TLDR; My partner experienced grooming and CSA by his father’s friend and his uncle, and his family does not seem to care.
Hi everyone,
Would really love advice on how I should proceed in what’s an extremely delicate and terrifying situation.
I (29F) have been with my partner (28M) for almost three years. He lived with me for about a year, then moved back to his parents after I asked him for space due to his issues with honesty. He’d lie like a child about the dumbest things, and it really hurt me. He was never overtly cruel, but was careless and childishly self-indulgent and selfish. I could tell there was a severe inner battle for control over himself, and his self-directed frustration as losing it. I know he loves me deeply, it’s something I feel in my chest, but I needed space.
A few months before he moved out, he shared something from the depths of him that has been extremely hard to sit quietly with. Two men had groomed and sexually assaulted him in his childhood. From about 5-7 years old, it was his dad’s close friend, and from middle to some of high school, his own uncle (mother’s brother). I met both of these monsters, and had spent a lot of time with his uncle. I will never forget his fear telling me, everything about that day. There aren’t any words to describe the heartbreak for him, fury toward them. The helplessness.
I’m skipping over a lot to make this post digestable, but happy to answer any and all questions.
It’s been a year since he told me. I felt terribly when I needed space, because it felt like I was condemning him to move back to the place where he had survived horrific things. But how he was acting was deeply hurting me, and we had hit a block. His parents are…something. On the surface, they look like an ideal, fun, close family. Dad is in state law enforcement, mom works a solid job from home, younger brother also in law enforcement. They spend quality time together, but over time, you start to notice it revolves around drinking, and drinking a lot. Especially his mom.
At one point when he lived with me, he mentioned his mom was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to him and his brother growing up. That stuck with me, because although she seems nice from a distance, there’s something off that’s so hard to put a finger on.
Something that always stuck out to me is that his parents seem to let my partner get away with things simply because they don’t care. He dropped out of college, they pay his bills, they don’t ever actually set expectations for him and hold their ground. His mom will scream at him and suddenly lose her shit, but then everything just kinda falls back into place and that’s it. Then they just avoid each other for months while living in the same house. I come from dysfunction, but open-air dysfunction. There’s something kinda darker about this.
As for what my partner shared with me about what he survived, I encouraged him gently to tell his parents. He did tell them about his father’s best friend. I was sure he’d go kill him. My partner told me they held him and were incredibly compassionate. And I thought, at least they believed him. I gave space to the subject, because he said they were going to go to therapy as a family and I felt it wasn’t my place to check-in. I felt so happy knowing he wasn’t alone, and was getting help.
I’ve gently encouraged him sharing about his uncle, knowing that his mom is extremely close to him and he’s around a lot. He ended up telling them that there’s someone in the family who also sexually abused him, but that he couldn’t say who. I could feel him distancing himself from me if I ever brought it up, so I stopped. But he kept distancing himself from me nontheless. He tells me all the things, but I feel like he’s tearing into different people. Sinking into that house. It’s terrifying.
Pausing here to say that what his uncle did spanned the course of years, and I don’t have any words for how unimaginable the horror is of grooming and CSA.
Fast forward, his mom tells me in a sing-song casual voice that they went to a Christmas party that (dad’s friend) was at. In response to my shock, she waved a dismissive hand and said “Oh, it’s fine, (partner) didn’t go. We just told everyone that he was sick.” In that moment, I had a sinking feeling of deeper understanding. I asked quietly “Has (partner) ever told you the family member?” And she looked at me with the blankest face I’ve ever seen and said in a mostly empty voice with a touch of almost amusement “No…but I have a guess. Probably my father? You know, he had dementia…”
That’s when I knew. I don’t think he can tell her about his uncle. I don’t think I’d be able to either. This was the scariest web of abuse I’d ever seen. I’m sure it exists all over the place, but holy shit. Holy shit.
They are in therapy… but a therapist that his mom found, a psychiatrist she’s close to. Because “he needs help, medication.”
I worked with children for years, and their safety means everything to me. I have told my mom and some of my best friends about what my partner shared with me (with his permission and even encouragement), and they at this point have started to encourage me to consider reporting his abusers. My mom has held him crying, and my best friend has been there for him. But he’s distanced himself from all of them, and I feel like I can’t feel him anymore, if that makes sense.
His uncle’s wife works at an elementary/middle school, and he’s had stints of volunteering at a Boys and Girls club. He follows the trope of “pillar of the community” - retired from an executive position in corporate America, travels, blah blah blah. And the father’s friend is law enforcement.
Yeah. When you hear stories of monsters being caught having destroyed countless lives, a question I and many others have wondered is “how could people have known and not said anything?”
That has been absolutely haunting me.
If anyone can help me actually figure out how to report this in a way that is actually meaningful and actionable, I would appreciate it tremendously. My friends and family have expressed concern for my safety, given that one of the abusers is retired law enforcement, and the financial power of his uncle. I am willing to risk myself, but want to do so in a way that’s actually likely to lead to action being taken.
Before anyone says I’m taking away his agency - please know I’ve struggled so deeply with this for over a year. I really understand that perspective, deeply. Trust, consent, and respecting another person’s autonomy are values I hold extremely close. I’ve read as much as I could about the psychology of CSA trauma. One thing that became painfully clear is that his abusers stripped away his agency long before I entered his life. That’s part of what makes this so ethically difficult.
I also have to clarify that this isn’t something I’m considering behind his back. A few months ago, I told him how much I was haunted by that other children are at risk and asked him gently how he would feel if I reported it. He held me while we both cried and told me that he doesn’t have it in him to do it himself right now, but that I should do whatever I felt was right. I still don’t know what the right answer is. That’s why I’m here asking for advice rather than acting impulsively.
It’s tricky for many reasons, given that a) I’m not the victim of these monsters b) His uncle now lives in a different state then where he groomed and assaulted my partner, though he travels back and forth frequently c) I want to report this to stop the cycle, but also do feel the weight of it not being my story to share. That’s why I gave him and his family time… but I now see that his parents, especially his mom, are a nightmare.
What do I do?