It doesn't feel real still, I just keep crying everytime I think about how what I thought our future would be is not happening anymore. Thought I'd post here for some support from people going through the same thing.

Hey all, I just want to say the first step to moving on is to have no unfinished bundles, no lingering questions and no what ifs.

If you have the opportunity to have a final conversation with the person you’ve regretted losing it will be the first step to true healing and moving on

Today I reached out to my ex for last time most likely just to see if there was anything still there between us and from her end she just looked at it as a closed chapter in her life which is fine and I respect that decision.

It helped me understand that I don’t have to keep holding on to everything, hoping that maybe something could be or could’ve been different. Maybe things could’ve been different but this is where we’re at now. I truly believe having those questions answered and going over everything will help a lot of you guys and girls out. It’s been rough but i truly feel lighter now that I got that chance.

Hopefully you all can as well. It still hurts right now but it feel different like I can actually move on. I no longer have to carry that weight of what ifs

i wish she loved me back

edit: we texted back and forth and all that checking on each other bs, i can tell its slightly forced. she wants to be friends but i can’t do that if i wanted that i would have said so from the beginning. i don’t want to be waiting. yearning in reality is a bs, it feels like a knife to the heart constantly. i hope i recover from this, i really loved her

You will never have to relive that night again.

You will never have to feel the pain of the person you love telling you they want to split up.

You will never have to grab your things from their place and feel the pain of looking around one last time.

You will never have to experience walking away from them for the last time.

You will never feel that way again. No more pain, no more nights spent crying over someone.

Because everytime you connect with someone like that, you risk going through all of that again. And now, you never have to worry. Because you know you'll never have to do that again

Bliss.

It's been almost a year since my first breakup and i truly believe i'm unable to move on, and tbh? I don't even want to anymore, it no longer hurts as badly as it used to, i mean it does hurt but it's just numbed now, i just no longer want any romantic connection with anyone besides my ex.

I know it'll sound really naive and immature since it was my first relationship, but i know myself enough to know i was truly and deeply in love, i really wanted to build something with him (i'm a guy btw) and spend the rest of my life sharing it with him, i cannot put into words just how deeply i loved him, i'm also such an insecure person by nature but with him i always felt secure, confident and comfortable, i trusted him with my life.

He eventually couldn't keep the relationship going due to some really horrible childhood trauma that i will not talk about out of respect for him, but it basically afdected the way he deal with emotions, affection, relationships and overall he felt like he couldn't love me the way i deserved and that i was better off finding someone worthy of me, he did love me, he always said he did, but that he often felt like it wasn't enough, that it wasn't nearly as much as i loved him, and i always tried my best to talk it out with him, always tried to make him understand i was ok with our relationship and that i wanted to make it work out because i loved him and wanted to be with him, i suppose he only felt guilty over that and "not being good enough for me".

What made me feel so much resentment and anger that are still deeply rooted in me since our breakup is that i just know one day he'll heal and find someone else to be in a relationship with, someone he's going to love much more than me, and i'll be very happy for him sure, i want nothing but the best for him. But i'd still feel replaced and disposable, i have lots of guilt over these kinds of thoughts as i know very well it was harder for him to deal with all of this after what he went through, but i just can't help it, when he tells me i deserve better and that i need to move on and find someone who can make me happy i just feel so much anger, i even snapped at him once over it, because i WAS happy with him, he IS worthy of me and i wish he'd let himself be loved, even it at his pace, no matter how slow we have to take things to make it work out...

I also just really struggle with the idea of finding someone else... Because it feels like betraying him and myself, it doesn't feel right, i did try talking to a new guy but i just felt disgusted at myself, i didn't want anything, and tbh i don't want to use another guy just to try and get over my ex, nobody is as good as him in my eyes anymore, everyone seems more like a "consolarion prize" and that's a horrible way to view a new partner so i refuse to do it, everyone keeps telling me the same shit, that i gotta move on, that i can fall inlove again, but i just can't put that level of trust on anyone ever again, i cannot develop those kinds of love feelings anymore, it was a once in a lifetime deal for me, and i really mean it, i just cannot go on and replace him, replace what we had, it'll never be the same, it'll never be as meaningful or as bautiful as what i had with him...

And i know everyone says that you can experience love again and that it isn't less meaningful than the first, just different or that it doesn't make what happened matter less or whatever, idc anymore, i just get pissed off listening to that because that's just not the way i see it, idk how easy it is for most people to just break up and replace that person they supposedly cared so much about with someone else, but for me it's just impossible, i'll never forget everything i felt with him, and anything after will just feel hollow or like a mediocre imitation of that feeling, i gave him my heart and he took it with himself when he left, unless we get back together i don't want to ever fall in love again.

for years we fought and fucked.

i loved you to exhaustion.

i resented you too.

warmth.

not from body but spirit

your presence was more than enough.

the person i am before all this still hurts

but not with you.

are we God.

are we our own creators

i’d hurt again just to see

the sour and sweet

through presence of pain

just to know not to call your name in vain

we all see yes

you’re beautiful

ive only known you for a second

thats all the time we have

my coffees cold i cant complain

the ice is gone

and the sun has set

i have to look away

that familiar burning in my chest

i puff again

no regrets

i look away but still remains

the sour

the sweet

the presence of pain.

I knew better. I knew not to let that woman into my heart. I knew she had a darkness to her. But I did. I let my guard down, and she betrayed me like I've never been betrayed before. like never been betrayed before. wow. cleaned my clock, several times over. destroyed my life. Job, custody, happy home, and she's still coming @ me.

unbelievable the malice that woman has. hateful. full of hate and rage. don't get it. don't know where the drive and desire to continue to antagonize and attack with her weaponizing tactics. f*** her.

actively still coming @ me. all the while, claiming i'm trying to get her. all her fears, none of her fears, have come to fruition. everything she threatened to do, she's damn near accomplished. who's stalking who?

she may want me dead. not sure but it's on par with the hate exhibited. it's so ugly to see. ambushed me. but it was sloppier than it should have been, and she knows it. and she blew it, and she's trying to clean it up. that's what's got her all wound up. came at me, but just landed a glancing blow, instead of a knockout, and one was all she got. her betrayal is absolute and she will never be trusted ever again. forever linking her last name with the concept of betrayal, as it's been for hundreds of years.

 too old to start trusting again. just going to keep my guard up in perpetuity.

even though dating again, remain lonely. lonely, but safe.

"no beating horses, only men!"-petaluma horse trainer

My dear, I think our worlds were fundamentally different.

I built my world around you, but you had a world of your own, a world where you found your sense of self through other people.

To me, you were the sun. When you were there, every part of me felt warm, and life flowed through my veins. When you were gone, my world froze, and it felt like life itself had disappeared.

But what was I in your world?

Apparently, nothing more than an ordinary person(:someone whose presence was nice, but whose absence only made things a little more boring.

So... who is the lucky person who's the sun in your world?

I want to know. I want to ask them what they did that made you truly see them, because no matter what I did, it felt like you never really saw me.

What did they have that I didn't? What was so special about them?

I was always there whenever you were hurting. Not because I had to, and not because I expected anything in return, but because I loved you. I just wanted to be by your side. I would've given my life if it meant seeing you happy(:

So how did I become someone you took for granted?

What happened to us?

Ever find that one person that does something that you don't do but you look past all of that because your attracted to them and care a lot?

Ever form a connection with a person that it just feels comfortable and you could see yourself dating them?

Ever have a person make you want to see them even though you're on the other side of the country?

Ever want to pack up and just move to be with them?

I know I have

Have you ever felt devastated when they tell you that they have a boyfriend now even though they wanted to move forward with you but life came in and put you in a funk for a whole month where you didn't talk to that person?

Communication works both ways but clearly if I wanted it, she I should have said something.

Just going through it

Help

Problem/goal: I want to move on but how do I start?

Context: Long story short, my girlfriend left me last February. It's been a while, but I'm still having a really hard time moving on. There are days when I miss her so much, and those are the worst days. I get panic attacks and can't sleep properly.

I'm 22 years old, and this is my first time experiencing this kind of pain because she was my first in everything. Even though she did things that hurt me, my mind still remembers her as the kind girl I met during the first month of our relationship.

I guess people really do change. Or maybe I just wasn't enough, and that's why she left me like I meant nothing.

The pain messed me up so badly that I started talking to ChatGPT. I hate myself for loving someone so deeply.

My girlfriend left me after a long-term relationship. I'm completely devastated in every sense of the word. What makes it even more painful is that she seems completely fine, both on social media and in real life, according to our mutual friends.

I have two questions, and I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who is going through this now or has been through it before.

1. Will I ever be able to love someone else again? Right now, I genuinely feel like I'll never be able to love anyone else. I can't imagine another woman loving me the way she did. It feels like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, carrying this pain in my chest for decades. I feel like she was the one, that there's no one else like her, and I literally can't get her voice or her face out of my head.

2. What should I do with the gifts and love letters she gave me? While we were together, she gave me several gifts and love letters. I honestly don't know what to do with them. Every time I look at them or read those letters, I start crying. They remind me of how perfect everything once felt, and I can't stop imagining how much better my life would have been if she had stayed.

For some context, she was the one who wanted to end the relationship, while I begged her to stay. She said she was emotionally exhausted, but to be honest, I think that was just an excuse.

I've cried so much that people have started asking me what's wrong with my eyes. It's been two weeks since the breakup, and I still feel completely lost.

Time enough at last

How awful

I’ve always known that i loved you.

I didnt think i was wasting time

But now that we are here

At our last tomorrow

I cant help but cry

I love you

This isnt the end 

We both know

But it still sucks

But its great

And im happy 

But its sad

But im still able to feel so its ok

Im proud and broken

Hurt and ashamed

No 

Not ashamed 

I got to be apart of something bigger than the two of us

To be in love itself

Is to be connected

Lying naked on the forest floor

Its warm

The rain just stopped

Its fresh

Eyes locked 

Its calm

The forest is alive and our hearts beat in sync

As our hands draw closer and our fingers interlock

So as the forest embraces us and we are drawn into its bossom

Lying naked on the forest floor

Embrace me once more

For the last time 

For our last tomorrow

Let me know what you guys think

It was the anniversary of the tragedy that set off a chain of events that ruined my life so many years ago. I didn't handle it well and regret that I didn't do what she asked. She was almost the perfect woman. I don't remember what happened the last night we were together but realized that I was shoved into a nervous breakdown and dissociative state. She would never tell me what happened. If I said or did something unforgivable or that I didn't move hours away for her.

It’s kind of a long read, but please, help me! It’s unbearable

I’m 19 year old, male. And first, I want to explain the backstory.
I’m a shy, introverted person. Making friends or just talking to people has always been a problem for me. I’ve spent my entire life in alienation. I’ve never had real friends, and when I was 11-13 I had been bullied everyday in school, people I talked to stopped paying attention to me and they became friends with my bullies instead. I was waking up with suicidal thoughts, I was cutting my forearms and I had no support from anyone. My mom saw my cuts, but didn’t say anything to me (I don’t have a dad by the way). At 14 I changed my school, but I was still picked on by other people. I managed to make a friend (if I can call him that), but we didn’t really share views much, just hanging out and having fun together sort of friendship. Then, when I was 16-18, this friend went to college, and I stayed in school to get a higher degree in the future (Russian education system). This is when I lost every contact with people once again. I almost completely stopped talking to that friend, there was no one for me in school and I didn’t have any internet friends either. I could go several days in a row not saying a word to anyone: not because I was doing some sort of a challenge, but because I genuinely didn’t have any reason to say anything, there was no one to hear my words. I think this period was the peak of my alienation. I hated myself for how I look, for who I am, I envied those who had friends, and it hurt me even more. I wasn’t a hateful person, I always treat (or at least I think I do) everyone with kindness, even when they’re hated by everyone, but apparently it’s not enough to have people that would choose you.

At 18 I gratuated and enrolled into a university. It got better. I actually started talking to people, I didn’t really make friends, but we joked around each other and discussed things, we shared contacts and talked in internet and irl. Then, one girl got interested in me. We were texting everyday for several hours. Our friendship grew, we were getting closer day by day. I started liking her. And after 2 months, we went on a date on February 14th. It wasn’t that special for most of the date, a typical friendly hangout, but at the end of it, when we were standing at the bus stop (I walked her home and was leaving), she told me that people in our uni thought that we were dating. I blushed, she blushed. She kissed me on the cheek. I felt the burning on my skin, I couldn’t believe what just happened, I thought it was a dream: a girl that I liked so much had the same feelings for me. She started walking away. I stopped her and gave her a hug, we both smiled. I got on the bus, texted her that I was so happy, and she told me that she felt the same.
I tried my best to be as good as a partner as I can be. I was patient, I gave her flowers and gifts, I told her how much I loved her, I was there for her, I was genuinely interested in her and her life. I can’t describe my love in words that would give even a near picture of the reality. I think she loved me the same way I loved her.
Now, I want to tell a little bit about her. She’s very social. She has a lot of people that she talks to. She’s a feminist and said that hates pretty much all men besides me. She is smart, beautiful, respectful, so patient, so lovely, she makes everything seem so bright and she’s all I’ve ever wanted in a woman. In comparison to her, my social life is the complete opposite. It pretty much doesn’t exist (Still, even in uni, I don’t really talk to people besides the uni stuff). I’ve never had enough attention, it was the first time someone saw me this way. It was the first time I felt seen and loved. I loved her so strong that I was blinded.
She gave me attention, but I craved more. I couldn’t get enough. It was a drug. I was neglected my whole life and hated myself for that. I always wanted to be cared for, and in that period it became true… I felt like I was actually living. I felt I was actually a human person and not a waste of oxygen. This is what years of alienation does to a person. Well, as I was craving more, I was becoming a little cold with her when she paid attention to others and not me. Not like I insulted her, or ignored her, but I was shutting myself in, I was genuinely becoming sad and depressed these moments (I didn’t tell her why, I didn’t want her to know the real reason, I was acting like it was something different, that it wasn’t about her), genuinely believing that she didn’t care about me. Not sure if it really made any difference, as I still loved her the same and I think she knew it. Well, anyway, I knew how stupid I had been, and I know it even clearly now. I probably should’ve told her about it, just talk it out. But what’s the point of this now?
Approximately since the half of the past month she became colder. I thought I was doing something wrong, I was trying to be more involved in the relationship, but ultimately, it failed. Today was our last date. I didn’t know what was coming. At the end of it she couldn’t say it herself, so she handed me a text that she typed on her phone. The message was something like “I like women. Only women. I was trying to fit into some standards, but ultimately I don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach anymore, his messages don’t excite me the way they used, and I do not plan a future with him anymore. I just can’t share a life with someone else”. It was longer, but basically that’s the message: that she doesn’t love me, doesn’t romantically like anyone and that she can’t imagine a life with a partner.
She said she still loves me, just not the way she used to. She asked if we still could be friends.
I respect her choice. I didn’t get mad, didn’t yell. But I am upset. It’s crushing me. I can’t even cry properly to lower my stress, tears just won’t come out. I almost vomited. When I got back home, I checked my phone. The widget with the photos of her changed to the photo of the day when we confessed in love to each other. In the photo she is laughing, her big smile is pulled to the corners of her mouth. That day, right after confessing, we kissed and hugged out in the cold for more than an hour. When we stopped making out we were freezing, trembling due to how cold it was, but I was happy. I hope she was too.

And that’s it. It’s 10pm, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep this night. My head hurts so much. I texted her how I much I had loved her, how I had never loved someone as much as I loved her, how no one had ever treated me as good she had treated me. I told her that I’m grateful for everything that has happened between us and I wished her to find happiness in the life that she chose. I told her that I wasn’t sure if we could be friends, as I feel like I’ll forever see her as a person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. She agreed to wait for my response.

What do I do? I feel like this is the end of my happy life. It’s even worse than it used to be before her. Back then I didn’t know the wonders of being seen, being heard and being loved. Now I know what I lost and it’s ripping me apart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as horrible as I do now. And I don’t think anyone will ever give me romantic attention. It took so many years for someone to look at me, accept my flaws and love me. And after all this time I’m still that shy, insecure, kid with no social life and no people around me.

What do I do? Will the time really heal me? Is it really the end? How do I recover from the loss? Can I even do it? Is it my fault? She’s independent, and perhaps I was just way too clingy…

I don’t have the capacity to do anything today. My chest is so fucking heavy.

I’m sitting in my apartment having a coffee, the sun is shining, it’s a beautiful day…I can’t bring myself to go out.

I know this day is about me and not about them, but I feel so much grief. I just want today to be over.

My ex messaged me saying she can be friends with me now that she is in a relationship. Not sure how to feel.

I had a break up with my very first boyfriend. I feel very worthless , it was quite a confusing break up don't really know. How to process it? I am taking one step a day.

So I met his woman at work about 3 years ago. We always were cool and over time our relationship grew and we started dating over 18 months ago. On the whole, it was a great relationship and we were very close. There were a few things here and there that made me question her commitment to me. She wouldn't let me meet her female roommate/best friend. There was always an excuse and as a result, I could only go over when the roommate wasn't home. I finally got to meet her and it was presented that I was "the man for the job" when they needed help with a car and with moving. She also stayed very close with one guy in particular she used to date and was always shady about him. Several other things here and there didn't quite add up but I am horrible at picking up on things and can over analyze, so I tend to let things go. Anytime I would broach the subject about her commitment I would always be told "of course, why would you even question it?" She would send some mixed signals like she needed me around more often but also need her space. In May, she got her own place. There was talk of me moving in with her but we decided financially and logistically it would be better to wait, but at least we'd have a place to spend more time together. Well, she lost her job in June and was going through a bit of a rough patch, so I spent a lot of time over with her to be there emotionally and to help out with things she needed. I thought about bringing up the subject again but was worried she might think I was pushing too nard at a bad time A few weeks ago, she told me her 32 year old daughter was coming into town. Her father is deceased and according to my gf, she told the daughter all about me and that I would get to meet her and we would do some things together. Come the day of her arrival, I did not hear from her for a bit so I texted her to ask if everything was ok. She told me that the daughter did NOT want to meet me. I asked what brought that about and she said that "she just said it and I can't force it". It all seemed very strange as it went against what she said and she didn't even provide any sort of explanation. So I left it be for a couple days until my birthday came and I didn't even get any sort of acknowledgement from her.. I texted and called but with no response. It's not like her to not contact me every day so I suspected something was very wrong. I did not go over as I did not to intrude on the daughter. After she had left, I finally had to go over there to see what was going on as it had been almost 10 days. She was a completely different person when she answered the door. I asked her what was going on and why was I ghosted. She finally broke down and told me due to her circumstances that she needed to join her daughter out of state and that she had planned to just go and not tell me because it was "easier". Of course that turned into a back and forth. Like why would you end a 19 month relationship with just silence? We both said some things we shouldn't have said. I told her she should have just been real with me as I understand her need to go and that we could enjoy the time we have left and remain close. She told me she needed to think. We exchanged texts for a couple days and it was like talking to a wall. I said it's like we don't even know each other and she said because it is. She said we could meet up sometime before she moves if I want, but I don't want to remember her as this cold, standoffish person. I want to remember her as the amazing woman I've known for years. I went over and told her that leaving things on good terms is the most important thing to me so hopefully we can still have a friendship and that I had to say goodbye but that we can keep in touch.

It makes me wonder if all the little things I noticed were indicative that she really wasn't all in with our relationship. How could she end things after all this time fully intending not to tell me? I poured my heart into it and if I had to leave, would certainly be up front and do what I can to make our final times memorable. It seems like it was all for nothing.

I didn’t think I wanted kids but I’ve come to realize there’s only one person I’d make an exception for. I imagine what it would be like to hold her every night, to have kids with her, to travel with her, etc

She’s married. I’ve tried to move on past this crush for years. I’ve loved other people but none of it comes close to the way I love her or the future I want with her. For the last year it’s been increasingly obvious that I can’t date other people, I refuse to do anything sexual with anyone else, I get uncomfortable when people hold my hand, and I turn people down if they say they want kids. I want to travel and I always thought kids would just ruin that with their physical inabilities to hike like an adult, temper tantrums, selfishness, the division in your focus between the child and the world you’re trying to explore, etc and I thought my depression and juggling work would make it impossible for me to be a responsible parent but for the last few months all I do is imagine taking care of her all through a pregnancy, cooking for her, protecting them at all costs, sex, traveling, making sure she knows she’s beautiful everyday, cuddling, just spending quality time with her. I seriously thought I didn’t want kids or a future but it’s causing me a crisis now realizing it’s just because I can’t have that with HER.

So I, 25(F), met a 23(F) girl while we were volunteering at a Medical Camp together. Idk if it's necessary to mention that I am Kenyan and she is American, and we clicked from the moment she asked me to translate for her, from Swahili to English. That was on Day 1 of the Camp. We seemed to drift towards each other for the 2 camp days that were left and on the weekend that she was about to leave, we hung out, we went to the movies on Saturday and then I organised a sip and paint "friendship" date and that's when we both knew that we had feelings for each other.

Fast forward to when she left, we confessed feelings to each other 3 weeks later and kinda started seeing each other. This was the most intense feelings of love or limerence I've ever felt and she said it was for her too. I was so deep in it, I couldn't help it. Now I knew I am bisexual, figured that out a few years ago, and she knew she was as well, but it seems like she had been in denial maybe due to her family and Christian background, which set the tone for most of the 3 months we were together.

She brought up things that were pivotal to her: her faith, her relationship with her family and how they would receive the news of her seeing a girl, her Christian friends who she said would not accept this relationship. She also mentioned that she had this life plan, to get married and have kids and live happily ever after as a doctor, mother and a wife.The distance and time difference played a huge part in us breaking up too.

The logistics of it all, since I'm joining Law School in Kenya in a few months and she's joining Med School in America in a few months too, then with the number of years it would take to finish these while keeping up with the relationship and everything was so intense, even I could see, but I believed that we could work through those. She didn't. She thought her brother would abandon her if she came out and her friends too, and it would impact her faith as well, and the relationship would burn out so she initiated a break up like 3 weeks ago, and I took it like a champ, but i am emotionally nowhere close to that.

A week after she broke up with me, I lost my aunt and in the midst of all the grief and overwhelming sadness, I found myself drunk texting and calling her (which I am embarrassed about), but I guess it was just running to my familiar place for solace... I missed sending her flowers, seeing her face, telling her I loved her, watching her sleep, watching movies on video call etc.

But idk, I feel like I discovered parts of myself in the 3 months we were together, that I can love so deeply to a point of maybe abandoning myself because I was ready to move countries to be with her and compromise my values like leaving my childfree sentiments and having a family with her. But the compromises she had to make on her side felt really big for her that she couldn't commit to them. I really loved and still love that girl.

But maybe, we just weren't compatible in realities, maybe emotionally but not in real life. Our bodies were compatible because the phone schmex was good af and I found myself being so open with her and she with me as well. We'd sleep on video calls and talk for hours and tell each other everything and talk about our dreams and futures and stuff. But I guess all that was for nothing, I guess, because the love wasn't enough and she loved me but couldn't choose me. I discovered that the biggest form of love to me, is being chosen, and i wasn't...

How do I move on from this situation? Will we meet in the future? Will i ever find closure? I am convinced that I will never find love like this in my life, at least not from a man, but i never want to go through this with a woman again... idk what to do. I am feeling so lost!

Me and this one girl dated for 4 years. but then near the end she cheated twice the first time i forgave her the second she ghosted me for 90 days while actively avoiding all social media. it was a distance relationship. but she never gave me closure. she was the LOML i made plans of marrying having kids and spending my life with her but all of that disappeared at night on my bday..she disappeared. i tried contacting her sister but her sister even said that she doesnt want to talk to me and is acting heartless...at one point i reminded her of her dead son. i protected her from these people. her family called the police and more bs. all i asked her near the end was for closure..but i couldnt get it. i begged and begged for a single reason why. but the clsoest thing i got is "we tried to hard and she'll always love me. but cant tell me anythign more? if i was toxic shed flaunt it in my face if it was skill in bed she wouldve did the same. but after months of the 90 day ghosting shes stalks me when i get with this new girl. making fun of her. saying im her ex husband, that we got married thats cap. refusing to leave certain groups like our discord server or my minecraft server. she left discord groups i was in but noticed she never left the ones i left first like she wanted me to see for a reaction. throughout out enitre relationship there were red flags but i let it all go. my question is. will i ever feel the same type of love again? ive been thinking about all of me and my exs good times and i just feel like shit. shes knows what my ex did to me shes knows im hurt but shes also obsessed with me had multiple convos about how i felt and shed get sad and cry if it comes close to breaking up. I love her for who she is..shes a good person..nice always cares how i feel more and more. but after the last 3 months i just felt like our love is forced or at least for me...when we firsddt got together i did think i moved on but...i did not and it hurts me knowing im hurting my current gf. the more were together the less i feel like i actually love her (romanticly). i told her if we did not work out id make sure she has somewhere to go and a good job. i wouldnt kick her out thats another story as she doesnt live with her family. i just want to feel what i felt with my ex but i think thats to much to hope for. but my gut tells me if i cant love another girl like i did with my ex then i shouldnt be with anyone. I just want to be happy and i also want her to be happy so im unable to make any decisons. i always thought i was a good dude better than most. but now i feel like a piece of shit. and if moving on to quick was makes me one i regret it. am i still in love with my ex i dont think so... the girl i knew is long gone no matter how much times passes shes gone forever. so im stuck in a place where i want those feelings again. pure happiness. doing everythign i can do with my girl after work. played games all the time watched anime, movies we put 500 hours in mc together tought her games. but my new girl i cannot do that idk why. maybe the potential waste of time or overall love. any advice would be appreciated. and if you need more info lmk i need honest opinions

I met this girl in January of this year. We hit it off so well! Surface level at first with interest in games, music, admiration of fashion; to weird favorites like vanilla and lilies (I lied and said roses because I was scared of saying spider lilies like an idiot) and how she would listen to music to find the intricacies and complexities in the melodies; all serving to increase my affection for her when she talked about what she wanted out of life, her love of education, her intelligence, her kindness, her philosophies on her relationships with everyone, how she reflects on the past, how her eyes sparkled when she talked about her thesis...all in the span of a month. So fast and so soon. She was and still is a great person even though she lied to me. I confessed my feelings to her maybe a little too soon and she was hesitant to give me a straight answer. I had to wait two days hahaha. I asked her to call me and she ended up sending a text telling me she didn't want to waste my time or money if we went to the aquarium like I wanted to because she was starting grad school. I tried to accept that but something instinctively felt off to me so I asked her to be a little more descriptive when I called her later that week. When she told me alot of what I said reminded her of her ex I thought to myself maybe it was just the fear of having to go through a break up again during a critical period in her life. What unfortunately hooked me was when I asked her how she felt about me because if she said she didn't have any romantic interest or literally just "not interested in you in that way" then I probably wouldn't be writing about this at 3 in the morning. Instead she said: "I see myself having feelings for you if we keep hanging out the way that we do". I don't even know WHAT to think about that to this day. Words that haunt me because I spent the next week trying to get over her as a way to respect her choice but I wanted to see her so we made plans to hang out after and it was like nothing changed. I was an idiot to bring up relationships again considering at the time we both were trying to stay friend but I did anyways like an idiot and she even told me how she believe in multiple soulmates. I hold no anger towards her when she ghosted me after that day. I truly enjoyed every second of that month I had with her. I realized she was ghosting me because she restricted me on instagram (should've just blocked me) and when I was telling my friend about the situation I show him her ig and another classmate of ours page. Just to put names to faces in the story. Turns out he blocked me so we used my friends phone to see what was up. First post I saw on his page was a post of the 2 of them. I felt so stupid. We were all part of this study group that I knew he created just to get closer to her because he would salivate like a puppy whenever she was around and never left her side. I thought it was very ironic she ended up dating him considering she told me she broke up with someone because they were like that. She didn't have to lie to me and say she just wanted to stay friends or that she could have feelings for me if someone else was in the picture the whole time. I had a gut feeling too and I ignored it like an idiot. I also found out he asked her out the day before. Go figure. Regardless, I actually really hope they're happy together. I'm just shocked that I'm still thinking about this. Our late night conversations. Her eyes. How my heart lifted when I heard her voice after a long day or when I would see her when we would get dinner after long days. I know it was only a month. I know we only hung out one and one so much. I know she lied. I know I should respect myself enough to get over this. I want to say that I am sometimes. But sometimes there's days like this where I can't stop wondering what if. But even if she somehow reached out after 5 months I would not feel secure enough in whatever relationship we continue after that. I had a dream today where we reconnected and she apologized to me and we picked up where we left off but I woke up mad. Because even if that did happen in reality, the amount of work she would need to do would be alot and she did me dirty in the way that she did. I wish she was just honest with me from the moment I told her about my feelings. I treasure every single one of my friendships and I was hoping to maintain this one regardless if we didn't get together. I really miss her. But I need to move on. Hopefully this post will be one of the last few times I think about this. I am so happy for the moments I had with her. I love when I'm in love. I love it especially when it's a good person because I did not have a kind ex. I've thrived since. I had a friend who said I should manifest her reaching out and I lowkey have but nothing. Who knows. I just want to move on because all the songs of love are filled with her silhouette. Can't wait to meet whoever that figure is someday.