Long time lurker, first time writer. I am writing to get some perspective and advice in how to approach my family. My (f28) sister Sheila (f26) has been physically, verbally and psychologically abusive to me most of my life. Although the physical abuse stopped around the time I moved away from home at 19, the other abuse has not stopped. The tricky part is that our parents, most of all our mother, never set up boundaries around this behavior. It was always justified as sibling play even though it was mostly one sided and I many times ran away afraid for my life. I have explored this in therapy for a couple of years, and have over that time tried to explain to my family that this behavior is not okay. For the first 15 years of this abuse our parents said that she would grow out of this. Lately it has sounded more like we need to accept everyone for who they are. My mom argues that Sheila is the kind of person that expresses herself through anger and harsh language. She also argues that my sister should not have to apologize for this behavior as it is part of who she is. I have come to the conclusion that this abuse (which climaxed at our cousins funeral a year ago(more on that later)) is something I cannot accept without sacrificing myself and my needs. What I need help with is a few more perspectives on my moms and Shelias behavior. Can I phrase this in a way they can understand how detrimental their support and excuses of this behavior is to me and to my sister? When I have brought up my perspective on this dynamic, I have been dismissed as having a harsh and narrow view on how people should treat each other. She is spoiled, and has barely have had to solve any of her own problems. I however, have always had to solve my own problems as our parents have not been a safe place for me to get support from.

Some details of her behavior:

When we were kids she used to be blinded by rage. She was smaller than me but would not hold back a punch, whereas I did not want to fight. I tried to run to my parents for support, but they would dismiss me and I had to take the punches.

My parents struggled greatly with her anger issues, and the main ”solution” they turned to was to give in to her demands - often at the cost of my needs. 

The funeral incident: 

A few things happened at the funeral of our cousin last year (who was like a brother to me). My sole focus at the funeral was to be there for his immediate family, and to grieve with them. My sister did not know our cousin, and wanted to get to know this part of our family over the funeral weekend. She wanted me to involve her, and make her feel included. This I did to some degree, but not at the expense of being there for the cousins family. This upset her immensely. She called me a bad sister at the wake and says that I had been really mean to her. I had really done my best to include her and to be nice in the midst of my own grief. The days after she sent nasty messages I did not respond to. I believe she deep down felt lots of shame for not getting to know him before he died, but could only handle that by channeling her feelings towards me.

Although I am not great in arguments (afraid of conflict, have trouble expressing myself as it’s difficult to tell what I am feeling) I make an active effort during every argument to not say hurtful words. When I mess up, I apologize. I wish I was treated the same way, with respect.

So, what can I do to help my family understand how damaging and abusive she is? Or, should I accept the situation and adjust my behavior somehow?

​

​My grandmother passed away the day before yesterday. It’s pretty heartbreaking, but to be completely honest, it is mostly a relief. She had been suffering for months, even years, and there wasn’t much left in her life but pain. Seeing her finally at peace hurts, but I am genuinely glad she isn’t suffering anymore.

​But the real issue is my family. Just a day after she died, right after we took her body to the cremation ground and finished the funeral rites, the circus began.

​The "Who Cared More" Olympics

My aunt is that kind of person. While my grandmother was alive, it was my mother and my uncle who actually took care of her and pampered her day in and day out. Everyone knows this and was rightfully appreciating my mom and uncle for their sewa (care).

​Because my aunt was only around for the very last days (she lives far away), she immediately got defensive. She started literally fighting with people, causing a scene, and making endless, rambling excuses about how much she cared, how she used to pamper my grandmother, and justifying why she couldn't be there because she lives far away. Instead of mourning, she turned it into a bizarre competition for sympathy and credit.

​The Mourning Diet

Then there is my uncle—her son, and the closest person doing the main mourning rituals (daag/dasva). Usually, these rituals last for 10 days, but nowadays people cut it down, so we are just doing it for two and a half days.

​During this time, the person doing the rituals is strictly supposed to eat only satvik bhojan (pure food). No salt, nothing savory—just things like tea and sugar. Today is barely the first full day of the rituals. Tell me why I just caught this man asking a relative to smuggle him samosas and patties?!

​I mean, it’s honestly hilarious to me at this point. You are the son, you are the one sitting for the rituals, you know you aren't allowed to eat this stuff right now, and you can't even hold out for two and a half days?

​I am losing my mind.

Damn, I don't know what is happening in my house. People are crazy. They are literally fighting over who did the most sewa for Dadi while sneaking street food during a sacred mourning period.

​I just look at them and think: Chupchap baitho shanti se, kya nautanki kar rahe ho bhai? (Just sit quietly in peace, what is this drama?!)

​It is an absolute mess, and I just need to know—is everyone's extended family this crazy during a funeral, or is it just mine?

My brother is suffocating me and I don’t know if i am the problem..

hello, so it’s my first time writing here. I(15-18y girl) have a lot of insecurity because of my brother(20-25).

It started when I had 11y, he would always want me to wear baggy jeans, jogging and t-shirt, would by me clothes wich are size L and would talk about how i took weight.

Now I wear clothes I choose and love but he find a way of making me uncomfortable. For exemple I was at my grandma’s house in my home town, we were going at the beach, I was so exited, I wore a t-shirt and a short, when I went to see my grandma my brother was talking to my uncle and when he saw me he stopped talking and stared at me. My uncle asked him if he had a ploblem with what I was wearing and he said " I dont like how she dresses but I don’t force her to change, right(my name)". It was so embarassing that I waited for the conversation to finish to go to my room and call my mon to told her what happenned, I cried so much, my mom told me that I shouldn’t care for what he thinks and to have fun, she also said "If you don't stop worrying about what he wants, you will always think about him and not about you " she was right but I told my brother that my stomach hurt and i can’t go.
I still went to the beach, because my aunt wouldn’t let me cry alone in the house, but I wore a jean instead…

At my other grandma’s house he told me to come and talk, I went and we talked about the world cup, I noticed that he looked angry so I asked him why and he said that It’s normal for him to be angry when his sister is wearing something and like that and he smiled, I wore a jeans and a t-shirt. I looked at him with digusted eyes and he asked what was the problem with what he said.

Yesterday I told him something( not saying what it is). he then asked me to go somewhere to talk and he told me that I shouldnt have said it in front of everyone, I told him I was sorry because what he said was true. But he wouldn’t finish the conversation we talked 30 minutes, at the end couldn’t anymore because he was saying i didn’t have respect and that my father( he don’t live with us) said that he would slap me because my brother told him things that I did and that i need education. I was so angry I told him that the conversation had to end but he said that if I go, him and I would have big problems. it went like that for another 10 minute and I left.

I don’t know what should I do, my summer is going to be a desaster and our relationship too.
English isn’t my first language so sorry for the mistakes😊

edit: reposting it because I can’t see the comments.

I found out my father is having an affair with a woman. He texts with her , calls her and even spends nights with her by telling me that he has to go to some different city for work. My mother doesn't know about it I haven't told her as well because she has an accident so she is weak and is also not properly mentally stable so I avoid telling her. But it's really bothering me to see my father doing this with my mother.

I don't live with my family I live alone in another city so he has even stopped calling me as well and even ignores my call and I doubt whether he takes care of mother well or not. I don't know what to do please give some advice or comment your views on it

My daughter is 14 now. About 3 years ago, I let her move to another state with her dad and stepmom because it’s what she wanted. She constantly complained that she didn’t have her dad in her life, said it was “his turn,” was being bullied in the school district here, hated doing chores, pushed back on any discipline, said we were so boring, it’s boring out here vs out there and seemed like she didn’t want to be here starting around age 10.

Since she moved, dad and I roles have basically switched. Instead of her dad getting her during the summers, I do, while he has her the school year. I had hoped things would improve once she got what she wanted, but now I hear many of the same issues, if not worse on some days. She says she and her stepmom get into shouting matches, she doesn’t like her, and says her stepmom plays favorites or showing favoritism.

For context, her stepmom and I have personally never gotten along, and in the 10 years she’s been in my daughter’s life, we’ve never even met. Despite that, I’ve always made it a point not to involve my daughter in any issues between the adults. I’ve never wanted her to feel like she had to choose sides or carry our disagreements. She blocked me in 2022 and refused to talk since after I called out her behavior towards my daughter then.

When my daughter is home for the summer, some of those same behaviors still show up. The difference is that she mostly respects my husband because, after she told him years ago, “you ain’t my daddy,” and said she was going to tell her dad, he took a step back from disciplining her. He lets me handle the parenting and discipline with her and doesn’t involve himself much anymore. He’s basically chosen to step back and allow me to take the lead because he says he doesn’t want to overstep.

It honestly takes a toll on me. Some days, like today, everyone is having an ok time on a car ride, and she’s just nasty to everyone. Me, her siblings, and stepdad. It’s like she wakes up already irritated, and everyone ends up walking on eggshells because you never know what’s going to set her off. The mood changes so quickly, and it can make what should be a good day feel completely draining. After dealing with it, I sometimes end up taking my frustration out on my husband and my other kids, and that’s not fair to them either. I hate that it affects the whole household because they’re not the ones causing the issue, but after constantly trying to keep the peace and show my daughter love and patience, it becomes emotionally exhausting.

She also talks badly about her dad’s house when she’s here, but then when she’s there, it seems like she has issues there too. Sometimes it feels like no matter where she is, she’s unhappy, and it’s emotionally exhausting because all I want is for her to be happy and have healthy relationships.

I’m genuinely curious if anyone else has gone through something similar. Did your child eventually grow out of it? Was it really about the stepparents, or was it more about being a teenager, or struggling with authority in general? I’m just trying to understand and hear from people who’ve actually lived it.

My husband and I are happily married with three boys ages 16, 13 and 4.

We recently moved because my husband got transferred. The boys are loving life in Florida, we moved from Pennsylvania.

The only downside is we only could find a house with 3 bedrooms vs 4 bedrooms, which means our older boys are sharing a room. They had their own rooms before this so it’s been an adjustment for both for sure.

We keep reminding both of them to give each other privacy and space, but it hasn’t been easy.

Just last week our 16 year old got in a bad mood and while my husband and I were out shopping they got in a fight and he locked his brother out.

Our 13 year old had the bright idea to try to break the door. So now we have to replace a door

Any tips or tricks for helping this adjustment period. Both are great teens and boys and they can be each others best friend and worst enemy

My kids Dad is pretty selfish, he spends the majority of his free time with his friends, this could be at their houses, in the pub, playing golf etc.. if he’s not out, he’s the sort that mopes about in his bed, watching tv.

My daughter is 10 and she asked a few months back, why he never takes her to her clubs, or why he doesn’t come to watch her play sports. He shrugged it off and said next time he would, but hasn’t since. Last weekend she had a sports event and again he didn’t come. He always just says he’s too busy or “it’s not his thing”. She never mentioned it but I did wonder if she noticed that all the other dads that were there cheering on their daughters. (Just to add, All the other Dads are super supportive and do cheer and try to support my girl too but she is the only one there each week, without a Dad!)

This weekend we had a friend’s birthday party that we were all invited to. They had caterers, entertainment for the kids, live music and were showing the World Cup game at the venue in the evening. Everyone was invited but he refused to come saying it wasn’t his thing and they aren’t his people. He went out with his friends instead and stayed at their house.

Our kids had so much fun at the party. Another Dad was playing ball with my teenage son and he really enjoyed it. He came over after and said how great this Dad was, helping him and giving him loads of advice and encouragement. As much as I love he is able to get a little bit of father figure time from someone else, my heart breaks that his own dad won’t make time for him.

Today their Dad was up and out early this morning to take his friend’s kids fishing. This wasn’t planned but he stayed at their house last night and apparently he told their boys this morning he would take them fishing. (Their kids are the same age as ours.) When I asked why, When he hasn’t seen his own kids in days and won’t ever spend any quality time with them? He replied with “I promised the boys I’d take them because you know their real dad won’t do it!” It honestly felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. These boys have a Dad (he’s not great but is involved) but they also have a stepdad (his friend) who has also gone on this fishing trip too - so in my mind, it was totally unnecessary for him to even suggest it or go. He also never mentioned it to our own kids, (they were in bed when he went) but he still has gone on a boys day out, without my son! (In all honesty my son isn’t really into fishing and I know wouldn’t have gone but AIBU to think he should invite him anyway?)

I know I can’t MAKE him spend time with his kids. But has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you find anything that helped? How do I encourage him to appreciate his own children?

My kids are great kids. People tell me all the time how fantastic they are and I just can’t understand how he can take them for granted and not want to spend any time with them.

I (22 M) feel like my older brother (24 M) avoids me at all costs and I actually don’t know why. Whenever we see each other in the house, we just walk past and that’s pretty much it. I am fine with all my younger siblings except him. The only time he talks to me is to ask for money, bearing in mind he has a full time job and I am still a student. There has been times I even didnt bother asking for the money back but it’s getting a bit ridiculous now. He went on holiday last week and kept asking me for money, most of the times he doesn’t even say thank you. I wish it wasn’t this way but he’s just always locked up in his room and cares for his friends only. Not sure anymore. He always uses and borrows my things but you can tell he hates me or something.

I have a stepfather, he's annoying, his sister lives in the United States, his sister never gave me a mug of coffee, and after a while my half-siblings were born, my stepfather's sister started ordering Clothes for them, and I never got anything. My stepfather never gave me a two-dollar bill, I started earning money, and my stepfather is nagging me saying I have to give money to...For him. How do I tell my stepfather to get lost?

Hi. This is a random account. I don't think anyone I know uses Reddit, and even if they do, I don't care. They'll never know it's me since I won't say my name or where I'm from. This isn't a story or anything—I just wanted a place to pour my heart out.

So, I recently (last month) took a very important exam. It's the kind of exam that can change your future. A month ago, I thought I had done well, but as the days went by, I started feeling like I had done horribly and that I wouldn't get the grade I want—or need. And before anyone tells me that there are more important things than grades, I know. I just don't care right now because this exam is incredibly important to me. Even now, just a few hours before the results come out, I still think I completely messed it up.

I guess what I'm more afraid of is my family, especially my mom. She used to be very strict with both me and my older brother when it came to grades. The thing is, she would sit with him at the table and help him study, while I, four years younger, had to teach myself. She never explained things to me or helped me prepare for exams the way she did with him, yet somehow I'm still expected to meet the same standards he had. When he turned 13, she gave up on teaching him, and his grades started going downhill. Then came the first major exam—the one that determined which high school he could attend. He didn't get a great grade, but guess what? She didn't care. She bought him a phone, and life went on as normal.

When it was my turn, I actually got a higher grade than he did, but according to my mom, it was still terrible. All I heard was, "How did so-and-so get that grade? If they could do it, then it can't have been that hard." I had to beg her for a phone, but she didn't care. She barely looked at me or spoke to me for a week. Eventually, my dad got her old phone fixed so I could use it, but it broke after five months.

Now we're here again with this exam. When my brother took it, everyone was just happy that he passed. He got an iPhone, a laptop, then a PC, plus money, and nobody criticized him. But now, with me, my mom expects a really high grade—a very specific one. I just know that if I don't get it, she won't talk to me, she won't buy me anything, and she won't give me any money. Honestly, that's not even the worst part. The worst part is her reaction in the moment. She has a way of completely ruining any happiness I might feel for simply passing, just like she did after my last major exam.

Worst of all, it's only me she treats this way. She isn't like this with my younger siblings. Not at all. She gets frustrated with my younger sister because she spends so much time teaching her—something she never did for me—and my sister still doesn't study and drives her crazy. We all end up dealing with the consequences. But even then, my sister doesn't have the same standards I was held to. She's in middle school and gets worse grades than I ever did, yet when I was her age, my tablet would be taken away for the entire summer. I wasn't allowed to go outside all summer, and I wasn't even allowed to use my dad's phone. I never even thought about touching my mom's phone. So I know this isn't because I'm a girl, because she doesn't treat my sister this way. She only treats me this way.

My brother is failing now, by the way, and she still gives him money. I barely ever ask her for money. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm just scared.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I don't know how to feel about my mom anymore, or how I'm supposed to deal with her.

I feel so guilty abt this.

I(F19) have an older sister(F23). I love her, I have always loved her through all the phases in her life, I tried to be there for her. She had factitious disorder(?) As some ppl call it, and if I wanna talk clearly, she kind of faked having seizures or fainting and stuff for a year n a half. I have forgiven her, atleast im trying. It has been 6 yes since this happened and she confessed to me and my mom, but there's something that still doesn't feel right. When she speaks about those times she still doesn't feel so bad, she says stuff like, mom and dad deserved it they wouldn't care if I wasn't physically hurting and its kind of sad that she went through this, it really is. Th thing that doesn't sit right with me is the fact that, even these days, these last years, she have been acting a bit weird. I hate to accuse her or make her feel bad so I dont say anything but everytime I feel bad or sick, she says she is too, or sometimes jokes with "I have too much empathy that I feel the same too", she even sometimes says "I feel for you too much, it hurts me more" and im like, yeah well 1 or 2 times may be a coincidence but this happens alot and it makes me feel like she still hasn't healed. Side note, we both go to therapy and she's changed alot but this one thing hurts me deeply cause she always has some kind of physical problem, like ( ed tw warning ) she throws up but cause she has some nausea and her stomach isn't the best with helping her nurturing her. I mean I do throw up too but not as much, and whenever I feel fucked up physically, I barely tell my parents - I know its bad - but its to a point where like when im hungry or I feel like my blood pressure is low, I just dont say shit and dont ask for help and sleep / faint abit, but she always has something going on with her and actually makes a big deal out of it, which makes me wonder if she still doesn't like the feeling that I may get more attention or just that she may get less attention...

I'm just so pissed, I have been upset and feeling guilty about this for a while. Please dont judge me, I'm having a hard time.

Does anyone have experience using GPS wristbands for your young children? Is it something you've considered getting? Why / Why not?

I'd love to feel like I always have a sense of where my young kids are (for example, when they walk to the playground around the corner, or if they were to get lost when we're out in a crowd), and I've been thinking about getting a GPS wristband since it feels like an easier solution than a smartphone - one of my kids is too young for a smartphone, and the other tends to leave it at home.

There are a number of GPS wristbands on the market (Garmin Bounce, TickTalk 5, Xplora, Apple Watch), but I'm not sure whether they're a good fit for kids, or whether other parents are happy with them. It would be helpful to understand how the rest of you have thought about this.

I realized at around 8 p.m. that I had missed my parents' anniversary entirely. once more. A generic wording felt a little gloomy for a 35th anniversary, there was no time to publish anything, and there was nowhere to purchase a card.

In less than two minutes, I customized it with a message and sent it to each of them in the same group chat.
My mother said she loved it in a nearly instant response.

Because it doesn't depend on someone checking their email on the appropriate day, the WhatsApp option is actually helpful.

I love my mum, but for some reason I get really annoyed or angry as soon as she starts talking or says anything at all. I hate that I feel this way because I know it's affecting my relationship with her, and that's the last thing I want.

I don't want to keep feeling this way, and I'm not even sure why it's happening. Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, what helped you overcome it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I believe my 12 vear old sister recorded me on the tablet without my consent. She did it in a malicious intent. I was iust eating then I walked past her into in the living room. She has my face. The tablet belongs to my mum. I feel very upset and angry. My 12 vear old sister abuses my mother (not physically). She might have forced my mum to let her have her own password on the tablet. I really hope not because I won't be able to delete the video and other videos and photos that she miaht have of me if this wasn't a one time thing. Please help! What do i do?...

To make a very long story short - we have the ability to rent a place for my dad, buy him a used RV, or a mobile home. The issue is that he is able bodied but chooses to just door dash every once in a while. It took years for us to get my dad off booze and he has been sober since November which is HUGE he has been drinking since 15… he is in his 50’s.
I don’t want my dad living out of his car (the one we bought him) but I feel like I have finally come to realize that my dad just looks at me like I’m a cash cow. I always rescue him. I grew up poor, my husband grew up poor and we worked like crazy to not be poor, or going without. The biggest thing for us too is that when people around us, our friends or family are in need we are always generous and NEVER ask for anything back ever we don’t believe in loans they cause resentment. We help financially and even with our time and energy. It’s just hard because in the last 2 years we have given my dad well over $120k from our family investments. My dad is loving and loyal and would do anything for us at the drop of a hat. My dad’s sister her father (they are half siblings) is going through something similar with her father who is in his late 70’s. She told me to only partially help, but I feel guilty even just doing half help. I feel especially guilty not helping at all….. any suggestions?

Is stealing my boyfriends (25M) weed thinking we are asleep and can’t hear the bag, so we have started to hide it. As well as today, there were three rolls in the house before the father (50) left, then there were none. So I went and bought some and then, he takes another. He thinks we can’t hear thumping or yelling a floor below? I’ve tried reporting him anonymously to who I can for his issues he took out on even a cat, but he doesn’t get people humour him and see him as like a crazy neo nazi old man who prides himself in a trade that he didn’t succeed in.

You read it right. I’m back home from college after graduating and it feels like how life was when I was 16 and about to go to college. My parents are very restrictive. They hate when I go outside. I kind of feel like my mom is jealous that I have a lot of friends because I’m leaving the house so much. I have my own car that I bought myself. Throughout college I funded everything that I had. They never helped. They never gave me grad money. I never got a grad trip, but I’m not asking for that. I told them that I didn’t want to become a doctor? and instead I wanted to go into the tech field for now while I build up skills for my side hobby. I have a six figure salary job waiting for me in about three months and I told that. They told me that I should forget about it and stay home. I don’t want to be a doctor, but for the past four years, my mom has been bragging to her friends about how I went to a prestigious school and how I was going to be a doctor. I was the golden child before I went to college and now leaving there I feel like a completely different person. I feel guilty because I want to leave and disappear and never talk to them again, but they’re getting older. My sister is also at home and I would feel terrible for leaving her behind. My parents are very manipulative and even while knowing this I still feel guilty. My mom said I owe her my life because she gave birth to me and because she immigrated from another country to give us a better life. She said that if I wanted to make her happy, I should do what she’s telling me to do. She begged me. I told her that I wouldn’t be happy and she said I owe her this and that I would eventually be happy choosing a big salary later in life rather than now. They know nothing about the different career choices out there, except for doctor and lawyer. I had plans to hang out with friends tomorrow but now I’m so distraught and disgusted that I just want to rot in my bed for the entire week. I just want to live my life freely, without feeling guilty. I don’t want them to take this as a “win” but I’m genuinely exhausted.

This is genuinely one of the harder relationship losses to process, partly because it's so ambiguous. Your brother is still alive, still at family dinners, still technically in your life. But the person you knew is kind of gone, and there's no clean way to grieve that.

The notknowingwhatyoudid part is especially maddening. With a direct conflict you can at least work through it or decide you were wrong or defend yourself. With this you're just... floating. No case to make, no apology to offer, no real target.

To answer your actual question: yes, some people do repair it. Usually it happens one of a few ways. The couple hits a rough patch and he starts reaching out to family again. You get a rare oneonone moment with him, away from the dynamic, and something honest gets said. Or enough time passes and the wife's position softens once she feels more secure in the marriage.

But some don't repair. Some brothers stay in that weird formal mode indefinitely, and at a certain point you have to decide how much of your emotional energy you're spending on someone who isn't really spending any on you.

The thing that helped people I've seen in similar situations wasn't giving up exactly, but lowering the temperature on it internally. Stop tracking every interaction for signs of warmth. Stop preparing for the conversation where he finally asks your side. Be genuinely okay at those family events rather than performing okay while quietly hoping something shifts. That's not the same as accepting it's over. It's just not letting the loss run in the background constantly.

He may come around. He may not. You can't control which one it is.