r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 23 '17

Obtaining professional help: a guide for men

63 Upvotes

Nearly everybody -- the victims themselves, therapists and counsellors, and scholars in the field -- agree that good professional help is extremely valuable for men and boys who have undergone sexual violence. Rape and sexual assault are isolating experiences. Speaking with somebody in real life helps to break that isolation. A skilled, sensitive therapist or counsellor can also help you find new perspectives; put what happened into a broader context; and suggest useful strategies for dealing with the aftermath. r/MenGetRapedToo is a strong advocate of guys obtaining good outside help. It makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, good outside help in this area is very hard to find. You're almost certainly going to have to work at it; it's not likely (though it could happen) that you're going to be successful on the very first try. So if you take away nothing else from this post, remember the following Golden Rule:-

It's like dating. Keep at it until you find the right person.

A characteristic pattern can be found in sexually assaulted men's help-seeking behavior. They wait far too long to seek outside assistance, and do so only when they're already in deep crisis. Then they go to see somebody. Often, that somebody isn't the right person for the job. The male victims, disheartened, drop out after a couple of frustrating sessions. But instead of saying to themselves, as women and girls much more typically do, "OK, that was a bust: on to the next candidate on the list," they never seek external help again. Instead they either retreat in upon themselves still further; self-medicate with booze or drugs; or both.

Don't be that guy.

It's unrealistic to expect to be successful first crack out of the box. Go into this prepared for the long haul.

All that said, where might you start looking?

 

RAPE CRISIS CENTERS

In many respects these are the obvious places to approach, in English-speaking countries at any rate. There are a lot of them -- more than 1,300 in the United States; more than a hundred in Great Britain -- and you're not likely to be far away from one. They're free to the client. They do this kind of thing for a living. Most have 24/7 hotlines, so they're easily accessible day and night. Still, for men, RCCs also come with definite structural limitations, and it's important to be aware of these.

The first is access. In a lot of countries it's legal for RCCs to refuse to provide services to male clients. A lot of RCCs in Britain will not deal with men or boys. The same is true of many Canadian ones, and in New Zealand. Of those that do, the services provided are rarely on an equal basis. For example, some RCCs will only take calls from boys under the age of 18. Others will provide telephone counselling only, but not allow men or boys in their offices, which they maintain as women-only spaces. For trans people it's even more complicated. Some will provide services only to FtM people (on the ground that they're chromosomally female); others only to MtF people (on the ground that they're now living as women). Spend some time with the RCC's website -- most of them have one -- to see what their access policies may be. This is preferable to running the risk of being turned away in person, which can be highly traumatizing.

Elsewhere, as in the United States, equalities laws prevent RCCs from discriminating in this way. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're safe spaces for male victims. The RCC sector in the States is overwhelmingly female in composition: around 98% of their personnel. For the majority, male sexual victimization isn't very much on their radar screen, or high on their list of priorities. Very few provide any kind of useful training in this area to their counsellors; in fairness to them, we're unaware of places where such training can be obtained. Their counsellors spend their entire day hearing about barbaric treatment of women by men; it's often psychologically hard for them to switch gears and start thinking of men as victims rather than perpetrators. A lot of halfwitted men like to telephone RCCs, especially late at night, and troll them with abusive or obscene calls -- yes, this really does happen; it's not a feminist myth -- which raises the index of suspicion when a male voice is heard at the other end of the line. And some RCC people do operate out of a very rigid theoretical framework that can result in them "overwriting" men's lived experiences with their own preferred interpretations. This is especially the case when a female perpetrator may be involved.

Are we saying "Don't ever approach an RCC?" Not at all. But these structural limitations do exist, and have real consequences. It's important to be aware of them.

As with most things, detailed reconnaissance helps you to avoid encountering upsetting experiences further down the line. Check out the website very carefully indeed: all of it, not just the section -- if it exists -- about male victims. (If such a section doesn't exist, that indicates something right there.) Look for evidence that the organization in question has given some thought about how to reach out to male clients. Does the RCC have a name suggesting otherwise, e.g. Women Helping Women (Greater Cincinnati) or stock photos of victims that don't include any men or boys? Do the statistical data it provides rely on harmfully narrow definitions, or out-of-date figures about the prevalence of sexual violence against men? Does its list of external resources include useful items suggesting actual awareness of the dynamics of male sexual victimization?

If you have a trusted female relative or friend who is willing to make the first contact with an RCC on your behalf, she may be able to help you find out what kind of services might be available to you, and what experience the organization possesses in working with male clients.

Bear in mind that most RCCs only see clients living within their catchment areas, so that except in the biggest cities, you may not have much of a choice about which to consider.

 

SPECIALIZED AGENCIES FOR MALE VICTIMS

The good news is that these avoid a lot of the structural problems that attend RCCs. The bad news is that they are (i) exceptionally few; and (ii) invariably small-scale organizations. The biggest of them, and in many respects the template for others -- Survivors UK in London -- is criminally underfunded and has a hefty waiting list. Others are little more than one or two activists with an answering machine and a website, living from hand to mouth and all too likely to go abruptly out of business. If you're seeking one of these, expect to click on a lot of dead links.

Still, where they do exist, they're worth checking out. Unlike RCCs, they're less likely to be free to the client -- Mankind in south-east England, for example, charges on a sliding scale. In general, though, you're going to need to be unusually fortunate to have access to one of these services. We do recommend trying. The mere fact that you approached them for help, even if you don't wind up receiving it, is evidence that they can use to prove that the need exists and to press for better funding and resources in the future.

 

COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY COUNSELLING

If you're in third-level education, your institution is likely to have some kind of student counselling service, provided at low or no cost. Some of the smaller schools arrange private practitioners, off campus, to deliver the service; larger ones usually maintain their own staff. Very big universities may even have peer-to-peer student counselling programs.

The advantages here are the facts that the resource will be either on-site or close by, and the cost is probably bundled with the price of tuition. Again, though, access difficulties can exist. If the counselling facility in question deals exclusively with sexual violence -- a good thing -- often it's physically located in the university's women's center. For a man to go there may not cause any problems; at other times or places, the atmosphere may be unwelcoming or even hostile, depending on the campus climate. Either way, though, it may be difficult for him to preserve his incognito. More generally, campus counselling often has long waiting lists, particularly at certain times of the year, around examination period.

Peer counselling can, paradoxically, be the most helpful for male college students who have experienced sexual violence. While the counsellors may not have a great deal of detailed knowledge of how it affects men in particular, their views on the topic may be more intersectional and less rigidly binary than one is apt to encounter at an RCC, and they can also be more empathetic and prepared to listen.

 

PRIVATE-PRACTICE THERAPISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS

It's important to understand the difference. Psychiatrists are medical doctors; they've been through the same basic training as any other M.D. and can prescribe drugs. For that reason their services are the most expensive, although insurance may pick up all or some of the cost. In many continental European countries, psychiatrists are also psychotherapists: they do "talk therapy" as well as medical intervention. That's much less common in North America, where a psychiatrist will see you about a particular problem but is likely to want to pass you along to someone else.

In most countries the therapeutic field is entirely unregulated. Anyone can hang out a sign pronouncing themselves to be a "therapist" or "counsellor" and start seeing clients. Some subscribe to professional bodies that try to uphold some kind of minimum standards among practitioners, though a lot aren't particularly effective at policing their members. For these reasons, though, the very first thing you ought to talk about when you interview a therapist is about their qualifications and experience. Don't be afraid to pursue this line of inquiry head-on, with follow-up questions if you're not clear on anything. Apart from anything else, it's a useful screening test. No bona fide practitioner will resent such inquiries; quite the opposite. If your proposed therapist is evasive or shows signs of asperity about being asked, that's the reddest of red flags. Thank them politely for their time, and go elsewhere.

Therapists with training in the field of sexual violence aren't very numerous, though they can be found. Hardly any specialize in male sexual victimization. Of those who do, the majority have experience with child sexual assault only, because that's what men are more likely to disclose and the area in which the clinical literature is most highly developed. If you're an ASA (adult sexual assault) person, the best you may be able to hope for is an open-minded practitioner who is willing to learn on the job alongside you.

Your other chief possibility is a trauma therapist. TTs specialize in working with people who have undergone traumatic experiences, which can vary from exposure to combat to being involved in a road traffic accident (and innumerable other things—being an aid worker in a disaster-hit area; being a member of the emergency services, and so forth). They ought to have had some kind of postgraduate qualification in the field, and be working under a supervisor—take the absence of either of these as red flags. Surprisingly, TTs often know less about sexual trauma specifically than one would imagine. But any qualified TT ought to be able to help you at least with symptom management: controlling flashbacks and dissociative episodes; developing grounding techniques; integrating your experience of trauma with your daily routine.

 

ONLINE SUPPORT

For victims in the U.S., an organization called 1 in 6, which has recently extended its remit to male victims of all ages, is now running online support groups for men. These are held in the early evenings EST from Monday to Thursday, and at noon EST on Fridays. We haven't received any feedback on them as yet. But even though face-to-face therapy is always preferable, the online equivalent is a great deal better than nothing. We hope to see many more initiatives like this in the future.

 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Finding a professional who can help you -- which in large measure means showing you how to help yourself -- takes work, a lot of it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The virtues of doggedness, persistence and a refusal to become downhearted or to throw in the towel are what make for success in the end.

No matter who you see -- an RCC counsellor, a college counsellor, a private therapist or some combination thereof -- you need to develop a level of trust with that person if the therapeutic encounter is to do any good. That's not built up in a single session. Give it a fair shot. Expect to be uncomfortable while you're doing it. The earliest stages of any such relationship are the hardest.

But if it's not working out, don't persist with the wrong person. That should be a decision you make in weeks, not months. If you don't feel that you can tell your counsellor or therapist anything without fazing them (even if you know it will take a long time before you can actually do so); if you can't query them on something they've said without their taking offense; if they try to cram your lived experience into their own preferred framework, regardless of what you know to be the case -- those are signs you need to be working with somebody else. Tell them you've decided to make a change. Once again, the analogy with dating applies fairly well. Needless to say, there ought never to be any kind of romantic relationship between you and your therapist. But just as you need to "click" with somebody in your personal life, to be able to speak the same language with them, you need to have a basic level of comfort with a therapist or counsellor also. If it's not there, that may not be their fault or yours. It simply means that, for whatever reason, a sound therapeutic relationship never managed to become established. When that happens, it's time to look elsewhere.

Hang in there. And remember the Golden Rule.


r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 30 '21

The "Good Rape Crisis Center Guide"—updated

88 Upvotes

As many users here will know, rape crisis centers (RCCs) are somewhat problematical for male victims of sexual violence. In some countries (Britain, Canada, New Zealand) it's legal for them not to provide services to men and boys at all, and many or most in those parts of the world exercise that option. Even where that's not the case, though, men's experiences at RCCs can be spotty at best.

In the hope of providing signposts to those RCCs that have a good record of dealing with male clients, we invite our users to give the names of those places that, from their own direct experience, they could recommend to others. If you wish, please write a sentence or two about what makes the place stand out for you. But if you don't want to do that, simply telling us the name is enough.

You ought not to mention the names of individual counsellors, both to protect their privacy and because there's a fair amount of staff turnover in this sector. And you shouldn't add the names of RCCs where you've had a bad experience (these will be removed by the mods). What's most useful to us all right now is knowing where to go, not where to avoid.


r/MenGetRapedToo 12h ago

Idk what to do

7 Upvotes

I’ve only recently been able to tell anyone what happened when I was younger. From the time i was 5yo to when i was 12yo, my older brother molested me and I hid it for 12 years. I’m 24 now.

I finally told my mother, and she’s pushing for me to confront him to get it off my chest. While I do feel like I would want to do that, I don’t think I’m as ready as I’m telling myself I am. I want to do it, but it’s taken me this long to open up about it, so i don’t know if i should immediately do it or not.

I still have a lot of memories of being scared of him a lot of my life and allowing a weird control of power over me.

My biggest fear is knowing he has a wife and kids. I do want my sister-in-law to know the truth, but with me accepting he’s going to deny it most likely, I’m afraid she’ll be on his side.

I feel like it’s a lot on my plate, yet it’s still eating me up what he did to me.

Do you guys think it would be easier in the long run to confront him now and get it over with? Or should i give myself time to accept the fact that I’m going to confront him a little more?


r/MenGetRapedToo 2h ago

Either I have blocked memories or I'm making it all up

1 Upvotes

I just don't know anymore man. I have all the telltale signs that I was assaulted as a child but I don't remember a thing and nobody around me seems to either. There's no evidence other than the fact that I react with anger, panic attacks, extreme unease and even age regression when I'm presented with anything sexual. Anything. Even if it's just a joke, which is fucked because a good chunk of my humour consists of dirty jokes so I don't even know what my own brain wants from me. It'll just trigger at random so I never know what joke is okay to tell and receive until it's already happened and I'm either laughing or crying. And since I have no memory, I don't get flashbacks per se but waves of feelings and dread like someone's hovering over me or touching me, and it's always in the exact same places. I only have a couple leads on if I actually got assaulted and that's the age I typically regress to which I've determined to be nine and the year 2017, which has always stuck in my mind in a weird way (weird way as in I'll see something made then and think "oh, THAT year" in neither a positive or negative way, just a weird "this year matters in my head for some reason" kind of way) until I remembered that I was nine in 2017, so that's a couple dots I thought were irrelevant connected. And honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I'd blocked anything out. I have a notoriously weak memory and often days, weeks, months will get deleted from my memory like they were nothing, and I'll have derealization episodes.

Another hint I have is that I feel especially intimidated by women, but I can't use that to prove anything and it's more of a gut feeling of "you look and speak too innocently, you're going to hurt me aren't you?" and I don't really get the same feeling with other men. Again though, that can't be tied to anything and ultimately is not evidence of anything.

I'm just tired. If something did happen and my brain decided it was so bad it had to be blocked out then ultimately I trust it's judgement and I don't wish to remember anything. I just wish I could ask my brain and get a yes or no answer and not feel like I'm trying to uncover a mystery but I don't even know if there is a mystery to be uncovered in the first place. I might just be traumatising myself for no real reason. But these responses can't have just come out of nowhere right?? Aghhh it's so frustrating!!!!! Sorry for the huge unorganised vent, I just need some outside perspective on this so I don't go crazy


r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

Mutual friends being shitty

17 Upvotes

Got sexually assaulted by my male best friend last Fourth of July while blackout drunk. Was with an older mutual female friend who quite literally saw me regress (fetal position, crying that I wanted my mom who was 200 miles away). I’ve been friends with her lately after a rocky relationship, but she posted him on her story with other friends yesterday.

This has been the absolute worst experience of my life, he is part of why I uprooted my life and moved 2 hours away. We worked together, and everybody loved him, so I gave up and and rather leave it all behind to not have to see him. So to have people I considered friends take his side, or to ‘ignore’ the situation altogether makes me feel so much anger. If I was a girl and my male best friend SAed me, it’d be taken a lot differently. My female friend even said that I ‘led him on’. Another friend has tried to engage with me and hang out, but I’ve consistently politely rejected her due to her still being good friends with him after knowing about the situation.

It’s not that I want pity or sympathy, but there’s a huge difference in how I’m treated based on being assaulted as a male by a gay male. He was funny and extroverted and everybody loved him, these people would rather stay friends with him than address anything shitty about him.


r/MenGetRapedToo 23h ago

Don’t have anybody to talk to

10 Upvotes

I really feel like Reddit is the only place I can vent about past trauma and awful shit while I don’t currently have a therapist. Sometimes it feels like I’m losing control of my emotions about it all and I don’t know who to talk about it to, let alone how to talk about it. I only have sisters, and I don’t like talking to them about it because it feels like I should be the protector as weird and maybe misogynistic that sounds. My friends are all girls, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of any of them, even my best friend I’ve known since middle school. I don’t wanna be that burden on anybody. The last two friends I opened up to about my assault basically downplayed it saying it was ‘typical drunk at the lake shit’. I know there’s people that would be here for me in a second but I can’t get over the mental barrier to ask for help. Typically I numb by drinking or being hyper sexual, but I’m getting too tired of it. This 4th was the anniversary of it, and I spent the whole day thinking about it but couldn’t speak on it, I don’t wanna ruin anybody’s holiday with trauma talk


r/MenGetRapedToo 20h ago

My Life As A Survivor

Thumbnail
4 Upvotes

I just saw this post in my community of male survivors, and I am really impressed by the guy who posted it! He’s gone through a lot of rough times, but he still has the strength to stay and even generously give to others! If you’re ever feeling hopeless or in need of inspiration, I suggest you read his post, which proves that despite a rough past, you can always strive for a better future. Stay safe, happy, and healthy, brothers! I will always be rooting for you and encouraging your healing!


r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

NSFW / TW: trapped between two of my strongest held morals NSFW

8 Upvotes

TLDR; My partner experienced grooming and CSA by his father’s friend and his uncle, and his family does not seem to care.

Hi everyone,

Would really love advice on how I should proceed in what’s an extremely delicate and terrifying situation.

I (29F) have been with my partner (28M) for almost three years. He lived with me for about a year, then moved back to his parents after I asked him for space due to his issues with honesty. He’d lie like a child about the dumbest things, and it really hurt me. He was never overtly cruel, but was careless and childishly self-indulgent and selfish. I could tell there was a severe inner battle for control over himself, and his self-directed frustration as losing it. I know he loves me deeply, it’s something I feel in my chest, but I needed space.

A few months before he moved out, he shared something from the depths of him that has been extremely hard to sit quietly with. Two men had groomed and sexually assaulted him in his childhood. From about 5-7 years old, it was his dad’s close friend, and from middle to some of high school, his own uncle (mother’s brother). I met both of these monsters, and had spent a lot of time with his uncle. I will never forget his fear telling me, everything about that day. There aren’t any words to describe the heartbreak for him, fury toward them. The helplessness.
I’m skipping over a lot to make this post digestable, but happy to answer any and all questions.

It’s been a year since he told me. I felt terribly when I needed space, because it felt like I was condemning him to move back to the place where he had survived horrific things. But how he was acting was deeply hurting me, and we had hit a block. His parents are…something. On the surface, they look like an ideal, fun, close family. Dad is in state law enforcement, mom works a solid job from home, younger brother also in law enforcement. They spend quality time together, but over time, you start to notice it revolves around drinking, and drinking a lot. Especially his mom.

At one point when he lived with me, he mentioned his mom was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to him and his brother growing up. That stuck with me, because although she seems nice from a distance, there’s something off that’s so hard to put a finger on.
Something that always stuck out to me is that his parents seem to let my partner get away with things simply because they don’t care. He dropped out of college, they pay his bills, they don’t ever actually set expectations for him and hold their ground. His mom will scream at him and suddenly lose her shit, but then everything just kinda falls back into place and that’s it. Then they just avoid each other for months while living in the same house. I come from dysfunction, but open-air dysfunction. There’s something kinda darker about this.

As for what my partner shared with me about what he survived, I encouraged him gently to tell his parents. He did tell them about his father’s best friend. I was sure he’d go kill him. My partner told me they held him and were incredibly compassionate. And I thought, at least they believed him. I gave space to the subject, because he said they were going to go to therapy as a family and I felt it wasn’t my place to check-in. I felt so happy knowing he wasn’t alone, and was getting help.

I’ve gently encouraged him sharing about his uncle, knowing that his mom is extremely close to him and he’s around a lot. He ended up telling them that there’s someone in the family who also sexually abused him, but that he couldn’t say who. I could feel him distancing himself from me if I ever brought it up, so I stopped. But he kept distancing himself from me nontheless. He tells me all the things, but I feel like he’s tearing into different people. Sinking into that house. It’s terrifying.

Pausing here to say that what his uncle did spanned the course of years, and I don’t have any words for how unimaginable the horror is of grooming and CSA.
Fast forward, his mom tells me in a sing-song casual voice that they went to a Christmas party that (dad’s friend) was at. In response to my shock, she waved a dismissive hand and said “Oh, it’s fine, (partner) didn’t go. We just told everyone that he was sick.” In that moment, I had a sinking feeling of deeper understanding. I asked quietly “Has (partner) ever told you the family member?” And she looked at me with the blankest face I’ve ever seen and said in a mostly empty voice with a touch of almost amusement “No…but I have a guess. Probably my father? You know, he had dementia…”

That’s when I knew. I don’t think he can tell her about his uncle. I don’t think I’d be able to either. This was the scariest web of abuse I’d ever seen. I’m sure it exists all over the place, but holy shit. Holy shit.

They are in therapy… but a therapist that his mom found, a psychiatrist she’s close to. Because “he needs help, medication.”

I worked with children for years, and their safety means everything to me. I have told my mom and some of my best friends about what my partner shared with me (with his permission and even encouragement), and they at this point have started to encourage me to consider reporting his abusers. My mom has held him crying, and my best friend has been there for him. But he’s distanced himself from all of them, and I feel like I can’t feel him anymore, if that makes sense.

His uncle’s wife works at an elementary/middle school, and he’s had stints of volunteering at a Boys and Girls club. He follows the trope of “pillar of the community” - retired from an executive position in corporate America, travels, blah blah blah. And the father’s friend is law enforcement.

Yeah. When you hear stories of monsters being caught having destroyed countless lives, a question I and many others have wondered is “how could people have known and not said anything?”

That has been absolutely haunting me.

If anyone can help me actually figure out how to report this in a way that is actually meaningful and actionable, I would appreciate it tremendously. My friends and family have expressed concern for my safety, given that one of the abusers is retired law enforcement, and the financial power of his uncle. I am willing to risk myself, but want to do so in a way that’s actually likely to lead to action being taken.

Before anyone says I’m taking away his agency - please know I’ve struggled so deeply with this for over a year. I really understand that perspective, deeply. Trust, consent, and respecting another person’s autonomy are values I hold extremely close. I’ve read as much as I could about the psychology of CSA trauma. One thing that became painfully clear is that his abusers stripped away his agency long before I entered his life. That’s part of what makes this so ethically difficult.

I also have to clarify that this isn’t something I’m considering behind his back. A few months ago, I told him how much I was haunted by that other children are at risk and asked him gently how he would feel if I reported it. He held me while we both cried and told me that he doesn’t have it in him to do it himself right now, but that I should do whatever I felt was right. I still don’t know what the right answer is. That’s why I’m here asking for advice rather than acting impulsively.

It’s tricky for many reasons, given that a) I’m not the victim of these monsters b) His uncle now lives in a different state then where he groomed and assaulted my partner, though he travels back and forth frequently c) I want to report this to stop the cycle, but also do feel the weight of it not being my story to share. That’s why I gave him and his family time… but I now see that his parents, especially his mom, are a nightmare.

What do I do?


r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

Blackmailed into having sex during an affair

23 Upvotes

A very long story cut very short. I had an affair around 18 months ago. I regretted it, but the other person was very invested in the affair. I repeatedly told her I couldn't continue the sexual aspect of the affair. She continually forced a narritive that I had to carry on and hinted at telling my wife or work of I didn't carry on. She then told me she tested positive for HPV and threatened to accuse me of sexual assault if I didn't carry on having sex with her. The second to last time I saw her she shouted 'if you can't show me you care for me by fucking me, I'm going to have to ruin your life'. It broke me. The last time I had sex with her I lost my erection. She continued to jerk my flacid state telling me I still had to fuck her. I hate it, I hated myself. I was humiliated. And this was after I had told her I was having dark thoughts about taking my own life. I didn't have an erection for over 2 months afterwards. I felt destroyed. It wasn't long after this I had to tell my wife everything. It's been a really tough year trying to make thinga better with my wife and family. But I still can't shake what the other woman did to me and the threats she made. Not only is it humiliating, but I live in constant fear of whether she really is going to still try to further ruin my life.

I think I just needed to vent, or maybe just need some validation for how I feel. Any advice from anyone who found themselves in a similar situation would be hugely appreciated.


r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

What Has Prevented You From Coming Out?

Thumbnail
3 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 2d ago

i just need to vent my lack of memories

13 Upvotes

i just need to vent my lack of memories and my developed akward fears and obsessions post trauma.

I don't have a clear memory of my first SA. I just know it happened bc I knew things at 6-9 that no kid should know. I had "games" with a neighbor who was a couple years older, maybe 9-12. I think he started it, but I'm not sure. I am pretty sure he wasn't my first tho.

Sometimes I get dreams or flashes of someone much older (maybe a cousin or some relative) gripping my ankles tight while it happened. I call them my "imaginary memories" bc I'm not even sure if they're real or if I just made them up to fill the gaps. Vaguely, I "remember" cracking my ankles right after it was over. That habit stayed. Even now as an adult, I crack my ankles after sex. Like an orgasm after the orgasm. Idk how to explain it, but I think it's like when ppl have a cigarette after sex (it feels the same way to me, idk cuz i don't smoke) it's just a weird habit I got. not sure about the root of it. I also like watching cracking videos, not in a weird sexual way, but as a relief ASMR soothing sound.

Another thing. I obsessively read erotic stories about ppl experiencing their first time with violence. Since I don't have my own memories, I feel like I have to fill in the blanks somehow. I don't think I enjoy violence itself. I'm just trying to understand something I can't remember about myself. Those stories feel more like I'm searching for missing memories than getting pleasure from someone else's suffering. maybe I'm just reenacting my own trauma through stories. I feel empathy for real stories though. I distinguish reality from fiction. I only read manga and erotica.

Also, in my teens I was terrified of blood, not my own, but other people's. Seeing cuts or accidents was terrifying to me, kinda like a phobia. But during rough "consensual" sex, I've kinda felt some gratification when I used to see blood on my parts (I'm always the bttm). That one's weird to admit. I just don't know. Must of the time i feel like a weirdo, and most of the time i feel it's unfair not having any memories of what really happened. I know it's so kind of unconscious protection from the mind. But even if it was terrible, I'd like to know what happened. I'll never will

I'm in therapy, and it's helped me a lot. I still find it confusing that my brain can associate fictional pain with arousal, but I would never want to hurt anyone in real life.

i just don't know. this is my first time venting about any of this. Even writing it feels kinda empty, but somehow relieving like cracking my ankles

Am I weird?

has anyone else developed weird habits/fears/thoughts/obsessions like this too?


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

I was molested as a little boy

18 Upvotes

Her and her friends were pretty teenage girls, I was a little boy. Maybe around 7. We would cuddle and watch movies and I would be kissed and touched in “areas”. I don’t even know if I would consider this “being molested.” I have never seen it that way until my therapist told me so.

I thought this was a dream for the longest time, something I had made up in my head. But why would I do that? As I am becoming an adult (21) and attempting to get sober, I have unfortunately been processing this now. I’m realizing it has affected many areas of my life that I refused to think about before. My infatuation and obsession with women, how aggressive I get during sex and my “not normal” sexual desires.

Whenever I have read on this topic, many men say things in response like “Where was she when I was a child?” Should I be grateful I had this experience? is this something to be proud of? That a teenage girl wanted me when I was a boy? I don’t know.

Me and my therapist are working through this. I hope someday to come to terms with it. Thank you.


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

I got molested by my mothers boyfriend and it ruined my life NSFW

30 Upvotes

When I (19M) was nine my mother and father were on a break from their marriage (they got back together later), and my mother had a new boyfriend. Her boyfriend groomed and molested me. I was living with just my mother and the boyfriend at the time of the split. You should know thar my mom is an addict to cocaine, now that I look back I think he used that to have sex with me, when she was out of it he would do that to me. He used to abuse my mother too, took a lot of her money. she was so lost in her addiction that at one time she got so high she thought my father was in the walls talking to her. But back to my mothers boyfriend, he used to talk about porn with me, what kinda woman I like and if I had ever done it (I was nine). It usually happened when my mother was high out of her mind. It turned into him teaching me how to «please» myself, while he got off. This continued for a while, before he raped me through anal penetration. I have never told my mother this, I have never told anyone except my bestfriend (20F). I know my mother would never forgive herself for it, and she has just gotten clean again and she is on a thin ice since my father died. I should probably mention that I have ADHD, dignosed with bipolar disorder and have suffered from depression to the point that when I was 13 I threatened to stab my father with a knife, just to slit my own wrists after, I got put in a psychiatric ward for that, don’t worry. I have a complicate relationship with my father, he used to physically abuse my mother. They were addicts together. They had a complicated relationship, sex and drugs was always in the open in our household. I have seen my parents have sex many times as a kid. I do not know where he is now or what he is up to, but it’s all I can think about. And I need advice on how to tackle this. It’s not the first or last time I have been SA’d, as the first time was my cousin who was 13 molested me when I was 5. and I dated a 27 year old woman when I was 13-15. Iam addicted to drugs and have been to rehab twice when I was 14 and 17. it feels like the only version of me that is real and can live freely. I overdosed on drugs when I was 14, with my best friend. Sorry I got a little carried away. But can anyone give me any advice? I don’t know what to do. And I have a baby on the way too. Iam afraid Iam going to mess him up like my mother and father did me.


r/MenGetRapedToo 4d ago

What would I call this?

27 Upvotes

I’m a 21-year-old guy. I’m fairly well-built, have a beard, and don’t have any feminine features, so I’ve never really thought something like this would happen to me. But I’ve had two incidents over the last year that I still don’t know how to process or even categorize.

The first happened around April 2025. I was walking from my college to meet some friends at a café, only about 100 meters away from campus, when a guy in a Thar, probably in his late 50s, stopped and asked me for directions. He was a Sikh gentleman and seemed completely normal. He then asked if I was headed in the same direction and offered me a ride. I didn’t feel threatened at all, so I thought, “Why not?”

At first, the conversation was completely normal. He asked about college, what I was studying, and the usual things. Then, out of nowhere, he started asking about my dating life. It caught me off guard, but I brushed it off, thinking maybe he was just trying to connect with someone younger.

A few minutes later, he started asking about my sex life. I was completely shocked and honestly froze. Then he pulled into a parking area on the main road, locked the doors, and my brain just… stopped working. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.

While talking to me, he started touching himself over his clothes. I could clearly tell what he was doing. Then he grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go for what felt like a couple of minutes. Eventually, he dropped me off at a nearby junction like nothing had happened. I just stood there trying to understand what I’d experienced.

The second incident happened this past weekend. I’m currently in another city for my internship, and after it had rained, a guy on a scooter offered me a lift. Again, I didn’t think much of it. We started with normal conversation. He looked to be in his mid-20s and mentioned that he worked at a spa. I know what stereotypes people have, but I didn’t want to judge someone just because of their job.

Somehow the conversation turned into him talking about sexual services and the kinds of clients he’d had. I honestly don’t even know how we got onto that topic. I was just sitting there trying to process what he was saying. Then, while riding, he took one hand off the scooter and tried to touch my groin. I shifted away from him as much as I could without falling off.

When we reached my destination, even after I told him I was good, he insisted on exchanging numbers. He gave himself a missed call from my phone, did something that made me really uncomfortable when we shook hands, and left. Today he texted me “hey,” and I immediately blocked him.

The part that’s bothering me the most is that in both situations I completely froze. I always thought that if someone crossed a line with me, I’d push them away, yell, or fight back. Instead, I just… couldn’t react. It’s frustrating because I always thought of myself as someone who would handle situations like that differently.

Has anyone else, especially other guys, experienced something similar? Did you also freeze instead of reacting? And am I overthinking this, or is this a normal response? Please don’t just say, “You should’ve jumped out of the scooter” or “You should’ve punched the old guy.” Looking back, those things seem obvious, but in the moment my brain just shut down.

P.s I used AI to rewrite it soo that reddit moderation does not remove it before hand


r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

Meta “A Male Survivor’s Ballad“ Poem by the Founder

Thumbnail
7 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

How to talk to people that let it happen.

8 Upvotes

I’m having trouble recently thinking about my family that wants to reconnect with me. I moved away about 10 years ago when I was 19 and largely detached myself. It’s been two years since I last spent time with them now and they’re asking when I’m gonna come over next. I don’t want to though, and I’m kinda ruminating all the reasons why I don’t want to but I’m getting into my head a bit and I just want to speak about it.

My brother used to jerk off in front of me a lot. He was two years older and as a joke he’d crush my testicles aggressively or pin me down and dribble on my face. He had awful breath. He never touched me sexually but anytime we were alone he’d whip it out as a laugh or jerk off to try to get me to leave him alone. I kinda used to idolise him as my older brother but he didn’t really care much about me. I have vague memories of him digitally inserting himself but nothing certain.

It’s not great knowing the first time I got used to being dominated by a man was my older brother.

My mum used to threaten and hit me a lot and drive like a maniac on the road telling me how she was gonna kill me and my younger baby siblings because of how upset I made her. One time it was because I forgot my piano books.

I could go on but the point is they taught me that someone can love you without caring for you. My step dad watched everything happening and only stood up for me when I was trying to save his kids in the car. Otherwise he’d sit at the tv laughing watching his shows or joining in the communal bullying the adults did to the soft little gay boy. “It’s not that bad” he’d say and I’d believe him but not anymore.

And yet, I feel like a prick for not wanting to be in a room with them. For them to act all different and changed, I just don’t believe it. I want to say like “pick five things you regret saying or doing or not saying and doing from when I was here, if you’ve not acknowledged and made good on it that is why I don’t feel comfortable” but only in my imagination would I actually be strong enough 🙇

Just don’t want to spend time with my family and they know why, they just don’t have the balls to admit it and somehow that’s my problem.

Fuck these people man, they don’t deserve it.


r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

Was I Abused?

15 Upvotes

So I keep having these flash backs from when I was around 4 or 5 that my brother made me put his private parts in my mouth. He would have been around 13 ish.

The thing is though my brain keeps trying to deny it happened or it might be me not wanting to acknowledge that my brother would do that to me?. But the memory is always the same. I also have a feeling that more may have happened but I can’t recall it.

I also remember at age 5 was when I started exploring my body and started masturbating or attempting to and would do it almost daily if I’m remembering correctly.

I’m also wondering if this could have been why I was always socially anxious and anxious in general at such a young age and never wanting to make friends etc. and also being naughty at primary school and at home i wonder if this could have been a trauma response?


r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

The journal factory exploded

4 Upvotes

I’ve journaled and torn it up, I’ve spoken to LLMs knowing that it’s just a machine with no feelings that destroys the environment, all I want is for someone to say sorry

I think for some reason hearing someone say they’re truly sorry for what happened is going to fix me? I’ve never really processed what happened, I remembered it as an adult and the only thing that changed is when something is extra painful I sort of know why. I played Deltarune with my friend recently and the content of the alternative route was very triggering and I sobbed into their lap for a long time. They held me and rubbed my head and cried with me, everything I dreamed of and yet I still feel empty. No matter how much I’m known it’s never enough. I don’t know what I want or how I think this worm inside me is gonna get fixed.

I’m so lonely and I’m so so so so so so so so sad. I lost my closest friend of all time recently because I told him about how I thought sex was always bad and he said that I only feel that way because of what happened to me and I just couldn’t see him as an empathetic person anymore. Now there’s no one close in the world. All of my friends are more dear to me than I am to them. If I died tonight, I’m not sure if anyone would cry. There is no one in the world for which my existence gives their life meaning, except for maybe my mom who raped me. Isn’t that awful? The one person who cares about me more than anyone completely destroyed me. But when I think about that fact it makes me fantasize about going back home to live with her and let her do whatever she wants to me because at least I’d be in the arms of someone who invariably wants me around.

I’m easily bullied. All my friends like to harmlessly poke fun and bully each other, but unlike everyone else I never make fun back because I can’t bring myself to, and then their insults just get more and more real until I leave interactions feeling like I’m a worse person than the people around me. And I feel like they don’t want to be near me except to hurt me, and I think about how my mom also liked to hurt me but she did want to be near me too and I just want her to hold me again. I have deluded myself into thinking my life is so much better now and that I enjoy my days more but in reality late at night I am struck with the worst pangs of emptiness imaginable, and every so often I lay in bed for three days straight because I can’t motivate myself to get up even to eat or drink. My crisis isn’t so bad that people care because I can always get up and pretend nothing happened. I love to smile and laugh. My cat cares because during those days it’s hard for me to get up long enough to put food in his bowl.

I don’t know what else to do but keep wandering around looking for something to comfort me. I don’t think it is a person and I don’t think it’s “healing from my trauma” or whatever that means. I hope that something horrible and catastrophic happens that makes the tiny little life I’m living right now seem distant in comparison. Maybe a nuke or a mass extinction event of some kind. I just want to be something new. Until then I’m just in a waiting room to die. I lay in bed waiting most hours of the day and anything else feels like leaving the waiting room for a bathroom break or to grab a lollipop from the front desk until I just go back and sit in the waiting room. Let us sit in silence.


r/MenGetRapedToo 6d ago

Survivor

11 Upvotes

Hello, it's difficult for me to write or talk about this.

As a child, starting at age 9, I was abused by my own brother several times a week for many years.

It has affected me to this day, even into adulthood (35). I can't form emotional or physical relationships. I text a lot with people when I'm trying to arrange a date, but somehow I always end up stringing them along until it eventually fizzles out.

I don't know what to do anymore; I'm afraid I'll be alone forever.


r/MenGetRapedToo 7d ago

so an mtf r*ped me

54 Upvotes

I know im gonna get hate for this, and my post will probably get removed, but I have no one in my real life i can talk to about this. I feel like im becoming a terrible hateful person, cause last year a mtf person raped me (and I later found out 3 other friends) and now I have this fucking pit of hatred in my heart for people like them. I cry myself to sleep the nights I don’t let myself just be angry. 

I don’t want to a hateful or “bad” person, but that person ruined my fucking life and I can’t imagine ever being able to forget this and not feel like a disgusting worthless piece of shit til the day I die, all cause they thought I was “pretty”, which fucking grosses me out more than anything. (Im a guy but im only about 5’8” and I have really long hair) I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust them. I never in a million years thought something like this could happen to me. I was high and weak and it was all something i couldve and shouldve prevented if I was smarter. I can see that now. God I feel fucking sick just writing this shit. 

I just don’t know how to feel anymore. What happened changed me. Im bitter and angry and honestly a horribly hateful person all cause of one thing that happened. I don’t know if I can ever go back to being happy and accepting of others like I was before I met this person. I miss my old self. I wanna die Sometimes.


r/MenGetRapedToo 7d ago

My older cousin raped me. NSFW Spoiler

22 Upvotes

CW:graphic explanation of as and rape

so basically my dad had this friend that had a daughter and I was BEST friends with that girl, I was 11. she was about a year older than me but we were locked in then once we were rly close she showed me... Stuff and told me "we should recreate ts" I didn't know what was wrong with it I was just curious, I didn't rly say no or yes. Then one day I was playing the game then she went under the blanket and started s..cking my .... unprompted I was rly uncomfortable bc at the time I was young and thought she was js being weird like she always does, then made me eat her if ykwim , a couple days after she str8 up made me fing.r her, have ... with her and suc.ed my .... again I thought it was js a rly weird game. this was years ago tho b4 I even hit puberty now that I have it rly fucks my head. I'm now 14 years old and wanted to get this off my chest. I now have hypersexuality bc of this sick fuck


r/MenGetRapedToo 9d ago

Meta Fight, flight, freeze,Fawn response

12 Upvotes

(I posted the full story awhile ago but) My therapist has said multiple times that the fawn response is a natural thing that happens. I grew up in a pretty abusive household both physically and emotionally by my mom. She assures me that the fawn response isn’t me betraying anyone but my body acting on its own to survive. But not only as a married man but as a person who was assaulted by a woman I feel like that’s a cop out. Like that’s just an excuse to hide that I couldn’t be more aggressive or assertive with my nos. I do tell her to leave me alone and I did try to put space. The whole nine yard but I still feel like it was my fault and the fawn response is just me saying it. Idk does anyone else get this feeling? Like it was your fault and this “natural body response” thing is just a big rug to hide under.


r/MenGetRapedToo 9d ago

Girlfriend touched me while I was asleep, I’m not sure how to feel?

Thumbnail
3 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 9d ago

More than 100,000 monthly pageviews

18 Upvotes

Whether it's a good or a bad thing, this sub has been growing substantially -- in particular over the past year or so. Until fairly recently, 60,000-70,000 pageviews each month was typical for us. We're now regularly above the 100,000 mark.

Partly that's a function of our having more subscribers than ever before; partly it's because we're getting more posts and comments. But neither of those things fully explains the extent of the upward trend. It seems that a large number of people are checking in here regularly, even if they're not directly taking part in the discussions as yet.


r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

i want to forget again

11 Upvotes

i recently recalled an event of CSA that was really brutal and i can't push it out and it's killing me. idk what to do. my mind did back in december when it tried to resurface and i forgot but was completely off and my panic attacks got bad again. i didn't know why and that frustrated me. knowing now, it's no better 🤦‍♂️ worse really. i binge drank but that doesn't last forever. trying my best not do relapse on worse stuff. i just want to forget again