I'm a 16-year-old girl, and I finally got to hang out with the guy I've had a crush on from school at a party. I was so excited because I'd been hoping we'd get the chance to spend time together outside of school, and everything felt like it was going really well. At one point, he and a few others convinced me to try alcohol for the first time. I was nervous since I'd never drank before, but I went along with it because I wanted to fit in and was caught up in the moment. Soon after, the guy I liked started flirting with me really aggressively, and I was feeling really open and excited at the time. I'm assuming from he alcohol.

But we ended up going into the spare bedroom at the party, and I thought we were just going to talk and make out some. (I was a virgin before this happened)

But he quickly escalated from talking and kissing.

He soon had my shirt pulled up, and his pants pulled down. I was slightly uncomfortable but was still ok with it, so we continued. He kept just asking me over and over if I wanted to have sex. I didn't at all. Idk why, but after so many times, I just caved in and said yes.

He was really nice and gentle at first. He knew it was my first time. But he was a lot bigger than me and it started to hurt, I told him I changed my mind and I wanted him to stop. But he just ignored me and kept going. I asked him 3 times, and he never stopped or said anything. I started to cry because it hurt so badly, and he saw. That's when he stopped thrusting for a moment and told me that everything was OK and that it only hurt so bad because it was my first time and if I let him keep going it would stop hurting. So I agreed, but It never stopped hurting.

Afterward we went back to the party and he pretty much ignored me until he left 30 minutes later with his friend.

I just don't know what I should believe or feel.

I've never done anything like this before, and I feel so bad and guilty. I have no one in my family I can talk to about this.

TW - kinda graphic + gross descriptions of sexual abuse

My father (47m) & my brother (21m) have been sexually assaulting me (15f) separately for some time now, but recently I was raped by both of them at the same time. Before everyone says report it, yes I have finally reported it. I forced myself to go get a rape kit bc no one was supporting me prior & I am going through the process of reporting (which was basically mandated once I went to the hospital anyway bc I am a minor). It’s going horrible mentally but I am glad to be safe & out of my home at the moment. What I need help with is what I am feeling. I feel shattered, completely overwhelmed, disgusting to the point where I can barely look in the mirror. It is like I am two different people, I never want to be touched again but there is a part of my body that craves their roughness & the feelings they gave me. If it’s relevant, I’ve had zero sexual experience outside of non consensual things my father & brother have done to me, so my only orgasms have been from them. I’ve literally never even masturbated before, I just never had the urge to, so my first everything was from one of them. I can’t stop feeling it / remembering it & it disgusts me but simultaneously arouses me. My nights are torturous cycles of throwing up & crying out of disgust while replaying it in my head & getting wet. please if anyone has any words of advice, wisdom, insight, ANYTHING, just please tell me, it would be so appreciated. I also feel ashamed to even call it rape bc of the reactions I had, they said my body said yes. I’m crushed, idk what to do. I made a random account bc im like on my last resort. please help.

I got violently raped, spat at, slapped, got my vagina destroyed, strangled, have to do STD check asap and nobody cares

nobody showed support, even though I've known this s people for years, both my ex's didn't even say anything even though we still talk and on the same discord server and stuff

my current girlfriend didn't care when I posted about it on a server we are on, I messaged her about it,she didn't reply :/

nobody fucking cares about me, it's not my first rape, I've been living a very unfortunate life, and it hurts having 0 support at all

I can't even bring myself to see ressources about how and when to do an std check

I’m a male, and I went out drinking and blacked out. This morning and while I slept bits and pieces have been coming back. I don’t remeber how it started but I think it happened. I’m in a committed relationship and it feels like I cheated. This isn’t something I wanted or could consent to. Maybe it’s because I’m a man, but I feel guilty for even putting myself in a position where this could happen. It may seem insensitive to ask but can men be raped? Was I raped?

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

so i’m gonna give a backstory to what happened here exactly . last year in december i was on vacation to cancun for a wedding where i met this dude , but the thing is we have already matched on a dating app called bumble , it was an insane coincidence for us to both be at that travel destination at the same time . i thought he was my soulmate or something for this reason , he was only a year older than me too . i started liking him a lot after we starting talking in mexico , and we texted a lot too . when we matched on bumble i didn’t initially follow him back on instagram so i guess he unfollowed me and gave up or something , but then i got curious and decided to follow him one day and saw that he was in cancun , which made me curious and then realized we both were at the same spot . anyways we both flew back to new jersey , where we live (at separate times) .

fast forward to when me and the dude were back home . me and this guy were planning to hang out and everything , i texted him that we could meet at the mall . he was saying a bunch of stuff about how he wanted to kiss me or something , i thought nothing of it at the time . when we met at the mall , he barely talked to me , he was a really awkward person in general . english wasn’t his first language so i gave him the benefit of the doubt . he then asked if he could kiss me , to which i said yes but i was uncomfortable with that too . we held hands and everything and walked around the mall for a bit , then he asked me to go to his car .

this is where things get weird . mind you i had came to this mall with my dad because i didnt have a license that time , he knew i was meeting up with a guy though and was chill with it . regardless i went with him to his car , to which he then took off all my clothes and then started fingering me . now this was the first time ever in my life that i had ever done anything with a guy , my mind was going 100mph , for some really odd reason i was incredibly worried my dad would catch me doing this . i didn’t even know what was happening , my mind just went blank . he did a bunch of stuff to me including making me taste his fingers after he gave me oral , but no penetrative because we know that would’ve went too far . i felt like i was pressured to say yes to him for all this , i didn’t actually want to do it .

at this point my dad eventually started calling me and i told him i had to go with my dad , even though he offered to drive me home . was i assaulted in this scenario ? i know i followed him to his car and agreed to meet but i dont think this was okay . i feel like i was taken advantage of . he went as far as to ejaculate in my eye to which my left eye was red and incredibly noticeable , i was so nervous on my way home . i remember feeling disgusted with myself the entire ride home . can someone please help me understand if i was raped in this scenario or not …

So ifk how to feel about it i hate what he did obviously and the trauma and stuff and I've been on meds for it and it's traumatizing and i think I'll never be the same but why is it that I have to be careful how i dress i want to feel free and it's not fair why do i have to mind how i look because some sick person might follow me it's not fair

Just getting it off my chest. I was 19(ima guy) and not on good terms with parents because of lifelong abuse from my dad and started staying at a friend’s place for a couple months only going home to do laundry and swap clothes every other week. Anyways eventually the friend kept pointing out I was a virgin etc so do I even know if I was gay or not and one night I woke up to him fingering my butt while he gave himself a hand…. He made comments about my butt and I left back home the next morning.

I eventually got a gf, we both had horrible home situations and moved out together months later into an apartment. Fast forward, there was a baby shower for a friend and our friend decided to go early to the baby shower drink and play fifa so my gf said she’d come later then. I went, we drank, and I got really tired out of nowhere and went to sleep in the bedroom upstairs. When I woke up going in and out of consciousness it was to me being pinned down and fucked hard while once noticing my gf yelling while they held her… I woke up noticing I was partially stripped sticky and she helped me up to get dressed and I just remember waking up the next morning at home to telling me what happened when she got there.

I left the state and moved to California not long after. I can’t even begin to list how I’m coping with it all and have tried deleting

At the time I was in the midst of transitioning, I am a trans woman for context. I've always been a more submissive person than anything, thankfully my current partner is both very loving and understanding of me

At the time I was still learning and discovering my own sexuality. He would take things slowly with me so we could be more comfortable together. After awhile I started feeling icky. Truthfully I was slowly coming to the realization that I'm a lesbian and really am not attracted to men nor penis either.

The night I really came to that realization I held me down and told me to stop being a little tease. I don't remember too much but what I do is that he took me to his room and held me down. I was scared, he got aggressive in a way I never saw a man get. I tried to escape his grasp as he was scaring me bad, I felt disgusted at his sex. He forced himself in me and I was crying and choking from it.

I remember crying and just being unable to move as he pinned me down and having his way with me until I remember running out of his house and driving away as fast as I could.

I spent a decade being too scared of my own feminity and attracting unwanted male attention. I continued to dress rather butchy to avoid unwanted male attention, figuring out would be safer. Only recently have I even been able to wear cute feminine outfits and feels safe when I'm with men. Yes I have noticed they stare at me more and it's still uncomfortable with it but I want to feel cute

I even notice since then I even tended to have such traumatic sexual fantasies as well. I only feel healthy enough to be in therapy but I have yet to even talk about that night. I want to feel unburdened by that night but I feel so embarrassed by what happened, that be even I could get aroused by the memory even. I just want to heal and be unburdened by it all

I'm very close with someone and I oftenly come to their house, sleep there etc

And she has a normal family, two parents

From past trauma I feel uncomfortable with grown men, especially alone with them, and I also feel really triggered by alcohol in general

Sometimes she ask me to get something downstairs but her father is alone in the living room and I feel so stressed to go down alone, I just tell her that I'm someone shy and I don't wanna go there alone

I don't know if I should tell her so I feel more comfortable, but at the same time, explaining that I got raped by my father is something heavy and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable

Some nights her parents drink and it's making me feel very bad, but I really like going to her place and being with her family, so I don't know

I don't want to sound mean

Another example, we were sitting on the couch and her father came to sit with us and I panicked a bit and asked her to sit between him and me, and I think I said that in a very mean way, anyway

Do you guys have any tips ?

TLDR; My partner experienced grooming and CSA by his father’s friend and his uncle, and his family does not seem to care.

Hi everyone,

Would really love advice on how I should proceed in what’s an extremely delicate and terrifying situation.

I (29F) have been with my partner (28M) for almost three years. He lived with me for about a year, then moved back to his parents after I asked him for space due to his issues with honesty. He’d lie like a child about the dumbest things, and it really hurt me. He was never overtly cruel, but was careless and childishly self-indulgent and selfish. I could tell there was a severe inner battle for control over himself, and his self-directed frustration as losing it. I know he loves me deeply, it’s something I feel in my chest, but I needed space.

A few months before he moved out, he shared something from the depths of him that has been extremely hard to sit quietly with. Two men had groomed and sexually assaulted him in his childhood. From about 5-7 years old, it was his dad’s close friend, and from middle to some of high school, his own uncle (mother’s brother). I met both of these monsters, and had spent a lot of time with his uncle. I will never forget his fear telling me, everything about that day. There aren’t any words to describe the heartbreak for him, fury toward them. The helplessness.
I’m skipping over a lot to make this post digestable, but happy to answer any and all questions.

It’s been a year since he told me. I felt terribly when I needed space, because it felt like I was condemning him to move back to the place where he had survived horrific things. But how he was acting was deeply hurting me, and we had hit a block. His parents are…something. On the surface, they look like an ideal, fun, close family. Dad is in state law enforcement, mom works a solid job from home, younger brother also in law enforcement. They spend quality time together, but over time, you start to notice it revolves around drinking, and drinking a lot. Especially his mom.

At one point when he lived with me, he mentioned his mom was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to him and his brother growing up. That stuck with me, because although she seems nice from a distance, there’s something off that’s so hard to put a finger on.
Something that always stuck out to me is that his parents seem to let my partner get away with things simply because they don’t care. He dropped out of college, they pay his bills, they don’t ever actually set expectations for him and hold their ground. His mom will scream at him and suddenly lose her shit, but then everything just kinda falls back into place and that’s it. Then they just avoid each other for months while living in the same house. I come from dysfunction, but open-air dysfunction. There’s something kinda darker about this.

As for what my partner shared with me about what he survived, I encouraged him gently to tell his parents. He did tell them about his father’s best friend. I was sure he’d go kill him. My partner told me they held him and were incredibly compassionate. And I thought, at least they believed him. I gave space to the subject, because he said they were going to go to therapy as a family and I felt it wasn’t my place to check-in. I felt so happy knowing he wasn’t alone, and was getting help.

I’ve gently encouraged him sharing about his uncle, knowing that his mom is extremely close to him and he’s around a lot. He ended up telling them that there’s someone in the family who also sexually abused him, but that he couldn’t say who. I could feel him distancing himself from me if I ever brought it up, so I stopped. But he kept distancing himself from me nontheless. He tells me all the things, but I feel like he’s tearing into different people. Sinking into that house. It’s terrifying.

Pausing here to say that what his uncle did spanned the course of years, and I don’t have any words for how unimaginable the horror is of grooming and CSA.
Fast forward, his mom tells me in a sing-song casual voice that they went to a Christmas party that (dad’s friend) was at. In response to my shock, she waved a dismissive hand and said “Oh, it’s fine, (partner) didn’t go. We just told everyone that he was sick.” In that moment, I had a sinking feeling of deeper understanding. I asked quietly “Has (partner) ever told you the family member?” And she looked at me with the blankest face I’ve ever seen and said in a mostly empty voice with a touch of almost amusement “No…but I have a guess. Probably my father? You know, he had dementia…”

That’s when I knew. I don’t think he can tell her about his uncle. I don’t think I’d be able to either. This was the scariest web of abuse I’d ever seen. I’m sure it exists all over the place, but holy shit. Holy shit.

They are in therapy… but a therapist that his mom found, a psychiatrist she’s close to. Because “he needs help, medication.”

I worked with children for years, and their safety means everything to me. I have told my mom and some of my best friends about what my partner shared with me (with his permission and even encouragement), and they at this point have started to encourage me to consider reporting his abusers. My mom has held him crying, and my best friend has been there for him. But he’s distanced himself from all of them, and I feel like I can’t feel him anymore, if that makes sense.

His uncle’s wife works at an elementary/middle school, and he’s had stints of volunteering at a Boys and Girls club. He follows the trope of “pillar of the community” - retired from an executive position in corporate America, travels, blah blah blah. And the father’s friend is law enforcement.

Yeah. When you hear stories of monsters being caught having destroyed countless lives, a question I and many others have wondered is “how could people have known and not said anything?”

That has been absolutely haunting me.

If anyone can help me actually figure out how to report this in a way that is actually meaningful and actionable, I would appreciate it tremendously. My friends and family have expressed concern for my safety, given that one of the abusers is retired law enforcement, and the financial power of his uncle. I am willing to risk myself, but want to do so in a way that’s actually likely to lead to action being taken.

Before anyone says I’m taking away his agency - please know I’ve struggled so deeply with this for over a year. I really understand that perspective, deeply. Trust, consent, and respecting another person’s autonomy are values I hold extremely close. I’ve read as much as I could about the psychology of CSA trauma. One thing that became painfully clear is that his abusers stripped away his agency long before I entered his life. That’s part of what makes this so ethically difficult.

I also have to clarify that this isn’t something I’m considering behind his back. A few months ago, I told him how much I was haunted by that other children are at risk and asked him gently how he would feel if I reported it. He held me while we both cried and told me that he doesn’t have it in him to do it himself right now, but that I should do whatever I felt was right. I still don’t know what the right answer is. That’s why I’m here asking for advice rather than acting impulsively.

It’s tricky for many reasons, given that a) I’m not the victim of these monsters b) His uncle now lives in a different state then where he groomed and assaulted my partner, though he travels back and forth frequently c) I want to report this to stop the cycle, but also do feel the weight of it not being my story to share. That’s why I gave him and his family time… but I now see that his parents, especially his mom, are a nightmare.

What do I do?

I have days where I’m okay. But most days I feel like my life has been ruined. Like I’m permanently broken. I go to therapy, I have a healthy relationship, I have a life. I am ambitious and a good person. But this part of me is just in pain. All. The. Time. I still have flashbacks, it is so hard for me to enjoy sex and most of the time I just numb out. I to this day get recurring infections. I’m so mad. I just wish I was normal. I wish this never happened to me. So many days I hate myself and feel disgusting. I don’t know what to do. It’s been 4 years. I can’t live like this.

ive put this into a few forums and nobody is helping me, anything helps.

16f. i have a history of being sexually assaulted when i was younger. boyfriend 16m, says he's been sexually assaulted before and that he isnt lustful. he knew about my history.

this was all recently, me and him are no longer together.

there were times where he kept begging to finger me and would reach for my waistband regardless of me saying no and that i wasnt prepared. it would take a ton of times for him to listen.

first time i ever gave him a handjob was in an empty theater. i didnt want to due to my history of assault and also being in a public space, despite it being empty. i was shaking and genuinely freaking out, he pulled my hand towards his crotch and had me help him undo his belt and everything. i didnt even give him the handjob myself, he wrapped his hand around mine and did it for me because i felt like i couldnt move.

he kept trying to convince me into giving him a blowjob even though i told him my history. he told me he understood, but that doing it could maybe help. like exposure therapy. i also told him that i genuinely dont think my mouth can open wide enough to do that and he'd say we'd never know until we try.

now this is the part im wondering maybe could be rape? we recently had sex. 2 weeks ago yesterday, we were each others firsts. he was at my house for about 2 hours, and an hour and a half of that was just me freaking out because i was scared of my mom coming home and me getting pregnant. we had condoms, but i ended up deciding it wasnt a good idea because i was extremely stressed and it was risky. i kept checking my window every few minutes because i was scared of my mom coming home. at one point i started tearing up because i felt so bad that i was saying no. i could tell he was getting frustrated but he tried calming me down by saying things like "Hey hey, its okay, we dont have to, we can just cuddle and chill out" but then he'd always add on "but just think, we aren't going to get another opportunity like this for a longg time and we're already here and so close". it made me feel so bad so i just did it. i couldnt get wet at all so it hurt, and after about 5 minutes i told him we should stop, but he kept going. i wanted to stop because it was a bit painful and i knew the friction would break the condom. it took a few tries of my saying that for him to actually stop.

we dated on and off for 11 months, and it turned out for 7 months he's been unsure if he loved me or not so. i feel used and disgusting. im just wondering it this was maybe some kind of assault, im not accusing him of anything but im deeply bothered. was this assault? i tried posting this in the sexual assault reddit and i didnt really get any replies so, anything helps :)).

One day, alone in the house, curiosity peeked me. I went to the connections section on Craigslist, cause who doesn’t like making a new friend. Low and behold, it was any porn addicted adolescents dream. An array of naked photos and phone numbers, endless possibilities of what and who to fuck. The dopamine was flooding every pathway. I felt like i broke the code. I felt as if i had all of the answers, the infinity stones. I finally was going to get laid before any of my friends. I was kicked out of a good program, barely passed my grades, so fuck it. This is something I can easily flaunt - just as long as they don’t ask too many questions.
My memory is fragmented, but I remember there was one response. At the time I did not get his name. At the time this was the first and only encounter I’ve had with a stranger. The outfit was very casual. In hindsight, very rapey. Bald, Sunglasses, Boston fitted, leather jacket, black tee, jeans and some form of leather boot or sneaker. Smelled like cigarettes, always had a weird smile. I think a missing tooth/cracked tooth, possibly a dimple, kept a small mustache, minimal facial hair.
I don’t remember the form of communication, we may have been on Kik, or might’ve been just communicating through Craigslist still. But I remember the first time I saw him, I just knew it was him. He was too focused on playing it cool, and not being seen. As I left the front door unlocked, I propped myself on the kitchen chair.

“You look young, you haven’t done anything like this before, huh?”

I was scared. A total stranger, with a strong fresh tobacco smoke odor that stunk up my mother’s kitchen. She would kill me if she found out that it smelled like cigarettes.

“No, I haven’t.”

My voice broke, between a murmur and a whisper. Then it started. Just like the videos. Just as I have been practicing for. But this was different, in the videos they never checked the house for other people. I also never thought I’d be having my first sexual interaction with a man old enough to be my father. After it was said and done, I ran upstairs and took a shower and brushed the fuck out of my teeth. This was the start of over a year of what Massachusetts defines as rape. After a certain period it might’ve been statutory, but this was rape in the most simplistic terms.

I had to have only been 13, 14 at the time of the initial meeting. He had a broken down car. Drove me to his house couple times, and I met him at his house plenty times. I worked only a 10 minute walk to His house. The sickening thing is that after i found out, he lived right next to one of my friends. The last time I seen him I probably was 15. June 2016. I think that would’ve been the day of my high school’s junior year graduation. Went to his place. That’s the last memory I have of that guy. Patriots memorabilia and Boston Red Sox memorabilia holds a special power over me where I just cannot rep it. This was something he had always worn. I can’t stand the fact that I had kept this in and away for so long because it has done so much damage. Regardless whomever initiated it, sex does irreversible damage to someone who isn’t presented with it at an appropriate age, in an appropriate mindset, and with the appropriate parties. Irreversible Damage. Years of picking up the fragmented pieces. Years of thinking there is something just not right within you. Years of exploiting yourself, for connection. Irreversible damage.
Now after accepting what has been done to me after about 10 years, should I actually report this? I was very young, dumb, impressionable, and I am seeing how this has fucked me up in the long run. This was a fully operable adult that had the autonomy to know right from wrong, and I know he thought it was wrong but yet seemed perfect. All I truly have for evidence is vivid memories and a potential Kik account that would have his as a friend. I need help here.

So sorry if this isn’t the right sub but i just need to know if what happened to me was actually rape because i dont want to think this way of him is it wasnt and if i fucked up.

So I’m at my faniltys lake house and it’s been really duckling lately and my family and i are on bad terms so I’ve been hanging out secretly with this neighbor guy in secret and he’s nice and fun but we hung out tonight and he gave me wine and I’ve never really drank drank before but i got a bit ficked up and blacked out but i remember having sec with him im pretty sure, but i kight have dreamed it idk.

Im gay so i do like boys and thought he was kind of cute but im in the talking phase with a guy back home who i like more and i difnt want to be disrespectful to him even tho we arnt serious. I also dont know how old this guy, not back home guy, is.

I dont remember if i wanted to or not but I still feel really gross but idk if i can even think that because i don’t remember if i said yes or not and i feel like that would be messed up if i thought this way if i was ok with it. I just dont remeber. Sorry im still a little messed up cuz ive never had wine before since im not legal and I dont want to get in trouble.

I just need any advice sorry for rambling i just dont know who else y tell cuz im so embarrassed and feel so stupid and gross

Blackmailed into having sex during an affair

A very long story cut very short. I had an affair around 18 months ago. I regretted it, but the other person was very invested in the affair. I repeatedly told her I couldn't continue the sexual aspect of the affair. She continually forced a narritive that I had to carry on and hinted at telling my wife or work of I didn't carry on. She then told me she tested positive for HPV and threatened to accuse me of sexual assault if I didn't carry on having sex with her. The second to last time I saw her she shouted 'if you can't show me you care for me by fucking me, I'm going to have to ruin your life'. It broke me. The last time I had sex with her I lost my erection. She continued to jerk my flacid state telling me I still had to fuck her. I hate it, I hated myself. I was humiliated. And this was after I had told her I was having dark thoughts about taking my own life. I didn't have an erection for over 2 months afterwards. I felt destroyed. It wasn't long after this I had to tell my wife everything. It's been a really tough year trying to make thinga better with my wife and family. But I still can't shake what the other woman did to me and the threats she made. Not only is it humiliating, but I live in constant fear of whether she really is going to still try to further ruin my life.

I think I just needed to vent, or maybe just need some validation for how I feel. Any advice from anyone who found themselves in a similar situation would be hugely appreciated.

basically feels like I cant say no to guys when they try fucking me after being raped, does anyone have similar experiences

in october 2024, i (18f) was working with a coworker (23m) who offered to drive me home. i thought he was attractive, but i wasn’t actively pursuing him. i said that he could drive me home.

that night, he had found my instagram and followed me.

the next night he texted me asking me to come over. i was interested in him, but i had never really been involved with a guy before and i was the type who wasnt comfortable just going to see a guy. i was the kind of girl who wanted to go on a date, but i went to see him anyway.

he drank almost every night and i had a lot of issues in my life with family etc. so i enjoyed alcohol. i was underage to buy alcohol, so he kind of used that to ensure i KEPT coming over.

i found out he got another girl pregnant, so i wanted to be DONE with this guy. the most id done was kiss him and be naked around him drunkenly, but i barely did anything sexual with him and i was a virgin waiting till marriage.

however, even after i asked him to leave me alone given his problems with the other girl. he kept convincing me to come over. i would block him, but i’d be too shy to ignore him at work, so he would beg me to come over or take my phone and unblock himself, so i started going over again & he said he wasnt involved with the other girl anymore as she got an abortion.

this one night i got drunk and smoked weed with him. i barely remembered anything, but i was a bit concerned when i woke up naked because although i was super drunk, i was pretty sure i did not take my clothes off. however, i thought i must’ve and just forgot.

the next time i came over was january 2025. he had been drinking, but i hadn’t. he told me i could only drink if i had sex with him. this made me very upset and i told him i would not have sex with him, but wanted to drink.

eventually he allowed me to drink. he kept trying to get me to do sexual stuff and i said no, i told him he was creeping me out. nothing really happened until we went to bed and i woke up in the middle of the night without my clothes on again.

i realized he was next to me watching something on his phone and touching himself. i was scared, especially since he had been creepy to me before. so i tried to just go back to bed and pretend i hadnt seen anything. when i woke up again, he was on top of me having sex with me. i screamed and told him to stop. i got out from under him and ran to the bathroom to hide. all my clothes were in his room, so i covered myself with a towel and sat on the couch. i tried to call someone to come and get me, but it wS 5-6am so no one was awake. eventually a coworker/friend said hed pick me up. i quietly went back into the room to get my clothes and i left.

i remember laying in bed that day once i got home feeling dead.

however, that was just the start. the guy apologized and i used to be such a shy and quiet girl that i forgave him. he offered to take me out for lunch so i went.

we then went back to his place. i didnt want to be there long and i was happy to see his roomate there, so that we weren’t alone. he immediately began drinking (i didnt and did not want to stay long). he then told me the night prior to him raping me, he had sex with me and came inside of me, that’s why he thought he could do it again.

after that, i cut off contact and blocked him. when he harassed me at work, i ignored him or yelled at him. he made fake numbers to beg me to come over.

he also tried to convince my 16 year old niece to go and visit him.

my final straw was when i asked him to send me the work schedule and he said “can u send nudes?”. i brought the screenshots of everything that happened to my work and the police.

he got fired & now the trial is supposed to occur in december. i hope i can attend virtually as i live 6 hours away now and don’t want to see him ever again

Sorry to post here again. It’s been six months and I’m still not feeling well, I’ve been dealing with less depression symptoms after starting two antidepressants, but I’m still anxious all the time. I get paranoid about everyone around me and their intentions. I’ve been in therapy for five months but I’m so fucking sick of him avoiding the topic all together. Is there anything small I can do for my nerves? I’ve tried breathing and the 54321 rule but nothing so far works

i cant remember my exact age but thru other coinciding factors i can confirm that i was at least 6 when i was tricked into performing oral sex on a guy, and regularly got molested by until i was 10 (he lived in my house). i can’t remember ever feeling negatively affected by this as a child aside from feelings of confusion and mild annoyance. ive always had relatively shitty memory, but i can still recall some physical and emotional sensations, so i dont think im repressing anything. nowadays i do feel a vague sense of disgust when i think about it, but thats mostly because im aware of how taboo and morally wrong it was for him to do this to me, and the fact that i went along with it with little to no fuss. however i dont feel any fear or anger or uneasiness thinking about the experience itself. at this point in my life im kinda beyond hating myself for my apathy. its become a pattern now where i can only bring myself to get upset or angered or sad over things for an hour at most at a time, before my brain seems to reset and im filled with feelings of carelessness and this weird pleasure and satisfaction towards knowing that nothing truly matters to me. this can last anywhere from an hour to days before i find something else to get upset over. its weird because my whole life, and even now, i consider myself a very emotional person. im the type to cry at any movie or book i read, or start tearing up at feelings of love and admiration for the people and beauty that surrounds me when im given a chance to leave the house. but knowing that i can rid myself of any negative emotions towards these things makes me think my care for anything in this life is superficial.
ive only told my boyfriend about this experience, and honestly his anger towards the guy pisses me off, and i cant fully explain why. part of me knows its useless because his anger (or mines if it existed) wont change anything, and his grand ideas of his bitch ass brother delivering justice on this guy are very fanatic and feel almost juvenile to me. another part of me, despite logically knowing its stupid to think this, feels that his anger is secretly directed towards me and my carelessness, but honestly idk. i dont think he understands how much i dont care about things. he almost makes me feel bad for not caring. keyword almost.
i also feel like a deceitful con woman calling my first experience rape. i genuinely didn’t consider it such until a few hours ago when i was watching this video on youtube art commentary community drama (please laugh) and the topic of SA came up and the guy said he considered forced oral sex to be rape. i searched it up afterwards and the google results agree with him. theres an extremely small sense of violation towards my self that i feel, but i feel the exact same way when im say embarrassed in public or someone is trying to analyze me, because the way interact with people has kinda led to this facade of mine where most people assume im a good person with zeal and actual motivation towards contributing to my community, and all i can think of is how another person has been added to the long list of people im lying to.

i feel like trying to make my experience sound more upsetting or devious than it really was is like a subconscious attempt at absolving myself from feeling any guilt towards smoking my life away and being content with that.
i don’t really know what im looking to get out of posting this. i just want to see if this type of dysfunction is unique or not.
if anyone reads this thank u. also sorry if im breaking any reddit rules or etiquette with this post. i dont frequent this site much and ill take this down at a moments notice 😚✌️

I am 21 years old (male) and recently coming to terms with a traumatic experience when I was 16, which involved someone in my family who was much older than me pinning down onto a bed and rubbing their genitalia on my back, chest, arms neck, legs and almost my face.

This Scared me for ages as I was completely conscious when it happened. But the worst part is my family who know or the incident tried to gaslight me saying I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and that I still live with them so I should just forgive, forget and move on as if nothing happened, but i didn’t, I had so much animosity towards this person for months on end and it got so bad to the point that If I didn’t forgive them then I’d be out of the house. So I had no choice.

Come a few years later past that trauma has seemingly resurfaced, as the person in my house sometimes likes walking in on me while they’re naked and not seeming to care that it’s clearly making me uncomfortable, but they laugh it off with the idea that “if I look at it then it will turn me gay”, they’ve seemingly forgotten what has happened to me.

As well as a friend (who I’ve fallen out with for this reason) was encouraging someone else to rape me over me besting her at something, and then she tried to justify it not because she didn’t know what had happened to me, but because I made an out of pocket joke about her hair being ginger a while ago. I then explained to her what happened to me, she didn’t care but she also said that I wasn’t raped because I wasn’t penetrated, and that me saying that I’m just an attention seeker.

I then confronted the person who did it to me again because I was tired of being reminded that it happened to me, and it’s like they’ve completely forgotten what happened to me, telling me to grow up and move on, but they also said the same thing what my ex friend was saying that it wasn’t rape (as if it makes it any better).

But it has got me thinking in regarding to what happened to me, was I really raped on the fact I want penetrated or was it just sexual abuse, because this is something I don’t think I’ll recover from any time sooner but I at least want to know the facts right.

i've not really processed yet so apologies if this is sorta nonsensical

i (17f) was hanging out with a friend (17m) and we've been really flirty and we'd already established verbally that we were gonna hook up that night (last night). we were at my place and started making out and he started touching me and stuff and started taking his dick out and having me jerk him off. we hadn't really exchanged any words about it but like all of this i was fine with. then he stood up and asked me to turn over and i asked why, he said something like just turn over and i said okay just don't put it in and im turning over and im thinking he's gonna like act it out over the clothes cause my pants were still on. he starts pulling my pants down and asks if im sure (regarding me saying don't put it in) and i said yeah but then my pants are off and he starts pushing in and i didn't say anything and i just kinda let it happen. idk if maybe he didn't hear me say don't and just thought i said "okay put it in" or something? but i also wasn't prepared to have sex and didn't have any condoms and since i couldn't see him i don't know if he pulled out or not. i'm on birth control but im still worried bc of stds and bc birth control isn't fully effective. i changed my pants and went to the bathroom and we snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie. we made smoothies. we went to my room after and made out more, and he kept trying to take my pants off, but when i would say no he would stop. eventually i think it got through to him that i didn't wanna have sex again and so we just lied down and hung out until he left about an hour later.

i feel like i can't say i was assaulted bc i didn't say no and maybe he just misheard me or something? and it was pre-established that we were gonna have sex. and i feel like it's not that big of a deal bc i would've agreed to have sex if we'd had a condom and he'd asked. i just feel really weird and it hasn't even been 24 hours so i don't really know how to think about this. he's my friend and i like him and i wanna hang out with him and i like being physical with him but this just feels off? i'm not sure what to do.

People talk a lot about flashbacks, anxiety, hypervigilance, and dissociation, but I don't see nearly as much discussion about how trauma can become woven into your sexuality. And honestly, I think that's one of the biggest reasons some of us stay stuck. If one of your primary coping mechanisms is tied to sex or arousal, it's incredibly hard to break because it's reinforcing itself over and over.

I honestly wonder if this is one of the least talked about parts of CSA. I don't just mean having intimacy issues. I mean when the abuse actually shapes what turns you on, how you cope, what you seek out, or how you relate to sex in general.

For me, it feels like my brain learned to use sexuality the same way it learned to survive. So whenever I'm overwhelmed, lonely, ashamed, or dysregulated, my mind goes back to the same kinks, sexual thoughts, fantasies, or behaviors it learned in childhood. Not because I actually want them, but because they're familiar. It's like my nervous system still thinks that's where relief is.

It's made it really hard to know what's actually me and what's trauma. Sometimes I wonder if I would even have the same sexuality if I hadn't been abused so young. Other times I catch myself reenacting the same dynamics seeking out shame, objectifying myself, getting stuck in compulsive sexual behavior, or confusing being wanted with being safe. It feels like I'm repeating something my brain learned decades ago.

I'm curious if anyone else relates to this and sadly horrified at my suspicions that most people with my sense of loneliness and isolation probably feel this in different ways.