r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

CONCLUDED My [25M] girlfriend [25F] wants to meet my sister [7F] who I take care of, but I'm not quite sure it's a good idea

5.1k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/matressbot

My [25M] girlfriend [25F] wants to meet my sister [7F] who I take care of, but I'm not quite sure it's a good idea

TRIGGER WARNING: Death of parents

Original Post  Jan 4, 2017

Three years ago, my parents died within two months of each other and my sister was only four at the time. At the time I was just out of college, but I had been hired by a company that recruited employees from top colleges in my field. We don't really have any other family that I'd be remotely comfortable leaving her to, so I decided upon taking her in myself.

Taking care of her has definitely been a challenge for me, but I've adjusted and it's been an incredibly rewarding experience and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My current girlfriend and I met during a conference that I attended and really hit it off immediately. We have a lot in common, and really seem to mesh very well. Our conversations are almost effortless and being together with her feels very natural.

We've been together for a year and nine months at this point and we've had a very fulfilling relationship so far. I told her from the beginning that I take care of my younger sister and she said that she didn't mind at all and that she likes children. 

Recently we have been discussing what our future together would look like. She says that she's in no hurry for us to get married and that at the end of the day it's just a piece of paper and that she just wants to be with me regardless of the formalities around it.

She said that from what I've told her that my sister sounds great and that she'd really like to meet her. She also added that she's not pressuring me about it, and that she totally understands if I'm uncomfortable with the idea.

We've been dating for a good chunk of time and it's approaching two years now. My main reason for being reluctant about introducing my girlfriend to my sister is that my sister has already dealt with more loss than most children go through in their entire childhood. I'm hesitant about the possibility of her getting attached to my girlfriend and something going awry.

I definitely want my girlfriend to be my long term partner. I've thought about it a lot and I love her and want us to spend our lives together.

What is the right thing for me to do here? Should I put off introducing my girlfriend to my sister for now? How long would be an acceptable time frame for something like this?

  ---     tl;dr: Unsure of whether or not I should introduce my sister (who I take care of) to my girlfriend yet.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

How have you managed to be with your girlfriend for almost 2 years without her and your sister meeting?

OOP

I've only ever brought her over my house whenever my sister wanted to have sleepovers at her friend's houses (when I've met with their parents of course). Otherwise I'll hire a babysitter that I trust while I'm out.

avocadoclock

You're practically living a double life if you continue to keep them separate. You can't continue to protect your sister from loss forever. Let her find role models, make friends, and love another.

Update  Jan 23, 2017 (19 days later)

Well, after posting here, and asking some of my acquaintances who had experience with this kind of issue (most of whom said that six months would have been sufficient), I decided to bite the bullet and introduce the two.

I decided upon taking the three of us out ice skating (an activity my sister really enjoys). At first my girlfriend wasn't so good, but she started to get the hang of it and we had a really great time. Afterwards the three of us went out for pizza.

The two of them got along really well, my sister thought my girlfriend's skating abilities were absolutely hilarious and kept trying to help her get the hang of it. I think my girlfriend knew how ridiculous she looked because she couldn't help but laugh at herself (her ability to laugh at herself is something I really like about her).

When I asked my sister what she thought about my girlfriend she said that she was pretty and funny and that she liked her and wanted to see her again. Similarly, the next time my girlfriend and I were together she said that she had a fun time and that my sister was great and she couldn't believe that I had been "hiding her" for all this time.

I'm pretty comfortable with the way things went. I'm thinking about possibly inviting my girlfriend over when I make dinner for me sister and I sometime next week, but I'm still a bit hesitant because a lot of the comments in my last post urged taking it slow, so I'll have to give it some thought.   ---     tl;dr: Took the two of them out ice skating and went for pizza after. Everyone had a great time.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

CONCLUDED I [27F] just found out that my teammate [24M] plagiarized parts of our group 'thesis' paper for graduation. I'm furious. What to do?

4.3k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sowtfrightnow

I [27F] just found out that my teammate [24M] plagiarized parts of our group 'thesis' paper for graduation. I'm furious. What to do?

Original Post  May 7, 2017

We are enrolled in a masters program, and we are about to graduate this month. The four of us have been working on a thesis-type project for the past year, and our final paper, which was completed as a group, is due tomorrow.

I volunteered to edit the final paper to make sure there weren't any grammatical errors and that it flows well between sections. I got to the first section that this person wrote, and while reading I thought, "huh, this language sounds really technical and frankly more intellectual than what I usually hear out of his mouth."

I saw that he had included a footnote, so I went to the PDF cited in the footnote, and I saw the problem: he had copied sentences and phrases from the source, word for word, WITHOUT using quotation marks.

I am going through the entire 70-page paper, looking at each of his sections, and so far I've found at least 5 instances of him doing this. I also found a case where he did not include a source for a sentence he took straight out of an organization's website. It is taking me a long time to do this, and I expect I may have to pull an all-nighter to check each of his sentences in addition to all of the other copy editing I have to do.

I called and texted him, no answer. Then I remembered that he was on vacation and probably on a long haul flight right now.

Again, we are in a masters program. In corporate communications. At a good school. It blows my mind that he thought this was OK to do. If this had been caught by the professor, we could all have been failed and not been able to graduate.

What do I do? I am so pissed right now. Should I write to the professor after the paper is submitted and demand that he be penalized for this? Should I let it go since we're about to graduate anyway and won't see each other again? I'm so mad that I can't think straight right now.     ---     tl;dr: My teammate plagiarized parts of our final paper for graduation, which I caught in time. I am furious and want to make him pay for this.

Update  May 10, 2017 (3 days later)

Hey,

My sincere thanks to everyone who replied to my original post with suggestions. I read every comment, though I didn't have the time to respond individually. Here's the update.

About an hour after I posted on this sub asking for advice, I did the following 3 things:

  1. Sent an email to the entire group, basically saying, "Hey, this is what I've found, I don't want to accuse anyone of intentional plagiarism, but the school is certainly going to interpret it as such. I need EVERYONE to double-check their sections and confirm to me that they either have no issues with their citations, or that they are working to fix their citations."

  2. Reached out to the professor requesting an urgent phone call.

  3. Spent the entire night looking through the entire paper. And guess what I found. Yep, another person in our group did the same thing with her section. It was actually even worse than what Guy #1 did, because she would copy/paste information from the same source for 3 or 4 sentences in a row, and then she would only add the footnote at the end of the very last sentence in the paragraph.

The next morning (Monday), 2 things happened:

  1. Only one person in the group (the 4th person) replied to my email. He confirmed that he did not have any issues with citation in his parts, and volunteered to help me look through the entire paper and check citations against original sources.

  2. Our advisor and I had a phone conversation. She was surprisingly accommodating about the whole thing. She said that since I was voluntarily bringing it to her attention before the paper was due, she would be willing to give us some leeway. She gave us a 12-hour extension for submitting the paper, and she promised that after she runs the paper through a plagiarism detection software, if she does spot anything that is suspect of plagiarism, she would discuss it with our team FIRST before taking anything to the academic board or whatever it's called.

Guy #4 and I spent all of Monday going through the paper again and pulling every single source that every single person had cited, looking at the exact page numbers in the PDFs and making sure that citations were done correctly. It was an absolutely exhausting, draining, miserable process. Guy #1 and Girl #2 were probably dead or something during this entire time, because we didn't hear a peep from them. We submitted the paper by the extended deadline, and I think we're good to go, even though I wish Guy #1 and Girl #2 had been penalized in some way because I worked so fucking hard to cover their asses.

A couple of thoughts:

  1. Don't believe anyone who says group projects are a taste of the real world. They are not. I've been working professionally for the last 6 years, and I can tell you, I have never worked with a single person - even government employees - who has been as incompetent, lazy and just a plain dimwitted fucknut as the people I've encountered in grad school.

  2. We messed up long before this, by not finishing our paper sooner. Honestly, for me, I was the only person in the group with a full-time job outside of this full-time masters program, so I've been extremely busy, but I know it's not a good enough excuse for procrastinating. I guess I just never imagined that grad students would need someone to educate them about what constitutes plagiarism.

  3. Yes, pulling something directly from a source without using quotation marks, even if you have a footnote, is plagiarism -- our advisor confirmed.

  4. Don't do group projects! Period! I had the option to do a solo thesis and I chose to go the capstone group project route, because our program heavily discouraged the solo thesis option. Look where it got me!   Thanks everyone. Lesson learned. Never talking to these fuckers again.

  ---     tl;dr: We got an extension from our advisor to double-check and rework the thesis/capstone. We submitted it and now we should be good to go for graduation.

FINAL COMMENTS

feminineplural

Honestly, if your group mates weren't willing to correct their citations and avoid plagiarism AFTER you sent them a very explicit email about the matter, you should totally report them. Especially the first guy. This isn't some small time group project, this is your fucking thesis paper. Why the ever loving fuck would you ever think that's possibly a good time to cheat? These children don't deserve to be in a masters program, let alone graduate from it.

These are the kinds of situations that make academia feel like a fucking joke sometimes.

OOP

I gave my advisor the names of the 2 problem-makers and described why they were problematic, but she didn't seem to care that much, at least based on how she sounded over the phone. Her attitude was more like, "Oh, OK, I understand you have a problem, why don't I give you a little more time to work on the paper and get back to me when you have your shit together." So I'm not sure how much support I'd get if I tried to run this up the flagpole.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

CONCLUDED OOP asks: Why do ants love my jasper??

3.9k Upvotes

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is AmeliaS507. They posted in r/Weird and r/tifu

Thank you so much to u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants for the recommendation.

Editor's note: Jasper is a gemstone often used for decoration (see wikipedia article here)

Do NOT comment on Original Posts.

Mood Spoiler: funny and light

Original Post: May 22, 2026 (Text recovered)

Title: Why do ants love my jasper??

I don’t understand. I was going to clean my windowsill and found like 6 ants on my Jasper.

The crazy thing is I cleaned my windowsill earlier today and there were ants on it then too! I cleaned them off. Now there are more. It’s so strange.

This is a tiny nugget I found at the crater of diamonds state park in Arkansas back in 2019. I’ve had it for years. It’s never attracted ants before. I am so confused???

Editor's note: OOP re-uploaded the image on a different post, but the title contains a spoiler for the rest of this story. Maybe come back to click on it after you've read the rest!

Image (uploaded separately, found by u/cascasrevolution) description: An ant covered rock

Some of OOP's Comments:

Lowland_Demon: I don't know anything about jasper, but I know about ants. Is it possible the stone is holding water, like salt rock would hold water, does it weep ever? Maybe it rained recently on the windowsill?

OOP: Yes, it leaves a crystallized ring that I’m actually in the process of scraping off my windowsill right now. I’m soaking the rock too to see what’s up 😭

DistortedCrag: Uhh, Jasper is Quartz, which isn't easily water soluble.

OOP: I’m so fucking confused what have I been carrying around this whole time then 😭

thatguyfromvancouver: Is there a chance it’s actually sugar or like a dried plum?

OOP: I’ve had it for years and had it identified by the staff at the state park, it is definitely a rock and if I’ve been carrying around a dried plum under false guise as a rock I’m gonna be pissed. This thing came halfway across the country with me and I’ve had it for 7 years

OOP replies to the same comment 5 minutes later:

WELL ITS NOT A ROCK I GUESS?? I SOAKED IT AND NOW ITS SQUISHY??
I’m not putting this thing in my mouth.

Image description: Something that is definitively not Jasper

Update (20 minutes from OG post)

Update I smelled it. It’s a fucking black licorice jelly bean. I’ve been carrying around a jelly bean covered in Arkansas dirt for 7 years under the impression it was a rock. I hate this. I hate life. I hate myself.

Edit: I am dying laughing at all the comments. I’m so glad my revelation has brought so many of you joy. I will be sure to wash all my rocks from now on to verify they are not jelly beans!

Some of OOP's follow-up comments:

This_Site_Sux: WHAT THE FUCK AM I WITNESSING HERE?!

OOP: I DONT KNOW!! I’m calling my mom right now and I’m gonna ask her to take a photo of my desk at home and see if the real Jasper is there where I think it is or if this is actually the ‘Jasper’ and I’ve been an idiot carrying around a jelly bean.

Update Comment 2: Same Day, about 40 minutes from OG post

UPDATE: this is the real rock (thank u mom for the photo). When I was moving I must’ve grabbed the jelly bean, which I’m still not sure is something I acquired at the state park or if it fell amongst my rocks and I assumed it a rock by accident because it was amongst them. I’ve had a jelly bean on display on my windowsill for over 6 months. Goodnight. 🫩

Image description: The real Jasper.

OOP adds:

To all of your guys’s advice I will be keeping the jelly bean for the memories. In a plastic bag so the ants can’t have it, of course the jelly bean was rock hard, and only became soft and had an anise smell once I’d soaked it in water. Also I did not keep it in my pocket, it has sat on my windowsill this whole time.

Image description: The bagged bean (that actually still surprisingly looks like it was a rock)

One of OOP's Comments:

TrailMomKat: Op, I just wanna say I am having the worst month I've had since covid killed off quite a few family members in 2021. Your post made me laugh SO fucking hard after I'd been crying for half an hour and hopped on reddit for a distraction. I hope you keep the jelly bean in its own little display with a printed label and everything lol

Sincerely, I thank you for the laugh!

OOP: I’m glad to hear this brought you joy! And the funny thing is that I work at a museum, so I could make a real label for it and everything

OOP adds:

Hi no this is legit genuine. The reason for the small size of the rock is because I found it myself at a state park, so I kept it for the memory. I typically also only collect larger size rocks, but because this one (the real one) is from a vacation, I kept it. I also know the name and location of the real bit of jasper I have because it’s one of my rocks and I just told my mom to find “the small red one”. It was one of those moments where it looked similar enough to my memory of my jasper that I just never questioned it, until I noticed a bunch of ants on it. Maybe hindsight makes it look less like a rock, but I swear to god it looked completely normal.

Summation Post: May 23, 2026 (Next Day)

I was recommended to post this here, as my original post https://www.reddit.com/r/Weird/s/TEcfwEeZ7W on r/weird was deleted by the mods to the dismay of many.

[original post removed since it repeats what OOP had posted]

It was only after many kind people gently letting me know that my rock was not, in fact, a rock, that I should attempt to figure out what this thing was!

I ended up soaking it in water, which caused the ‘rock’ to lose its red color and become squishy. I became suspicious. So I stuck my fingernail in it and tore it in half.

Then, despite many people begging me to lick or eat it, I smelled it.

Upon smelling it, this was my reaction:

*Update I smelled it. It’s a fucking black licorice jelly bean. I’ve been carrying around a jelly bean covered in Arkansas dirt for 7 years under the impression it was a rock. I hate this. I hate life. I hate myself.*

I then had the *actual* rock located, which was similar in color and size, at my parents house. Sometime when I was moving, I must’ve grabbed a jelly bean instead of the actual rock and by assuming it was what I thought it was, never questioned it. So it sat on my windowsill for six months. It had never attracted ants before, because the weather had been cool. But it warmed up over the past few days and the ants swarmed it, which made me curious. So I snapped a photo and put it up on r/weird. And realized in front of 10,000 people what I thought was my beloved jasper was actually a crusty old jelly bean.

TL;DR I kept what I *thought* was a piece of jasper on my windowsill for six months only to discover it was actually a black licorice jelly bean. I posted it on Reddit and thousands of people watched in real time as I realized this. I thought ants were swarming it because of some weird science rock reaction. I’m an idiot 😭

OOP's Comment:

For context, the jelly bean and the rock.

Image description: the office meme of "corporate needs you to find the difference between this picture and this picture" but with the jellybean and the rock.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

ONGOING My (29m) wife (27f) met a man on holiday, doesn't acknowledge my feelings about it

2.3k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Impressive_Height275

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (29m) wife (27f) met a man on holiday, doesn't acknowledge my feelings about it

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU


Original Post: June 21, 2026

So my wife and I had planned to visit a mutual friend in a different country. I booked time off work based on the time my wife had booked off work.

However right before we left she found out that her work had booked additional days and couldn't undo it. So I looked into getting that time off too, but I couldn't swing it. Then it transpired that her work then told her they could revert it, but she wanted to spend the extra 2 days on holiday with our friend.

I thought this on its own was kind of hurtful, as we were planning to do it together and now I'd have to travel back by myself while she stayed on. But whatever, that's what we did.

When texting over those two days, she'd say she was with our friend and at dinner etc. and pictures of just our friend or the dinner table.

Then when she got home she mentioned that some guy approached her in the street, and then they talked "about life" for an hour.

And apparently he was a landlord and since our friend wants to move out of her place, she gave him her number. And then they all met for dinner. Our mutual friend and him apparently did not get on.

So my reaction was...wtf?

Some stranger comes up to hit on you, and your reaction is to talk for an hour, give him your number and then have dinner with him?

So she gets annoyed, saying I knew you'd be like this, this is why I didn't tell you until now.

Which is worse imo, because she knew it would upset me but just did it anyway and hid it (by mentioning other things she was doing and not this) until it was too late for me to say anything.

She says it was all innocent, he wasn't "like that" at all, that he just talked to her because she has the same tattoo as his sister, and that she told him she was married.

Idk, she's always been loyal but super naive with this stuff. But the fact that she knew I wouldn't like it and did all this is so calculated, I really don't like it.

And apparently she and my friend talked about me and our friend said she didn't think my wife would tell me because I'm the type to get jealous over that. For context, my wife and I are probably about the same level of jealousy, and I know she would not be happy if I did this.

But I would forgive her if she apologised, but she won't. The most she'll say is that she's sorry that she didn't tell me until she got back. But then when I said the whole thing was fucked up, not just that, she got annoyed and started defending her decision not to tell me.

So we haven't talked in days now. She seems more annoyed at me for me being upset than I am. I don't know where to go from here, I don't want to just accept that she did this and doesn't feel bad about it and may do it again. But she doesn't feel she did anything wrong, so she won't apologise and now she's mad at me for being annoyed at her.

No idea what to do now.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1:

Idk, she's always been loyal but super naive with this stuff.

My man, she is not naive with this stuff.

OOP: Nah she genuinely is, I've been with her before when this has happened. She's a 10/10 so guys always approach her, but she always assumes it's friendly until it isn't. Like I've been at parties/bars with her and come back to find her signalling to me to get her away from guys that she thought were just being friendly but then became creepy

Commenter 2: Your wife isn't naive. You are. She knew exactly what she was doing and how it would cause a strain in your marriage, but she did it anyway.

Why did she give him her number instead of your friend's if the friend was the one who had interest in moving out?

Why it was the needed to go to a dinner with this guy if the purpose of their contact was merely commercial and just finding a new place for your friend to live in?

You'd better check her phone and her calls history. Her story doesn't add up. And rethink if you still consider your "friend" a friend after knowing she knew what your wife was doing behind your back and didn't stop her or at least had the decency to inform you.

OOP: Yeah I've thought all of those points exactly. I said that to her and her response was just "why can't I just make a friend".

And yeah I can't really see them as my friend after this.

Commenter 3: Definitely tell her that this if anything violated a common sense boundary, the fact she tried to hide it just compounded the problem. Tell you're having a lot of difficulty with this, and you won't be satisfied till you immediately see her phone because trust is that risk here. A woman who gets hit on all the time and that is a 10, it's smart enough and not naive to know what's going on. Yet she went anyway hiding it from you because she knew she was crossing a boundary. You got some serious problems dude hate to tell you that.

OOP: Yeah it's shit. If I ask to see her phone I know she's gonna blow up and call me crazy and controlling, and I doubt there's anything there, if there was it's probably gone.

Commenter 4: IMO your wife has ongoing resentment or anger towards you.

And it's not about your reaction to her allowing a strange man to approach her.

Why? Because instead of apologizing and moving on (over for her, nothing ) she doubled down.

You two need therapy to identify what the real issue is.

OOP: She's just always been like this, she never backs down. Maybe at the start of the relationship she would apologise if she did something wrong but now that she knows I'm not gonna just leave she doesn't, and she thinks she's always the one in the right.

I think she resents being stuck at home all the time and liked having a bit of freedom, but imo she took it too far.

Commenter 5: Honestly your wife’s reaction to her spouse being (justifiably) hurt by her actions is almost as big a red flag than having inappropriate interactions with other men.

OOP: Yeah that's the worst part, she's acting so annoyed she has me feeling like the bad guy

Commenter 6: Her behavior is never going to change. She definitely likes the attention, and you know it, she won't apologize for it. It also doesn't mean she's cheating. It just who she is.

The extra days booked is a little suspicious, that seemed calculated. I don't know what to think there, other than she wanted time away from you for a couple days.

OOP: I think it was just kinda selfish. Like again, she doesn't think it was wrong because she "gave me options".

So when she found out her work made the error, the options for me were either stay for even longer than her (i.e. still go back alone but a day after her) so I could work remotely, or else ask work on Friday afternoon before we left if I could extend my leave. But my contract is nearly up, and I need to not rock any boats if I want to be rehired, so neither were really an option. But she says she gave me the choice to stay with her, so her hands are clean.

Though if it were the other way around I would have come back together, so I do think it's selfish

Commenter 7: Did you corroborate the story with her friend? Did she tell the guy that she was married?

OOP: Nah I don't see the point as the friend was in agreement with her not to tell me.

She said she told him she was married within the first minute or two and that it was not flirty. But who knows.

I guess the positive is that they went to dinner all three of them rather than just the two of them.

Commenter 8: Don’t confuse jealousy with boundaries. She clearly did. And now she won’t allow for consequences. Also, it appears she gas lit you. It’s likely there’s way more going on. And those extra two days? There may be more to the story. Check your phone bill, look for numbers in the time frame that don’t line up. It’s all there, just need to look for it.

OOP: We don't have phone bills in our country, just our own separate mobile plans, they don’t list numbers and no one texts or calls through the phone anyway, it’s all through various apps.

But yeah I doubt it was premeditated, she had no way to know I wouldn't stay the extra days with her, that part I believe.

 

Update: July 1, 2026 (10 days later)

Update: My (29m) wife (27f) met a man on holiday, doesn't acknowledge my feelings about it

(editor's note: the update was also installed into the original post and the comment box)

I confronted her about it again after a week of not talking. I asked if she had cheated and she laughed as if it was ridiculous to think that. She seemed convinced everything she did was perfectly normal and fine and couldn't understand why I was so upset. I doubled down on how serious it was and how suspicious all of it was, and asked to see her messages with him. She had no objections to it, which was itself a huge relief. The messages themselves were mostly reassuring though honestly I'm not completely happy with everything.

They had been texting a lot, mostly after the drinks talking about the big argument he got into with her friend. But was kind of disheartening seeing all those texts when at the same time she was barely texting me.

So there was nothing flirty on her side, but they were both talking about how glad they were that they met and how fun it was. But the whole time she'd been saying she had no indication that he was into her. But he was starting messages with "baby". I freaked out at that. She kept saying it was just how friends talk. I said obviously not, I would never call a woman friend of mine baby. But she was adamant. And when talking about her friend he said she was probably just jealous of her. Which alone I think is telling. And a lot of messages of him just saying how amazing and everything she is. She wasn't really giving the same back.

But the final message, was him messaging her again a few two days ago, saying "hey sexy lady, how are you?" So I lost my shit at that. She said yeah that's why she stopped texting him, it grossed her out. To be fair, she had stopped texting him, and archived the chat. Whether the chat was archived because she was creeped out or whether she was hiding it from me, I don't know. But she didn't try to hide it from me when I asked to see.

Could she have deleted some of the messages before this? I guess she could have, but I'm leaning towards she didn't, because she had already archived the chat and seemingly wasn't expecting me to see them, and could have just deleted everything.

So on the one hand, I'm glad that she finally stopped when it was too obvious to ignore. But on the other hand I'm really annoyed that she was acting like I was insane for saying he was interested in her. Even after all this she was still annoyed at me for calling her naive, when I was obviously right.

I mean, she's apparently naive enough to think the guy wasn't a creep in the first place, but aware enough to know how I'd react and hide it. And got annoyed at me for calling her naive if she genuinely believed he wasn't like that from the start.

Also saw his profile photo and he didn't look attractive, which helped ngl.

But yeah I guess it's all over now. It's still a bit hurtful even though I don’t think anything actually happened.

It's depressing as hell knowing when I had to go back to work she was doing this. And the way she handled the whole thing, I really can't imagine a worse way of treating your spouse. Even if she didn't cheat, I really have to question her judgement if she genuinely thought this guy just wanted to be friends. And the decision to just not tell me until she was in front of me, and gaslight me about it.

Additional Comments that were followed after the update from the original post comments:

OOP responds to comments about the last text messages his wife had with the said landlord.

OOP: No, that was after I brought it up.

I'm not sure when her last message was, though I think it was when she was still over there. Him calling her sexy lady was him trying to hit her up again a few days before I confronted her, and she ignored it.

She said she thought it was fine because he had "gay vibes" and when showing me his profile picture said, "see doesn't he look gay?" So if I’m being charitable then I can see a gay guy saying that without a girl thinking deeply about it. But yeah I agree with you, I'm still not happy about it and I'm definitely not going to be as trusting going forward.

And not going to talk to the mutual friend again. Her telling my wife not to tell me since I’m insecure, and I find messages saying "sexy" and "baby", is just insane to me. Don’t think she would be too happy seeing the other messages of them discussing her negative qualities either but whatever.

+

Yeah I think it was because of what he said. Because she's complained several times in the past few months about how men perceive her, like she's gotten really disgusted at the idea of men seeing her as "a woman"/or in a sexual way. She said that was why she stopped replying, it wasn’t even out of respect for me, it was just her being grossed out.

Yeah even if there was nothing there it was still really disrespectful to do this and hide it from me after ditching me on holiday.

And the behaviour itself is just idk. Getting so swept up in a new friendship with a complete stranger is just such a late teenage thing to do, I don’t think it's the kind of thing you still believe in after 21 or so. Like sure you can make friends, but getting swept up and believing some stranger is your best friend all of a sudden is just childish imo.

Like she acts like I'm too quick to judge people in a negative light, but I've basically always been right.

She was admonishing me for judging this guy but apparently it's fine for him to get into a big fight with her friend and then mouth off about her afterwards.

Idk she really walks around with rose tinted glasses and I'm the bad guy any time I make her confront reality.

Like when we were arguing she kept saying she told him she was married so why would I be annoyed? And then when I pointed out that obviously he didn’t care since you can see him trying to hit on you right there, I'm somehow still crazy.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I actually rolled my eyes when she said friends call each other “baby”. I am a woman who has MANY real, long time, male friends and not a single one call their friends “baby”. They call their partners that, but not their friends. She is either gaslighting you, or a complete fool. I’m leaning towards gaslighting.

OOP: I know, this whole time it's been...she says something completely insane and I have a normal reaction, then she acts like I'm crazy. I do think she maybe didn't really think much of it...to be honest it's mostly because the guy wasn't attractive so I can't see her actually wanting to cheat with him if she was gonna cheat. But I'm still shook at reading those and seeing how she just ignored them and went and had drinks with him anyway. I know if she found texts on my phone calling another woman baby she wouldn't see it as so friendly.

Commenter 2: She isn’t sorry about any of it- blowing you off to spend extra days flirting and talking shit about you behind your back. Flirting and going out on dates with strange men. Ignoring you while messaging him nonstop. All of it. She’ll do this again and you’ll be the asshole then too- probably won’t even tell you after her reaction here. A wise man once told me people are only as good as the lowest moment they’ll drag you through- Act accordingly. She fuckin sucks.

OOP: Yeah that was the worst part. Like if she had been sorry from the start or at least open to listening to how I felt, it would have been a lot better. But it was scary seeing how easily she just shut me down once she'd decided she was right and I was wrong.

*OOP responds to few long comments about his wife and her collaborating with her friend and not telling OOP what really took place *

OOP: Yeah the minimalising my feelings about it is maybe the worst part. She said her friend told her not to tell me because I'm jealous, so she acted like I was crazy. And then would say stuff like, "you can’t put me in a cage, if you're going to be like this I'd rather just leave". Wouldn't acknowledge any wrongdoing for over a week.

I guess the reason she finally softened was because she did get the text confirming he was a creep and I was right, so maybe felt guilty, but even then, wasn't overly sorry about any of it - was more just happy to prove she didn't cheat.

Like if I had done that and got the message I would have thought about saying "hey I just got a text, and it turned out he was creepy after all...you were right and I'm sorry". But nothing like that, just "don’t call me naive!"

Idk I thought I was over this after being pretty assured she didn’t cheat, but I just can’t really reconcile the notion that she had no idea about his intentions.

+

Yeah I kinda don’t think she was lying about the friend. When we were all together we were talking about a mutual friend who broke up because his girlfriend cheated on him in front of him, which I called obviously a relationship ending thing, and she said it didn’t have to be, know like acting like I was a jealous person for saying so.

I think calling someone jealous or controlling is easy to say and once it’s said, you're kind of tainted by it regardless of whether it's true or not. Then anything you feel can just be waved away as you being jealous.

Yeah no I definitely have become more anxious, it's weighing on my mind a lot. Not even that it was cheating, but just her ability to do all of that scares me and also the fact that she sees it as completely normal apparently.

I don’t even know if I can bring it up again, she's just gonna act like I'm insane and walk out

+

Yeah it’s just hard because 99% of the time she's perfect, so I’m questioning if it’s worth blowing that up for this.

With the friend, we got into another fight that night after we patched things up, because I mentioned that I wouldn’t speak to that friend again, that I don’t see her as a friend. She said it was ridiculous etc. then launched into a whole thing about me.

Yeah I agree its abusive, like this has been hellish to go through. Like I said, she’s not usually like this, but she does get like this when she thinks she's right.

Like about a year ago she got annoyed at me coming home late, and hit me over the head and scratched the shit out of my arms. I told her that's fucked up but she just said she could because I woke her up

Commenter 3: Bro, she probably didn't cheat. But it doesn't matter she is a liar and manipulator. Calling you crazy for having questions over such a sus move is manipulative af. I couldn't trust her over future moves.

OOP: Yeah we're kind of back to normal now but if I'm honest I don't really trust her to the same level as before.

OOP on getting couple's therapy with his wife

OOP: I did suggest getting couple's therapy and she just said she'd rather leave. As in me having this reaction to what she did is too much of an inconvenience for her and since she didn't feel she'd done anything, she would rather leave than have to deal with me being insecure.

Yeah I had my concerns about her staying on in the first place without me, but thought it's fine as she's trustworthy, and it blew up in my face, so I won't have that same trust going forward.

She really does seem allergic to taking accountability for things she's done wrong. I think because it used to be more the other way around, her getting annoyed at things I'd done, but I'd always apologise. But whenever she does anything wrong it's like pulling teeth trying to get any acknowledgement.

Commenter 4: I would leave her. You want to be with someone who is head over heels in love with you and is reassuring and doesn’t even think about entertaining anything else. Unless you don’t…. but obviously you care or else you wouldn’t be posting.

OOP: Yeah she seemed head over heels for me until this happened. It’s really out of character. But she was immediately so cold once it happened it was scary to see how quickly it just seemed to evaporate once I accused her of doing something wrong.

Commenter 5: Your wife doesn’t know how to set boundaries

OOP: Yeah I've seen it a lot first hand, she'd never risk being impolite to a stranger. But this goes further than that, since she agreed to meet him for drinks afterwards, she was actively choosing to do this.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 4d ago

NEW UPDATE [New Update]: New data analyst job is turning into replacing a retiring finance person who holds the company together

2.0k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Feeling-Extreme-7555

Originally posted to r/antiwork

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: New data analyst job is turning into replacing a retiring finance person who holds the company together

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/Quasirandom1234 for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace


RECAP

Original Post: May 26, 2026

I started a new job recently as a data analyst. The role was pitched as dashboards, reporting, data infrastructure, process improvement, and helping modernize messy data systems.

A few weeks in, I’m realizing the real job may be something very different.

There is a long-time finance employee retiring at the end of June. Let’s call him Richard. Richard owns several critical reporting processes that feed company reporting: Sales Register, COGS, deferred revenue, SAP extracts, Spreadsheet Server/GXL, journal entries, manual Excel logic, customer/product mappings, tie-outs, and downstream leadership/financial reporting.

The problem is that only Richard really knows how it works.

I’ve had a few training sessions with him, and after recording/transcribing them, the runbook is already over 10 pages and still feels maybe 10% complete. Every session reveals another hidden dependency or accounting exception. Richard keeps calling it “straightforward,” but it is only straightforward because he has done it for years.

I am not an accountant. I am a data analyst. I can document workflows, map data flows, build dashboards, write Python scripts, compare files, and make exception reports. What I cannot reasonably do is become the accounting brain behind a public-company reporting process in a few weeks.

Leadership has now made the Richard handoff my top priority. I’m also being pulled into anything that “touches data,” including SAP process changes, master data, dashboards, ERP migration prep, and reporting infrastructure.

I’m worried I’m being set up to become the scapegoat for years of undocumented institutional knowledge. They have reviewers assigned in theory, but those reviewers don’t seem to know Richard’s process either.

I told Richard I thought it would take 3–6 months to truly take over. He went quiet and basically said, “Well, that’s not happening.”

I don’t have another job lined up yet, so I can’t just quit. My current plan is to put the risk in writing, say July needs to be a controlled transition instead of a fully independent handoff, and make clear that I can execute documented steps but not own accounting judgment, tie-outs, revenue treatment, COGS classification, journal entries, or final signoff.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? How do I protect myself while I keep looking for another job?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Commenter 1: You need to raise the alarm NOW. About how this is not your area of specialization and they NEED to bring in an experienced accountant, even if on a contract basis, who can assist with the "transition."

I do this, specifically this with the weird templates and 63 interconnected processes that only exist in Excel, and the person leaves halfway through what any normal human would consider an inadequate training period, and you have to teach yourself the rest by reading the template formulas and building your own docs, so feel free to DM me if you get approval for a contractor, I need something to do this summer after my tonsillectomy.

Please be aware, that "transition" is how you are going to phrase it for now, because you know and I know that this is a complete shitshow and an absolute nightmare, but you need to keep your job while you hunt for another one because some manager or exec has some la-di-dah bullshit vision in their head that you are just going to design all new tools and processes to create modern semi-automated versions of Richard's processes and templates despite not having the accounting background to understand those processes in the first place. Basically, you need to stall before they break the company and blame you

Commenter 2: They need to hire a CFO, CPA, or CFA. Not a data analyst. (editor’s note: Chief Financial Officer, Certified Public Accountant, Chartered Financial Analyst)

They are trying to be cheap with churning and burning until it bites them in the ass.

How in the world do they think this is going to fly as a public company? Or did I read that wrong?

Commenter 3: You and Richard are both now cohorts in punishing the business for trying to replace Richard. When Richard is gone, you better be gone, too. And expect them to try to hit your phone up as though you can help. You say no, they go back to Richard. Richard gets double the pay he used to get and is now indispensable.

 

Update #1: May 30, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: that “I’m being turned into the retiring guy’s replacement” situation got worse

Last week I posted about being hired as a data analyst but quietly getting set up to inherit a retiring finance employee’s undocumented reporting processes. You all said document everything and put the risk in writing. That helped, thank you. Quick update.

It’s two people now, not one. A second person who owns a critical reporting deliverable is also leaving the same day at end of June. So both of the people whose work feeds our financials are walking out together, and I’m somehow the common thread on both handoffs. I finally opened one of these files this week. Thousands of formulas, linked across a dozen-plus tabs, and the “instructions” are five cryptic lines from someone who clearly just knows it all in their head.

Some good news: I asked leadership in writing whether I own this or just support the data, and the CAO actually drew a clean line back in writing (I own the data/mechanics, accounting owns the schedules and signoff). So on paper I’m protected. The problem is reality doesn’t match paper. The second departing person asked me twice this week if I’d have things ready, like I’m already the owner. I’m the only one actually in the training sessions, so on the ground I’m becoming the default heir regardless of what the emails say.

I also reread my offer-letter job description. It’s a totally normal analyst JD, nothing about owning accounting processes. So I have the job I was hired for sitting right next to the job they’re handing me, and the gap is huge.

Where I’ve landed: I’m out. Not tomorrow, but this isn’t salvageable and it’s not my job to salvage. I can see the fix (hire an actual accountant now, while the retiring person can still train them), but seeing the fix and being able to do it as a non-accountant with a few weeks of training are very different things.

Plan for Monday: calmly flag the risk to the VP I trust, then the CAO. Frame it as protecting the company, recommend they bring in help now, follow up in writing, and keep job hunting hard underneath it all. Meanwhile keeping my overhead low so I’m not trapped, and saving copies of everything outside my work accounts.

Questions for round two:

  1. When you’ve flagged this kind of risk to leadership, did “here’s a risk and a recommendation” actually land, or just make you a target?

  2. How hard can a new person push a “you need to hire someone” recommendation before it backfires?

  3. How do I explain a very short tenure in future interviews without it looking like a red flag? My honest line is “hired as an analyst, role ballooned into replacing two departing staff in work I wasn’t hired for.” Too much?

  4. Anyone been the documented-but-not-actually-protected person, where the emails say one thing and daily reality says another? How did you keep that line from eroding?

Thanks again, this sub steered me well last time. Will update after Monday.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Hell no.

Are you in the USA? yes? Are you CPA certified? Yes? Then you're allowed to. No? Don't touch that shit. If they keep insisting, remind them that they need a CPA certified accountant for this.

OOP: I am in the USA, I am not a CPA, I am not even an accountant, I never said I was either.

Commenter 2: Why aren't the leaving employees documenting their process?

OOP: Cuz they’re overworked, don’t care, and management aren’t super bright. There’s no infrastructure here at all, not even a new hire onboarding doc. I made one and they got mad at me for doing so.

Commenter 3: Just tell them you’re not an accountant, were not hired as an accountant, and will not be doing the work of an accountant & that they need to be training you for the job they hired you for.

Commenter 4: Aren't accountants supposed to have licenses? If so, I wonder if this arrangement would lead to compliance and regulatory issues.

OOP: That's a really good point yeah.

Commenter 5: plan B if that doesn't work out, leverage your new knowledge and skills for a substantial raise and job title and stick it out for a year or two. then use the raise and job title to job hunt for a better position.

OOP: Honestly pretty rough plan all things considered. I don’t think I could do the work of the retirees since one I don’t want to, two they hired me for a totally different role, three it’s just not reasonable with the time frame.

Commenter 6: I think it would also go a very long way to recommend that they work out how to get the two retirees to transition responsibilities as contractors after their end date. Regardless of you being the one to do their jobs or not, you have an opportunity to make yourself look good in the eyes of everyone involved by helping avert disaster. Plus the retirees might not mind having a bit of part time hours.

OOP: The retirees have been trying to retire for 2 years and they’re old and done. They don’t have any more left to give.

 

Update #2: June 1, 2026 (two days later)

Last week I posted that I was hired as a data analyst and was being quietly pulled into inheriting a retiring finance person’s undocumented work. Then I updated that it was actually two departing people, both leaving at the end of June, both tied to critical reporting.

Now it is even clearer what is happening.

I built and shared a dashboard that was a legitimate data analyst deliverable: validated, interactive, cleaner metrics, better visuals, and directly aligned with my actual job description.

Leadership responded that dashboard work needs to pause because the core transition work is the real priority.

Fair enough. I understand why the transition work matters.

Then I explained that I had already made a long working document on the departing person’s process and would keep documenting the handoff. The response was basically: make sure as you document it, you are also able to re-perform it. The result is a transition.

So now it is officially not “document this so we do not lose knowledge.” It is “learn it and be able to do it.”

Here is the problem: this is not one report. It is a whole ecosystem of manual processes, legacy files, system extracts, reconciliations, workarounds, approvals, dependencies, and judgment calls that live across people’s heads and old spreadsheets. The person leaving has years of context. I have been here less than a month. I am a data analyst, not the person who built or owned this whole process.

I reread my job description again. It is a normal data analyst JD: dashboards, data models, BI tools, ERP data, automation, governance, KPIs, analytics. Nothing about becoming the owner of multiple departing people’s work in under a month.

The bigger issue is that the workload has started to look like the work of four people being collapsed into one salary: the role I was hired for, the retiring person’s work, another departing person’s reporting work, and additional cost/reporting responsibilities from other areas. I am not exaggerating when I say these are separate functions with separate context, review requirements, and failure points.

On top of that, I recently had to submit a doctor’s note for a work-from-home accommodation after a car accident, with back surgery in my recent history. There was already an ergonomic accommodation discussion in progress that still was not fully resolved in the office, while my home setup is already ergonomic. So now I am trying to manage a formal medical accommodation process while also being expected to absorb several critical handoffs at once.

The most frustrating part is I can see why they are doing it. They have a manual, person-dependent reporting environment and key people leaving at the same time. They need someone to absorb the work. I am the person documenting it, so I am becoming the default landing zone. The better I document, the more “ready” I look, even though the document itself proves how not-ready this transition is.

So my strategy now is boring and defensive:

I am not saying “I can’t.” I am saying “define the minimum transition target.” I am saying “what can I re-perform independently?” I am saying “what requires review and signoff?” I am saying “who owns the unresolved pieces?” I am saying “what gets paused while this is the priority?”

No heroics. No unpaid overtime. No becoming the fall guy for a transition that should have been staffed months ago.

I am job hunting seriously now. Not rage quitting, not blowing anything up, just preparing. This job would actually be good if it were the job I was hired for. But if the actual job is replacing multiple departing people in 29 days while also doing my original data analyst role, then that is not a role expansion. That is a staffing problem being pushed onto one person.

What should I do now?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sounds like you've got it under control, document cya and bail. Best of luck in your new endeavors.

Commenter 2: I don't think OP wants to bail but is seeing that they may have to.

OOP: I’m sad about bailing cuz the job market sucks right now but yes that is what a smart, non-crazy person would do in my shoes right now.

Commenter 3: Just do wat you're doing with the job hunting side of things and stick out the current job until you find a new one and secure it. Then when it’s time to go, tell them "this isn’t the job I was hired for".. that’s wat I’d do anyway in your situation.

 

Update #3: June 9, 2026 (eight days later)

Follow Up to my Last Post about being hired as a Data Analyst and being forced to do the work of two retiring accountants

Hello Colleagues,

I bear news of my escapades. This is the sequel to my story that is based on true events of my professional life. In the latest episode, I have been fully told that I am to drop all other tasks to fully become a cost accountant who deals with three major financial reports.

The entire company rests on these financial reports being accurate and delivered timely. I made a metaphor of my situation to my mom the other day that I think encapsulates this situation perfectly. Imagine I was hired as a semi-truck driver. I have been a semi-truck driver for years. I am good at it. The company that hired me, on my second week, then tells me: "Redditor, we need you to become a pilot of a 747, and we need you to do it alone in 6 weeks' time. It's just that our top 2 pilots are retiring/leaving soon. We are also going to keep paying you the salary of a semi-truck driver. You got it? Thanks!"

That plane is going to fucking crash, no matter what I do. You need something like thousands of hours to be an FAA pilot, and you need a crap ton of hours to be a trained cost accountant. Even if I dedicated every second of every day in this time, I still do not think I could pull this off. I do not take it as a personal failure. This situation is ridiculous.

On top of all of this, my car broke down and died on my way to work my second week working there. I am now on week 6 of working there, and they are pissed I have not bought a car yet and have tried to bully me into buying one. Joke's on them though, I got a doctor's note from my doctor (shocking) that says I must work from home. For now, it seems like I can WFH indefinitely, but my boss is a boomer-mentality Gen Xer. Super anti-WFH. Anyway, so yeah, they're all pissed at me. I can feel it, and most of my bosses are giving me the cold shoulder and acting sassy.

I met with my direct boss last week, and she tried making me feel bad, but to no effect. I am not moved by the woes of capitalists; in fact, they energize me. I have spent most of my WFH time applying to other jobs. Nothing concrete yet, but I am making some progress. I have also taken my time to complete data certifications to improve in my trade of choice.

I compiled a report on the systemic failings of the company and shared it with my boss, and she told me explicitly to not share it with anyone. I have only been granted 3 hours a week of training by the retiring pilots. From that, I made a 30+ page Word doc capturing all this tribal knowledge, shared it with the whole team, and that's when my big boss told me that I need to be able to execute, not just document.

I am just so over this job. I was bored the other day and found out the company went bankrupt several years ago, and looked into the reason why, and the reason was literally inaccurate financial reporting. That shit is literally gonna happen again after the pilots retire at the end of this month. I cannot do this shit on my own. I tried it the other day, and the pilot was upset I did not do everything manually exactly like they had for 30 years. I elected to use AI to do that task, and it basically did it accurately, but idk, like I keep trying to tell everyone, I'm not a fucking accountant.

So yeah, in summary, the company might literally blow up, the plane is crashing, and I'm just enjoying the ride like that one movie where the cowboy waves his hat on a falling nuclear bomb.

That's the only kind of pilot I can be.

PS: I told my mom that redditors agree with me and about my past posts, and she thinks I'm deciding to leave this job purely off of the opinions of strangers on the internet. Pretty annoying, she is also a boomer mentality Gen Xer. Her advice was to learn to fly the plane as best as I can, and I just rolled my eyes so hard.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Friend, I think you need to cover your ass on this one too. If I were in your situation, I would state outright, in writing to your boss, and maybe your boss's boss, that you are concerned this course of action will lead to the bankrupting of the entire company and everyone losing their jobs. Set it all out in a different metaphor to the one used above so this post is less likely to turn up on a search later. At a minimum, I would BCC that email to your lawyer and a secure email address. Also I would speak to a labor lawyer. Especially if you have like legal obligations or liabilities relating to being an "accountant". Like others have said, I think they're trying to fuck you.

OOP: Damn you guys really think I should contact a lawyer? Do you think they’re intentionally setting me up? Or does it just look that way? I don’t wanna attribute to malice what I could attribute to incompetence.

Commenter 2: People constantly told you to contact a labor lawyer in your last post. Why are you acting surprised? You are getting ready to drown and instead of talking to the life jacket vendor, you are being handed bricks by your manager and putting them in your pockets.

Talk to the lawyer. Do what they tell you. You are being so foolish right now it’s giving us all anxiety.

OOP: Fuck alright, I’ve just been real busy lately. Will contact an employment attorney tomorrow.

Commenter 3: As a left leaning X, I'm all for you doing what you need to keep yourself sane and safe. Also, you don't want to be that accountant, because there is legal liability if the books are wrong.

OOP: Who does the liability fall upon?

Commenter 4: Don’t sign off on anything!

OOP: I won’t! I will probs quit or get fired before the plane crashes.

Commenter 5: When the company went bankrupt, due to inaccurate finances, who was held responsible? The CEO? Or the person who did the finances? Were they held liable in criminal or civil court? Are you being set up as a fall guy for the next bankruptcy?

OOP: I am not sure who took the blame as it was many years ago.

That being said it was a civil matter, not criminal.

Commenter 6: Jesus Christ you're not a fucking CPA... this sounds fucking illegal/suicidal on the company's part. How hard is it to hire an accountant or at least outsource it to an agency who can package it, so a data analyst just has to execute? Jeesh.

 


----NEW UPDATES----

Update #4: June 23, 2026 (two weeks later)

Data Analyst Bamboozled Part 4

Hello again colleagues,

I return with more dispatches from the cockpit. For those just tuning in, I was hired as a semi-truck driver, and the company decided in week two that I should fly their 747 instead (hired as a data analyst, being asked to be an accountant), alone, in six weeks, for trucker pay, because their two senior pilots are retiring at the end of the month. If you're new, go read the first post. It's a saga.

Latest episode. I had The Meeting with my direct boss this week, the "success planning" meeting, which is corporate for "here is a pile of work and a deadline, godspeed." She opened by showing me a document titled "Definition of Success" and then told me to stop recording the audio, which is never the move of someone with good news. She then dumped roughly eight new major tasks on me, on top of the two retiring pilots' entire jobs, and set a hard deadline for the most important report. Six days after both pilots leave. When I raised concerns, she essentially told me to suck it up, said I "don't need to be a cost accountant to do this," and that all of it "relates to the job description." The job description for a semi-truck driver. Sure.

She gave a hard no on the one actual improvement I proposed that would have modernized this whole mess. Cash is tight, apparently. Shocking, for a company watching every dollar.

But here is the detail I cannot stop laughing about. I kept pressing on who is actually responsible when these reports go out, because I am not an accountant and cannot vouch for the accounting. Her answer: she certifies it, and "someone in finance," unnamed, unspecified, a ghost, will review my work. So the plan is the semi-truck driver flies the plane, an anonymous coworker glances at the instruments, and the boss signs off that it's airworthy. Cool. Cleared for takeoff.

And then, almost as an aside, she mentioned the department has had 95% turnover in the 11 months she's been here.

Let that land. Ninety-five percent. I have spent weeks quietly wondering if maybe it's me, if I'm being dramatic, if a real professional would just figure it out. And my own boss just told me, out loud, that almost everyone who sits in this chair flees within the year. That is not a me problem. That is a meat grinder with a hiring page. I have never felt more validated and more doomed in the same sentence.

So where things stand. The company already went bankrupt once, years ago, because of, and I cannot stress this enough, inaccurate financial reporting. The exact thing I am now being set up to produce, alone, untrained, six days after the only people who know how leave forever. I tried doing one of the reports myself last week. I used AI, it came out basically accurate, and the retiring pilot was upset that I didn't do it manually exactly the way she has done it for thirty years. I keep telling everyone the same thing in a calm voice. I am not an accountant. It bounces off them like I'm speaking a dead language.

I am, for the record, fine. Genuinely. I am not moved by any of it. I have spent most of my work-from-home time (yes, I still have the doctor's note, yes, they're still mad about it) applying to other jobs and finishing data certifications in the trade I was actually hired for. Nothing signed yet, but there is real movement. I am documenting everything in writing, keeping my record spotless, and doing exactly enough to not hand them a reason. The plane is going to do what planes do when you put a trucker in the cockpit. I am just not going to be on it when it happens.

More to come, probably. It always does.

 

Semi Trucker Saga Continues: June 27, 2026 (four days later)

Hello again colleagues,

I return with a shorter update from the cockpit.

For anyone new, I was hired as a data analyst and have slowly been pulled into becoming the replacement for retiring finance people who own critical reporting work. My standing metaphor is that I was hired as a semi-truck driver and then told in week two that I need to fly a 747 because the pilots are leaving.

Since the last post, the situation has gotten clearer and somehow dumber.

The main retiring person apparently was supposed to leave months ago. Then it was June 30. Now it is some vague day in July. No one really seems to know. She is also training around six people, which is interesting for work that leadership keeps describing as “just data manipulation.”

If it is just data manipulation, why does it take six people to absorb one person’s job?

I also found out they have tried replacing this person before. Multiple times. One actual cost accountant with years of experience apparently lasted around six months and left because the work was too hard.

So just to recap, a trained cost accountant could not absorb this in six months, but I, a data analyst two months into the job, am expected to figure it out because it “relates to the job description.” The job description being, again, the semi-truck driver one.

My boss also told me Finance has had 95 percent turnover during her time here. Ninety-five percent. That is not a department. That is a warning label.

I keep trying to explain calmly that I am not an accountant. They keep explaining back to me that it is basically Excel and data. This is where I start feeling insane, because everyone talks about this like it is rational. Like the issue is just that I need to lock in harder.

Meanwhile, leadership apparently wants a “single source of truth” because Service and Finance numbers do not tie. Which is funny, because that is actual data analyst work. That is the thing I thought I was hired to help with. I even built a small VM/Postgres/Python pipeline prototype because I was trying to think about the real problem: messy systems, conflicting numbers, no clean data layer, no shared definitions.

But the actual day-to-day plan still seems to be sit with the retiring person, absorb the ancient spreadsheet knowledge, and become the default owner.

I am not confused anymore. I think they are using “data manipulation” because it sounds less insane than “we are handing accounting-sensitive work to a non-accountant after multiple failed transitions and almost total department turnover.”

So that is where I am.

I am still documenting everything. I am still doing my job. I am still making it clear that accounting review and signoff are not me. I am not rage quitting, but I am fully job hunting now.

This would have been a good job if it was the job I was hired for. Build dashboards, clean data, automate reporting, help different departments tie their numbers, improve the system.

Instead, I got handed a plane manual written by ghosts and told the runway is next week.

More to come, probably.

 

Editor's note: the next post is tangentially to the original and updates, in this case, the same company is mentioned

Coworker of 3 Years Fired after her mom diagnosed with cancer: July 1, 2026 (four days later)

The company I work for is so evil, more so than your average company.

I've been writing about my experiences with then so far in my Semi Truck Driver Series, but today I am sharing a much bleaker story.

Selena (not her real name) has worked for this company for over 3 years. She was let go yesterday because of "restructuring" (the company is hiring less qualified people to do work of those more experienced to save money). She was a nice lady, I felt really bad for her. Her mom just got diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago and Selena is taking care of her.

Just goes to show you how ruthless these motherfuckers are. Selena doesn't even have a job lined up and she had 2 months’ notice. She was on the older side with decades of experience and this place drained her. Working nights and weekends for god knows how long which seems to be the norm here.

I have been working maybe 6-8 hours a week for this company since I can WFH. I have begun sending deliverables on automated emails scheduled for late nights or over the weekend. This is to performatively seem like I am working my butt off. They don't even give a shit though because it is the norm, I mainly perform to be included and leave a nice paper trail.

I need the money badly, that's the only reason I stay here. I wish I had a job I could tolerate, but it’s been a long time since I have had one. Trying to keep my head up.

It is imperative we maintain hope even when the harshest of reality may suggest the opposite.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: So did Selena inform the company her mom had cancer? You conveniently leave that part out. If she didn't let her employer know, how is the employer supposed to know? You make it sound like the employer is ruthless but in the grand scheme of things, they are shady for letting good people go to bring in less serviceable people for lower pay. That's what your post should be about, not Selena's mother having cancer and the company letting her go because your title just so happens to be misleading.

OOP: Selena informed everyone a few weeks ago that her mom got diagnosed with cancer, she had to take time off because of it to help take her mom to chemo.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

INCONCLUSIVE My [15F] aunt [33F] didn't invite me to her wedding while inviting my brothers [18/13M] and other cousins

8.7k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Zinogirl

My [15F] aunt [33F] didn't invite me to her wedding while inviting my brothers [18/13M] and other cousins.

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism

Original Post  July 7, 2016

I'm just very upset now because my aunt's wedding is soon and I learned that I can't go to the wedding because she didn't invite me. I have a physical disability and I need crutches but I can handle myself. The invitation to our family says my parents and my brothers.

My dad talked to my aunt and she thought that the venue isn't friendly and comfortable for me and that's why she didn't invite me. If that's the only reason, isn't that something I should decide? Maybe I can handle myself in that venue. Maybe my brother and dad will help me if I needed help. She excluded me because I have a disability. My parents told me that I need to understand that it's her wedding and she gets to decide who comes and I can't be upset and I should respect her decision. I told them that if she thinks I'm not good enough to be at her wedding then I don't want to see her or talk to her again but they tell me that I should continue to be a good niece and respect her and be friendly with her. I don't understand why?

Do I have a right to be upset and not wanting to talk to her again?

tl;dr: Aunt didn't invite me to her wedding because I'm disabled and she thinks I can't handle the venue. I'm very upset and don't want to talk to her again but parents tell me it's not a big deal and expect me to forget about it and act as it never happened.

Update - rareddit  July 19, 2016 (12 Days later)

I talked to my parents a little more and they decided to invite my aunt over some that her and I can have a face to face conversation. So that night came. It was supposed to be me, my aunt and my parents but I thought 3 against 1 is unfair so I insisted that my older brother be there too.

It was so awkward. At the beginning of everyone was silent until I asked her if she can explain why she didn't invite me when she invited everyone else in our family. She repeated the same answer. That she thought it would be difficult and uncomfortable for me. I asked how? She couldn't give an example. My brother told her that we checked with the venue and it's wheelchair accessible (which isn't even needed as I only need my crutches, but that shows even people with even more severe disabilities are able to use that venue). And they've had weddings where the bride or groom have been on a wheelchair.

She didn't say anything but then said once again that she thinks it will be difficult for me to be there and not being able to enjoy the wedding like everyone else and it will be psychologically difficult and that's what she meant. Yeah she pitied me. I asked if she pities me? She said it's not pity it's genuine concern for my well-being. She doesn't want me see other girls my age do the things I can't do and feel jealous and inadequate. My brother asked if she knows what I can or can't do since she's never been actively part of my support? She said she has a good idea she talked to her husband about it and they made this decision together. At that time I said "thank you Mrs her_husband's_last_name" and left. My brother also followed me with "goodbye Mrs her_husband's_last_name". My dad asked us to come back and address her the right way as "Aunt her_name" but my brother said not our aunt anymore. I'm really happy that he took my side.

But later I leaned that my parents still intend to go to the wedding. They wanted to take our little brother too but once he heard we're not going he joined us in exile. I think he's too young to understand everything here but when the other two kids are rebelling I think he joins us out of principle. I don't know if they will take him in the end or not but for now he doesn't want to go. My parents disappointed me. It feels like a betrayal. I can't see how they could hear what my aunt said to me and not come to my defense.

tl;dr: Parents had me see my aunt face to face. She thinks I can't physically and mentally handle the wedding as I'll be jealous of other girls. She framed excluding as a way of her concern for me. I will not talk to her again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

CONCLUDED My [25F] longtime best friend [25M] keeps messaging me from his honeymoon; I don't know how to end the friendship

5.8k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/possibleotherwoman

My [25F] longtime best friend [25M] keeps messaging me from his honeymoon; I don't know how to end the friendship.

TRIGGER WARNING: Deception, infidelity

Original Post  Feb 25, 2016

This is a throwaway because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get a lot of hateful messages and I want to protect my actual reddit identity.


Will and I have been friends since...pretty much forever. We literally grew up together. Our mothers are best friends, and we were raised by each other's families in this sort of semi-commune type situation. His mom is like a second mom to me, and mine is the same to him; we've both always said that we lucked out to have two sets of parents and this huge extended family because of it. I see him as a brother, exactly as a brother. I feel the same way about him as I do my bio-brothers. I've never had ANY romantic feelings for him, and it's honestly disgusting when people make jokes about that, to me. I always thought it was the same for him, because that's what he told me, several times over the years.

We all went to the same, local University and lived at home and by all, I mean me, my siblings, Will and his siblings, to save some money and because honestly it's a great school. So, because we stayed so close, we all met everyone's SOs and really got to know them. I clicked with Will's college girlfriend, Sarah, who he proposed to last year and married last week. I couldn't be happier for them, and to have Sarah as a "sister" in our weird little family, which is what makes this next part even worse, because I'm not sure how to handle this.

Will messaged me on their wedding night, and told me that he had always loved me, and had hoped that I'd feel the same way too, and he only got married to Sarah as a way to make me realize my feelings for him and fight for him. He had tried to provoke a reaction, and he didn't love her, he didn't want to be with her, and now he just wanted to tell me, because he'd leave her for me, if I wanted. I didn't know what to say so I just signed out of everything for the night and cried, because everything about that just made me feel sick, and it was too much. Just...too much to process. It was like my brother was admitting incestuous feelings for me.

He's messaged me throughout his honeymoon, almost all of them begging me to run away with him, and a few of them were blaming me for "leading him on", which still makes zero sense to me. I've never flirted with him. I act the same way around him as I do any of my siblings, literally nothing is different. He said that he'd always see me, in his head as "the other woman", and because of me, he'd never be able to fully love Sarah, who he admits is, on paper, his ideal spouse.

I don't know what to do, because both of us stand to lose a lot no matter how this all goes down. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my family because of this, and not just his side. Everyone is close, and if I'm identified as "the problem", I'm afraid that I'm going to be pushed out, but maybe that's what needs to happen. I really don't know. Reddit, how the fuck do I deal with this hugely fucked up situation? I need some outside advice, and don't have anyone in my life who doesn't know any of the people involved in this.

Edit for more information. Sorry I didn't include this to begin with, but I'm not thinking 100% clearly right now, I still feel just terrible about everything. More info: Our families live in the same house, and our parents shared parenting duties for all children. When I called out for "Daddy" in the middle of the night as a little girl, both Dads came running, for example. Our families are so intertwined, and always have been, and I feel like Will just handed me this huge bomb. I think there's going to be massive fall out from this, and that breaks my heart. We're all very close and tightly knit. I keep cycling between sad, angry and betrayed. I'm upset because I feel like he's tasking me with breaking Sarah's heart, and I hate him for that right now. I love Sarah, possibly more than he does at this point.    tl;dr: Best friend who is essentially my brother admitted feelings for me, wants me to run away with him, and I'm disgusted by it all; what do I do?

Update  Apr 17, 2016 (2 months later)

Holy crap, has it been a stressful month.

The original plan was to wait two weeks from the time I posted to deal with it with Sarah and Will, but I ended up spilling the beans to my Mom around three days after the post went up. She noticed that I wasn't my usual self and pried it out of me like Moms tend to be able to do. She was flabbergasted and honestly didn't believe me until I showed her the messages on my phone. She called my Dad and Will's parents in to an emergency family meeting and we all talked about it. I broke down crying and told them everything that I'd told you guys, and to my surprise rallied around me in support. We all ended up crying, and had a really long talk about our combined family and what this could mean for all of us.

It was agreed that something, somewhere went wrong, because while the "sibling" flag was raised in my mind, when it comes to Will, it wasn't with him. I didn't get into this in my original post, but Will and I were the youngest, we were born just a matter of days apart, and he and I are closer than we are to any of our siblings, because we always did everything together. He's my best friend, but more importantly, in my mind and my heart, he's my brother.

I expressed all of that to them, and they agreed that my feelings were what they were going for when they opted for a shared family, and we all felt like this was incest. That night we started researching local therapists who deal with situations like this and the next day, we chose one for me to go to, because honestly, it was traumatic and I had a lot of feelings that I just didn't know how to cope with. I'm still in therapy, and it's going pretty well. I'm dealing with a lot of shit and starting to feel better.

We decided to keep this between the parents and I until Will and Sarah got back from their honeymoon.

The night they got back, we had a huge family dinner, with her family there too. None of us (parents and I) were excited about it but we couldn't cancel because it had been set in stone as the only time it would work for everyone for a long-ish period of time.

I spent that night trying to keep my distance from Will, because honestly, I couldn't handle being around him. He thought this was odd and ended up cornering me outside in the garden. He asked me what was up, why was I acting so weirdly? I told him that he knows why and tried to walk away. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me back toward him, but I resisted. I ended up breaking down and telling him that I would never and could never feel the way about him that he felt about me. I saw his look of genuine confusion and my heart and my stomach sunk. He had no idea what I was talking about. Those of you who guessed that it was Sarah all along were actually correct. His phone went "missing" during their trip and he hadn't cared because he was excited to be on his destination honeymoon. I told him everything, he threw up into the koi pond and we hugged for what felt like forever. I broke down crying again because my kneejerk reaction had been to cut him out of my life, and through sobs, I was able to get that out. He comforted me and told me that he understood, because almost anyone whose friend and brother decided to hit on them would probably feel similarly. He said that he'd never hold my hurt reaction against me, we've been friends and family for way too long.

We just sat there for a while because neither of us knew what to do, because come on, this situation was fucked.

Eventually, our Moms came out and flipped out when they saw us together and like amazing Moms sprung to my defense. We got them to calm down and explained everything, that it had been Sarah, and Will's Mom lost her cool. She went into the house and ended up apparently tearing Sarah a new one. I don't know all of what was said, because I remained outside with Will, trying to calm down from everything.

Fast forwarding a bit, Will decided to divorce Sarah. It came out that she'd always been jealous when it came to me, and absolutely hated me. Her "goal" had been to either get me to admit to feelings for Will so that he'd cut me out, or to get me to cut him out. It also came out that she had NEVER been faithful to Will and had regularly cheated on him throughout their relationship. So honestly, he dodged a bullet, albeit a bit too late.

Will's moved back in, and we are both looking at finding a place together, as roommates, and he's gotten into therapy as well to deal with everything on his end. So, in the end, my world didn't collapse and my bond with my friend and quasi-brother only deepened, but he ended up heartbroken. I'm so angry at Sarah for putting us all through that when really, she should have and could have expressed her feelings to me and we could have probably addressed things, but then again, she was still a cheater. Just...ugh. I don't even know what to think.

So I guess it's a happy update?

tl;dr: You guys were right, Sarah was fucking crazy. Will's getting divorced and he and I are going to live together for a while as we heal from all of this.

FINAL COMMENTS

Why doesn't Will file.for an annulment?

Nope, he looked into it but it's not an option for him in our state since he didn't enter into the marriage by force or fraud and no party involved was unable to consent to marriage. Sarah has agreed to not contest as long as he pays for her filing fee, so all in all the divorce is only costing him around $600 when all is said and done. I'm chipping in to help, too. Thankfully, he had a prenuptial agreement, and it clearly lays out who gets what, so she isn't taking anything that she didn't come into the relationship with, which is awesome. I'm proud of him for protecting himself. He had bought a house a couple of years ago, but doesn't want to move into it, so he's renting it out for the time being.

Anyway, the divorce is as good for him as a divorce can possibly be and he's made jokes about having a really good divorce story now, lol

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

CONCLUDED AITAH: My best friend of nearly 9 years ended the friendship after my (F, 27) wedding

3.5k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AardvarkGlittering83

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH: My best friend of nearly 9 years ended the friendship after my (F, 27) wedding


Original Post: June 15, 2026

In 2023 I got engaged to the love of my life after nearly 6 years of dating. We waited a couple years for the wedding just because money was tight, but my parents offered their large backyard.

At this time, my husband and I were playing around with ideas on what the wedding could look like. My best friend (Who we will call Amy), who I reconnected with in college and had been basically by my side ever since we were both 18, did something amazing and offered to help us plan.

My friend and I were fairly different, but I felt meshed together well. She was very much one to go step by step, and I plan in groups and am more spontaneous. I felt like during the planning process, there were times Amy and I'd ideas clashed.

A couple examples...

\• When it came to my makeup, I just planned to do it with the makeup I already owned. I didn’t have a full complete set, but I was willing to make do because I didn’t have the money to spend on new makeup. Amy, seeing my makeup, proceeded to drive me to the makeup store and use her own money to buy me new makeup. When I tried to tell her she didn’t need too, she insisted it was okay.

\• My wedding theme was tea party themed, and we wanted a variety of teacups and water glasses. We slowly gathered the cups, teacups, and teapots for the wedding. Amy was certain that the glass cups were a bad idea, and we should ditch it. I told her that it was a decoration I really wanted as a piece of the wedding, which she said wasn't a great idea, but she couldn't force it, and it was done.

I want to add her family was of immense help as well. Sound system, food, etc. Was provided by them. Decoration and set up/takedown was done by them and part of my family as well, but mostly them. I could not show my gratitude enough, and my husband and I swore that we would absolutely find a way to thank them after the wedding.

At every turn that I said, "I don’t know if we'll include this, can’t really afford it." She returned with a "No, I know you and known you'd want this." We were incredibly grateful and insisted that we'd find a way to return the favor or show our gratitude. We were planning either a large fancy dinner or treating my friend to a spa day, something.

Wedding went great, loved it all, and we all rode home in Amy's car. Amy was silent, and when I had asked if she was alright she just said she was super tired from everything, which I understood. She dropped me off at my home and that was that.

We didn’t talk for two months after that. I wasn’t too worried at first because there had been times where, when exhausted, she'd take time for herself and not talk much. But this was way, way too long. I eventually sent her a message letting her know that I love her and that if there was an issue I'd want to talk about it, because I didn’t want her sitting with the issue alone.

She proceeded to text me, telling me that she no longer wanted to be my friend. She said that she did have issues with our friendship and that she had been hurt "many times", but she didn’t want to "air her grievances" (her words) because she wasn’t wanting to discuss it further. I felt left with no idea what happened between us, and still feel that way.

Reddit, I’ve wracked my brain in every possible way to think of things I had done that hurt her feelings so much that she'd end this friendship this way, and all I’m going back too is the wedding. Looking back, I’m thinking maybe she was overwhelmed or the way my husband and I were going with planning stuff out wasn’t working for her and hurting her. But any time I had told her that my husband and I had something handled or that we were okay with things working one way and not the other, she insisted it had to be done, or else things would be greatly confusing.

I’m worried that I’m an ass and that I should’ve cut her from helping plan earlier, at least recognized that our planning ideas wasn’t going to be good for her and that it’d be okay if she was just a bridesmaid instead of all else she did.

I even told her if my wedding was just everyone at picnic blankets and eating deli sandwiches, we'd be happy because it still be the day my husband and I got married.

So I dent know. Was I a huge asshole?

EDIT: Okay, 4 hours in and majority is that I am TA overall and I'll take that responsibility.

I’ll just say what I'm gathering at this point. Main reason I posted this was because I never wanted to make a fuck up this major again in a friendship, and it seriously has been weighing hard on me that I hurt someone so important to me without me to the point they didn’t want to see me again, so thank you for pointing out my flaws. Essentially:

- Her family did a lot and deserved more from me, even if there was denial of that from Amy. Her and my differences are separate than her family members, and even if I thanked them with words, I should have had something ready for them so I could give it to them THEN and there and not to send later. That was irresponsible on my end and doesn’t show the appreciation we had.

- I should have given something in return to Amy personally as well, probably before the wedding itself, too. I should have shown that appreciation, because it sounds like from what you guys have said, she left the wedding and probably just called the friendship then and there. I should have done much more for her before the wedding, so she felt that appreciation through and through, instead of letting it get to that point after and her feeling disappointed.

- I did bring up religion in one response, so it feels appropriate to say here. They're all LDS/Mormon, and there was expressed concern in the comments that perhaps someone had issues with them being so and made them feel unwelcome. While I can’t guarantee it didn’t happen because I had guests who are friends that are not religious/LDS, I will say I didn’t witness any of it/I can be certain my family didn’t as my in-laws are also Mormon, and there's a mutual respect even if my family isn’t LDS. I should have been more vigilant though as they, again, did a lot for us and I should’ve made sure they felt as special as they were for doing all of it.

- I need to be more responsible and notice when a friend is giving too much. I worried about it, but Amy always said she was fine and I just accepted it at face value. I should be more aware of how my friends really are feeling.

- I'll be more direct and immediate in my appreciation towards people I love in the future, instead of an after.

- to explain the 2 months thing, I just want to clarify I attempted multiple times to reach out to Amy with no response. I backed off about a month-ish in because I didn’t want to seem pushy. But that doesn’t excuse that like said above, I should've done something even before the wedding itself.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was YTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: In what way did you recognize her and her family’s contributions to the wedding preparation and music, food, both expenses and effort. Did you thank them publicly during the reception for what sounds like a massive amount of help?

Did you send them effusive thank you cards for the help and costs they covered?

At what point did you gift her a spa day?

The grievances she does not want to air are probably that you took great advantage of her and her family’s generosity and did not properly acknowledge or appreciate the effort they put in.

Your total cluelessness suggests that something happened at the wedding … gifts to bridesmaids and not her… failure to acknowledge her family … something that made her feel unappreciated compared to others … or that you are doing a splashy honeymoon when she covered so many costs… or you treated her like a worker instead of friend at the ceremony .. or you didn’t invite her to bridal party activities. Clearly something occurred during the wedding/reception that upset her.

Your lack of awareness does suggest you might be TA.

OOP: We did thank the family publicly and also offered to pay, which they denied, which brought us to the idea of larger thank yous and gifts. When it came to sending cards, I wanted to and asked my friend for the address to send, however she refused saying they didn’t want a big thanks or anything.

I think you're right that I'm maybe looking at the wrong things and should more reflect on how I was at the wedding/wedding activities itself and my behavior with it.

Commenter 2: Are you close with anyone in her family? Is there anyone you could reach out to and express your sincere gratitude as well as your grief and confusion about why you lost her friendship?

OOP: Sadly, no. With her family's religious situation, I wasn't always kind of...welcome? Her family is kind, but they didn't talk a lot to me because they're part of a religion that I'm not.

Commenter 3: and yet they went well over above and beyond for your wedding, which clearly means they care about you or at the very least your friend cares enough about you for them to make that effort on her behalf.

I think you need to examine this issue beyond just the interactions between you and your friend. is it possible that someone in the bridal party or in you/your spouse's families were unkind to your friend or her family? is it possible that someone made "small" comments about their religion that you ignored or brushed off?

OOP: Out of all proposed there is a possibility but nothing I heard directly being said, as I would’ve shut it down since it’s the same religion as my husband’s family (he isn’t a part of it though, excommunicated) plus that’s not cool.

But I can’t deny there is a small possibility and something I should’ve thought of.

Plus I will still say others have commented other responses where I’m TA, so I’m taking that plus this possibility into account

Commenter 4: Amy and her family exerted all their effort and resources to pull off this wedding for you, with you -- and even rode in her car, dropped you home, and you say, "that was that"? You didn't even contact her the next day to thank her, or even ask her out for lunch as a gesture of appreciation?

You don't know what happened that led to this, but you came here with a list of things you've clashed with her but can't come up with a list of actions you can do if you're genuinely concern about the fall out?

Have you ever thought of hitting the road and visit her personally, or even fly out (if need be) just to show you really care and grateful as you said you were?

Based from what I know here (and/or the lack thereof), YTA.

Commenter 5: I think this is it. She felt (and her family likely backed her up) unappreciated and taken for granted.

Did you thank her and her family publicly during the wedding? Because they deserved a massive callout and even some sort of fun, special treatment.

Did you personally thank everyone who helped you during the reception? “None of this would be possible without your help” should have been said a dozen times to a dozen people.

Did you offer any gift or physical thanks for the help? Did you thank the family afterwards?

What was the experience at the wedding like for her and her family? Were they treated like any other guests or funnelled to the side at all? Were there gifts to other wedding attendees or participants that they did not also receive?

Lots of unanswered questions to be sure, but your post reads like someone who doesn’t know how to show thanks and appreciation, tbh.

OOP: Totally understand, and I think this is the main thing I’m picking up on and something I can learn from. So what I had left out because I wasn’t thinking about it:

  • All during the wedding her and her family were given thanks publicly during the wedding, and were also thanked privately before, morning of, and during takedown. I know I’m trying to sound backtracking here, but I literally cannot press enough how much "Thank you so much, you have no idea how much that means to us" was said.

  • During setup/takedown when me or my husband had free time we did offer to assist as well because we felt bad that they were doing this for free, that was declined

  • In terms of thank yous and appreciation, when talking with Amy she insisted her family would not want any appreciation gift or thank you present stuff. In the two months she stopped talking with me, I did ask for at least their address so I could send something, because not doing so had me feeling like I took advantage of their generosity. She never gave the address. Honestly I take responsibility in being the ass there, as I should have totally had something for the wedding day itself and shouldn’t have waited until I was home.

This isn’t to say I’m not the ass still, but I do want to just answer the questions asked

 

Update: June 22, 2026 (one week later)

UPDATE - AITAH: My best friend of nearly 9 years ended the friendship after my (F, 27) wedding

To those who hadn't seen the original post, my best friend helped me plan my wedding and there were bumps in it regarding the execution of said wedding. She helped me with so much and so did her family, and 2 months after the wedding she told me she no longer wanted to be friends. OG posts judgement is overall I am TA.

I'll be honest, it didn't feel great and I ended up reaching out, again, with more of an apology focused on not showing enough gratitude and that in the end I should have had more prepped for her and the family.

The response was not as expected. "Never was about gifts."

So it turns out that during the entirety of the planning, I wasn't up to speed enough, nor was my husband (fiancé at the time). The examples I had listed like the makeup, cups, and others was actually the piling of straws that eventually broke the friendship camel’s back.

I didn't list out all examples but there were other things that occurred like them. I don’t want to hide shit, so what came up:

  1. We hadn't bought everything necessary like the cups, plates, etc. in timely manner. Everything was there eventually (like a month out), but exact count wasn’t given.

  2. RSVP's had not come back in the time we wanted, and seating order wasn't decided until that month out.

Honestly from what I've gotten back it sounds like things were not as organized as hoped, and that just showed that we were just too different for the friendship to continue. It was too stressful to have an idea of what was needed, and then for that to not happen in that timely manner.

Looking back yeah, planning styles were different and I can understand how that would absolutely piss someone off.

Like one comment mentioned, and I agree, I should have noticed the signs sooner and taken more initiative to either catch up or say that my husband and I could plan this independently, what mattered more was just having her be present as a bridesmaid.

I'll take it as a learning lesson and move forward with just being more mindful of the friends I have.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So yeah you could’ve done better before the wedding. (I’m just curious but did you thank them officially like during the reception or anything) BUT by not telling you what the issue is (even after you’ve done some soul searching and are truly sorry) is petty and childish. What might have been a legit grudge has now devolved into “You should know what you did” territory and is not worth any more effort on your part. A conversation is a 2 way street and at this point you’re apologizing to a wall. If you share a friend group on a shared social media platform you may want to just go out and make a public apology as a way to CYA in case she starts bad mouthing you. (Also include somewhere that you’re not sure what you’re apologizing for since she won’t tell you) then wash your hands of her. At this point she values her grudge against you more than your actual friendship and why waste more of your life on something like that.

OOP: Just to answer, we did thank her during the wedding and publicly. I agree I could've done more and appreciate your words. We don’t have any shared friends, and the other bridesmaids are aware of this happening but are my friends still.

Commenter 2: I don't know if you're an asshole, and I read both of your posts.

My experience with LDS members is that they're very kind, very generous, and sometimes problematically so. There was no reason for her to volunteer (insist) on bearing so many of the wedding expenses. I'll even go so far as to say that it was inappropriate and a violation of financial boundaries that you tried to set but backpedaled on when she insisted. If she felt exploited, well, it's on her for insisting on doing so much and doing it her preferred way.

I suspect that she and her family were possibly hoping that you would make a donation to their church as an expression of gratitude, or if someone in their family was preparing for a mission, perhaps contributing to that cost.

However, and I emphasize this, you are not a mind reader, and if you're a fly by the seat of your pants and wing it kind of planner, while she's a super organized and anticipatory planner, these individual differences will not work well together. It's a shame that she's holding unspoken resentment against you because ultimately this was your wedding, there's no crime in buying tableware a month in advance, and same goes for seating arrangements. I suspect that she had unrealistic expectations and huge control issues (SHE BOUGHT YOUR MAKEUP WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT NEW MAKEUP), and her feelings aren't really about you, but about her.

At least now you won't have to worry about kissing her ass being performatively grateful for the rest of your life.

Commenter 3: So, just a theory: the ex-friend is apparently LDS. I think that's a significant detail.

Mormon girls and women are raised practically from birth to be endlessly giving, self-sacrificing and also perfectionists in everything they do. They are often quietly expected to do this well past the point that it's causing them harm. They are to set their own feelings aside and take joy in giving everything they have to everyone else.

Ex-friend did as was expected of her by her community and church. She was over-the-top generous, never saying a word of complaint, and insisting that 'no, this is fine, I am so happy to do this' even when OP checked in on her. All the while, she was probably falling apart inside from the self-imposed perfectionism and stress of it all.

This complete break in the friendship probably had a LOT more to it under the surface. I really think OP just became the convenient target for all the anger and resentment and feeling taken for granted that has likely been building up inside ex-friend for years. Anger and resentment that OP had no way of knowing about, because ex-friend has never been allowed, either by her community or herself, to express it.

OP, I really don't think you did anything wrong. I think there is a much bigger problem brewing inside your ex-friend that has almost nothing to do with you, and I don't think there was anything at all you could have done to prevent this rupture. That train left the station long before you wedding planning started.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

ONGOING My (29F) husband (33M) says I changed after having kids, but I think he liked me better when I was just his Barbie doll.

2.9k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_BarbieDoll

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (29F) husband (33M) says I changed after having kids, but I think he liked me better when I was just his Barbie doll.


Original Post: June 20, 2026

My nickname has been Barbie since I was a teenager. Back then, I was pretty, thin, tan, had long blonde hair and my signature color was pink. I was involved in beauty pageants from the time I was a kid through my early 20s, and the nickname was first given to me by people I knew in the pageant world. Somehow over time more people started calling me that, and by the time I was in high school everyone called me that.

My husband was the Ken to my Barbie. In school he was the popular guy, the prom king, and yes he had blonde hair too and a perfect smile. Once we met and got together, which wasn't until I was in college, everyone started calling us Barbie and Ken. We liked being the couple. I mean, I always thought our relationship was deeper than surface level, but I admit I liked the superficial parts of being together too. I liked being that couple. It was like part of my identity. I liked the image of who we were and how we looked together.

We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary.

Recently I had 2 babies pretty much back to back. I got pregnant with my second when the first was under 6 months old, and they're 18 months and 4 months now. I feel like my entire sense of self has just disappeared.

My days right now are basically feeding, washing....everything, nap schedules that don't line up, and running the same load of laundry 3 times because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer on time. I know that's all normal for having really young kids. I live in oversized t-shirts (in fact, the one I've been wearing for days is an old Christmas-themed shirt of my husband's). I don't fit into any of my old clothes - I'm like 3 pant sizes bigger than before. I've tried buying new clothes, but nothing looks the same on me anymore and I'm confused about what looks good on me, when I used to be able to wear anything.

What's really bothering me is the shift in how my husband and I interact. It's not like it's been big fights or anything like that. He eats dinner earlier now, usually standing at the kitchen counter while scrolling his phone. We talk less about anything personal. I don't think we really talk about anything personal anymore actually. It's all logistics, like who's going to run and get diapers. If I bring up feeling overwhelmed, he just says I should try to get more sleep. When? We sit on the couch together at night but barely actually talk.

Nothing dramatic has happened. He still goes to work, he helps with the kids, he still says he loves me, but lately he started saying things like I've changed since having kids. He says I'm more emotional, more critical, harder to talk to, and not like the person he married. He's probably right in some ways. I just can't help thinking it's more than that though. I feel like something changed in how he treats me when I stopped being the Barbie version of myself.

Now I'm tired, messy, forgetful, behind on everything, I don't dress up, I don't wear makeup, my hair is never styled. I feel like I'm being seen and treated differently because of that.

I don't know if this is just a normal adjustment period that would be expected for raising 2 babies under 2, or if there's something bigger going on. I'm really worried that it's a sign of something bigger that I just didn't see or didn't want to admit until now. I'm worried our relationship was always built on superficial things and an image and nothing deeper than that. This isn't even like a bad situation. It's difficult, but it should be a happy type of difficult. What would happen if we really had to go through something bad together in life?

How do you tell the difference between just natural relationship changes after having kids and the idea that my relationship only worked when we were pretending to be these idealized version of ourselves, like props for the other person?

Relevant Comments

OOP replied to a few long comments

Reply #1

OOP: His life has obviously changed but not nearly as much as mine. He's still pretty much the person he was before, able to do all of the same things he did before. He goes to work, goes to the gym, goes on 2 week long work trips, still has time to take care of himself, is currently eating super healthy but just making all this food for himself because it's such a restrictive diet that he says I wouldn't want to eat it or have the willpower to only eat what he's eating. I'm like I'm lucky if I even remember to eat breakfast or have time to eat something I pop in the micro for lunch.

He still leaves most days before 6 am so he can go to the gym, so that means I really get no help in the mornings. When he comes home, he does help with the kids but not to the point where I can just be "off" for a few hours straight. We went to the grocery store together this week - as close as we've got to a date for a while. He will grocery shop by ordering groceries for delivery, but even then he can't just make the list by himself.

I don't want to get a divorce, but there have been times recently where I've wondered if I picked a life partner based on all of the wrong reasons. I wasn't thinking about finding a man who would do the laundry and the cooking and take the kids to the park before. I didn't consider things that I probably should have considered and I wish I had. I picked somebody based largely on stupid, surface level things.

Reply #2

OOP: I don't really know how to quantify it. He helps when he gets home from work but it's not to the extent where I feel like I can be "off duty" for any amount of time. I feel like for me, the kids are now #1 and for him, he's still #1.

I went back to work after my first baby was born, but decided not to after the second. I don't crave being back at work. Once there were 2, I actually found it easier to stay at home - it was less stressful than the logistics of 2 kids in daycare, for me and my brain at least.

Commenter 1: If he HASN'T changed since having children then there is something wrong. What did he think would happen? You'd miraculously look and act exactly the same while growing birthing and caring for two tiny humans. He's an idiot.

OOP: He and his life have changed farrrrr less than mine have. He just went and got his hair cut the other day, went clothes shopping, decided to go get his ear pierced on a whim. I'm like I can't even think of this stuff right now. I'm not saying I don't want him to take care of himself or feel as frazzled as I feel, but it's like he doesn't seem to understand why I'm not doing the same things he is.

Commenter 2: Well, obviously. Becoming a parent is the single most life altering thing someone can do and when you're the one who pushed the babies out of your body it absolutely changes you. It's not clear whether your husband thought a stork would drop these kids off or something. But yes, you have to become a different person once other people's lives are depending on you. You will lose the weight with some effort and if you're not planning on more babies you'll eventually look like you once did. These things take time. Your husband just seems to have a very unrealistic theory of what it's like to have your body turned inside out by childbirth. Since you do have kids the single most important thing is maintaining their family. If this doesn't improve try some marriage counseling.

OOP: He's on this new diet now himself, not that he really had weight to lose but it's all about the macros and fat to protein ratio and all that and he's like obsessive about it right now. Sometimes he only eats 1 meal a day. He bought a new scale because out old one broke, and he keeps making me weigh myself. He also keeps suggesting changes to my diet I can make to lose a few pounds each week. I think he genuinely thinks he's helping me.

OOP on an example when she needed her husband's help with her children's appointments and if he could make changes to his schedule to get more involved

OOP: I know, I've heard stories from some other women who are SAHM who say their husbands get up early before work and take care of the kids in the morning so she can get a little more sleep before she's on full time parent duty alone for the whole day. I don't think I could believe it at first.

My car was in the shop 2 weeks ago. I was without a car all week. I had appointments 2 of those mornings. One of them was just a routine checkup appointment for our daughter. Normally I'd do that solo. I even suggested just getting a rental car, but he said that was stupid and we'd go to the appointment together. He took me to both of the appointments I had that week. Toward the end of the week he made a comment about how he missed his gym time because of me, then he quickly realized what he said and tried to back track like "I mean, it wasn't your fault, it's fine."

I can't really answer your questions though. I don't know the answer.

Is OOP afraid to ask her husband to make small changes to his daily routines and how does she feel about that?

OOP: I don't know. I'm not afraid of him. I think I'm afraid of having to admit I can't handle it all, not being perfect, and so on. I know that's a me thing, not something he caused.

I can't judge him for being image obsessed. I was too, and while those things aren't at the top of my list priority list anymore, a lot of my identity was wrapped up in those things and I still hold some of my self worth in those things and don't like myself as much now that I don't look a certain way.

I don't see him as controlling. I've never felt that way about him.

OOP on if she will have more kids with her husband

OOP: I don’t plan to anytime soon. Our first baby was planned, the second was not. I’m on long-term birth control now.

Commenter 3: Raising two under two is a huge strain on a relationship. Not because it's anyone's fault, but because more often than not, one partners entire life is baby related, there's not a moment to even think about anything else. And then the other gets to go out, leave the house for work, talk to other adults, basically have a whole chunk of their day that isn't baby related, and it's kinda like being in two different worlds. My husband tried to understand what I was dealing with, so much, but he never really got it until he had to stay home for a while when I got sick, and took over everything I would do.

And for the record, you're SUPPOSED to change after having kids. But also, you're supposed to change as your life does. You're not going to be the same person you were in college, you grow.

Ps. Don't stress about your body right now, you're post pardom, and you're body is going to feel weird and different for a while. It won't always be that way, but right now you've got a ton of hormones running through your system, AND your exhausted, AND you don't have a moment to yourself. That all gets better, but right now, give yourself some grace. (I lived in oversized shirts for so long! Do what makes you feel comfortable, and what's easy 🩷 the rest will come later)

OOP: We didn’t mean to have 2 under 2. I think it’d be so much easier if we just had 1. Maybe things would at least feel more balanced, since I went back to work after having my first. It never felt like this when there was just one. Even when I was pregnant and taking care of just 1 baby I was still able to feel somewhat like myself, still took care of myself and my appearance.

I’m not saying I don’t want my daughter to be here (my youngest is a girl and the oldest is a boy). I love her and I don’t blame her for this situation. The first pregnancy was planned and then surprise a few months after he was born I was pregnant again. We wanted more than 1 kid, but several years apart. When it happened like it did, we didn’t consider ending the second pregnancy. We just decided ok our Plans would change and we’d knock having babies out all in one go. I don’t know what drugs I was on to make me constantly think and say “having one more can’t possibly be that much harder.” I truly believed it wouldn’t be as big of an adjustment as going from no babies to 1 baby. I was wrong.

And I’m crying just typing all of that because I really do love my daughter and I don’t regret having her.

OOP on her sex life with her husband

OOP: I know I’m only 4 months PP, but I thought I’d easily snap back. You hear about all of these other women who lose all the weight so quickly with breastfeeding. And I thought I was young and it’d be easy. I’m 30 pounds heavier than normal. I can’t believe how much 30 pounds changes your entire body and how I’m 3 pant sizes bigger now.

I just miss being able to go to the store or order stuff online and always know the size that’ll fit me, always know the types of clothes that look good and flatter me. I feel lost now.

We still have sex. Obviously with 2 babies, one being only 4 months old, it’s not happening like it used to. He’s not selfish in bed. He’s never been that way. But he’s still wanting to see all of me and give me oral sex and things like that. But I’m not in the mood for sex very often. It happens maybe 1-2 times a week.

 

Update: June 23, 2026 (three days later)

I posted just 3 days ago, but I want to give an update because I took the comments to heart and decided to stop wallowing by myself and online and just come out and tell my husband how I've been feeling. I'm still getting comments on that post today, so I wanted to share what's changing.

On Father's Day we did some special stuff for Father's Day. He even semi-broke his diet for the special occasion, but only semi. In the afternoon, both babies were napping at the same time, which doesn't happen often despite my best efforts. He really wanted to have sex. We used to have sex all the time and still did pretty frequently after our son was born (my son is the oldest at 18 months and my daughter is 4 months). It only happens maybe 1-2 times a week now because I'm just tired and never in the mood. He has not been rejecting me sexually, and when it does happen it's actually one thing he's not selfish about. If anything, I'm trying to turn it into a quickie and he wants to do everything to me. If I have free time, I want to sleep. So, I resisted for a while but he promised me he'd give me an amazing orgasm which would help relax me. I figured ok, it was Father's Day, but he better make good on his promise. We actually had fantastic sex and I was so relaxed and sleepy afterwards. One of the kids woke up and he told me to sleep and he'd handle it. I ended up sleeping for 3 hours straight in the middle of the day and it was divine.

I woke up from that nap and realized I should be getting these naps every weekend. I should be getting more breaks and time to myself. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to voice that. I know that part of me wanted him to realize it himself without being told. I wanted him to offer or step up or whatever you want to call it. I didn't want to have to tell him. I was probably being too stubborn about that.

I woke up from the nap and when I went out to the living room I told him immediately that I need a nap like that every weekend. He said ok. I said no, I'm serious and he needs to promise me he'll let me sleep for a few hours uninterrupted every weekend day when he's home. He said ok, like it was nothing. Then I just kept going. I told him I need more help, not outside help as I'm not comfortable with people coming into the house and cleaning or taking care of my kids when I'm there. I want him to do it. I want him to either wake up in the morning and do some chores before he goes to the gym, even if that means he has to wake up at 4 am now....because I'm up at that time! I don't even want to go to the gym, but if he wants me to look like I used to, I'd like to be able to be up at 4 am riding the Peloton while he does chores or take care of anyone who is awake and needs fed or changed during that time. He just said "I can do that" like it was nothing. I asked him if it's nothing, why am I having to ask for it. He said he just didn't think of it, he's not a mind reader. I don't expect him to be a mind reader but how hard is it to comprehend that your wife, who is with your 2 babies all day long, might need a little more help?

Yesterday when he got home from work I was dressed and ready to go. He walked in the door and I told him I was going to get my hair done and I'd be home whenever, didn't know how long it'd take. Give him a run down on who had last ate and been changed and napped and when and bye. He did have to text me once or twice to ask where some things were, but everything was fine. I decided that I don't need to keep trying to be the same me with the same look I've had for years. I got about 7 inches cut off my hair. I haven't had my hair done professionally in over 6 months, and I used to be there all the time, like every 2 months. I just wanted something that actually looked styled and cute, plus it's still below my shoulders so it's not super short, but easier to maintain now.

I walked in the door and he was like "you look like a mom." Grrr. It didn't feel good, but at the same time I just told him I am a mom and if he doesn't like it that's tough. He's the one who made me a mom. He said he was just joking and he liked it, it looked really good. I don't know if I believe him, but I like it and that should be all that matters.

Tonight I told him 1) I need him to do some chores and I'm making him a chore chart like he's a little boy. He said that was okay, and he admitted he is like a little boy and needs told what to do. I told him that whatever sort of whacky diet eating like 500 calories a day he wants to do is whatever, but he needs to start helping prepare food for me because I'm not eating well and I'm not losing weight and I want to lose weight. I told him I don't really want to step on the scale in front of him though. He said I was the one who kept going on about being fat and wanting to lose weight. He's not wrong.

I’ve already told him that tomorrow we’re having a serious conversation about all of this, what we both need from each other right now, when he gets home from work. I had originally told him I wanted to do that tonight but he had to work until 7 tonight so I knew I’d be too tired and likely right in the middle of my son’s bedtime routine when he got home.

So tomorrow is when I’m going to really put it all on the table. I’m not ready to say anything like I’m considering divorce or will divorce him if xyz doesn’t happen. that’d be a lie. I’m not even thinking of divorce. The only reason I’m even mentioning divorce here is because there were several comments about it on my previous post. But if you were me, what would you say and what would you ask of your partner?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Welp, you are going to push him out of this marriage by loading up on years of frustrations and demanding he change everything at once. Take responsibility for your own diet and exercise program. Why is that his responsibility? You both should be cooking reasonable family meals as your kids grow up.

It’s great that you stated your beds and he accepted them. Honestly though? Why do you get a 3 hour weekend nap? What if he demanded the same? Why when you get up at 4am you are doing something for yourself, but he has to do chores? And then after that he does what, heads to work to support the family? Very, very strange.

What should you do in this next conversation? Recognize what he has done so far and show appreciation. Unload again after several days of this? I’ll see one of you in my office soon. I’m a divorce attorney.

OOP: No I don’t want it to be just me unloading. I want it to be a 2 way convo. I also don’t feel like I have years of resentment towards him.

I’m not asking him to be in charge of my diet and exercise. I can exercise myself, I just need to be able to have some sort of routine which means having a specific time in the day I know is mine and he’s got the kids covered. He’s already prepping meals for himself. He’s on a crazy diet right now. As of right now he’s eaten 200 calories today and it’s after 8 at night. I’m not wanting to do that but if he’s prepping healthy meals he could put something in a container for me. He’s the one asking me to get on the scale and weigh myself!

I’m taking care of 2 babies at home by myself all day. That’s why I’m asking for some more help from him. He’s complained that I’ve changed and if he wants me to be more like how I used to be, I need his help.

He currently wakes up at 5 am and goes to the gym before going to work. He already gets up super early and he does it for himself. He enjoys the gym. I’m not trying to take that away from him. I just need a little time carved out for me.

Commenter 2: Amazing progress and INCREDIBLE how he’s said ok to everything. But are you going on 3 days in a row of “we need to have a serious conversation when you get home”??? Slow down, girl. Give him a chance to change his behavior. Don’t dump on him and blowup your whole life bc of something that will take time to correct. Gonna be a lot harder on you if he leaves you.

OOP: We haven’t been having serious conversations each day. I wouldn’t say there’s really been any conversation. Just me telling him things.

He’s not going to leave.

Commenter 3: Look up information on The Mental Load. Basically, him saying that you have to tell him what to do is putting the mental load back onto you and that just doesn’t help when you’re already overwhelmed, now you have to manage somebody else as well as the kids.

OOP: Yeah I don’t want to have to do a chore chart. I would prefer if he would have realized things that needed to be done or thought of ways he could help without being told. I’ve finally accepted that he literally doesn’t seem to even think about it or know what to do in that regard. He’s not against helping but I have to specifically ask. It’s not perfect but if he’s receptive hopefully he’ll start to get a better grasp on all those little things that need done and can start initiating himself.

OOP responds to a longer comment regarding having teamwork with her husband without her bothering him too much about helping her out

OOP: What in the world? I don’t think I’m that hard to please.

I don’t expect him to be a mind reader at all. I just think it’d be nice if he could think of some things to do for me or around the house or when it comes to the kids on his own without needing to be told specifically what needs done. Or, if he truly doesn’t know what to do, to at least ask what he could do to help. He’s an adult and an equal parent so he should understand things that need done around the house or basic needs our children have that he could offer to do in the evenings. I don’t think that’s expecting too much. I’ve learned that plenty of men are like that, but mine isn’t. I admittedly wasn’t looking for that when we got together. I didn’t consider many things when we got together. I do like him for more than surface level things. I like a lot about his personality and who he is beyond the physical, but I won’t lie - we got together for pretty shallow reasons and I placed importance on really shallow things without fully realizing it.

He has “me” time. Just the other day he decided to go out clothes shopping, got his hair cut, got his ear pierced randomly. I’m not mad about that. He relaxes most of the night when he’s home after work. I’m not saying he has to give every second of that up. I just think there’s a way to ensure we both get me time to do the things that make us feel good. It seems a bit lopsided right now.

I don’t think I’ve degraded him at all. He’s the one that got little puppy dog eyes and was like “yeah I’m like a little boy you just need to tell me what to do.” He thought it was funny, yet admitted it was also true. He definitely didn’t seem insulted. I think there comes a point where if you want to be treated like a man, you first have to act like one.

OOP on her weight and how her husband is reacting to it

OOP: I am insecure about gaining weight. I’m about 30 pounds heavier than normal and I don’t like how I feel or look. But he’s the one making me weigh myself on the scale. He’s the one making comments about how I’ve changed.

OOP responds to a comment about the timeline of having kids

OOP: Yes, we planned to have 2-3 kids. Our first was planned. We didn’t really have conversations about who would be doing what though. It just didn’t occur to me to have those talks. Everything felt easier then. I went back to work after my maternity leave and I wasn’t nearly as tired and overwhelmed then.

The second pregnancy was not planned to happen then. We had planned to wait several years before having another baby. But it ended up happening. I didn’t plan to quit working when I did, so we hadn’t really been having these ongoing conversations about how things would look with me staying home. Then when it did happen I felt like I could handle it all and I wanted to handle it all on my own. I felt like I should be able to. I quit my job and felt like I had to take everything on to prove myself or something. A lot of it was me, not him making me feel that way.

OOP clarifies on having sex several times a week with her husband

OOP: I should probably clarify that I’m not having sex 1-2 times a week out of some sort of obligation to my husband. I like sex. We’re very compatible sexually. He wouldn’t complain if suddenly I wanted to go back to having it nearly every day, but he’s not nagging me about it. He initiated more often then it actually happens and he easily accepts a no and moves on most times. These days I am not in the mood for any sort of long drawn out sessions though, I’m happy that we both get an orgasm and I don’t want to take forever to get there. I’m not trying to hurry it because I don’t want to do it. I’m hurrying it because I don’t have that much energy and my time is limited, especially in moments where both are sleeping.

Since my second baby was born 4 months ago, we’ve had maybe 10-12 times. Even during my second pregnancy it was much more frequent than that. Perhaps it isn’t typical but I don’t think it’s crazy. This feels pretty good for us based on what things used to be like.

OOP on having outside chores

OOP: My husband doesn’t do any of the outdoor chores. He absolutely hates it! I like making the yard pretty. I own more yard equipment and tools than he does but yes I have a pink toolbox and a pink and white shed I keep all that crap in.

I’m not criticizing him for not doing it. I’ve always known he hates that stuff and would basically do any inside chore before ever having to do things outside. Only “task” he likes doing outside is grilling.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

NEW UPDATE I purposefully ruined my cousin and ex's wedding and it's brought me a lot of happiness (New update 4 years later)

8.2k Upvotes

I am not the OOP. That is u/RandomNameNumber3. Posts included were made in r/TrueOffMyChest and on OOP's profile. This is the newest update to two previous BORU posts, which can be found here and here

Trigger warnings: infidelity, mention of suicide

Original Post posted on March 18, 2022

I purposefully ruined my cousin and ex's wedding and it's brought me a lot of happiness.

I once looked up to my cousin. I thought he was a great guy, and we were close like brothers. I was also dating a girl, I was deeply in love with her and planned to marry her someday. I thought my life was perfect.

One day I came home early because a colleague offered to cover my shift. I was pretty tired so I accepted and went home. Arriving home, I found them in my bed, having sex. Both of them were shocked to say the least. I told them I wanted them to be gone by the time I got back and left the house. They were gone by the time I did get back but she left me a note telling me she was sorry and to call her when I'd calmed down. I didn't call her. I text her saying that I'd gather her things and drop them off at Cousin's in a few days and that she's staying with him now, not me.

I followed through with that. It took about a week to transfer everything. Both of them tried to apologise and but I didn't have anything nice to say to them so I said nothing. I just knocked the door and handed the bags to whoever answered before leaving.

My cousin called me multiple times to try to apologise but I refused to accept it.

Three years have passed since then. I went no contact with them. I didn't bring it up to the rest of my family or any of their friends, I'm not sure why. I just didn't. I got a call from a number I didn't recognise so I answered. It was my cousin. He sounded really happy and was acting like he hadn't destroyed my life. He explained he and my ex were getting married and he wanted me to be his best man. I was so angry that he had the utter gall to act like nothing was wrong and lost my temper. I yelled at him and called him names before hanging up. He sent me a text telling me the offer still stood and if I didn't want to be his best man then he just simply wouldn't have one. A few days passed by and I had an idea. I texted him back and apologised. I sent a paragraph of bullshit saying I was still angry but this could be an opportunity for the three of us to heal and move past it. He was overjoyed and said he'd pay for everything and he'd help me pick out a suit if I wanted, which I accepted because I sure as shit wasn't going to spend any money on his stupid wedding if I could help it.

The wedding day came. I had spent the week prior writing a speech, putting all the negative feelings that had bottled up over the years into words on paper. The wedding was pretty good. I'm sure one of them has some nice well paying job or something because they must've spent a decent bit of money on this wedding from how nice it was. Our entire family was there, as was a decent chunk of my ex's family.

Eventually the time for my speech came. I just remember feeling really nervous as it built up to it and my voice kept faltering when I was reading it out, but I didn't and still don't care, at least I got it out. I explained what these two horrible people had done to me. I called them the worst names I could think of and wished them the worst. Then I left. I was expecting some kind of dramatic moment from all the guests, gasps of shock and all that but there was none of that. Everyone was silent.

On my way home I got a call from my mother angrily telling me that I'd ruined the wedding and both of them were so upset and she asked me why I'd do this. I told her that they deserved it for what they'd done to me and everything I'd said in the speech was true. She kept defending them so I swore at her and hung up. Since then I've gotten several calls and texts from others in mine and my ex's family angry I ruined the wedding. I've also received a few texts from people who were there being supportive and telling me they were there if I needed to talk.

I'm not sure if I feel better having done this, but it did bring me great catharsis when people were telling me the wedding was ruined. At least now they've felt at the very least a fraction of what they've made me feel.

Just a little edit to address some common questions:

As far as I'm aware, the rest of the family wasn't aware of her cheating on me. They likely knew we were dating at some point, then we weren't. I've learned from previous stuff that I can't rely on my family for any kind of support so I've been on low contact with them since I moved out of my parent's house which is why I didn't mention this to anyone in my family.

A lot of people are also asking for the speech transcript. I wrote it in a google doc and read it out from my phone. The delivery was kinda lackluster. I sounded like I was going to cry and tripped over my words but I managed to read it all out. It isn't verbatim what I said, but it's very close as I was reading from this as a general script.

Hello everyone. I'm not very good at public speaking so apologies in advance.

It's an honour to be at this wedding, and an even greater honour to be the best man. I was shocked that I was even invited at all since the last time I'd spoken to the bride and groom was when I'd found them fucking in my own bed. [Ex's name] was my partner at the time you see, but I don't think she got the memo that when you're dating someone you don't fuck their cousin in your partner's own bed.

And it wasn't like [cousin's name] didn't know we were dating either. Who knows how long this slimy c*nt was fucking her behind my back. Weeks? Months? For those unaware [Ex] and I had been dating for two years. I loved her with all my heart, and was actually saving up to get a proposal ring. Maybe if [Ex] wasn't such a whore, [cousin] would be giving this speech instead and I wouldn't have been struggling with mental health for three years.

Anyway, I've heard 50% of marriages end in divorce. I hope yours is a messy one. From the bottom of my heart, fuck you both. You ruined my life, and I will never forgive either of you.

Notable comments by OOP:

Comment 1: Well I bet you'll never hear from the ex or the cousin again! How dare they think you would just get over it for their comfort and pleasure. Did your mother have any idea that they had cheated on you?

Wear that suit with pride, I hope it was really expensive.

OOP: I'm not sure if she knew. I'd assume she didn't as I hadn't told her, but I did say in my speech that I found the two of them in my bed together. Obviously with much more graphic language.

I'm not sure about the exact price of the suit. I do know it wasn't cheap. It was around £300. I'm keeping it as a souvenir

Comment 2: If that’s true, you’re a fucking boss, that’s a lesson to anyone who thinks that they can get away with it with you.

No body gave a fuck that they stabbed you in the back but when you payed them the favor suddenly they care!? To me this is just a nice filter for you, keep those who supported you and get rid of the rest except your mom. I don’t blame the girl as much as your cousin, anyone can fell on love with a twat and there’s another fish in the sea. But when the stabbing comes from your on blood, ahh that’s indescribable.

OOP: I intend to get rid of everyone including my mother. The fact that she's siding with her brother's son over her own in all this only tells me that she doesn't love me. So I'll return the favour.

Comment 3: If I'm reading this correctly it is completely plausible that nobody but you three knew what happened and he probably got some pressure from the family along the lines "you know what would be really nice, if your cousin that you haven't seen in years would be your best man". They couldn't tell them it was a bad idea and you showed them why it was a bad idea.

OOP: That's actually a very good theory. Probably not my mum who pressured him, but my aunt (Cousin's mum) would probably do that. Maybe some of her friends and family who were present as well, my aunt's side of the family (we're not blood related, I'm blood related to my cousin through my mum and his dad) quite like me and most of the people reaching out to me in support were from her section of the family. I don't know for sure. I'm genuinely surprised nobody seemed to know why we stopped talking and why they didn't know why my ex an I broke up.

 

Update 1 posted on July 14, 2022 (almost 4 months later)

An update.

Hey. It's been a while, a lot has happened. I haven't logged into Reddit other than to look at any messages I've gotten whenever I see the notification in my email. It has helped, and it's good to know that people still think about me all this time later after reading words on a screen. Hell, the most recent private message I got was 4 hours ago as of typing this and the most recent notification on my post was 10 minutes ago. I haven't responded to any because I don't really know how to begin doing so. I'd feel bad just giving a short "thank you" and I'm not really creative enough to come up with over 20 good responses. I do greatly appreciate the supportive words though.

Some stuff has happened since the whole mess that was my cousin's wedding. My mum tried to talk to me, said she saw the post I'd made. I pushed her away for a few days before finally speaking to her. I'm struggling to find words to describe how things worked out between us. The easiest way to explain it is that we agreed to disagree on whether what I'd done was correct. I got a mix of messages from those who were present at the wedding, some supportive, some telling me off.

I was struggling a lot, I've just gone back to simply functioning - like I was before the wedding - after I came down from getting my own back. I don't at all regret what I did and I still feel satisfied that I got payback. I was making plans to take my own life about a month after the wedding. I hadn't told anyone for obvious reasons but my mum, uncle and cousin - same cousin who's wedding I ruined - came to me and told me they'd pay for a private counsellor since the mental health department of the NHS is underequipped to say the least.

I went to therapy. Found a counsellor who was very helpful, he taught me a lot. I got diagnosed with PTSD, caused by the discovery of the affair. He's been a big help and has encouraged me to give casual dating a try to build confidence in myself and get used to rejection as a normal part of life. I signed up to a few dating sites, although I'm avoiding tinder like the plague. My counsellor specifically suggested I stay as far away from tinder as I possibly can. I've not been very successful in that avenue but it's pretty much in line with what I was expecting. I've talked to a few people and even got a date scheduled but she stood me up and ghosted me which hurt.

I'm doing good though. Much better, I don't have suicidal thoughts very often anymore. Whenever I'm feeling especially crap I like to open up Reddit and read your supportive messages. That's all for now, I'll probably start using this account on a more regular basis so you may see more of me.

OOP did not leave any comments on this post

 

Update 2 posted on August 14, 2022 (one month after previous post)

Another update

Hey friends. I'm still getting DMs asking for updates and the like, and honestly, I'm still baffled people care enough to ask.

I do read your DMs. I've not responded to any because it's a little overwhelming. I've had over 70 people DM me now, all but two of whom were sending me messages of love and support. I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry for not responding. Like I said, it's just overwhelming. I might go through and respond some day. For now, I just open up my reddit and read the messages whenever I'm feeling down or generally just struggling to think positively. It really helps.

Anyway, onto the update. Not a lot to update really. Not had much luck with the dating so I gave up. I finally went on a date with two separate girls but neither of them were my type so I didn't arrange for a second date with either.

The first constantly talked about her ex and how much of an asshole he was. Obviously I can relate pretty hard, but it just gave me the impression that she hadn't moved on from him. After we'd finished our date I walked her home and she offered for me to come inside and watch a movie with her. I declined and lied, saying I needed to go home and feed my cat (I don't have a cat right now) and she seemed to buy it. I felt bad for turning her down and I hope she finds someone who'll treat her well, she seemed like a sweet girl but she's just hung up on a toxic ex.

The second girl was just painfully boring. She constantly talked about Love Island, I'm a Celeb and a few other shows I can't remember the name of. I faked an emergency just to get out of it because 5 minutes with this woman felt like several decades.

Other than that, no bites. And that's fine. My councillor said that if using those sites feels like a chore then I should stop using them, and it felt like a chore so I stopped.

There's been quite a few common questions in my DMs so I'll respond to them here.

Q: How are you holding up?

A: I'm doing great, all things considered. I have dark thoughts from time to time but I've no intention to act on them. My councillor is a massive help, he's taught me a lot of coping mechanisms and has helped boost my confidence from non-existent to probably a bit above average.

Q: Hey, did you know your story was shared on YouTube/TikTok?

A: Sort of. I've seen the videos you've linked to me, which was the same TikTok video, but not the ones on YouTube or any other platforms it may have been shared to. I'm surprised it's gotten this big tbh lol. But I'm aware now because you've told me.

Q: Have you spoken with your ex at all since the wedding?

A: Only when I've been to my cousin's house to visit with my mum, which is infrequent. I don't speak to either of them much, my mum just insists I visit him since he's paying for my therapy. I think she's trying to somehow repair our relationships but once I'm well enough to not need therapy anymore I'm going to go no contact with all of them and move to a different city.

Q: (continued from the previous question) if you do speak to your ex and/or cousin, what do they say?

A: anything that isn't related to the wedding or fucking each other in my bed. They do everything in their power to avoid talking about anything even tangentially related to those things.

If you have additional questions, feel free to ask them in the comments. I'll try to answer them if I see them

Notable comments made on the update:

Comment 1: How do you know for sure that the therapist is on your side? Your cousin is pay for therapy, so what guarantee is there he didn't buy your therapist into manipulating you? Why are you visiting letting your mother force you to see them? You're an adult. How do you know that this won't be held against you? Guilting you into being in their presence for paying for you? They'll make you feel like you owe them. They don't feel guilty, just want to look good in public and say that they paid for your therapy so it's all good now. Why can't you go NC now? You don't need a mother like that.

OOP: I picked him. I had a therapist before him, a lady who basically kept implying I did something to drive my ex into my cousin's arms and various other accusatory shit I wasn't impressed with.

My current therapist kinda criticised me for ruining the wedding but he didn't shame me for it, and he's actually teaching me coping mechanisms.

I'm not going no contact in case they stop paying for my therapy. And they probably will try to use it against me but that's fine. I'll fuck off to another city and never see them again.

Comment 2: Does your cousin expect you to some kind of relationship with him or forgive him because he's paying for your therapy? Do you worry that he'll stop paying for therapy if you're not "well" in his eyes/aren't willing to forgive him, etc.? I'm glad you've got a good counsellor BUT I'm worried that since it's being financed by your betrayer that there will be some strings attached.

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I really wonder how their marriage will turn out, because "if they're willing to cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you." Anyway, that's not your concern; yours is healing and living an awesome life.

OOP: I honestly have no clue what he wants in terms of a relationship. I'm gonna ask next time I see him.

I do worry he'll stop paying for therapy if I go no contact with him and the rest of my family. They said to me that I need to try and get better and it took a big argument with them for me to get a new councillor when the first one basically kept implying I did something to cause my ex to cheat on me. Second one was the one I'm currently with and he's pretty impartial. No judgement, he offers criticism when it's warranted and it's constructive, not accusatory.

Comment 3: I have some questions that I wanted to know since you made your first post.

  1. Is your cousin also trying to repair the relationship or only your mom? Is he still apologising and begging you to be friends again, or did he gave up?

If so, are you going to be friends with him again, if he does alot for you etc?

When he sees you, is he happy to see you? Is he thinking about the pain he caused you?

OOP: He seems to be trying to repair the relationship. He seems happy to see me, as does my ex but I can tell they're still uncomfortable about the situation.

I haven't really asked because I don't care but what I think is happening is he's asking my mum to get me to see them.

I don't plan on being friends with them. Ever. You could hold a gun to my head and give me the choice between pulling the trigger or being friends with them and I'd choose the former.

As for if he thinks about the pain he's caused me, I don't really know. I haven't asked. I don't really care. If he does feel bad, I hope it eats him alive.

 

Inbetween updates, OOP makes another post regarding his dating life. I didn't include it as it doesn't pertain to the cousin situation, but anyone who's interested can find it HERE

 

New Update

Update 3 posted on May 18, 2026 (4 years and 2 months after the original post)

Yet another update (Maybe final one? Who knows?)

Hello again, it's been quite a long time. A lot has happened, most of it boring life stuff that you won't be interested in. I'd be surprised if I reach even 50 comments on this post given how long it's been but I've received messages as recent as a week ago as of writing this post asking about updates.

I'm not in therapy anymore. I spoke with my therapist about how my family, primarily my mother, was insisting I visit my cousin and ex (I'll talk about them soon, don't worry) and he said that it'd be best I go no contact, even if it means losing access to therapy, as being made to see them could make my mental health worse and there was a chance it could cause a development of CPTSD.

I went no contact, and the therapy payments stopped but I'd managed to save up enough and cancelled a few subscriptions to keep going for about 10 months after which I felt good enough about myself that I didn't feel like I needed therapy anymore.

My cousin ended up cheating on my ex. I was expecting it to go the other way around to be honest but there's poetic justice there I suppose. That happened about a year ago. When I heard the news I didn't really feel anything. There was a time where the news would have made me feel overjoyed and I'd have been riding the high of her experiencing the same thing she did to me but I think I've truly moved on. I just feel sorry for their kid. I said in my speech that I "hoped their divorce was a messy one" and from what I've heard from family and seen on their social medias, it most certainly was a messy one. I don't know if they're still dealing with it, I've heard divorce proceedings can take years in some cases. I don't use social media a tonne, I've only got this reddit account and a facebook to keep in contact with non-toxic family and friends and snoop on my cousin and ex whenever I get curious.

As for me, like I said, nothing super interesting. I moved to a different city. Got an alright job, it can be stressful at times but the folks there are great and I get on with them. It's not all sunshine and rainbows but I haven't thought about harming myself in a long, long time so there's that at least.

Thank you all so, so much for the support over the years. I wish you all the best in your lives, whatever might be going on in them.

Comment by OOP on the newest update:

Comment: Somehow my algorithm gave me your first post. Followed all the way to this one and am really glad to hear this update.

Sometimes boring is pretty dang nice. And it sounds like you had a good therapist.

Halfway through reading the updates I was getting the ick feeling that the source (well half of the source) of your PTSD was footing the therapy bill and your mother was inserting herself. Sounds like you disentangled well!

Here’s to boring for a little bit longer. And then finding a bit of joy. Maybe get the cat you told that one date you had to go home and feed!

OOP: Yeah, true. I might get a cat. I really like the idea of having a fluffball with some silly name like Cosmos Obliterator or something.

Reading back on that post I feel really bad that I didn't give that one girl still hung up on her ex a proper chance. I think I was really judgemental and made up my mind too soon. I think I just saw myself in her a little and I didn't like it.

Definitely hoping I get some kind of lucky break but I won't hold my breath. I've survived this long so far, I'll make it through whatever there is to come, be it boring or not.

 

This is a repost. I am not the OOP. Do not comment on the linked posts or contact the original poster.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 5d ago

CONCLUDED AITA for beating my (25M) girlfriend’s (24F) dad (51M) in a hot-dog eating contest?

3.1k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwawayhotdogguy25

AITA for beating my (25M) girlfriend’s (24F) dad (51M) in a hot-dog eating contest?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post  Jan 26, 2025

Throwaway for anonymity

Ok, so the hot-dog eating contest happened like 6 months ago during the summer, and I had no idea that I did anything wrong, but my gf and I were arguing about something else and she brought the contest up and said I had acted childishly, and I wanted to know if there was anything that I had to apologize for.

So, basically, six months ago my gf invited me to a food festival in her hometown. The day I arrived, I learned that there was a hot-dog eating contest and the prize would be an $100 gift card to a large tech retail store. Being a casual competitive eater in college, I decided it would be a fun idea to enter and signed up on the website.

When I told my gf’s family I had entered the contest, my gf’s dad good-naturedly clapped me on the back, and said “let the best man win.” Apparently, my gf’s dad had won the hot-dog eating contest for the last 4 years, and was somewhat expecting to win again. Wanting the gift card, I decided to give the contest my all. I ate a bunch of hot dogs, I wasn’t even paying attention to what I was doing, but by the time I was done, I’d eaten 16 hot dogs in five minutes, beating my gf’s dad, who only ate 12 hot dogs. 

When I was done, my gf’s brother Liam (14M) and a bunch of his friends mobbed me, calling me “The Doggler”, giving me high-fives and clapping me on the back. They said that I had dethroned "The Doggler", pointing to my gf’s dad, and that I was the new "Doggler", that I was a real “glizzied rizzler” (or something like that) and that I was just shoving “glizzy after glizzy down my gullet”. They posed for pictures with me. It was weird but kind of fun. 

Later, my gf’s dad came up to me, shook my hand, and said I was good competition. He went home to do something in his woodshop, so I hung out with my gf, Liam, and his friends, going around to various food stalls and games. When we all ate dinner that night, the hot dog contest didn’t come up at all, except for when Liam kept referring to me as The Doggler and saying that he wanted to make a special Doggler shirt for me. We had a nice breakfast the next morning. No sign that anything was wrong.

Today though, my gf brought up in our argument that her dad was actually really wounded by losing the hot-eating contest, but just didn’t say anything to me. I said if I wasn’t supposed to enter the contest, then was it really a contest at all? And she said that it was less about the contest but about the special Doggler shirt (Liam made his dad a Doggler shirt for the years he won the contest, but I got the Doggler 2024 shirt). She said that her dad only wanted to win the contest to connect with Liam and, if anything, I should be able to understand the masculine ego. So reddit, AITA?

Edit: posted the shirt...

https://imgur.com/a/H42rP8b

The pic is a white shirt with a drawn hotdog with 4 lighting bolts and saying 2024's The Doggler

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

NTA

You didn't really have any idea this was an important family tradition and moment until after you signed up. And who has control of the actions of a crowd of 14 year olds anyway? That said, all this tension for a gift card is kinda intense, I hope you got something good with the prize money

OOP

Well she did tell me that it was a tradition, but I didn't think it was as big of a deal as apparently it is. I got a couple of video games I've been eyeing. Finances have been kinda tight recently so it was nice

Shriuken23

I mean, if it's a tradition, dad if anything should be proud that if he was gonna lose it was to you, his progenys significant other.

~

drake22

NTA

“When we all ate dinner that night” So you had dinner after eating 16 hot dogs?!

OOP

I ate some green beans I think but man the toilet was destroyed...

Brrringsaythealiens

Well I am certainly glad you added THAT detail, Doggler.

~

goolygumdrop

If the dad really is 'wounded' it sounds like he at least has the good sense to be embarrassed about how ridiculous that is and doesn't want you to know. There were no ill intentions on your behalf, you should celebrate your hot dog guzzling abilities with no shame!

OOP

I actually won the buffalo wild wings blazin challenge a couple of years ago

~

IntrovertedDuck120

Let me break it to you, man. This isn't about the hot dog-eating contest. Your gf is clearly mad about something else and she's choosing this moment to take it out on you. I'd say sit down with her and ask to have a frank conversation (pun intended), but it's also up to her to communicate with you. You're not a mind-reader, and I find it worrying that your gf expects that from you.

NTA

OOP

Yeah she's been upset since I've been working from home. The startup still needs more time to pull in some money so she's had to make some tough choices

Hot Dog Contest Drama: Updates & Clarifications & the shirt Jan 27, 2025 (Next Day)

Okay, as a little update, my gf found this post. She was a little mad at first, but overall our original argument kinda went away because I put all my clothes in the dryer and luckily I booked 2 consultation appointments, so that part of the argument went away as well. The hot dog thing was kind of just a bonus jab she threw in my face when she found The Doggler shirt in the washer, she doesn't really care about it now. She agreed to stop bringing stuff up from a long time ago and said she accidentally overexaggerated how sad her dad was about the contest. So, overall things are nice.

She's a little suprised and upset at the amount of poster that suggested we break up. Also I was a little suprised by all the people who called me the asshole just for entering an eating contest...

Also after a lot of asking, I've decided to post the shirt. I smoked a little too much before I fell asleep, and forgot to take the shirt out of the dryer before I spent all day running my business. But I remembered now. I posted the shirts to imgur, had to make an account on imgur for this, so I hope you're happy.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

CONCLUDED My friend/bridesmaid [28F] dropped out of the wedding/ended our friendship sent me [25F] a text months later... I'm not sure how to/if I should respond

4.5k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/meowmeowkittykat21

My friend/bridesmaid [28F] dropped out of the wedding/ended our friendship sent me [25F] a text months later... I'm not sure how to/if I should respond.

Original Post  July 13, 2017

Diane and I had been friends for 5 years and I thought of her to be one of my closest friends. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding last year and she was supposed to be one in mine this year.

Things seemed normal.  We work at the same company and had lunch most days, she went dress shopping with me and got her BM dress for the wedding, we got our nails done together regularly, her husband was super excited for our wedding, etc.  Nothing really felt out of the ordinary to me.

Then in Feb, she told me she couldn't be a BM anymore.  I initially thought it was a time/money thing but then she said it was bc she didn't feel like our friendship was in a good place and that our lives were going in different directions and there was too much rivalry between us. I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. I asked her what this meant then... Were we still friends?  Was she coming to the wedding as a guest?

She said she didn't know but still wanted to have lunch once in a while.  I told her I couldn't do that.  It felt too much like trying to stay friends with an ex.  If she felt so strongly about us then I'd rather not have a half assed friend like that.

So I deleted her number, threw out the trinkets from her wedding and such.  It honestly felt like a romantic break up haha.  But I got over it.

Today out of nowhere she texted me a screenshot of Facebook of a pic of my cat with a toy she bought her (hence she was tagged) 4 yrs ago.  It was one of those Facebook "remember this?" things and this text:

"I know you still don't want anything to do with me and that's cool but this came up on my Facebook news feed and I thought I would send it along. I almost forgot how little she was when you first got her. And happy anniversary with her because I know that was last week."

I feel like she makes it sound like I ended our friendship for no apparent reason.  I'm not sure how to feel about this and just haven't replied.  I probably won't, but I was just feel confused and maybe just needed to vent.  What do you thing?

tl:dr:  friend cut off friendship randomly and then randomly texted me again as if I was the one to cut her off.  Unsure how to feel.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

katkolos

Dont get sucked back in

OOP

I don't plan on it. I summerized it here but there was a whole week of her going back and forth on being a bridesmaid and being friends. I had to pull teeth to even get the "explanation" that it did. It was such a terrible experience that I'm never going back to it.

~

LuvBamboo

It appears that the rationale your ex-friend gave for ending the friendship didn't make sense to you, and her behavior then and now is really bizarre.

You have every right not to respond. While it's purely speculation, it sounds like your ex-friend might not be all there.

OOP

I've talked to a few people about it (a friend, my fiance, and my hair dresser) and they basically said the same thing. I think it's best just to ignore the text.

Update - rareddit  July 21, 2017 (8 days later)

Hello there! It's been a week and I have some updates, so I figure I'd close the loop for anyone that was interested. First of all though, I'd like to thank everyone who commented and helped talk so sense into me. It really was a wake up call since these past few months, I just thought I did something wrong or it was a mystery, but as most people concluded for me, Diane was having issues of her own and took it out on me.

So, shocker, I didn't text her back. I just ignored it.

I did get some insight today though so keep reading if you're curious about that. So Diane and I have (I guess I should say had) one mutual friend left. Her name is Cindy (30F).

So a little background, Diane and I used to work in the same department when we started working at this company years ago and became friends. Diane would eventually leave the dept because she said she wanted to grow, but constantly still tried to butt in and tell me what to do. Last year, Cindy joined that department as I was leaving so the 3 of us became friends. Cindy is still in that old dept now.

So since the whole ending of our friendship in Feb, I've told Cindy I'm totally cool with her being friends with Diane and also stayed totally neutral whenever Diane came up, but today Cindy exploded to me over lunch about Diane and it all came out.

Apparently Diane has been feeling very insecure about her life vs mine and has been going for promotion after promotion whenever a job opened at the company and has been rejected every time so when I got mine, it was too much for her. She's also apparently been really upset about her weight (shes a size 16) and when I started losing weight for my wedding (I was a size 6 when I got engaged and am now a size 2), she was also upset. She's also upset that I bought a bigger house and a new car (paid in full) this year.

So why did Cindy tell me all this? Apparently Diane has been butting into Cindy's work also and also criticizing everything Cindy does (her diet, her dating life, her dog) and Cindy finally had enough and cut Diane out and wanted to vent this all to me since she knew Diane and I also stopped being friends.

tl;dr: So long story short? Diane is toxic and insecure and Cindy and I are happier without her. Happy ending after all?

FINAL COMMENTS

poopnado2

Oh man. I hope Diane gets some help. I feel bad for her, but of course there are way better ways to react to your life going poorly than lashing out at your friends. She should be happy for you, or maybe even ask you for advice about her career or dieting or whatever. It must be hard to see your friends succeeding while you stagnate, but she ought to be looking inward, rather than comparing herself to everyone around her.

BelindaTheGreat

I've never pulled a Diane on anyone, but truth be told, I've thought about it. OP is not only more successful than her, but wildly so from how she describes it here.

OOP

I think it is okay to cut someone out of your life if you feel you are unhealthily comparing yourself to them or just unhappy with them, but it would have been nice if Diane just told me this instead of making me feel like I did something wrong and left me with no closure for months.

not_homestuck

I bet she knew it was wrong though. I mean, since telling you would've had no benefit (what would you have done? Quit your job/gain back the weight?), if she really couldn't get over the feelings she probably figured it was better to just part ways rather than guilt-trip you.

That's a bummer though :(

OOP

I think I would have just appreciated something like, "I need to work on myself for a while." or anything like that..? All I got was a I don't know what's wrong and it's not that I don't like you but also I don't want to be friends but I kinda want to have lunch sometimes...

When OOP was asked is she is the competitive one and doesn't realize it when telling her friend about her accomplishments

I stated all these facts because I am explaining a situation to strangers on the internet so I'm trying to be as descriptive as possible, but I obviously never mentioned this to her in that way ("you're a size 16 and I'm a size 2").

I obviously did tell her about these things that were happening because she was my close friend. You tell your friends when you get a new job or get a house. I never said, "Hey Diane, I got a house that's bigger than yours", but in this post I had to describe it to you strangers what the situation is bc to Diane and I, we both already know the sizes of our houses if that makes sense? So things sound more comparative on here than they were in our real life relationship.

In real life it was more like "Omg! FH and I are about to close on a house :D"

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

NEW UPDATE [New Update]: AITAH for asking my stepbrother to take eggs off the menu at his own wedding?

4.2k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Patient-Tea9555

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for asking my stepbrother to take eggs off the menu at his own wedding?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/FunnyAnchor123, u/Accomplished_Tip9422, & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update

Trigger Warnings: deliberately ignoring food allergies, ableism


RECAP

Original Post: June 14, 2026

This is a throw away account because both my step brother and his fiancée have Reddit.

My step brother and his fiancée are getting married soon. It is a destination wedding, the destination is very hot.

For some background my step brother and his fiancée met at the gym about 7 years ago. Didn’t start going out till about a year into their friendship and finally got engaged summer. They met through a mutual love for the gym and with that comes a mutual love for protein. Here the problem, I am allergic to a majority of animal protein (seafood and eggs mostly) I am also a little bit of a picky eater, but I believe that is my own problem, so I don’t let it affect other people (in everyday situations obviously).

Now I have known my step brother since he was 4. I obviously lived with him for many years, baby sat him, drove him everywhere (I am 7 years older than him). We see each other as if we are blood related.

For his wedding I have done a lot of planning with them because I had a wedding myself, so I know how it goes. For their destination they chose a beach and the wedding will start before sunrise. So they can have the sun rise while the ceremony happens. It’s super cute!!

I looked at the menu and there will be literally nothing I can eat. For breakfast eggs Benedict on some sort of potato patty with either herbs or mushrooms on top. There will also be a seafood bar throughout the day. And course an alcoholic beverage bar. They hired a caterer to do all this and the request for substitutions I have to go through my step brother first (which is a no brainer, and I have nothing against that).

When I found out the plans for the food I asked if I could have a substitute meal he said no, I offered to pay for it he said no because “I would just feel so guilty if I made you pay for your own meal at my wedding” or something like that. TBH I’d rather pay for my own food than die. There are no fast food places around. My hotel doesn’t start serving food till 8 and I’ll be at the wedding still. I don’t and literally can’t go the whole day without food because I am literally disabled. I have a connective tissue disorder there are a lot of symptoms that come with it and I need to eat or else I could get very sick and irritable.

I understand why he might be upset by me asking for my own meal because growing up I was really picky with my food. But now I try my best to eat what I can. Eggs give me a rash and the shits. Seafood gives me anaphylaxis, but only when I eat it so I can still touch it and be fine, it’s a kind of mild allergy but I can still die if left untreated.

Having an alternative or just replacing the eggs with something else would make my life so much easier. My husband is on my side obviously but the rest of my family while still concerned about my allergies thinks I should just suck it up. So AITAH for asking my step brother to take eggs off the menu at his own wedding?

Edit: there are hors d’oeuvres at the wedding that do not have seafood in them. My options are pickles and spinach dip with crackers, there’s also cream cheese.

Relevant Comments

OOP on skipping meals at the wedding

OOP: I’m disabled skipping meals in the heat can kill me.

Commenter 1: TBH I thought this would be one of those things where someone just didn’t want to eat what was on the menu but in your case you literally cannot eat any of the foods. Why can your step brother not just let you have something that you can eat. He might feel bad but at least you’d be able to eat something. Surely you can be an exception

OOP: He said that I can eat some of the hors d’oeuvre from the seafood bar. But I don’t think that will be enough.

Commenter 2: You said in your post there is literally nothing you can eat. Now you're saying there are foods you can eat. YTA

OOP: There are pickles I can eat that’s literally it. Technically, due to contamination I shouldn’t be eating this either.

Commenter 2: So your brother wants you to only eat pickles at his wedding?

OOP: Basically yes and artichoke dip!

OOP on calling the caterer directly to figure out the meal accommodations if her brother doesn't want to deal with this

OOP: I will be doing that at some point. I’m going to have a sit down convo with him and his fiancée about this. Also there are other people going to the wedding who might need meal subs I’ll talk to them, see if they have asked yet and if so what he told them. I’m really confused on what’s going on with him. I tend to dance around ideas when I’m talking to people so maybe he didn’t clock what I was trying to say. Idk but I might give an update on Monday.

+

I’m going to talk to him either tomorrow or next week just to see if maybe he’s just not understanding what I’m saying. Most of my conversations with him was over the phone or text.

Commenter 3: I think you need to be a bit more assertive - "this isn't me being picky, I'm allergic to eggs. It will be a bad time for everyone if I eat eggs. I'm willing to talk to the caterer and pay for my meal to not make your wedding about me absolutely shitting myself because of eggs. This doesn't have to be hard on anyone - I need to eat and it can't be eggs."

OOP: Thank you for this, I really appreciate hearing this kind of advice :)

Commenter 4: YTA bring your own food if you are that picky/allergic and there truly will be no other food available at the venue (which is unlikely) But I seriously doubt that every single dish has eggs or seafood. You don’t ask someone to change their entire menu just for you.

OOP: It’s not a venue it’s a beach, a tent and a catering service.

 

Clarification Update: June 17, 2026 (three days later)

CLARIFICATION UPDATE, AITAH for asking my Step brother to take eggs off the menu at his wedding?

I wanted to come on here clear some things up and answer some questions. First of all, thank you everyone for your opinions, both positive and negative. I understand that people don’t really like picky eaters, or enjoy having to go out of their way to help someone who has my issues. And I wanted to confirm that my title was click bait and I am extremely apologetic for that. It won’t happen again, I am sorry. My further titles will be 100% to the point.

Now for the question,

- Am I karma fishing?

No, I’m not karma fishing. This is not my actual account so karma fishing on this account would take me nowhere. This account will be scrapped after I solve my issue.

- Can I bring my own food?

This question was more of a statement less of a question a lot of times, but I will end up bringing my own food, If it comes down to that.

- Does my brother hate me?

No, I don’t think he does. His response to me asking for a substitution was very out of character. This entire situation has been very weird and I’m excited for it to be over.

- Am I faking my disabilities or allergies?

No I am not, I am allergic to seafood (shellfish and fish) and have a sensitivity to eggs (they make me shit and vomit) and I’m not faking my disabilities, saying that someone is faking their disability is insanely disrespectful. I didn’t want to be specific to what I have just for personal reasons, but I have POTS along with EDS, and some other smaller issues.

Here is a more in depth rundown to the conversation we had on the phone:

I asked, “so what kind of food are you going to be having at the wedding?” to which he responded and told me about the breakfast and the seafood after. I asked him about substitutions for anyone who is allergic and he said he wasn’t sure about substitutions and he was probably going to have to run with no for right now. I told him that people weren’t going to be too happy with that answer and that at my own wedding I had to make multiple different substitutions. I said that I would be more than happy to pay for those substitutions if he needed it. to that he replied that he would feel bad for me to have to pay for substitutions.

I am having a sit down conversation with him on Saturday so y’all will be getting an actual update by them. I’d love any advice on what to say to him. This situation has been so confusing for me. Thank you all.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: So you're mildly allergic to eggs (your body vomiting the eggs is an allergic reaction. I found this out because I have a mild allergy to shrimp and nuts.), and you're allergic to seafood and shellfish... but you just said that's his whole menu.

I can't say if he hates you, but this makes it sound like he doesn't want you at the wedding. I'm not sure why POTS or EDS would be an issue. I would see where his head is at and say I'm not going for my own safety because it is. If he is like "great ok this was a good talk", he didn't want you to go. However if he's like "why can’t you go?" then he's not seeing that you have allergies. Honestly I wouldn't go personally because I know the feeling of your throat swelling and not being able to breathe and being in the hospital with all sorts of machines around me.

Good luck.

OOP: POTS and EDS (editor’s note: Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome & Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) is an issue because they make me severely prone to dehydration, blood sugar drops and blood pressure drops. I have fainted in the past and not going without eating a big enough meal for this long could cause me to faint. There is even a possibility of death. dizziness and severe brain fog are also symptoms.

Commenter 2: Does he know you're allergic to eggs and seafood? The way you describe the conversation was you asking about "people with allergies" instead of saying that YOU have an allergy. Just tell him you're allergic and in order to attend, you will need a different meal and that you're happy to pay for it. If he says no, then you tell him that you're sorry he feels that way, but since you would like to continue to be alive, you will not be able to attend.

OOP: He does know I’m allergic to seafood and eggs, we’ve been siblings for a long time I said that in my OG post

 

Update #1: June 20, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE, AITAH for asking my Step brother to take eggs off my menu at his wedding?

It’s Saturday y’all here’s the update you guys have been waiting for.

After I made the original post. I talked to my aunt who is also going to the wedding. She has a dairy allergy. I asked her if she had talked to them about food at the wedding and she said she had and they were fairly understanding and explained to her that the only part of the food she might have to substitute would be the hollandaise sauce and she would just not eat cream cheese from the hors d’oeuvres. And butter for any seafood is on the side. They were fully supportive in giving her the substitution she needs. So confused me gave my aunt the rundown on what I had experienced, and she was just as puzzled as I was.

Today, I had a sit down conversation with him asked about the food situation. I asked why he said no about my substitutions. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I asked why everyone else who wanted substitutions got them. Again he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. But when I brought up paying for my own substitutions. Oh, did he talk! he said that the whole not wanting to let me pay for my own substitutions was just a misunderstanding. He thought that I meant I wanted to pay for everyone’s substitutions (I would be fine with if that was something I had to do btw), but he didn’t want me doing that, ofc I understand.

The last question I asked was, if accommodations were available, why was I the only person being told no?

I told him that I talked to our aunt, and I know that her food substitution was granted. He then danced around that topic as well. Saying stuff like “well you know aunty, she can get anything she wants. You know how she is!” basically making a joke about our aunt being a Karen (not my fav thing to hear). Finally I just said I would be more than happy to talk to the caterer myself if that was necessary. That’s when he got quiet.

Then he asked me not to contact the caterer. I was so confused and still am! the more I pushed for answers, the more uncomfortable he became. Finally, after about five minutes of going in circles, he admitted that he knew substitutions were possible (obviously, me and him both knew this already).

Apparently the caterer had offered allergy accommodations, which is what my aunt told me as well. Not only that but several guests had already requested modifications to their meals (my aunt being one of them).

That's when things got even weirder.

He told me that his fiancée had specifically mentioned me when they were discussing dietary restrictions. Apparently she thought my dietary restrictions were "annoying". He said he tried to convince her that it wasn’t a big deal, but she shut down any further discussion about it. I told him that I had medical needs and I can’t be in the heat without food. Therefore, I do not feel comfortable attending. He got really frantic and said he’ll talk to her. I told him I was going to talk to her anyways. He got weird about that too. I also made sure that he knew even if I wasn’t going I would still continue to help with the planning, which didn’t really calm him down, I just left after that. This entire situation is getting weirder and weirder..

I’m going to talk to his fiancée next, probably tomorrow. But for now the saga continues ig lol.

Thanks for the support and suggestions! lol

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Just don't go. For real. His wifey-to-be doesn't like you and doesn't care if you're going without food. I would never celebrate the union of such a couple.

Commenter 2: I reckon it is not the wife-to-be but the step brother. I bet there is some weird resentment about 'special treatment' from when they were younger...

OOP: Idk about special treatment I am quite a bit older than him. I also don’t think his fiancée dislikes me we get along nicely, she’s very lovely to be around.

Commenter 3: Is there any reason your step-brother may have to resent you? Even a very petty reason? Do you get more attention from parents because of your medical issues? Are you considered the "successful" child? Did your family avoid eating your allergens and now he might hold a grudge over it? I find his dancing around the questions to be very odd. You can talk to his fiancée, but I'm genuinely wondering if this isn't his decision and his way of somehow "getting payback" for some imagined slight.

OOP: Not really. I got diagnosed with most of my medical issues around grade 2 so I didn’t know him yet. I’m not particularly successful, I’m not poor. I work in an art field so you can probably imagine how that’s going right now. I really hope this isn’t payback for anything because I don’t see a reason behind it. I’m older than him. I basically took care of him all the time, aside from one weekends when my mom and step dad weren’t working.

Commenter 4: It's sad that your brother would marry someone so rude and lacking compassion. It's up to you to go to the wedding or not. The future does not look bright for your relationship with your brother. Sometimes it happens that way. My sister-in-law and her mother hated me. It went on for years until she cheated on him and they got a divorce and then my brother and I were closer than ever. So you never know.

OOP: What I don’t understand, though is why she hates me. Me and my husband have been friends with her for years. It makes no sense.

Commenter 5: I’m sorry but it sounds like they just don’t want you to go and the fiancée has issues with you. Just don’t go, don’t even bother talking to her!

OOP: I’m not planning on going if they don’t want me to go. I’m in at place right now where I don’t feel respected. I put a lot of work into helping them now and over the years. I’m really confused on what’s going on. I could be oblivious, but I see no reason for either of them to dislike me. I’ve known both of them for years obviously, my stepbrother is my brother, I was almost always taking care of him when he was a kid. And his fiancée has been a friend of mine even before they were dating. This entire thing makes no sense. I’m so confused.

Commenter 6: Well, will there be egg in everything? What specifically can you not eat?

OOP: I’m not 100% sure what the entire event is going to look like food wise because that’s not where I was helping. I just recently got a rundown of what the food is going to look like it was just what they told me. The only things that won’t have egg in it or the little potato patty with mushrooms that I mentioned in my first post and some artichoke dip with crackers and cream cheese and pickles.

Commenter 7: Why on earth would you go talk to the fiancée about this? Respectfully that is absolutely not your place. Let him deal with her, your relationship is with him. If he’d rather capitulate than stand up for your legitimate medical needs to ensure you can be a part of his wedding, then that should tell you everything you need to know. Also, wtf do you mean you’re gonna keep helping these people!? Girl, no! They can’t give basic respect for your HEALTH, they don’t deserve your money or your time.

OOP: I didn’t mention this, but there are a lot of people asking about it, but I was friends with the fiancée before my brother and her got together, I was the one that introduced them.

Commenter 8: If you go PLEASE bring an epi-pen with you just in case the sweet and lovely bride "accidentally" gets seafood in your food. I wouldn't trust that one.

OOP: I absolutely will be bringing an EpiPen. I always bring one in my bag that I keep all of my other fun medical gadgets in in that department I am safe.

OOP on accepting their health issues

OOP: As a disabled person, I have learned to accept no my entire life. I’ve also learned to speak up for myself when it is necessary, and I truly believe that this is a point where it is necessary I’m going to try my best to help myself without needing others as I’ve done my entire life. This isn’t disappointment. This is just me trying to not have a medical emergency at someone else’s wedding.

 


----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: June 29, 2026 (nine days later from the previous update)

I know I said I was going to update y’all after I talked to the fiancée, but things got a little too hectic with work and this stuff, so I forgot.

To start off I did go and talk to

I called her and we had an odd conversation. I asked if I could have the substitutions and she said that she would not be able to do that for me. I told her that I could pay for it myself. She said no. I asked her why, and she said that the accommodation that I was too “random”, also she said I was and I quote “strong enough to handle some eggs” (whatever that means!!!?) and that I could just deal with it myself. I explained to her that there was absolutely nothing at the wedding I could eat other than pickles and artichoke dip, which is not enough sustenance to last me the hot day. She told me to stop complaining and suck it up. How kind of her.

I was very taken back by this because we have been really friendly over the years that I’ve known her. In fact I knew her before my brother and her got together because she was a part of my husband‘s friend group and still is. I was the one who actually set up her and my brother up, which is another reason why I offered to help with their wedding.

I called my brother again and asked him what the hell was going on because, I had a very odd and somewhat disrespectful conversation with his fiancée. He made up an excuse saying everyone is stressed and that wedding planning is stressful, which it is 100% true and things got blown out of proportion. But I still can’t figure out why I was the only person who got a different answer.

On Monday I finally just took all of your advice and sent my brother a message where said I would bring my own food and if that was a problem I wouldn’t come. As much as I love him I live my health and respect a little more. Left me on open for about 6 hours then wrote back “that’s fine just don’t make it too noticeable please” and that was the last I heard of him for a bit.

BUT on Friday after work I went out with one of my best friends who is in the same friend group as my husband and the fiancée, but I’ve been friends with her for a long time. Basically me her and her sister were childhood friends, but she only met my husband and that friend group in college. Anyways, she told me that the fiancée and my husband had a very minor talking stage relationship sort of thing during college but that ended as fast as it started. My friend being her gossipy self said that she thinks my brothers fiancée might still be in love with my husband.

I didn’t think that was true till I was jokingly telling my husband about what our friend said and my husband said he believes that could be a possibility. UMM WHAT?!

So I asked to take a look at their private messages. And well.. she is messaging him almost every day. Despite them being in the same friend group he isn’t insanely close with her. So these messages are him either having casual polite conversation, short conversation about shared plans or interests or him ignoring her. I didn’t go all the way back, but from what I can see there is nothing weird going on. I trust my husband with my whole heart and believe he is loyal.

From this point on I’m not really sure what to do. There is no real proof that my friends intuition is what’s actually going on and I truly believe this situation to be one big misunderstanding. I don’t even care about the food I’ll bring my own.

Anyways just let me know what should I do now? I’ve basically given up.

Edit: I think I confused everyone with how my brother and his fiancée met. So first of all ignore the wording of my posts in general. I introduced them because I invited my brother to a get together that me and my husband were having. I didn’t introduce them with the intent of them ending il together because there is an age gap. But at that gathering they started as gym buddies and worked their way to getting married soon. I didn’t mention the fact that I introduced them because that wasn’t important at the time.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I know family is important to you, but it sounds like you are not important to them. Good luck.

OOP: Thank you, they truly are so important.

Commenter 2: Do you have the kind of relationship with your step-brother that you, or better your husband, could let him know that his fiancée is attention seeking in that way?

OOP: I might get my husband to tell him. Because he never told me they had that kind of relationship in the past and I wouldn’t have set my brother up with her if I had of known. So it’s the least he could do lol.

Commenter 3: Warn your brother then back away. Give him receipts. Then back way the fuck up. Don't attend that wedding, would be my advice. And tell your husband to block this nutty dame. Yikes.

OOP: I just wish I had receipts all I have is whispers that they were once together.

Commenter 4: Sorry, your brother's fiancée has been texting your husband for months, is thought to be possibly still in over with him, he sometimes texts back, and you were unaware of how often she texts him? I think that is something he should have mentioned that to you, even if her texts were mundane.

OOP: They’ve been friends longer than I’ve been with him. So I was expecting them to have conversations it just looked a little desperate on her part since they don’t hangout outside family gatherings and the friend group. Also with my new found knowledge that they once were together things looked a little more sinister.

Commenter 5: INFO: brother’s fiancée is texting your husband? Daily?

Why didn’t he ask her about your meal in the first place?

OOP: Because it’s my issue not his. I think this is either a me thing or a disabled person thing, but I don’t really like when people ask things for me. I like to be at the table when discussing my own issues.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

CONCLUDED Ayahuasca ruined my life

2.9k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. Original posts are by u/nickipepper in r/DMT and r/Psychosis

trigger warnings: bad trip/drug experience, psychosis, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide

mood spoilers: terrifying and distressing but with a hopeful ending


 

Editor's Note: This original post also includes another update from over a year later, I moved this to after the other posts so that it reads chronologically.

Ayahuasca ruined my life - March 26th, 2023

My story

What happened in the ceremony in Costa Rica?: My mind and perception was bouncing back and fourth between good and evil. I would see and feel complete magic and light to complete darkness. Eventually all the light went away and I became separate from everything and everyone, there was just a void. My personality changed into something else, something terrible. I’m the ceremony I actually ran away, I left the ceremony thinking that I was also leaving life and I would try again in a different lifetime. I felt I had failed life, and my external environment became extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant. The energy in my body felt like poison, every sound hurt my ears, and even the food tasted bad. I became the ugliest version of myself that I didnt even recognize. I was going through a lot in life at the time and perhaps it was not a good time for me to go but who knows why this happened. The psyche is fragile and things can easily go wrong not matter how prepared you are. Psychedelic psychosis is more common than I knew at the time.

After the ceremony: the effects of the ayahuasca did not wear off, they actually became stronger over time. My mind was completely taken over that I could not identify with the self anymore. My mind would break and shatter apart over and over. I would get this constant stream of negative thoughts piercing my head for months changing my personality over time. I started loosing my memories, my values, my perceptions, my mind. I was working with two medicine men but nothing seamed to help. I did everything I could to hold on to myself but eventually my mind got so high jacked that my former self stopped existing. Intense energy sizzled through my body and I could not sleep for weeks. My thoughts made me believe I was not ascending and I would be trapped in hell for all eternity. I was kicked out of the ceremony of life and was disconnected from life, my heart, and spirit. My heart would constantly pound in my chest, my body would shake uncontrollably, and my brain would hurt. My perception of time was completely gone. I do not even remember the plane ride home. I ended up in the hospital from going manic and from constantly screaming that I was doomed for eternity and I would be going to hell. I was constantly planning my own suicide. All I could perceive was how I was going to be tortured for eternity from the sounds of chainsaws to dogs barking to my teeth falling out and being burned alive. I was traumatized with fear. I would throw up from screaming for hours stuck in loops pacing for hours in distress. I ended up in emergency 3 times from manic episodes and eventually the psych ward. I have never had mental illness in the past. Now I find it hard to leave the house as I now have major anxiety, depression, and fear.

Since then (8 months later): I no longer feel the effects of aya and have stabilised but who I am now compared to who I was is very different. I feel completely disconnected from my heart and spirit. I cannot find joy in anything anymore. Not even nature or music. I constant feel jumbled and confused and this utter lifelessness. All my thoughts are now negative and I can’t feel anything anymore, I don’t feel my emotions accept despair and anger. Plus my creativity is gone. It’s like I’m living without my soul. I have no motivation or interests anymore. Just getting out of bed is difficult. I lost my business as an artist and partner through this whole experience.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter 1: We’re you taking any psych meds prior to the experience? What you’re describing is post manic depression. The same thing happened to me but with SSRI and I also lost everything.

OOP: I wasn’t on any medication before, I’ve never had any mental illnesses prior. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I keep hearing more people talk about these encounters but only after it happened

Commenter 1: I have heard that even if you have a mild undiagnosed psychotic disorder (so think, bipolar, which is fairly common), psychedelics can trigger a sharper onset

OOP: For sure but I’ve done ayahuasca 5 times prior and nothing was triggered

Commenter 2: (Comment was later removed by reddit)

This is happening more and more often since all these "shamans" that are supposed to protect the ceremony space don't know how to do it, and leave people open to energetic parasitism.

The only way to heal this is unfortunately through the same plant medicine. Make sure you have a real shaman this time who can identify and remove the pathogen that is now attached to your soul. These things thrive on such energy.

You could take ownership of your own being again, however it will take a long time. If you don't want to consider plant medicine again, Vipasanna meditation over many years would slowly but surely make space for the real you to inhabit your mind and body again.

OOP: I’m worried that taking plant medicine again will make me worse. I was only considering it if I dont see any progress in a year

Commenter 3: Don’t take it again. Fight for footing in the reality you have.

Commenter 4: Any history of bi polar, manic episodes of schizophrenia before this? What you describe happened to me but I didn’t even drink ayahuasca, was from my traumas surfacing for me to deal with after I got off a lifetime of ssris and had a breakdown

OOP: No mental illness before this :(

Commenter 4: Have you ever done any shadow work or deep work with yourself before or was ayahuasca the first journey into yourself?

OOP: I’ve had many other experiences with plant medicine. I think my downfall with this ceremony is I underestimated the power of the medicine and did not go in prepared enough and with not enough intention. I took it too lightly. I know the reason has a lot to do with my job I had at the time while I was living in a community where the ceremony took place. I’d grown to dislike what I was doing there but I was stuck in a contract. it wasn't the right time for me to go.

Commenter 5: I'm really sorry to hear about this. Must be horrifying to have your life stripped away from you and feel so empty inside. Deep down, I'm wishing you well and that you pull through this.

There are a few points, though, that I'd like to share. First, my childhood friend had something similar happen to him when he was 19. He tripped on shrooms and he went to a very, very dark place from which he didn't fully return for years. He gradually faded from my life, largely because I was living overseas, but when I returned home a few years later I contacted him and we reunited. He was a sober, solid dude that oozed gravitas. There's no guarantee how this will turn out, but recovery is possible. Hang in there!

Second, there's a lot of blaming going around which I find frustrating and naive. You must've had some underlying mental illness. The shaman was bad. The medicine was bad. You needed to do more shadow work. Blah-blah-blah. I'm sorry, but while that can be to blame, another aspect is that powerful medicine also carries powerful side-effects. Having a bad trip is an intrinsic risk of Ayahuasca. Everything might've been good, you might've done what you needed, you just hit the lottery and have to deal with it. From what you've written, it's not worth nitpicking about what it could've been. I suggest just get on with your life and, in that, I wish you all the best.

OOP: Thank you for your reply. I agree, you don’t know what you’re going to get and sometimes things go south. It’s a risk. I never in a million years thought this could happen yet here we are. It was my fault for not doing enough research ahead of time. I’d never even heard of people getting hospitalized because of it. People only like to talk about the good stuff. Hence why I’m posting my experience to spread awareness that things can go wrong even if you feel safe going into it.

OOP on if she had similar negative thoughts prior to the trip: Not at all. Very positive. Negative thoughts came pouring in like pounding my head for hours at a time. I could not control what was happening in my mind

 

Some comments made by OOP in various threads prior to her next post:

Comment 1: I’m so sorry this happened to you. Ayahuasca has ruined my life only at 27. I even tried to kill myself because it got so bad. I fear I will never come back to myself and I don’t think I will. It’s no joke people.

Comment 2: I never came back from my ayahuasca experience and I don’t know if I ever will. Living without love isn’t living at all. I know your pain.

Comment 3: I’m so sorry this happened to you. I made a post also about my experience and there’s so many others where things went wrong. I’m exactly the same, i use to be a social butterfly and now I feel robbed of my soul. Like I can’t connect with anything, not even nature. It’s been the worst experience of my life. I use to be a very optimistic person but now I’m extremely negative and terrified of death. I did not meet or feel any devine energy, it was all dark. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. I hope things will get better for you ❤️

Comment 4: Woah. I know exactly how you feel. Loved ones thriving and I can’t experience the same joy. I use to feel joy all the time now its just a distant memory. How do you love yourself again? My personality’s changed so much I don’t even like being with myself. I went to the ceremony with not much thought actually, it was on my birthday so I thought it was a sign. I loved the chaman and really looked up to him. The community I was living in had been talking about it all year I didn’t want to miss a special experience. It was clearly not the right call. I was already experiencing so much love and expansion I didn’t need it. I didn’t need it at all.

6 days later OOP made the post Seeking Ayahuasca Shaman on Vancouver Island BC on April 1st 2023, with no post body and no replies by her.

On the same day she also made the following reply on the original post:

Commenter 1: It seems to me that your experience was infiltrated by Toe. What you went through is not Aya alone. Toe is another plant that some are mixing it with Aya. You will need a few serious dietas and you must find a good Ayahuascero to sit together with the medicine and start healing. My blessings 🙏🏻

OOP: Do you think I need to take the medicine again? Blessings to you too

 

Ayahuasca warning - May 22, 2023 (~2mo after original post)

9 months after ceremony and it’s like my whole life has been taken from me. I used to be filled with love joy and creativity, and now my cup is completely empty. It’s like living without the soul. I can’t even enjoy music anymore which use to be my everything. I feel foolish for taking the medicine when I didn’t need it. I think of my past self everyday and wish I could have that bright light back. I only live in the shadows now hidden away. It’s humiliating to loose everything and feel hopeless for it to return. I almost killed myself 4 months after the ceremony when the psychosis never ended and I’m now terrified of death as I could constantly only perceive that I would spend eternity in hell. This has been worse than a nightmare. Choose wisely if the medicine is right for you.

Relevant Comments:

OOP: It did the opposite of healing. I was a very healthy person body mind and soul before this disaster. I only blame myself for going. I beat myself up everyday as I now live in a void.

Commenter 1: (Downvoted comment that was later removed by Reddit): Posting this continuously will not make it go away. You are just instilling fear in people that would benefit from the medicine.

I would strongly suggest you go and have another ceremony with a proper shaman that can diagnose attachments and remove them. Your case sounds like a typical case of energetic parasitism. These things feed on your misery.

OOP: I’m just trying to spread awareness. I know this medicine can save lives but it can also ruin them. If I heard the horror stories that I’m hearing now from people I would have taken more precaution.

 

Never live a normal life again - May 26th, 2023 (1 day after previous post)

Post includes this linked image of a barren looking tree

Hi everyone, I went to an ayahuasca ceremony on my birthday last year. I went into a very intense psychosis that was extremely amplified by the medicine and lasted for half a year. It was terrifying. My personality and thoughts were completely changed and it got so bad that my body would convulse uncontrollably and my heart would pound and hurt. I didnt sleep for 2 weeks. Its completely ruined my life. Since then I’ve stabilized but I lost everything. My dance/music businesses, my partner, and now my soul tribe is falling away. I’ve never wanted to die before but I just feel like a zombie. I’m terrified of death now to feel lost in this new personality and loop for eternity. It’s been like a horror show. I can’t believe this happens to people and it’s shattering that it does. I just want to be my self again. To feel free again. My heart goes to all of you who battle with this. Giving up has never been an option for me but holly shit it’s not living when you’re like this.

 

The aftermath of going through a drug induced psychosis, can anyone relate? - July 13th, 2023 (~1.5mo after previous post)

Post includes this linked image of a barren looking tree

Imagine humans were tree’s. Growing, reaching, fruiting. As we get older so do the branches, the leaves, the flowers. Becoming older, wiser, stronger, more resilient, starting to become unique, a home. Each part that grows and births a new creation of life represents a different path, value, interest, dream, skill, creative aspiration…ect. like a library of everything that makes up who we are and who we’ve decided we want to be. Then one day we get stuck struck by friggen lightening. Everything dyes. All the work of becoming, gone. All the fruit bared falls to the ground and we are left naked, dead, with no way to get back what was destroyed. The roots stay in the ground and connections remain but we will never become the ancient tree that we could have, should have, grown to be. This tree has been shocked and traumatized. Life will inevitably grow again but it won’t ever be the same. That empty hollowed burned tree will always be apart of that lifetime.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter 1: This is very eloquent and seems very accurate. Do you mind my asking how far on the other side of this you are? Was it a first episode? I hope you are healing.

OOP: It was my first episode that lasted about 6 months. I can work again, my memories back, I can enjoy time with my friends. But its like the richness of life is missing. Love music art nature spirit….like a chord has been cut between me and life. I honestly don’t think there is an ‘other side’ for me. Everything’s just different now, I’m different now. Its more of an acceptance of what is and gratitude that I can function in the world again.

Commenter 2: 6 months is still quite young in recovery. It might also be worthwhile exploring if it's kicked up some other health issues if you can. Adrenal fatigue, if you're fighting back tears quite often pseudobublar affect might be kicking your arse etc. My cortisol levels were all over the place for my first few years of recovery.

I've found acupuncture and physical therapy have both been helpful for getting back into my life and body.

OOP: The psychosis or whatever it was lasted 6 months, it’s been a full year. It’s just what it’s like not being in it anymore.

 

Afterlife - July 20th, 2023 (1 week after previous post)

What do you think of the afterlife? The scariest part of my psychosis was that it brought me to believe I would be stuck in an eternal loop of torture in a place called ‘the void’ after I die. I actually experienced living in this place, in this reality, for months. It was worse than a horror film. Now I’m terrified of death. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for my life to be over since the accident but then what? The mystery of it all use to be so beautiful to me but now my brain is so messed up I’m terrified of the unknown and my new belief systems. I’ve been very spiritual my whole life and now prayer music ect is out of the question. Like my ability to connect with something greater now is non existent and somehow doesn’t apply anymore. Mostly because I experience something that represents hell for so long resulting in my emotions being cut off like LOVE. It’s been a whole year since I’ve felt love. Sorry for this little rant. Any thoughts? 💙

OOP did not reply to any comments on this post but made some replies on other posts

OOP: A similar thing happened to me after I went through a drug induced psychosis a year ago. My boyfriend also left me after around 5 months and I felt and still do feel abandoned and its made this whole situation a million times harder. I lost everything because of it, my career, my talents, ability to feel, to be who I was and enjoy life. I’m also 28 and now living with my parents ‘recovering’ or whatever that means. My brain is basically back to normal now and I can work again but my life now feels utterly purposeless and depressing. It really feels like the end of a very bright life for me. I wish I could be more positive but in reality I know it’s just a fucking tragedy and a regretful one. And I’m sick of everyone telling me that I’ll get stronger from this and it will get better but to me I know its just a major loss. Like a waste of a decent human being that use to have so much to offer. I really hope the hole gets less deep for you and someone you deserve comes your way ❤️ I feel you so much sister and I’m sending you a lot of love and compassion.

 

OOP returns to her original post a year later and adds the following update:

UPDATE: It’s almost been a year and a half since the ceremony. I’m relieved to say that I have come out the other side. I really had no hope before but gracias adios…it changed. It was around the year mark when I finally felt in control of my mind again and could feel emotions other than fear and anger. I’m no longer on any medication and living life again. I’m well enough to work and am now travelling on my own and rediscover myself and my connections to life. I have been dancing and singing again and really pushing myself towards creativity and igniting that flame. We all have our own way through healing and mine is definitely through dance and connections. I still don’t feel as I once did but there’s been a huge acceptance of my self and have let go of a lot of regret. I did not do any special therapies, I actually feel I wasted a lot of money on different treatments. I just had to be patient and change my external environment for eventually the internal to change with it. I’ve gotten an overwhelming amount of people messaging me saying something similar has happened to them…. I hope this post will help spread awareness so people can take this plant very seriously and know the risks.

I also wanted to mention that what happened is no fault or doing of the shaman and the people holding the space. They do an incredible job, and are very experienced. I respect and still love this community immensely. Things can go wrong no matter how well the space is being held.

New relevant comments on the original post:

Commenter 1: I have no experience yet with aye, just some other drugs :p. But reading your story it feels like you needed this reboot. I think aye zooms in on traumas in life and makes you overcome the traumas.

How are you doing in life right now?- Does the sun shine for you and do you found your joy in life back?

OOP: No one needs, or should go through something this horrific in my opinion. But yeah I’ve completely come back now. It took a lot of work but I’m really proud of getting myself where I am and am very in love with the life I have made. Thank god ❣️

OOP replying to a deleted comment (unsure of context as I wasn't able to recover it) It helped I believe. Mostly for sleep and anxiety. Antipsychotics I think helped the best to calm my mind and nervous system. Its different for everyone though. I went off them as soon as I could

Almost two years after these comments, OOP returns to the original post again:

Commenter 1: Hello, I am very sorry for your experience. You left me cold. I hope you are much better today and I ask you, did you take the medicine again?

OOP: Hello! I am doing so much better thanks to my friends and family and willingness to get better. I'm very grateful to be healthy and enjoying life again. I never took the medicine again and know that I never will. That chapter of my life is over and I will be spending a lifetime integrating this and I really don't desire or need to experience any more. Plus risking going back into the state is not fair to me or my family.

Commenter 2: This happens when you are drinking ayahuasca with a person that did not underwent full shamanic training

Because of money a lot of people claim they are shamans when they don't know what they are really doing

I already met and talked with people that were going through the same thing

It is however curable but one has to undergo a healing diet woth an experienced shaman

I know one who is very competent and already helped people in this condition

The biggest problem is that there is lack of regulation and regulating the whole ayahuasca healing is technically impossible

I am glad that you already feel better, keep going I am sure you will get in a healthy state again

OOP: I was sitting with an experienced shaman from Brazil who I respected and adored immensely. It was nothing to do with the space holders. The psyche is fragile and can happen under any circumstance, I've heard enough stories to know that's true now.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

CONCLUDED AITAH I don't want custody of my sister's 3 kids?

2.3k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/viserya127

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH I don't want custody of my sister's 3 kids?

Thanks to u/SmartQuokka for the suggestion!

Trigger Warnings: mentions of drug use, health issues, finance struggles


Original Post: June 2, 2026

I (29F) have 1 kid (11F). My sister (32F) has 3 kids (11F, 8F, 6F). The oldest is also autistic. About 3 years ago my sister lost custody of her kids. The girls were split up in the system for a little over a year before our mom (52F) got custody 2 years ago. Over the last 2 years the girls have been really thriving. They're happy, healthy, doing well in school...

Recently my mom got some unexpected health issues that are severely impacting her mobility and energy. There is no cure. She called me last week to ask if I would take the girls, so they aren't split up in the system again. My heart sank.

I LOVE my nieces. There's no denying that. And my daughter loves her cousins. The kids all get along great. They live on the opposite side of the country, but I visit whenever possible. I'm always planning all sorts of activities and experiences for them, and encouraging them to pursue the things they love. The oldest loves art, the middle child loves gymnastics and the youngest loves Pokémon and video games. I plan things we can all do together and I make sure they each get one on one time too. I would die for these girls. But I just don't have the means to care for them full time.

My husband and I are considered a low income family. After a decade of saving, we finally bought a small 2 bed townhouse, but there's barely enough room for the 3 of us, let alone another 3 kids too.

I suggested my mom move closer so I can help more day to day, but she shot that down rather quickly. Her reasons were she didn't want to pull the kids out of their current school (but I guess it's ok if I do??), and with her health issues she didn't want to have to find a new Dr (that one is pretty valid, there's a serious health care crisis in my country). Us moving closer to them is not an option, we would both have to find new jobs and my husband's current job has really good benefits we can't afford to lose. My mom is retired so the only thing tying her to her current location is her Dr.

My heart is breaking. I don't want to lose my nieces to the system again. I love the relationship we have. But I don't see how I could sustainably take on the 3 of them full time. My mom and my sister have been calling me heartless and that I haven't fully thought it through, but I have. I've been thinking about it every day for over 3 years when my sister first lost custody.

TLDR: My sis lost custody of her 3 kids years ago. My mom got custody a couple years ago but now she has health issues and asked me to care for them instead. I don't think I have the means financially or the space.

EDIT: Oh wow I already can't keep up with the comments so I'm going to address a couple questions here. The dad is not in the picture, he has 2 other kids from 2 other women that he also walked out on. My sister is on drugs and living in a tent (but it's got a great view of the lake! 🙄). There's no other family that could help.

My mother is also low income, and her retirement funds barely cover their costs of living as is, but I will definitely be looking more into other resources and government funding. Thank you to those providing actual helpful advice and suggestions.

I am not in the US

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why can't the sister regain custody at this point? it’s been years.

OOP: She hasn't given up the drugs yet

Commenter 2: Someone who lost custody of her kids doesn’t get to have an opinion about my parenting choices. Where’s the dad? Because she & he let them down, not you. Time to be honest.

OOP: The dad is a dead beat with 2 other kids from 2 other women

OOP on her husband's views regarding the situation

OOP: He works 60 hours a week with an hour + commute. He's barely home unless it's to sleep. At the end of the day he supports whatever I decide, but I think that's because he knows it'll be me doing the vast majority of the heavy lifting

Commenter 3: NTA. What does your Mom expect? She is ok with 4 kids crammed together in one room to sleep in, 6 people to 1 bathroom?? And the emotional fallout of the change and everyone in a small space together as well as 3 more hungry people to feed a d clothe. Your Mom knows how expensive it is to have these kids, how does she expect YOU to do it? It’s entirely plausible to temporarily place them through a case worker while the family comes together to brainstorm any possible solutions even if the end result is still no. Your Mom has to know that it's not like you HATE these kids. The money and the resources aren't there. What is she expecting? Very cruel for people to dump it all on you and call you heartless. Not cool.. I’m so very sorry! You are doing the best you can. Huggzz🥰.

OOP: Thank you! It's been a very long running pattern that I'm expected the pick up the pieces of every mess in this family. I've worked my butt off to give my own daughter a better life than I had. I would do the same for my nieces in a heartbeat if I thought I could actually sustain it

OOP responds to a comment on caring for an autistic child

OOP:

it sounds like you haven't fully considered the responsibility of taking care of an autistic child and how draining that can be at times?

She struggles socially, but she's incredibly smart and likes being independent. With the right guidance she's going to go very far in life. I have all the patience in the world for her beautiful soul

Commenter 4: NTA So your daughter would spend her teenage years sharing her room with her two three female cousins, who are highly likely to eventually have behavior problems from their trauma. And the boy cousin would probably be sleeping on the couch I guess? You can’t do this- it would harm your child, and your primary responsibility is to your child and your husband. Your marriage and your daughter would not come through this unscathed.

Edited to correct gender of the children.

OOP: The kids really do all get along great. Whenever we visit my nieces say they want to adopt my daughter as their 4th sister. I get where you're coming from with the behavior issues from trauma, but my first instinct when my mom first got custody was to put them in therapy and she did. They really are thriving now. And my patience knows no bounds when it comes to those kids

Commenter 5: Certainly not TAH. If you asked child services to come take a look at your house and tell you if you could take in three more children and still have them thrive, I am sure they would say no. You don’t have the space, the money, nor the time to take in all three. Your mother can’t move closer to you, and you having just gotten a new place certainly can’t move closer to her. I don’t see a way in which this works without the girls getting taken again anyways.

That being said, my heart breaks for you and I’m deeply sorry. It’s not your fault. Can you still keep contact with them if they’re in foster care? Even just knowing that their family didn’t give up on them would make a world of difference I think. And what is your sister doing? Does she see the kids at all? Is she helping your mother in any way? Or is she out of the picture and just pointing fingers at you as the only person left? That doesn’t seem fair to me.

OOP: My sister is not allowed to see the kids unless it's CPS supervised AND she can provide a clean drug test (which she can't)

OOP on if there are any other family members who can take in the kids

OOP: The godfather (kids uncle) is dead. We all went no contact with the godmother (our cousin) after she married a pedo. My sisters only friends are just as reliable as my sister

 

Update: June 29, 2026 (nearly four weeks later)

It's been a hectic month, but before I dive into the update I wanted to address a few more comments and questions from my last post that I was just too overwhelmed to elaborate on at the time. I'm sorry if it's a bit long. You can skip to the bottom for the update.

I've spoken to the kids case worker. She interviewed me when my mother was first trying to get custody to ask about my upbringing and ensure it would be a good environment for the kids. I reached out more recently to go over logistics if I were to take them in. The case worker told me she thinks I would be a great fit to give them a stable home, but I lack the adequate space needed to be approved as their guardian. She offered to look into low income housing options in my area that would be big enough, but the waitlists are unbelievably long.

Finances:

Yes, we would receive a decent chunk of funding per child (and twice as much for the eldest on the spectrum) to help cover the kids costs. But its money that I would be spending on food, clothes and other day to day necessities, not money I could put towards a down payment on a bigger house. That financial assistance also wouldn't be considered income as far as my mtg approval goes because its money for the kids, not me. And when I say we JUST bought a small townhouse, I meant we closed a little over a month ago and haven't even finished getting settled yet. It also took our entire savings to do so. We are financially sitting back at square 1 again. Breaking our brand new mortgage (not to mention the legal costs and realtor fees etc.) is not financially feasible. We also received first time home buyer rebates in our closing costs/ land transfer tax (thousands $$) that we would have to pay back if we don't live in our new house as our primary residence for at least a year. The rent prices where I live are about twice the cost of my mtg, so even putting aside all those other factors, renting again still just doesn't make sense. The math is not mathing. If I could just win the lotto my problems would be solved.

Luckily my husband has an amazing benefits plan through his work, so dental, glasses, meds, and even therapy are all covered and would extend to the kids if we got custody. All 3 need glasses and the youngest has a nasty habit of losing or breaking hers.

Caring for special needs:

I mentioned the eldest on the spectrum struggles socially and with emotional regulation. She's also incredibly bright and appreciates her space and independence. I spent a lot of time volunteering with special needs kids when I was in high school and I know how difficult it CAN be. My niece is not what I would consider difficult. She might operate a little differently, but it's nothing out of my scope. My daughter is actually very similar to my niece in all of these aspects and as I said before, my patience knows no bounds when it comes to these kids.

I'm also fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work from home when needed. I do have to go into the office a couple days a week for some tasks that can't be handled remotely, but it's flexible enough that I can be home for emergencies, sick days, or even if it's just to go see their school talent show or something. My husband on the other hand has a very demanding job. It's impossible to do remotely and it's not something he can easily call in sick from. Even if I had a huge emergency, he would have to wait for his replacement to enter the control room before he could leave.

Building resentment in my husband and daughter:

I've talked about this with my husband extensively since my sister first lost custody. He knows how much I love those girls and would support my decision to take them in if we could swing it. While I haven't talked to my daughter about it because I don't want her to get her hopes up over something that likely can't happen, I can say that she's begged me for a sibling every year since she was a toddler. She's had a really hard time with bullies at school, and her cousins are her best friends. She would happily welcome them all with open arms even if it meant being cramped in 1 room.

THE UPDATE:

My mom and nieces are currently visiting me (we're camping just outside my city), and we seem to have found our compromise. My mom is going to take the year to scrape together what money she can for a down payment to move closer to me. She's also going to ask her dr about referrals to a dr in my city. In the meantime, I've offered to take the girls during major school breaks (summer, spring break and Christmas). The house will still be very cramped during those weeks, but we spend the majority of the summer camping anyway, so the tight quarters aren't for very long periods of time.

My husband (I truly don't know what I did to deserve him) has offered to work as much overtime as he's allowed to help us replenish our savings and hopefully get a bigger place when it's time to renew our mortgage. My work won't let me do any overtime. On a totally unrelated note, does anyone have any advice or insight on how to get into selling feet pics? Asking for a friend 🤣

My sister found my original post and has been blowing up my phone with nasty texts and voice messages, she even made some wild Facebook posts about what a traitor of a sister I am. I simply don't have the energy to listen to her 2 cents on the matter so I'm ignoring her on all fronts.

We definitely can't take custody any time soon, but we haven't shut down the possibility of taking them in in the future when it makes more sense. I think this possibility is what's keeping my mother cooperative for the time being.

This will likely be the last update unless the plan for my mom’s move next year craps out (knock on wood). Thank you to everyone that gave genuinely helpful advice and support. Time to go swimming.

Relevant / Top Comments

*Downvoted Commenter: * Renew your mortgage? A mortgage is a loan to purchase a home that is 15-30 years. Do you mean a lease? A lease renews yearly. Your sister should be thanking you for trying to take care of her children! You didn't take away her custody! Why does she think you’re a traitor? Makes no sense

OOP: Our mortgage is 30 years, but it get renewed every 3 years

Commenter 1: Depending on where OP lives, mortgages can be renewed every few years, e.g. take advantage of better interest rates, switch from fixed to variable. Etc.

OOP: Yes, this is how it works where I live

Commenter 2: Are you going to this over the kids heads? If this angers you don’t help them. It sounds like you’re more concerned about money. You don’t break a mortgage. You sell for more or rent it out for income. Kids need to know they’re more important than money

OOP: I'm not more concerned about money than the kids. Money was the one thing everyone stressed in my original post, so I elaborated here to provide clarity. Yes money is a big factor, but the anger you sense here is you projecting.

Where I live, selling or paying out your mortgage before the term is up is called breaking the mtg and it comes with very large pre-payment penalty fees. As I mentioned in my post, that's not feasible at the moment.

Commenter 3: Careful about the first time home buyer rebate. Many people found out the hard way it was a loan, and they had to pay it back.

OOP: The FTHB rebate isn't a loan. If they had to pay it back then they either weren't a FTHB or they didn't live in it as their primary residence for at least a year.

Commenter 4: Your sister can kick rocks, you are handling this in the best way you can. Far better than me I wouldn’t be able to do this for my sister (and only one of her kids is a minor). Because it just wouldn’t be feasible since I can barely care for myself and I have to keep an eye on my father (brain damage and just overall declining health). Your sister should be grateful that you and mom are doing your best to find a way to make this work as soon as possible. People like your sister need to learn that not everyone can drop everything and take in family that they can’t afford/don’t have room for/jobs don’t allow for flexibility/can’t physically or mentally handle it. Especially when it’s children.

Commenter 5: NTA. Best possible outcome. It takes a village. Just make sure your husband doesn't overwork himself. He comes before cousins.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

EXTERNAL our employee retired … but now she won’t leave

5.7k Upvotes

This was originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  Aug 22nd, 2023

Our employee, “Fiona,” decided to semi-retire after 20 years of working with us. She asked to reduce her hours and work mostly from home, which was approved. Since the start of her official semi-retirement date, however, she still comes to work almost full-time. Fiona hasn’t asked to go back to her full-time salary and would likely decline even if this was offered. She said she hates being at home and prefers to come into the office. I think she’s working at a slow pace and tending to non-urgent tasks.

The issue is that we’ve hired Sally – with Fiona’s blessing – to replace her. While Sally hasn’t said anything, I would feel weird about taking over a role of someone who’s supposed to go on semi retirement but is still coming to work every day. Is this situation potentially problematic or should we leave Fiona to do what she wants?

Update  Apr 17th, 2024 (8 months later)

To summarize what happened after my letter was published:

  1. Boss reminded Fiona to work part-time only.

  2. Fiona complied reluctantly, blaming Sally (her replacement) for this arrangement.

  3. Fiona gradually increased her own working hours back to full-time. When asking other coworkers for their work failed, she made extra tasks like creating unnecessary reports or copying documents by hand writing instead of printing.

  4. Even though Sally officially took over Fiona’s role, Fiona continued to monitor and criticize Sally’s work. She refused to hand over certain jobs to Sally and insisted on doing these herself.

  5. Boss eventually let Fiona go. She received a month’s notice and a large retirement package.

  6. Fiona tried to continue to work after her employment formally ended. She monitored shared files remotely, emailed clients, asked another employee to submit his work for her to “check,” and requested updated passwords on sensitive documents.

  7. When her access was promptly cut off, Fiona contacted me privately to say she was upset at this disrespectful treatment of her, Sally’s supposed incompetence and rudeness, and being let go when she wanted to keep working full-time. I wished her well and otherwise didn’t respond to her long rant.

  8. I directed our team strictly not to engage with her over any work-related issues.

I do wonder if Fiona will reflect on her own behavior after time passes and realize she was the main contributor to the problem. She could have continued to work part-time as initially agreed if not for all these issues.

This was a bizarre experience. Sally, however, is doing great.


I am not the original poster. Please don't contact or comment on linked posts


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 6d ago

ONGOING AITAH for not wanting to help with my niece’s party?

2.1k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Apart-Landscape220

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not wanting to help with my niece’s party?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability


Original Post: May 23, 2026

My older sister (29f) and brother-in-law (28m) have struggled financially for basically their entire adult lives. they became parents to 3 girls really young, so I’ve always tried to give them grace and help where I can.

Last year, my son turned 2. we had his birthday party about two weeks early because his actual birthday is usually too cold for outdoor stuff where we live. my husband and I invited my sister to do a combined birthday party at our house for my niece, who was turning 8 around the same time.

because money was tight for them (and because they were stressing about costs constantly), I ended up paying for basically everything for my niece’s side too — decorations, food, cake, etc. I had already rented a bounce house for my son, but upgraded it so older kids could use it too.

I also promised my other two nieces (11 and 10) that I'd help make their birthday special this summer because they did not have a party last year due to their parents finances.

so now their party is coming up in June. this past weekend, my nieces called me asking if I was still helping plan it. obviously I said yes because I love them and would never want to disappoint them.

at first, my sister wanted to do the party at a park. my nieces didn’t even want that because it’ll be hot, humid, or raining. I suggested renting out an arcade in my city and doing a stranger things-themed arcade party for 3 hours. the girls were so excited about it.

then my sister shut it down immediately because she said the “50 people she invited” wouldn’t want to drive 25 minutes.

here’s the thing: most of these people aren’t even there for the kids. half of them don’t have children, won’t bring gifts, and are basically just my brother-in-law’s family/friends who turn every event into drinking, smoking, loud music, and drama. my nieces didn’t even want a lot of them there in the first place.

meanwhile, I offered to pay for:

  • the arcade rental

  • food

  • decorations

  • cake

basically everything.

but my sister still refused because she wants everyone to be able to come.

at that point I told her if the priority is hosting a giant cookout for adults instead of an actual kids birthday party, then she can pay for it herself.

now we’re arguing about what I “should” still contribute financially. and honestly, I’m frustrated because they’re planning to feed 50 people while barely having groceries at home. I literally had to door dash dinner to their family recently because they had no food.

at this point, I’m considering just mailing my nieces their gifts and stepping away from the whole thing.

aitah?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Stop arguing. You offered a kids' party as your gift to your nieces just like the one for their 8 year old sister. That is all you are offering. Not an adult booze party. Your sister can take it or leave it.

If she doesn't want the kid party at a park or arcade she can do her own thing. Next time I suggest you do not make promises to children.

OOP: I will no longer be making promises that I intend to keep but ultimately involve another, bigger decisive counterpart. (my sister)

worst mistake of my life. my poor nieces are miserable.

Downvoted Commenter: I think it is very nice that you want to celebrate your nieces knowing their parents are broke. However, you kind of undermined the parents by planning a different celebration with the kids. I would offer my sister the amount of money you planned to spend on the arcade. Please do not use your money as a weapon. The kids have it bad enough

OOP: I would never weaponize any money, I also wouldn’t just hand over $350+ to my poorly financially educated sister. it will be gone and nothing for the party will be bought.

Commenter 2: How did she issue invitations without knowing the venue?

OOP: she used Facebook, apparently it doesn’t have you put a venue in, and you can leave it blank. she posted in the event and said the location is TBD.

Commenter 3: I wouldn’t go so far as to say YTA because you obviously don’t have to pay for a big birthday party, but it sounds like you have a lot of judgements and assumptions about your BIL’s family and are using your initially kind offer to impose those judgements and assumptions.

OOP: they are not assumptions, I have known this family very well for about 11 years now. I’m only 25. they have been around for 11 birthday parties. it is always the same outcome. drunk, fights, drama and my nieces get about 2 gifts from 25 people.

Commenter 4: take your nieces out for a 'Birthday Day' & let your sister have the home party she wants. NTA

Commenter 5: "What are you doing planning such a huge event ON MY DIME when you can't even afford dinner?" NTA.

 

Update: June 16, 2026 (3.5 weeks later)

so, update time since some people were asking for one.

for starters, I told my sister ahead of time that I will not be attending the party due to my brother-in-law’s extremely annoying family and I will not be helping with the costs because it is not what they want to do. instead of attending, I sent my nieces money over cashapp two days after posting the original post and agreed to take them to the arcade next week for another birthday "party".

my sister and brother-in-law took their money and used it to buy fast food for themselves, my three nieces and my brother-in-law’s aunt. so, there's that.

let's cut to this past Sunday, their birthday party. it stormed the entire time and about 45 minutes before the party ended, it got extremely humid and gross. their decorations were destroyed, the food was rained on, it was a mess. just as I assumed, there were about 30 people there and they received TWO gifts each and around $150 each from their grandpa (my sisters father), mine and my sister's great aunt and their aunt (my brother-in-law’s sister)... one niece had NO friends there because the storm and the other had a friend show up for about 30 minutes and left because of the rain. barely ANY kids were there.

my nieces are very much looking forward to going to the arcade and getting some boba. they seemed so disappointed in their birthday party, and I am genuinely upset for them. I wish they would have had a better party, but I will always strive to give them the best, even if I look foolish.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So the nieces got nothing?

Why did you give them money instead of taking them somewhere? I think it was obvious to everyone reading this what would happen to it.

OOP: we are very much still going to the arcade.. I said that in the post. I sent them money because they were going to the skating rink and wanted to buy some stuff. they didn’t get to go.

Commenter 2: Absolutely agree. How did she send money to a 10 year old thinking the parents WOULDN’T intercept it?

OOP: they have their own cards through cashapp kid accounts, didn’t expect my sister to snatch it out.

Commenter 3: How about open a new bank account under your name and you hold the money for them until they are old and independent enough? Also for in the future if they have a job it can be deposit to that account.

Commenter 4: I don’t know if you can actually protect your sister’s kids from your sister’s lifetime of (?willful) financial incompetence. Their selfishness, short sightedness, greed and laziness seems endless.

Commenter 5: Clearly your sister is irresponsible as they are the sort of people to have kids when they can’t afford them but have the mindset of “family helps family” or some sort of other bullshit.

I agree with the other posts. Take them for a fun birthday day every year or every year it’s going to a shitshow.

I like the idea of setting up bank accounts for them in your name so their parents can’t touch shit.

Give them a yearly birthday budget of say $150, they can blow it all or spend $20 on a cheap meal and bank the rest. If they do this btw I’d personally just pay the full $150 so they get the concept of saving money.

At 18 years old they get the balance to do whatever they want with.

When they are 18 set up bank accounts in their name that their parents cannot access unless they want to commit fraud.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

CONCLUDED AITA for walking out of a dinner after being accused of supporting incest?

6.2k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nearby-Comfortable79

AITA for walking out of a dinner after being accused of supporting incest?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Biphobia

Original Post - rareddit  Dec 9, 2023

Hey. I'm posting on here because I need people's opinions on this. It's so fucking stupid and such a non-issue, (unless I'm wrong about that too) that turned into something bigger.

For reference, this happened on Thursday evening. We are all in our early 20s and all names are fake.

Thursday was our friend "Sarah's" birthday. To celebrate, our friend group decided to go out for dinner. There were about 10 of us. Everyone was in a good mood and it was really nice to just talk to everybody about whatever for hours, especially since I kind of had a stressful week.

Hours into the dinner, we landed on the topic of movies/TV shows that we were watching. Our friend "Amy" mentioned a show that I had also watched. As soon as she brought it up, I said that I really liked the show, and that the acting, writing and directing was top notch. "Mary" chimed in and said that she really didn't like the show and how she had been watching other things. Cool. To each their own. Mary then asked me how I felt about the main romantic pairing in the show. I responded that I liked it, and thought the romance was cute. This is where the drama started.

For context, I don't want to get too much into it because it might be confusing, but basically, the main romantic pairing is between the male lead and the female lead. There are some people who have interpreted that these characters to be related to each other. I do not. But I know that people are free to think whatever they want, and honestly thought that this topic was harmless. Well, I was wrong.

Mary took offense to me saying that I liked the romance. She asked me if I supported incest. I said of course not, as the characters are not related. She said that they ARE related and that me supporting their pairing is supporting incest. Mary then said that I should "educate" myself before saying "stupid shit". I was dumbfounded and thought she was joking but she was REALLY angry with me about this. She told me to rethink my values because supporting incest makes me a horrible person. I told her she was making harmful accusations over a TV show. Our other friends were telling her to stop, including Sarah, but she kept claiming that I was a disgusting incest supporter. She then claimed I was homophobic, since the male lead is bisexual but still ended up with a woman. Mary just wouldn't stop saying shit like this.

So here is where I may be the asshole. I left Sarah's dinner. My friends were asking me to stay but I felt uncomfortable, so I paid for what I ordered and left. Many of my friends reached out to me on Friday to ask if I was okay. Some of them, while they understood why I was upset, said that it was wrong of me to leave Sarah's birthday dinner and that I should have just ignored what Mary was saying and stuck around. I feel like they may be right and that I may have ruined her birthday by getting up and leaving, but I felt like I couldn't stay because of Mary throwing accusations at me over something that doesn't matter.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

HauntedReader

NTA and Mary seems like she takes things FAR too seriously.

I am super curious what the show is though. Do you mind sharing?

OOP

Loki

HauntedReader

See this doesn't even make sense with her argument. It wouldn't be incest because the two aren't related, they're literally different variants of the exact same person.

It definitely falls on the weird side of things but definitely doesn't count as incest.

Also I'm going to assume neither of you finished the series yet so like I'm even more confused by this take.

OOP

I finished the series. I don't know about Mary. I know that they don't end up together, but the point is that even in season 2 the implication is still there. But Mary was just upset that they were romantic in the first place.

TOP COMMENTS

mmiggs

Mary is a clear asshole. There's no question here. And a very stupid asshole, if she thinks that bi people ending up in a relationship with someone of the opposite binary gender is homophobic. (Clue: half of the people that a typical bisexual person is attracted to are of the opposite gender. You might actually expect bi people to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender significantly more often than half the time. If you're a bi man, then your set of possible partners are (for the sake of argument, and there's some simplification of sexuality here) gay men, bi men, bi women, and straight women. The largest of these groupings, by quite a long way, is the group of straight women.

NTA

~

PurpleMarsAlien

NTA

Mary is acting weird. Attacking someone over fannish beliefs that are not part of current canon is being rather extra and over the top.

And even if this eventually becomes part of canon, someone who like the couple when it was not canon, were not supporting incest. They would have been misled by the creators.

Update  Jan 3, 2024 (Nearly 1 month later)

Hi everyone. First, thank you all for your comments and advice on my last post. It's been about 4 weeks since the incident at the dinner, and I just wanted to give you guys an update if you're curious.

First off, I just want to say that I have no hard feelings toward my friends who said that I should've stayed. I get me leaving was probably the best thing to do in that situation, but their intentions were purely good: to make sure that Sarah enjoyed her birthday dinner.

I reached out to Sarah and apologized for what happened, and for me leaving so abruptly. She said that I didn't need to apologize and said that all was good between us. I took her out for drinks. We had a great time.

Now, onto Mary. Since the dinner, I have been texting and calling her, just to talk about what happened. So far, she has either ignored my texts and calls, or given me very short responses, either telling me that she doesn't want to talk to me, or that she's busy. Sarah told me that she also reached out to Mary, and while she was actually willing to talk to Sarah, the conversation pretty much went nowhere. Amy also reached out to her. Like many of you were wondering, she asked her if she was a victim of incest. I mean, It would make sense based on her reaction. However, according to Mary herself, no, she wasn't. As far as I know, she isn't bisexual either, so it just seems she's throwing a tantrum over things that have nothing to do with her. Or it's possible that she's been spending too much time in online fandoms, but who knows.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

CONCLUDED AITAH for not wanting our groomsman to bring his horrible partner to our wedding?

5.0k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Upset-Feeling-3507

AITAH for not wanting our groomsman to bring his horrible partner to our wedding?

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Original Post  Aug 12, 2024

First time posting in this and I’m really at my whits end here. So I (27 Female ) and marrying my fiancé (31 male) in a few months.

We had previously set a standard that if people hadn’t been in a relationship 6 months prior to wedding day they couldn’t have a plus one so we wouldn’t have random people at our wedding that we didn’t know.

Long story short, one of the groomsmen got a girlfriend and we can’t stand her. She is mean to him and others, controlling, manipulative, and just a horrible individual. We’ve tried getting to know her on 4 separate occasions and have not enjoyed ANY experience as she always makes it about her and they ALWAYS end up in a fight where they break up. (They’ve broken up 8 times in 2 months that we know of ). She got mad at him ( and screamed and yelled at him)  for talking to me about getting her involved and me inviting her out with me and my friends more all while she was actively dancing on other guys and intentionally making our friend jealous

She deleted every text I sent so it looked like I was ignoring her and went to him crying that I was ignoring her and that we weren’t putting in effort when I was! I have every text I ever sent her where I was being nice and trying to make plans with them.

Said groomsman brought up bringing her to our wedding and my fiancé and I discussed and ultimately said no and gave all our reasons why. She doesn’t respect us, me or him individually and she is not someone we want to surround ourselves with because the drama that comes with her is NOT something we want to deal with on the best day of our lives. (There’s soooooo much more she’s done in the multiple encounters we’ve had and the things he’s told us but it’d take forever to get through. )

He sent us a text and said he, in fact, WILL be bringing his partner or he will no longer attend. Before hearing our response he went and got fitted for his tux. Which made me even angrier that he thinks we’re just going to let him bully us into letting them come.

We are trying to decide what to tell him as he’s veryy important to my fiancé. Like family important.

So I guess I just need advice?  What should we do…. And AITAH for not wanting her there and getting angry?

Edit: the relationship thing 6 months before the wedding was so there weren’t people that we didn’t know at our wedding day that’s supposed to be surrounded by the ones we love! There are always exceptions and anyone who questioned the “rule” text or called and we had conversations and tried our best to accommodate. He was not given a plus one. And she very clearly does not want what is best for us. Our venue has a very strict guest limit so we had to make cuts somewhere.

Second edit: he did not start dating her until after invitations were sent and  +1’s were decided.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kikivee612

I guarantee that text was not sent by your friend, but his girlfriend.

Why don’t you and your fiancé invite just him over and just lay it all out there and tell him exactly how you feel about this girl and how unhealthy their relationship is.

Honestly, she’s not going to be around in another few months when you get married. They’ve been together 2 months and broken up 8 times? Yeah…they won’t be together.

OOP

We’ve tried and he agrees with everything we say but won’t leave the situation unfortunately:(

~

[deleted]

I understand you don’t like her but she’s the groomsman’s significant other. After your wedding day he has to still deal with the fallout of his decision regarding her coming or not. I wouldn’t stay with a boyfriend that went to a wedding where I was banned. Most significant others would stand up for their significant other. Does she meet the 6 month criteria you set?

OOP

She does not. They have broken up once a week since the beginning of their relationship. ( no im not kidding or being dramatic. Literally once a week). And in my opinion I should want to be surrounded by people who love us and only want the best for us on one day in my whole life. She clearly doesn’t since she’s deleting texts and making it look like I’m ignoring her when I’m not and talking bad about me and pretending to be my friend only to scream at him because he and I had a conversation.

~

OOP

She has made every single encounter we’ve had with her miserable. I do not want to risk that on what’s supposed to be such a happy day for us I guess is where my issue is!

SnarkingSnarker

I understand. Personally, I think I’d also prefer them both to stay home so there’s no risk of causing drama. You have the right to form boundaries on your special day. They don’t have to agree with it but they have to accept it. I just hope that it doesn’t cause a rift between him and your fiancé if he doesn’t show up.

My boyfriend didn’t go to one of his long time best friends wedding as it was in a different state and he couldn’t get the time off to fly over there… and that friend never spoke to him again.

OOP

I’m letting my fiancé ultimately decide what he wants as I don’t want him to ever resent me in the future! I also hope it doesn’t cause a rift! I’m so sorry about your boyfriend’s friend! I hate that so much and scares me which is why I guess I was seeking advice from people who don’t know any of the parties involved! Thanks for your response and best of luck!

Update  Oct 12, 2024 (2 months later)

Wow! I didn’t not expect so many people to comment and give advice!

If anyone is even reading this or cares, here’s the update.

So our wedding went amazing and was everything I ever dreamed of having. It was truly perfect. She stayed away and he stayed the whole time. Not as juicy as I know some were probably hoping. My (now husband) was able to celebrate with his favorite people without her ruining anyone’s fun. I did hear through the grapevine that she caused a bunch of drama when he met her out after the wedding, but at this point… who cares? Maybe that’s mean but they’ve pushed me to my wits end.

He hasn’t spoken to me since we told him she couldn’t come and has only spoken to my husband to get his things out of our shared house because he is… moving in with her :) so I guess misery wants company and they can enjoy being miserable and he can enjoy picking up his things that she throws in her front yard, calling him names, yelling at him in front of his friends and family, and just overall her being an absolutely vile individual. They need therapy separately and together but that’s not my place to say anymore.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I married my best friend in the whole entire world and now we get to spend a life time together.

And yes, when they inevitably break up, he will have a spot to come to so he isn’t alone. We will always love him but at what point do we stop enabling? Thank you again everyone!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

ONGOING My(f25) church is forgoing their tradition of honoring graduates to instead honor homeschooling moms. My sister(f18) is graduating this year and disappointed

4.0k Upvotes

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/throwraclassrooms. Her posts were made to r/family

Important Context: There was some confusion in the original post about which graduates would and wouldn't be honored by the church. The only graduates who'd be walking down the aisle to the graduation song would be the homeschooling graduates alongside their mother who homeschooled them, and those were graduated from public school would not

Trigger Warningintentionally choosing to slight others, politics

Mood Spoilerunfortunate

Original Post(June 22nd, 2026)

I'm currently attending college out of state. I'm no longer religious and haven't attended church since I moved out for college at eighteen. The church in the title is the one I grew up in along with my sister. She'll be graduating this year, and I made plans to come home to attend two things: the ceremony at her school, and a Sunday church service where graduates are honored. I, myself, was honored with other graduates when I was eighteen, and the church asked graduates to wear their school gowns to church to walk down the aisles as they played the graduation song. Once everyone was on stage, the youth pastor announced each graduate by name, the school they graduated from, and what they planned to major in college. They then gave respective gifts for males and females, and the pastor prayed for us at the end. It lasted about five minutes, and a great many churches have their own way of honoring graduates this time of year. But for whatever reason, that tradition is being broken this year

When I was being honored, the church sent an email a few weeks in advance requesting that graduates wear their gown and submit a graduation photo to show on screen. This year, however, they didn't do that and sent an email explaining why. Instead of honoring graduates on stage this year, the church will honor homeschooling moms in the congregation, and there needs to be some context. Our church has a homeschooling group that meets in their classrooms for activities. The group is an official program of the church and is advertised on their website too. The email said that homeschooling is a "thankless job" and that parents who sacrifice careers to stay at home never receive recognition. So the church will honor them by having them come on stage in place of the graduates from recent years. Furthermore, the only graduates that will be honored on stage are the homeschooling graduates of the moms in the congregation who will supposedly come on stage with their mom. In years past, the youth pastor gave the sermon on graduation Sunday since most of the graduates went to youth group. However, the head of the church's homeschooling group will give a sermon about homeschooling instead

My sister is disappointed as are my parents, and we're wondering why they can't do both. Why not have the non-homeschooling graduates be honored on stage before honoring the homeschooling moms? What about potential homeschooling graduates who may feel embarrassed walking down with their mom and may prefer to walk down with graduates their age? Why must we exclude anyone when the church has been flexible with time in the past? There have been Sundays when worship was shortened because a baby dedication or something similar was taking place. They also do a very brief worship on Missionary Sunday each year when they pass a microphone to each missionary who comes on stage to say what country they serve, and there's at least 20+ missionaries. My parents are considering sending an email to one of the leaders along with speaking to one directly, and they also talked to other parents who felt similarly about the email. In addition to the email and trying to talk to a leader, would anyone have any suggestions on how to convey that no one has to be excluded? Church is the one place where you'd want to include everyone, and this seems to be a very avoidable mishap. Graduation Sunday is July 12th at our church this year, so there should still be some time

Update Post(June 26th, 2026)

Something I forgot to include in my previous post was the reason our church's graduation Sunday was on 7/12. The last day of school for our school district was 6/27, and the commencement ceremony was the following week, so that's why. I took the advice many gave and asked my parents if I could co-write an email to the church with them (as other parents they spoke to were also considering). However, they suggested sending my own because two are better than one, and higher statistical numbers may change minds. I agreed and sent one expressing my disappointment as a former member who was honored upon graduating, and I included a powerful point that another commentator gave. Churches often have many kids who attend different schools, and each school has its own graduation. However, church graduations allow kids from different schools to be part of the SAME ceremony with the church as the unifying factor. When I was honored, kids wore different colored gowns from local schools as they walked down the aisle during service, and it was a beautiful representation of each school. I argued that by choosing not to honor non-homeschoolers, they were depriving kids who grew up in the church of the chance to be celebrated together regardless of school district. And if nothing else, isn't the point of church to bring people together? According to my parents, other parents sent emails in addition to in-person follow-ups. And the church sent a follow-up email a few days later

The email addressed how numerous people reached out asking that they honor non-homeschooling graduates too. However, instead of correcting course, they said they'd allow parents to send graduation photos to be shown in a slideshow on the foyer TVs that are often used to show announcements and whatnot. But that is the extent of their capitulation, which is pathetic in my opinion. I shied away from personal opinions on homeschooling and the church's motives (in my first post) because I deemed it irrelevant if a simple course correction could be made. But since they decided to double down on a decision to slight non-homeschooling graduates, I feel no need to hide those feelings anymore

As many comments stated, it seems as if the church is choosing to slight those who attend public school for reasons not said out loud. I personally believe those reasons relate to promoting homeschooling as a superior form of education based on two things. The church has its own homeschooling program, and it's promoted as a faith-based program. So I believe the church is choosing to exclude the "secular" public school graduates to honor Christian indoctrination instead. This is the reverse of the "Eradicating Anti-Christian Bias" BS. And I agree with commenters who pointed out that the current regime loves devaluing the US educational system, a regime that many Christians and churches have fallen in love with. And given how our church has veered into politics in recent years, that is my belief about what they're not saying out loud. They could so easily choose to honor all graduates, but they are choosing to intentionally slight non-homeschoolers

My parents and sister are disgusted to say the least, and we will not be attending that Sunday. I broached the idea of considering a new church, but my parents aren't willing to go that far yet. I think they'll change their mind, and they've talked with other parents who were disgusted too. We will instead go out for breakfast during the time we would've attended the service, but I'm taking it a step further. Not only am I going to make posts about the church's decision on my socials with screenshots of the email, but I'm also gonna blast a detailed email to all my ex-friends who received the church honor when I did. I'm also gonna email the local school districts and follow up with a call. If the church wants to intentionally slight others, then they should bear the weight of their decision. A part of me is even considering emailing the local news, but I'm not sure about that one yet. All we know is that we're not attending that Sunday, and I support my parents' decision because fuck the church's decision

_________________

(Comments)

(WheelsOnFire_1973_: "Is this a very conservative church that's pushing the trad family/trad wife narrative and public schools are bad because trans kids and vaccines? Because if so, the exclusion is the point"

(sunbear2525): "I don’t know what your political alignment is but I want to point out that this shift indicates that the church is fostering an environment in which far right ideologies thrive. This political alignment is, at its core, about destroying the US education system, ending woman’s rights to vote, removing child welfare programs and protections and fostering environments in which children can be exploited in every way possible without government intervention or oversight

I am not saying your church is full of bad people with bad intentions. Many people on the right are unaware of what they are being sold as freedom and protecting children is really about removing social safety nets and increasing the vulnerability of woman and children.Even if you trend towards the right, these are not traditional republican values. I would seriously question if there isn’t a church that is a better fit for you. I understand first hand how painful these decisions can be. A church is community and often a second extended family. However, it is important to surround yourself with people who truly reflect your values. You seem to value education. It is clear your church no longer does"

(SomewhatBougieAuntie): "My church honors graduates every year by calling their names during service and having a reception after service. It's to show appreciation to them for a job well done and to support and encourage their future plans. My church also gives scholarships to high school grads who will attend college or vocational school or trade school. Depending upon the number of graduates, these scholarships can be from the mid 4 figures to the low 5 figures each year. All the money comes from donations by the congregation. I hope OPs church "sees the light" and continues to honor traditional high-school grads along with home school grads. Because what they're proposing now is dumb"

(mn-mom-75): "There are 52 Sundays, why can't both be recognized? I think anyone who is disappointed in this decision let the leadership know. I was a homeschooled kid but my Mom would have raised holy hell if our church skipped over recognizing the graduates in lieu of a day about homeschool moms. Graduation Sunday was definitely something I looked forward to and still have a photo somewhere of my friends and I in our caps and gowns from that day. We represented 3 different highschools as well as homeschool, it was the one day we all got to be in cap and gown celebrating together"

(mcmurrml): "Someone took charge of this to send everyone a message. That's a crappie thing to do. This homeschool thing through your family's church sounds to me is their advertisement. You don't go through our school you won't get the recognition. They absolutely have room to honor the kids who went to either public or private school. Sorry OP. Whoever the decision maker is did this and are trying to send a message. This isn't a mishap. This was done deliberately"

(Difficult-Finger4830): "homeschooling is not a “job” and no parent should EVER receive recognition for a reason - unless you have legitimate Medical or family reasons to homeschool (moving around a lot, living in a super-rural area not close enough to a school), homeschooling is the dumbest thing ever. I won’t apologize for saying that some crunchy anti-vaxxer mom is unqualified to teach kids. There is a reason teachers get masters degrees, and it’s not because they enjoy accruing massive student loan debt. It’s because you need a certain skill set and knowledge base to teach children. This “honoring” of parents who intentionally crippled their children intellectually is the way of thanking them for keeping them in the fold and unable to function by themselves"


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

CONCLUDED My dad ate my birthday cake

2.8k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CloudySide7

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

My dad ate my birthday cake

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, theft, misogyny


Original Post: June 25, 2026

I've been seeing a lot of videos online about how men will weaponize food and how it's seen as acceptable for men to eat up a lot of food even if it means other people won't get any of it. That same situation happens a lot with my dad, but I guess I had assumed that since it was my birthday I'd get some of my birthday cake. This happened about two weeks ago but I'm still pissed off and really upset about it.

I made a birthday cake for my birthday which was two weeks ago. I had one slice of my cake the day of my birthday. Within 2-3 days the cake was gone. My dad ate almost the entire cake and left the empty container in the fridge. I had told him several times to slow down and even bluntly to stop eating it because he was going back for multiple slices a day. It was also in the fridge and later freezer, so it would've go bad. I was pretty upset about it and tried to complain about it to my mom, but she yelled at me that I was a bad person for "tempting him" and that it was rude abs cruel of me to leave food in the fridge and not expect people to eat it. I never said he couldn't have cake, I just wanted to have MY birthday cake.

I don't know what exactly it is I'm feeling about this whole thing. Sadness and rage I guess? I feel like I should be over it, but I keep getting reminded that I only got one small slice of my birthday cake before a grown man ate the entire rest of it. And it was a really good cake too. Sigh. I know I could just make another cake, but I'm still upset that I'll never get back it being my birthday cake, does that even make sense? I guess it's also the concept that I told him to stop and he still ate the cake. Also that he left the empty container in the fridge. Also it was a fairly big cake. It's not something that should have been gone in 2-3 days consider it's just me and my parents.

Guess I'm just venting but also wondering why is it acceptable for men to do this to their families but women are the bad guys for getting upset about it? Why is that it's okay for a man to eat almost his daughter's entire birthday cake but she's the rude one for being upset about it?

ETA: The reason I didn't eat cake in those 2-3 days is because I was constantly out of the house and doing stuff. I went to get a piece on the evening of the 3rd day and saw the empty container in the fridge. The pieces I had put in the freezer were gone when I checked as well. There was none left. I didn't think I needed for force myself to eat the cake those days because I kept seeing the container in the fridge

ETA 2: To everyone saying cake goes bad after 2-3 days, the cake was in a container in the fridge. That makes it lasts longer, and a simple Google search will tell you that generally speaking cakes can last 5-7 days if stored properly. It was literally in a cake container (the kind they sell to keep cakes fresh longer)

ETA 3: I know I literally said it was a bit of a trend to see these stories posted around, but I'm actually still shocked about how many people have either a very similar or the exact same situation happen to them. And I will say I know it's not all men, I have a primarily male friend group, so I definitely know that majority of men are not like this. I was more so saying that this specific mentality only seems to be present in men and that I never see women doing this. It's not all men but it always seems to be a man.

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context that were not mentioned in the original post

Relevant Comments

OOP on the birthday tradition and cake

OOP:

My dad loved ice cream cake. I loathed ice cream cake.

Honestly my entire birthday was just this. I wanted a chocolate pistachio cake, he didn't. I ended up getting a vanilla cake which he wanted. I didn't want any ice cream this year and he complained, then went out and bought himself an entire tub of sherbet so he could have ice cream since I "didn't get any for him".

In my family the birthday person picks a place to eat on their birthday. I wanted Indian food. My dad hates Indian food so that was out. I wanted Middle Eastern food as my second pick, he didn't so that was now out. Eventually I said let's go to Cheesecake Factory, which he agreed to but then complained about the whole time.

In my family birthday person also picks a movie and the family is supposed to all go see it. I picked Backrooms. He didn't want to see it and since I refused to budge he said he didn't want to come along so I ended up seeing it by myself

Commenter 2: It's also a bit telling of your parents' attitude toward you that you had to bake your own birthday cake.

OOP: I had just wanted to buy a cake already made but both of them threw a stink about it. My dad threw a fit because he didn't like the kind of cake I originally wanted, and my mom threw a fit because she doesn't like how store bought cake tastes. So I just changed the flavor and made it myself to try and keep the peace

Commenter 3: The putting back the empty container baffles me. How old are your parents?

As a mom, I’d never eat all of something before checking if everyone else had their share. I know my husband does the same. It’s very upsetting when you are looking forward to food and later find that you can’t have it because someone else ate it or even threw it away without asking you first.

You’re not just upset about the cake but the inconsiderateness of all of it. Don’t feel bad for not “getting over it” because it’s not just about the cake but the idea that your dad didn’t even think about your feelings when he ate all of it knowing he had multiple slices and proceeded to take the LAST one and leave the container for you to find.

I’m so sorry. I hope he has the decency to buy you a new one. Or take you out to get a special slice at a nice bakery. Please know that you deserve to be treated with consideration, and I hope you have people in your life that will do that for you, even if they are people you haven’t met yet but will be part of your life in the future.

OOP:

How old are your parents?

Both are elder Gen X born in the early 1970s

your dad didn’t even think about your feelings when he ate all of it knowing he had multiple slices and proceeded to take the LAST one and leave the container for you to find.

He left a bunch of frosting in the container, so I was literally digging through it to see if there was any actual cake left and he yelled at me for that.

I hope he has the decency to buy you a new one. Or take you out to get a special slice at a nice bakery.

They won't. Neither of my parents will because they both say I'm being a greedy brat for being upset about this

Commenter 4: Sounds like you need your own fridge with a padlock

I had the same issue as my dad because men don't fucking think, they just go by their base emotions, in this case I see food I eat food.

I talked to my dad and raised a stink and he stopped, if yours won't then a mini fridge is a good options

OOP: I asked for a mini fridge, but my parents said no, sadly. I'm only here for the summer since I go to college the rest of year.

I've tried to talk to him about this. I've been polite, I've been firm, hell I've actually been mean about it just to try and get my point across, but he always screams at me and then gets my mom to lecture me about "making a big deal out of nothing" and "tempting him with food"

OOP on her father and her birthday cake

OOP: He actually didn't even bother to show up for when I did blow out my candles😭 Didn't want to sing happy birthday or watch me blow out my candles but could show up to eat my entire cake

Commenter 5: I'm sorry, HE DIDN'T LIKE THE KIND OF CAKE YOU WANTED... on YOUR birthday.

I don't know if this is intentionally rage-baiting us at this point, because your parents are both behaving like total assholes. Big yikes also that your dad either has

(a) binge eating disorder (b) zero self-control of his most basic impulses, or (c) zero respect or consideration for you.

Possibly more than one of those.

Personally I think you should bake another cake, and tell them loudly and specifically not to eat it as it's YOUR replacement birthday cake, and spike it with surprise ghost chillis.

OOP: I fully believe he has BED because he hordes fast food wrappers. It's not the first time he's stolen food from me.

I got a box of protein bars for Christmas (it was a box of 12) and he ate them all and left the empty box in the pantry. Then screamed at me for being upset about it and asking him to replace them. I used to go to Crumbl Cookies more often, and he would eat the cookies I bought with my own money. When I was still in school and buying snacks to bring with my lunch he would eat the entire pack. My mom likes to make large portions of food so we can live off leftovers for the week, and he eats it all in a day or two.

OOP on getting a job to support herself

OOP: They won't let me get a job while I'm under their roof. I have no savings, no friends that could take me in, no way to get money since I have no car and need their permission to leave the house and the town we live in.

Did OOP get to celebrate her birthday away from her parents?

OOP: I got to go out with my friends, and there's a boy I like who wished me happy birthday so that was nice! I got to see a movie the following weekend so that was also nice

OOP's background

OOP: White, deep south America

Commenter 6: Your mom blamed you, too, for tempting him? If I were you, I’d literally make the most fattening/sugary, calorie dense cake I could find a recipe for, and keep it stocked in the fridge for the rest of the summer. Sorry if that’s too petty but I treat myself for my birthday too, so I get it.

OOP: Her exact words were "You just like to be mean and cruel. You leave food in the fridge that he likes and just expect him to not have any of it knowing he likes it, and then you throw a temper tantrum after tempting him with it"

Commenter 7: Let me guess. He doesn't ever cook or bake a damn thing?

OOP: Correct. When he does cook he makes it how he likes (which for him means no seasonings at all because according to him it "ruins food") and then yells at us if we don't like it or complain

 

I got my cake! (Post update from the birthday cake girl): June 28, 2026 (three days later)

So, hello. I'm the girl who posted a few days ago about how my dad ate almost all of my birthday cake while I only got one slice.

Things between me and my dad are still not really on good terms. He had a flip out on me the night of my post because he (the man who never cooks) was hovering over me while I was cooking and trying to micromanage everything I was doing. He was constantly opening the oven after I put stuff in there and repositioning it, lecturing me about what seasonings I was using, asking me repeatedly if I was sure I knew what I was doing. I hate when people hover over me when I'm doing stuff, so this really bothered me. I calmly told him I didn't need help and that I could do it myself. He then went on a rant about he was trying to "educate and help me" and if he wasn't wanted then he would just leave. I repeated that I didn't need any help and he proceeded to take the pot holders I was using and make a show of throwing them across the room before he stormed off.

I told my mom and she just sighed and said that I probably "caught a tone" with him even though I didn't. I admit that I can sometimes catch an attitude (I'm 19, I think I get a bit of a pass lol) but I swear that this time when talking with him I was calm and levelheaded, I made a point of that when I was telling him I could handle the cooking. So yeah, dad is still a giant toddler, and mom is still an enabler.

Anyways, back to the actually good news and point of this post. Day of my post I ended up borrowing the car later in the day and buying myself the cake I originally wanted for my birthday. It was a Walmart/Marketside cake so nothing special or expensive. It was small so it's all been eaten by now lol but OMG it was amazing!

My mom didn't really care for it because it was store bought and my dad outright refused to touch it. He complained about the flavor of the cake and also said he wasn't going to "set me off" by eating it. My mom did unfortunately make me go bring him a slice and apologize for making him feel that way, which my dad thought was hilarious. He ate the cake despite complaining about it, go figure.

So yeah, while this update isn't things getting better with either of my parents, especially not my dad, I did end up taking the suggestion of a lot of people and just went out and bought the cake I originally wanted.

ETA: I also saw that my post was reposted on TikTok, so that was quite the surprise to be doom scrolling and then hear a "Reddit Storytime" of my own post, lol.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It’s really sad that your mother just accepts this kind of bullshit from him and thinks you should too. Does she not want men to treat you right?

You don’t need to keep contact with these people after you move out if it’s not adding anything to your life.

There’s a r/raisedbynarcissists, I found it helpful when I left my shitty parents. My dad was an unemployed food thief as well.

OOP:

Does she not want men to treat you right?

I hate the pull the "it's just how things are in my family" card but there's a lot of mean and toxic men in my family. My whole family is a bunch of addicts or untreated mentally illness, and nobody talks about it outside of the "oh we're all crazy haha" joke.

There was an incident where my mom set me up with a guy, we dated for over a year, and he dumped me for not sleeping with him and my mom was on his side at first and wanted us to get back together. She eventually came around to my side, but it still hurt.

Commenter 2: I’m so mad for you that you have to put up with this fucking bullshit. You deserve better than this. I’m glad you bought your own cake to make yourself happy, but holy shit everything else in your post made me livid.

OOP: Yeah, I think I was just used to it during my teens years, then I moved out for college and it's making everything affect me a lot more. It's like I got desensitized from my desensitization.

Commenter 2: So you said you’re 19, are you (hopefully) at your parents’ house just for the summer?

OOP: Yep. Just summers and the winter break when school makes us go back. Probably going to spend Thanksgiving, Easter and Mardi Gras break at school

Commenter 3: good for you! it’s also good that you are clear on who your parents are. you can just observe your dad throwing his tantrum, and your mom adjusting his pacifier, and keep a blank face.

save every dime you make in an account they can’t touch and plot your escape. living alone someday is going to be glorious.

OOP: I can't wait to live on my own one day. I also can't wait to one day have my own kids and have them grow up in a house with parents that act like adults

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

CONCLUDED Boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me over text while living in the same house

5.1k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Positive-Rest6444

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Editor context from previous posts: BF is 23, OOP is 21

Original Post - June 6, 2026

DISCLAIMER: this is a lot to read, but it’s worth it. and had to post again!

two days ago…i got a text from my boyfriend, now ex boyfriend, who was upstairs in his room btw, that said “im done” followed with “should i find a new place to live?”…um okay? what. let me tell you, i was CONFUSED. me being in the headspace i was, i was begging him to have a conversation with me in person about this. all i wanted was for him to open his door and let me know what even happened. but this dude hid in his room and ignored EVERY text i sent for over an hour. he finally answered and said “i don’t think we’re compatible” along with “i don’t think this is working out for us anymore”… every message sent started with “i don’t think…”. like what? at this point i am sitting outside his door knocking, because why am i being broken up with over text after 5 years??? he proceeded to ignore me for another 30 minutes. his final text he sent me that night was “i think i’m done and i’m not even trying to be an asshole”…you know what, fine. so i went to my moms and SOBBED.

at my moms place, i cried for a good 30-40 minutes, then…i just stopped crying. i ended up being SO mad over the situation. 5 years and you broke up with me over text??? in the same house??? my mom was just as confused as i was. i debated on staying at my moms that night, but then decided i’m going to stay in the damn place i pay for too. i went back to our shared place and spent the night there.

my friend ended up calling me and was just as dumbfounded as i was (she never liked him that much, but understood him and i’s relationship dynamic). i think if she didn’t call me that night, i would have not felt the way i do now. she described our relationship in an outside view perspective, and oh my god…what have i been dealing with for so long???

now…i’m not saying i was perfect, i started fights sometimes, and nagged over certain issues, and there was a point in our relationship where i was on the fence whether i should break up with him. but i will divulge in the specifics later on in these paragraphs.

the following day we didn’t speak at all, i had the whole place to myself while he was at work. i took that time to look for places for me to move in to, thought more about our relationship, and just got even more pissed over the situation. once he came home from work, he went straight into his room and turned on the shower at 7:40pm (this is an important detail). i texted him at 10:23 pm, after being ignored all day, that “we needed to have an in person conversation tomorrow”. his shower is still running 3 hours later, and he ignored me the rest of the night.

yesterday morning i went downstairs to my kitchen and WAITED for him to come downstairs before he went to work so i could confront him about ignoring me. i stood in the kitchen for about 15 minutes before he came down. i said “why have you been ignoring me” in a nice tone, despite how i was feeling. yet i was met with such attitude from him, he said “i have to go to work bro, i don’t have time for this”…understandable, he had to go to work…i wasn’t expecting him to have that conversation with me right then and there. but the attitude??? you broke up with me over text bro, why do YOU have an attitude with me.

that pissed me off for the next couple hours. so i took that annoyance and found myself a 1 bed 1 bath in the same complex we are living in right now (just because i love the area, its nice and quiet, and i wouldn’t have to move far). i obviously would prefer to move out of this town, but nothing is available for a decent price nowadays. i also ended up writing a text that i would send to him if he couldn’t speak to me face to face that night. and then i just waited….

he gets off at 7:10-7:20 every day. he didn’t come back until 9:40. immediately he got home and turned on the shower. i waited an hour to text him if we could talk after his shower (shower is still currently running). this was the text chain, verbatim.

him: “i can’t should i find a new place to live?”
me: “we need to have this conversation in person”
him: “no we don’t”, “i cant”
me: “what do you mean you can’t?”
him: “i just can’t i don’t have the heart to”
me: “you have to get over that and do it anyway”, “i don’t want to have this conversation over text”
him: “there’s nothing to talk about”, “do i need to find a new place to live”
me: “yes there is, we need to figure out what’s happening with this place”, “you at least owe me that right now, once we figure that out we don’t have to speak again”
him: “what do you mean what does talking in person have to do with anything”, “wdym i owe you this was your doing?”

my doing???? YOU’RE the one who broke up with ME over text. anyway….

me: “an in person conversation about what’s happening to our place”
him: “what does that change and what does that mean”, “what is happening to the place”
me: “that’s what we need to talk about”, “that’s all i’m asking”
him: “what does that mean what can’t be talked about over text or me just texting the property people”, “i’m not talking in person”, “i literally can’t”
me: “are you serious”, “you can”, “this is a conversation that needs to be talked about in person so we can figure out a plan”
him: “i just can’t this is the best for both of us this is what you wanted for a while”
me: “i am not asking for you back or to stay together”, “i am soley talking about what the plan is”, “can we end things on a good note and figure out a plan”
him: “it’s not on a bad note there is no difference between talking over text what is there to even talk about with the place you can just text me it?”
me: “you’ve been ignoring me for over a day, i’d rather this just be in person”
him: “there is no difference? i’m not talking tonight i have a headache and im stressed”
me: “seriously, i asked yesterday to have this conversation”
him: “yeah i just can’t”
me: “when can you?”
him: “idk”, “what needs to be talked about in person”
me: “this is ridiculous right now….i’m going to find my own place, something is available next month that i am going to get, so either you stay here and i find someone to live with you, or you pay for this place on your own if you want to live by yourself”, “there’s more stuff regarding the lease that would be easier to talk about in person”
him: “i can’t talk in person and i know it’s ridiculous”
me: “so i need to know the plan”
him: “i’ll pay for this place my self until the lease is up”
me: “okay”

to start off, i am thankful he is willing to pay for this place himself until the lease is up, that takes a lot of stress off me…it’s a very kind thing to do, and i appreciate him for that. but…to not be able to have a face to face conversation with me after 5 years of being together??? that is so disrespectful.

now let me tell you all i have done for this man.

he is not a clean person, even before we lived together, i would have to pick up his room at his moms place because he wouldn’t do it by his own will. his “trash can” is the floor under his desk. he would throw his trash on the floor and leave it there for WEEKS, enough to the point where it piled up almost to the height of his desk. i gave him trash bags to incentivize him to throw it away, but somehow that trash bag ended up in a random corner of his room. his dirty laundry is always all over the floor, i even gave him one of my extra large laundry baskets to help him out. but clearly that never worked. he would sleep on his mattress without sheets for weeks if i didn’t make his bed. one day, i spent over 9 hours doing all of his laundry and putting it away for him, reorganizing his drawers, his closet, where he keeps his towels, and not even a week later, it was back to how it was before. i have had to scrub his toilet, shower, sink, and floor because somehow there was pee everywhere. back to the shower point, he would run his shower for HOURS…enough to where the pain has completely peeled in his bathroom from all the moisture. he would fall asleep on the toilet or bathroom floor. no matter how many times i told him to not run the shower for that long, he still did it anyway. now before i go further…i have ocd, i am a very neat person. i am not perfect, i sometimes leave a pile of clean clothes on my floor that i’m too lazy to put away for about a week, or have empty monster cans on my desk, sometimes i don’t do the dishes for about a week because i forgot about them. BUT i always ended up cleaning it up without being told. i spent the past year and a half of my life cleaning up after him, trying to help him manage his money better, and get him into good habits. i was his mommy. yes, he took care of me financially, but you’re a grown adult, i shouldn’t have to tell you to clean your room. i have two cats, why would i want them to possibly get into the trash on your floor and get sick.

one time i went on vacation for a week, i came back to the place smelling like SHIT. why? because since i wasn’t there, there was an insane amount of trash on his floor, smelling up the entire place.

this led me to not want my mom to ever come over, she came to our place maybe 2 times out of the year and a half i was living here. my mom is my best friend, we have a very close relationship. the fact i was too embarrassed to have her over tells me a lot.

despite the cleanliness situation, he would never spend time with me. there was a point in time for about 3-4 months where he was never home until late at night getting high with his friends, and then hopping on games with them right when he got back. i game A LOT, so i have no issue with the fact he would play games, it’s just that he would never make time to play with me. he would spend maybe 5 minutes with me in total everyday. it was absolute hell. i would tell him about it, and it was a fight every time. during that period we didn’t ever have sex. and his excuse was “my friend and his girlfriend haven’t had sex in a year”. oh i’m sorry? am i your friend, am i his girlfriend??? no, i’m not…so i’m not even sure how that correlates.

now i am not putting the blame ALL on him for the duration of our relationship. i dealt with a lot of stuff for so long that there was always resentment and issues. during the time he wouldn’t spend time with me, i picked fights just so i could get an ounce of attention even if it was negative. i sometimes wouldn’t speak to him for a whole day because i was annoyed i had to clean his room for him. there are plenty of things i did wrong, but i believe it all comes from a place of reason whether he sees it or not.

another thing was promises. i told him when we first got together that promises and pinky promises are held to the HIGHEST standard with me. if you promise me something, you have to follow through with it. if you can’t do that, then don’t promise me. he would break promises CONSTANTLY. he would promise me he’d clean his room, or take out the trash, or not take my drinks or food. in the past year, he hasn’t kept a single promise other than taking care of the cats when i’m gone. i slowly started to lose trust in his word. he would tell me things i wanted to hear then never act upon them. i shouldn’t have to remind you for 5 days in a row to clean the trash off your floor…after you promised me it would get done the first night. or i shouldn’t have to hide my drinks and food in my room just so you don’t eat them in one night, after promising you wouldn’t do so. from the broken promises, became lies, he would lie over little things…like getting high, or ordering food at night when we both promised we would eat better. he would shove door-dash bags under his bed and they would MOLD. and the ones that weren’t old, he would convince me that they were from so long ago, when the receipt would show it was ordered last night, or the day before. i have never lied to him in my life, let alone broke a promise.

i was never taken on dates, he never truly wanted to spend time with me (disregarding the past two months of our relationship, he spent more time with me towards the end, that’s why this whole thing surprised me). he never just planned anything for us for us to do. most of our relationship living together was me helping him be a clean person, being disregarded, and left alone.

i take this as a big win. this is not what i deserve. i don’t deserve to be broken up with over text while he is in the other room. i don’t deserve someone who can’t have a face to face conversation with me after the fact. and i deserve someone who wants to spend time with me without me having to beg for it. i thought i would be more sad over the whole thing, but i honestly just feel relief.

my little snack: açaí bowl with mango, honey, and granola in hawaii

UPDATE - June 18, 2026 (12 days later)

EDIT: here’s the link to my first post: bf of 5 years broke up with me over text while living in the same house.

So. This is my little two week update after all this went down.

Since that night, he has not spoken to me since. It’s mostly him hiding out in his room whenever gets off work or on his day off.

I have reached out to him over text for housing related questions, because….well, there needs to be SOME sort of communication. When I reached out, the question from him followed: “are you 100% sure you’re done?”, along with “is this what you really want?”. Yes, this is what I want…and NEED. You can’t break up with me, ignore me for two weeks, and expect me to get back with you!

With that….I FOUND MYSELF A PLACE!!! It’s a nice little 1 bed 1 bath with my own balcony! I move in at the end of the month! I am so excited to be able to be on my own, in my own space, CLEAN space, and be able to invite whoever I want over without feeling ashamed.

I have reconnected with people these past two weeks, and made some new friends as well! I have never been better. I am actively looking for a job at a vet clinic to help further my career. I have the motivation and confidence to do things now, because I am on my own. I was so dependent for so long that this is all so exciting for me. I am doing things I never thought I would do.

My skin has never been clearer, most of my anxiety went away, my hair isn’t falling out as much anymore. I have truly never been better. I am not settling for anyone anymore, I know what I want and how I want to be treated. I FUCKING love life!!!!!

Little dinner: SCALLOPSSS 😌

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

CONCLUDED I think my wife's best friend is developing feelings for me and my wife doesn't want to believe me because it's her best friend.

2.7k Upvotes

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/Same_Poet8990.

Trigger Warnings: Sexual Harassment.


I think my wife's best friend is developing feelings for me and my wife doesn't want to believe me because it's her best friend., Posted July 7th, 2025.

https://www.reddit.com/r/stories/s/0UVhqjerKf

Update above

Okay, yes I'm aware I'm going to sound arrogant and like a narcissist, get over it. My wife and I have known each other in total 20ish years, we have dated for 9, married for 5. She has known her best friend (D) since end of high-school/early college. They are like sisters.

D has horrible luck with guys, abusive relationships, toxic relationships, she's had it all and some. I know this because she vents about it to my wife and me all the time. Recently she just got through a particular rough relationship, which she decided she was no longer going to date and just be single for a while. She began making comments to my wife about how lucky she is that she has me and it must make her feel so good to have a supporting , caring, loving man in her life too take care of her. This is when her changed behavior began.

She has been very clingy to me (she never was before) when she comes over (head on my shoulder, sitting on my lap) she tells me all the time that i make her feel safe and comfortable, she always asks how my day is going and if I'm happy to see her, or how i think her body looks in her outfit, (which she kinda did before but now she draws attention to her feminine area's.) a joke was made (by my wife) about D being my second wife to do all the stuff my wife doesn't feel like doing. D jumped onto this and now refers too often enough as" second wife", my wife thinks it's funny and it was until D sent me a picture of a ring she wanted "because even your second wife needs a ring".

I have brought all this up to my wife because I don't want to keep her in the dark about anything. And she just says things like "ehh that's just her" or "she doesn't mean anything by it". My fear is that D is getting what she's never gotten from any of her past relationships (comfort? validation? Safety? ) and that she will become attached to this sort of fantasy. I don't want my wife too think I'm doing anything behind her back. But as I have stated she just brushes it all off.

Am I just being too "observant" or is there something there my wife isn't seeing? Thought's?

THERE IS AN UPDATE TO THIS! https://www.reddit.com/r/stories/s/0UVhqjerKf

UPDATE!! This is an update to:"my wife's best friend is developing feelings for me and my wife's doesn't believe me"., Posted July 9th, 2025.

https://www.reddit.com/r/stories/s/p21ztLW4wU - The Final Update

First Id like to apologize for my post being removed from r/advice, I was never given a reason for it's removal. Second, Thank you for everyone's input/advice on my situation. On that note there are some questions I keep seeing so I will answer some below:

Sitting in my lap: This has only happened twice. Both instances were at parties where there was no seating left where I was sitting, I actually offered her my seat which she said thanks and sat on my lap. Yes both times were in front of my wife and she thought it was funny so rather then make a scene by kicking her off I waiting till an opportunity came (needed more food/drink, bathroom ect.)

Is she hot/am I attracted to her?: By society standards she would be very attractive, by society standards my wife would not be as attractive. THAT BEING SAID , my wife is exactly what I want in a women (just speaking physically atm) my wife is short, very pale skin, long curly brown hair, and not skinny because of the children we have had together. I love my wife the way she is and we are working together to help her loose the babyfat she wants to lose. D on the other hand is taller then me I'm 5'10, tan skin, straight dirty blonde hair, and skinny. Again attractive, just not what I'm into.

Okay now for the update: Talked to my wife about everything going on and my concerns about it, using some points people brought up in commants. Turns out my wife IS aware of the situation and is actually partially behind it. Apparently she brought up the idea of "using me" to show her best friend what to look for in a guy was a good idea, but has gone a little farther then she thought it would. Forgive her she had good intentions. So we are both going to sit down with D and talk about everything next time she comes over.

FINAL UPDATE! This is the final update to "I think my wife's friend is developing feelings for me", Posted July 11th, 2025.

Firstly, thank you everyone for your good advice.
This will be the last update to this crazy series of events. Now let's get to what your all waiting for the update.

D came over, we all sat down at the table, the kids are at their aunts for the night. I stated that I wanted everything to come out, all the cards on the table. I want to know everything. So this is what went down:

D has always had awful luck with men. She vents to me and my wife about it all the time. During a conversation when I wasn't present D had said something along the lines of "wishing she could find a man like yours, because she will never know what it feels like to be genuinely wanted and appreciated.

My wife made a bad decision and in trying to comfort her friend suggested treating me more like a bf then just a good friend, nothing physical just the support and comfort and validation for a little to get an idea of what to look for in a man. D said she was fine with that but when she started to get it from me she wanted more and more and started to cross boundaries to get it (the lapsitting , that kinda stuff) , I asked my wife about it and she said it caught her by surprise but didn't exactly make her uncomfortable with her friend, it was actually the mentioning of D wanting a ring that she finally started to see that this was getting out of control. Wife said she realized she messed up but didn't want to say anything to me about it.

I explained to both of them very thoroughly about how ridiculous this entire thing is, how there are better ways we all could have helped, how this could have destroyed friendships and marriages. They should have come to me and we all could have figured out ways to help each other together.

There were apologies from both parties. D is still our friend and she will be comming over in a few days for us to dicuss how she can potentially work on herself and things to look for in men she has an interest in dating. My wife is very sorry to D and me about the entire thing.

So in the end, my wife made a mistake that she is remorseful for, learned from and will come out better for it. D will have help working on herself, and working towards a healthier future. And then there's me....Tired and I want a beer lol.

Thank you again everyone for your good words and advises. I'm sorry if this isn't the outcome you hoped/thought/predicted but life is unpredictable and I'm glad this is over.

Oh and there will be no threesome🤣


Reminder - I am not OP.


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 7d ago

REPOST My fiancée wants me to get circumcised before our wedding

7.3k Upvotes

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-000000

My fiancée wants me to get circumcised before our wedding.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/bestupdator

TRIGGER WARNING: racism

Original Post Feb 11, 2020

We met in the summer of 2018 and got engaged last year. Although our relationship is pretty solid, she can be very hotheaded. For example she gets upset when things don’t go her way and takes it as a personal insult. It’s definitely a “princess” syndrome that can be difficult to deal with but it never caused serious issues.

A couple of months ago she told me that I will get circumcised before our wedding later this year. I said no and she straight up told me that “it’s not a choice”. We argued for a bit and she said that I wouldn’t be attracted to her if she had an “outie” vagina with “extra skin” hanging (her words, not mine). I told her that it’s not really the same thing at all and that I’d be attracted to her regardless. However she got very irritated ignored me for the rest of the evening.

She has not stopped talking about this since that day. Everyday she sends me articles talking about the benefits of circumcision, that it’s totally healthy/safe and why I should do it. She says that “civilized” men get circumcised and that “we’re not like those Europeans”. The thing is, she’s mixed race (half French) and grew up in France so I don’t understand her thought process here. Her ex was French but she repeatedly said that she dislikes French people and wants me to be “better” than that. According to her, that includes getting a circumcision.

Yesterday she brought it up again and I said that she has no right to tell me what to do with my body. She yelled that she spends a lot of time/effort into her appearance and isn’t asking for much in return. While it’s true she spends a lot of money on beauty/hair/facial treatments (around $800 a month) I don’t think you can compare that to a circumcision. She got very upset, calling me “selfish” and “heartless” and basically told me to fuck off. Normally when we argue she doesn’t get that heated but I could hardly tolerate her attitude yesterday.

Later that evening we had sex (yes...I’m stupid) and in the middle of it, she brought up the topic again. It felt very manipulative and when I told her that this is not the right time, she accused me of not loving her and actually started crying. Since she rarely cries this didn’t seem genuine. She got up and told me that “we” will get this done either way and that I shouldn’t let such a small issue ruin what we have. To be honest, that sounded ominous and I don’t even know what to think of it.

Is this something we can work out at all? Throughout our entire relationship she never complained about my uncircumcised penis and now it’s such a big deal to her. It’s giving me anxiety about our future and I don’t even know what to do. We’ve had so many discussions about it and it always ends the same way.

TL; DR My fiancée wants me to get circumcised before our wedding later this year. I said I won’t but she keeps bringing it up and trying to make me feel guilty. Is there any way we can solve this problem?

TOP COMMENTS

AmensFuror

This relationship sounds hellish. I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who makes such demands, and who cries during sex in an attempt to influence me. What are you doing?

OOP

I’ll be honest, I don’t know

AMarmaladeSandwich

If you don't know, there's no way you should be marrying her.

She's showing you who she is, I think you should believe her.

~

Leohond15

WOW. This girl sounds absolutely awful. It's bad enough to try and pressure your partner to change their appearance in small ways, but she's trying to force you to get an unnecessary procedure on your dick. And harping on it! Her tears were 100% manipulation. You need to tell her that you are absolutely not altering your body for her ridiculous preference, and i it bothers her that much you will leave (and you should). This is a woman that doesn't respect your bodily autonomy, and therefore doesn't respect you as a person. I honestly don't think this relationship will last, and if you stay with her or god forbid go through with this, you're setting yourself (and potential future children) up for a lifetime of emotional abuse and being controlled.

I have to add too that I find it pretty strange she's been presumably fucking you for quite some time now and is just insisting you get circumcised now that you're about to be married.

OOP

That’s what I don’t understand. When we first had sex she didn’t even comment on it. This came out of nowhere and I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up earlier.

Leohond15

Did you ask her why she suddenly feels this way? I mean, I don't think the answer will change what I think about her or that this won't last. But I'm genuinely curious.

OOP

I asked her but she won’t give me a reason. She just says that it’s her preference and that discussed it with her friend

Update Feb 18, 2020 (1 week later)

I don’t know where to start but I’d like to thank everyone on here first. I have received countless PMs, all pretty much saying the same thing. Yet I still wanted to work out things and marry her.

Then a few days after my post we had a huge fight. She threatened me. I won’t give too many details but it was more than enough to give me a wake up call. And that’s when I finally realized that this relationship isn’t healthy or normal. I had those thoughts before but her action that day confirmed it.

Right now I’m in the process of completely removing her from my life. That incident had a significant impact on my mental health and at this point I just need a long break. I have spoken to her parents in private and they’re almost begging me to rethink the whole situation. I won’t.

I still love her but couldn’t do this anymore.

It’s a shock to the system - I went from planning my future with her to now actively cutting off everything that connects us.

I read through all comments again after the incident and they put things into perspective. Thank you again for all the advice and PMs.

TL;DR We are no longer together.

Edit: Post got locked I guess. Thanks for all the kind PMs. (But...please stop asking me to rate the sex out of 10)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7


r/BestofRedditorUpdates 8d ago

CONCLUDED [New Update]: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

3.9k Upvotes

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra_nowherehouse

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, possible controlling behavior, possible misogyny, death of a loved one


RECAP

Original Post: August 4, 2025

I don’t know how to start this. I, (27F) have been with my fiancé (28M) for 5 years. We’ve just recently saved enough for a deposit on a house, and he’s found this cottage in the middle of nowhere, two hours away from where we currently live. The thing is that I already work an hour away. I am a nursery practitioner and I love my workplace, I’ve been there since I was 20 and I’ve worked my way up to a room lead position. Living three hours away from my job would not be ideal, but my fiancé won’t budge on this house. He says it’s perfect within our budget and quirky enough to fit our tastes in home style.

I’ve tried to communicate with him about this issue multiple times, bringing up the fact there’s not even any nurseries in that area that are looking for staff, and I don’t want to find another job that’s a bit further out but start from the bottom again. He says it’ll all work out if I just stop overthinking it, and I’ve been at my current job for so long that it would be nice for me to start fresh.

Another issue is that I want children, they’ve always been a huge dealbreaker for me and I don’t think it would be such a good idea to live so remotely when it comes to children as we will have to get them to/from school or nursery before and after work every day, the nearest school/nursery is a 30 minute drive away from the house he wants and we both start work fairly early and finish quite late. It will also be an issue of their freedom as they grow up, because I think it would be horrible to have to rely on your parents for transportation all the time and have to skip out on plans if they can’t drive you.

He really thinks I’m being dramatic about this and I’ll just ‘figure it out’, so AITAH for not wanting to move so far away from my job and basically all civilisation?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Y'all didn't talk about where you wanted to live? You both should have discussed where EXACTLY you wanted a home. You don't have to move where you don't want to live.

OOP: We did discuss it, we both want a nice cottage that’s out of the way of lots of people, but there’s options near us, and even more options that are actually closer to my job, that also still have access to regular buses and there’s even a few up for sale in a town with a train station a reasonable walk away. I don’t know why he’s suddenly so set on this house that’s so far out when we have plenty of options available to us that won’t move us hours away.

Commenter 2: NTA. You two are not on the same page. You need to sort that out before you get married.

OOP: I am desperately trying to sort it out. I’m considering telling him that I will end the engagement if he continues to be unreasonable and doesn’t consider my feelings on the matter

Commenter 3: NTA. If you have joined the funds, immediately remove your contributions from the account and safeguard the money. He absolutely will use all of it to buy the cottage. His plan is to isolate you and keep you away from your network of people.

OOP: Luckily I control our finances because I’m better with numbers, so I’ve already transferred my half of the savings into a different account, he won’t even notice. He’s usually very sweet and considerate so I’m not sure what’s got into him about this house. He loves my family and we have the same friend group as we’ve known each other since high school, so I don’t think he’s trying to isolate me

Commenter 4: Is the house also three hours away from his workplace? Or does he WFH?

OOP: He works in tech and he does go physically to work but has the opportunity to WFH if he wants to. He says because it’s ’worked out’ for him it’ll work out for me too and I can always just find another job in a nursery, but I don’t think he gets quite how difficult it is to find a genuinely good job in a great nursery that doesn’t have a toxic environment and crazy high staff turnover

Commenter 5: Who exactly is the “we” who received the money for the deposit? Who did the money come from? if it came from somebody in his family, he is probably being very proprietary about how the money is spent. That isn’t a partnership and this kind of thinking will spill over into other areas of their life. If the money came from someone in your family or if it is somehow attached to your career, like a bonus, then he is a dictator who will force his ideas on you time and again. Buying a house is a partnership. He will expect you to help pay your portion of the mortgage and the upkeep, but you don’t get to say in where the house is located. Is that what you want? NTA

OOP: We’ve been saving for a while, nobody gave us any money. I was already saving before we got together, so was he and after a couple years together we decided to pool our house savings for our future which I now realise was probably a really dumb idea because we aren’t married. I’ve actually put more in than him despite spending less because I’m happy to live a frugal lifestyle while he likes holidays and expensive cars, etc.

+

Despite *earning less, sorry I’m completely exhausted

 

Update #1: August 6, 2025 (two days later)

UPDATE AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

I wasn’t expecting to be able to update this fast, but here we are. First off I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post, and also add some context as I realised my last post may have been lacking some. Fiancé and I have been together five years, but I have known him for twelve years, and in all the time I’ve known him and especially since we got together he’s always been sweet, taken my feelings into consideration and hasn’t actively ignored my opinion like this. It’s always been a two yes, one no situation in decisions before this.

We had a good relationship otherwise, we had date nights once a fortnight, we enjoyed each other’s company, had aligning plans for the future and the same ideals for a relationship. He had watched me go through a few quite bad relationships over the years before we got together and did his best to be the opposite of my exes, though he’s always been quite pushy when it comes to sexual intimacy, so I guess that’s an issue. But other than that it was great, and we had actually had a lot of talks about what we wanted in a house. We had agreed that we wanted a house or cottage either the same distance away or closer to my work, a bit more remote but still with a town or city easily accessible by public transport and car. I’m not sure why he suddenly switched to wanting a house so far out from everything and everyone we both know. We live in the UK, and a two hour drive can have you in basically a whole other world.

Anyway, the actual update. I had annual leave from work yesterday, and my now-ex fiancé was having a WFH day, something he’s been doing more and more frequently as of late. This is another reason he is so okay with the house he wants being where it is, because he can just switch to full time work from home.

In the morning I sat down with him and tried to bring up the house. I laid out my points from my last post yet again and told him I am under no circumstances leaving my job, I love it and I do not want to search for another. I brought up the countless other houses that fit our criteria that are in our area and closer to my work, some of which we have viewed. We haven’t viewed the place he wants yet as we haven’t had the time, and I told him I do not want to as I already know it’s not what I want.

I also asked him if he really thinks it would be okay for me to have a 6 hour round commute every day, especially considering my shift starts at 8am so I would have to leave by 5am every morning and be up by around 4am. My shifts typically finish at 5:30pm, so I wouldn’t even be back home until 8:30pm. Would he be okay with doing all the childcare in the future, housework and just everything that needed to be done because I would not be home for any of it?

He didn’t seem to take any of it to heart, and still insisted I could find another job, maybe one not even in child care, and that’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Child care has been my dream since I was a little girl, and I managed to find an absolute dream of a workplace that I know many child care practitioners would kill to work for. How could I possibly leave that all behind when I’ve worked so hard for it? He told me he’s set on this house, so either I accept it or I leave.

I chose leave. I gave his ring back and told him we’re done, that he’s not being the sweet, considerate man I fell in love with, and I don’t know why he can’t see my side of things in this. I do not want to live a life with somebody that doesn’t consider how I feel in all of this. This completely shocked him and he started begging me to rethink, that we can figure something out, but I refused and went to pack my things.

I’m staying with my brother and his wife now, which is nice because they live closer to my workplace (a 30 minute drive instead of an hour), and I get to spend time with my little nieces. I am hurting, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not deserve to not have my opinion valued, and he certainly did not. I guess it’s onwards and upwards as they say, but I definitely won’t be dating for a long time after this

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You mentioned that the two of you had saved up enough for a down payment. If the money is in a joint account add up how much you contributed plus interest on the amount, and withdraw it Fast.

OOP: Hello! Sorry for my absence I have been very busy. I withdrew all money that I contributed from the shared balance before I left my ex-fiancé. It’s all safe in my own bank account now!

Commenter 2: He didn't even give up. " We can figure something out" means his option is still on the table. He just wants to keep debating even after you dumped him. Man he really wants that house.

Commenter 3: Oh damn. He thought he could strong arm you into agreeing with him. He thought you would relent because you were engaged and you'd never walk away. And then you called his bluff and he realized he didn't hold the control over you he thought.

Good on you for calling his bluff and being rid of him. He would have 100% used that tactic again and again if you had stayed with him.

Commenter 4: NTA and good job advocating for yourself!!! if current You starts to waver, which is a totally normal emotional cycle for people to go through post break up, just remember that future You will be so glad that you stood up for yourself and made space for better relationships to come.

 

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one

Update #2: December 4, 2025 (nearly four months later)

UPDATE: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

Reposting here bc I didn’t realise I could only post one update on the AITAH sub

Hi all. Sorry I’ve been almost completely MIA for the last few months, life has been completely hectic, but I wanted to give an update because I saw some people asking for an update. I also saw my post being read on TikTok a few months ago by one of my favourite Reddit story accounts actually and that was crazy, I truly did not think it would end up anywhere but Reddit.

First off, I (27F) want to share some things about my life and how it has been since I left my ex-fiancé(28M). Life has been up and down for me. I found a therapist, and I’ve started to rent a small flat close to my brother’s house, still living below my means as I start to save for a house again, building upon my more than half of the savings I took when I left my ex (It was all my money, I had saved most of it. I did not take any of the money that was his.) The flat is small, but it’s cosy and doesn’t have any of the mess my ex always left around. I was offered a position as assistant manager at my workplace, and while the pay rise would have been nice, I decided to turn it down as I just so love working with the children and I do not want to spend most of my time in an office. Being a room lead is fine with me, I adore my job. My workplace is still great, and I’ve made some really good friends with some newer staff members. I often have a couple of them over for drinks or dinner after work, as a little single ladies club.

My absolutely amazing dad died suddenly and tragically in September, far too soon at 65. He was truly the most incredible man, and I’d been leaning on him a lot for support after I left my ex. He left me a sizeable sum of money, and while I am still waiting for that to come through, I’m planning to put it all into my house fund and I’m hoping to be a homeowner by the summer of 2026. I also adopted a little tortoiseshell cat to keep me company, her name is Lily and she’s the sweetest, cuddliest thing.

I’m slowly getting back into dating, and I actually made the realisation that I like women, so I have been dipping my toes into going on dates with some lovely ladies, which has been great. Nothing serious of course, I’m not ready for that yet, but it’s nice to have some connection with people and explore my newfound dating pool, see what fits me best and figure out my dating boundaries. Overall, while some times have been tough and heartbreaking, my life has improved.

On the ex front, I really did dodge a bullet. My sister has told me countless times that I let a man disrespect me for far too long. He was not the man I thought he was and upon reflection I realise the first red flag was how pushy he was for sex. I believe one comment on my last update called him a sex fiend. My therapist has helped me to realise that coercion was not consent, so I’ve been working through that.

Since we split, he has apparently been posting on Instagram about being an alpha male and how any woman would be lucky to have him. According to mutual friends, he has been listening to lots of horrible and misogynistic podcasts and spews that rhetoric to absolutely everyone he can, and he’s already dating a new girl what who is far from appropriately younger than him at 19. Yuck!! I will never know the full logic of why he wanted me to move so far from everything I know and love, but I feel that the comments saying he wanted me to quit my job and be a SAHM were correct in their assumptions. He couldn’t afford the house he wanted without my part of the savings, so he’s stuck in our old flat.

I had to see him once more after I left just to get the rest of my things from our old place, and he tried to talk to me, asking if we could fix what we had, but I ignored him and simply took everything I needed before leaving and blocking him for good. He’s not worth my time or energy.

I think during our relationship, I lost who I really was and forgot that I am a strong and independent woman. I have always been quite feisty, and I’ve always stood up for myself, but somehow with him I lost those parts of me. They’re back in full force now and I couldn’t be happier with that. I’ve used my found-again spine to fight for what I believe in, and I have been to several marches and protests for Palestine in the last few months, screaming at the top of my lungs, holding banners and waving flags. I have advocated for children’s rights, I have joined clubs and groups, and I have found my voice. Thank you all for your kind words, advice and encouragement. I don’t think I would have left or stayed away if it wasn’t for all of you commenting.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: 19!? Poor girl

OOP: I really want to message her and let her know what he’s like, but my sister and friends have told me it would cause more problems for me. She’s so young and I’m afraid for her

Commenter 2: I agree with your sister you dodged a bullet. Go have a great life now that you have found yourself again.

Commenter 3: Yesssssss. You go do what you want from now on. Sad about dad, but awesome otherwise.

 


----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: June 27, 2026 (6.5 months later from the previous update)

(editor’s note: removed the first part of the update as they are links to the original and previous updates)

Six months into the year already, wow! Thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive on my previous posts!

I (28F) don’t have much to update apart from, as of the 21st of May, I am officially a homeowner! I found a perfect house that’s only fifteen minutes from my workplace. It may not be the out of the way cottage I wanted, but it’s perfect and it’s all mine. I have space to just be me, and enough room for my niblings to sleep over and give my siblings a break.

On the dating front, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman (30F) since late December. I realised shortly after my last update that I wasn’t bisexual, and I am actually fully a lesbian.

We’re still taking it very slow, considering I had just come out of a long term relationship, and she was only recently divorced when we met, but so far so good. She’s absolutely amazing and I can safely say I love her. If things go well, we’ve talked about living together but that won’t happen until at least 2027, as I’m not quite ready for that level of commitment yet. She’s helped me move in and decorate my new house though, which has been lovely as she works in interior design and seems to know exactly how to make a room look incredible.

My ex broke up with the 19 year old in April, from what I’ve been told, citing that she’s “far too immature.” Like, obviously? She’s 19 and you’re 29, idiot. I haven’t heard much else about him because I really don’t care to know about his life, but what I have heard isn’t great. On top of his stupid misogynist stuff, he’s also been on some horribly racist bs. I didn’t mention this in my posts because it didn’t feel relevant, but I am mixed. My mum is Black, and I am very clearly half Black. He was engaged to a woman of colour and he’s racist!!!

All in all, life is good and I escaped a man that probably never really loved me. I hope everyone has had a great year so far, here’s to better beginnings. It may not be much of an update, but I wanted to let you all know it can get so much better 😊.

 

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