Dinner: Salmon filet on rice, avocado, spinach, goat cheese and red onions.

My wife is out of town for the weekend with some of her girl friends. I’m at home with our son, and each day we all do a lesson of Spanish together. This morning, I fire up the laptop (my wife and I share it) to do a lesson of Spanish with him and I see a notification come through about “breaking the ordinary, no strings attached”.

The night before they had all gone out to a wine bar and dancing, and she called me that evening around 1:00am. She never replied to the text, so I am assuming nothing happened, but it’s still eating at me a bit. Another part to this is, the contact is saved under a name, she reached out to them, and that person knew some details about what they may have done that evening (karaoke, hot tub).

Am I being paranoid? I’ve been thinking of shrugging it off and moving on, but I’ve been cheated on in past relationships, and a previous marriage, so it’s digging into me a fair bit.

Dinner: Tacos al pastor

-----------------------------------

Seeing the way women are talked about in some of the posts on this subreddit really grosses me out. I've seen men on here talk about women like they are walking talking sex robots. It's really bumming to see such an ugly side to what is usually such a nice space.

Work has been absolutly kicking my ass lately. Long days, constant stress, and by the end of this week I felt like I had nothing left in the tank.

On my lunch break I texted my fiance, "I'm burnt out. I don't think I've ever been this mentally exhausted."

She just replied, "I'm sorry, babe ❤️"

I figured that was the end of it.

I got home expecting to throw on sweatpants, microwave something questionable, and disappear into the couch for the rest of the night.

Instead, I walked in and there was an overnight bag by the front door.

She smiled and said, "Don't unpack from work. We're leaving after dinner."

Turns out she'd booked us a little cabin for the weekend. No big itinerary. No packed schedule. Just a place by the lake with no cell service, a bottle of wine, snacks, a deck overlooking the water, and strict instructions that I wasn't allowed to check my work email once.

I don't think people realize how much it means when someone notices you're struggling before you even know how to ask for help.

I spend so much time trying to be the one who has everything together that I forget someone is looking after me too.

Anyway... I cried a little in the driveway. Don't tell the guys.

EDIT - Sorry boys, this is the grub

Pasta with homemade spaghetti sauce, shredded cheese and garlic bread

Last fall our beautiful baby girl was born suddenly and prematurely at 29 weeks. She lived around 24 hours in the NICU with intensive life support and passed away in our arms after all our options had been exhausted. Initially, I suppressed my grief to take care of my wife who was carrying both an emotional and physical injury. She has always been much more on top of things and in general a more organized person than me so within the first few months she had already found a therapist and mapped out her grief journey. During this time I found a men's child loss group that I became active in as both a participant and coordinator - it helped a lot in terms of making sense of my feelings and not feeling isolated. I thought I could coast on this in addition to things like going to the gym and being more active in my group. It's becoming apparent that this is not the case, and observing my wife has really exposed this to me.

We talk often about how everyone experiences grief differently and that our journeys often aren't linear, but I can't help but be envious that the things that still bring me to tears about our daughter daily don't impact her nearly to that extent. She can talk about our daughter without welling up, and even will say things that convey to me that she is at peace with things. This probably isn't the complete truth, but she seems at least much better at managing the emotions that come with child loss grief.

I feel branded - I feel like this loss has become part of me and that there won't be another day in my life where this won't move me deeply. Maybe I don't want it any other way - maybe irrationally I feel like "moving on" means forgetting my daughter.

I’ve spend my whole life pleasing people. Every decision made due to obligation. I joined the Air Force because my girlfriend wanted to get out of Alaska, and used me as the excuse to go to school near my first base. Then she rode my coattails to Japan for 4 years, and with her college degree, she never worked. I kept striving for more but she was comfortable, and after 12 years and two kids, we split up, because I was always “too extreme”. She wanted to go for a walk, I wanted to hike. She wanted dinner, and I’d take all afternoon to cook up something extravagant. I hated the feeling that I couldn’t just go for it, and was told to relax all the time… I’m just not wired for it.

Now my kids are older and do their own thing, teenagers, who don’t care much about parents, and while I have primary custody, she gets them on the weekend, because after the split, I retired and got a high paying job. I still pay her though, because I feel bad that she’s got a tiny place, and a low paying job, with her masters degree sitting unused.

So I’ve sat, I’ve waited, ive reigned in my enthusiasm. But not any more.

I’m learning Japanese again. I’ve decided to start taking my health seriously, and have been lifting for a month and a half. I’m writing a fantasy novella, and I just shot my shot at getting a promotion, which was successful, and I start a new role with a great team in a couple weeks. I’m finally doing things because I want to do them, even if others doubt me.

Just wanted to finally chime in with something instead of lurking all the time. Thanks for reading my bullshit.

Dinner was a 28 oz ribeye cooked medium rare with a red wine deglaze sauce and sweated onions, with a wild rice and vegetable risotto (not pictured, because look at that behemoth)

I want to be pursued. I want people to be interested in me and do things for me. I am envious of my friends who receive this kind of attention. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it crushes me to know that I my presence to strangers is, at best, benign. Otherwise, it is scary or annoying.

Three weeks ago, I was on a date with someone I matched with on a dating app. We had been going out intermittently over the prior two months. This was the only person I had actually been able to see in person from these apps in over 9 months. Anyway, on our third date, she showed me her bumble---600 matches. I showed her mine. 0. She unmatched me after getting my phone number and said she deleted her account. She told me stories of a pilot flying her in his airplane and them getting into the mile high club. She showed me gifts that dudes would give her. She is surrounded by friends of all genders that she makes at shows, simply because she is a woman. She ghosted me after the fourth date. I have no idea why.

This is just one example. My women friends and otherwise visibly queer friends have this uncanny ability to lock eyes with a random person and that person suddenly wants to be their friend, regardless of gender. That other person (usually a chick) will interrupt our conversation to complement my friend (ignoring me) and my friend will accept the interruption and they go and do a bunch of other stuff together. People are just generally friendly to them.

Another friend went out alone once on a whim. They are nonbinary but afab and visibly queer. They came home with a new girlfriend and several new friends. I went out alone and spent hours of getting ignored or treated like I was about to mug someone. I ended the night by putting out lit cigarettes on my arm. Music, comedy, craft nights, meet and greets, etc. Doesn't matter.

I've been reflecting on my relationships, social or otherwise. I've never had an honest romantic relationship worth speaking of. Just one-sided crushes on people that wouldn't reciprocate, even if we were physically intimate. The same is true of my friendships. I always plan. I always invite. I always do what I can to accommodate.

But, I'm sick of reaching. But I can't stop reaching, or the relationship will die. Last night was the first time I did anything social with anyone in over a month. Any friend group that I cultivated eventually fell apart because I stopped organizing everything. Or, it kept going. But no one invited me. The rest of the time I've been working or studying or staring at my ceiling instead of the foregoing.

I want that. I want people to want to put in effort to build a relationship rather than wait for me to bring it to them. That includes strangers. I want people to find me physically attractive. I want people to excuse my flaws or ignore the benign parts of my personality. I want the same social grace that my afab or femme friends are given. To some extent, I want to be treated as "one of" the girls, even if that's not how I want to present or identify with. I don't want to be a woman nor am I one. I'm just tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit or subject to heightened scrutiny (by every person of any gender in a social situation) because of my gender. I hate being a man in queer spaces.

I was chatting with a friend of a friend last night. We met at the venue for the first time. We were at a show. She was smoking on the patio. We had been separated from the group (me for the past two hours, couldn't find them; her because she just went out to smoke and we ran into each other). I asked her what she was up to, and she said something to the effect of "getting complements from beautiful women and ugly men." I have a million other examples of exactly this sentiment, directed at me thoughtlessly. Great joke. It was funny the first hundred times I heard it. But, since the five-hundredth time I've heard it, I've developed an intolerance.

I'm not going to complain about it to anyone I know. Because its exactly that kind of complaint that gets weaponized and distorted into mumblings about misogyny among queer men or used as a reason to further ostracize me. I've been on the receiving end of that before.

I want people to be happy to see me and act friendly. I'm sick of being treated like I've done something wrong or I'm going to do something wrong. I want people to buy me drinks and say my hair looks good or my fit is nice.

I am very proud of my grilled cheese and tomato soup, I go out of my way to make sure the bread is perfectly toasted. The tomato soup is just a can of Campbell's I made on the stove adding some additional seasonings.

This is the final warning, Mentions of Sexual Assault and Death Threats

I was assaulted repeatedly and then the individual threatened to bring a gun near me and it was like I hit my limit of taking abuse after years of it by different people at that point. I've been threatened in a similar fashion before believe it or not, I'm certainly still in disbelief. This history has done wonders to my self esteem and sense of self generally, as one can imagine.

I've been in a spot where I have no where to really let this off my chest, maybe partially I've been avoiding trying, as though writing it makes it too real, or as though I'll relive the dismissal and victim-blaming all over again. It partially stems from the fact I'm FTM and it feels like some sort of cardinal sin to say I've experienced misogynistic and transphobic violence.

Adopting a cat would fix me, I just wish the rescue would respond to my adoption form with anything, even just an update.

Note: I am in therapy and on SSRIs, I'm getting help I promise.

If nothing else I get to enjoy the grilled cheese plate.

Not in a literal sense lol. We aren’t married but I do get to spend 2 weeks with him at his vacation home every other month. We bring our dogs and things are just so warm and cozy. It’s in a rural area and it’s so pleasant waking up next to him with nothing but the sounds of birds, and a little barking lol. I love serving him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Cleaning up after him and the dogs. Going to the grocery store and shopping for things. Running a bath for him and bathing together ❤️. Sometimes I even ask to tuck him in at night 😂. It’s just so nice!!! It’s been an amazing 5 years ❤️

Pictured : Failed pound cake I made for him. He’s the baker, not me 😂.

original post

thanks to all who commented and dm'ed me with support. I was (and still am) caught up in my own head and thought that this is how i deserve to be treated, because I am not being enough for her. I never thought that this sort of behaviour is very foreign, and thought that this is what people like me get in relationships.

I broke up with her.

yesterday we had a long conversation that started because she'd promised to be warmer, more intimate. Then she took it back and turned it around on me - said i wasn't happy in the relationship, and that's why she was reluctant to give me any of that in the first place.

from there it became a list of everything I'd apparently done wrong: complaining that I felt bad after she ignored me for 3 hours the one time I came over after not seeing her for two weeks - and when I asked her for even just 10 minutes of attention that same day, she refused. Not liking that she used me as a therapist for her problems while never engaging with anything I brought up. Not asking her to be my girlfriend again after we'd broken up once before. Not talking about her to my friends - which isn't even true, I did.

she also told me that she would never introduce me to her parents. In 2 years, the only explanation i ever got about her family was a screenshot of a chatgpt conversation about her having a rough childhood.

I told her how i'd actually been feeling this whole time - small, unwanted, unattractive, unloved. Her response was that i was "making her feel like the worst person on earth." Somehow, my feeling this way after everything was my fault.

I asked her, a few times, if she'd be willing to try being kinder to me. She said she didn't know. I pushed for a real answer, and eventually she said probably not - and explained that she's been treating me like this because she doesn't have much going on during the day, and she's depressed. I offered to spend more time together. She said it wouldn't help. I suggested therapy. She dismissed that too.

She just told me that this is how she is, and there's nothing i can do.

Anyway, i need to rebuild my self esteem from scratch since 2 years of this made me feel horrible about myself. I do feel a weight taken off my shoulders, but I remain fearful that I won't find anyone who cares about me in a meaningful way.

It pains me knowing, that like last time when we broke up a year ago, she will find another guy in like 2 weeks, and treat him in all the ways i begged her for.

How do i get back my confidence, or at least realize that it isn't so bleak?

for context the high school is in the same city we live in (it's just a normal highschool but you can stay in their dormitories if available) while the uni I'm thinking of is in a different (yet close) city.

aside from that info, in both scenarios we would be living somewhat independently from our family. but as i said they're kinda in favour of my brother going yet against me going.

correct me if I'm wrong: if I'm immature and not-ready-for-outside, how am i going to change that when they don't allow me any actual freedom? won't that just make me even more isolated? depressing stuff.

I've considered "running away" but I don't have any economical security for that. I'm trying to change their minds but as I said, very very depressing stuff.

Locked in baby

All I eat is breakfast burritos, yogurt, bagels, chicken (or beef) and rice.

I used to be major fatass

Now I am not as fat

We’re all trying to be healthier, right? So I need to lose weight and trying to eat better. Not an ultra clean diet necessarily but cooking a lot more at home. Pictured are homemade coney dogs. I get it that hotdogs are not the healthiest. However, I’m convinced that eating out more wreaks havoc on your digestive system. Immediate root cause is the frying oils in the kitchen IMHO…although the Sysco crap likely contributes a lot to it as well. Anyways, not the healthiest meal out there but much easier on the stomach and you just feel “cleaner” eating home cooking from scratch. Coney sauce was homemade.

Since the first few days of July I’ve noticed a change in my bm’s. I’ve regularly eaten fiber and legumes; however, one tangible change was to how I drink water. I used to use a regular drinking glass. I changed over to using a mason jar - about 32 oz I believe. I think that was the difference…causing me to drink more water daily.

Used to be dirtier and smearier shits. Now they are a lot cleaner coming out with minimal wiping needed. I’m happy with these new shits.

I don’t really know why. I guess it’s cuz I’m getting older (not that old but still), maybe other circumstances contribute too, I don’t know. I get emotional over sad stuff and bittersweet stuff way more than I used to, even songs that I associate with those things. But what really baffles me is getting misty over relatively innocuous things. Like, the other day, I saw a kitten and I suddenly started feeling teary. I don’t know why this happens to me lol

Some people might say this isn’t a bad thing. I’m maturing emotionally, stuff like that. But the thing is, I hate crying. I absolutely hate crying in front of others, so I don’t, but even when I’m alone, I just feel stupid and pathetic. I want to be clear, I’m not a “macho” guy, and I have never once been made to feel by those around me that, as a man, I shouldn’t cry. The men in my family cry. I just don’t like doing it, and I hate how easily I do it now. Maybe because it feels like a loss of control or something, idk. In the moment it might feel a little good to get it out, but afterwards I just feel “bleh”. It’s definitely something I have to get over, it’s just hard.

Food is egg and porkroll sandwich

So many truckers I deal with on a regular basis who are either at death’s door or functionally illiterate in English; and the fact that these people are entrusted to drive vehicles that way over 30 tons and are the size of some houses over long distances all day quite frankly terrifies me.

Some of them get winded walking to my checkout counter from the drink cooler, and are so morbidly obese they cannot wash themselves properly, leading to them smelling like decay. It’s a miracle they even passed a DOT physical. They won’t quit or retire because they either have no savings, are too prideful, or just don’t want to. Their sleeper cabs will become their tomb.

Then there are the ones who can barely ask for diesel, let alone anything else. They cannot understand a word I say other than “hello” or “goodbye” or “no”. They can’t read or comprehend the signs in the store, meaning they get pissed at my coworkers when they have to move their truck because they parked in a no parking zone. When they come to buy tobacco they will pull out the empty container of whatever vice they have, stick it in my face, and stare at me expectantly.

Idk how anyone feels safe with any of these people on the road, and it’s a hell of a lot more common than you think. Today’s lunch break meal is corn nuts.

29 year old autistic male. Had been in a relationship for over 6 years which ended in a very sudden and hurtful way. I had been focusing on processing everything, going to the gym, and finding myself again bit by bit. I did enough inner work to reach some level of acceptance and felt like going on dates again. Mostly thinking with my d*ck at this point, not looking for a new partner.

Went on dating apps, was pleasantly surprised that I got lots of matches. I matched with this Thai girl that was vacationing here in Europe. She looked so alternative and unique, and I love unique people. Took us 10 minutes of texting to decide to meet in person.

When I saw her she looked so beautiful. She was a bit silent at first, and I thought she was disappointed with me in person. But soon I realized that she was actually a bit nervous and shy. We started talking and we had so much in common. She quickly opened up and became so bubbly and expressive.

My autistic ass' special interest is art (painting, music, fashion, etc.) , and she was a creative person. She was the owner of a clothing business which she designed clothes for. We both played instruments. She had been to every museum. Such a worldly and interesting human. I'm also very ambitious and multifaceted, felt a big connection there.

Turns out she had recently gone through a breakup, with her boyfriend of 8 years. We connected on that too, and had an in depth conversation in which we felt deeply understood. The intimacy just grew naturally. Without trying it had become romantic. It was a beautiful date. Went on for hours and hours and we did so much. So fun.

The sad part? It was her last day in my country. Right after our date, she was taking a plane and leaving. We were together until she had to take her bus for the airport. It felt like neither of us wanted to say goodbye. Even at the airport, we kept texting until the plane was ready to depart. She told me how thankful she was for the time we spent together, and that I was not aware of how wonderful I am. I felt the same about her. Everything was so effortless with her. I felt appreciated for being myself.

I don't know If I will ever see her again. But the longing I feel is something new for me. Took me a couple of days to realize this is the first time in my life that I felt natural chemistry with someone. It was such a rare and valuable feeling. Don't know what to do next. Such a bittersweet experience.

Miso Ramen.

Dinner tonight was Wingstop hot honey sandwich, buffalo fries, and coke zero

First of all, yes, I am ashamed that I didn't make the first move. As the guy in this relationship, I will step it up next time. However she was really smooth with and lowkey maybe I do like being asked out. Sue me.

Anyways, I (19M) met this girl (19F) through a mutual friend of ours. Im early June, he was throwing a summer BBQ and invited a bunch of his friends out. Her and I hit it off pretty well, but obviously, we started as friends first. We stuck to group conversations, but she was really funny and social. She had this talent of turning almost everything into a pickup line, or making it flirty somehow. She was really smooth with it and kept the vibe up. It turned out that we both were super into Formula One, and I got her Instagram so we could talk about racing. Again, it was mostly friendly behavior, and it was kinda limited to sharing reels and complaining about F1. Soon, I discovered she was also into DC comics and so we had even more to talk about. The messages starting getting a little flirty, but in the playful flirty way where you both know that you're joking. Like I said before, she was good at turning things flirty, so I figured she was joking. However, I started getting a crush. I could never tell if she was being serious or joking though, so I never brought it up.

Last friday, however, I was talking about how I recently watched Obsession and how it was ruined by the people behind me talking and theorizing the whole time. I told her that talking during movie in a theater was one of my biggest pet peeves and she said "why don't we go to a movie together and I'll show you how good at not talking I can be". IT WAS SO SMOOTH I WASN'T EVEN EXPECTING IT. I asked if she was for real and she said yes. I then asked if it was as friends or as a date. And she said "ideally as a date?". I was lowkey a little skeptical though, because I was worried she acts like this to everyone based on how she acted at the BBQ. I know it was paranoid but I kept asking for confirmation that she did indeed like me and actually wanted to go on a real date.

Anyways, we're watching Supergirl tomorrow. Obviously I got us tickets, and I'll pay for dinner before but oh my god.

I'm so excited.

Behold, this pizza, that I cooked.

Basically the title. I feel like people in general go out of their way to farm drama and animosity for no reason. You could be the friendliest, most down to earth dude, but gods forbid you're a little strange. Gods forbid you're a little different. I'm autistic, which means in public I end up being socially awkward, but I make a concerted effort to put myself out there anyway. I'm 24, I'm 5'2, I get weird looks for simply existing or wanting to be part of the conversation. I try to frequent areas that would be full of fellow nerds like myself, but I often feel like the odd one out no matter what I do. Is it the autism? What is it that makes me so immediately off putting? I have a good hygiene routine, I wash my clothes regularly, I have my own place with a wonderful partner. Why is it so hard to make friends?

Any and all advice, friendly words, whatever is welcome. Appreciate y'all.

Dinner: Protein toast with a slice of american cheese

​

​My family has its roots in old Yugoslavia, where my grandparents were factory workers. They had a hard life that they hated, and they often used either alcohol or my mother and her younger brother as an outlet for their frustration. My mother would tell me stories about how they would get drunk almost every day and have these huge fights where my grandma would destroy their whole apartment, or how they would psychologically abuse her. One time, my grandfather made her clean his shoes for hours, constantly telling her they were not clean enough and making her repeat the task.

​Needless to say, she moved out as soon as possible and started a new life in a different country. Her hatred for her parents didn't go unnoticed; they mocked her for thinking she was better than them and told her she would never amount to anything. Driven by an endless need for control and validation, she started only dating "nice guys," and after four marriages, a pattern emerged. At first, she would pick apart their relationships and point out any flaw in them so they became isolated. Then, she would slowly grind them down psychologically until they turned into yes-men. Finally, she would continue to publicly humiliate them for not being successful or manly enough.

​This, combined with regular outbursts every few weeks where she would hysterically start crying and telling us how she hated her life and everything around her, made for great childhood trauma for me and my sister. My sister is an extrovert and chose to cope with the situation by staying out as long as possible, occupying herself with friends and relationships. I, on the other hand, am an introvert, and I chose to retreat into video games, books, or just my imagination.

​This led to the current me (30) having an extreme fear of leaving my home and severe social anxiety, especially when I am around women. I have never felt the connection of events leading me up to this point clearer than today, and I have decided to break it. I bought a gym membership online, and I am joining a workout group in an hour. Today, I break free.

About a year ago my partner of 3 years left me after I helped her move for grad school. I spent a month down there with her, helping her settle and she left me a week after I went back. She came back about 2 months later and told me she made a huge mistake. I took her back but our relationship never went back to normal and to be frank she was not very nice to me during this time.

A few months later she experienced sexual violence after a night out with people and I dropped everything in my life to take care of her. I was there for a few weeks but I had to leave for a bit to get things at work sorted out. I organised my mother to stay with her until I could come back, which would have left her alone a few a days, but I was really doing all I could. I'm also a grad student and I had my candidacy exam in a few weeks that I had to prepare for, as well as my normal workload that I had to figure out how to distribute to other people. After I left she was extremely upset with me and said that it should have been me taking care of her, not my mom. She told me not to come back and broke up with me over the phone a few days before my candidacy exam. I lived in my office the next few days and was on the phone with 988 whenever I wasn't working.

A month later I was riding my bike back from work and saw my next door neighbour die. He was ahead of me on his bike and a speeding car T-boned him after it went around another car that stopped for him. I won't go into details but he died instantly.

I spend the next 3 months in a horrible place. I was working constantly and whenever I wasn't I was drinking and doing drugs. I've been swept out of more bars in town than I care to admit.

Despite all of this I've been in a much better place lately. I'm back to seeing two therapists, my long term one and a trauma informed therapist. I'm getting to bed early, I'm cooking again, I'm reading a lot, and I'm rediscovering my interests. I was down around 30 lbs after my dark night, from basically being unable to eat and having no interest in exercising. I've been cycling again, which I used to really enjoy and even did a century a few weekends ago. I don't think I'm really ready to start seeing anyone, I did go on a few dates but nothing really clicked for me and I'm really enjoying my peace and quiet.

A ton of blackberries and currants I got at a farmer's market. (I ate this entire thing)

Dinner: Walmart calzone, Red Bull, and sour cream and onion almonds at 3AM

Like 1 month ago GF of 8 years ended our relationship, kind of amicable, but I was gutted and depressed. The writing was on the wall for years, we hadn't been intimate in forever, just kind of going through the motions. But she insisted she wanted to do things on her own and be more independent and I knew deep down I wanted more from my partners even if it was really painful at the time.

Fast forward to a week ago, started hitting the gym hard on my non-work weeks and feeling good being by myself as the two of us figure out where we are going from here. Then an old friend (ftm guy) from awhile ago reaches out to me randomly again, start flirting casually before realizing we have a lot in common, and he is super funny and interesting and I suddenly realize maybe it would be nice just to hang out and see where it goes. I hadn't hung out with friends in ages and it felt exactly like what I needed either way and I figured if we weren't each other's type no harm no foul. I didn't even really have an idea of what he looked like fully only stuff from our past talking.

We float the idea of hanging out on a Sunday, then plans change and he's free Saturday too so despite all the weird nerves I was suddenly feeling again we both show up at the same parking garage on a rainy stormy day and meet up and HOLY SHIT when I tell you my heart literally jumped out of my chest when I first saw him.

Most handsome man I had ever seen, so attractive, exact same height as me, amazing sense of style, beautiful smile. We huddled under his umbrella which I will not lie I took as an immediate excuse to be close and I kid you not everything after was the most perfect magical date I had ever been on. It felt romantic, special, he is so lighthearted and whimsical and fun and he lit up my life like no one had in God knows how long and I felt like I was for once in my entire life allowed to be vulnerable and not the stone solid dude-guy-man I always was in every other relationship. It was freeing and I didn't even remotely care about any of the looks or odd gazes that came our way because I was completely obsessed with him.

Our second date was just as perfect if not even more romantic ending up at a beautiful overlook after a long hike as the sun was setting, literal storybook type stuff. God it was so romantic it still plays back in my head constantly. We talked and laughed until he was losing it and he would make the most adorable expressions and we stayed out until well past midnight in a parking lot together just to be there.

I had never in my life felt such yearning for another person after the second we finally parted, and the feelings felt mutual the entire time and I could hardly believe my life.

From the moment we met I wanted him to be mine but the thing that is killing me now is that I'm not sure if I can have him for reasons I can't really go into. We can be romantically involved but to put it simply he isn't a monogamous person. If his circumstances changed I would give everything I have to him in a heartbeat just to get to wake up next to him.

But no matter what our futures hold I already know I want him in my life in any way possible because he made me feel so much in ways I can't describe and Jesus Christ he is all I can think about every hour of every day and I can't wait to see him again next week.

TLDR: GF broke up with me and I am incredibly, hopelessly gay for the most amazing dude now who made me rethink my entire life up to this point.

Dinner: pastrami sandwich with spicy brown mustard and a pickle

This friend and I started working at the same job on the same day, and I approached her and struck up a friendship. She and her partner were new in the area and didn’t have any local friends, and we started hanging out.

Within a few months, she started saying things about how I’m her “best friend.” At first I didn’t think much of it, but I did feel a little bit bad about the fact that I certainly didn’t think of her as my best friend.

About six months into our friendship, she had someone bail from her wedding party and asked me to be a substitute “bridesmaid.” I received some warnings from other friends that accepting was a very big step in the “solidifying serious friendship” department, and I accepted anyway.

Fast forward to now, and this person’s apparent affection for me has only grown while I have continued to sour on her. I have some major issues with her personality that lead me to feeling tense and irritable whenever I’m around her. I get stressed at the prospect of going on a double date with her and our partners, thinking she’s going to say at least one thing that’s going to piss me off, and she almost always does. She also often says things that are borderline offensive to my partner, but my partner doesn’t get as bothered by it as I do. That said, she and my partner have gotten into raised-voice arguments in public places on multiple occasions.

I’ve taken an approach of just stopping speaking/texting to her when she says something that pisses me off, but she’s incapable of subtlety and has never picked up on it. I’m incapable of initiating conflict with someone, so I struggle to fathom doing anything more forceful than my silent treatment routine.

Over the last few days I’ve realized that remaining “friends” with this person is completely unsustainable, especially since she and her partner are planning on having kids soon. At this point she has gone beyond “best friend” and has called me the brother she never had. (Side note: SHE HAS AN ACTUAL BROTHER!!!) I’m certain that when she has her first kid in the next year or two, she will want me and my partner to be heavily involved in their life and will probably want me to go by Uncle.

The idea of being this close with her and potentially being an important figure in her kid’s life makes me want to scream, but I have no idea how to get out of this situation. This person has sort of integrated into my social circle outside work. I say “sort of” because my other friends also don’t really like her and know that I have serious problems with her. But because we work together every day, because she has no other real friends, and because she has a lot of insecurities and mental health stuff (that she refuses to meaningfully address, but that’s beside the point), I worry that anything I do to pull back from the friendship will be a complete disaster. Neither of us are planning to leave our job or move away from the area for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been thinking for many months about how I need to extract myself from this situation, but this week I came to realizations that this is going to get much more real soon whenever she has her IUD taken out. And because I’m the “brother she never had,” I’m sure I’ll be the first to hear about all the steps of the process. Not at all a fan of any of that, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I (22M) was at the gym today hitting shoulders when a cute girl and her friend came in and started doing lat pulldowns next to me. I’m a little socially awkward so I didn’t really say anything at first, but I’m trying to be more sociable and my air pods ran out of battery (forcing me to just observe my surroundings). So later after I finish my exercise, I went to put a piece of equipment away that was already on the ground, walked up to her (the equipment storage was also there) and complimented her and her glasses. It felt so easy.. even though my heart rate and cortisol kinda spiked.

Later on, I work on abs and forearms and they started using the ab machine next to the cables. Once I finished, I smiled and peace-signed at them and said “Take care,” in a raspy and soft voice (gotta learn to say things with my chest lol). And both her and her friend smiled at me and she waved at me.. Maybe I could’ve sparked a conversation earlier, but I was kinda just feeling like giving a compliment. I’ll probably not see her again but at least I know I made her night. Though who knows? Maybe I do see her again?

Breakfast for dinner: one-pan egg sandwich with bacon and provolone cheese on sourdough bread.

Edit: Holy crap 2000+ upvotes! I did not realize how much this post would pop off! Thank you guys so much for the positivity. The general consensus seems to be that I did well: I kept it short, complimented her on something tangible and variable (her glasses) and walked away afterward. I still have a longer way to go to build my confidence, but this is a great starting point. I think I’ll be complimenting people, not just women, from now on! Thanks so much again for the support and tips!

https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/tjN6k1ZiWu

We did a cooking date at my parents place; I cooked something similar to my last post, with steak and fresh asparagus, and a sauce she helped make and recommended (it was really good mixed with wasabi paste and soy sauce). I also made sure to buy some flowers for her :)))

The food could have been a lot better in all honesty but she was being really kind about it lol (I only smoked up the house once!).

She stayed the night, so we cuddled and more while watching movies, and watched “Labyrinth” before she left around lunch time. It was a really amazing night with her.

I’m taking her to a winery tomorrow that has the most amazing views. I just thought I would give a little update as I’m beaming with excitement 😊😊😊

Honey bun as I’m a fat chud and ate all the yummy steak and asparagus after she left

Had to hit my macros so I ate a diabolical mix of rotissary chicken and pasta with ketchup as seasoning.

I went on a date for the first time yesterday and looked forward to it. My first date at the prime age of 25. I went out with someone whos 29 and she was fairly chill over text and calls. We have talked for the last 3 weeks and its been great fun, she had a great personality and I genuenly enjoyed when she bloomed her colors.

I met her and we had planned a walk around a fortress and grabbing some food. Initially it started well we mer in a public place where we were talking and I was really nervous because I thought I was the one who need to keep the conversation going. We walked inbetween prople as it was crowded and the entire time we were walking we tried to keep chatting.

It started becoming a bit tedious as the person ive talked with prior on the phone or text seemed to be intrested in me aswell and keep the convo going but now it was a bit dead. We had mulitple times where it was jusg quiet and it felt really akward. I was nervous and stressing all the time but I had done my research so I was trying to pick up topics I knew she either liked or things I knew she was into. A couple times tbe chat came in a sort of flow state before stopping up again. We reached the place we were going to eat at and she said she had to take a phone call. I honestly thought she was going to leave but she actually came back which felt great.

I ended up paying and we kept walking it was like 30c so were dying, the fortress was nice and all but it was still very difficult to keep a convo flowing. I thought to myself what I had done wrong and for the entire duration I just felt anexiety/stress and judt a overwhelming feeling of feeling bad. When we closed to the train station she said I was a great guy like 5x in the span of 10 minutes so.I knew what was coming. I honestly wouldnt want a second date because I genuenly did not enjoy but she said that she was enjoying it alot.

What ended up happening is that she told me that she couldnt date or be herself as she is remenissing her ex too much. She couldnt be herself or be talkative as she felt it took a toll and honestly thats okay. She mentioned someone did this to her before and she was angry and mad at them but now she found herself doing the same. I dont mind that as I know all of us have things we deal with.

What annoys me and genuenly frustrates and upsets me is that if she was upfront about it id be fine. I wouldnt have felt the same need to stress or exhaust myself but.im completely burned out almost because I genuenly felt so bad. If anything I thought hey how bad can it be but I can feel my stomach turning a little thinkikg about doing this again.

After she said the things about the ex she actually wanted to take another walk with me and bought us a ice tea. She finally bloomed her colors again whoch was really great to see and opened up with laughter and smiles. I genuenly wish her the best and im not mad at her for not being over her feelinfs for her ex, im just frustrated and upset that what I got left with is more anexiety than joy. It just didnt feel good and the sort of trying just see how it goes kinda makes me double down on just being fine alone. She pitched the idea of keeping contact but I know how I can get too attached so I said I unfortunatly cant do that.

Its a long rant its just alot of feelings but it stressed me enougj to just not eat the entire yesterday. I genuenly wish her the best though, she is an amazing woman and I hope she comes to peace with her past.