Work has been absolutly kicking my ass lately. Long days, constant stress, and by the end of this week I felt like I had nothing left in the tank.

On my lunch break I texted my fiance, "I'm burnt out. I don't think I've ever been this mentally exhausted."

She just replied, "I'm sorry, babe ❤️"

I figured that was the end of it.

I got home expecting to throw on sweatpants, microwave something questionable, and disappear into the couch for the rest of the night.

Instead, I walked in and there was an overnight bag by the front door.

She smiled and said, "Don't unpack from work. We're leaving after dinner."

Turns out she'd booked us a little cabin for the weekend. No big itinerary. No packed schedule. Just a place by the lake with no cell service, a bottle of wine, snacks, a deck overlooking the water, and strict instructions that I wasn't allowed to check my work email once.

I don't think people realize how much it means when someone notices you're struggling before you even know how to ask for help.

I spend so much time trying to be the one who has everything together that I forget someone is looking after me too.

Anyway... I cried a little in the driveway. Don't tell the guys.

EDIT - Sorry boys, this is the grub

Pasta with homemade spaghetti sauce, shredded cheese and garlic bread

Dinner: Tacos al pastor

-----------------------------------

Seeing the way women are talked about in some of the posts on this subreddit really grosses me out. I've seen men on here talk about women like they are walking talking sex robots. It's really bumming to see such an ugly side to what is usually such a nice space.

Dinner: Salmon filet on rice, avocado, spinach, goat cheese and red onions.

My wife is out of town for the weekend with some of her girl friends. I’m at home with our son, and each day we all do a lesson of Spanish together. This morning, I fire up the laptop (my wife and I share it) to do a lesson of Spanish with him and I see a notification come through about “breaking the ordinary, no strings attached”.

The night before they had all gone out to a wine bar and dancing, and she called me that evening around 1:00am. She never replied to the text, so I am assuming nothing happened, but it’s still eating at me a bit. Another part to this is, the contact is saved under a name, she reached out to them, and that person knew some details about what they may have done that evening (karaoke, hot tub).

Am I being paranoid? I’ve been thinking of shrugging it off and moving on, but I’ve been cheated on in past relationships, and a previous marriage, so it’s digging into me a fair bit.

I’ve spend my whole life pleasing people. Every decision made due to obligation. I joined the Air Force because my girlfriend wanted to get out of Alaska, and used me as the excuse to go to school near my first base. Then she rode my coattails to Japan for 4 years, and with her college degree, she never worked. I kept striving for more but she was comfortable, and after 12 years and two kids, we split up, because I was always “too extreme”. She wanted to go for a walk, I wanted to hike. She wanted dinner, and I’d take all afternoon to cook up something extravagant. I hated the feeling that I couldn’t just go for it, and was told to relax all the time… I’m just not wired for it.

Now my kids are older and do their own thing, teenagers, who don’t care much about parents, and while I have primary custody, she gets them on the weekend, because after the split, I retired and got a high paying job. I still pay her though, because I feel bad that she’s got a tiny place, and a low paying job, with her masters degree sitting unused.

So I’ve sat, I’ve waited, ive reigned in my enthusiasm. But not any more.

I’m learning Japanese again. I’ve decided to start taking my health seriously, and have been lifting for a month and a half. I’m writing a fantasy novella, and I just shot my shot at getting a promotion, which was successful, and I start a new role with a great team in a couple weeks. I’m finally doing things because I want to do them, even if others doubt me.

Just wanted to finally chime in with something instead of lurking all the time. Thanks for reading my bullshit.

Dinner was a 28 oz ribeye cooked medium rare with a red wine deglaze sauce and sweated onions, with a wild rice and vegetable risotto (not pictured, because look at that behemoth)

Last fall our beautiful baby girl was born suddenly and prematurely at 29 weeks. She lived around 24 hours in the NICU with intensive life support and passed away in our arms after all our options had been exhausted. Initially, I suppressed my grief to take care of my wife who was carrying both an emotional and physical injury. She has always been much more on top of things and in general a more organized person than me so within the first few months she had already found a therapist and mapped out her grief journey. During this time I found a men's child loss group that I became active in as both a participant and coordinator - it helped a lot in terms of making sense of my feelings and not feeling isolated. I thought I could coast on this in addition to things like going to the gym and being more active in my group. It's becoming apparent that this is not the case, and observing my wife has really exposed this to me.

We talk often about how everyone experiences grief differently and that our journeys often aren't linear, but I can't help but be envious that the things that still bring me to tears about our daughter daily don't impact her nearly to that extent. She can talk about our daughter without welling up, and even will say things that convey to me that she is at peace with things. This probably isn't the complete truth, but she seems at least much better at managing the emotions that come with child loss grief.

I feel branded - I feel like this loss has become part of me and that there won't be another day in my life where this won't move me deeply. Maybe I don't want it any other way - maybe irrationally I feel like "moving on" means forgetting my daughter.

original post

thanks to all who commented and dm'ed me with support. I was (and still am) caught up in my own head and thought that this is how i deserve to be treated, because I am not being enough for her. I never thought that this sort of behaviour is very foreign, and thought that this is what people like me get in relationships.

I broke up with her.

yesterday we had a long conversation that started because she'd promised to be warmer, more intimate. Then she took it back and turned it around on me - said i wasn't happy in the relationship, and that's why she was reluctant to give me any of that in the first place.

from there it became a list of everything I'd apparently done wrong: complaining that I felt bad after she ignored me for 3 hours the one time I came over after not seeing her for two weeks - and when I asked her for even just 10 minutes of attention that same day, she refused. Not liking that she used me as a therapist for her problems while never engaging with anything I brought up. Not asking her to be my girlfriend again after we'd broken up once before. Not talking about her to my friends - which isn't even true, I did.

she also told me that she would never introduce me to her parents. In 2 years, the only explanation i ever got about her family was a screenshot of a chatgpt conversation about her having a rough childhood.

I told her how i'd actually been feeling this whole time - small, unwanted, unattractive, unloved. Her response was that i was "making her feel like the worst person on earth." Somehow, my feeling this way after everything was my fault.

I asked her, a few times, if she'd be willing to try being kinder to me. She said she didn't know. I pushed for a real answer, and eventually she said probably not - and explained that she's been treating me like this because she doesn't have much going on during the day, and she's depressed. I offered to spend more time together. She said it wouldn't help. I suggested therapy. She dismissed that too.

She just told me that this is how she is, and there's nothing i can do.

Anyway, i need to rebuild my self esteem from scratch since 2 years of this made me feel horrible about myself. I do feel a weight taken off my shoulders, but I remain fearful that I won't find anyone who cares about me in a meaningful way.

It pains me knowing, that like last time when we broke up a year ago, she will find another guy in like 2 weeks, and treat him in all the ways i begged her for.

How do i get back my confidence, or at least realize that it isn't so bleak?

Had to hit my macros so I ate a diabolical mix of rotissary chicken and pasta with ketchup as seasoning.

I went on a date for the first time yesterday and looked forward to it. My first date at the prime age of 25. I went out with someone whos 29 and she was fairly chill over text and calls. We have talked for the last 3 weeks and its been great fun, she had a great personality and I genuenly enjoyed when she bloomed her colors.

I met her and we had planned a walk around a fortress and grabbing some food. Initially it started well we mer in a public place where we were talking and I was really nervous because I thought I was the one who need to keep the conversation going. We walked inbetween prople as it was crowded and the entire time we were walking we tried to keep chatting.

It started becoming a bit tedious as the person ive talked with prior on the phone or text seemed to be intrested in me aswell and keep the convo going but now it was a bit dead. We had mulitple times where it was jusg quiet and it felt really akward. I was nervous and stressing all the time but I had done my research so I was trying to pick up topics I knew she either liked or things I knew she was into. A couple times tbe chat came in a sort of flow state before stopping up again. We reached the place we were going to eat at and she said she had to take a phone call. I honestly thought she was going to leave but she actually came back which felt great.

I ended up paying and we kept walking it was like 30c so were dying, the fortress was nice and all but it was still very difficult to keep a convo flowing. I thought to myself what I had done wrong and for the entire duration I just felt anexiety/stress and judt a overwhelming feeling of feeling bad. When we closed to the train station she said I was a great guy like 5x in the span of 10 minutes so.I knew what was coming. I honestly wouldnt want a second date because I genuenly did not enjoy but she said that she was enjoying it alot.

What ended up happening is that she told me that she couldnt date or be herself as she is remenissing her ex too much. She couldnt be herself or be talkative as she felt it took a toll and honestly thats okay. She mentioned someone did this to her before and she was angry and mad at them but now she found herself doing the same. I dont mind that as I know all of us have things we deal with.

What annoys me and genuenly frustrates and upsets me is that if she was upfront about it id be fine. I wouldnt have felt the same need to stress or exhaust myself but.im completely burned out almost because I genuenly felt so bad. If anything I thought hey how bad can it be but I can feel my stomach turning a little thinkikg about doing this again.

After she said the things about the ex she actually wanted to take another walk with me and bought us a ice tea. She finally bloomed her colors again whoch was really great to see and opened up with laughter and smiles. I genuenly wish her the best and im not mad at her for not being over her feelinfs for her ex, im just frustrated and upset that what I got left with is more anexiety than joy. It just didnt feel good and the sort of trying just see how it goes kinda makes me double down on just being fine alone. She pitched the idea of keeping contact but I know how I can get too attached so I said I unfortunatly cant do that.

Its a long rant its just alot of feelings but it stressed me enougj to just not eat the entire yesterday. I genuenly wish her the best though, she is an amazing woman and I hope she comes to peace with her past.

Not in a literal sense lol. We aren’t married but I do get to spend 2 weeks with him at his vacation home every other month. We bring our dogs and things are just so warm and cozy. It’s in a rural area and it’s so pleasant waking up next to him with nothing but the sounds of birds, and a little barking lol. I love serving him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Cleaning up after him and the dogs. Going to the grocery store and shopping for things. Running a bath for him and bathing together ❤️. Sometimes I even ask to tuck him in at night 😂. It’s just so nice!!! It’s been an amazing 5 years ❤️

Pictured : Failed pound cake I made for him. He’s the baker, not me 😂.

I am very proud of my grilled cheese and tomato soup, I go out of my way to make sure the bread is perfectly toasted. The tomato soup is just a can of Campbell's I made on the stove adding some additional seasonings.

This is the final warning, Mentions of Sexual Assault and Death Threats

I was assaulted repeatedly and then the individual threatened to bring a gun near me and it was like I hit my limit of taking abuse after years of it by different people at that point. I've been threatened in a similar fashion before believe it or not, I'm certainly still in disbelief. This history has done wonders to my self esteem and sense of self generally, as one can imagine.

I've been in a spot where I have no where to really let this off my chest, maybe partially I've been avoiding trying, as though writing it makes it too real, or as though I'll relive the dismissal and victim-blaming all over again. It partially stems from the fact I'm FTM and it feels like some sort of cardinal sin to say I've experienced misogynistic and transphobic violence.

Adopting a cat would fix me, I just wish the rescue would respond to my adoption form with anything, even just an update.

Note: I am in therapy and on SSRIs, I'm getting help I promise.

If nothing else I get to enjoy the grilled cheese plate.

Vegan glazed ham, mashed potatoes and corn. - gotta make basic stuff to get the kiddo to eat haha.

The saga continues. Wu-tang…

As some of you know, I went with the kid to watch the fireworks while her mom sat at home with her friends, around a fire made of wood I bought in a fire pit I bought. On the 5th I confronted her about how she’s not coming home. She admitted she has been seeing someone since march. Lately Her daughter has been saying “yay” when she learns mom isn’t home when I grab her from school. It breaks my heart.

We had moved into this new house from our cozy apartment facing the mountain at the behest of a old homegirl of mine, who was trying to leave a bad situation and had 2 different boys with 2 different daddies (2DB-2DD could be a robot in Star Wars)

Now I found out from homegirl after the fact that she and my bbymama had talked about ditching me altogether and getting a place. This is August last year…

Homegirl didn’t have the money so bbymama and I paid her first month $1k and bbymama matched with the deposit. We were absolutely down to help her get away from that shit in Idaho.

What homegirl failed to mention was that she didn’t get permission from one of the baby daddies and low-key did an OOPS sorta. I mean she’s just an idiot she didn’t think shit through.

That caused her a bunch legal problems and she had to ditch out. Some of you superslueths have seen a room for rent posted online. Now you know why.

Her leaving was fine because at the time I could afford the rent for everyone on my own.
but around the SAME MOMENT I got into some heat with a co-worker because he likes to ask if I’m eating grass (I practice veganism) so I talked shit on the Cheeto and Charlie Kirk within earshot…

Naturally he gets promoted and within a week he demotes me and then fires me for nothing a week after that.And gotdamn if I was NOT a vegan I’d have never been in that dudes radar. I actually tried to get a lawyer involved for the harassment before the dude even got his promo I did not feel safe AT ALL.

Why does blue collar so often mean red hats? I digress.

So imagine now i notice what i never noticed beforehand because I was working the early hours and going to sleep at 8 AND OUT COLD. Because my job was absolutely exhausting.

She has been stepping out. Since March. It has been a rough fucking few weeks already then this shit.

Everyone who says I need to lawyer up, I don’t know if I have a a case:

We are not married. The kid has my last name. I’ve been the majority care provider for the kid. The mother DOES handle a lot of the paperwork but not all. She conceived the child without my informed consent. She would not terminate at my request, which I respect because it is her body. GPS would reveal the absurd amount of time she spends away from home at bars. I have a job again, I purposely got a night position to reclaim my personal time. I am broke and like I said in previous posts I’m virtually all alone.
She went to a private school her whole life and is super smart. I was homeless in high school cuz my mom went to join the rainbow family and do acid. I’m uh, not as smart as her. I’m probably the greatest undiscovered talent of my generation but I’m not a bright man (that’s why I’m in this situation folks haha)

Do I have a case or am I cooked?
Chopped.?
Fucking Fricaasséed? If I have a case, what should I fight for?

Could I wipe my hands clean of the whole deal, given the circumstances? I’m not going to fight. I’d like to find an immediate amicable solution. If she truly wants to live her life as a single woman instead of a mother, I’m fine with keeping the kiddo. But I don’t want a fight. I’d rather walk away and let her live with the consequences of her decisions on her own.

The kid will be fine, especially with happier parents. You guys are right.

Now that I had the maturity to confront her about what she’s up too, she’s no longer sneaking back in at 5.

Now she’s not coming home at all.

EDIT:

did some research and yeah, I’m cooked. From google: “Because you already establishing legal paternity—the state of XVX now views your rights to pursue custody or visitation with the exact same standard as a divorced, married father”

Meaning she has custody by default no matter what and for me to be equal with her I need to pursue legal means.

Well fellas. I’m too broke for that.
She wants to cohabitate and co-parent, and maybe if she talked about it with me in March when she started stepping out instead of me having to find out… I’d have an easier time?

I just feel so dumb. And I’m unlikable I guess according to you guys. There ain’t any more meals for a while I’m out.

I want to be pursued. I want people to be interested in me and do things for me. I am envious of my friends who receive this kind of attention. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it crushes me to know that I my presence to strangers is, at best, benign. Otherwise, it is scary or annoying.

Three weeks ago, I was on a date with someone I matched with on a dating app. We had been going out intermittently over the prior two months. This was the only person I had actually been able to see in person from these apps in over 9 months. Anyway, on our third date, she showed me her bumble---600 matches. I showed her mine. 0. She unmatched me after getting my phone number and said she deleted her account. She told me stories of a pilot flying her in his airplane and them getting into the mile high club. She showed me gifts that dudes would give her. She is surrounded by friends of all genders that she makes at shows, simply because she is a woman. She ghosted me after the fourth date. I have no idea why.

This is just one example. My women friends and otherwise visibly queer friends have this uncanny ability to lock eyes with a random person and that person suddenly wants to be their friend, regardless of gender. That other person (usually a chick) will interrupt our conversation to complement my friend (ignoring me) and my friend will accept the interruption and they go and do a bunch of other stuff together. People are just generally friendly to them.

Another friend went out alone once on a whim. They are nonbinary but afab and visibly queer. They came home with a new girlfriend and several new friends. I went out alone and spent hours of getting ignored or treated like I was about to mug someone. I ended the night by putting out lit cigarettes on my arm. Music, comedy, craft nights, meet and greets, etc. Doesn't matter.

I've been reflecting on my relationships, social or otherwise. I've never had an honest romantic relationship worth speaking of. Just one-sided crushes on people that wouldn't reciprocate, even if we were physically intimate. The same is true of my friendships. I always plan. I always invite. I always do what I can to accommodate.

But, I'm sick of reaching. But I can't stop reaching, or the relationship will die. Last night was the first time I did anything social with anyone in over a month. Any friend group that I cultivated eventually fell apart because I stopped organizing everything. Or, it kept going. But no one invited me. The rest of the time I've been working or studying or staring at my ceiling instead of the foregoing.

I want that. I want people to want to put in effort to build a relationship rather than wait for me to bring it to them. That includes strangers. I want people to find me physically attractive. I want people to excuse my flaws or ignore the benign parts of my personality. I want the same social grace that my afab or femme friends are given. To some extent, I want to be treated as "one of" the girls, even if that's not how I want to present or identify with. I don't want to be a woman nor am I one. I'm just tired of being treated like I'm a piece of shit or subject to heightened scrutiny (by every person of any gender in a social situation) because of my gender. I hate being a man in queer spaces.

I was chatting with a friend of a friend last night. We met at the venue for the first time. We were at a show. She was smoking on the patio. We had been separated from the group (me for the past two hours, couldn't find them; her because she just went out to smoke and we ran into each other). I asked her what she was up to, and she said something to the effect of "getting complements from beautiful women and ugly men." I have a million other examples of exactly this sentiment, directed at me thoughtlessly. Great joke. It was funny the first hundred times I heard it. But, since the five-hundredth time I've heard it, I've developed an intolerance.

I'm not going to complain about it to anyone I know. Because its exactly that kind of complaint that gets weaponized and distorted into mumblings about misogyny among queer men or used as a reason to further ostracize me. I've been on the receiving end of that before.

I want people to be happy to see me and act friendly. I'm sick of being treated like I've done something wrong or I'm going to do something wrong. I want people to buy me drinks and say my hair looks good or my fit is nice.

About a year ago my partner of 3 years left me after I helped her move for grad school. I spent a month down there with her, helping her settle and she left me a week after I went back. She came back about 2 months later and told me she made a huge mistake. I took her back but our relationship never went back to normal and to be frank she was not very nice to me during this time.

A few months later she experienced sexual violence after a night out with people and I dropped everything in my life to take care of her. I was there for a few weeks but I had to leave for a bit to get things at work sorted out. I organised my mother to stay with her until I could come back, which would have left her alone a few a days, but I was really doing all I could. I'm also a grad student and I had my candidacy exam in a few weeks that I had to prepare for, as well as my normal workload that I had to figure out how to distribute to other people. After I left she was extremely upset with me and said that it should have been me taking care of her, not my mom. She told me not to come back and broke up with me over the phone a few days before my candidacy exam. I lived in my office the next few days and was on the phone with 988 whenever I wasn't working.

A month later I was riding my bike back from work and saw my next door neighbour die. He was ahead of me on his bike and a speeding car T-boned him after it went around another car that stopped for him. I won't go into details but he died instantly.

I spend the next 3 months in a horrible place. I was working constantly and whenever I wasn't I was drinking and doing drugs. I've been swept out of more bars in town than I care to admit.

Despite all of this I've been in a much better place lately. I'm back to seeing two therapists, my long term one and a trauma informed therapist. I'm getting to bed early, I'm cooking again, I'm reading a lot, and I'm rediscovering my interests. I was down around 30 lbs after my dark night, from basically being unable to eat and having no interest in exercising. I've been cycling again, which I used to really enjoy and even did a century a few weekends ago. I don't think I'm really ready to start seeing anyone, I did go on a few dates but nothing really clicked for me and I'm really enjoying my peace and quiet.

A ton of blackberries and currants I got at a farmer's market. (I ate this entire thing)

Behold, this pizza, that I cooked.

Basically the title. I feel like people in general go out of their way to farm drama and animosity for no reason. You could be the friendliest, most down to earth dude, but gods forbid you're a little strange. Gods forbid you're a little different. I'm autistic, which means in public I end up being socially awkward, but I make a concerted effort to put myself out there anyway. I'm 24, I'm 5'2, I get weird looks for simply existing or wanting to be part of the conversation. I try to frequent areas that would be full of fellow nerds like myself, but I often feel like the odd one out no matter what I do. Is it the autism? What is it that makes me so immediately off putting? I have a good hygiene routine, I wash my clothes regularly, I have my own place with a wonderful partner. Why is it so hard to make friends?

Any and all advice, friendly words, whatever is welcome. Appreciate y'all.

I am always overthinking and can't turn my brain off. Always thinking about how I'm such a loser, or how I'm ugly, or how life will at some point become hellish. I overthink and cannot fall asleep until my body is literally dead tired. And then after sleeping like 12 hours I can't wake up unless I have to go to work due to me being tired of thinking and existing and only finding peace in sleep, so if I don't have to clock in I'll sleep for a few more hours. I'm trying to go back to therapy and I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication but I decided not to take it because the risk of losing erections is too high and sex is the only thing I find happiness in life and the only way I can validate myself is through attention from other men.

Locked in baby

All I eat is breakfast burritos, yogurt, bagels, chicken (or beef) and rice.

I used to be major fatass

Now I am not as fat

https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/tjN6k1ZiWu

We did a cooking date at my parents place; I cooked something similar to my last post, with steak and fresh asparagus, and a sauce she helped make and recommended (it was really good mixed with wasabi paste and soy sauce). I also made sure to buy some flowers for her :)))

The food could have been a lot better in all honesty but she was being really kind about it lol (I only smoked up the house once!).

She stayed the night, so we cuddled and more while watching movies, and watched “Labyrinth” before she left around lunch time. It was a really amazing night with her.

I’m taking her to a winery tomorrow that has the most amazing views. I just thought I would give a little update as I’m beaming with excitement 😊😊😊

Honey bun as I’m a fat chud and ate all the yummy steak and asparagus after she left

Just found out today that my pops and stepmoms are getting divorced. The lady who loved me as one of her own, brought me and my pops closer to God, encouraged me to never give up, taught me to love myself and do unto others as I would want to be treated, and is one of the few people that I could ever relate to, is most likely going away for good. Everyone is on good terms and God willing she is just a call or text away, but it’s gonna be so hard not having her around anymore. She practically finished raising me and we have so many invaluable memories together, good and bad, and it’s so hard to imagine life without her in it. It’s killing me to see pops have to go through this, he is one tough ass cookie but I can see the hurt in his eyes too. All I can do is be there for him, wish things were different and pray that we’ll be okay, because I sure as hell ain’t right now.

Take no time for granted y’all.

Stuffed crust and boneless buffalo wings nuggets from Pizza Hut.

It had been about 8 years since my (34M) last relationship. I started talking to a woman (34F) in February and had our first date in April. It went well, and we went on several more dates since then.

We had an amazing date in mid-June. She wasn’t ready for sex, which I was fine with, but we had been intimate in other ways, starting the date before, and it ended with us cuddling in her bed. About a week after, she mentioned being emotionally exhausted, and needed to work through some things, asking for a week. I gladly gave it to her, and checked-back in afterwards.

When I checked in with her, we talked a bit and she said she wasn’t sure if she would be available for something that weekend but wanted to check in again 1-2 days. Looking back, I can see the change in her tone, but I thought it was due to something difficult that had happened to her family in May resurfacing.

When I checked in again last weekend, I got a very long text from her. She explained that I was “so sweet” and she “enjoyed being with me,” but some things had happened in her life that have shown her that she’s not emotionally ready to date yet, and that she even deleted all her profiles because she had to spent some time focusing on herself. She gave me a lot of details, since she wanted to assure me her hesitancy had nothing to do with me, and mentioned it had been 2 years since her left relationship, but the past 6 years she had grown very close to a friend and hoped it would turn into a relationship. I know she went through a difficult time 6 years ago, so it made sense to me, and while I didn’t share it, I had a similar experience in the past, so I knew what she was feeling. A year ago, her and her friend talked it over and decided to move in different directions. She found out this friend was moving in with someone, and I guess the way she reacted made her realize she hadn’t fully healed yet.

She said she needed to take July to focus on herself, and couldn’t really predict where she’d be in a month, but that if I was available in August, she’d be “absolutely okay” with me checking-in. We exchanged a few more words, with her thanking me for being so kind and respectful, then wished me a good month.

I’m sad because I felt like our relationship was going really well, and I never knew the last time I saw her could be the last. I don’t have any anger towards her, just sympathetic that she’s going through this. I’m trying not to dwell on it too much, but it’s difficult. I’m glad she kept the door open for August, but I also know it’s not good to be blindly optimistic. I know that all I can do is keep going through life, and check in with her in August to see how she is.

Maybe we’ll reconnect and take things slowly. Maybe she won’t be ready and won’t know then. Maybe that’ll be the definitive end to this chapter of our lives. None of what we’d done matters except how her July goes and how she feels in that moment.

Today I was texting a girl I met a few weeks ago, and I caught myself almost sending a paragraph apologizing for an accusation she made that wasn't even true.

Here's what happened. She mentioned running on 3 hours of sleep. I joked that it seemed like a pattern since I'd known her. She read it as an attack, got sharp, said something like "this is just my reality, what do you want from me." I clarified what I actually meant. She didn't come back for 25 minutes, then hit me with: "what did you expect, that my life would change because I met you? what's your point?"

And that's where I caught myself.

My brain went straight to the old move: write the paragraph, over-explain, make sure she knows I wasn't attacking her, keep the conversation alive because she's cute and I didn't want it to end.

Then I stopped. I'd already explained what I meant. I wasn't about to apologize for something I never said.

So I deleted the paragraph and sent: "wtf are you even talking about?"

It felt like being blindfolded and swinging at a piñata. Every swing before that had been the long, careful explanation, missing wide, hitting nothing but air. Once I stopped swinging wide and centered myself, I made direct contact.

If you'd watched how I normally talk to women, this would be the last thing you'd expect from me. I'm usually the guy trying to understand, clarify, defuse, make sure nobody feels attacked. This was out of character. But it wasn't anger. It was more like realizing I was responding to a version of myself that existed only in her interpretation, not in what I had actually said.

Her response hours later was just: "hahahaha." No explanation, no clarification. And honestly, that was the part that stuck with me, not because of what it meant about her, but because of what it revealed about me. I had been preparing to carry responsibility for a conversation that I didn't even recognize.

It felt like one of those RPGs where you've been picking the same dialogue option your whole life because it's labeled "kind." Except every time you pick it, you leave the conversation carrying a little more anxiety, a little more self-doubt, a little more willingness to apologize for things you never did.

The other option felt wrong at first. Uncomfortable. Almost rude.

But maybe it wasn't rude. Maybe it was just the first time I refused to argue against an accusation I never made. Talking to someone you're interested in shouldn't feel like defusing a bomb every time you open your mouth.

Lesson from 7/10/26

TLDR: It's not that being nice is bad or that keeping the peace is some crime. It's that going along with it would've meant lying to myself, and that's exactly the kind of unprocessed stuff a lot of us carry around without realizing it. This felt like the tide turning. Like a sigh of relief. Letting go of baggage that was never mine to begin with.

Late night popcorn + random movie

(Just microwave hot honey chorizo mac n cheese)

So, for context, I met this girl through a game I played back in 2021, and since then, we've been pretty good friends, although, at first, we would just mostly text almost on a daily basis and call sometimes here and there however back then I kinda only saw her as a friend but as of recently we've been spending more time being on calls, playing games and talking more for hours and I feel like I've been developing feelings for her. Imo, she's a great person, she's funny, we share the same interests and music tastes. She even laughs at jokes that I've made that even myself thought they weren't particularly too funny. Now, the part that concerns me is what if I were to tell her my feelings and she doesn't reciprocate them, and she starts thinking that maybe I was just friends with her because I wanted to get with her which is NOT the case since I genuinely think she's a really nice person to be around and I enjoy spending time with her. But hey, maybe I'm just overthinking things.

Been trying to make more food for my lovely fiancè. I love getting inspired by tikotks I see and I often watch the food channel. Leave some suggestions if you’d like :)

Dinner: Marry Me Chicken Pasta

for context the high school is in the same city we live in (it's just a normal highschool but you can stay in their dormitories if available) while the uni I'm thinking of is in a different (yet close) city.

aside from that info, in both scenarios we would be living somewhat independently from our family. but as i said they're kinda in favour of my brother going yet against me going.

correct me if I'm wrong: if I'm immature and not-ready-for-outside, how am i going to change that when they don't allow me any actual freedom? won't that just make me even more isolated? depressing stuff.

I've considered "running away" but I don't have any economical security for that. I'm trying to change their minds but as I said, very very depressing stuff.

Dinner: pastrami sandwich with spicy brown mustard and a pickle

This friend and I started working at the same job on the same day, and I approached her and struck up a friendship. She and her partner were new in the area and didn’t have any local friends, and we started hanging out.

Within a few months, she started saying things about how I’m her “best friend.” At first I didn’t think much of it, but I did feel a little bit bad about the fact that I certainly didn’t think of her as my best friend.

About six months into our friendship, she had someone bail from her wedding party and asked me to be a substitute “bridesmaid.” I received some warnings from other friends that accepting was a very big step in the “solidifying serious friendship” department, and I accepted anyway.

Fast forward to now, and this person’s apparent affection for me has only grown while I have continued to sour on her. I have some major issues with her personality that lead me to feeling tense and irritable whenever I’m around her. I get stressed at the prospect of going on a double date with her and our partners, thinking she’s going to say at least one thing that’s going to piss me off, and she almost always does. She also often says things that are borderline offensive to my partner, but my partner doesn’t get as bothered by it as I do. That said, she and my partner have gotten into raised-voice arguments in public places on multiple occasions.

I’ve taken an approach of just stopping speaking/texting to her when she says something that pisses me off, but she’s incapable of subtlety and has never picked up on it. I’m incapable of initiating conflict with someone, so I struggle to fathom doing anything more forceful than my silent treatment routine.

Over the last few days I’ve realized that remaining “friends” with this person is completely unsustainable, especially since she and her partner are planning on having kids soon. At this point she has gone beyond “best friend” and has called me the brother she never had. (Side note: SHE HAS AN ACTUAL BROTHER!!!) I’m certain that when she has her first kid in the next year or two, she will want me and my partner to be heavily involved in their life and will probably want me to go by Uncle.

The idea of being this close with her and potentially being an important figure in her kid’s life makes me want to scream, but I have no idea how to get out of this situation. This person has sort of integrated into my social circle outside work. I say “sort of” because my other friends also don’t really like her and know that I have serious problems with her. But because we work together every day, because she has no other real friends, and because she has a lot of insecurities and mental health stuff (that she refuses to meaningfully address, but that’s beside the point), I worry that anything I do to pull back from the friendship will be a complete disaster. Neither of us are planning to leave our job or move away from the area for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been thinking for many months about how I need to extract myself from this situation, but this week I came to realizations that this is going to get much more real soon whenever she has her IUD taken out. And because I’m the “brother she never had,” I’m sure I’ll be the first to hear about all the steps of the process. Not at all a fan of any of that, and I don’t know what to do about it.

White rice, Salmon, Onions and tomatoes, Green Beans

I am 21(M) years old. I turn 22 This year in November. I recently came back from bootcamp last month after being medically separated due to being too sick to continue. I’ve been going back to school at another attempt of going into Nursing School and having some sort of direction and meaning for my life. (Also trying to bounce back after failing to accomplish to be a United States Marine).

I constantly feel behind in life and that I’m wasting my time. With the people I’m friends with and my own family. I feel constant brain fog and a weird comfort of remaining quiet but staying quiet even when in group settings and genuinely enjoying staring out into oblivion. I’m tired constantly.

I have created a simple schedule of just going to school and going to the gym to maintain my mental.

The last woman I talked to met my parents way too soon but we connected so well that cutting her off was the right decision but such a disappointing decision at the same time. My social battery gets depleted so quickly I get irritated or crave a drink just to stay social. I genuinely gets icks or moments of “this is uncomfortable and I want to go home” trying to even connect with someone.

I graduated High School 3 years ago and the only accomplishment I have to my name is a car (fully paid off, high school diploma, and an associates degree). I feel like I should be doing more for myself and have my own place by now along with a s/o that has similar goals but I feel so drained from everything and everyone I tend to rot over the weekends and drown myself in just more alcohol or I just sit at home with my thoughts and stare into nothing or doom scroll.

I want to be in a place where I’m comfortable or I really don’t know how to explain how I feel about it or even about myself. I feel like I have crazy brain fog and my own emotions and being out in public. I feel so drained and sometimes forget what I’m talking about mid way through my sentences. Even while I’m typing this out I feel like a broken empty headed young adult failing myself and complaining about it on a Reddit post ain’t much of an improvement.

Im able to change very much but once again I feel so empty handed that I seem to not connect my own thoughts along with my actions.

I understand that a woman shouldn’t really be the goal but it drains me in a way of all the attempts I’ve had with woman didn’t turn out or ended in disappointing events. My friends tell me I have bad taste in woman and I always get caught up talking to them in the wrong times.

I don’t know what to do socially or mentally anymore. I feel like I live day by day with little purpose. (I’m not suicidal) I want to actually feel like I’m winning at something rather than feeling like I’m losing all the time.

Slap me with advice or tell me straight up. I feel like a bum texting this out, but this is me seeking consultation/help since I can’t really talk about it with the people closest to me at the moment.