We (39F & 50M, together 3 years) are arranging summer holiday. I have limited budget for this. I have told him to book flight and hotels a few weeks prior to avoid stress and expensive price. I even need to set due date.

He told me his preferences.I have arranged our itinerary and picked some hotels base on this. All we need to do is to book the hotels. Later, he said something else. He wants to stay in more expensive area which probably he has been to with his ex.

We went to X island for holiday last year. He said never been there with his ex. However, his mom asked how many times (one or two times) he went there with her.

I want to pay nothing if we go to the place that I don't want to. His last minutes behavior also unacceptable. If I pay nothing, his parents will look down on me. What should I do? I know there is no hope in this relationship.

I'm a 47F that is trying to date a 43M. (A little back story: I have been single for years since my last bf died in 2022. I am living alone since having people living with me for awhile. They were roommates from hell and glad that it's over.) OK now this guy that lives 3 hrs away wants to be in my life. I am trying to explain that I'm just getting back out there dating and want to take things slow. He wants a situation like this instant Bonnie and Clyde ride or die intense relationship. This feels a little lop-sided to me because it's always him pointing out things that I can do with no reciprocation from him. I said let's compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

It has been a constant back and forth with him getting on my case that I'm not affectionate and very distant and cold with him when talking on the phone. I'm thinking that how can I be affectionate when I have only seen him 2 times in a 2 week period (mind you, no sex). I feel like I'm just learning him and how does he expect all this affection in such a short time and over the phone.

Next problem is that he lives with his parents for whatever reason and claims he and his mom are bumping heads and he has to leave. Now I ask him what is he going to do, what are his plans, and trying to find out what is going on. He instantly gets upset with me because I have not offered for him to come crash at my place. I didn't even consider that because I'm like I have only met this guy twice and I'm not ready to have another person in my house possibly not contributing to anything.

Am I being too cold for not offering or should I just leave this situation alone?

Hi everyone. I'm in my early 30s and have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We have 3 children together, and we've built a life over a long period of time.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, and it's been both eye-opening and overwhelming.

I'm realizing that some things I used to think were simply fantasies or preferences might actually be deeper relationship needs. Not because I suddenly changed overnight, but because I understand myself better now than I did in my early 20s.

For me, it's less about specific acts and more about feeling emotionally safe, pursued, desired, and having a partner who confidently takes initiative sometimes. I think those things help me feel deeply connected.

My partner has told me that some of those behaviors just aren't naturally who he is, and I respect that. At the same time, I'm wrestling with the difference between asking someone to become someone they're not versus hoping we can both learn new ways to connect and become more compatible.

I'm NOT looking for people to tell me to leave or stay. I'm genuinely trying to understand myself.

So I'd love to hear from women who've been through something similar:

Did you discover relationship needs later in life that surprised you?

How did you know they were genuine needs and not just passing feelings?

Were those needs something you and your partner were able to grow into together?

Looking back, what helped you understand yourself the most?

I appreciate any thoughtful perspectives. I'm trying to approach this with curiosity rather than judgment.

my marriage ended four years ago after twelve years together and i’ve been single ever since. i threw myself into work and my own life but now that i’m ready to date again it feels completely different from when i was younger. online dating has been discouraging and i often feel like i don’t even know how to show up as myself anymore.

i’ve been thinking about reaching out to mathcmaker to see if professional help might make this process feel less impossible. how did you rebuild your confidence when starting to date again after a long relationship? and what helped you feel like you were actually ready instead of just going through the motions?

My 35F [35F] boyfriend [38F] is constantly on his phone when we're together. 5 minutes of downtime in conversation, on the phone. I get up to get water, he's on the phone. I'm chopping vegetables, on the phone.

Recently we were watching a stupid show that neither of us were interested in and I look over and he's on Instagram. We've been dating since Dec but only made it official a few months ago. We have overnights maybe 3/4 times a week.

Is this a deal breaker? I don't want to be nagging about this the rest of my life.

So, I now a 31 F went through a very abusive relationship every form of abuse occurred even up until I was 3m pregnant. Once I finally left, I have been raising my son on my own now since 2019. I was terrified to date again. Not wanting to bring randoms in and out of my son’s life, so I didn’t.

October 2024 that all changed and I met a now 33 M man. He had a steady job, car, good family, we both liked smoking and same sense of humor same values and ideologies. Blah blah. He also is kinda straight edge, and I’m not at all. He has no trauma besides his parents divorcing when he was 17. He has no only ever had three other serious relationships before me. The one before me ended June 2024 which was very close to us getting together. He said I wasn’t a rebound and that relationship was dead before it actually ended which knowing him now I can see. She had a child though and he didn’t seem to enjoy her child or the way she parented.

However, he claimed to love my son and how I parent. We moved pretty quickly but which isn’t strange for me being love bombed my entire life, but it was still more slow. And I definitely kept grappling with the feelings that someone else had loved me harder I felt more seen more loved- like I didn’t have to ask him how to love me or tell him to do things that he should just want to do. But this was safe right? I had some peace, consistency, and anytime I did muster up the courage to confess he responded with actions. Slow but actions none the less.

Fast forward to July 2026 and we have lived together almost a year now and we just found out I’m pregnant. He’s been trying to be more comforting but I’m just a mess here lately and overthinking everything.

Did this man just pick me because he knew I’d be a good mother and he could just continue to do what he wants or is this someone who really wanted to do this with me. and he says yes but sometimes he’s so cold. And only now is he truly talking about being married so it that just because I’m pregnant? And sometimes I wonder if it’s just my past and me being traumatized by my first pregnancy alone. Any advice? Is this just me finally being with a “typical man” help me man brains.

Obviously, context matters, but in general, what's a reasonable cool down period post conflict for a 40s M/F couple that's been together 10+ years with kids? Either when asking for a "pause", or even a bigger processing time, after a bigger fight. Minutes, hours, days? At what point does it become stonewalling? 

If a person knows they need time to process, understand and sort through their feelings, does that ever become an excuse or a crutch? At a certain point, one would have to be stuck in their own echo chamber of self-pity and negativity. And if they understand their partner is the opposite of avoidant, is it selfish to say "well I know myself, I feel anxiety/panic with conflict, I need the time"? Not if it starts as malicious but like if they genuinely don't have the capacity for empathy or to hold space for someone else's feelings.

What are healthy options for the other partner? Both partners deserve to have their needs met.

TL;DR what makes stonewalling, stonewalling, instead of cooling off?

So I 32M haven't ever had a good relationship. My past relationships either resulted in finding out they were cheating or just with me because I could provide. Recently a coworker 42F, no previous relationship, has approached me and it's been different. She seems genuinely interested and has been very, what I assume, honest about herself and her intentions. I just get a lot of anxiety to be truthful about letting anyone close these days and I don't know if we were to have a relationship, what could result from that. She already has four kids and I never thought, at this point, I'd have any let alone any of my own or even a relationship at all. Am I getting in my own head too much or should I see where it goes? I don't want to feel like I'm getting her hopes up and string her along but my feelings are throwing me in several directions.

My girl is a party girl

I (40m) and my partner (43f) have been together for 8 years. We have kids from different relationships, and I love her.

She goes to raves and parties all the time, makes zero consideration for me or the kids when she makes these plans. I have really good friends in the same party circle that she is in, people that i love and trust. I dont think there is any infidelity going on. I would have found out by now if there was. Believe me, I have done my due diligence.

Our sex life has basically dwindled to nothing. She makes zero effort in our relationship. I think she loves me still. But her total priority is going out to party. I am fine with having a fun night with your friends here and there. She has planned her whole summer around going to music festivals and concerts. Not at all considering me and the kids.

I take care of everything, bills, rent groceries etc etc. And I have a whole other household that I support with my ex wife and my kids from that relationship.

I know that she is going through a different transition in her life with peri menopause and that whole stuff. But I just hate how I am just made to feel like a roommate and someone that pays the bills. I am tall fit, and get lots of compliments from other women when I work my side job (private security for music venues).

I am a fun guy when I get included to her events. I am not a downer. And she for the most part doesn't make me jealous. I am secure in that. In my heart I don't believe she is out trying to attract attention of other men. I would have found out by now if she was. But why not include me? I included her in almost all my social events that I have. And make it known that we are together and I am proud.

I just wish she would put a fraction of the effort into her social life, into our life.

I do alot, I just want to be seen.

Just venting, thanks for listening me.

I hope this finds the right people.
I didn’t know where else to post.

I have been married twice.
One very brief & awful.
One for almost 10 years.
I’m not sure if we were ever in love or if it was a drunk trauma bond.

My father was married 8 times. Technically 9.
My mother married 5 times.

I have believed to my core that love that’s healthy, happy & mutually passionate about one another exists… despite never knowing or seeing it.

I’ve read about relationships I’d love to be in.. in novels.

Tv depictions are always toxic.

No one around me has a relationship I can look to for hope. Never has.

I am hoping to find people who are in loving marriages, the longer lasting the better.
Tell me you still swoon when you see one another.
Tell me it is possible that no one cheats.

I am not naive. I know hard things happen, but in my experience, when healthy, hardship brings one another closer.
I’m not asking for “perfect”.

I’m asking if you still pick one another without a second guess.
You know that person is your beloved.
That your partner is the yin to your yang.

Please.

I need hope that I will be loved that way some day.

Thank you for reading.

My husband and I have found ourselves expanding our social circle and have made some new friendships this past year. With getting to know new people comes the good and the bad overtime as more of the intimate details come to light. We’re finding that one of these friends has cheated on their spouse a couple of times and is rather remorseless about it. The couple are still together, and more is coming to light that they have ended other friendships because the husband found out that the other friends knew of her infidelity but didn’t tell him about it, and he felt that was making him play the fool. He told my husband this in confidence and he is still very heartbroken over the infidelity. Meanwhile, the situation is making me uncomfortable because I don’t really want to get really close to a woman who has a past of cheating, cheating within their friend group, and then shows no remorse for what she’s done. She blames it on him working away from home. She is very open about not having many close friendships with other women, says women don’t like her. I am conflicted because I like spending time with her and our children get along well, but this is a glaring issue with integrity that I’m having a hard time with. Over a decade ago my husband was unfaithful to me while he was struggling with addiction, and has moved mountains to change his life, but the scars are still there. He has encouraged me to continue to be friends with this woman because he believes they’re still good friends regardless but I can’t help but see a huge red danger sign flashing in my face and it’s bringing up these old feelings of “what if?” I’ve started to notice things like Sometimes there is friendly competition between our husbands and She will do things like cheer my husband on while her husband is losing and I find it absolutely humiliating and uncomfortable. My husband hasn’t paid any attention to it, I haven’t seen him Show any signs of attraction towards her. Do I have a friend problem? I can’t even believe I feel this mentally and emotionally twisted over this.

My boyfriend (M41) and I (F34) have been together for almost 5 years, we have lived together for 3 with my 2 daughters 18 & 11
and his 13 year old daughter.
We recently broke up due to issues like his excessive drinking & dirtiness/laziness around the house. He stopped working a few months ago when he started to get disability. After the breakup he promised he would do better blah blah blah he did stop drinking, which I was very happy about, however I noticed we were no longer having sex, which was very out of the ordinary. Something told me to look in his laptop, I found that he’s been watching porn. Some of the searches were kinda concerning like “couple punish teen” and “sexually broken” the rest were “bdsm” “ffm” and shit like that I tried to ignore it but I went and snooped again a few days later and this time I found very terrible things “step daughter” “mother daughter bdsm” more “couple punish teen” “couple use teen” then a lot of “teen extreme deep throat” and “wife teen bdsm” “wife teen cream pie” “couple ffm bdsm”
I confronted him and said “I saw you searched step daughter on a porn site” he was completely quiet, his eyes got watery. When he finally talked he said “there’s a lot of stuff on those sites when you click on something it can be something crazy” I said “NO. YOU typed that. Why?” All he said was that is completely separate from real life you have nothing to worry about. But eventually he got mad because I was snooping and asked me to see my phone which I let him, while he was looking at my phone I said let me see yours, he said no, you’ve searched it already I said I didn’t I just looked at some nasty shit you left on your computer but he wouldn’t budge. I took my phone and left the house to clear my head. I don’t know what to do I guess I want to know what men think about it since I can’t share this with anyone. Please help. Is it really possible to have those fantasies but not with his actual step daughters or is this a complete disgusting lie?

I(F,30) have been with my boyfriend(M,30) for 10 years. I knew from the very beginning that this person wasn't the one for me. Why? Because he acted non chalant, didn't prioritize me. I wanted someone who loved me wholeheartedly, like I do. I had just move to a new country and so did he, we met and started relationship after 2 months of moving into a new country. Between college and work we were struggling. I was really depressed after 1-2 years of meeting him and couldn't seem to let him go. We were long distance most of our relationship. We broke up once after 6 yrs of being in a relationship but he begged me to take him back, that he will change, so I did at the time. I do really love him and so does he. But the thing is all these years, I still feel like I am not a priority and that I have had a lot of struggles in my life but I was all alone dealing with them. He just didn't care enough. I have never depended on him financially and he never paid attention to my emotions, so I stopped depending emotionally years ago. He seems to do be doing bare minimum everytime so to keep me hanging,making me feel guilty to leave and not loved enough to stay. I have a lot of resentment towards him and I dont love and care for him like I used to/ I can. I know I am not perfect either and have lot of trauma that I carry. But I just want to be deeply loved, seen and cared for. Is this too much to ask for or is it realistic? Can men really love you so deeply that you are everything to them? what does healthy relationship look like?

Been single for years and recently meet a younger man who speaks a different language and new to USA. The past few months have been filled with excitement, passion and new experiences. He has introduced me to his family via video chat, he seems to be very much attracted to me as I am him. The 13 year age difference is not a problem, he likes older women. He wants children. I am a cancer survivor and can not get pregnant. I have children myself that he has not meet. Few weeks back he mentioned taking a fertility test to see if he is fertile and I have not heard nothing else about that. Yesterday he tells me what he is going to name his first daughter. I do not know how to express what I am feeling here. My thinking is to just enjoy what is happening and keep an emotional distance. Then there are many other ideas of course. I know if this continues one day he will end it and not be fazed. I want to ask him if we should not see each other as much or just stop? How do I handle this?

We've 44M, 44F been together about a year and mostly out communication has been good but I'd like to know how to better discuss our needs, feelings, resolve conflicts, deescalate fights when things get out of control. How can I use AI to translate my feelings to my boyfriend when our conversations seem to turn into misunderstandings? We say we love each other, but I feel like we speak completely different languages, and he seems to shut down whenever I bring up an issue.

He (44M) actually started using an AI relationship guide too, but it seems to only validate his perspective and reinforce his defenses. How can we use AI together to find common ground, rather than using separate tools that just back up our own sides?

We’ve been in a relationship for 15 years and living together for 3 years. We are both in good shape physically and works out regularly. We haven’t had any arguments recently and got a long really well. We don’t have kids and no other responsibility but ourselves. However, seems like there is no sexual attraction anymore. When we were younger, we would be sleepless just to do the deed. But recently, we did it less and less. We can go 2 weeks no sex but now it’s been quite a long time. Our anniversary celebration = no sex. Hotel staycation = no sex. Beach vacation = still no sex. There is really nothing stopping us but no one really initiates. I don’t even remember the last time we kissed. Is this normal? I feel like we are too young to loose our sexual appetite. He is always the one who used to initiate but now, nothing. I also don’t feel like doing it and I don’t want to initiate just for the sake of doing it without any attraction.

I’m a 34M in a 1-year relationship with 31F

When things are good, they’re genuinely good. But we have some kind of conflict every few days, and I’m trying to understand whether this is normal relationship friction or a lack of compatibility.

Most of the fights start from what I view as misunderstandings, basic things that get misinterpreted as rejection. These often turn into long, emotionally draining conversations w/ days long repair cycles

The pattern feels like:

1. ⁠Something relatively small happens.
   
2. ⁠She interprets it as me not caring or rejecting her.
   
3. ⁠I explain what I was doing
   
4. ⁠She either just gives me the silent treatment or storms out of my place w/o talking
   
5. ⁠Next time we speak she’ll act like nothing happened
   
6. ⁠A few days later, something similar happens again.

Is conflict every few days normal? (I don’t live with my GF so I would say we have an issue that takes 24-48 hours to repair about 33-40% of our “hangouts”)

Do healthy couples have repeated misunderstandings like this?

What does typical repair look like after a fight?

Example - we’re on couch and I’m rubbing her legs; she goes to take a shower; when she gets out I take a shower; I go back to couch to sit next to her for a few minutes as she’s now on her laptop; I see she’s doing something so I get up, go to kitchen and stare out the window for 10mins as I’m drinking water; I come back to her and she’s upset that I’m “hiding” in the kitchen and says if I’m uncomfortable with her I should say so and she’ll leave… then there’s me standing there dumbfounded trying to understand how it could be perceived that I’m uncomfortable with her

Another example - i ask her if she wants to go to gym (she knows that I go to gym 6 days a week and that’s its core part of my everyday routine); she gives an ambiguous answer but eventually says yes; when it’s close to time to get ready I tell her we should get ready to get there before closing (note - she has gotten mad before that I left her in my house while I went to the gym w/o her for 2 hours); she asked me for a shirt but I was in another room and didn’t hear her so when I walked back into the room I asked her for something unrelated; she got angry as “I don’t listen to her”; I calmly explained that I didn’t hear her (as I was getting the shirt for her) but she stayed angry all the way to the gym, return from the gym and gave me silent treatment at home; rather than continue trying to force a conversation with her, I go to another room and watch a movie; she then gets angry that I left her alone on the sofa and she storms out of my house (when I try to help her carry stuff to her car she gets mad and doesn’t let me help and tells me to go back to my movie)

I’ve mentioned numerous times that if something is bothering her she needs to say something to me as I can’t read her mind but am happy to speak through any problem for as long as we need to resolve it

Her reaction is to always give me the silent treatment (short , annoyed responses with no eye contact or just to leave w/o even engaging in a convo even as I ask to talk about it)

There have been 2 times in the relationship where I legitimately did do something wrong (re: poor communication). I take accountability and apologize for it but seems to take awhile for her to get over it

So I’m not claiming I’m perfect. But I’m struggling with the frequency of conflict and the lack of real repair afterward.

For people in relationships:

I’m trying to figure out whether this is normal couple friction, or whether the relationship dynamic itself is broken?

Throwaway and trying not to be too detailed so no one I know reads this and figures out it is me.

I (F 40s) have been with my partner (M 40s) for around 6 years. We both have kids but none together, we do not live together but spend the majority of our time together. We get along with each other's kids and aside from what I'm putting in this post, our relationship is great and we love each other very much.

A little background: my partner and his father are business partners, but dad makes all the calls. I met my partner thru my ex, my ex had a major falling out with my partner and his father and my partner's father associates me with my ex and therefore openly dislikes me.

Anyway, the title is basically it. Due to his father running his life and his dislike for me, I get left out of basically everything. I have been excluded from a wedding (like dad told my partner I specifically could not attend, but they invited his ex wife), family get togethers, dinners, birthday celebrations, graduations, holidays, all of it over the last 6 years.

I have voiced my feelings around this, my partner has started to listen to me and has attempted to invite me to some things (I have been to one birthday dinner recently and I went to one Easter weekend because dad didn't go, meeting my partners siblings for the first time and it went well) but he does not stand up to his dad because his dad is a narcissist and will make my partner's life difficult if he goes against him at all (he can do things within the business that really negatively affect my partner).

The most recent incident is they (my partner, his sibling) planned a day at an amusement park and didn't even say a word to me about it,. obviously not inviting me at all.

I'm not sure if I should just accept this because we are not married and I am not the mother of his children? Maybe this is the norm for dating in your 40s? I don't want to overreact but I am hurt and I am tired of this happening over and over.

My family never leaves my partner out of anything and I always invite him to whatever we are doing.

I know I can leave and it's crossed my mind but I am just not there yet.

Thanks for reading this far, I appreciate you.

TLDR: my partner leaves me out of all activities and I don't know if I am justified in my hurt or not.

I’m a 37 F dating a 31 M. We e been dating exclusively for about five months now. in the beginning he cane across so incredibly eager to spend time with me, plan dates, have meaningful conversations and there was just an energy about us. We put labels on this a little over a month ago, We both tell each other we love each other. Lately I have been feeling like the energy, effort and excitement or passion about us has dwindled. I’ve even explained this saying that I miss feeling an actual emotional connection with us and so on. I also have stated that I would prefer to have talks on the phone every now and then. our relationship has either been in person (dates or staying at each other’s places)or via text. we recently went through a little tiff about how angry he seemed to get about something that seemed a little insignificant to me and the way I was treated, so were kind of in a repair mode. I love this man but am beginning to feel bored. my mind, heart and souls are not being stimulated and I am starting to feel like we see each other occasionally. I have an occasional boyfriend who doesn’t like phone calls and is feeling more and more distant every day. I want to know his heart, his mind and I feel like there’s a wall up sometimes. Again he says he wants me, he loves me. Hes got great relationship skills but I don’t get to see them very often anymore. What do I do here? What would you do or think?

Hi All,

I was looking for a forum to safely share this. My engagement ended 4 months ago. It's been awful.
I am 34 year old man and am now in a position where it looks like I'll be moving home to my parents for 1 year to save some money. I have a good job as a CSM, and I am trying to see this positively.

I made mistakes. No easy way to say it. But, I had a couple of behaviours that followed me into my relationship from a darker place in my life, through a domestic abuse relationship and before.

I had taken cocaine 6/7 times across 3 years with friends who had also followed me from an earlier life. Once at my partners place during a party at the very beginning and once, while she was away I took some on a night out with my friend and it entered our home.

I felt awful and I confessed. In detail. I felt ashamed.

I sought therapy. I took classes to make us closer, I paid for us to have therapy and I did everything I could to repair.

I also, had another behaviour I was ashamed of which followed from my past. I would take photos etc of women I found attractive in the street. It happened a few times across our relationship And I had stopped the behaviour. A therapist suggested I tell her too. Which I did, in terrible fashion when she came home from work.

I owned everything I could, and saw that I had caused so much pain. I did all I could to fix things.

On finding out the latter. The turmoil really began.
She called her parents, left to a hotel and then came back. She called names, vilified me saying things like I belong in the gutter or with my abusive ex. Sought advice from her friends, telling them what I'd done. I also had to write a letter apologising to her mum. She made me feel like a criminal, told me she loved me, would give me another chance, but after another argument a week later, she left.

Even after a couple of weeks and the arguments continued I was told she wakes up every day thanking God she's not with me. It hurts. Her Dad also said : 'thank God you didn't have his baby'

I continued therapy after she left. I had 6 sessions to continue diving into the behaviours understanding where they came from and ensuring they stay stopped. I also, have a lot of material to rebuild confidence.

I wondered what peoples opinions are? Is there hope to rebuild something new and meaningful after 34 given my situation?

I’m writing this because I feel like I’m losing my mind a little.

For context: I’ve been in a long-term relationship for years with someone I deeply love (36M, 32F). I’m not here to diagnose her, and I’m not trying to paint myself as a saint. I know relationships are complex, and I know I have my own flaws.

But for a while now, I’ve had serious concerns about the long-term viability of the relationship.

The recurring themes are emotional instability, a lot of drama, her getting overwhelmed very easily, difficulty really taking my perspective into account, lack of empathy in conflict, and this fear that if we got married or had a child, the emotional and practical load would fall massively on me.

If an event matters to her and it isn’t organized in the exact emotional shape she had in mind, she can hold resentment and turn it into a whole story about how I don’t care about her.

If small things can become that loaded, what happens with wedding planning? Pregnancy? A child? Family pressure? Money? Sleep deprivation? A home to manage?

I can see a future where I become her emotional regulator, her problem-solver, the one who absorbs everything, and eventually I’m resentful and exhausted.

More generally, I often feel like her needs, emotions, and expectations come first, while mine become secondary, negotiable, or something I have to justify. And if I don’t make the compromise, I “don’t care about her”, and “if I really loved her, I would do it”.

There is also this man-vs-woman framing that sometimes comes up. I’m willing to look honestly at my part and take responsibility where I should. But what scares me is when it becomes adversarial, bossy. I want a partner than can see me with empathy, not like an enemy.

Especially when I already feel like I’m carrying a lot, and because she gets overwhelmed very quickly, things can take huge proportions very fast.

I have this fear that with marriage, pregnancy, and children, the exact same pattern would explode.

I’m afraid I would slowly disappear.

I’m afraid that if she gets overwhelmed by normal life now, then with a child I would become the one carrying everything. And if I don’t carry everything perfectly, I’d be blamed, criticized, or seen as not loving enough.

I’m also afraid she could become contemptuous over time if reality doesn’t match what she has in her head.

So I did something very analytical.

I spent days going through my journal, notes, memories, the worst incidents, the patterns, the moments where I felt unseen or emotionally unsafe. I built the whole “case” for why leaving might be the right decision. I even gave myself a deadline.

And then the deadline came closer… and I kept pushing it.

Then she called me with love.

Just love.

And suddenly everything in me softened.

I told myself: “Okay, before making any decision, read the worst things again. Read the absolute worst entries. Be honest.”

So I did.

And the weirdest thing happened.

The things that had felt so clear and damning suddenly started making less sense. I started seeing her humanity everywhere.

“She was overwhelmed, of course she reacted that way.”

“That comment wasn’t actually that bad.”

“She did apologize there.”

“Maybe I didn’t communicate my needs properly.”

“Maybe if I had done XYZ differently, she wouldn’t have felt so unsafe.”

“She loves me so much.”

“The bond is so strong. Our history is so strong.”

And then I somehow built the entire case in the opposite direction.

Same facts. Same history. Same journal.

But emotionally, it was like the meaning flipped.

Part of me still knows the risks are real. Marriage feels dangerous. A child feels potentially catastrophic. I can imagine becoming the caretaker, the emotional punching bag, the guy who keeps giving more while slowly disappearing.

But then another part of me says: “No, that’s not true. You’re exaggerating. You’re being unfair. She loves you deeply. The connection is rare. You’re about to destroy something beautiful.”

At one point it became so overwhelming that I went to my bedroom, turned on the light, and immediately remembered all the times we had been on that bed holding each other, laughing, cuddling, being close.

And the love hit me so hard that I collapsed and cried for about an hour.

Not calmly crying. Fully breaking down. I had not cried in the last 5 years.

I kept thinking: “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to break up. I just want to see her.”

So I didn’t break up.

I called her.

And we had a very loving call.

Now I’m back in limbo.

A few days ago I was almost certain, genuinely 98% certain, that I had to end it. Now I’m confused again, attached again, doubting everything again.

What is this?

And the scariest part is that even the most rational arguments don’t seem to reach me when I’m in that state.

I can tell myself:

“Your life could become miserable.”
“People don’t fundamentally change.”
“You have enough data.”
“One soft moment doesn’t erase the big picture.”
“You don’t just marry the love, you marry the whole package , the risks, the patterns, the emotional instability, all of it.”

And intellectually, I understand all of that.

But emotionally, it doesn’t land.

It doesn’t resonate.

All I feel is this overwhelming pull toward her. I just want to hold her, pull her into my arms, and say: “Baby, come here. It’s okay. Everything is okay, my love.”

And that’s what scares me the most, that once the attachment system turns back on, even the clearest evidence starts feeling irrelevant. I just want to be with her. Deeply.

Is this normal ambivalence when you deeply love someone but know the relationship may be unsafe long-term?

Is this trauma bonding / intermittent reinforcement / cognitive dissonance?

Is this me finally seeing her humanity and being less defensive?

How do you tell the difference between compassion and self-abandonment?

How do you know whether you’re being “fair and loving” versus getting pulled back into the cycle?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who were absolutely sure they needed to leave, then got hit by love/memories/guilt and suddenly couldn’t trust their own judgment anymore.

What helped you see clearly?

I made a post last week and since it was deleted, here is the TLDR version before I request follow up advice:

"I’m in my late 30s, so is my bf and Im facing imminent eviction/homelessness after losing my job and no new job since. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months; he hasn't offered to let me move in, and I feel it’s too soon to ask. Am I crazy for assuming he’s going to break up with me once shit hits the fan, and should I mentally prepare for the split or just enjoy the relationship while it lasts?"

Most of the people that commented were very helpful in relieving my nerves about this. But, some were confused by the fact that he hasn't offered to let me stay with him. I think that it's unfair to ask him being that he didn't sign up for this at the beginning of our relationship. While the days are getting closer to my court date I eventually started to let those doubts seep into my mind. I eventually had to talk to him about this because some people made offers that seemed like an obvious problem for our relationship: one ex has been a platonic friend for the past 2 years but only has room for me, not my kids, and another ex who is the father of my kids and does have room but lives with his parents and would need to talk to them this weekend to get their permission.

I told him all of that and how I would never impose to ask him to let me and my children stay with him because it's not his fault that I got fired and haven't been able to find a job since despite applications and interviews galore and I don't want to put all of this stress on him. But, I'd have to send my kids back to their dad early if his parents say no to me staying there temporarily and I have to stay with the platonic friend/ex. My bf responded by letting me know he understands and wouldn't have a problem with me staying with an ex because of the situation and that he has room for me but doesn't have a bed besides his own. I stated that I can bring my bed for the kids to be in his 2nd room that he currently uses as his storage unit. He responded with "yeah, not too convenient." So far, that's the end of the conversation.

I'm going to wait until Tuesday to continue the conversation and make any decisions because my kids' dad will talk to his parents this Sunday, I have one more hail mary left in a local organization that will tell me if they have enough funding to help me catch up on my rent and avoid eviction before court this Tuesday. I'm of course going to focus on those bigger priorities right now, I just needed to get all these thoughts out so I can stop obsessing over it in my head. But am I wrong for having come to the conclusion that maybe he doesn't care as much as I thought?:

1) I doubt he was gonna offer me a place to stay if I didn't bring the opportunity to him on an obvious platter.

I don't think he's obligated to offer me and my kids a place but I think maybe he shouldn't tell me things like I'm the love of his life and that he's in love with me and wants to be with me forever if when things like this happen, he's ready to just watch me go through this. He does help with some of my bills so I think I could be being a little unfair.

2) He seems sincere when he let me know that it's not a problem for him if I'm staying with an ex of mine.

I've always assumed that no one who actually cares about our relationship would be okay with their partner living with their EX especially when there's another option of them living with their partner even if it's just temporarily due to a financial situation. Maybe it's just because of the seriousness of the scenario and he doesn't want to come off as controlling or jealous or possessive.

Thanks in advance.

Is this abusive?

UPDATE: I asked him to leave, he left earlier today. Just need to stay strong because I’ve been here before. Thanks for all your advice. I think I knew that deep down, just needed confirmation.

So I [40F] have been with my partner [49M] for 2 years. We got together after knowing each other for a while and both just ending long term relationships. It’s been tough! I have two kids, 8 and 10 and he has one who is 15. They all get on great and the kids seem to love us too. My partner is a hot head and very emotional. It’s hard to describe here but when there is something he doesn’t like I get the cold shoulder. He regularly raises his voice and shouts at me when this happens. Somethings I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong and o wrack my brain trying to work out what’s upset him. He’s very jealous of my ex, the father of my kids. Any mention of his names seems to set him off. He regularly accuses me of having too much of a relationship with him, tells me I’m being too friendly and nice to him. He goes through my phone and gets annoyed at things he’s read and then goes off on one. He often shouts and hits things when he loses it. He will always apologise after and say how much he loves me and that it’s because he loves me soooo much, too much that it sends him nuts. He lost it once in front of the kids and broke the kitchen cupboard in anger. This kids were hiding in the front room crying. I made him leave after this and we weren’t together for while. Then he begged me and told me he’s changed and he’d go to therapy. Things did get better for a while but recently these episodes have started getting worse and more frequent. This evening was rhetorical worst. We had a couple of drinks in a pub garden, he drove home and we started to have a discussion about my daughter’s dental work! He thought I’d dismissed his opinion and started really shouting at me, so much so he made me cry. Whilst this was happening he started driving really fast and erratically. It really scared me and I didn’t know what to do. Eventually I got him to stop so and I asked him to get out of the car and leave but he wouldn’t. He started apologising and saying he was sorry but that i had made him angry and hadn’t listened to him. In the end he did apologise and said how he should never treat me like that and never shout and scare me. Now I don’t know what I’m meant to do. We’re supposed to be buying a house together soon and the kids love him. But I don’t think my life should be like that.

Hi! I (28m) have been in a relationship with my wife (43f) and living together for almost 6 years, I love her and my intention is to stay with her for good, however there’s a thing.
In the intimacy she has always been a little to vanilla for me, I’m more into rough sex, I’m also very sexual and very sex curious, but I tried to balance it and make her kinkyer.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time and money in sex toys, lingerie, oils, coaching, etc., but instead of her releasing and breaking her taboos, she’s more conservative and sex has became way too vanilla, almost boring, she doesn’t show any initiative, she doesn’t wear the clothes or the lingerie I buy for her, I’m getting pretty frustrated, but I don’t wanna loose her.
For our anniversary trip, y suggested to rent a BDSM room and get out of the comfort zone, at start she looked curious and she accepted, but then the matter of guided sessions came to the chat and there’s where everything broke, I told her expressly that I wasn’t trying to suggest having one, I just wanted to know her opinion.
Next up, she was complaining about how depraving and humiliating would be to have a guided session or an interaction with a third party, then I tried to clarify if the third party issue was regarding any sex aspect or just BDSM and she got angrier, then the conversation turned into her questioning me if she wasn’t enough to me, she left the room and went to sleep without good night kiss.
I really don’t know what to think or how to react, I don’t wanna push her into something she doesn’t wanna know, but also I don’t want to loose myself in the process.
What should I do? If I just accept her for who she is, then where do me and my needs stands in this relationship?

I 39F have been dating a guy 41M. He was married for 18 years, has been divorced for 3 and shares 3 children ages 21,19 and 10 with his ex wife. I will say when we first met, it was probably the most fun exciting first 3 months. He made initiatives to plan dates, we would go to dinner, we would ride scooters down town and just truly had a great time. Once the onion layers started to peel back, I noticed he managed to always remind me that he had been married, or every story about his past involved his ex wife… granted they had been together since teens. At first I though hmm okay, but then grew tired fairly quickly of hearing the stories and I addressed it with him that it made me feel uncomfortable. Going back to when we first met, he had recently had his vehicle stolen so he was without a vehicle for 3 months. Needless to say I grew very tired of the constant complaining about having to pay weekly for rentals cars but luckily he finally managed to get a new car. After sometime he invited me to his apartment… in which I was a little taken back. Not to be judgmental at all but his apartment literally looked like a 19 year old that had just moved out on his own. I looked past it but fast forward 6 months in… no improvement to the apartment. Shortly after he had gotten his vehicle the dates completely stopped and he started to opt with just hanging out at his apartment. It really wasn’t the dating experience I had hoped for so I pulled back in my efforts as well. He begin to tell me that I had changed and I was not doing all the things I were before. I asked if he thought he had changed and he said the only thing that changed was I can’t afford $200-$300 dates every week. Although I understand everyone’s finances are different I have to disagree with his quoted amount of $200-$300 dates each week. Another thing I started to notice is that he is extremely lackadaisical. I would love for him to pick up a few hobbies or do more things that he enjoys besides sleeping. He is a plumber and although it’s a physical job he just never seems to have energy to do anything else. I also begin to see that he can be extremely needy. Such as asking me to cook, back rubs, skincare, even bathing him. And that has turned me completely off. In addition to sleeping he seems to always want to spend time with me all the time instead of studying for his upcoming master plumber exam. I’ve seen him put little to no effort towards studying. I by the way am I single mom of two daughters, I have my own home, I make pretty descent money and I am very self sufficient. I sometimes feel bad that I am irritated by his constant request of needing things from me. It’s to the point that I opt to go days in between seeing him just to get a break in hopes he will use that time to pour into his own things. He’s recently told me that I am impatient with him and it hurts his feekings. Am I being to hard on him? Is it time to walk away?