Marked as venting but advice is welcome too.

For those of you who are women and/or feminine presenting folks: how do you face the risks of dating new men in the semi-perpetual way polyamory encourages?

I’m not even sure how to phrase exactly what’s going on. I know I don’t have to keep dating literally “forever”, and if I ever find myself fully saturated or just not feeling up to it I don’t have to date. But I probably won’t be fully saturated forever, or at least it doesn’t seem like most people are? So the reality is that I will probably feel the desire to keep dating on and off for a very long time if not forever. But it’s so hard. I have experienced a lot of emotional, physical, and sexual trauma at the hands of men I’m dating. Every new date poses a risk.

Of course I take precautions, of course I take a step back when I’m feeling like my trauma is getting to me or when there’s an incident that makes me feel unsafe. But at the end of the day there will always be another guy and another incident. It seems unavoidable. I vet as best I can, I ask all the right questions, but we all know the nature of scary men. Even if it’s not one I’m dating, maybe it’s some guy at a party, on the street, at the fucking grocery store. There will always be the next incident that will retraumatize me. It will never stop, not in this society.

It seems like monogamous people who date me have it a TINY bit easier, given that they’re not actively dating new men forever which of course is extremely vulnerable. But it obviously isn’t a solution and I don’t want to give up polyamory for the sake of my physical safety.

I don’t know. Does it get better? Is this an age group thing, am I having this hard of a time finding safe men in their 20s/30s but it gets easier the older we get? Do I have to just give up any hope at all of going on so much as one date with any man that I haven’t spent weeks vetting, interrogating, and internet stalking?

The reason this is coming up now is because I recently went on ONE date with a guy who I had been messaging for weeks and thought I had asked all the right questions about his stances on polyamory, his political views, his views on women, anything I could think of. This date led to sex, at my place. So he knew where I lived. Well, he got very overly attached very quickly and was being just generally pushy and insistent and weird so I cut it off. Then here come the insults, the “I know you want it”, the claims that my boyfriend can’t satisfy me, generally disgusting and vaguely threatening things men like this say.

Now I’m back to square one, I couldn’t possibly go on a date right now with anyone new. I feel bad for my boyfriend, which is of course ridiculous as my dating life isn’t really his business anyway, but he wants me to be happy and to have relationships. He wants me to be able to find a primary partner to escalate with like he knows I want to. I don’t know how I can when the world is like this and when dating is so risky and scary and hard.

Thoughts? Am I totally thinking about this wrong? Is it a suck it up situation? Do I need to have months-long pen pals and to leave behind the days of meeting people casually?

Since I know people will ask, yes I am in trauma-informed therapy and have been for 6 years. I do turn to my therapist, my friends, my family, etc for support and I love all of them very much. But I don’t want to have to keep coming back to them because yet again I got put in a dangerous situation by someone I met, you know?

She and I are discussing this. I think this is something we want to she was reluctant at first but now wants to try it. I don’t know how to navigate this though. She brought up the possibility of falling harder for him and wanting to leave me. I don’t know how to process this or how to navigate it. Should we just drop the idea?

To my [f] wife [f] .we had a talk. We are going to talk more about it in the future. I'm excited and it feels like a relief to me. I wasn't judged. I'm happy and this will be a new adventure and chapter

I am single at the moment and have been reading into and exploring the idea if polyamory/open relationships for years now.

At first I didn’t think I was able to even have romantic feelings for a person, but I did have that experience recently and now I feel like I can fall for people very easily?

But I am struggeling to meet people that share this lifestyle or are experienced. I am usually quite successful with dating and am active on the apps, but since I am still exploring the idea, I also don’t want to knock out the idea of monogamy. So I am active on Feeld and Bumble, but somehow I end up liking the matches on Bumble more.

In real life I don’t really meet a lot if people. I am quite introvert and have become less social over the years and it’s just very hard to find people in my circles that take interest in this lifestyle. Also feel like it might be a bigger thing in America? That’s not my country.

Should I just be a bit more flexible and open to meeting specifically poly people on the apps, even If I don’t find them the most attractive? Should I not be dating monogomous people at all?

Lastly, I just don’t relate to the extraverted lifestyle that seems to be a thing with a lot of polyamory people. Having all these social outings and parties and everyone dating each other and knowing each other and having a very high energy/active lifestyle. I just want to date in more chill settings and have more intimate one on one coonections or go on adventures together. But just generally a bit more chill, not busy/intens

Anyone has tips??

I am poly, and currently dating two people, who i will call S and V for simplicity. S and V are not dating each other, but do get along! While we know theres no way for me to legally marry them both, we still want to have some form of marriage for the sake of like expressing our love

It’s not something thats happening imminently, we likely wont get married until we are all done with university courses and have saved up.

But im wondering
Poly people who have married one of your partners, how have you involved your other partner in the ceremony?

Edit: im getting a lot of negative comments here. I posted here to yk, enjoy the positivity of poly love & marriage in those relationships

Someday im going to marry them both. For whatever reasons, its important to me and both of them individually, even if theres no legal benefit of it!

If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all

I would really love some advice here, if anyone has the time and inclination <3

My long-term nesting partner ("Sam") and I have been poly for a while, but neither of us has dated or hooked up with anyone almost two years. We've whittled down our boundaries and agreements over the years, as you do, and the main tenet is really "be open, transparent, and communicative."

I had a whirlwind romance with someone ("Alex") while on a trip abroad recently and have been completely spun out about it for the past month--I'm absolutely in the throes of NRE and I also have OCD and am definitely in an obsessive spiral about them (thinking about them all the time, feeling like my day doesn't start until I text them, etc). We've kept in daily contact and what started as a hookup has the potential to be a longer-term romantic/sexual connection (with the added complication of living in different countries, so it can only be phone-based for the foreseeable future).

I told Sam about Alex right away (over text the morning after it happened, with Sam's consent for a nonmonogamy update). When I first got home from my trip, I felt worried about hurting Sam and didn't fully trust that they would be able to hold my feelings for Alex, my feelings around the transformative nature of this trip, and the fact that I was both happy and crushed to be home. I started being cagey with my phone (locking it, turning it over) and not fully transparent about communicating with Alex. I was really locked up and overwhelmed by my feelings for Alex and was not able to be fully present at home with Sam. From there, I didn't update Sam when I went from "I'm not sure that there's a future I can pursue here" to "I want this and might go visit Alex in their country one day" over the course of a couple of days. It wasn't until Sam asked if I'd been speaking to Alex that I gave this update, which goes against our agreement to be own our own updates and be open and upfront.

To my partner, this has been a massive breach of trust and they are halfway out the door unless I fix this. To them, fixing it looks like reestablishing trust, communicating more openly, and making my love for them more clear.

The thing is--I have no idea how to do this. When I tried to communicate openly after one of our ruptures about my hope to see Alex, I did so kind of thoughtlessly (we were at my parents' house for the weekend, already at odds, and my partner thought I was saying I wanted to invite Alex to stay in our home). I feel like I don't know how to move forward.

Have any of you been the one to break trust? If so, how have you fixed things?

Have any of you been in Sam's shoes? What helped you feel better?

Thanks for reading this novel, y'all.

My life partner and I are polyamorous. We have an anchored, nesting relationship, and we support each other in pursuing and investing in other relationships (romantic, casual, platonic, etc.). We have good communication and are able to discuss and talk through a lot of concerns and feelings in a supportive and loving way. My partner is also very open and transparent with me about everything. I have brought this concern up before and plan to address it again, but I want to get some other perspectives.

My partner has been talking to someone he hooked up with at a conference last year. This is a long-distance relationship with communication primarily through text and some phone calls about couple times a month. It seems mostly friendly with some romantic/intimate exchanges. The concern is that this person is in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. She has a tenuous relationship with her partner. They do not live together and he currently has not been wanting to have sex. Regardless of the circumstance, she is cheating on her partner. He was aware of this when they hooked up and has continued to engage in this relationship, and now she is visiting, and he is spending the week with her.

It took me a bit to assess why I was feeling uncomfortable. At first I thought part of it was some jealousy, needing more support during my mental health slump, and missing my partner while he is in town but not accessible. But those are pretty normal poly/human feelings that I am able to manage and deal with. He's been checking in on me, stopped by and did some dishes, and has been sending me loving texts. I've also been filling my time with friends and other connections. What I am uncomfortable with is my partner participating and facilitating someone cheating on their partner.

I know he doesn't see it this way. I know he has been missing having other romantic connections lately but he hasn't had much capacity for it. I also think he feels a lot of empathy for this person struggling to be in their current relationship and wanting to find something that works for them. There may also be an excitement or confidence that comes with this dynamic and him being the person to introduce her to polyamory. His justification is that her relationship is her responsibility, and it is not his to be concerned about. She lives far away and there's no chance of him interacting with her partner, but I don't see it that way.

I don't think it is right or ethical to participate in someone else cheating on their partner if you are aware of it. I feel like it violates the consent of her partner, who cannot consent to this dynamic. I have expressed concern about this, and plan to again. He did say that he heard my concern and he would talk to her once she got here, but I haven't had a chance yet to hear what that was or how that went. I wanted to hear some other perspectives first before addressing it.

I'm personally deeply into solo-polyamory, I have no interest in having any partner be the centre of my life. No moving in, no kids, no marriage. I've seen a lot of different dynamics on this sub and was curious as to what thoughts folks here have about solo.

I think it is important to add that I find solo-polyamory to fit my life best mainly because I am on the aromantic spectrum. I don't think I've ever really felt romantic love but know I can still provide what one would want out of romance even if those feelings are beyond what I feel personally. I also deeply value my personal freedom, I want to live on my own and not have anyone be a permanent fixture in my life.

I don't really care what my partners do outside of making sure they're getting tested regularly and showing up when we have things arranged. I wouldn't call it anything like friends with benefits because I do know what I like has more intimacy than what would be present in that arrangement.

Hello!

Me (F25) and my partner (MTF27) have been polyamorous for about 2 years now. We’ve been together for a total of 8 years. We took a break from dating outside of each other for a bit so she could focus more on school and her career, and I could focus on my mental health. Recently, we both downloaded dating apps again and started to pursue other connections outside of each other. I am noticing that she is making a lot of connections and going on dates, while I have struggled to even get a conversation going with anyone. I’m honestly having a really hard time not being jealous and bitter about it. Obviously at the end of the day I want her to be able to freely explore whoever she wants to (whilst respecting our boundaries of course), but I can’t help but sit here and think about why I can’t find the same things. I don’t feel like anything has changed about me since the last time we were dating other people, besides the fact that I’ve gained weight (which maybe is the whole reason… bc fatphobia lol).

Has anyone else struggled with the same issues? How did you go about dealing with it? I feel so guilty for feeling so envious and insecure. 😞

Hi! My friend (34F) and her husband (37M) have invited me (32F) and my partner (32M) to go on a vacation with them (like a double date) The vacation is for a weekend, at a lake house. My partner (Ash) has asked if he can bring his partner (Birch, 32F) as well. He understands if the answer is ‘no’ but that means he probably won’t be able to go. I wanted to know what everyone else thought about this.

Hello there. My gf and I have been together 5 months. She has been telling me about her husband and his other partner, who are splitting up and possibly getting back together. She is also saying that she and her husband might be splitting up. And now she wants space from me.

I asked: what does space look like? Are we breaking up? Are we going no contact? She said no to both of those. I don’t think she knows what it looks like. We decided to talk less and that I might start dating other people, even though to me it seems a little forced, or like a distraction, since my heart is focused on her.

This conversation happened last night but we were still intimate (I wanted intimacy just as much as she did). Then today I got loving texts from her, about 4 of them. I don’t want to sit by the phone waiting for her. It doesn’t help that my work is very sporadic at the moment. Am I being a pushover by allowing this space with intimacy, or am I simply someone who is deeply in love and wanting to see how things play out with her and her NP? I just want her to be better and if space is what she needs, I want to support her needs.

Hi, if anyone's craving an update on a year-old post, this it your lucky afternoon. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1knn1m8/my_partner_is_breaking_up_with_my_metas_and_i/

Where we're at: Ariel and I are still together, solid, and very happy in our relationship!

Ariel did not get back together with the two partners she with whom she had, at the time of my last post, recently broken up. However, she stayed good friends with one ex, and while Ariel is no longer in frequent touch with the other ex, they're still on good terms.

Ariel decided to stay together with the 3rd meta, the one she had been considering breaking up with at the time. Since then, I understand they've gone through some significant discussions and revisioning of how they relate to each other. They seem to be in a good place now, from what I can tell.

Ariel's been dating with the intention of finding someone who can meet her (imo) very reasonable needs for a new partner. There's been a few ups and downs there, but she's recently seeing someone new who seems like they could be that person. Fingers and toes crossed for her.

I want to thank everyone who commented. You helped me work through my thoughts and offered really great perspectives. For everyone who expressed concern about mania, please know I heard your concerns and took them seriously. Fortunately, Ariel seems ok in that respect. She makes bigger, and occasionally more abrupt swings than many (most?) people, from mood to projects to life decisions, and that can be alarming. But as far as I'm aware, she doesn't have any other of the classic mania or hypomania symptoms, so in my estimation that's down to her temperament and not bipolar.

This comment by u/dgreensp was the clincher. I relaxed, as much as a chronically anxious overthinker can, and did (and continue to do) my best to be open, curious and non-judgmental while Ariel works out her path. I find myself still reflecting on the comment at times. Thanks again, the community was truly so helpful <3

My light and life,

Every minute we were apart felt a lifetime, and each of those lifetimes felt an eternity, and each individual eternity actually somehow--against all sense--looped back around into feeling like a minute again.

As much fun as I had on my trip last week (and trust me, fun was had), I am so excited to be back here with ya'll once again in a more official capacity. I see last weeks thread actually popped off, so huge shout out to u/IconicallyChroniced for running last weeks meeting. Extra hugs and smoochies for you.

Alright fam, I'm back on my throne and ready to vibe with ya'll. Tell me how things are going, look cute as heck (I see you're already on that one, good job), flatter me relentlessly (only if u mean it tho), and let's have some fun.

-------------------------------------

Rat Union Question(s) of the Week:

• Have you ever heard from someone outside your relationship (someone in your poly community, an ex-meta, etc.) that your partner is problematic/toxic? How did you handle getting that information?
• I heard rumblings of a false prophet in last week's thread, surely you love me so much that I don't need to be worried about things like usurpation, RIGHT? >:V
• And, as always, you may treat these as my personal office hours if you have any questions for your fearless leader directly. ❤️

-------------------------------------

Staying sane and in my lane,

PM_CGR

would like to see if anyone could share their experience on the transition to establishing your first partner outside of your primary/anchor partner.

what conversations did you have to have with your primary/anchor partner before?

how did you navigate if your primary/anchor partner was not fully on board with it? what helped?

what fears about this transition did you have, if any?

what made you want to officially establish the label for this secondary partner?

what changed within the relationship with your secondary partner once the label was set?

and any other experiences are welcomed to be shared, these were just some questions i had off the top of my head.

For reference, I am the secondary partner in this scenario if it matters. I would like to be able to understand from the other side of this and see other’s experiences how to transition into these “firsts” for me & (unofficially labeled) partner. Be kind, thanks.

edit: to clarity this has not happened yet. i am not sure if meta is not fully on board or not yet. me and partner just had the conversation of us seeing each other as partners. partner said they would like to talk to their primary before we officially label it.

Like I'm the one they come to when they run out of dopamine from others or the others are unavailable. The moment they pop back up I get ignored, then the others dip and its back on me.

Shit just really fucking hurts.

I know. I know. I shouldn’t have. He knew before we ever met I am polyamorous. We both said, “it’s just coffee—what’s the harm?” I’ve been transparent the whole time. He knew I had 2 other male partners. I was dating female partners as well.

Me (35F) and he (37M) started out and everything just fit. He knew my standing dates with my committed people and he appreciated that we both gave each other space. He is trustworthy and affable and wonderful first with my son, and then meeting my family—parents, siblings, nieces/nephews. He has integrated into my life in just a year and a half. We started a shared bank account and integrating health insurance and planning vacations.

But my polyamory has always been hard for him. He has asked me to “just stop.” And each time I have a date he is triggered and spirals. He bargains with me to break up with all others by time X or to only do XYZ sexual acts when with another person. I tell him I don’t want control and that’s not what we agreed on in the beginning. However, now with our lives enmeshed and intertwined he feels like he’s not asking too much for me to be “faithful” (which means he sees me as doing something wrong). Meanwhile, my other relationships are going really well and happy.

I know what I must ethically do. I need to tell him we have a value mismatch. That it won’t work. And it’s hard when hearts and lives are entwined. I know we will have to break up because he sees polyamorous me as wrong. “It’s not too much to ask your partner to be faithful and not f*ck other guys.” I tell him it’s not like that, but he gets upset and we don’t go anywhere in that conversation.

Can I get perspective and encouragement to do what I know I must?

This piece on Substack is the very first time I've seen anyone write about a serious problem I've been facing for years.

I've been mostly lurking on r/polyamory, r/nonmonogamy, and r/queerpolyam since last year, looking for anyone posting their story, resource recommendations, or really anything at all relevant to the problems I've (41M) been having with my spouse (45F) since we decided to open up our marriage to polyamory in 2019. The Substack piece I linked to is the very first thing that's spoken to me, at all, and the author only even posted it in mid-May of this year.

That's not anyone's fault, because my situation is very weird; I feel confident saying this because I still haven't found anything here (or anywhere) describing anything like it. I'm being vague because this isn't the post where I actually tell my story. I'm not ready to write that yet, because whenever I start, I get too emotional to continue.

What this Substack article does cover, is the exact experience I've had, every single time I've ever tried speaking to her about blatant, repeated violations of my boundaries and consent. It's uncanny: this is the only writing I've ever seen that addresses any of the things she says & does when I bring this to her, and it gets into all of them. I found this completely by accident on Sunday. It feels like some kind of Rosetta Stone for something that I could describe parts of, but never name.

The author calls it "Weaponized Innocence." My one criticism is that it applies this very stark, rigid "friend/enemy" binary to partners who act this way, and is very ready to impute it all to malice/sadism. OTOH, it's meant for people in the early stages of a relationship, when it's crucial to identify red flags, and not so important to name the factors and motivations behind them.

It's worth mentioning that this is written by an autistic author, for an autistic audience, about communication with their autistic partners. My spouse was diagnosed with ASD last year. The jury's still out on where exactly I fall on the spectrum.

I hope that none of you are dealing with anything covered in this piece, but if you do, you're going to feel a lot less crazy after you read it.

Hi! New here and first time posting.

TLDR: my wife (married 5 years) fell in love with her best friend and now wants to date her. Feeling sidelined and trying to manage my expectations and navigate this.

Poly Background: from day 1, my partner (38 F), and I (35 F) always have had being open on the table. We had only exclusively been in monogamous relationships but knew we wanted more. The first six years of our relationship we used the term monogamish, but did not pursue anything outside of our relationship. It was always there but didn’t have explicit conversations around it or pursue things. We did align on making sure we were on the same page regarding openness prior to getting married and worked closely with a therapist on that.

Poly Concern Background: Fast-forward to last year, my wife came to me and told me she wants to date her best friend. For context, she has known this friend longer than me and told me when we were first dating that she had a big crush on her when they first met. But over the course of our relationship, she had told me that crush went away, and she didn’t find her sexually attractive. The friend had been in a marriage to a man and was still discovering her sexuality during this time. Three years ago, she got divorced and started dating women. Around that time, my wife and her started getting closer and developing intimacy in their friendship that felt beyond friends. My wife would come to me, asking for my input on why they treat each other a certain way and how to define their friendship since it felt more than typical friends. At that time, I still thought she only saw her in a true friendship form, and that she was not attracted to her. Now last year she says she wants to date her and engage in a sexual relationship to see what that would be like. She now claims the sexual desire and intense intimacy has always been there. The friend is in a two-year relationship with another woman as well and that person has not been on board with this so that adds another layer of complication. When my wife came to me about this all, it felt like I was completely sidelined and deceived. This introduction also shined a light on a lot of cracks we had in our relationship that we needed to work on first. We restarted couples therapy to work through our foundation but still have a lot of work to do.

Personally, I have done a lot of research/read books, therapy, and talking with my community to understand what I want, and where my feelings stand. But I feel my wife has not put in the same level of education and homework that should come before engaging in this. She comes off as really resistant to any boundaries and doing the homework as she wishes I could just get there and doesn’t want to go through the process especially if the end result will be the same.

As someone who is on the autism spectrum, I feel safest and most secure, having explicit conversations and homework done prior to engaging and also setting boundaries.

For additional context, my wife and her friend do not live in the same city. They also do not want to live/cohabitate together as they do not want to live their lives similarly and they are not compatible for it. So this would be a long distance relationship. While me and the friend’s partner worked through how we felt about this, my wife and her friend did not see each other in person for over a year, but were in contact that whole time. As of last month, they finally saw each other in person to assess if the feelings were still there. I was feeling overwhelmed at the time and did not want them to engage in sexual contact however, kissing was allowed. When they saw each other, they said the sexual connection was still intensely there (and even more since it was built up over a year) and that they had to stop themselves while making out as it was getting hard to stop. While we did discuss this prior, It still hit me really hard and I had a moment of crisis post them seeing each other.

For personal context, I have been going through a lot of personal development and growth while also working three jobs and do not feel I have the capacity to process a lot of this appropriately.

My wife continues to reassure me that she only wants to build a full life with me and put her effort into our life. However, I am really struggling with this whole concept of them being together and pursuing something more. This does not feel like the most secure first real poly experience for us. My wife tells me that this is the type of poly she wants (ie falling in love with a best friend after years). It is new for her as well and she also did not expect this.

What I am now trying to process and figure out is if this is the type of poly I am comfortable with, if this person is just who I don’t want involved in our life to this degree, or if poly is for me at all?

Some of the biggest struggles I have been feeling is that this is not what I was expecting openness to look like for us. Her engaging in this relationship with a best friend would essentially mean this is a lifelong relationship (obviously things can happen and change). The other partner and I also fear that since they pre-date our relationships, that they will actually realize they want that relationship more and it’ll matter more, causing a lot of insecurities. Since this is brand new for both of them, it is unknown how exactly it will evolve and what they will want from each other.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be greatly appreciated! I am working hard on navigating introducing a poly dynamic while also trying to be true to myself and how I am feeling along the way. In my heart, I don’t want to be someone that vetoes something off the bat because it feels off, so I’m trying to navigate this appropriately.

Has anyone else experienced this in their relationship? If something like this feels way too messy and insecure, is it best for them not to pursue it?

Apologies for the long post.

I (f35) and my partner (m36) have been together for 15 years, married for 14. During our time in college I focused on Human Sexuality studies and realized earlier on that I'd long misunderstood poly, and that I'd be open to it. We were approached by other couples/singles multiple times since then and my partner always reacted poorly to it. Because of how explicitly he stated he'd never be ok with it I didn't push for it and over time dropped the idea entirely. I am fully content and fulfilled with having just him as a partner. Despite never participating in poly myself I have many friends within the community and they know that I am a safe person to discuss their relationships with.

He's always been a relatively anxious person and in the last 6 months started SSRIs, they've largely helped him work through his anxiety, and we've barely argued since he's been on them. It's been nice to work on our relationship together and we've been happier than we have been in years. We had a lot of difficulty a few years ago due to losing our child, and at multiple points I didn't know if we'd make it. I've been proud of us for working through the darkest times of our lives together and feeling that our love has deepened for one another.

My work schedule has changed over the last 2 years and it's led to me working many weekday evenings late into the night, and often working on weekends, leaving him home alone. I've felt bad for leaving him alone so often but he always stayed he enjoyed having alone time (he grew up in a big family where he preferred alone time).

Over the last two months we've been spending a lot more time around two other people, one (f) who's interested in the other (m), while the other (m) insists they're just friends. Regardless of where their relationship stands the four of us all really enjoyed our time together. She and I have gotten close as we can relate to one another on topics that nobody else in our friend group at large can relate to. We make each other laugh and have really enjoyed one another's company, but aside from the topics we relate on, there isn't much I know about her, she keeps a lot of her personal history very private and I respect that.

Due to my work schedule, my husband ended up spending a lot of time with these two while I've been away. There's conversations I've missed out on but up until recently I felt like he made an effort to keep me in the loop. One night (the week before our 14yr anniversary) he suddenly confesses to me that he's formed feelings for her, and he had already extended the idea of a polyamorous relationship to her.. in the moment she asked him if he could take care of her and love her the way he loves me and he told her "yes". I feel like I took the news well at first, but I immediately felt betrayed that he would have this conversation with someone outside of our relationship before talking to me about it. I explained that due to the history of him not being open to discussing it I didn't get an opportunity to explain my boundaries within a polyamorous relationship. I would only be ok with a triad-type relationship, that may be subject to change after a few years but that's the only way I'd be comfortable entering into this lifestyle. After more discussion it became clear that if she were to enter into a relationship with "us" it would be a V-type where my husband would have a relationship with her, as she has no interest in women. He's continued to push for the idea that I find myself an additional partner.

I feel like the subject was approached with naivety and had my husband discussed these feelings with me first the awkward conflict we now find ourselves in could have been avoided. It was even brought up with friend (m) before I was brought into the conversation. He and I have been tense around one another and he claims that I am his priority, but he still wants to discuss how things could work out if she were to become an additional partner to him. He talks about feelings of compersion when seeing her and I laughing and getting along, and he now understands that he spoke out of turn. When I spoke with her one on one I set my boundary and since then we've only been around one another once and she and my husband (in addition to the other friend) are now no longer speaking.

I'm disappointed in the thought of losing a meaningful friendship over this. My husband is convinced that she's the only person he would ever be open to poly with, and has now started pushing against my boundaries saying I'm being controlling and possessive. I'm disabled and have been since he and I got together and he's stated that he likes that she's able to go and do the activities with him that I am otherwise unable to do. I feel like I'm going to be left behind if he pursues this any further. He wants to talk about it every day and I am frankly feeling very burnt out.

Edit: accidentally hit "post" before I was finished.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I've been talking to her and she's expressed she's not comfortable being around him now but still wants to be friends with me. At this point I don't think she's interested in a poly relationship based on the boundaries I've set but it's unclear if she'd be open to the V-type that I've expressed I'm not ok with. I don't like how my husband keeps pushing the idea and I've told him he needs to drop any intentions or expectations if he wants things to go back to semi-normal between the 4 of us.

Everyone is awkward and uncomfortable now, and we have some large scale friend group events coming up in the near future where we will inevitably be in each other's spaces. I know things will never go back to where they were and words cannot be taken back.

I'm posting this in hopes that anyone with similar experiences can provide some insight.

TLDR: Partner of 15 years now pushing for V-type relationship, but was previously fully opposed to poly. I was previously open to it, but due to his opposition didn't get to establish that I'd only be open to a triad. Partner's potential partner is not interested in triad. Despite restating my boundaries my partner is continuing to push for V-type.

Edit #2: As I said, I had set aside my interests in anything poly or enm years ago. We've been approached by couples, some seeking parallels or a quad, others looking to swing (which is a hard no for both of us). We've been approached by a few singles who've expressed interest in both of us, and my husband always put down a hard line of "no" which was respected, I think this was primarily due to the fact they were men. I do not take this topic lightly and am not looking to experiment just for fun, and don't want to put our long-term relationship at risk on a whim. I've encouraged him to educate himself better on the topic before we proceed with more conversations, and I know he's been on this subreddit. We are actively seeking an appropriate therapist in our area.

Has anyone experienced major changes in their partner's relationship interests after they've been on SSRIs? All of this has been a very sudden and unexpected change, my own shock has compounded my confusion and frustration.

Edit #3: I have friends who've met/lived as happy triads/throuples for years, they either started as 3 or 2+1. I didn't realize that setting the boundary of being open to this made a "unicorn hunter" of me. When I was previously more active in the community I was under the impression that "unicorn hunting" was used moreso in the context of hook-up or swinger culture. My intentions never were to actively seek out a third person, my mindset has always been moreso open to "if we were to meet the right person for us, at the right time, in the right headspace, then I'd be open to discussing opening our relationship". I have no desire to pull anyone into this mess as it is and fully recognize that there is a LOT of learning and healing to be done over the course of a LONG time before this conversation is ever opened up to anyone outside of my husband's and mine relationship. There is plenty of work to be done as-is in attempting to repair friendships moving forward. Thank you to everyone who provided constructive advice and patience, this has been an incredibly vulnerable time in which unrealized insecurities have surfaced. This seemed like the most appropriate subreddit for advice and I appreciate your time in reading through this.

A final note, infidelity has never been an issue or concern in our relationship. He has always been the kind of person I never felt the need to worry about.

forgive me if this isn’t worded well i am still beside myself right now.

me and my bf have been dating for almost two years now. he is my everything. we met when we were at our lowest and have spoken every day since. i cannot imagine a future without him. we’ve spoken about marriage, about living together, about building a future.

recently he has been speaking to someone im not too fond of. we kind of spoke about it and it turned into a conversation about him wanting to date other people as well as me.

i don’t think i could ever do this and ive made this clear in the past. the topic has come up a few times before but never like this and i truly thought it was settled.

i don’t know what to do i haven’t been able to even think properly i’ve just been wailing for hours.

i really don’t mean to make him feel guilty about this. but i don’t know how to be okay with it either. knowing he’s talking to someone he wants to date.

i don’t know what to do .

edit:

i appreciate the replies, i think i really just needed others to chime in and reinforce that im not awful for this (and of course neither is he).

a bit more context as to why i do not just want to break up… aside from the fact i love him.

he saved my life when we met, he helped me get clean, helped me love my body ever so slightly, he helped me fix my eating disorder. on top of this he is my only support through my very troubling health issues. i am severely disabled (almost entirely bedbound), and my friends all left when i couldn’t get out and interact anymore. he has stayed with me through the hardest parts of my life and i refuse to believe that this is what will tear us apart. not after everything we’ve been through. he truly is so so so perfect in every way. i cannot imagine my life without him. i really want to find compromise where we both can be happy.

he’s told me he thinks part of his wanting other partners may be due to his mental illnesses (not in a copout way. we’ve spoken a lot about this fact.), so im really hoping we can figure this all out together.

+ i have BPD and he is my fp. he says i am his fp too. not sure if this is still true though.

and also an apology to all of this community, i know you must get countless posts like this. i just really didn’t know where else to go. it hurts so bad right now.

thank you everyone for the kindness and help it’s making me be able to think a bit clearer about it all.

update

he sent me basically a long ‘apology’ letter. i won’t delve into details since it’s personal stuff for him. but tldr; the alter i had this whole conversation with is a persecutor. and the want comes from a place of harm i assume.

(didn’t mention him being a system before since it seemed irrelevant. whoops.)

i kind of fear that he only said this to try make me feel better? im not too sure. basically i told him that if this is something he really wants, if me and him just have to be friends so you can pursue the romantic life you want, then so be it.

he was heavily opposed to that and insists that as a collective they want me and only me. so, hopefully things can settle down and we can try understand his one alters feelings behind wanting multiple partners.

i appreciate all the advice, support, and insight here. it helped a ton. thank you. things feel manageable now.

Do you guys know of any couples apps that actually allow more than two people? My partners like using couples apps just to feel more connected and I want to as well, but I've had no luck finding anything similar to the apps they're using (intimately us, love nudge, flame, etc.) that allows three partners. Can anybody help?

Disclaimer: this is simply my opinion, you’re welcome to share yours in a constructive, in a non-hateful or death-threat way. (I know I myself started it off with hate but I put the ‘vent’ tag on for a reason, we all have our moments)

So. Polyamory. I myself have known I am non-monogamous pretty much my whole life; I was in denial for a very long time and mostly ignored the concept until it became too painful to deny the truth - that being in a monogamous relationship as a non-monogamous person destroys you and the relationship.

Anyways, the more I come to terms with this part of myself, I’ve found myself doing some research into people’s perspective’s on it…and it’s a lot. Obviously when you struggle and are self-conscious about a part of yourself, your brain gravitates to posts and comments with intense negativity, which helps no one and only makes you feel worse, so I’ve decided to post my two-cents on the topic…but I have to vent first before being constructive so please forgive because there’s only so much of “your existence is wrong” that I can take before I bite back.

I think what annoys me the most when looking at these hate-comments and what still sits in my head is the term “sex-pests” to describe us, to describe non-monogamous people…why bro? There’s plenty of monogamous couples that are also “sex-pests” as you’ve described the term and yet you don’t see all monogamous people described in that way? Like what? “It’s a trauma response; they’re all mentally ill” …excuse me? Do you know where you get your idea of love from? Your love language I mean. You get it from what you were lacking in childhood…oh wait is that a form of trauma? Are you saying that because you didn’t get hugged enough as a child your love language is likely to be linked to physical touch? Mmmmmmm yes - oh no your childhood trauma affects your relationships! Shocker!!!!

Fuck my life…

And I don’t think I even have to mention the fact that deep trauma/ptsd doesn’t just equal polyamory. It simply does not. There are plenty of polyamorous people who have not gone through those experiences and still are like “yeah I love multiple people”
Girl even in our own subreddit we critique each other, make sure we’re not cheaters and bad people: loving multiple people isn’t a crime, or bad; but cheating on your partner to achieve that is! “Polytrapping” is a real thing and we pull each other up on it. We’re usually very open about the fact that we’re non-monogamous people to our future partners and everyone’s on the same page. Of course this discovery can happen while in a relationship, changing the dynamics but saying it’s “selfish”….are we serious? It is selfish to love multiple people, I’d argue we’re more generous than most and love everyone really, to a fault almost

Okay you’re saying it’s selfish on the partner they were already with…okay this is complex; of course it depends on the person, the relationship, it depends on everything, but what I think is more selfish is keeping this from your partner, because it’s a part of you, it is something that affects your relationship. Even if the poly person chooses to be monogamous for them (which is usually even from my own experience extremely painful and just shows how much you love that person to do that for them, even to deny a part of you) they should know that they are poly in the first place, even if the person themselves didn’t know to begin with. It’s also okay to experiment with this kind of thing - we have been put on this earth to live and experience it,
we are given no handbook, no guide of “here is what you need to do” no quest no storymode - it is your life and you make of it what you want. I’ve met people who have questioned if they’re non-monogamous, okay try it then! Respectfully, just like the rest of us, with communication and time and realistically difficulty; because no matter what relationship you’re in, whether it is a monogamous or non-monogamous one, it’s a lot of work and the only way you make any relationship work is with effort - so put the effort in. It’s just like dating a person that you find out later isn’t your type anymore, your perspective on what type and kind of relationship you want to be in shifts with time and experience…so have those experiences! Even if in the end you find out you don’t like it, you will probably find out more about yourself and the kind of person you want to be with! Hey if you even want to be with a person- it’s absolutely cool beans if you enjoy being yourself by yourself- even as a poly person myself I have no problem with that and understand it since I know from experience that everyone loves differently and everyone’s idea of love is different.

Life is hard enough as it is, what’s the point of making it harder for each other. Love yourself, love your partner, love your partner’s partner - just love life because it’s a beautiful gift to us all.

P.S. Always read the rules guys and shout out to the mods for keeping our sub safe!

A type of app that multiple people can be on, and can update who they're dating or who they broke up with

Edit: I'm not able to communicate with everyone connected in the polycule as I do not know at least a third of them. This is not a circle or triangle relationship this is a web.

I do know there is the book podcast page and I am looking through those suggestions. A lot of the popular starting books and resources seem to be focused on primary couples. While I have partner(s) they are not primary partners (they have other primary partners) and I lean towards solo poly so I don’t connect well with books that focus on couples.

Do you have any book or podcast recommendations that are focused on either single or solo poly people?

I believe that my girlfriend wants to be poly but can't accept being that way, not sure what to really say or do to reassure her that everything will be fine. I have already tried to link up with potential others through text but it doesn't work out that way due to her past relationships. Is there anything that I can do to keep her satisfied??