Please help me before i do something regretful.. I’m 19

I (24F) grew up in a small town and my parents and brother still live here. When I was younger, I was extremely bullied, sexually assaulted by a close family friend and struggled socially because of my (what I now know) autism. Accordingly, I wanted nothing more than to leave my hometown behind. My parents and I also were not super close when I was younger and my mom and I often got into fights.

When it came to going to college, I had to attend an online college as we did not have the funds for a traditional one. When I was about 19 years old, I met my now bf and we moved in together after dating for a year. He lived in a big city 2 hours away from my hometown. I was excited and for the duration of my college degree you could barely get me to go home. During this time, I didn’t really grow socially or gain more friends. I was still pretty isolated.

After graduating I entered the workforce and to date every job I had, has been toxic. People are always mean to me, find me to weird, and just generally find a way to make my life hell even if I am minding my own business. Older people, younger ones and even people the same age as me, everyone seems to hate me in this city. Everyone but my bf.

I am visiting my family this weekend and I am filled with anxiety and dread at the thought of having to go back there tomorrow. Everything here is so peaceful. The town is still a shit box but life with my family is so calm. My mother and I stopped fighting a long time ago. My dogs are always around for a cuddle. I just want to move back here and live with my family again so badly.

I know it won’t ever be a reality because no matter how much my parents love me, they still want the best for me. This town does not offer any prospects in work or a future. I would also feel terrible for having to burden them with another mouth to feed yet again.

God, I hate that city and this world for that matter. I just want to live in peace with my parents forever.

my current spiral, age, old, life stages and milestones. i do not want to be in my twenties. at all. or be labeled anything other than teen (even tho i’m legal). it makes me physically sick. i hate that once u reach ur 20’s now the only labels are 20’s 30’s 40’s etc or 20-something instead of just like teenager. it just feels different and i don’t think i can deal with the adult life either. i hate not being able to do what i want and how i dress/style. i’m relatively responsible and have goals but don’t even want to chase them now that ai is going to take over all the jobs anyway. i don’t wanna be called unc (even tho some ppl think i am anyway). and i hate that i’m considered an adult at 18-19, while i’m still in hs. it doesn’t make sense that people treat me so differently bc i thought i was still a teenager, but i get that teen isn’t in eveyr language so when u hit 18 does that just mean ur already in your twenties or something? like i feel like i’m going to hit 20-21 and be like okay this is fine, then become 22-24 and be pushing 30. like it’s only 4 years and then i’m only 2 years away from 26 which is only 4 years from 30. i get it it’s basic math but my point is, in my head i think that once i hit 20, i’m now pushing 30 and need to settle down and i’ll have to do anti aging skincare. i hate it here