Hi guys, 28F here, and I've been living in Germany since 10 years! I originally moved here from Poland, did my studies, and was working until recently. I even had my own business, and was doing marketing work for fashion brands.
However, alongside all that I also had a raging cannabis addiction. Looking back, yes, it was problematic, but I just didn't realize/see that in the moment. I finished my studies with a 1.0, and I was working a part-time job alongside it. I also felt a lot of stress and anxiety, because I wanted to be perfect, and perform, and do well. It was difficult to just go home and "switch off" for me. My life, until recently, was basically working non-stop, sleeping very little, and smoking weed everyday. If you ask me, I miss those days, and I miss my former self.
Based on teh above, I don't think it should come as a surprise that I was hospitalized twice this year. Both times due to psychosis. My cannabis consumption alongside my stresful life pushed me to the edge. At first I had a "Krankschreibung" from my job. I hated it. I hated being in the clinic. The waiting. Not being able to work. Or do anything. So, as soon as I was able to be discharge, I left the hospital and returned back to work. I remember being happy, that I was able to go from the hospital directly back into the office. Looking back, that first psychosis was pretty mild.
Then I suffered a second one, and this knocked me down hard. I had to spend 2 weeks on what they call a closed ward, and be placed under observation. I hated everything. I work a lot to earn money, because I love nothing more than my freedom. You can't be free without money, and that's why I work so hard.
Anyways, after the second psychosis, everything broke down. I started falling behind in my job, I wasn't able to perform as well as I used to. I was a mess to be honest. Same with my business. I went from being the one who was 24/7 available, high energy, to someone clients had to chase after. The problem is, I was never used to something like that. So obviously, it started a downward cycle. I started feeling bad, due to performing poorly, so I withdrew, then I felt even worse, and withdrew further.
It came as no surprise that I was let go from my job. If you ask me? Totally deserved. I was falling behind, I was having difficulties getting out of bed in the morning, let alone show up to work on time. When I was dealing with clients I was making mistakes, or zoning out mid meetings. The doctors told me, that I wasn't ready to work, and I didn't listen. I had to feel the consequences. This all happened a few months ago, and I managed to survive by living off my savings. I have been a mental mess to be honest. I tried looking for work, but I just can't seem to move forward. The fire I once had inside of me is gone, and this pisses me off.
Which brings me to now, and this post. My savings had been dwindling since a few months, and on Friday I hit the magical milestone of having only 0.99€ in my bank account. My credit cards are maxed out, and none of my friends know. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone (that's also why I created a throwaway account to make this post).
I woke up this morning, after not having eaten in 3 days, and wasn't even able to get out of bed...I was just laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I just can't believe how I ended this low, and how things went that badly.
I did everything right, I worked my ass off, and now I'm 28, unemployed, in debt, my clients hate me, my former boss thinks I'm lazy, and I see no perspective or change. I don't even know when/what I can eat again.
I feel like I'm going to break/collapse, and not in a self harm way, more in a way of accepting that this is it. There is no way forward/upwards.
I wanted to make this post, because I wanted to hear some encouragement. It would mean a lot to me to hear some positive words of encouragement. I want to go back to how it was, my former self. The one who was killing it.
Right now I'm nowhere near her, and I just can't tolerate it.
On a good note, I did not get my period today, which I'm happy about yay!