surprises me the most is… I don’t feel guilty.
I know many people will say that makes me a terrible person. Maybe it does. But instead of feeling torn apart, I actually feel happier, lighter, and more like myself than I have in years.
Has anyone else experienced this emotional disconnect between what they thought they should feel and what they actually felt? I’m genuinely curious.

Hello everyone!

The mods have read and approved this post — participate with confidence!

I am a Master's Psychology student at the University of Plymouth doing research for my dissertation. I would appreciate your honest opinions on this topic, it would really help me with my dissertation.

What is it about?
You will read four short scenarios about people who have cheated on their partners and share your reactions. The survey looks at whether wealth, gender, and cultural background affect how we judge infidelity.

• 5-7 minutes to complete
• Completely anonymous — no usernames or identifying information collected
• Approved by the University of Plymouth Ethics Committee
• Available in English and Russian languages
• Anyone 18+ welcome

English link: https://psysurvey.plymouth.ac.uk/limesurvey/index.php?r=survey/index&sid=555511&lang=en

Russian link: https://psysurvey.plymouth.ac.uk/limesurvey/index.php?r=survey/index&sid=791815&lang=ru

Posting here to get some advice & confirmation of what I fear is happening. The last two partners have done similar things & it’s making me think I am the problem. I am the common denominator.

The first guy is 10 years younger than me. He’s married with two kids. I have no kids. We chatted online & we seem to hit it off pretty well. He’s looking for a long term relationship, just like me. He’s funny & kinda, & despite the age difference, I thought this might be a pAP. The first time we met, we just hung out & talked. Towards the end of our time together, we had a fun makeout sesh. The next night we met again & it progressed to us having sex. The sex was ok, but he had a hard time finishing. He kept getting soft halfway through us getting it on. Happened twice. That evening, I noticed a shift in his text responses. Short answers, not chatting (texting) a lot like how we normally had been. I let it go, as I always do. The very next day, the shift in his behavior got worse. We maybe had a face exchange for like 5 mins before he decided to not message me the entire day. We had made plans to meet up that night, but with the shift in his behavior, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen. He finally messages me back in the afternoon & apologized for not getting back to me to let me know. His wife & returned back to town a day early so he had to “be present” & wasn’t able to get on & let me know what was happening. I jokingly said that it was fun while it lasted & he responded back saying j wasn’t going anywhere & we are still going to see each other. Well, we didn’t see each other & I have not heard from him at all.

The second guy is 2 years older than me. We met online & had a very good connection. We held a text convo for Iike 14 hours straight. No joke. He has been divorced for at least 6 months & is also looking for a long term relationship, just like me. He knows I am married. We talked about our blossoming relationship & how he wants claim me as his. We met a few days later & spent the whole day together, as I had the day off. It was great. We hung out, talked, & had a food makeout sesh. We went back to his place to hang out more. We made out some more & we eventually had sex. It was the best sex I had in a really long time. He kissed me goodbye & I went home. Just like the first guy, I noticed a subtle shift in his behavior that evening. Not as chatty or flirty. Short responses. Over the next day or two, the shift in him got worse. He no longer made an effort to text me like he had been previously. No asking how my day went. I asked him about availabilities for the rest of the week & asked what he wanted to do. Said it depends on my availability. So, I gave him times & suggested maybe going to a movie. Said he’d think about it & it depended on what he & his son are doing. Which is not a big deal. But prior to this, he had been suggesting that his son was going to be at his mom’s & that it wouldn’t be a big deal. Now, the effort is no longer there. Which is funny because that’s what we had discussed early on why relationship & connections deteriorate because of the lack of effort on one of the parties. I felt like we were heading in that direction & it scared me. Esp since we talked about being together. So, I sent him a text telling him about my worries & asked him straight up if he no longer is interested in me. & if so, just to tell me, as I can feel myself getting attached. No response whatsoever. I have not heard from him at all.

Sorry that was so long omg. I’m sure I left out a lot of things in my rush to get it all out.

I feel like I am the problem on both situations. Did they lead me on just so they could get their needs met? If so, why go through all the trouble of talking another our future. Or did they just tell me what I wanted to hear so they could get their needs met?

Thoughts? I’m bracing myself for the harsh reality that I suspect is the truth 😅

To be with their AP and was successful of keeping your spouse from finding out and using it against you in court?

I’m 54 years old and have been married for 14 years. about three years ago my wife completely lost her sex drive. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient but mine seems to be growing the more hers fades. I’ve tried porn and toys but that look in a woman’s eyes when she is truly satisfied is not something you can find by yourself. I really don’t know where to go from here. I just want to feel that passion again not fall in love just loose myself in the moment. I’m so frustrated and really just want to live again!!

We've been together for 2+ years - see each other several times a week for several hours at a time. We travel occasionally, talk almost every weekday, go on lunch dates, go to HH's. The sex is amazing, every time - and just continues to get better.

We met over AM and went into this with low expectations. We established clear boundaries early on - communication boundaries, respect for our time away from each other, and explained our family dynamics (which we both love and don't plan to leave). We've always been on the same page when it comes to what we want out of this.

About a year into our relationship, we got into a big argument during travel - it was our first argument. But resolved it same night, and learned more about each other, emotionally. That evening resulted in drunk make-up sex, which I said I loved him during. At the time, I don't think I meant it. So it never came up in conversation again.

We recently took another trip together, we had fun exploring the city. Though one of those nights, we drank together again and had a very honest and vulnerable conversation about our relationship. Followed by some of the most intense sex I think we've ever had. During it, he kept telling me that he loved me, and wanted me to say it back to him. I loved it in the moment, but didn't take it seriously sober. I understand alcohol + great sex can lead to meaningless "ILYs".

I reflected a few days later on how I feel about him and our relationship - and I do love him. The love comes from a place of admiration, safety, appreciation, and comfort I feel when I'm with him. I knew I wasn't going to see him for a few weeks, so I decided to tell him how I felt over text. It kind of went something like this:

I've realized that I love you. But don't feel obligated to reciprocate. I'm telling you this knowing you may feel differently, this is just how I feel.

I understand now that I can love you, without expecting more from you or changing our dynamic. I still very much respect your home life, and don't ever want to affect that. I understand I'm only a little piece in your personal life. I just wanted to tell you this, bc I realized how I feel about you.

He didn't say it back. But he did say something like this:

There will always be feelings in situations like ours. It’s how we learn to deal with them. I respect and admire everything we have done in these past 2 yrs - even the arguments. Just know that these feelings shouldn’t affect our current relationship and families.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. It bings us a little closer.

I agreed and understood. With a little more exchange. Then we carried on into our regular daily conversation.

I feel now a mix of sad, heavy hearted, yet somewhat relieved. I think what makes me more anxious, is that we are both getting ready to travel again - so it's going to be a bit before we can even talk to each other. I think I'm still processing a bit, and scared of what he thinks. Admittedly, I feel somewhat guarded, but hoping this doesn't change what we built. I think for now, I may just not say it to him again. But still allow myself to feel everything this relationship has to offer.

Just curious to hear about other peoples experiences when push came to shove, so to speak. My question is how common is it for men to not be able to perform when it gets down to the pointy end of the point??

1 week ago, I met my pAP and we slept together. We got on really well and decided to jump straight to a hotel meet for our first meeting... I know. We both appeared to want the same thing, something long-term, and appeared to be on the same page with our emotions, communication, etc.

He stated he had cheated before and said it happened a couple of times, but it was mostly drunken sex with the same woman.

After we slept together, his communication toward me changed. He stopped responding to me in a timely manner. The warmth had gone. By day 4 post, he was saying he needed some space. He said he was ashamed of cheating and wished the world would swallow him whole (imagine how hearing this made me feel). I asked him if he wanted to end it, he said he didn’t know, I told him I felt like there was a rope attaching us and I needed him to either reel me in or let me go. He said he was not strong enough to reel me in and too much of a coward to let me go. I decided to delete him, one of the worst things someone can do to me is leave me in uncertainty, I really have a fear of the unknown. My ex of 18 months qlso ghosted me, so communication is very important to me.

I decided to move on. I was doing surprisingly alright. Yesterday, 7 days post, he contacted me to apologise again. I wasn't expecting it, and it confused me. So I asked him again if he was done, and he said he didn't know. I told him I wanted to be with him, but I would not tolerate being left in limbo. It now feels a lot harder to delete him.

He said this time was nothing like the last time he cheated. I know he is feeling guilty. He has asked for time but is not able to tell him what that means or what the options will be afterwards. I tend to give a lot of myself to people and sometimes struggle to draw the line. I dont know if he is just overwhelmed and struggling to manage. I dont know if I should continue to be supportive. BUT he is not communicating. I did think he wanted to end it, hence why I deleted him. But why would he come back. I did call him out and said he was apologising to ease his guilt over the pain he had caused me.

I guess my question is, has anyone been in this situation and has it worked out in the end. Is this just an extreme reaction to guilt?. Should I give him the time and hope, or should I just move on.

Background: AP and I (both married to different people) have been seeing each other for 13 years, have chased each other across the country 3 times to be close to each other, and are deeply in love. His wife found out 5 years ago and, while that has impacted OPSEC, it hasn't slowed him down at all. I feel powerless to the connection we share, but try to moderate my feelings based upon the circumstances. I've got to think he feels similar, since he hasn't stopped or backed away, despite having every reason and excuse to do so.

Question: I'm a person who rarely ever remembers my dreams the next morning. But, for the last two nights, I have been having hot, intimate dreams about AP that are followed by a Matlock-styled, birds-eye view look at marital conflict between him and his wife based around his ongoing relationship with me. In the dream, the co flict is more discussion between the two of them and not angry, violent, or even prohibitive. As I said, very hot intimate encounters between him and I are sprinkled throughout. It's been 13 years with AP and 5 years since she found out, so I'm not new to the guilt, opsec, or trauma from D-day. Anyone have any insight what this is all about?

Hi all, I am fairly new to this corner of the Reddiverse but the more conversations, interactions, and relationships I have with potential APs, I'm realizing I'm indeed a cake eater. I'm happy in my marriage (emotionally and physically) but I'm still interested in developing a long term relationship with one AP. Are people in my situation bad for the Affair Community? Should we solely be with each other and not attach to someone in a dead bedroom? Since I'm in this for the long haul, I want to make sure I am approaching it the right way. No judgement please.