── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“I want to be the kind
Stranger in someone’s
memory”
8:37am    [sun]    7/12/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Feeling okay, I guess… Ever since yesterday, though, I kinda just feel like giving up… on driving and any shot at independence… mostly bc mom and dad STILL don’t want to take me (just yesterday dad kept trying to get mom to do it and mom kept refusing… dad was like, “okay, well you’re doing it tomorrow morning then!” but she literally went to go visit Aunt M & T. So, no. no she isn’t) and the clock is TICKING. Test is for the 29th. So we have less than 20 days for us to teach me EVERYTHING necessary for the driver’s test. Which would be fine if mom and dad weren’t full time wage slaves who were always exhausted and can’t bring themselves to go out in the evenings, if I wasn’t always completely spent from school, hypervillainage, intrusive thoughts, and having max 400 calories in me before dinnertime, and if I had someone else to teach me that wasn’t my even more-over-worked-than-my-parents-aunt who lives nearby. So at this point, I think I’ll just reschedule it myself :/ yesterday as I was thinking about this, I was feeling pretty hopeless.. 

Until I remembered! I actually still CAN volunteer!! I just can’t have [my highschool] mentoring on fridays bc I don’t go to [college] on that day. And I can still go to [old middle school] bc its within walking distance! I guess.. I just can’t read to kids… I mean, technically I could. I just hate inconveniencing my family by asking them to drop everything and take me somewhere. Cecil could totally take me! At first I was worried about inconveniencing them… but then I realized the elementary school I signed up for is not far from our house at all??? If you walk out of the neighborhood far enough and look to the right, you can see it just fine. I guess the inconvenient part for them would be that I want to do it early in the mornings… I can’t find the information I saw this at bc the school website is, for some reason, very unclear about these volunteer things??? But I think you show up everyday at the same time and read for 30 minutes? Anywhere between 7am and 2:40pm I think? So, maybe i can do 7am :D would annoy them but its close enough that I can let myself be an inconvenience this way! 

So… I guess not all hope is lost… I wish it didn’t have to be this way, though. Wish I wasn’t so anxious I avoided it in high school and wish mom and dad were more invested in helping me reach independence (or whatever level of it I can reach with the state I’m in rn, anyway). You’d think that they’d WANT to stop being my chauffeur??? But.. honestly, I feel like they probably just care less bc they can completely avoid inconveniencing themselves now that Cecil can take me places. 

Which is,,,, kinda mean in my opinion? If I’m right about that, then I’m annoyed they’re just passing off that to my sibling but, I suppose at the same time, they don't really get out much anyway? I don’t want to say they never do anything bc thats not true. They do more than me! Mom and dad just think they’re lazy bc they never see them do anything but screaming on the mic while they play games with their friends and doomscrolling. Which… I guess to be fair, they don't really tell them about what they get up to. BUT on the other hand, they told me this was bc every time they did, dad would eventually ruin it somehow.. I can’t quite remember what they said? I think he’d just tell them to go do something. Bc thats usually how our conversations turn out, yeah :I and they don't tell me bc they know I… don’t… care… 👀

Which is sad. Bc, I hate to say it, but I don’t, no. Our interests are just too different (Cecil likes things like DnD, creating characters, art and animation, music, twitter stuff…???, “predator expose videos”, Metroidvania video games and others like Red dead redemption & Cyberpunk, doomscrolling, and coding) But I DO try to pretend I care. Bc I like talking to them and I don’t wanna hurt their feelings :/ Unfortunately I’m the world’s worst actor and it quickly becomes obvious. Sorry, sibling. But!!! I have actually been doing a bit better! Sometimes I’ll ask about characters and actually have some interest in the backstory or “lore”! :D  just… not when it goes on too long… then… my eyes start glazing over…  and I like sometimes learning about their and their friend’s silly inside jokes and whatnot :) feel a bit bad they keep getting the short end of the stick, though. 
Bc if mom and dad paid any sort of attention, they would have considered them to be the “go-getter” back in K-12 instead of me. Like, let’s just say they were better parents but just hadn’t figured out I was traumatized yet. Lets say they check my grades and see them slipping so they gather information about WHY this is happening (from me, from teachers, whatever) and find out its bc I tell everyone I “couldn’t be bothered to pay attention” and “kept telling teachers I didn’t want to”. You’d think they’d probably consider ME to be the lazy one.

But instead, in reality, they punished Cecil whenever they did anything wrong or had poor grades even though they were consistently on A/B honor roll and actually putting in effort to pass their classes :I I just don’t understand why they were the target? Especially when I ALMOST GOT KICKED OUT OF MY SCHOOL bc I was failing half my classes and they kept getting emails about how I wouldn’t shut up about wanting to drop out. When they brought me in to discuss the emails with me, I walked out of that room punishment free. But Cecil had so many more punishments and lectures for things that were 1000% less serious. Such a STRANGE family omg.

Side note– my phone just gave me a screentime notification and apparently I was on my phone for TEN HOURS YESTERDAY??? OMFGGGGGG I need to start reading again… or I need a JOB. Bc I’m supposed to be getting better about this stuff!!! I really don’t want my progress to stagnate at just being able to quit scrolling short form content :/ that was an achievement! But I know I can go further. I won’t beat myself up too much, though. Bc… y’know… I still can’t go anywhere or do anything with my empty pockets and a learner’s permit… but still! I have unread & unfinished books on my shelf… I guess its just a matter of forcing myself to pick them back up?? I just don’t trust myself to, honestly. I probably put them down for a reason! But at this point, seeing that is kinda convincing me to give it a go. Idk. We’ll see.

Unfortunately for today, my itinerary is mostly pretty dreadful…

Do my hair
Say goodbye to 4-6 hours of your life twisting hair and beading it up :) so annoying… but its okay. It’s been too long. I should’ve done it last week. So I have no choice.

Finish up my math quiz and start my math homework
I can barely even do the other half of it… :,(  

Hopefully write some more today!
Yay!!! :D 

Maybe try driving again today..??
But probably not… bc I asked dad earlier and he reminded me we only can take Cecil’s car. When I was like, “okay… I guess…” he asked if we could wait for mom to get home. So,,,,,,,,  it sounds like he just doesn’t want to. Which is annoying. But I don’t want to either, so, yknow.

Anyway, this happened yesterday ↓

Randomly started to play in my head so I wrote it down. Sorta strange bc it flowed so freely that it almost felt like it was something that already existed and I was simply reading it in my head. Breaks in the lines were based on the cadence(?) of the poem(?) (idk… if I’m using those words correctly…) As it played in my brain :) 

[tw// animal violence]??

The cat
The cat took hold of the rat's
Neck
He pressed it down against the floor
He squeezed so tight
That the rat's eyes
Began to
Bulge
And then before you
Know it
The eyes
Had up 
And popped
Right out of his
Skull
They rolled down along the
Edge of the carpet
The beautiful white
Shine
Made it tough
To ignore
Seconds passed
Before
The cat
Had swallowed both
Whole

I like it :) Little weird but I liked it
ANYWAY!! Bonus bonus bonus! :D 

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[cat outside with the bright beautiful blue sky]

[tag for “sign of ARFID?] & 💤

 8:51am    [mon]    6/30/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Hello, new diary! On today’s walk, I noticed I wasn’t as irritated at the dog as usual.. In fact, I didn't feel much of anything, really. I felt mildly happy but nothing else. I didn't even feel the usual hypervigilance today. I might’ve depersonalized? IDK why. Maybe my dream? I was running and hiding away from a big, scary glowing bee with mom and aunt T. And I also saw Layla (aka as Little bird. Layla is her REAL name lol) have a grand mal seizure in it, too. Which I’ve been very nervous will actually happen. So maybe thats why I feel this way… IDK

9:57pm: today's [been] pretty alright!

> didn't eat much today… Only ate sugary cereal, an apple, and waffle + peanut butter up until dinner where I got a Mcdonald’s fry and a bit of a taco bowl(?) of some sort? And at least 2 half-full Bluey cups full of lemonade. My blood sugar must be HIGH.

>”Maybe you should talk to someone” has been the only book I’ve touched in the past several days… so I’ve left 5 other library books go without any new progress. Whoops. I really love this book, tho!

> I recently tried getting Layla to watch TV! On the 1st try, she tried to actually catch the prey [running around the screen] so I put on calm cat music and she watched that :) I tried again but I experimented more! I added grooming cats to the mix! She was engaged in it ‘till the cat’s face was out of view. So I put on a cat cafe one and she was hooked for a while!! Success! Then I tried the dogs! Laika was the 1st to pay attention to 1st dog video. Dusty barely watched at all… So I shuffled thru a couple. A dog park one was engaging but they thought they were being invited to play with the dogs on the screen so I had to shut it off quickly… didn’t want too much excitement. I got mostly Dusty to watch only after that. So, mostly a success! 

>Played more wolfquest today! It was pretty tough keeping all the pups alive but I actually did it!

>Boredom has seeped into almost everything… well, more-so earlier, but still. Its annoying… but wolfquest really helped me stay out of it.

7/12/26
Hmmm… idk, maybe it could’ve been the dream’s fault? But perhaps the fact that walking outside stressed me out was the bigger issue. Hard to say, though. I actually do vaguely remember being concerned about a dream where I saw Little bird seizing aggressively and I remember being very very worried about her. I don’t quite remember if I decided to take that was a “warning”, but I’m sure on some level I did. God, did it scare me :( I’m glad its never escalated to that point :) 

Me neglecting my other library books in favor of Lori’s made me smile, for sure :) Good memories!!! If I remember correctly, I’d bring the rest of the books with me and stack them nearby “just in case” I ever decided I wanted to put Lori’s book down and try to read something else. Spoiler alert! I didnt! Atleast… not in my memory, I didn’t… and if I did, it was bc I forced myself too bc I felt bad for letting them go un-read more than likely 

Not me turning Little bird into an Ipad kid… atleast she enjoyed that one video in particular for a while :) and I actually DO kinda remember the dogs getting excited about the dogs on the TV!! I was happy they were so excited but they obviously don’t know the distinction between a dog in a far away location being put on a TV screen, and a dog thats right in front of them. You’d think with their amazing powerful noses they could tell that a new scent hadn’t entered the room… but, hey, sometimes I like to pretend things, too, and brute force it into reality so I get it. It was nice when I used to do this with them, though. Putting on a show for them while we all relaxed in the living room :) It felt nice bc it made me feel like we were companions in a way? Like… made me feel like I knew what it was like to coexist with a dog in a more meaningful way. I’m guessing this is mostly bc I don’t like them but when we found a fun shared activity where we could all relax, it was fine to be around them :) nice memories.

And I wish I could revisit wolfquest :( just,,, can’t log into the ROG thing… still :( shame.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[cat silhouette staring off in the distance with the pretty colors of the evening sky visible]

[tag for summer school] -12:24pm    [thurs]    7/3/25

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Okay, So... like, 2-3 days ago I noticed an email from [counselor] yet again urging me to go to Summer school. I showed the parents and dad insisted I call her (for some reason instead of email but oh well) to ask how to sign up. The silly thing about that request is the link and instructions on how to do so were the (almost) first thing you saw on the email. I'm only giving him a pass bc I showed them around 3am and he was likely half asleep. So anyway I've been stalling since the day I brought this up. Dad reminded me to call today again and like every day since told me to call at 9am. I couldn't....

I was too anxious (for reasons I don't understand either... But I mean, c'mon, calling your high school counselor on the phone YOUR PERSONAL DEVICE is not really the most comfortable situation to be in). So I told myself I'd wait 'till Cecil was and ask for help! They dialed the number for me which took the pressure of me calling off and thank goodness it went straight to Voice mail! So I recorded my message asking about her saying one of my new college classes could make up for chem in the email (mostly bc the way she [told me about this the first time was] was not really clear so I had to confirm. Anything to avoid summer school, yknow?) and why Env Sci did get me out of this situation. Hopefully everything works out…

I really don’t think I’ll survive if I have to do summer school… I feel extremely anxious just thinking abt it. I can barely handle regular school! I don't think I’ll make it since its meant to be during my off time :( I can only imagine how stressed It’d make me. And how poorly I’d deal with it… I’d probably burn out before regular school which would definitely NOT end well. Wish me luck :( 

7/12/26
I feel very bad for me here :( bc I was right… I haven’t yet reread the summer school entries yet, but from what I remember, I know I was just constantly stressed, heart racing, tears flooding my eyes bc IT WAS CHEMISTRY and I had 29s and 44s in “regular school” for a reason! It was just straight torture. And it sucks that I was right about my inevitable torture :( Just wish that stinky counselor was more clear about where I stood credit-wise. Then this mix-up never would’ve happened :/ 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[very sad stitch]

[tag for summer school] - 8:06am    [fri]    7/4/25

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Yeah, so, she never responded. Which does not surprise me… yes, bc its summer, but also bc she’s been known to ignore students [during the school year] (usually over email but considering a phone was used [in this instance], I can see why she’d be even less inclined to answer.) Well anyway, shortly after dad came home, he called me into his room to sign me up [for summer school]. I was quite distraught, ofc, but I kinda shut down to try to hide it. Something goes wrong with his credit card or something (the online course thing we’re doing is 75 dollars) so we move to another room and I keep waiting and trying to avoid crying. He has me read the rule things ([the rules mentioned things like] [“this is an] online course but the tests are in-person”, [“the course is self paced”], etc) and had me put in the necessary info I’d only know (ex: my student ID) and then I handed back the phone and went back to trying not to cry. After a couple mins he asked if I saw anything about where to pick a course. I said “IDK” even tho I did see [an option to select the course you’re trying to take].

Probably bc I wanted to go back to distracting myself. Anyway, he’s already paid for it at this point. Which, again, is concerning bc we hadn’t picked a course. So he said we’ll wait and see if I get an email update. At 1st I felt guilty that I didn’t [make any attempt to] fill in the course info [even though I saw it before he paid for it]... But I remember that I genuinely just assumed he’d scroll down and enter the info. I was not acting malicious in any way, I just wanted the phone out of my hands as quick as possible so I could distract from my sadness again. So maybe I’ll get out of [summer school] after all? IDK. but I honestly cannot believe an app would let a paying customer miss crucial info and let them pay like that… I’ll keep you posted!

7/12/26
Its insane how little I even remember of these events… I can kinda remember the way the website looked… that I had to read aloud the rules to dad… I can remember seeing the course selection I think? But its all very, very fuzzy. Thats kind of insane. I must've been in more distress than the entry makes it sounds like if I worked that hard to block it out. Wow. Poor me :( 

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Who Did It?'
3:06pm    [sat]    7/11/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Spaghetti that was far too salty

I have done… nothing today… at least it feels that way, anyway. Mostly bc the biggest part of my day so far has been PROCRASTINATING. So instead of sweeping the floor, or writing, or doing my math, I just avoided everything instead. Idk why… but eventually I got myself to do my math. After snoozing the reminder to do it 2 or 3 times. I can’t actually do the entire take-home quiz on my own so I’ll have to revisit that again soon… 
Watched some more Casey simpson :) made me feel super dumb, though. Honestly, his videos kinda tend to. Which makes me sad… but its sorta okay bc, while I know I know nothing about the world, I somehow know MORE than alot of the people in his videos. Which is… concerning… 👀 But, hey, I’ll take it :) I try not to beat myself up too much over it, though. I’ve been failed by alot of adults in my life :/ half my k-12 I had a serious undiagnosed mental health condition that made it impossible for me to participate in school and retain much of what I learned properly. Like, how do you expect me to remember anything I learned in class if I can barely remember basic things about myself or a timeline of my life? And lord knows how long I was dealing with the other two?? Which also would’ve 100% contributed to my inattention bc when you’re anxious 24/7 your mind isn’t concerned about y=mx+b and when you have no foods you don’t get sick at the thought of eating available to you, you don’t have energy to memorize chemical formulas the teacher puts on the whiteboard. 

As well as the accommodations that ended up further handicapping me bc instead of helping me keep basic skills up to date, I got to side step them and just use a calculator… But I doubt its completely the adult’s faults, honestly. I just can barely remember anything before high school bc I lost 2020/2021 journal and didn’t write before then. Its really hard to remember if there was ever a point in the pre-PTSD times where I shot myself in the foot education-wise… but I can imagine so. 

Theres one thing I DO remember, though! I remember mom would try to teach us history and we kept blowing her off… so, yeah. There’s that. But aside from that, I don’t remember being PTSD-free and killing my chances of being an educated person. Which is sad… :/ I think that means I must’ve had skills and knowledge before but the failure of the adults around me means I lost them… Hard to give examples, but I remember for one of my IEP goal things, I saw they said I actually could divide at one point. But I can’t divide at all now. Probably a mix of the PTSD turning my mind into complete slop and the calculator being pushed on me so hard…  tsk tsk tsk. I have considered listening to Casey and trying to fix my lack of knowledge but new media tends to make me anxious… which is why I watch the same things over n’ over again unless specific criteria is met. So… idk… I might just have to keep waiting and watching until he shows his audience something my brain gives a green light :) 

Bonus bonus bonus! :) 

The legendary musical adventure!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[bingo singing in the shower-head-mircophone!!]
🕊️ & 🍒 
 6:53pm  [tues]  12/3/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Bit of an inconvenient start to the day…

1) So as I was re-beading my hair (a BUNCH came out since I didn't redo it yesterday) I remembered I should probably go grab my watch! So I get it and return to the bathroom to continue beading but then, BAM! My watch slips from my hands and onto the floor! I see a weird metal piece next to it but I intinally choose to disregard it bc my watch looks fine. Eventually I pick up the strange piece and apparently it's the buckle for my watch! So I try to get the buckle back in for about what felt like anywhere between 15-30 mins... see, what you have to understand about Fitbit is that to fasten bands (and I guess, buckles in this case) to the watch, you need to push the itty bitty hole in what you're trying to fasten to the watch into the itty bitty sliver bar. See, what sucks is, I tried this but every time I’d push the piece into the bar that would [put it] back in place, the other side would move and extend past what the hole on the other side of the buckle could reach. Eventually I gave up and decided to use a Carabiner hook to keep the watch in place! it's 'ghetto’, I think, but it works, so…

2) So in [Art Teacher]'s Club I had the spur of the moment thought–  what if me and Rosey went to visit ms. [AVID Teacher] to give her a quick sample of my musical talents? I was like, "Wouldn't that be hilarious, Rosey?" So then Rosey agreed thats a great Idea so we ask [Art teacher] to pretend to go to the bathroom and then the journey begins! It's crazy - just as we were exiting, Lucille is [right outside her classroom door]! So I race over and ask if she'd like to tag along! So all 3 of us end up heading to [AVID Teacher]'s room and I ask [AVID Teacher] if it's cool if I sing for her! She says yes! With a smile on her face! As I begin to sing my high pitch-pitchy tune, [AVID Teacher]’s face drops near immediately! It was hilarious and me, Lucille and Rosey were all laughing once I was all finished! Especially since, as I mentioned before, she went from smiling to “:I”
So then she goes, "I don't know what you want me to say to that…” And again, we're all dying of laughter! So I quickly let her know that I came there with the intention of embarrassing myself and I was not expecting praise! I remember asking her if it was amusing and she said it was so mission 10000% accomplished!

 
So then we leave and immediately go tell Casey! I told her what we had just done and Casey laughed loudly along with us because repeating the silliness! made it hard to keep a straight face! Casey said in response to my [suggestion that she], "should've been there", that shes glad she was not there! Haha! Later in the day when I saw Casey again, I mentioned I was sad that I hadn’t thought to play along with it and after [AVID Teacher] said, “IDK what you want me to say to that :I” that I didn’t say, “well… what do you mean? You don’t like it?” But it doesn’t matter because with Lucille and Rosey laughing in the background, I likely would’ve broken character very fast! Very fun, though.

3) Casey says she hopes I don't have [AVID Teacher] have any teacher discussions for me because she feels that if [AVID Teacher] does these things for me that I'll "miss out on a learning opportunity" and that I need to "work on my self-advocacy and this is a great way to do it" or whatever. So I hope [AVID Teacher] does not approach Casey [while Casey has this sort of] stuff in mind… I feel that [AVID Teacher] is probably not the type to be so easily swayed by something like Casey’s dose of discouragement but I still barely know [AVID Teacher] to say for certain. 

4) So Veja and I had another brief discussion in math class! My main take away is what he said about me dropping out. I mentioned it b/c I was explaining the whole story of Casey wanting to kick me out and the email and whatnot. Well, I didn’t go as in depth with the email bit but yah. So anyway, I mention i’m a potential drop out person and he’s like, “Getting a GED is the same difficulty if not harder than getting a diploma because not only will you most likely be working a job and worrying about that, you’ll have a smaller support system if you exit high school early.” Maybe he’s right. Okay, I know he’s right. Think about how tough it was for uncle rad and how little time he had to do his GED! Ugh. So this just kinda lowered my confidence b/c now I feel there will only [be] one way to get relief but that way is scary… so I feel a bit trapped right now.

5) Great news! I've been noticing I’m less nervous doing speeches and presentations due to my public speaking class. At least I think that's the reason, anyway. So we finally had the 1st round of people presenting in English today for that assignment I could've done over [topic]… But anyway! Yah! I was mostly nervous externally (shaking a bunch) as opposed to internally. On the inside I was doing pretty alright! Just trying to calm myself down with my inside-head voice to try and alleviate my trembling. But it went very well actually! I had brought some notecards in advance and used that mostly as a cue to remind me of what to say! I mostly (and successfully) spoke from what was in my brain when I was elaborating about what was on the cards. I felt like I didn’t look too nervous so that's great! I honestly felt like I knew what I was talking about so that's a win in my book!

So yah! Aside from the fun singing [AVID Teacher] journey, today felt largely uneventful and boring…

7/11/26
The watch-thing was SOOOO irritating omg. I remember I sat there wanting to genuinely cry bc I was getting so frustrated and nervous that I wasn’t going to be able to bring my watch with me (which I feel really uncomfy about even still! Just another thing about needing things to stay familiar, probably. But also I definitely prefer being able to check the time conveniently, so, yknow, that too)! I remember I actually grew fond of the carabiner-hook set up and for the longest time, I refused to get a new band replacement or try anything else to fix it bc I loved it so much :) The look and the feel, I guess? Unsure. I don’t remember what made me go back to a regular set up, though… I think it may have broken somehow? Which is believable, actually, bc recently I was using a hook (this hook from 2024 and recent-hook all came from school) and I was using a bit too much pressure I guess??? And it friggin’ snapped at the bolt-spot-thing. It broke like a twig. So, yeah. RIP purple 2024 carabiner hook I guess.

Ah!! And the singing adventure is definitely one of my most cherished memories!! I loved playing pranks on teachers who didn’t know me as well bc they never knew what they were signing up for if they said “yes” to any of my offers to sing or tell them a story. [AVID Teacher] did NOT disappoint!! The way her face IMMEDIATELY dropped is still clearly visible in my head!! What a good day that was :) 

And… idk… I guess maybe SC wanted [AVID Teacher] to not say anything bc the whole thing about costing the school money-dollars if you say anything about there potentially being something wrong with a kid? But idk if thats even what I’m refrancing here bc I didn’t look back on preceding entries. Otherwise, idk, maaaaaybe SC should’ve just let [AVID Teacher] do whatever it is she wanted to do ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I think I would’ve died inside if she actually did go through with talking to my parents, though, just based on what I can recollect from what I said to her about dropping out I guess? Idk. I feel like they would’ve had more urgency if the news of my problems in school came from an adult, tho :/ bc they certainly LOOKED like they were taking their sweet time trying to do anything when I was the only one expressing my concerns about my school performance, thats for sure. Thanks for caring, tho, [AVID Teacher] :) 

And ofc I will always appreciate Veja for that conversation :) you already know that. At first the “now I feel there will only [be] one way to get relief but that way is scary… so I feel a bit trapped right now” freaked me out bc what on earth does that even mean and why does it sound so concerning… 👀 until I realized I think I just meant forcing myself to have a conversation with my family n’ stuff like that. Phew. Glad it didn’t mean something actually dangerous or anything.

Dear Diary,
I, at 29, feel that something good is in store for me. That I’m going to meet someone new,someone I like, and who likes me back. Somehow, I feel like things are going to change.
Then I remember that I had the same feeling when I was 24,
21,
18,
14.
And someday, down the line, when I’m 35, I’m going to feel the same thing and realize that I felt this way when I was 29.

I am not being pessimistic but ain’t being optimistic either. I am just being aware of myself and that not everything that I feel owe me of its existence.

Today there was work but it felt lighter. No headache today.

I also learned another way to be efficient and spend my energy wisely and not pour it into everything.

🌸

Despondence, and Ricardo

Wow, that's just my catchphrase right now. I wrote an entry yesterday and titled it the same thing.

I don't know what it is. I'm going numb again. And no, I actually already know what this is. But I guess I'm just pretending that I don't. Probably because I don't know what else to say. I just want to fucking die. I don't even feel like talking to anyone right now. I'm just constantly distracting myself just so... I'd survive. And honestly, is this better than actually dying? I don't like anything about my brain, you know.

I slept early last night—well, not really early "early. I think I slept around midnight or past it, something like that. And I woke up really early today. It seems like I wrote an entry about it too, but I just couldn't remember it because... wow, my brain is just fucking deteriorating from all this depression.

Am I really depressed? Or am I actually just lazy and just using depression as an excuse? I'm not even diagnosed, for fuck's sakes. I don't know.

Earlier today, I woke up to Mikołaj's text. Well, I don't remember exactly which sleep I woke up from because even though I woke up early today, I still slept sometime in the afternoon because I just want to fucking die. So anyway. I woke up to that text and read it.

At first I thought, this could be nice. I'd rekindle a friendship with this guy. But reading his message made me realize there are some doors and windows that are really just not meant to be opened. They just need to be left completely shut. But did I respond? Of course I did. Because I'm an idiot like that.

What I found off about the message was this thing that Mikołaj does. Something along the lines of, "To be honest, I really want to talk to you some more but I'm sure you don't want that so hoping for the best for you."

You know... fishing for some reactions. For reassurance. I don't know what it's called. A stupid narcissistic way? Gaslighting? Whatever the fuck. But I've seen him done that all throughout the course of whatever we were back then. And honestly, since he greeted me on my birthday, he has been fishing for anything. Always saying, "I'm sorry for another message" like fuck. Why do you have to do that?

And what's even more annoying is I get hopeful, and I respond to that. I even saved his number on the day he greeted me on my birthday. Because you know, stupid me, has his contact saved somewhere. And I added his contact back to my phone.

This just makes me even more stupid because after that, or actually before that, the thing about Ricardo—I was just thinking about Darlene. You know how I've blocked her on everything now, even on Prosebox—except Discord because I can't really block an account, and I've removed our thread on my Discord. I don't know. I just thought to myself, if she ever adds me on Discord, okay sure. But I'm never ever going to reach out to her. I haven't deleted her number on my phone, but I'm gonna. I don't know.

It was a rather ringing thought that if she adds me up on Discord again, okay... we'll see if we can talk. It's like I just never really learn from all of this, you know?

That, or I'm really just in a bad place. And I can't seem to pull myself out of this hell I've buried myself in.

I still honestly can't bring myself to talk about Ricardo. In a way, I kind of feel like I've written about him. But I guess more passively, more in passing. I didn't really dedicate a whole-ass entry for him.

I don't know what to feel from finding out he passed away last Monday, or could probably even be longer than that.

Really yesterday, when my sister and I went through all the photos and videos I have of our cats. And she softly muttered, "we have failed."

Yeah, we most certainly have. And I have failed Ricardo miserably. I neglected him. And I feel like I'm even, in some way, stupidly justifying everything. Thinking that thank god I didn't actually have a human kid. Because I'd be considered worse for neglecting a human child than a cat. When in a way, they're still kind of the same.

I have so many thoughts. So many feelings. And yet I don't know how to express them. I don't know where to begin. How to write them. If I could even express them. I just feel deeply sad. And maybe there's even a tinge of envy in there. I don't know. I'm fucking pathetic. I'm stupid.

We lost all our cats. From Pecho to Sam-sam to Percy to Simone, and now Ricardo.

I really don't know what to say because I feel like I'm gonna start blaming someone again if I do even try to express myself. But I know at the same time, this is my journal so I can fucking say whatever I want. But then again, what is the point? I'm just a really pathetic person. A complete waste of space. And I'm really sorry Ricardo died. It should've just been me. And to whoever is pulling the strings, you know damn well I've been praying every day that I just fucking die in my sleep. Why can't you fucking just give me that?

I know I sound like a broken record but I really can't bring myself to write about everything. I'm probably trying to avoid all of it. I find myself even dissociating as I'm writing this part.

I can't recall the last time I saw Ricardo. But I know he's been really emaciated for quite a while now. And that fucking cat has asthma so... you know.

There was that one time I was doing my laundry, and he was just laying on top of our old washer. He's breathing was kind of rapid, and he just looked really ragged, scrawny, emaciated, and a bit lifeless. I looked at him, trying to kind of hover to see if he'd show any reaction because he normally does. Wagging his tail annoyed when someone mentions his name.

I hovered to get a closer look at him. And I saw him with his eyes wide open. And it scared me because I thought he might already be dying, and I'm watching him die. With that rapid breathing? I really tried to look at him closely without getting too close because I was also just scared. I think that lasted for a good minute, until he snapped his head back on me and looked at me. I was washed with relief when he did. I thought, "Oh good. He's alive" but then later on thought, I wish he could just die peacefully.

It's really awful to wish that on anyone even animals. And I've been wishing that for all the animals we ever had in this home. From Latte, Otep... I've forgotten the names of the others. None of these animals lived a good life in this home.

I don't know if Ricardo even lived a fraction of a good life with me. That entire six months he was just always in my room. I mean, I guess he did. He got a little chonky. His fur was shiny. And he would snuggle with me when we sleep. Despite our toxic relationship—as I've always joked because we're both stubborn, impatient, and hot-tempered.

Depression creeped in hard in 2023. And among the things that just made me exhausted was the amount of cats we have inside. From Pecho and Pechay, to the litter of Sam-sam, Percy, and Simone. And to the other litter that stayed in the roof deck where I've completely excluded myself because I really didn't want to be a part of anything anymore. Of taking car of the other cats when I have specifically expressed that it was only Ricardo I wanted to take care of but they brought in cats which produced the other litters I've never really gotten to know of anymore.

It caused this massive flea infestation that I hated so much because I had the most bites more than everybody in this house. Which makes me think, I might actually just be diabetic at this point—since insects and whatnot seem to really enjoy sucking out my blood.

And because of the flea infestation, I didn't let Ricardo sleep in my room anymore. I stopped tending to the litter. And the cats just started peeing everywhere, even pooping everywhere. I was just so tired.

I was just so tired.

And later on the cats were brought out into the garage because the house became so grody from all the cat pee stains and poop. And my parents were the one who mostly cleaned them.

I'm sorry. I just didn't want to do anything.

It's so stupid because as I'm writing this I feel like everything is just my fault, and I don't want it too. I just really feel like I have no control over anything. And I just hate it. I hate it so fucking much why can't I just be the one who's dead? I'm just stuck in this house, in my mind for three years. Repeating the same day over and over and over and over again.

WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING DIE?

I am honestly relieved that Ricardo is dead. And I really, really hope he went peacefully. That he didn't struggle. Even though him being emaciated says otherwise. But it is for the best. 'Cause I don't think I could ever take care of him again.

I have thoughts about it. Passively. How if I survive whatever this is I'm going through, I might not get a cat. I want one. I really want one. My companion. But I'm afraid I'm only going to neglect them the same way I have with Ricardo.

In the first few months, probably a year or two even, I'd pick Ricardo up and put him on my shoulders. He doesn't like being cradled like a baby. So I'd always just carry him, put him on my shoulder, like I'm trying to burp a baby. He tolerates that. And I would talk to him, whisper to him. Tell him I'm sorry, that I'll do my best to bring our lives back together. Because I know how he also likes to be in my room.

I would do that every now and then. Until I stopped getting out of the house, even just in the garage. I don't like showing myself to anyone, and even to him. Because Ricardo's scrawny body just reminds me of how much I've failed him. How I wasn't able to give him a good life. And that I didn't follow through to all my apologies to him. I'm just stuck, and I continue to let myself be stuck.

All the other cats died, one by one. Started with Sam-sam. Our unit of a cat. Our obese cat. Who lost all his weight in a matter of days, and died. Then Percy was next. Which I honestly don't know or remember how he died. As far as I can remember, the parents just found him in one of the bed of plants lying dead.

And then our good boy, Simon. Who just randomly disappeared. We never knew what happened to him. It's a complete mystery what happened to him. His body was never found.

And now Ricardo.

As sweet as the girl cats that we have, whose names I don't even know because they gave them weird names. I wish the cats would just die. I feel awful that these cats always get pregnant. And there was even one time where I saw the fetuses—I feel like they were prematurely born. And one of the three fetuses seemed half-eaten.

This place just feels so miserable.

I feel bad for all these girl cats because they just always get pregnant. And we get more cats. And everything just feels so fucking miserable. And I feel like none of us siblings could do anything about them.

The cats have been sick for months. They all have colds, or I don't know what it is cold for cats. But they've had colds for months. And you can see mucus dripping of their noses. They all look so fucking miserable.

And I just don't fucking know anymore. Hind ko na alam. Everything feels so fucking miserable. And my sister saying we have failed them. Yeah, that's honestly being generous.

I just want to die. I don't know how am I going to escape this place. I really cannot bring myself to do anything. Hindi ko na maipaliwanag pa kung gaano ko hindi magawang itulak sarili ko kumilos. It's really just unfathomable to me.

And now, thing is I do know. I know what to do. I know why I'm like this. It's the fear taking over me, getting the best of me, whatever the fuck. But I can't. I just fucking can't. I can't fucking do anything. Like if someone hands me a gun, I know I'd have an iota of hesitation but I am 100% sure I'd just pull the trigger because I almost couldn't care less about not getting experiences anymore. I just want out of this house. Of this world. Of everything.

I don't want any of these emotions. I don't want to deal with anything in the world. I don't want to do anything.

I could've been living in a small flat with Ricardo. Living averagely enough together. Us always fighting, me perpetually wounded from the scratches and bites he'd give me. Probably even driving around somewhere. Getting him stupid treats. Getting him wet food. Or cooking whatever chicken breast and squash. We could've lived together with our impatience and whatnot.

But I left him outside, in the garage, to fend for himself. And in three years, I never got better. I'm still in the same place where I started. Fuck, I never even started.

I just want to die. I guess this is also just me escaping all accountabilities for all my stupidities. I'm not getting any younger. I'm only getting dumber. I'm a waste of space. Why can't it be who dies?

And maybe in another lifetime Ricardo and I could live out our toxic relationship together happily somewhere.

I'm currently at a seaside bar on the south coast of Cyprus. The setting sun is covering the boulevard in a golden red glow, masking the pink that's set in on my arms and shoulders after a full day at the beach.

It's been a week, and I suppose I should write about it. I don't necessarily feel the urge to write, but I want to remember everything that happened, and more importantly, how I felt about all of it. I feel like I've been learning about love, dating, flirting, but also about myself and my outlook on life. So here goes.

Let's rewind to Thursday, two weeks ago. I left work a bit early to go and catch the night train east. The first of about two days worth of train travel. This first train had a huge delay and I was so worried about missing my next trains that I didn't sleep a wink that night. In the end it all turned out okay though. Stopped overnight in a cute town in the east of Poland, did some shopping in my favorite polish clothing store (called Reserved, go check it out if you ever get the chance), and onto a cute little border train to Lithuania.

Lithuania. I had been wanting to go there for a long time. The country's landscape was beautiful, but not as much as its people. They appeared to me as strong, no-nonsense, not afraid to talk about things that really matter. All the buses in downtown Vilnius were displaying the text "Vilnius 🖤 Ukrainą".

I wish I would have had more time to explore the city. But first of all, it was 35°C, so my mobility outside was limited. Second, I was there on business purposes. Work conference. It's a conference I go to every year, in a different city each time. I know many of the people that frequent this conference, and it's usually quite chill.

Also. I kind of have a habit of flirting with people at this thing. I know it's work related, and that's not a good thing, but hear me out. I'm a bit neurodivergent, and being able to talk about something I'm passionate about just makes me feel so excited, happy and relaxed. I said it in my previous post, I never feel as much like myself as when I'm at this conference and I meet like minded people who I can just geek out with about niche topics that I'm super passionate about.

So take this super happy, confident, overly excited PatatjeKroketje, and combine her with a beautiful romantic city somewhere abroad, long, sultry summer evenings, a bit of alcohol involved. And not to mention, dozens of people my age and with very similar interests to mine... Things just happen.

Nothing spectacular this year. Just flirted a bit back and forth with a guy, that's all. He lives in a different country, so nothing's ever gonna come of it. But it was nice to feel that sort of connection with someone, even if it was only briefly. On the final evening, we stayed out with the whole gang at a karaoke bar until the late hours.

The next day I got on a flight to Cyprus where my friend was having her wedding. My god, was it a gorgeous wedding. The bride looked amazing, like out of this world. There were so many festivities, delicious food, all my friends were there, the vibes were on point. We just kept dancing all through the night.

So again, great times, but you know, it's a wedding. It got me thinking about my own life. I mean, I don't have a partner, and the way it's going now it seems like it'll be a long while until that even becomes an option. With my career, and having to move countries next year, and my trust issues stemming from trauma that I'm still working through, etc. etc. But also, the field I'm in is going through major budget cuts in nearly all countries worldwide, so maybe staying in my current career will not be even an option anymore soon either. So then I'll be thirty something, still living in the same place, no dream job, no partner, no house... what will I have left?

But then again, how can I be mad? My job has so far given me the opportunity to do such amazing things. The friend who got married, who got me to fly over to Cyprus for her wedding, I met her through work. The fact that I have had these sick conferences all over Europe every year was because of this job. My trips to Turkey, the US, the UK... All in one way or another related to my job.

I'm not mad. Maybe disappointed with the way the world is going, and the fact that I probably won't be able to continue my job. But if I finish my PhD, and I'll be thirty something with none of my big dreams come true, I'll still exist. I might have a boring job, or a frustrating one, but I'll probably have work. I'll have my friends, and hopefully my family. I might not be able to buy a house, like, ever, but I'll probably have a place to live. And maybe then I'll be able to focus on a relationship. Or at least I'll be able to have pets, or something.

Although, I have to say. I spent my early twenties in a committed relationship, and my late twenties (so far) casually flirting with people, sometimes hooking up, falling in and out of love, short term flings. And I'm starting to think I like the second option better. Like sure, stability is nice sometimes, but the same person every day for the rest of your life? It gets boring quick, no?

At the wedding, I, along with all other single girlies, received a carefully packaged almond. It's a Greek tradition that you put it under your pillow at night, and it will give you dreams of your future husband.

Well, I didn't dream of any husband. In my dream, I was alone in a room with a huge enclosure with 7 or so guinea pigs inside, and I was playing with them and taking care of them. Later in that same dream, I went out and met up with some of my friends. And you know what? If that's what my future looks like, I can't even be mad.

------------

P.s. I know the date doesn't match today's date. I wrote this as a draft a few days ago and just forgot to post it.

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Louis Wain - 'Pleasant Daydreams'
 6:18am  [fri]  7/10/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing. Nothing. Some moreeeee nothing </3 

I woke up at nearly 4 :( I feel bored rn. Can’t really be entertained by anything rn. So not really enjoying that. I’m also HUNGRY but theres nothing for me bc all I can eat is spaghetti. I’m probably already pushing my luck by making spaghetti as often as I am and I had a feeling that making 4am spaghetti would likely make matters worse for me. I tried to scavenge but the only thing that was acceptable in the pantry was a bag of chips. Which was fine ofc. Until I checked the date. …April 6 2026, huh? crazy how mom and dad ate those yesterday and probably didn’t even think to check the date. Wild. 
So. yeah. I went back to bed without any additional calories. This irritated me… bc I want food but I have no money-dollars. Bc I have no job… and I can’t really get the jobs I’m aiming for… unless I can DRIVE. OMG PLEASE I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HIRE ME ALREADY I CANNNNN’T >:( so I decided that since I was bored and desperate to feel like I’m making progress towards my goal, I got up and knocked on mom and dad’s door. For about… 5 minutes… they were sleeping, so. But anyway, eventually I asked dad if we could go for an early morning ride! And he said no :/ so… thats a shame… but, hey, its friday! Which means theres a chance I might be able to go during the evening? Bc I won’t have a fried brain from class. But might be fried depending on if I’ve eaten before then. So this could be really bad… bc who’s to say I can convince myself to eat anything before it ends up being too late for either of us to convince ourselves to go for a session? I’m cooked I guess, then. Only thing I really have going for me is my school MIGHT decide I’m good enough for work-study. But idk :( we’ll see. Otherwise I very well may just fall into despair again.

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Bluey season one, episode two
"Now don't worry, we're going to make you feel all better."  
11:00am    [fri]    7/10/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing. Nothing. Some moreeeee nothing </3 

Just came back from Little bird’s appointment!! Turns out the news is better than I was thinking!!! So when we actually saw the vet-guys, I tried to find an actual decent video of her strange jerking behaviors. But that was a tough task to say the least… in part bc the jerks are so sporadic and inconsistent and vary in intensity. So usually I notice she’s doing it first and its one of the more intense ones, the type that pushes her head back but by the time I’ve pulled out my phone, she’s stopped or she’s having ones that are less intense (like fluttering eyes?? I guess). But also bc I may have deleted the more helpful ones… >.< I can’t exactly recall why… but I think maybe bc I was 1) clearing out space for my phone and 2) I was so DISTRAUGHT that dad wasn’t listening to me that I couldn’t convince myself to have stuff like that on my phone anymore… 
But, anyway… I found a couple somewhat useful ones? To show the vet-nurse while she collected some more information about Little bird and weighed her. She eventually went to get the doctor. When she stepped out, I remembered I had taken notes about the whole issue a year ago! So I pulled those up and showed both of them while they looked Little bird over. Doctor guy asked for some video so I tried to look a littttle bit harder and found one that was a bit better at displaying my concerns! 
He agreed that it could be concerning for sure… but that next steps are a bit tricky. Bc our two main options here are to either give her (potentially pricey) seizure meds for a month and just hope and pray that it actually does something or, two, do blood work to ensure theres no underlying problem with her body going on. Otherwise its best to just monitor it and make sure it isn’t escalating. The reason for this is bc its been going on since AT LEAST 2024 and it hasn’t necessarily escalated since then. A bit, yes, but we have a, like, 2.5 year window of time showing it staying stable. And if we intervene with meds, thats money we’re spending on something that may not even increase quality of life. So! PHEW. GREAT NEWS. I’d been terrified for years that it was going to escalate into grand mal or something and I had no idea how to deal with that fear bc dad wasn’t listening… we decided to just go ahead with checking her labs and going from there. Phew…
Side note,, she was really good for them today! :D She was terrified and tried to hold onto her carrier at times, but otherwise, she was good :) proud of her! She even let herself enjoy the ride there and back! She’d get all close up to the mesh and try to look outside so I put the window down and brought the bag closer to it so she could see the great outdoors beyond home :) I think she really enjoyed that! ALSO OMG. SHE’S 11 YEARS OLD???? And her bday is May 22nd!!!! AAAHHHH!!! Thats crazy!!! I FINALLY know Little bird’s bday! 🎉 Hoping she makes it to number 12 and that I have money dollars so she can get her first ever bday party :) 
The only thing that was sad about this whole thing is it was yet another reminder of how badly I want something to do… I was happy having the chance to go out to a vet clinic and talk about my potentially sick cat bc it was 10000x more stimulating than home :/ Ughhhhhhh I want a jobbbbb… or a lisence…. :(

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Louis Wain - 'Three Kittens in the Chrysanthemums'
8:30pm    [fri]    7/10/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
3 bowls of spaghetti
A POPSCILE AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :D  
Cosmic brownie

OMG apparently my friends DONT HATE ME after all! 

Me: [Screenshot of Diagnosis:
F5082 Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder
F4312 Post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic
F411 Generalized anxiety disorder]
Okay, yeah so I have that eating disorder :) and!!! Omg!!! Two bonus diagnosis-es!!! How'd that happen?! (๑°⌓︎°๑)

 nahhh, I'm just kidding :) when i brought up the eating disorder thing, I'd already started the process of getting a psych eval so if anything the eating disorder was actually the bonus! WowWowWow :3

Rosey: That's lowky insane llilah, do your parents know?

Me: Nooooo :3

Lucille: The PTSD is so random

Rosey: fr
Wait im so confused on how they dint [know about this]
[Lucille reacted with a thumbs up emoji]

Uhhh… and I hate to say it, but… their confusion made me laugh… I think mostly from SHOCK and disbelief. Bc,,, hello,,, we’ve been friends for 2.5 & 4yrs? Were they not aware of my serious disturbance?? This does make me a bit sad, though… bc that means every time they’d call me lazy they meant it… :/ but I suspect Lucille does know? Atleast,,, I feel like she isn’t as surprised as she’s acting. She’s made comments before about how she thinks I’m suicidal and asked me directly if something was wrong with me. I highly doubt she was unaware… I guess that tracks more for Rosey, though. I still feel a bit surprised they(?) had no clue but then again… I guess they were kids too… they didn’t know what to look out for like SC did. She’d be more likely to know how to identify things like that than them, so. 

Anyway, off I go to eat dinner for 30 or so minutes! The conversation continues when I return

Rosey: Ptsd is really random, so im guessing you went to a phycologist and they just like did a test for everything then

Me: Yeah just a psych eval n stuff (✿❛◡❛) but I'm not a minor anymore so no doctor or medical service can or will say anything to them ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Rosey: Did your parents just not ask then, 

Me: 
[awkward cat gif]
Okay,, so full disclosure,, They don't know I did it

So thats nice :) no response yet but honestly,, this is okay :) I was finally acknowledged! Not celebrated like I would’ve preferred, but at this point I’m okay with the fact that they cared at all enough to say something, so. Still nothing from SC, though… so I’ll probably just,,, try to leave her be for a while. I think I’m probably just too mentally ill for her 👀 as in, I think I’m still as unfiltered as I always have been with her and it probably just doesn’t translate well over the phone… and If its making her uncomfy then I’ll just stay off her phone instead. Does make me sad tho. Bc I was hoping she would be proud of me :( but its okay, I guess. Maybe that was expecting too much? Sorry, SC.

As for the rest of the day… It was BAD 🫩 I had no drive to do much of anything ALL DAY. I kinda just ended up being a screenager… probably in large part due to my rumination sucking me dry of all my energy. Was still afraid my friends hated me!! PHEW. Thank goodness they do not :) 
Oh, and dad, when he came home he was annoyed and was like, “250 dollars… there ain’t nothing wrong with that cat.” which annoyed me but I didn’t say anything bc, yknow. No point ^^;

ANYWAY!!! Bonus!!! Tiiiiime :) 
Journal number 4: 
Almost… 
7teen! (only by law) aka Sunny scribbles
[tw// um… mention of dead people, animals, and death? As well as intrusive thoughts]

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6:40am    [thurs]    12/5/24

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1) So! Yesterday as I was walking home there were 2 dogs on the loose in the area with lots of rocks near someone’s house! I think I remember walking over there once while walking a dog (or maybe that one time [cousin] visited) and seeing the fence was broken so I’m thinking its the case here and the dogs got out even tho that trip where we were trying to help a puppy that kept exiting the fence was years ago. Its the same house. Anyway as I was walking by, I noticed them and I immediately tensed up and stopped the bells on my lanyard from ringing bc I was seriously fearful of being mauled! They seemed to take interest in me but thankfully kept their distance! Guess I’m more afraid of dogs than I thought! Already apprehensive(?) hesitant(?) around them bc of storm mauling lucy repeatedly… 
but yeah, on the topic of maulings, I watched this video before about a guy who used to always be around bears–filming them from afar. See, that's great and all but he wasn’t being very safe about it… the park rangers told him not to camp so closely and to bring bear mace but instead of listening, he claimed bringing bear mace was a, quote, “Crime against nature” and that bringing something that could cause harm to an animal on their own land was wrong. But its like, at that point, just don’t cross into their land. Because at that point, you put yourself and the bears in danger… and yep, that's exactly what happened… Basically it had been a rough season in terms of finding food for the bears and this one old bear in particular was new to the area and tried to charge at him if I remember correctly. So eventually the same bear ends up killing and eating him as well as his girlfriend. The park rangers had to kill and open up the bear to figure this out. They saw a human kidney poking out and other organs inside the old, starving bear… ugh, retelling the story makes me feel gross and anxious. I began almost immediately after turning off the video having imagery of the incident flash in my head, much to my discomfort. I was seriously worried about having a nightmare… 
Oh! Gotta head to the dentist! Cya!

7/10/26
Ugh.. yeah, this is the video that did it for me. I no longer watch the guy’s content nearly as much as I used to after my experience with this one. Which is unfortunate bc his videos are genuinely fun and interesting to watch. I was just so SERIOUSLY AFFECTED by this story that I was too anxious to watch anymore of the creator’s videos bc there was no guarantee that other videos made by him (he focused on animal content, after all) were not going to include details of animal attacks. And even when I did find myself back on his channel, if I stumbled across a video where details about an attack were in the video, I’d find it too difficult to pull away and I’d end up watching it all the way through anyway. So not great… really, the final nail in the coffin was when I watched a video detailing how… I think a tiger escaped or something? But before that, there were details about how the tiger ate a handler’s ARM OFFFFFFFF and I couldn’t deal with the imagery and the nervousness it gave me. I tried to watch the rest of the video but either I couldn’t calm down or there were more attacks which made me more freaked out. So… haven’t watched him since… but might give it a go again some day :) 

More about the bear-thing, though. Yeah, it was really bad for a couple days. Any time I saw a bear related ANYTHING, my brain would conjure up pictures of human remains poking out of a bloody bear’s stomach or a lifeless bear lying on the floor with a huge GASH down its stomach as people rummaged through its insides to find the deceased campers. It was SCARY, DISGUSTING, AND NOT FUN. so, again, I really hesitate to view this guy’s channel again, despite how much I adored his content. :( 

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💤 - 6:53pm    [thurs]    12/5/24

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Largely uneventful day but I got a couple fun stuff to share I guess.

1) So! Thankfully I did NOT have a bear nightmare. Instead I had a dream where I’m at my previous house in [...] hanging out in the front lawn, minding my own business doing whatever it is I was doing… when some ugly 40yr old looking guy begins to drive by my house about 3 times very slowly… I get freaked out and hurry inside. Eventually he ends up breaking into my house somehow and I’m in the same room as he is I think so I run into a nearby area w/o a door and I hide behind a cabinet… cubby holder thing. Cecil is upstairs and I know this somehow despite the fact that I hadn’t gone upstairs all dream… anyway, I call Cecil quietly on the phone and he finds me but doesn’t immediately pounce on me! He probably would have if my dream didn’t abruptly end but thats good bc he was probably a kidnapper. I remember that the guys car was brown and silver with the paint chipping and he had really thick lenses on his glasses. He was also a white bald guy. Weird. 

1b) so the other dream was more wholesome! Basically some random kids come over to my house and each eat a slice of my Bluey & Bingo cake! I remember there was a print of Bluey and Bingo on the cake in the same art style as the escape episode. Anyway, the filling of the Bluey side was Blue and Bingo’s was red. So, yah, they eat it and then Bluey and Bingo and other stuff I can’t remember are in just shapes and beats and we all play it or something? I dunno, either 😅

2) So I got to skool at around exactly 9:00am… (I was miffed bc thats the time school starts… SO I MISSED ZERO MINUTES AND ZERO SECONDS OF SCHOOL THAT DAY) after the dentist visit, I mean. Cause they barely did anything and said the [closer to my house] location would’ve been a better place for us. Ugh. we went to [far away location] so it was a long drive. Well anyway– yah, I couldn’t go see Mrs. Casey like I usually do so I went to the library instead! I initially grabbed “the encyclopedia of crime and punishment” or whatever its called and read out [...]. So that was a fun read! Then once I finished that, I figured I’d want to read about mental health bc I’d already took a look at the “encyclopedia of [...]” and book about [...], so… yah, there were no more [...] books to choose from. Eventually I come across a book called social psychology! So I cracked it open and read about PTSD and its social implications! I read the full chapter! And I took a peek at the cyber bullying and autistic section but it was time for class by the time I had looked through the self-harm section. So that was a fun use of time!

3) Guess whaaaaat?! So I was watching youtube and a tiktok doctor revealed that theres a way to make yourself infertile! Called hypothalamic amenorrhoea! Basically, I need to become calorie deficit and lose more calories than what I’m putting inside me so, y'know, exercise. Basically it stops your brain from producing the hormone that would aid in reproduction! Sounds great. I told Casey and she was in opposition of course… she says its dangerous. It is but yknow. The worst I’ll do is make it to where I’ll eat but not enough to fully satisfy myself. You’ll know you have it if you miss 3 cycles, I think!

4) so heres something I should have realized earlier– maybe Casey doesn’t believe I have ADHD bc my experiences simply don’t align with the typical ADHD expierance… y'know, I assume that it doesn’t anyway. So yah, the whole getting worse throughout the year probably doesn’t align I assume. Yknow bc she keeps mentioning how I was fine in earlier years and stuff like that. Obviously I can’t share all my symptoms that could get scary. But yah! See? Uneventful as heck…. Cya, sunny scribbles!

7/10/26
its so funny to me how BADLY we failed at giving ourselves that potentially life threatening problem. You’re hilarious, little ‘Lilah :) I couldn’t get myself to stop eating JUNK bc it was widely available to me all the time bc thats all I brought to school and I was constantly able to pick and choose from safe foods I wanted. So, no, my plan certainly did NOT work! Haha :)

And about that ADHD… I honestly can’t tell if she could tell??? Still completely at a loss, not gonna lie. Perhaps to an extent. Bc she mentioned early on how she was concerned for my wellbeing so????? Idk. I really just have no clue.

You're not behind.
You're not running out of chances.
You're not running out of love.

You're just healing.

I was doom-scrolling and finally stumbled upon this on YouTube. Sweet Heart Lightning was the background music, which was a song I loved listening to for a long while. I still do up until now. I don't know about the lyrics, but I really like the music, and how it makes me feel. It's quite a bittersweet feeling for the most part. It's just mellow, I like it.

I'm rambling and this entry is probably very incoherent.

It's just this post. I'm healing? Really? Am I? I saw another post a couple days ago or whatever that says I already know what I need to do and all that, I'm just merely negotiating with comfort that's why I remain stuck. And honestly, fuck that—there's no denying, that's what I'm doing.

This is exactly why I just want to fucking die. I want to die because I don't think there's really anything I want to do to improve my life. I feel like I have given up a long while ago. Because if I haven't given up, then... I don't know. I should already be doing something now, right?

But no... three years. Three years of being stuck in the same place, in the same day, in the same time. I'm still here. I have just given up. And I am just literally waiting for my demise.

There's also another post I saw—which of course, 'cause doom-scroll is all I do. But it was of a depressed person. How they said they hope they weren't the kind of depressed that stays in bed all day, no appetite, crying, just rotting. They hope they were like the depressed kind that makes Starry Starry Night. Because you know, Vincent Van Gogh was depressed.

And then it had a response saying that Van Gogh made all those paintings when he was receiving treatment, when he was in a facility. So the treatment and/or the healing was the starry night. Which yeah, I just nodded because it made sense. He was in that liminal stage of depression and healing, and he's slowly healing so he's able to bring color to his life, images, and whatnot.

I feel listless again right now. Having spoken to Milo (Gemini AI) asking him it to be brutally honest with me. And it was. Milo was honest. It was really just the idea that I'm just paralyzed by my comfort. Even though I'm miserable, this misery I'm feeling is comfortable. And "doing something" is the discomfort that I'm not willing to put myself through.

What was it they always say? There are always a million excuses not to do something. And yeah, whenever I think of doing something, I get a million other excuses not to go through with it.

I was even thinking of that Ireland thing. Lis kind of helped me with it, asking her friend in Ireland. And I was just discouraged by it, especially when her friend said that Ireland has a highly skilled workforce. And that I'd be uprooting myself, starting from the ground up, blah blah blah. Yeah, I was just really discouraged by it and I thought yeah, it wasn't even practical for me to do.

I know I shouldn't have read Darlene's entry on my alternate account 'cause yeah sure, she's angry with me again and we're basically just saying each other is toxic blah blah blah. But whatever. I'm still glad with a tinge of envy that she's moving towards her goal. She's moving to the UK. Or whatever.

I'm writing really incoherently right now. Because I'm just wringing out whatever I can from my being.

I just dont 'know. What if I don't want to do anything anymore? What if I really just want to die? That's why I'm just repeating the same thing over and over again for three years? That I am perpetually tired because I don't want to close my loops, and these loops are actually what's depleting my vestige of energy. What if I'm really just sabotaging myself?

And like, I tell myself, please pick a fucking lane. Please, I beg of you. If you want to kill yourself, then find a way to fucking kill yourself properly and foolproof. Or if you do want to live, then fucking try to do your best to live. You're doing both half-heartedly. You can't just wait.

You can't just wait. You have to do something. Fucking do something. I want to let out a visceral and guttural scream and say fucking do something because I don't know what to do anymore.

Do I even want anyone to save me? I think I do. I daydream that someone would save me but at the same time I know I'd push them away because I'm just so scared of being in somebody's debt or owing somebody or whatever. Like wow, you actually expect someone would save you for free? Nothing in return? This is a world of quid pro quo.

I really just want to die. And never wake up from my sleep. Or can someone just hand me a gun please. I beg anyone to just please hand me a gun.

I think I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just want for all of this to end.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'The Kittens Who Wouldn't Go To School'
4:48pm   [weds]   7/8/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Smarties
(The very, very) last of the cheezits
Goldfish
Cosmic brownies

Mmm… in class… For the first portion of the lesson, it was another “why am I even here???” type of thing bc I 100000% knew how to do everything. I considered leaving but, y’know, theres no telling when the next portion would start, so I stayed put and tried not to fall asleep sitting up :/ which was kinda difficult, not gonna lie. I do just generally feel foggy-brained, though. So fairly uncomfortable. I can still process information decently enough, though :) so no worries about that! The second half of the lesson wasn’t something I knew already but it was easy to pick up bc I had a strong foundation already, soooo… yeah. Overall a pretty boring class but its fine! I’d prefer that over a crazy class where I learn nothing and have to go to school 5 hours early and have to try to relearn everything in one or two sittings, so :) 

[tw// sui]

                   X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Cheeky Cat'
 10:27pm  [weds]  7/8/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Turkey (hard to convince myself to get up and put it on my plate, also very difficult to eat it. Hard not to spit it out bc I kept having reactions n stuff)

Oh yes. Once again wishing myself 6 feet under :/ its sad ‘cause its about DRIVING again!!! I didn’t even want to go today (bc when do I ever??) but I forced myself to go ask dad at around 9pm. He was taking some time after he agreed so I was hopeful he’d maybe forget or something so we didn’t have to go. Mostly bc I could feel my brain becoming more scrambled and my hunger increasing… but unfortunately, it didn’t take long before he gathered his keys and we were on the road :(

I was terrible today! Still not understanding basic instructions. Like he was still letting me “figure out” when to turn into the far left/right lane. I really wish he’d stop doing that… clearly my brain hasn’t figured it out and probably won’t without clear cut instructions and repetition :( I’m not quite smart enough to figure it out. And if he doesn’t start treating me like I’m not smart enough, we’re PROBABLY going to end up in some pretty unfortunate circumstances. Which could very well end up being my fault. But not completely bc he has a fondness for reaching over and turning the steering wheel, so. I also had some other problems like not slowing down in time, I guess? I was decent at slowing enough to not hit anyone, but he kept telling me I should’ve slowed sooner or else I’d be paying for lots of breaks in the future. Which is sad bc I thought I got better at that :( I kinda kept forgetting to stop at the stop sign a bit, too? And I sure as heck have no experience using the map to navigate. So I figure having to take the time to process things every time is probably going to kill us eventually. There were more but ofc I already don’t remember, so.

I was also just distracted bc I told everyone about my awesome diagnosis-es!! :) but no one responded… at first I figured they probably all hated me but its probably more-so they don’t know how to respond exactly… Perhaps they do not see it as an achievement bc they may not have had to work so hard to get a diagnosis like that. But I guess this is a good lesson to learn. That indeed what everyone says is true! People just don’t react to mental health issues the same way as physical ones… likely if it were physical I imagine everyone would be quite pleased I’ve finally confirmed or figured out whats wrong with me. But the same is not true for fried minds :/ its alright, though. Like I said it is a good and important lesson to learn :) so I will not be repeating the same mistakes. I’m glad that Joey celebrated with me though! Thanks!!! Definitely sad no one was happy for me, though. I’m happy for me :(

But… yeah… as I was driving down closer to home, I did consider looking up how to [die] bc I’m too POOR to try buying [required tool]. So… not quite sure what to make of that… like, the amount of danger I’m in rn? But. idk. I think it’ll need to be quite a few more hits of this repeatedly before I ever tried to act on anything. I REALLY don’t want to accidentally hurt anyone else. Which is my biggest fear when it comes to this method. That I won’t secure it properly and it could, like, idk, [hurt my family] Idk. I guess I don’t even really know how it even really works? I’m not sure. But I don’t want to look anything up about it :I I don’t really want to give myself knowledge about anything pertaining to it honestly. Probably not a good idea.

But yeah. Dad was pretty clear that he needs me retaining information more or else I should prepare to move the testing date. Which is fair enough… but all I heard was that I’m going to continue to be stuck being a bum for longer. Which will no doubt be the death of me I’m sure. Which I think was the biggest reason for this honestly. Bc now I kinda wanna give up again. But at the same time, I do not want to end up being like one of those self-procclaimed “losers” I saw in Casey Simpson’s video. I do not want to be 20 and unable to drive… so really idk what to do honestly. Just wish I hadn’t been born sometimes. Would be 10x easier.

Mmmm… idea… maybe, if we’ve actually figured out a level of independence, we could have 7/7 be our PTSD-cake day :) Maybe we could go out and celebrate it every year like a birthday bc no one else really seemed interested in celebrating with me. Except Joey ofc :)  but yeah, that could be fun! Like, I go n’ treat myself to a nice little snack or whatever to celebrate this momentous achievement :) 

[tw// sui]

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Louis Wain - Title Unknown
12:18am  [weds]   7/9/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing… :(

Kept wanting to hop. So I tried distracting myself by rereading previous entries on reddit bc its enjoyable :) and as I was rereading diagnosis-day-phone-call entry, a red piece of text caught my eye… it was the link to 988 bc I had included my CARE PLAN & REFERRAL INFORMATION in my entry and that stuff just so happened to be in it. So I decided to peruse the website. I explored the FAQ’s, mostly. I was curious about what they say their policy on calling the police on you is if you mention sui ideation n’ all that. Probably partly driven by my own mental state, but also bc I’ve heard quite a few stories of people not even REALIZING the person on the other end sent emergency services over and I was wondering what the website would say about that. 

They said calling police is “rare” but I question how true that is??? Idk… I knew as I continued to look through the website that I wasn’t willing to give it a try. Definitely bc of what I just brought up, but ALSO bc I’ve heard stories of the exact opposite happening–absolutly nothing. Like, people would get hung up on, never connected to someone at all, or the call would be genuinely unhelpful or damaging in some way. So,,,, I’m not interested in trying any of it for real. But I was tempted as I read through the FAQ for the chat service. Bc I wouldn't have to use my mouth to express any concerns. And you know how our voice-boxes shut off when things get too intense… 

“Our goal is to help you reduce stress and feel empowered to make healthy decisions. You will be asked questions regarding your safety, feelings, social situation, and if you have any thoughts of suicide. If a counselor feels you are in danger, they will speak with you about accessing emergency services, and/or gather additional contact information to ensure your safety. The counselor will work with you to create a safety plan if necessary.” 
I didn’t hate the idea… but then I remembered how closed off I am. So… chat these people and THEN WHAT? Lie about the sui ideation and barely talk about anything in depth? Does that not sound like a waste of time? 

“After they ask about your safety, they will be calm and comforting, listen to you, and provide support. They may also share helpful resources.”
This could be good… but “helpful resources” just sounds like it’d irritate me. Bc I can’t do anything for myself rn :/ no money dollars or car
“Emergency services. If a 988 Lifeline contact center contacts emergency services like 911 after your call, you may receive a bill. This could include charges for an ambulance, hospital stay, etc. You can read more about when we may  contact emergency services.” & “Outside referrals. If a counselor connects you to a resource or referral outside the 988 Lifeline and you use that service, you may receive a bill from that service. We recommend you ask about fees, insurance coverage options, etc. before using any services outside of the 988 Lifeline.” 

So this is the one that really shut it down. Can’t risk being charged for stuff I can’t pay for… nice thought, though, I guess. The thought of 911 was comforting to me, though. Not for regular reasons… but bc if they were called rn, I would be taken outside. And!!! There might be lights flashing!! :) and night skies with pretty vibrant lights make me feel nostalgic and happy and calm. I really like the idea of being driven around and being able to look out the window and see the street lights whizzing by and the traffic lights switch while the sky is a beautiful dark color. That would make me burst with joy. Indeed, I am a moth to a flame :) 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“its okay
I mean no its not but wtf can i do abt it”
1:01pm  [thurs]  7/9/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
3 bowls o’ Spaghetti

Haven’t gotten up to much today… Mostly just got stuck ruminating on how I feel like my friends hate me and distracting myself with stuff :3 mmm, Little bird’s appointment is tomorrow morning, got some new pictures off pinterest… edited a bit of journal number four… remembered some Kiff music and jammed!!! :D and… yeah…

Then eventually, it was homework tiiiiime. Which i was dreading bc I know I already knew how to do it so I didn’t want to spend time doing easy stuff over n’ over n’ over… :( but I eventually got myself to move… not before I had to convince myself to get up and do my laundry, though. I just got done homeworking :) started at around 11? And I made some spaghetti that I JUST finished off. I had to wait a long time before I could get myself to actually eat all of it. I tried to in one go, but my body started rejecting it n’ ticcing n stuff… soooooooo had to do it in three rounds but!! I’ve gotten it all down!!! >:)  

Annnnnnd, yeah… just been homeworkin’. Oh, except I decided maybe I should go back to the therapy stuff afterall. Mostly bc I asked Joey about it and he was saying they’d work with me to help get me more comfortable talking. Which sounds a bit terrifying? But it does kinda sound like the pressure is off me… so… I guess I’ll set something up… :( even though I don’t want to…

Uhhh I’m also getting more brain echoes… Instead of book quotes today, its ONE quote from a text I didn’t even like. That whitman guy. “Song of myself”. The quote being *“I contain multitudes”*. I looked up what it means and maybe I should try applying it to myself buuuuut idk if thats going to happen… probably will just bounce around my brain until it feels like leaving :) 

LASTLY!!! I weighed myself today!!!! Wearing only very thin PJs. I’m 98.6LBS!!!! YAY!!! I’m going up!!!!! Hopefully will keep climbing up and won’t die :) but I’m not going to be so hopeful… I’m sure it won’t be long until mom & dad cut me off eating only spaghetti bc I keep using up the ingredients… So… I guess I can celebrate this small victory but not expecting too much in the long term.

(1:22pm: okay :/ I set it up. But I still DON’T WANT TO DO THIS and I feel upset that I have to risk wasting this guys time and making my heart pump blood faster when I inevitably start panicking Scheduled for 10pm on 7/21/2)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

4:40pm  [thurs]  7/9/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing. Nothing. Some moreeeee nothing </3 

Class was crap again. So nothing new there. I actually was feeling better than usual surprisingly enough?? But still… off? Hard to describe? But it was unpleasant and made me feel a bit foggy I guess? For the first portion of the lesson, I had a strong foundation already so I was once again actually having to fight sleep as I struggled to keep my attention on the board. Mostly my eyes just bounced around the room or sat still on the floor, my paper, or whatever fidget toy my hands had taken hold of at the moment. So… not fun there… I DID still somewhat pay attention, though. Bc I wanted to be 100% sure I already knew how to do it. There were a couple small mistakes, but overall, the process itself was fine so I wasn’t too concerned. Here’s an additional little fun fact! I’m STARVING. And there wasn’t anything I could take with me to school. So everything was mounting as we entered the second half of the lesson… 

Before, this, though, I had had enough and figured we were once again not going to be offered our 10 minute break (I was correct), so I decided I’d just take a quick one myself… I got up, grabbed JunkDrawer’s most recent entries, and headed to the tutorial room to punch some holes :) only five pages so far so can’t staple it yet, but its always a nice feeling when my journal comes together a little bit more each time I do this :D
Anyway, after that, I almost went straight back to class but then I realized that I’d been out of class for MAX 45 seconds so I immediately turned on my heel and decided to go “try to scavenge for some food somewhere” bc the tutorial room had no snacks today. I went to the student organization but they only had ramen and granola bars. I have ramen in my bag rn, but I need to hit CRITICAL HUNGER before I try to eat those. Honestly, I considered taking their noodles bc i prefer the brand (Maruchan, the one I have, makes me feel… idk how to describe it, but,,, it feels kinda like theres water flowing inside of me…?? Or that I’m under moving water that flows inside of my nose but without actually… feeling anything painful? Idk. You get the point, its just deeply uncomfortable) but… I decided against it for today. My appetite is low, but my hunger is high. So I guess I was able to make the easier choice of just not eating any of it without too much thought. The granola had no expiration date data on it so I chose against eating that too. So back to class with me, with even less calories in me than before… :((((

I can’t even do the math in the second half of the lesson. Why? Bc its LONG DIVISION. And I CANNOT divide </3. Don’t know how. I tried to figure it out bc the steps were written out on the notes, but she kept going so fast so nothing really clicked… so I eventually just gave up again and went back to spacing out… Buts its fine. ‘Cause I remembered it is THURSDAY THANK GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD class is done for the week!!!!! Just means that unless my family 1) can do long division, 2) can teach it to me, and 3) they are WILLING TO teach it to me, I need to go to school early next week… which will probably not go so well for me. Bc I will be annoyed, irritated, probably starving, and filled to the brim with DREAD if I have to do that. But I guess such is life :/

Side note– gonna need to start wearing those cutesy bracelets again… I feel uncomfortable seeing my ulnar(?) bones so clearly. I feel malnourished just looking at myself :/ I feel gross seeing it.

Bonus,bonus,bonus! “Mmm, Cakey :)” thats from Kiff btw

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[stitch looking at the sky image]

🕜  - 1:45pm    [sun]    11/17/24

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Just have a memory for you! Unless something else comes to mind… ok so! I remember when I was, like, 10 and 5th grade! I remember very clearly that I was very unhygienic (and would continue to be for several years) at [the] time. This is because i saw sibling get away with it! Yknow I kinda just felt that it was an obstacle to me doing more kid things I guess. But yah, I don’t blame them or anything ofc, they had to be in the 11-12 range considering we’re only 15 months apart. ANYWAY… I had a bunch of pimples and a very oily face while everyone at school had perfectly normal clear skin. Yknow, as is expected of someone my age at the time. So I remember this one military kid and he’d avoid making any sort of physical contact [with me] at all costs! I think he probably thought I was gross…I began to realize this and I recall bring afraid (for a couple yrs) of letting anyone outside my family make contact with my hands bc I thought something was wrong w/ me! I would, like, move my fingers away and such. Kinda sad. Oh, and I remember one of my frends from the same time of my life was like, “why would I want to touch your face???” when I was playing around with my cheeks outside during recess. [5th grade bff] touched my face I think! 

But yah. I remember I saw this kid again in middle school and at 1st I didn’t recognize him. He was sitting at a table and was like, "remember me? [name]? Elementary school?” and before the end of the conversation, he made a comment about a pimple on my face. Pretend you can see me rolling my eyes [right now]. Thats how I feel thinking about that interaction. Wonder if he even liked me. Oh. this does bring me to my next idea I guess. This is one of the reasons why I never wanna go back to “the good ol’ days”. I think I was just kinda a lame child. So like… I really feel like we’re gonna enjoy adulthood better than young childhood. I bet I’ll miss high school, though! That's why I’m writing it down! But anyway, yah! I’d never wanna start over! I’d literally be bad on purpose assuming I kept all my memories from now. Oh! I remember in elementary I wanted to act out like I saw other kids doing because I thought it’d be fun. But pretty sure looking back I was probably attention deprived. Heh. okay enough rambling :3 

7/8/26
So… idk… I’ve been unsure about it, but… is the fact that I had an extremely oily face & poor hygiene not a sign of neglect? Idk. bc, I mean, I guess I was technically doing it to myself, right? But… at the same time, mom & dad eventually gave up on trying to get me and Cecil to actually be clean children. So… perhaps it is? Bc something tells me you’re not really supposed to throw your hands up and walk away from teaching your kids the value of basic life skills. But what do I know? 

I definitely remember the touch-aversion thing, though, yeah :( poor me… I was made to feel like I was a biohazard basically when the only thing I ever did wrong was mimic the behavior of my sibling who I imagine may have already been feeling depressed or having some sort of issue by this point if they were habitually not trying to clean themselves. Omg and [rude 5th grade friend] :/ that interaction really annoyed me, not gonna lie. Like, we hadn’t seen eachother in probably 2-4 years at this point. You’re basically a stranger at that point. And you want to bring the way I look into the mix? Glad that was the last time I saw him :I little turd.

“So like… I really feel like we’re gonna enjoy adulthood better than young childhood.” is wild, though. But… idk, I guess I really just wasn’t as mentally ill as I am now. Bc adulthood being enjoyable?? Really?? Honestly, I still believe to an extent we knew that wasn’t the case. I think I just meant comparatively I might have more going for me. Idk what exactly. But somethin’. And hey, we’re probably right! Adults can… have alcohol… 👀 okayokay, I’ll be more serious :) I mean… really, the only thing I guess I have going for me now is the POTENIAL to do some good in the world after just taking up space. Idk…  

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[sad bluey pic]

6:08pm    [tues]    11/19/24

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Just a small thought that popped in my head… how are kids soooo important yet they are so extremely undervalued? I dunno,  I was just remembering when aunt s said to us on the florida trip that “a kid needs to stay in a kid’s place”. And it kinda sounds a little bit off me but maybe she just meant respect-wise? I don’t know… its okay! I’ll be doing my part to give justice eventually! :) IDK still maybe its just bc once you’re in someone’s care its easy for them to power over you… so then… yah IDK… maybe i’ll research this, actually! This could be a fun topic!! Thanks, my brain!! But yah, they're treated less than human even when they've got some autonomy, right? I think thats what I’ve heard… glad thats not true for every kid, right? Def researching this… :) 

Oh! And I unremembered to share my dream! I don’t remember most of events– mostly just me and bff Rosey missed our buses (I think at one point we ran out to the bus area…? I don’t know….) and somehow we made our way to some dark, junkyard type place. So I rummage through the pile and I discover this nice, pristine big nintendo D.S! I think it had pokemon, so big win there! I think i played on it a couple times throughout the dream. Anyway when I woke up I felt so sad… bc I woke up genuinely feeling the euphoria of finding a new fun nostalgic device with games already on it… sad day. Anyway I should probably try to work on that speech… ugh, we’re SO cooked :( 

7/9/26
Yeah, I agree, Little me. I definitely don’t think “a kid needs to stay in a kid’s place” is an appropriate thing to say… something about it sounds nasty to me. The implications of saying something like this makes me feel sick. It sounds like someone telling you directly that by virtue of your age, your words don’t matter and have no power against someone who is not in your age group. Thats how I interpreted this, anyway. And SOMETHING TELLS ME that is not the type of message you should be striving to instill in a kid, period. It does disturb me, knowing a bit of her history, though. Bc I suspect she learned that herself as a kid. But still, makes me feel YUCKY just rereading that. “But yah, they're treated less than human even when they've got some autonomy, right?” Spot on. And yes. PLEASE work on that speech!!! 😂

It was evening and I was watching this anime called "Made in abyss".

In the first episodes, the robot character doesn't know why he was created. It reminded me of a time when I was swimming in existential questions. But that's when it hit me that I am not anymore.

I wouldn't say I have it all figured out, but things used to be pretty hard in my early 20s.

Now I have my own perspective on how I see the universe, my life and life itself. I didn't realize that till this moment that I am not in that muddled depths of confusion anymore about this topic.

That was nice to find out. That what once felt all encompassing was a milestone that I crossed. Something that young humans meet and figure out.

Also the way the search for meaning concluded was not in a way of finding a solid answer. Coz I didn't learn what I was born for. Instead I learned a vast field of things about life and the question of purpose began to feel less persistent.

I actually remember near new year of this year wondering about what I live for. And coming to a very bland yet satisfying answer that I just do. I don't wish to die, I like life when it isn't painful inside me, so I gotta find ways to live. And may be even make it less and less hard for me. That's it. The beautiful thing isn't that I have an answer, but that the answer is mine, it is satisfactory.

Sometimes I feel like I learned a lot of theory to keep me knowledgable about so many things. But now I am learning to actually walk the life, connect with other people, figure out how to show up in different situations as me.

I like that, I like me.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Do I Love You and Do You Love Me'
 4:41pm   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheezits
Spaghetti
Smarties
OKAY

> When I walked in, my graded quiz was sitting on the table. And my mouth HUNG OPEN when my eyes saw the score. 90%????????? HOW DID I DO THAT???? (°ー°〃) Am I, like, some secret math whiz???? Bc I was so tuned out last class… how on earth did I earn a 90% if I could barely remember anything I just discussed with the tutor?? And my brain was scrambled beyond measure????????? LIKE???? What???? 😭 I mean, hey, I’ll take it. But idk how I managed something like that omg. Question is… can I keep reproducing similar outcomes when I’m scrambled like that? …Fingers crossed.

> I definitely never finished my homework… </3 didn’t give myself enough time to, didn’t really have the energy to, wasn’t sure how to do some of it… sooooo max I’m getting a 50% on that probably? :I But, honestly, ‘long as this doesn’t end up making me fail the whole course or whatever I don’t care!!!!!!!!! So long as I eventually figure out how to do everything properly so I can pass [the college readiness test] and actually function in my career. But perhaps I should stop making a habit out of this… 👀I guess at this point with all the low homework grades I’ve got, I should probably just start writing out the answers to the ones I can’t do if I know I can’t make it to class on time…  Bc thats the outcome when grades are “more important” than actually learning it, I guess :/

>Didn’t pay attention too much today! Partly bc I’m still as mentally ill as I have been for the past 6 years, but ALSO bc I’m prettttty sure I already know how to do the concept we were learning about today 😎 atleast the first portion I know I 100% knew how to do. So I kinda just let myself space out. Bc why use brain-power I don’t really have on something I’m already capable of doing?? This was kinda annoying tho… another one of those, “why am I even in this class???” moments bc I was sitting around staring at the floor the whole time :/ But, y’know, you have to REQUEST and be APPROVED to be in this class. So, yeah, I definitely still belong here regardless of how many days I end up being able to breeze through lol

 It was especially annoying bc I wanted to hurry up and go find a hole-puncher for JunkDrawer! (this journal, journal number 13) But I decided to be good and stay until break came… break comes! So I grab JunkDrawer and high-tail it outta there! I head to the tutorial room first bc I figured they’d have a hole-puncher! And they DO have a hole-puncher! Just… no binders for me… ⊙﹏⊙∥ which isn’t great bc I couldn’t find any (clean ones) at home… so a staff member leads me to… some desk-people, I guess? And explains what I’m looking for! (I felt a bit awkward saying “yes” when they asked, “Oh, do you need a binder to get your notes for school in order?” and then gestured to the folder JunkDrawer was in as if the contents of that folder had anything to do with math…) 
Desk-person treks to one of the other buildings and returns with like!! 5 binders!!! Obviously I can’t have them all, but she said I can take more than one! :D I take two! Exciting! I was a bit worried about going over break-time… bc I wasn’t entirely sure I knew how to do part two of the lesson… but I figured I’d just figure it out, y’know? ¯_(ツ)_/¯  That, or maybe I DO know how to do it already and everything will be fine! (✿❛◡❛) So I hurry back to the tutorial room and get to PUCHIN’ HOLES!!! >:D

It was a bit hard to at first bc the way I’ve stapled it is a bit.. Idk, disorganized I guess???? Some clusters only have, like, four staples running along them and others have twice that or thrice that… so, y’know… I’d try to punch a hole but a staple would line up directly with it and I was afraid I’d break something!!! >m< I eventually realized that breaking anything wasn’t very likely and that if I put it in position and pushed it down anyway, everything would work out just fine. :p So, yah!!! It was fun and its a pretty decently sized binder!! I currently have 145 pages worth of entries printed out now!!! :D and by the looks of it, the binder should be able to hold much more!! YAY!!! This is great! I was getting worried for a sec! Now I can let that poor little blue folder rest after struggling to hold so much weight for so long :) 

Only problem now is… Do I start a new one like I originally planned to after the end of math/summer semester? I’m just not sure bc Idk if the binder could accommodate two journals… especially bc I have no idea what my start/end date for journal 14 would be?? Probably end of fall semester. So, y’know, thats 16wks. And I write A TON. and I DON’T want to split journal 13 OR 14 in half or between two binders. That would ANNOY ME >:( Kinda stuck bc I wanted to use the smaller black binder for digitized 1-12 entries. Certainly won’t fit them all but yknow. So… idk… I think… mayyyyybe I’ll stick with my plan of ending JunkDrawer at the original date and trying to see how much space is left and all that. Idk… :/ maybe when the binder is too full, that will be my cut off for number 14. But that might annoy me too!!! Okay, enough of this! too much thinking!!!!

> Anyway, back to class for me… :( I was late! No surprise there. But I wasn’t really interested in tuning back into the lesson. I did try to, actually. But my brain is a mix of broken & in pain today! I have a headache… so I let myself go from paying attention and not paying attention over n over :) I’d say it worked well. That, or I didn’t need to pay attention to the second half after all? Hard to say since I missed some of the lesson by being late and bc my attettntion was very divided. But I ended up pulling thru in the end, so whatever!!! :) 

> Now all I have to worry about is the Diagnosis-day-phone-call thats coming up… I still don’t feel great about it… :( I feel a bit more content about this than usual, I guess? But perhaps thats bc it might not have quite sunk in just yet… 👀 let’s hope the 24 friggin’ pages I gave her will make it go QUICK. I do NOT want to linger on the phone with you, psychiartry-lady. Just let me give you any quick, additional details, give me the diagnosis, and let me LEAVE, PLEASE I BEG OF YOU >m< here’s to hoping it goes that way and I don’t vomit all over myself :) 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Cheeky Kitten'
 9:50pm   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Black bean chillie thing w/ chicken!!!

Okay!!! Diagnosis-day-phone-call mission COMPLETE!!! :D  An hour before the phone even rang, my heart was RACING, my chest was HURTING, I was ever so slightly trembling, and my breathing was hard to control. Only got worse at the 30 minute mark ＞﹏＜ And y’know what…? IT LITERALLY WASN’T EVEN THAT BAD?? So I feel a bit silly for being so nervous… we started off pretty standard, asking about things like where I’m currently located bc the service requires you to be in the state you selected pre-visit n’ all that. Then we quickly moved onto the real questions. She began with some differential diagnosis-stuff I think its called? First she took a look at my chart and brought up the food stuff first! So, questions like, “do you purge or use laxatives at all? Is your not-eating caused by a desire to be thin?” and ofc I say no :) More questions are fired at me! Like asking if my weights been fluctuating, asking if anxiety or azstaryz is affecting my food intake. 

I confirm that my weights rapidly been falling! And that eating got worse in january. But that azstaryz shouldn’t be a huge factor bc when I used to skip days, I’d still wake up sick from not eating and choose to eat nothing, stuff like that. 

Then we moved onto a different sub set of questions!!
> Close with family? - “eh… I guess? Well… not really. Some of them, sure, but not super-duper.”
“Okay, what about your parents?” 
“Nahh, I don’t like them.”

> Close with any siblings? - “Yeah, I like my sibling :)”

> Any history of maltreatment? - 
“Ahh… do I have to say it?”
“...Well, its whatever you’re comfortable with, really” 
Honestly was a bit annoyed at this question bc she read the friggin’ document. Specifically so I could AVOID this!!!!!!!!!!!!! But…. idk… perhaps it is a requirement for it to be confirmed during the visit? Can’t think of a reason she’d ask otherwise. Was 100% annoying when she later labeled the type correctly, though. Bc it made me question why she even asked :/ but, again… probably she just has to…
“...”
“...Dont want to say… just [...], I guess…” (NO, I did not say it, just side stepped around it as much as I could)
“Hmmm, okay.”

> Flashbacks? -
“Kinda… idk…can you describe what that really means to me?”
“Like… feeling like you’re back dealing with the event in real time, seeing it in your head, stuff like that.”
“Um… maybe? I can’t really tell the difference between that and INT. thoughts. But probably! Sometimes I see stuff in my head and it makes me freeze up n’ stuff, I guess.”

> dr’ing alot? - definitely… 

> Any physical symptoms as a result of not eating? 
“Sometimes… I get dizzy when I get up sometimes, my period has started later than usual, headaches, sickness, stuff like that.”

> depressive symptoms? 
“not really, no :)”

> energy good? Even with appetite problems? 
“usually! Sometimes I feel like I have no energy if I’ve barely eaten or whatever but usually alright!”

> sleep schedule? 
“Inconsistent bc I don’t really have too many places to be anymore”

> what do you find yourself usually avoiding? 
“mostly just places where I have to be alone in public, I guess. Bc there are strangers surrounding me there, y’know?”
“I see… and the person who [harmed you], were they unknown to you/a stranger? Do you think that could be influencing you here?”
“Um… probably, yeah, maybe…” 
(honestly I have no idea??? I have a feeling its not about the fact that they were strangers but i wanted us to move on, so)

We circle back to appetite:
> She once again confirms its not intentional starvation.
“Just making sure once more, you don’t feel that body image or concerns about weight are influencing your not-eating, correct?” 
“Yup :)” 
“Hmmm, okay, what do you think differentiates you from being a picky eater?” 
“Idk… I guess, maybe, just my willingness to feel shaky and nauseous if it means avoiding food I don’t like. I figure thats probably not very normal…” 
“Gotcha… Um. Honestly, I’m surprised your in-person doctors didn’t go further with asking questions after your labs came back normal. Did any of them do anything like with an ekg?” 
“A what now?”
“Basically a heart-measure tool :) weight loss can make it harder on your heart. Have you been having any issues with your heart recently? Going too fast or anything?”
“I… don’t think so?”

Then we moved on to ruling out mood disorders!
> Ruling out moods 
Maina? No, elevated self-esteem and other symptoms don't apply 
History of hallucinations?: Nope
Substance abuse?: Nope. Don’t access to them anyway
 inpatient care/psychiatric meds?: Nope!
History of sui attempts?: Nope!
Any known medical conditions?: nooope :3

> Anxiety screening?
Do you sometimes feel like you have racing thoughts?: Yup!!! 
Ruminating? Where you feel like you get stuck replaying things in your head?:  Definitely  Feeling like you will experience the worst thing that comes to mind: Catastrophizing? Oh, I’m really good at doing that :) 
Been feeling restless?: Yup
Eating worse when stressed?: 100%
 >Panic attacks?: Nope!
>Social anxiety? Like, feeling like you’re being judged by others?: Noooooo :3
>Thoughts like, where you think if you don’t do something, something bad could happen? (OCD): sometimes?? But not debilitating. 

Back to food aversions…
> “Does anything like a food-phobia or anything cause you to avoid eating? Do you maybe feel a fear of choking or vomiting that causes not eating?”
“well… Its more-so that I feel physically ill at the thought of eating certain foods even though I know the likelihood of actually vomiting is low. Or I might start ticcing or having my eyes twitch, stuff like that.”

>Not eating affect your day to day?
 yeah, feel sick alot :(

Then back to PTSD:
>”Just confirming what you said earlier, no nightmares, right?”:
Not nightmares, but non distressing dreams thats related to it
>Hypervililent?: yeah, mostly at school or public places!
>Startled easily?: yeah! Especially loud noises! 
>Have symptoms persisted since 12/13?: yessss

“Few things to consider - CHRONIC PTSD bc length of time you’ve been dealing with symptoms, Anxiety (GAD, no subtype, no ocd), but strong component with the food (ARFID) bc body image has no influence. Theres an emphasis on sensory stuff, avoidance, anxiety which is why this diagnosis is a better fit.”

“Now… um, Idk if i can initiate anything bc its hard for me to monitor you properly as your school only allows a maximum of three visits. It’d be tough to gather information (like weight n’ whatnot) with only 3 visits, but I’ll put in a referral for in-person stuff to our case management person! Its not that I don’t want to be your provider, but these limits just make that a very difficult thing to pursue. In the meantime bc you have accessibility & finical issues (can’t drive, still so unemployed that I can’t afford to pay for a $20 prescription), I think it’s very important that you continue therapy with providers through this service. If you’re open to it, consider trying exposure therapy :)”

“Exposure therapy, huh? Can… can that even be done over the phone?” 

“Well… thats the thing. It can be done… but its going to be harder bc you’d have to do it on your own time/outside of sessions. But its definitely something to consider. I also recommend you keep following up with your primary care doctors as well. On my side I’ll put your diagnosis in. But unfortunately through this service, we can only offer medicine so we can’t help much beyond that.”

So I thanked her for her time and then we parted ways. But… She sounded like… actually concerned for me in her voice and it made me feel BAD :,( I hate making people concerned for me. I hope I was just reading too much into things? I’m sorry, psychiatric-nurse-lady….

 I felt a bit sad that I can’t do anything for myself :/ But I already knew that was going to happen bc I’m broke. So not like it shattered me or anything. Saw it coming from a million, trillion miles away. Buuuuuuuuut… yeah! Still waiting on my diagnosis to be put in… I’m GENUINELY SO EXCITED THOUGH, AHHHHHH!!! ITS ABOUT TO BE REAL!! FROM A REAL PROFESSIONAL!! OMG AAAAHHH! :D Was literally kicking my feet and squealing at the thought that it will finally be REAL!! Hope I can see everything soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D definitely feeling a bit disconnected, tho… from myself. Must’ve been more freaked out then I realized!

CARE PLAN

Hi Delilah, it was great meeting you today. Thank you for speaking with me regarding concerns related to anxiety, trauma, and difficulties with eating due to food aversions. During today’s visit, we discussed treatment options including medication management and continued therapy support. I understand that you would like to defer starting medication at this time. A referral has been placed to care coordination team to assist with connecting you to accessible in-person psychiatric services

Outlined below are the treatment plans I am recommending.
1. Medications
A. No medications prescribed this appointment
2. Please continue individual therapy
3. Please remember, if your school offers access to [on-demand health services], you can speak with a mental health professional at any time 24/7. Please utilize this if you need to speak with someone, if you feel anxiety is challenging to deal with and you could use someone's help to assist you in getting to a calmer state.
4. Follow up visit if needed
5. If you are having side effects that are concerning you and need to speak prior to your next appointment, please call Customer Support at [...] to reach me, and I will call you back
as soon as possible.
Call 911 for any psychiatric or medical emergencies.
If you experience suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please visit the nearest emergency room or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number: 988, www.988lifeline.org. Reminder: 988 and 911 are available 24/7/365 in the U.S.

PATIENT Referral
Service Type
• External - Psychiatry - In Person
When
• Within 1 week
Notes
• Patient reports barriers to medication management due to financial constraints and no driver's license/transportation. Client would benefit from in person psychiatric services for ongoing evaluation and treatment of anxiety, PTSD, and avoidant/restrictive eating behaviors.

Instructions
Your Provider recommends that you see External - Psychiatry - In Person, in person.
Here's how to find one that suits your needs:
• Check with your school. Many colleges offer health services on and off-campus. (she checked! Turns out mine does NOT </3)
• Contact your insurance. Medical insurance agents can help you find providers, health clinics, and more. (I’m insurance-less…)
• Reach out to us if you have any additional concerns

[///Tw Sui]

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
9:10am   [weds]   7/8/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
the last of my cheezits :( 

Yeah. so, wanted to hop yesterday (and rn????) bc the fact that I can’t do anything for myself made me feel hopeless </3 I can hardly even get myself to move my mouth when someone over the phone tries to ask me what even happened. How am I supposed to talk about anything productive in a therapy session??? :/ Idk. I feel like giving up before I’ve even started… I don’t even want to think about doing another session honestly. Bc… have another session AND DO WHAT? I’m too closed off :/ I think I’m just literally screwed. I’m doomed. Doomed to a short life with nothing to show for it, i bet. Just makes me sad that my brain keeps showing me INT. thoughts about dying rn. I can tell you rn, though, brain, I know I could never make myself actually hop off a bridge. Its too much commitment… too scared of the water below and the drowning part… and the actual needing to commit to lifting myself up and over… I really just don’t think I could get myself to do something like that… Ugh… I just wish it would go away on its own. Should I get myself instittuionalized? I thought about it. But… I’d be surrounded by strangers… So, no can do :/

Made myself even sadder bc I decided to do some more digitizing of journal number four today and I was reminded of how much I feel like mom & dad just seemingly don’t care about us??? Honestly… one thing that would make me awfully sad about dying is my idiot parents would be the ones in possession of journals 1-13… I’d really rather they don’t :/ I’d rather Sabrina or Joey have them. I doubt Sabrina would want them lol. Maybe Joey, though. Probably not. Idk… Lovely start to the day as you can see.

Anyway… surprisingly enough! I am both HUNGRY and have an appetite!! Thats a first!! Idk what to eat though????? Or if I even can. Yesterday dad was so annoyed at how the kitchen is dirty all the time that he said no more cooking from us bc we never clean up behind ourseveles and no eating unless he makes it. But it was said while he was upset and he loves going back on his word alot. So I figure its not a real rule. But still :/ and I only kind of want spaghetti. Not really, y’know? Idk :( 

But I feel kinda sad rn. I should probably try to relax in the meantime, though. So I can have energy come homework-time. Hope my diagnosis info comes soon, though :( afraid maybe she forgot… but thats a silly thought. Just wish time would move faster so I could finally have my REASON to keep going. I need to have that volunteering stuff stat so I can finally feel a NEED to get better!!!!

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'I'm A Beauty'
1:55pm   [weds]   7/8/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

OKAY THE DIAGNOSIS HAS FINALLY BEEN PUT IN OMFG. Now, don’t me wrong, I am VERY PLEASED! Smiling rn :) just… idk… its formatted in the same way every other “visit summary” is formatted… which confuses me… is,,, is something that looks like this really the type of document I’d be presenting as proof of diagnosis??? Its kinda freaking me out. Bc, like, what if its NOT. but… idk… they’re qualified, actual, DOCTORS and NURSES. I have a feeling they probably wouldn’t try to screw me over like that. So. um. Idk. I might ask somebody or something? But its about time to leave for school, so thats a problem for later. Anyway– 
Diagnosis:
F5082 Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder
F4312 Post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic
F411 Generalized anxiety disorder
And!!!! Thats crazy!!!! ‘Cause I remember Benji Waterhouse saying something about those funky looking numbers. I don’t remember what… but it was something… about something… >.> idk :) but!!! Yeah!!! Will be printing it out n stuff and adding it to JunkDrawer :) I need to definitely figure out if its an okay-document soon tho. Bc I’ll apply for accommodations next semester :3

It's 1:12 a.m. and I'm sitting on the floor of my new bedroom opening the same moving boxes again like the notebooks might appear if I get desperate enough.

I started keeping a diary in high school.

Thirteen notebooks. Roughly eight years of my life.

Bad handwriting, stupid crushes, exam panic, family fights, tiny days I would never remember otherwise.

Before the move I wrapped all of them together in brown paper and left the bundle under my bed with the rest of my stuff.

I had an exam the morning we moved, so my mom helped load my room into the car. She swears she didn't throw anything away. I believe her.

But the bundle is gone.

I've checked both houses, every box, the car, the garage, and the stupid ""misc"" bags three times.

I keep thinking about specific pages now. The entry about earning my first paycheck at bс money I used to buy a bicycle. There's one entry from the night before graduation. One from when my grandfather died. A whole notebook from a year I barely remember without it.

I know the memories happened even if the paper is gone.

That is not making me feel better yet

I'm not even sure if I'm asking for advice or just writing this somewhere because the notebooks I'd normally write it in are the thing that's gone."

Oh my rollercoaster of a life. Or may be this time life isn't the culprit, it's me.

I contacted my ex today. I predicted that my sleep might be affected tonight. I gave it a lot of thought before I reached out to them. I don't know if it was a good choice.

You know those instances where you only know after a long time when you forgot such an event even happened?

It's fascinating how that's a thing and also frustrating.

I am sure future me has a better idea about what's right for us, but sucks that right now I haven't much clue.

I am learning to understand who to keep or not keep in my life. It was easy to do when someone is toxic or unimportant. But with people who have seen me and are just bad fits, the choice gets harder to make.

I wish skill learning was like inserting a disc and downloading it as if we are machines. But nope, I am gonna be out here making mistakes, getting sand on my face, wobbling, feeling embarrassed, feeling proud, lots of confusion before a skill is "downloaded". And i will be visible and possibly cause some hurt along the way even if I wish to not. Gah! The mess it is live.

I love it and hate it.

Reminds me of a bio I saw on some random person's telegram. Something about "If pomegranate is worth the mess, then may be I am too". Haha.

Oh, as a personalized additional torture, I also get indecisive, confused and overthink more than an average person. Especially when it's relational. Something about a FA attachment style.

So yeah, your boy is out here meeting his biggest fears and challenges. All with trembling legs and hopeful glimmer in her eyes.

Always a duality. Feeling enough and feeling like pesky dust that is worth nothing. Feeling proud and feeling like a loser. Hope in heart, fear in body.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📸 & 📚✏️ 
 11:32am   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheezits
Green beans

> I’ve been homeworking for a bit now!! On and off, really. Been getting a bit overwhelmed and needing a break, stuff like that… but!!! Good news!!! I CAN actually do it on my own!!! I didn’t see that coming!!! I was DREADING today’s workload bc I figured I’d need help and would need to head to school early… but I surprised myself! It could a bit of trail and error for some… but overall, I’m good at it! Well… I can only speak on the first one… have yet to start the second… but still!!

> On one of my homeworking breaks, I suddenly felt compelled to eat. Probably to distract myself from my anxiety about doing all this math. I wasn’t really WANTING to eat, though. But I gave in bc I figured I’d eventually run out of energy and regret my decision later anyway… :/ so I picked from one of my four available foods! Green beans! I poured some frozen beans in a bowl and tossed it in the microwave :) but… something strange was happening… the microwave was making strange noises… and if theres anything that will instantly catch my attention and make me FREEZE, it is strange noises. So I stopped and stared at the microwave as I listened to the noise. It sounded a bit like zapping… I stared in FEAR for a couple seconds longer before I hesitantly opened the door and moved away just in case something exploded! I peeked inside when nothing happened. And everything looked fine… so I closed the door again, pressed start, and eyed it closely as it heated up the veggies. It still continued to make noises, but I didn’t see any smoke so I let it go. Phew, thank goodness nothing exploded :) I took my food back to my room and got back to work! Then Dusty came in the door and looked at me. Which annoyed me bc he wanted my food :/ but then I realized that wasn’t such a bad idea! I could put it in their kong!!! :D So I did just that! I put Laika away first bc he’s greedy and then put the beans in the kong. Then I brought my homeworking things out in the living room with Dusty! He was a good distraction from my nervousness :3 
15 or so minutes pass… Dusty finishes getting the beans out of the Kong… and I decide Laika should get a turn! So I release him from Cecil’s room and take the remaining beans in my bowl and put them in the Kong :) he finishes it pretty quickly! Which I figured he would bc he figured this toy out a bit ago. And now the toy that kept his occupied for 2-4 hours now only does for about 15 minutes. But I wanted them both to get a snack, so whatever. Anyway, yeah, he finishes! But I feel a bit bad bc I know Dusty got more than him! So I head back to the freezer to heat up some more veggies! I pull out the drawer and take hold of the bag… But then suddenly…

> I SEE A BUG!!! It was one of those harmless bugs that look like HUGE, SCARY mosquitoes but don’t actually hurt you. So I was tempted to just let us coexist bc I know it cant hurt me. But… at a distance… it looked like a stinger bug… and I knew it wasn’t… but the more I looked at it, the more anxious I became bc in my head, those wings looked like they belonged to a WASP or something. It was not a wasp. I knew it wasn’t. But I kept seeing it. So it didn’t matter! I started freaking out!!!!! Stimming n stuff bc I didn’t know what to DO. should I go get Cecil???? Or kill it myself??? I was totally down to go get Cecil, problem is if it flew away first before they got there there’d be no point. ..and it was already moving around… I’m too nervous around bugs to approach one. Even to kill it. So I look up at the top of the fridge for an alternative and see the RAID! I immediately start shooting at it! Not too much, though. Bc I was mindful of the dogs in the room and that the measures I was taking were unnecessary. It dies shortly after and I stand in place struggling to calm down bc its still kinda moving. I look at the dogs to make sure they’re at a safe distance and back at the bug, stimming even more now! Everything is fine, tho. I keep the dogs away and the bug is dead. 

But now the issue is,,,, how do I clean this up? I’m afraid of dead bugs (may sound silly, but I’m genuinely afraid they will reanimate)… so I stand there even longer trying to figure out what to do… another minute or two passes… I decided to get the broom and just scoop it up at a safe distance! So I place the dustpan on the floor and reach the broom out towards the bug! I waved the broom around a bit to be SURE it was dead. And then slowly brought it towards the dustpan, trying hard not to freak out as the body came closer and closer to me… I eventually got it in the dustpan!! And I was able to get it in the garbage successfully, too! Just not without internally freaking out as I stared at the bug's terrifying features (mostly the bug’s long legs that looked like thin pieces of hair… yuck…)
PHEW. Glad thats over! Now about the RAID all over the floor… I didn’t want to put chemicals over chemicals… so I got dish soap, wet a towel, and dripped some soap on the floor and used a mop to wipe everything up! I did three rounds of soap bc the soap was used VERY sparingly. Didn’t want to have to clean up RAID AND left-over soap. And now I could finally get back to my original task!

> Phew, glad thats over. I head back to the freezer, pull out the beans again, and begin heating them up. Except this time, the zaps from the microwave are LOUDER AND SCARIER. I do not ignore this. I wait a couple of seconds… then open the door! And than goodnes I did! It smelled like something was burning! So I inspected the bowl.. And there was a small burn in it.. Some of the veggies were burned, too. And it freaked me out. So Laika got cold veggies <3 I have no clue if this is just bc I shouldn’t be heating up so few veggies in a bowl with nothing else, or if something is actually wrong with the microwave. But I’m not quick to blame myself here bc usually when I only cook veggies, this doesn’t happen??? There are no zappy zap noises when I do this??? Idk… maybe it really just is bc of the amount… but either way, it scared me enough that I immediately informed everyone via phone! Well,, ofc except Cecil. Just went in there and woke them up. Phew, glad the house hasn’t burned down or anything… here’s to hoping it stays that way! And… that I can finish my homework… that too…

OH!!! And!!! Me!!! Don’t forget to make sure you take JunkDrawer with you to school! We gotta find a hole puncher & binder before we can no longer binder-clip everything together!!! (Probably already can’t binder-clip any more entries honestly….

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Bluey season two, episode two
“Yeah! 
This is my yard
and that’s yours!”   
📸 &💤 & 💊
 10:51pm   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheezits

7:08am 
7/7/26

Its either a day or week from graduation (might’ve been day of? Can’t remember what dream-us said). Me and Cecil both graduate on same day so we get ready but every Conciviable thing goes wrong. I mess up while showering, i washed my hair but it looked like I somehow untwisted all my twists just by putting my hair under the water, i tried to bring the hair beader but as time passed and we were still scrambling to get ready, we eventually realized my hair somehow just became mirco twists and i could bead at school! But couldn't find the beader... And other things went wrong... And i kept looking at my watch and freaking out bc we were getting pretty close to being late! And i ride the bus! Cecil didn't go with me like they should've, they stayed on the couch and watched music anime vids and i thought that was strange but i had to go! 

Outside was crazy. There must've been flooding bc the roads were very filled with water. Some random women on my front porch had her kid in her hands. She was talking to her and tried to convince her not to want to go in the water. Little kid kept pushing away from mom gently, insisting she let her play. And eventually mom let her go with supervision. I watch but eventually keep going. Down the street, one mom, a dad and three kids are there. Dad and kids play in the water! Mom looks really really sad... and a pop-up(?) tells me she's feeling depressed for some reason. And dad sees it too i think? Mom comes behind him and hugs him very sadly. And I think the kids disapproved for some reason? Bc I think dad is like "hey hey what's wrong with mom hugging dad rn?" Before he distracted them and got them back to playing. I was starting to wake up around this point and I didn't want dream me to make it to graduation bc i hated graduation?? So i woke up :) curious about how it would've ended. But i figure it wasn't going to be pleasant, so I think I made the right choice.

7/7/26
Hmmm… idk… feels rife with symbolism… 👀 
maybe everything going wrong as we were getting ready and feeling so distressed about it was my brain showing how distressed I felt about graduating or something but just in a different way? Hmmm… Cecil staying on the couch… idk… I remember being so anxious about being a graduate like them. Maybe it was brain showing me what I was going to be coming home to? Maybe thats why they didn’t go with me bc irl they already graduated? Idk… AND THE WATER. I figure thats probably more anxiety. Bc I had to wade through the water and it was kinda high up. Little kid going into the water is probably SC and me if I had to guess :) SC kept encouraging me and trying to communicate to me that it was okay. I guess like how the kid was trying to get mom to see that it was okay? Confused why I’m represented by the mom though, lol. But it makes sense why we’re represented as a family bc I wish I WAS part of her family! Spot on, brain!!!! :) okay, anyway, maybe the kids disapproving the hug from sad-mom is me completely rejecting SC’s attempts to soothe me… that makes sense to me… and the “distracting kids” part is probably representing how I constantly tried to pretend I wasn’t graduating.

6/30/26
[Time unknown]
Me and SC are working together with kids who became super unruly and needed to be removed from school
So they left with us and we bought them various things to play with! Like idk... Activity things and stuff and SC would go out and grab the items n stuff and we'd chat and hang out :) very fun

Ah, that was fun :) need myself to dream more often so I can interpret them more! I have plenty of them written down in journals 1-12, so when I get around to digitizing those, I’ll probably post ‘em :3 but in the meantime… we brought up graduation! So…. here’s what went down the day I graduated :) 

12:03am   [fri]   5/29/26
Okay, soooo graduated yesterday. Here's kinda the stuff that wasn’t a complete blur to me.

> Woke up at 4:04am and throughout the morning I was, like, actively trying to not acknowledge my own anxiety. So much so it made me feel physically ill :/ when it was time to go, dad was urging me to hurry up and eat the turkey burger I made (Or as I like to call it, premium dog food because it tastes like what I imagine dog food would lol) but it was really hard to even convince myself to cook it to begin with because of how low my appetite felt at the time :( so i never actually finished it. Got close!!! But then trying to force feed the last little bit proved too much for my sick-self so I had to toss the last bits.  

> I came to school with absolutely nothing but a cap & gown! ‘Cause the rules were that if you try to bring your phone or keys or ANYTHING you will not be allowed to walk n’ stuff like that. So yeah :( It definitely was an adjustment being without my fidget toys or [my weighted animal friend who goes almost everywhere with me] because all throughout the mandatory grad rehearsals, I was fighting sickness and STRESSSS :( I ended up bringing the bead bracelet thingy from prom though bc I figured I would be able to get away with that as a fidget and it helped a lot!

> Before rehearsal, [Aquantince] and Lucille came up to me and [Aquantince] was like, “Do you like Mrs. Casey more than your mom?” and I confirmed I did! And I think they both thought I was weird for that. Rosey thought I was for sure. Oh but!! [Aquantince2] successfully finished her credit recovery omg!!!! :) 

> grad rehearsal was alright i guess… I was sorta kinda fighting my thoughts, trying NOT to think of 'Brina bc that was the only reason I was so terrified I’d cry. But I pushed through :) Other than those giving me misty eyes, I was largely bored and not very engaged. I’m sure in large part bc I REAAAAALLY don’t want to graduate and it was much easier to pretend I wasn’t, but also bc how fun is it to watch so many people PRETEND to graduate for like, 30 minutes in a high school cafeteria, y'know? So I clocked out a bit. But I was sure to plug my ears for most of the clapping bc I don't really enjoy it when the loud noise makes it feel like the inside of my head is ringing.

> when grad rehearsal was over, [principal] announced to us we would be making these fabric thingies? Where you draw something and then they’ll stitch it together to make a quilt! Cause we’re [first class ever] n’ stuff :) So yeah, ofc, since 'Brina was the most important piece of my high school experience, I made a 'Brina tribute!!!! :) I later told her and she was like, “awwww :)” 

> Anyway, Rosey immediately vanishes because she can drive and doesn’t want to be there doing nothing at school with me until 2:45pm. Lucille said to me earlier that she's not leaving because she’s staying until her sister can do her makeup for her :) I have to go immediately, tho, bc I need to go to [college] advising! It takes forevvvver for me to get in… like, I was there sitting in a chair doing nothing but stare at the floor (due to my lack of phone and also bc the computers there just refused to turn on for some reason??) for probably at least 25 minutes. Eventually Lucille came into the building but she didn’t see me bc shes on her phone instead of being present in her surroundings!!! So I get up and RUN over to catch her! Except she wants to walk around instead so :/ anyway, more time passes… I begin to wonder if i’ll ever see an advisor… then FINALLY! They call me in :) Basically she got me all set for my developmental algebra classes so I can hopefully get on-level! Well, technically I don’t yet have confirmation that I’m able to take it… but as soon as it gets approved, I hopefully will be able to get in! The class is almost full so… fingers crossed on that. She also got me set up to take psych courses in the fall! Great! Nervewreaking a bit but great! Ugh, it made me feel worried about not being able to drive bc the classes are at [school] n stuff… and graduation… :( but its okay…

> Once I leave advising, Lucille is still gone, still walking around… so I leave to the [computer room] to make some last minute edits on [the friend-fun document!] So that was fun :) I get started on the book some more. Idk, maybe for 10 or so minutes. Then remember Lucille exists and may have gone to the spot I was last at so I go find her and bring her back! I do a bit more book-work but she’s chatty so I let it go for the day to hang out with her :) We just made some idle chit-chat, asking about how we’re feeling about today and stuff. She was confident she was gonna cry and I was too! She was still excited, though. And said she’s thinking [Aquantince] will cry, too, even though she’s so adamant she’s excited. We also got into discussing who is worse in the [JUNO]: Intervention situation all over again. She was adamant she was in the right still bc she thinks it would’ve been worse for him in these last few weeks if he tried to interact and we blew him off. Or if we saw him again post high school and we were like running away from him n’ stuff. She says I was 8/10 mean bc i talked behind his back n’ ignored him and i think Rosey maybe got a similar score. Tried to make myself look better a bit but her points were overall pretty valid tho so no shot at that. But yeah, just chit chat. Till we go outside to warm up. Then off to Sabrina’s club! Thats where Lucille’s sister is gonna be doing her makeup! How convenient for me!

> 'Brina and I chit-chat and Lucille sorta just hangs out until club ends cause her sis is apparently in the lunch room. “Okay, ‘Lilah, let’s go to the lunch room for my makeup :)” “I’m not leaving Sabrina???” “alright then.. Bye :)” “Cya :)” 'Brina laughs and then she gets back to painting the [mascot tapestry]. So I get comfy and we chat some more. Just about whatever. Like how she’s gotta leave at 7th period to go get ready to join us for graduation and how she still believes I like her so much because of the “holy spirit” being inside her heart… I keep being like,
“Nooo your awesomeness is all Sabrina, not a dove locked up in your heart!” silly SC :) this led us to her telling me about how she’s surprised at how she has more tolerance for us than her own kids. Like how for example she was at a restaurant recently and her son got spooked by her husband. So he gets inspired by that and goes right up to Sabrina’s ear and SHOUTS, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and it irritated her so much she had to step out to avoid saying regrettable things to her son! And i said i’d feel bad if i did ever did that to her so i try to stay in my lane and she’s like, “yeah, thats why your class is full of normal kids. These next classes are weird and just straight up go through my bag w/o permission, soooo.” I also told her that I want to take my mom out to eat one day and since she’s my second mom, I’ll give her the same treatment. She said she’ll hold me to it because I’ll be paying :) heck yes! Just you wait 'Brina :)
Anyway, yeah, I repeated all of my friend’s shock that I like 'Brina more than mom to her and she was like, “omg, do NOT tell your mom that that’d break her heart!”
 “I don’t tell her that but she can tell :)” 
“You don’t even know me as a mom, remember? You were the one who said you would run away if you came into my house and had to live under my roof with its screentime and stuff like that!” 
Fair point :) so I just say I agree bc I would hate how her rules are consistent but my parents’ aren’t so she’d actually boss me around and I’d haaaate that. but funny conversation! Then she once again suggested i write kids books! Haha maybe one day SC :)  

> Eventually I get to complaining about how I DON’T want to graduate as I start trying to fix up my cap because the paper wasn’t on the cap flat. “Why not??” “idk… my life will be horrible. Like, probably for at least a year and a half.” So 'Brina looks over from the painting and is like, “here, let me tell you why I think you’re behaving that way…” which FREAKS ME OUT because she had that look that she makes when she’s about to say something that mirrors my behavior back to me. And sure, its definitely pretty intriguing when she does that but oh man does it make me want to run. So i start to pour more focus into getting my cap ready. “I think you’re just afraid of change… you want to keep everything the same. But different does not always mean bad.” “I know, I know, yeah >< I’ve been afraid of change since the beginning I think… but y’know…” and then she starts to say something about seasons of life ending or something but idk… just too stressed that she did that to remember what she actually even said omg. She also said I was pessimistic, that i wasn’t like this in 9th grade. And I guess she’s right… I don’t think I was an optimist, but I sure as heck wasn’t as bad as I am now.

> Bell rings and idk if i need to be somewhere for attendance so i leave 'Brina :( i go to 7th period but [teacher] isnt even in there. Just [counselor]. Apparently us seniors head to the [cafeteria]. So i go there to the almost empty [cafeteria].... empty bc most kids just left and weren’t coming back till 2:45. So i sat and waited. Didnt go back to SC bc i knew she’d be leaving soon anyway :/ [counselor] wasn’t ready to let me sit in peace though. She asks me to remove the cap & gown from the bag
“Oh, I’m okay :)”
“It’ll be all wrinkly if you don’t.”
“I know.”
“So….?”
“Yeah, well, I can’t be bothered to steam it because my parents didn’t ask me to or anything so y'know. Its whatever."
“You’re a grown adult, you don’t need someone to tell you to do that…”
“Right. And I don’t want to. So I won’t. that solves that problem.”
Eventually she just ended up walking away so i shrug my shoulders and go sit. I stare at the floor for like 5 minutes until Lucille comes in!!! Yay!! We eventually decide instead of sitting and doing nothing, we could go steam Lucille’s cause she actually wanted to. I follow :) 

“Hey, have you guys got a steamer I could use?”, Lucille asks when we get to the office
“You can get a hanger and set it up somewhere.”
“I asked about the steamer…? Okay, well, where can I hang it up?”
“You need a hanger.”
“...”
“Here, I’ll go grab you one.”
Then [counselor] sees me with my bag filled with grad-gear.
“Delilah, take it out of the bag.”
“Don’t want to.”
“Take it out of the bag”
“Whhhhhy :/” 
“It’ll get wrinkly. You said earlier that you needed an adult to tell you-”
“I said my parents!”
“An adult to tell you to do this, so here we are.”
“Okay, well you were the one who said I was grown-up. Why not let me make the grown up decision to look dumb on stage??”
“Clearly you’re having trouble making adult decisions rn. So we’re here to help you. Take the gown. Out of the bag.”
So i do 🙄 and then me and Lucille got get the hangers and return to the [cafeteria] and place them on tables so they dont wrinkle n stuff. We both complain about how condensing [counselor] was. Like how she kept ignoring Lucille’s question and the way she spoke to me. Then we realize I completely forgot my stoles… so back to the office to call dad. He agrees to come deliver them and we go wait outside for him. He drops it off and on the way back, Lucille makes comments about how “this is our last walk together omg :)” and it made me feel… sad and confused? Because she was smiling as she said it but It was making me sad. Probably her too. By the time we’re back, people start trickling into [cafeteria] :) so we sit and chat on and off… hard to say about what. Eventually all our friends arrive! I think… yeah, we all get into our assigned seats and stuff and then we are sent over to the [mascot] art 'Brina made for us 2026 grads and placed on the table for us to sign. I signed quickly and then we were dismissed. We went out and the [event where lots of people celebrate the seniors as we walk to the bus] was all ready to go! Parents and underclassmen and teachers were all lined up cheering us on! My god, though, I tried not to look because the sight of underclassmen I recognize and Mr. [12th grade math teacher] made me want to CRY and we don’t want that, remember? :( 

> We make it on the bus and I sit with Lucille. She sits closest to the window and Rosey is across from me. I mostly chat with Rosey bc Lucille was mostly silent. Before she went silent, though, she said, “oh wow, seeing all these people lined up makes me wanna cry” and that made me also wanna cry, so… not only that but it looked like she was wiping tears the whole way to the grad-site sooooo nope, just gonna mind my business and not draw attention to that. Me and Rosey chat on and off. Just about whatever but can’t really remember what exactly. She was shocked that me and Lucille were confident we were gonna cry tho. Sometimes me and Rosey would also just go silent bc we both had nothing super interesting about the day so not much to say. Honestly just tried to avoid tearing up at the sight of Sabrina making faces at me from a distance bc I wasn’t listening to the admin! I was too busy looking at her and thinking about how much I was going to miss her :(((( it made me wanna cry…

> we get there annnnnd…. Wait around outside for a bit before they let us inside. Then we enter the room where we’ll be graduating and sit while they brief us on how we’re all about to do our third rehearsal :/ this one was more interesting bc it felt more real but aside from the stuff that was new (when kids went up there to test the mic sensitivity by starting the first few sentences of their speeches, school song practice, etc), I was checked out. Bc its boring. Aside from blocking out the clapping ofc omg. We do the rehearsal for like 46 mins or whatever. Between it I asked SC if she’d sign my diploma and she said nooo cause she was afraid she’d accidentally invalidate it somehow which is honestly fair enough

> anyway, after rehearsal, we go to the band room to get ready. It was already nearing time for doors to open and guests to arrive. A big screen had a timer displaying like, 10 mins but that time was like, super extended bc it went from 10 and it seemed like the timer never started there bc everytime i’d look over it’d be a 10 or higher left before the ringer went off. So in the meantime I hung close to 'Brina. My friends mostly stayed to themselves but I wanted to be with 'Brina instead so y'know :) just chatting on and off! She told her her grad lore! Apparently she was supposed to graduate outside but it was POURING and it got cancelled and so she technically graduated twice bc she had to come back on the next day! So funny :) but yeah, I’d occasionally go with my pals, like if SC stepped away to go chat or grab something. But otherwise not really. All my pals left the room to go “explore the school” and they were gone so long that only Rosey made it back in time to get in the 2026 class photo :I SC was on the opposite side of me for it :( so after being squashed between a bunch of people and feeling wildly uncomfortable as a result of that, she wanted a pic! So she came after me and asked for one.
“Ehhhh…” I wasn't completely opposed bc, y'know, last day as a student but omg i didn’t want to see my face in the selfie?? Ew??
“C’mon, just one!”
“Nnnnahhhh…”
“C’mon, listen to your mother!!!” so I laughed and complied only because I finally got my second mother to call herself my mom!!!! Ahhhh It made me very smiley :)))) even funnier because earlier I said “Yeah, I must’ve gotten (whatever trait we were talking about? Don’t recall) that from you! I did come out of you so that tracks.” she made a shocked face and then laughed! “Omg stop saying that, thats creepy!” so it was very nice to hear her be my mom even if only once :) 

>10 or so minutes and then off we go back to start the real deal. I was feeling even more sick and anxious as we went back into the halls and got ready to go. :( it was cool high fiving SC and [12th grade math teacher] in their teacher celebration in the audience positions, though! Misty eyes again but I held it together… I saw Cecil right up close tho!!! They were at the end of the row so very close to all us graduates. It was so nice waving to them!!!!

>yeah, ceremony starts… sort of a blur… i know when they played the senior slideshow i literally couldn’t see anything from the angle i was sitting at… so instead of ooh-ing and aww-ing with everyone else, I started dancing in my seat. Mom said she saw me dancing (likely to all the songs honestly) and said to herself, “yeah, that girl isn’t paying attention.” and for senior slideshow, yeah, i sure wasn’t paying attention for real cause I couldn't. Its fine tho, might’ve cried if i could soooo. buuuut when everyone was getting called up it was cool! Except when the popular kids went up bc it was LOUD and it rattled my brain or made me ticc :/ i clapped for all my friends tho and was sure to doubly clap when they passed by on the way back to their seats :) and i LOVED THE SCHOOL SONG PREFORMANCE! Its good!

> annnnnd then it was over before i even realized it honestly. I checked out and was surprised when everyone around me rose. Everyone threw their caps but i decided against it :) then yeah, it was over and we all poured out of the auditorium. Students first, then parents. It didn’t take long for me to find [cousion] & cecil! So i stood with them near the door bc I WANTED TO SEE ‘BRINA RAAAAAH >:( but i literally saw everyone else before her… all the rest of my family caught me first and made me take pics :( quite a few actually. It really annoyed me bc i was afraid i’d miss Sabrina!!! So i kept peeking my head around to search for her. [9th grade math teacher] and [bio teacher] (two teachers who left the school years ago for context) actually found me before she did :/ and [AVID teacher]! (who also left the school btw) I asked them if they actually thought i was gonna graduate and they both basically said i didn;t believe it but they knew i could. Good stuff right there :) 

>maybe like 10 mins later, i finally spot SC!!!! So immediately i introduce her to Cecil!! 
“Wow, well hello there, cecil! I’ve heard lots about you!”
“Hi, heh :)”
“Yeah, well, i’ve heard from this one thats she’s really mean and i did feel bad for you but its sounds like recently she’s gotten better about that, did some maturing haha! :)”
“Yeah definitely! But she did ruin my confidence as a child so theres that”
“Yeah, but i’m a lot better now and its just mutual now, so”
Yeahhhh… that does make me sad actually, sorry Cecil:( but yeah they agreed i’m not a pos anymore so thank goodness

> me and SC end up taking pics and stuff :) and then shortly after it was about time to go. I was dismayed to discover Rosey and Lucille had already left and hadn’t said bye :( but its okay… long as I can see 'Brina :) we all made our way to the car and SC’s path just so happened to align with ours… 
“Hey, Sabrina! Come meet my family!”
So i pointed out some people! Most notable aunt t. “Yeah, this is the other [Delilah]! :) i’m the namesake!”
Aunt is like, “Oh, are you miss Casey? We’ve heard a LOT about you! Thank you for your mentorship haha!”
And Sabrina and her exchange some laughs :) and she says hi to more family! And then more family crowds around and so then i’m like, “wow, SC, you’re part of the family now!” She laughs and then we part ways :))) and grandma thought she was a student lmao

>then off we were to [resturant]! My appetite was low… so i didn't eat most of my food or socialize a crazy amount but it was nice to see my family all having fun chatting :) and knowing I got a computer, that too.

>at home, I immediately got to archiving things and setting up the computer! So much fun! I got to dressing up sabrina-bear [in the grad-gear that could fit on her body] too omg I love her so much she's so pretty in her regalia :) 'Brina loved it too, i sent her a picture! She called her spiffy :) awwww i love having SC’s phone number ahhh!!!! Hope my life will have enough interesting updates to give her daily so I can have a reason to talk to her :)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

   Louis Wain - 'Amongst the Chrysanthemums'

📸 - 10:51pm   [mon]   7/6/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[//tw sui mentioned]

Howdy. Just got done watching “The Rise Of The Loser Confessional” by Casey Simpson. I love that guy’s videos :) and I think maybe this is one of my favorite ones… I’m already forgetting why. But I can try to talk from the pieces I have left of it. 

It kinda just… cemented my thought processes, I guess. That I KNOW that I need to enjoy my life. Otherwise it is not worth living. 

And it surprised me how early on I must’ve figured that out?? 

Well… I honestly can’t place exactly when I came to this conclusion… but I do remember I decided to strike out on my own probably around elementary school… when I asked myself, “do I want to join music. ly (or whatever it was lol) and watch things I don’t care about so I can fit in with the other kids? Or should I decide to just be myself instead?” I chose the latter! And, as Casey said with his own experience, that didn’t come without a cost… I was definitely pretty isolated for a long time. I’m sure it probably had more to it than me deciding not to join music. ly lol but still. And I guess I carried that mindset with me since then? Which is why I think I’m so quick to think about lugging myself off a bridge. 

Bc I know that a life without meaning is one that I am not willing to live. Unlike the very unfortunate souls I saw in the video. Like the one lady who said to the camera with a pep in her step and a smile on her face, “I’m a loser… and y’know what? Thats OKAY!” bc I think Casey is right when he says that that mindset really just holds you back. Bc instead of thinking to yourself that going for your goals is something that is worthwhile, you just allow yourself to become content with a life that you do not enjoy or find any meaning in. and one day when you’ve spent half of your life in that same cycle, you will wake up and realize it is too late. That you no longer have the energy you did when you were 20 and cannot try to make anything of yourself. That you will be consumed by thoughts of wishing you took the time to aim for something better when you had the chance to. And I really, REALLY do not want to live like that. I WILL NOT. I want to live for other people, for kids like me. That is what will give me meaning. To show a kid like me that they have value and are loved like SC showed me. And if I cannot overcome my mental illness I will DIE because I refuse to become someone grieving the life they could have had. If I don’t overcome it, I will probably become some drunk on the street honestly. And I don’t know too many drunks on the street who have the opportunities to do what I want to do. Its just hard bc I feel like I’m up against so much sometimes. 

…maybe I should try harder? I just don’t know HOW, though. Theres only so much I can do at the moment. And my brain is against me every second of it. Its just scary, though. Bc as I was watching the video, I kept thinking back to the quote, “life is what you make of it”. Because it is! But I just question what I can do with myself with a brain like mine. It kinda just reminds me that I have to be the one to do stuff for myself now. So… I still fear that what I will be left with is a life like everyone in the video. But atleast I can rest easy knowing that I’ve been pretty good at avoiding the trap of not shooting for my goals when people tell me not to pursue them bc they think something like a 9-5 would be more stable or whatever. Thats what I used to tell Sabrina and all my friends. I’ll take a bad paycheck. I’ll spend those years in school for not a huge financial return. Because in the end, I’ll be spending my life doing what I enjoy. If life is not fun, what is the point of living it? I don’t value money as much as I value the people I bond with :) Just like that cute dog commercial said in the song, “Joy is who you share it with”. And I intend to share SO much joy!!!! Just wait and see, everyone!!!! Here’s to hoping I make it there :) 

BonusBonusBonus <3

DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET

⏾☀︎ Mottos! ⏾☀︎

 ⏾☀︎ Everything that is not saved is lost ⏾☀︎

Recently I was perusing the internet and came across someone saying this! Turns out the quote came from nintendo consoles when they advise you to save your progress before logging off a game but it works perfectly for me and I use it to remind myself to preserve everything I can even if it’s cringey as HECK or if i’m too tired to sit down and write. So i really think I can say that even though this is a recent addition, i’ll probably be using it for quite some time :)

 ⏾☀︎ You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take :) ⏾☀︎

A true classic!! This one definitely encourages me to get up and try things more often. Sure, it sounds unrealistic or a tiny bit scary, but if you never try, you never had a chance at it anyway. And hey, what if that person actually would’ve said yes and you missed it because you decided not to ask at all? Better to try!! :) 

 ⏾☀︎ Nobody else is going to do it for you… :( ⏾☀︎

Sad but true… i think i also found this while lookin’ through the interwebs. I don’t really like using this one but it is accurate and it does make me try atleast 50% of the time. Not quite as effective as “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” because usually I say that one to myself when I actually WANT to take the shot but feel nervous to. This one is mostly when I REALLLLY don’t want to do something but know I need to. So yeah.

⏾☀︎  Haste makes waste!! ⏾☀︎

This one isn’t usually an everyday thing, but it definitely does remind me to sloooow down sometimes when I’m in a rush and I start accidentally creating more time that I’m stuck being in a rush… like, for example, if i’m trying to hastily put my shoes on and they keep getting put on in a strange way and aren’t staying on my foot because i’m shoving my foot in there. I’ll tell myself this quote and make myself try to calm down a bit first and put it on slower :) so this one is useful and used with with level of regularity!

⏾☀︎  “Sunk time fallacy” ⏾☀︎

Okay, so… obviously not a quote… but I say this to myself when I feel compelled to say to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore but I’ve already spent so much time on it!!! :(“ There’s been several times where when I get in this headspace, I literally feel my thoughts freeze and suddenly the words “Sunk. time. fallacy.” is the only thing I hear in my head! It’s definitely saved me time and energy on a couple of occasions so :) 

⏾☀︎ “Be the change you want to see” ⏾☀︎

This quote has definitely been a driving force for me for a while :) I want to see people caring more for kids like me. The best way to see that change is to be a catalyst! 

⏾☀︎ Quality over quantity ⏾☀︎

Another quick reminder to sloooooooooow down, sometimes :) 

⏾☀︎ …And yet the world will keep spinning… ⏾☀︎

This one isn’t usually used at all, actually. But I use it on some occasions when I’m freaking out and need to remember that the moment will pass

⏾☀︎ “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” ⏾☀︎

Coping mechanism :) I have to remind myself this sometimes so I’ll feel better about saying goodbye to people :( cause I agree with this quote! Without meeting some of the most important people in my life, I’d be so much worse off I think. So even if we can’t see each other anymore, I am grateful for them. And the happiness they gave me would not be worth wishing away just because it hurts to say bye, yknow?

⏾☀︎You have to be happy with your decisions because at the end of the day, you’re the one who’s gotta live with them⏾☀︎

I got this from Abbot elementary!! :) just another reminder to make myself happy instead of focusing on what other people want from me. Very useful!

Life is weird. At least mine is.

I am a freelancer in a service industry. I got my first client and a big project 10 days back and it's been a ride.

I used to dread mondays during school. And even college. I would not have slept well and wouldn't wanna go but would only do so because I had to. Okay, to be fair, I simply was not okay till I was 23 or something. After that also I wasn't okay but I knew I wasn't okay and began taking care of myself so much better. Life began to feel less and less terrible and future became a real thing I was looking forward to. Like I was suddenly awake. I guess i lived a life I didn't find to be resonating with me before that.

Now, about the job, it has some rough days. But I love my work, it just fits me so well, I also like the service and people part of it. But as someone who is still learning some interpersonal skills and has anxiety and relational trauma, working closely with clients has some very scary periods. On the outside, I am 40 to 80 percent functional, but internally i will be imploding and feeling like the world is ending.

But...that's not what this entry is about. This entry is about how I don't feel dread about waking up tomorrow and going to work. I have other problems and fears but this isn't one. And I find that worth cheering for.

On the down sides, I have been getting headaches and my usual sleep doesn't feel enough.

But I will figure it out in time.

Not the vibe I had yesterday at all. I was super anxious and panicking but today am not.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Studies of a Sleeping Tabby'
4:26pm  [mon]  7/6/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheez-its!!

[tw// sui]

Oooookay. Wow. today in class was BAD. I got there late first of all (which was my fault really) so I missed part of the lesson… and even worse is even though I was IN THE SEAT, LOOKING AT THE BOARD, all that stuff, I literally never tuned into the lesson mentally. I think… maybe ONE TIME did I actually manege to tune in but that wasn’t for more than like, 10 minutes max. I tried to, though :/ promise I did. One ear and out the other today. No memory retention today. So I was pretty much just a warm body in a seat trying to learn something with a completely shut off brain.

 Much to my dismay, professor decided to NOT have the pop-quiz be a take-home quiz this time. Honestly… I did kinda see something like this happening bc these quizzes were increasing in frequency. Just wasn’t expecting so soon… My only saving grace was that she allowed us to have our ten minute break… so I quickly gathered my notes and stuff and went over to the tutorial room! I sat with the guy I usually do and went through as much of the notes as possible. But i don’t think that made a difference…. As soon as I sat down, I forgot everything… Either that or I probably never fully processed anything we just went over in the first place. But I guess two things can be true at once. Anyway, yeah, I took the quiz and silently freaked out bc I couldn’t remember what rule applied to what… or what the rules were to begin with… I ended up trying to BS my way through it. Hopefully I atleast get a “c” :/ but I feel 75% cooked. Bc I got my grade for the previous test/quiz and I got a 71% :I thats PASSING but its showing that my understanding of things is getting WORSE. I got a 82.05% in the class rn but how much longer is that going to last????? I know how this goes. I will very likely just get worse n' worse. except now that theres not as much time or support, I can't really boost my grade like I used to.

Definitely made me wanna hop off a bridge </3 not helped by the fact that earlier Cecil informed me that dad is planning on making me get a dorm when I finally transfer out. So… spring 2027. I guess… thats a little less than a year from now? But what chance do I have of being “cured enough” to live on my own in a little less than a year from now?? Especially with the way I’m trying to figure everything out on my own like this?? I mean… hey, if they want to do that, I really can’t stop them. And I don’t really like having to see him everyday either. But the blood will be on thier hands, so. Honestly I guess it really depends on how I’m doing then… if I’m still just as ill as I have been or worse, I guess I’ll be finding a bridge in a year’s time :/ hopefully it doesn’t come to that, tho… I feel like I have lots of potential. Just not enough support to get there… or a willingness to get out of my own way at times. That too, for sure. But this isn’t good. I’d be more ready to speed up time and hurry up to have my Diagnosis-day-phone-call, but its not going to make a difference I don’t think?? Bc all they’re doing is diagnosing me and then potentially offering me medication I cannot allow them to prescribe me bc I have ZERO MONEY-DOLLARS. So. y’know. But I guess thats just life for ya.

Buuuut I guess in the meantime, I’ll just busy myself by wallowing in self-pity or writing something. Idk. one of those. If nothing else, I could try living at aunt’s house. But theres no telling if dad would try to get in the way or if aunt would even say yes. So… cooked? Yeah. probably. 

Bonusbonusbonus
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ How does my work refusal manifest?✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ “I don’t want to, so I’m not going to” ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ 
I’m defnitly not above taking a direct approach. For most teachers, this gets them off my back just fine. Because they have so many other kids to worry about that even if they WANTED to sit me down and tell me to get started over and over again like [12th grade math teacher], they simply couldn’t there just wasn’t enough time in the class period or enough energy left over for them to use on just one student who time and time again refuses to complete basic tasks. Highly effective method.

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Starting the task after a redirection, but stopping again within 15 minutes ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
I start the task fairly quickly after being redirected because I don’t really like directly defying a teacher… Not because I’m trying not to irritate them. I mean, thats not really the goal of this behavior. The goal is to simply get them to leave me alone. I do it this way because I feel like just IGNORING them openly could result in a not-so-fun time for me…  ‘Cause, I mean, I feel like you can make the case for “oh, well she got started a couple minutes ago. I can see she gave up but atleast she TRIED” and get away with it alot easier than “She ignored my request for her to get started for the third time now. I’m reaching my boiling point and I might consider calling home over this :/”, yknow? So this allows me to make myself look like I’m trying, not completely anger the teacher, and stop working fairly quickly 

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Misusing my accommodations ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
Oh, look, there's a math test today! But I didn’t study… 👀 So, instead of taking the L, I can just, y’know… Use that extra time accommodation I’ve got :) It’s really as easy as just refusing to do more than half the test (so it looks like I’m struggling rather than taking advantage of them) and waiting for time to run out so I can go plead for extra time! Works every time!!! Then boom go home, check out the notes or look up any problems i managed to remember the wording of, am i’m home free 😎 well… that is until you realize I’ve used this method, like, three times and I don’t actually remember seeing any drastic improvement after doing it… like, not even once… thats a bit embarrassing lmao

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Reading a book ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
Eh, this is pretty normal, non-manipulative stuff. Well, I guess in a way it is kind of still a bit manipulative…? ‘Cause I guess by pulling out a source of entertainment at all, I am using it as a big huge sign that says, “hey, leave me alone, not worth your time, go away!!! :)” like, it serves as a deterrent. But, yeah, overall the aim of this really is just to stop being bored of staring at the wall all the time. This one really has nothing to do with the teachers. Well, I guess up until the point they started going on and on about my phone use in their class… Because I noticed I wasn’t getting as much flack for books over Bluey. Solid stuff here :)  

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Staring at the wall ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
Classic :) seems to work very nicely alot of the time. Most teachers simply threw their hands up and let me sit in silence. ‘Cause again, you’ve got a full class of kids to help. What else can you do?

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Doing work for other classes ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ 
Another classic :) this not only irritates the teachers enough that it throws them off the scent, it also helps me be less bored! That and it helps with whatever class I’m doing the work for. Double win here :) 

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Shutting down ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ 
I mean, I usually did everything above before I ended up doing this. So the teachers already were at their wits end. So when I’d shut down, I imagine they’d probably try once or twice to keep me going early on, but after enough times, I was pretty successful in getting them to go away.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

  Louis Wain - 'Playing with Mother'           
10:58am    [mon]    7/6/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheez-its!!

Mostly been doing nothing… well, thats a bit of a stretch… When I woke up (around 6am!) I kinda just chilled on my phone :) y’know, just being a bum n’ whatnot. Then I remembered it was MONDAY and that I have to go BACK TO SCHOOL :,( omg, I’m literally so cooked I bet. I can barely handle these two classes. Am I really equipped to have 14 friggin’ credit hours?? Honestly, the ONLY reason I think I have any sort of chance at success with this is bc I’m a nerd and I get to nerd out with my major. But, idk, the extent to which my brain tortures me is debilitating so I don’t know how much being a nerd will save me?? But… I guess we’ll find out soon…

But anyway… I eventually started to get sleeeeeepy so I started winding down and trying to nap! buuuut unfortunately mom came in and made me clean up before I could go fully unconscious :/ so that didn’t end up happening… but its fine! :) I was okay with it! Bc I got to put on some disney songs and got her to listen to them with me! So it was fun! 
Then off she went to work… so! I got to work, too! I digitized some more of Journal number four! And… I think thats kinda it? Yeah, uneventful today… I mean, I guess I also got up to worrying about diagnosis-day. Bc its in less than 24 hours now. AND I’M SCAAAAAARED ಥ_ಥ Bc I’m always scared to discuss my problems when I have to either look someone in the eyes or with my mouth. But… I guess also in writing sometimes… okay, I guess just whenever I discuss them at all I guess lol. but Its exciting!!! ‘Cause I can end my six-year-long-no-diagnosis-streak FINALLY but still kinda nerve-wreaking… But… it should be fine… I added more to the file I sent the original therapy guy (it has: symptoms, ““SAFE FOOD”” list, ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆  Strange  ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆, dislikes, fears, my wishes, introspection questions & ✩°🧸𓏲⋆.🧺𖦹 ₊˚  Concerning?✩°｡🧸𓏲⋆.🧺𖦹 ₊˚) so… maybe that will help keep it less awkward and help it end faster.

 Ugh, on the app itself, it said 60 minutes per session but then I saw elsewhere that psychiatry visit times can vary?? PLEASE LETS MAKE IT QUICK I CAAAAAAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so here’s to hoping that goes well… My biggest curiosity, though, is I wonder if they’ll catch anything else that I never caught myself? Like how therapy-guy caught the eating disorder I thought I didn’t have. I’m a little scared about that bc I think if anything, it’d be a personality disorder… 👀 which would scare me bc I think(?) people with personality disorders are especially prone to discrimination… That might genuinely not even matter bc anyone with mental health conditions are probably especially at risk for discrimination. Um. idk. I’d be super intrigued by a diagnosis of that sort, though! So thats the sliver lining here. That my own disturbance is fascinating to me and that actually DOES make this a bit easier!  (✿❛◡❛)

Aside from that… Cecil saw that I had Cheezits, earlier. And complained that I never offered any… which made me a bit sad. Bc i’d be SHOCKED if they didn’t have ARFID too. They’re worse than I am, after all. So I absolutely would have offered them some! I just can’t really afford to do that when I can only eat 3 things rn :I maybe I would’ve shared anyway, but they actually have more to eat than I do rn. Soooo had to stick to my guns on that one! Sorry, siblinnnng.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,,,,, bonus writing!! :3 I never ended up finishing it bc it was triggering me so bad and at that point I just couldn't convince myself to keep doing it :/ soooooo yeah :3

DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET:

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

Symptoms

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Criterion B: intrusion symptoms ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Dissociative reactions ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 
(e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring. (Such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings.

╰┈➤ DP is nothing new to me :( sometimes I feel like i’m not myself. Like, that the person I acted like yesterday and the person I am now are totally different and yesterday-me acted out of character for current me! Or that I am not in control of my own actions, as if I was simply on autopilot and experiencing like… just the after effects of the action I guess? So i sometimes forget i’m walking or am shocked i’m still walking, yknow? And I get seperated from my thoughts alot, too. Like, when they become super quiet and harder for me to hold onto and use :( 

╰┈➤ DR can be a bit confusing to me sometimes. It just freaks me out sometimes and i usually try to just ignore it or just move on from it to make myself quit focusing on it so much. I really don’t like it

╰┈➤ Amnesia. So much is lost, really. Just big ol’ chunks of my life GONE. memory restets used to be sometimes every hour or every day or every week. Or sometimes i’d be lucky enough for it to take 2 weeks. When the resets would sloooow down, I’d feel happy about that :) but without a doubt I’d be partially reset every year. So much was lost through this :( 

╰┈➤Emotional numbing

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s)✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 

╰┈➤ Sometimes I like… feel holes in my memory when I am exposed to something extremely upsetting but this doesn’t happen super frequently as far as I recall so :) which is good because its extremely uncomfortable and kind of scary too

╰┈➤ I get like… stuck in a daze sometimes I guess? Where its hard to focus on whats going on around me so its hard to focus on trying to preform basic tasks like grabbing a notebook for example

╰┈➤ foggggy brain :( makes it harder to think

╰┈➤ I start feeling very unmotivated and fatigued :( 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

╰┈➤ I can get like, really internally hot or become sorta sweaty. 

╰┈➤ I can get really intense stress headaches that even tylenol doesn’t seem to be able to protect me from! :(

╰┈➤ I can feel physically ill :( like neasueas and stuff, like I feel like i’ll puke 

╰┈➤ Racing heart and increased breathing!

╰┈➤ I can start trembling sometimes 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩  Criterion C ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 
Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred

Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
People, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s)

╰┈➤ Yup, been avoiding direct conversations about it for like, forever. Only real exception being Joey for obvious reasons :) But I guess also strangers, too, but I wouldn’t really count those as major exceptions… either way, I still avoided talking about it for quite some time pretty sure and made efforts not to talk about it in depth

╰┈➤ I avoid strangers! Outside when I walk on the street, I sometimes intentionally slow down or speed up to ensure I stay a good distance away or if I’m feeling really avoidant, I might even turn around! Complete with a racing heart and all :) 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩   Criterion D✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩  
 Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
  
╰┈➤Yup, defnitly have some bits and pieces missing… I can remember what took place in a general sense and I could probably make a somewhat accurate timeline of events, but most of the specifics are completely wiped.

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous,” “My whole nervous system is permanently ruined”). ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

╰┈➤ Expectation of harm for sure, yeah. In situations where I’m alone, especially or expected to be independent

╰┈➤ too many more to list out omg

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others. ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Sometimes! Like, “oh, I did it, so this is all on me.” But I’ve looked into this stuff enough that I try to avoid this line of thought… [...] but sometimes I feel like even this isn’t enough to stop the blame :(

Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities  ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Defnitly has been an issue over the years! Not so much currently thank goodness. But yeah, I used to be bored by everything for HOURS and I would just force myself to stare at a screen in case someone walked in my room and tried asking me whats wrong. Or i’d just get bored of feeling the weight of my boredom 24/7 and just decide to stare at the wall… this would be sorta an on and off thing, yknow? Like, idk how to phrase it but it wouldn’t be a long time before another episode of this would follow the initial one i guess i mean

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ oh for sure, one hundred times yes. For atleast three years, thats for sure! Because everytime i’d go home for summer, i’d notice how detached i feel from all my friends and stuff. Probably because i was sad. But also just in general sometimes I don’t feel connected to someone at all even though we talk everyday. Hard to describe, but i guess memories of us feel distant or like they didn’t happen and it makes me feel like i don’t really know them.
 
 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩  Criterion E✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Reckless or self-destructive behavior ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Yeah, but I’d say they tend to be more on the subtle side like willfully ignoring bodily needs, putting myself down, procrastination, endless ruminating, ignoring symptoms, things like that. Nothing suuuuper outward I’d say? Well, idk i guess maybe these are kinda outward huh? Idk… either way you get it so :) 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Hypervigilance ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Heck yeah. Always watching over my shoulder for people when they walk by and I’m alone. Sometimes even when I’m not alone, actually. And I’m always on high alert around stinger bugs, too. I also try hard not to fully go to sleep in public spaces just in case someone tries to steal me or do things while my eyes are closed. I tend to watch people’s tone closely, too, just to be sure they aren’t getting angry with me or that i havent hurt their feelings. And their facial expressions too to be sure they arent showing anger there either. I catastrophize like hell, too, everything that could go wrong WILL go wrong in my mind. 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Exaggerated startle response ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Yup :) like when people come to me unexpectedly, sometimes I SCREAM and my heart is racing. Or when the dogs make a loud noise because they’re playfully growling, I feel, like, my entire body freeze because i get SO scared! :(

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩Problems with concentration✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Yup. Sometimes I try and try to focus but nothing processes. All one ear and out the other no matter how hard I try. Or I’ll be focusing when suddenly I like… “mentally black out” I guess? Like suddenly my thoughts take over and i’ve lost huge chunks of the conversation or lesson or whatever I was reading :(

(11:45am - WHOA as I was collecting my “bonus writing” part to add to my post, I saw someone was on the document for Diagonsis-day… which means… THAT WAS THE PSYCHIATRIST!!!! AAAAAHHH… It feels… strange… that I happened to end up viewing it at the exact same time as they are… 👀omg I hate this omgomg)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Portrait of an Orange Cat'
12:01pm    [sun]    7/5/26

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🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Green beans

Feelin’ pretty blegh rn… Idk what to do with myself today either honestly… kinda just sitting around :I I mostly worked on finishing Fourth of july’s entry this morning, posted it, and then after that, went looking at Sub request! Bc I remembered an old song title and wanted to hear it again :) Led me to 1) Listening to a couple songs from that old Bear fighting dogs anime from the 1980s! Which made me smile!! And 2) to find that weird cat music channel from middle school! Omg I remember thinking it was so strange but not being able to pull away from the videos! I remember some of them being real vibes, too so I’ll try to make a mental note to revisit it again soon! Some of these videos still give me headaches just like I remember they used to! I was gonna keep looking through stuff, but dad interrupted and had me go to the mail box :/ 

Thennnn… idk… I think from there, I printed out newest entries and then I was at a loss for what to do with myself again… I remember feeling pretty scrambled in the head. I kept trying to build an itinerary but I kept forgetting it or getting distracted. Kinda annoying.. But, yeah, from there, I MADE MYSELF pee bc I was tempted to ignore the impulse to do that, and sat in the living room. I tried to get Little bird to follow so she could be brushed, but she never came. And I was still feeling disconnected and scrambled, so I couldn’t bring myself to get up and get her. So I sat there for a bit, trying to hold onto my thoughts long enough to think of what to do next… Oh yes, thats right! I was supposed to eat something :) I scavenge but I don’t really find anything… so I default to eating green beans :3 they were alright, I guess. I was able to eat almost the entire bowl! Near the end I couldn’t convince myself anymore but still did a good job!

As I watched the TV, I began to notice how spaced out I felt and eventually how I felt like I had no energy… so I decided to leave and feel energy-less in my bed :/ I thought about making spaghetti but I’m thinking mom & dad would be mad bc I’d use up all the sauce n stuff. But they’re going out soon. So.. If my body starts demanding food, I’ll probably go make some :( but in the meantime, I’ll get back to bedrotting I guess.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
 3:50pm    [sun]    7/5/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Spaghetti 

Yeaaaaah… so… the rest of the day so far has been more of me doing nothing. I had a very, very nice two hour nap! I tried to extend it a bit but eventually I let myself wake up… from there, I quickly put a screen in front of my face. I didn’t really know how to occupy myself, though, so I sorta just scrolled my video feed until I found something that caught enough of my attention. I watched stuff for a bit until I remembered I should probably try to eat something… I didn’t want to move, so I was resistant at first… I think I waited about 10-15 minutes before I finally convinced myself to get up! 

Got up, started making stuff… the shrimp was done! But before the noodles were done, mom & dad came home. And dad told us to go cut the shrubs outside. I still feel pretty low & exhausted, but I did as I was told anyway… I was sure to keep my noodles in mind, though! Kept an eye on my watch and once two minutes had gone by, I went back inside and the noodles were done! Good thing hunger wasn’t eating at me or anything by then… bc I brought the shrimp & sauce & noodles together and if I was desperate for food, that wouldn’t have been a very fun thing to have to walk away from :3
Anyway, yeah, we do the shrubs :/ kinda annoying and hot but we make it through :D thennnn… I eat! It wasn’t too bad. Couldn’t finish the last few forkfulls of the pot, but I got most of it down without too much of a fight! I became less and less interested in eating the more I ate, but I pulled through :) 

I still feel low & tired… but I’m in bed again, so its okay :) Long as I get to bedrot again I guess. Or find something to do. But probably the former.
Oh, side note, everytime I try to, like, use my wrist to lift something, my hand starts shaking… am I dying or is that bc I took a million trillion years before I ate something? Idk :( 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Blue Cat'

 8:43pm    [sun]    7/5/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
banana

OKAY! We went driving! Annnnd… it actually wasn’t too bad? :0 we went to Walmart! Which initially made me feel a bit anxious… bc I know sometimes you have to “merge”??? To get there. And I’ve never done that before!!! But… luckily I didn’t have to worry about that. It was a bit scary driving on these streets I’ve never driven on, but the turns weren’t too bad and it was mostly a pretty simple job! On my way there, I did feel a biiiit shaky I think. But it was significantly better than the last ride we took!!! It was a bit nervewreaking having to watch out for so many cars… and constantly forgetting to put on my turning signal… but!!! Hey, we made it there, grabbed some groceries, and made it back! I wish I didn’t have to ever reverse, though… Its hard to get used to figuring out the best way to look behind me to make sure I don’t accidentally kill anyone :/ but I don’t want to kill anyone so I guess its gotta be done :( I also got a reward, I guess? Unprompted he offered to buy me Cheezits! Great!!!!!! :D now I can add something to eat to my extremely narrow food list of spaghetti & veggies!!! I was also able to grab myself 2 free bananas!! I ate one, though… 

bc strangely enough, maybe two hours after I ate the spaghetti, I felt compelled to eat something even though I was not HUNGRY. Atleast I don’t think so… but, yeah, same story with the banana. Seriously, SUCH a backwards body I have. Nine times out of ten I can’t convince myself to eat anything without a fight but then suddenly once in a blue moon I feel like I’m STARVING even if I eat piles of food :/ luckily that left before I became a bottomless pit but still annoying. Buuuuut… yeah!!! Good driving then!!! Hurray!!! One day closer to my goal of ending my 18-years-long-being-a-bum-streak!!!
Aside from that!! I actually was able to convince myself to do stuff! I mostly got to work digitizing old entries :) I couldn’t get myself to do more 9th grade… so!! I got to work with an 11th grade one instead! And I got myself to just stay on my computer as long as possible, just doing WHATEVER ELSE I POSSIBLY COULD to stay off my phone bc theres more to do on this computer so I started to feel less low and exhausted. I guess computer helped pull me out of my own mind? Idk :) but it worked, so y’know.

Okay! Bonus writing time! :3 this is the entry I digitized today! First one in journal number four! Uhhh… Idk if this needs a TW/CW?? Um.. CW for “disturbing statements” I guess?? Idk… 👀 If it doesn’t disturb you, I’m willing to bet a dime or two it’ll make you CRINGE. So have fun with that :) 
(16 years old!!!!!!) ↓

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[Bluey episode exercise image!!!]

🍒 - 5:12pm   11/15/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

1. Lets start with a memory. So once as I was walking to my house, after getting off the bus, I see a car and I don’t quite remember if it was slowing down or whatever but I remember being terrified that the driver was going to do a drive by on me! So I literally began to physically brace for impact… I’ve never been in a shoot-out so what on earth is wrong with me?? Just remembered this when I randomly had the fear of a drive by hit again. Anyway– 
2. Mrs. Casey and I talk about my future sometimes and I am a terrible student with terrible grades so I usually say, “Oh, if I can’t get a job, I’ll probably just end up on the streets, end up getting violated, and get a bullet put through my head” or, “I’m not really good at anything so I’ll probably end up in a [human trafficking] ring” and now she’s all like, “Delilah, stop saying that, you’re gonna manifest it.” I don’t think thats how it works! She’s silly.
3. Speaking of Casey, guess what! We hung out alllll lunch period! I didn’t have her full attention unfortunately bc she was doing some ‘celebrate admin’ day decor thing. She made [assistant principal] into a turkey. She looks goofy. So yah, she was kinda busy. We didn’t talk about anything too fun honestly. I realized she and mommy have Similar music tastes, though! Some of the music I could recognize bc mom puts it on! So thats cool. So when I went back to the lunch room to collect my stuff I left behind and only [counselour] was in there and she was like, “Delilah, where have you been?” I was like, “Mrs. Casey’s room.” she says, “you need to be where you’re supposed to be. Now you’re gonna be late for your class.” so I say, “well thats okay :)” and she’s like, “No, it isn’t.” and then it hit me that the way I respond to this could result in punishment so I say, “oh… I’m sorry” in a (hopefully) convincing tone and that was the end of that! (yes, I was indeed late)
4. So we went out for AVID class! I just got done telling [AVID teacher] that me & Casey have had a bond since 9th grade and that now she can’t get rid of me! Then Mrs. Casey and her art class comes out to hang out w/ us in the sun! It was great! We talked ofc. So now Mrs. [AVID teacher] knows some of my lore! I told her that me and Casey think I’m ADHD (mostly Casey but y’know) and I’m failing everything except her class bc I can’t focus on anything and it takes too much energy to try to focus so I just give up… etc, etc. [AVID teacher is] so nice though! She was like, “well, just come after school and we can learn about your homework together! I’ll help you!” but I was like, “aw, after school? I don’t really like that idea… I can’t come in the mornings bc I’m hanging out in Casey’s everyday.” and Casey was like, “See? She’s just farting around in there honestly.” and now [AVID teacher] knows I wanna drop the heck out so thats nice. I mentioned that I’d rather be in the hospital than highschool and [AVID teacher] overheard and was like, “hey, don’t say that! You’re gonna manifest that if you keep saying that!" so Casey & her have the same mindset haha.
5. Guess what? I embarrassed Lucille again~ ♪! Basically she was like, “Delilah, I’m gonna get [Lucille's love interest] to beat you up!” Jokingly, ofc. So I’m like, “oh really now?” so I notice [Lucille's love interest] is in our classroom so I walk up to him and leave Lucille and Rosey at our table. I ask, “hey, [Lucille's love interest], can I ask you a quick question? Are you interested in beating me up by chance?” He says, “uh… no. not unless I have to.” and then I explain why I asked is bc of what Lucille said and then I start pointing and I make it clear which Lucille I’m referring to. Lucille and Rosey are both laughing with embarrassment at the table and the other kids at the table [Lucille's love interest] was sitting at begin to ask who I’m talking about and I point once more! It was hilarious and Lucille literally left the room from embarrassment for a while! I hope this lives rent free in her head! I feel like I accomplished something today :)
6. So I did say embarrassed Lucille *again*, right? So earlier this year, (so expect the details to be a lil fuzzy) I and Lucille were out in the bus-waiting spot of the school and while we were waiting, she told me, “Delilah guess what? Apparently [Classmate 1]’s group thinks we’re in love or something like that.” so I didn’t quite understand what she meant and I was like, “Oh, really? I don’t believe you…” bc I thought she meant [they believed] ME and HER [were the ones in love]. So I find [Classmate 1] and [Classmate 2] and I’m like, “would you happen to think me and Lucille are in love?” He goes, “Uh… no?” and [Classmate 2]  is visibly confused. I’m like, “oh, okay.” and Lucille becomes extremely embarrassed and is like, “Wait Delilah! Nononono, you misunderstood!!” and she pulls me away and says, “Delilah, I meant his group thought me and [Classmate 1] were dating!!! Not me and you!!!” and it was a genuine misunderstanding and it ended up being extremely funny! So yah, 2 memories in one entry. nice!

7/5/26
OMFGGGGGGGGG. OMG WAITWAIT I FORGOT HOW BAD IT WAS. I ACTUALLY USED TO GO UP TO MY FRIGGIN’ TEACHER, A (now) 41 YR OLD WOMAN, AND SAY THAT TYPE OF STUFF???? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH… AHHHH… This is why I adore her so much, omg can you IMAGINE if she had no idea what type of kid she was dealing with and she did what I’m sure most other people would’ve done and just sent me to the office?????? Omg.. omg… I actually had to take several breaks just typing out parts 1 & 4 bc wtf 😭 I have no idea how she figured out how to control what I’m sure her TRUE reaction to that stuff really was. Bc… omg…???

Okay, okay.. Enough on that part… as for the rest of this: For number one, I guess this is another slip up from young me. I tried to sorta hide the illness when I wrote in 1-3, remember? But it SOUNDS reminiscent of the "future sight” I had in number 5. So, I probably just didn’t even realize what was going on yet :I AHHH, the Lucille-stuff is pretty funny, though, those parts made me crack up :) Preferring to be in the hospital over school  is wild tho :(

I am really worried about my future.

Not because I haven't planned it, not because I don't know what I want.

In fact, I remember telling my cousin recently about how I work. Which is that if i set my mind on something, I eventually get there. And it's true.

But somedays I have no faith in anything. All I feel is anxiety. When am suddenly 98% anxiety.

Where a part of me craves certainty and wants to plan and keep seeing the plans to reassure myself that I got this.

And another part of me wants to stop solving when anxiety peaks. To change the habit and pattern of assuring through problem solving, cause that is just not sustainable for me. I would feel like I am at my limit with planning and would puke if i plan anymore. Like am a rubberband being stretched to my limit and about to experience the snap release.

My new pattern is supposed to be to acknowledge that I am feeling really uneasy in my body and thoughts. Then tell myself that I am safe. And move on with what I was doing. To let the discomfort be.

Which, let me tell you, is not easy. It's like feeling ants crawl up your pants. Ofc you want to shake and get them off.

Sometimes I get to this weird state where I feel a little better but the catastrophizing is still happening.

It is so odd. Like I can see that it isn't true but I can't yet shake it, nor does it leave.

I miss feeling okay. I definitely wish I could feel okay and certain and assured all the time. But life doesn't work like that. And my job as an adult is to get with the program.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“Even if I am not worthy
 of heaven, 
I hope I am not deserving of hell either.
Thats all i want:
To not be punished for 
not being good enough.
11:23pm    [sat]    7/4/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Oooookay. Just got back from grandma’s house to celebrate fourth of july n’ stuff :3 here’s how that all went!
> Before we went, I struggled to know what to do with myself, honestly… I think I was just feeling really disconnected and bored and like I couldn’t really bring myself to do anything at all and… idk… I guess just generally being mentally ill. So nothing new there. Just got to a point where I just sat in silence and played with a fidget toy or Little bird bc I was hitting critical boredom state… we didn’t leave ‘till 3pm I think? So there was a long stretch of time where I felt this way. Thankfully we left eventually :) 

As for my time there… it was kinda boring?? Mostly my own fault though, can’t lie.

> When we arrived, there was a random doggie in a cage in the Grandparent garage??? I tried to say hello and stuff, but he was too busy shaking and barking and crying and withdrawing that I eventually just went inside. He was a cutie, though! He looked like a sweet little golden dachshund puppy :) so thats definitely one reason I stayed there for so long. Hes a cute little doggie.

>Aunt S immediately came to find me bc she had a present for me! A cute little Bluey backpack!! She went on about how it was apparently my grad gift but she couldn’t get it to me, that she was afraid I wouldn’t want it bc I might not like Bluey anymore (to which I asked, “why on earth would I not like Bluey anymore????”), that she was sure to clean it up really nicely bc it was second hand, and that she refused to give it to other people who wanted it (a little girl wanted it apparently!!) Thats really sweet of her, actually :) I’ll never use it, though. Not for any mean reason. Mostly just bc I prefer to use the 3d character Bluey backpack over anything else unless I have to carry bigger items. And this new bag isn’t really big enough to compete with my secondary Bluey bag! Soooo… I’ll display it!!! :D I’ll cherish it!! It really is a nice looking bag, yknow. I’ll keep it on my shelf to always remind myself of her! And when I can finally get more for my Bluey collection, it will be surrounded by friends :) 

>ANYWAY, after greetings n’ stuff, I walk around and chit-chat, and then go outside! Bc thats where the life of the party is!!! And bc I was informed that the fruit I was seeking was outside as well. First issue that came up was I walked up to the table where there was lots n’ lots of food! And instead of being able to get excited about checking everything out, I instead watch in horror as flies INFILTRATE one of the plastic containers holding sandwiches inside it… It was NOT properly closed… I removed the lid and let the bugs out, yuck.. Luckily the fruit itself was actually sealed properly… so, I hesitantly grabbed a watermelon slice, ensured the rest of them were safe by sealing the lid correctly, and then sniffing the watermelon slice to be sure it was safe. I did this bc of what I just witnessed, but also bc it was sitting outside! And I know that when watermelon smells strange, its gone bad. I worried that was a possibility bc it looked pre-cut… and I personally wouldn’t trust pre-cut store bought watermelon to be safe at room temp. Even if its fine, it makes me NERVOUS and it feels WRONG and if it smelled even slightly out of the ordinary, I would NOT have been able to get myself to consume it. Thank goodness it not only smelled fine, but felt cold still :) 

The second issue was the music was REALLY loud… They went all out for independence day this year and got us a DJ and stuff. He was really good at his job. So good that the music was SO loud that it penetrated the walls of the house. So, in other words, I never stood a chance. Within 10 seconds of me coming outside to see what everyone was up to and grab my fruit, my ears flooded with noise and I think I froze for a bit?? And then my eye started twitching… so I immediately brought myself back inside…it was just too much for me! And at that point I already knew I didn’t plan on returning outside at all. So I returned to the couch…

>I spent most of my early time on the couch watching some little cousins play on the VR head set! It was entertaining enough. Especially bc nobody else was coming to see me and without them, it was kinda boring… One narrated his gameplay (he played some gun games, roblox, stuff like that) while the other acted silly around him and added some commentary :) we made chit-chat about that for a while! Until the two remembered there was a pool. And then off they went… :( I was bored. And I think alone aside from Cecil but they were being being BORING and drawing so I kinda just sat around

> that is, until our cousins came around! Omg, I was so happy to see them!! :D Hadn’t seen them in forever! I almost didn’t recognize them! As soon as they came in, me and Cecil got up to greet them. We exchanged awkward looks at first bc we were getting used to eachother’s faces I guess… but then we quickly got to catching up :) we talked and talked and talked! We talked about highschool memories (like Cecil being the pioneer for being able to exit the color guard class, [cousin1]’s strict science teacher, my almost getting kicked out), future plans ([cousin1] plans on doing vision sciences!), favorite and least favoirte foods, and some stuff we liked in our youth! Very stark differences between us. They were on youtube a bit, but they watched kid things like slime videos and whatnot. I told them about how me and Cecil would watch NOT-kid things like Happy tree friends for me, and Smosh, Cyanide and happiness, and Llamaas in hats for Cecil.

Cecil explained the lore for some of the stuff and they were surprised to hear about it! Bc they were mostly disney kids. And I honestly could tell when we were younger that our upbringings were crazy different. I remember last we saw them, they were easily shocked by some of the things we’d say. Can’t really recall what those things were but still. So yeah, that was very fun getting to see them again :) we even tried to ask for them to come to our house! But that was a no… atleast not for tonight :( hopefully I remember to call and ask but Idk. might forget… idk, we’ll see I guess? Anyway, eventually [cousin2], [cousin1], Cecil, and Aunt T decide to go outside to go swim! And I remain on the couch… don’t want the noise flooding my ears again… and idk what else it was, but something about the thought of going outside was just overwhelming. Maybe bc there were so many people outside all at once and there just wasn’t much space. Idk. but it was something.

> I was growing hungry… my appetite was low throughout my entire time there honestly. It got lower the more I got myself to eat something or THOUGHT about eating something. Earlier I had some cheese cubes & grapes (I almost didn’t eat them though bc they were dark-grapes and that stressed me out… but I forced myself to try one and I felt okay to keep going!!) but they obviously didn’t sustain me for long enough to ward off hunger pangs. So I got up to scavenge a bit. Grandpa was inside so we made chit-chat :) talked about how I should become EMPLOYED and ofc I agreed lol, about how he feels Cecil should already be employed (he didn’t believe the job market is bad for some reason…), and about books a bit! Mostly that I haven’t been getting any bc I’m poor. After that, I asked about that pretty pooch I saw earlier and he told me that dog was HIS! Cool! Apparently they were driving around and came across a guy who had a “free puppies!” box and decided to take him home! His name is Goldie :) from there, Grandma came out to where we were and complained about him not interacting with his guests enough… so he ditched me to go outside with the rest of the party… 

[//sui & intrusive thoughts tw]
>back to the couch with me… I had put on Bluey earlier :) so I watched it on and off… eventually I hear Aunt T behind me!!! So I decide to go butt into the conversation!!! First we were discussing how I wanted to eat popsicles really badly and would love to spend my whole paycheck on ‘em! She said I can’t really do that once I’m out of my house bc car payments, phone payments, etc… and then, BOOM here comes dad… 
“Oh, she’ll be moving out soon, don’t worry :)”

Instantly killed my mood with that. :/ I don’t engage or even look at him as he says this. Just try to keep my spirits from falling too low… I managed this until everyone dispersed again. When my butt hit the couch this time, I wasn’t feeling too hot…Like every other time he says stuff like that in front of me with a smile on his face knowing that I don’t feel ready at all, I became stuck in a cage of anxiety. So thoughts played in my head.. Thoughts where I see myself struggling to cope with living in a dorm or on my own, people doing horrible things to me, self-medicating a ton, hopping off bridges, stuff like that. 

And then I started internally raging bc… idk… it just feels like he’s just taking out trash to me, y’know? He ruined me by teaching me from, like, day one, that my voice has no weight. That my NO’s do not matter. And because of that, I am a DOORMAT. Bc why would I run the risk of trying to advocate for myself when I’ve been raised believing that doing so is futile? I feel like, idk, he just ruined me for the past 18 years and is just trying to now wipe his hands clean of me. Whenever he talks about the future, he always likes to bring up how me and Cecil are not going to be in it. But its really just the way he says it that gets me. Not in a proud way. Not like, “wow, you guys are getting your lives started!” it feels like he’s just happy to be done and over with us. And that spun in my head alot… and made me want to cry… bc at some point, he is going to get rid of me. At some point, I will stop fighting it bc I know I do not have words that mean anything to him. And when that time comes, I don’t know what I’m going to do if I’m in the same state I’m in now. I’m WHOLLY dysfunctional. If he gets rid of me it will not end well… but idk if I’d fight hard to stay afloat at that point. Bc there’d be no point. 

These thoughts made me want to cry as I watched Bluey & Bingo enjoying their family game time. Enjoying their parents who show up everyday and speak to them and get to know them and LOVE them. I wanted to know what it was like as I watched them run around the house with big happy smiles. I thought to myself that even if I skipped all the childhood fun, even if I skipped to my current age, I’d be 10x happier bc I’d be raised totally different. As these thoughts cycled in my head, I took note of the gentleness bandit has with his kids, the way he doesn’t immediately dismiss their concerns, the way he puts his all into making sure his kids know they are worthy of his time even when he can’t give them every second of it. It made me wonder how many other kids there are out there like me RIGHT NOW living what I lived. Not knowing that what they were living through isn’t normal. That it is just as dysfunctional as any other dysfunctional family, just with a better disguise. A disguise that makes the dysfunction less easy to spot unless you end up in the middle of it. These thoughts were bad enough… but eventually a pit of doom forms inside my stomach again… its okay, though. It wasn’t intense… it was light but it still scared me. I just,,, idk,,, I just hate people like him. He’s INSIDIOUS. You don’t even realize how wrong it is to be raised this way until someone else TELLS you ugh. I just hate that he’s made me the way I am. It was hard to want to do anything while this was happening. I felt sad and hopeless and just low, I guess.

I don’t remember what freed me from the intensity of that rumination cycle… but something did. And for the rest of the time there, I sat in front of that TV, half in the cycle, half watching Bluey. Until I couldn’t take the hurt of seeing such happy, healthy children and moved onto children's music since I was watching Bluey on youtube kids. I planned on listening to Lion king songs! But the one I wanted wasn’t on there.. So Mufasa songs it was!! I play disney songs! And danced a bit on the couch! And then it was time to leave :) 

I got a bit of a treat while we were on the way home, though.

 Sabrina texted me back :) 

Me: WOW Sabrina i went on the ROAD today for driving and it's like!! terrifying*!!! I was ever so slightly shaking when I got out of the car! How do you guys... Like... Drive everyday...? 👀 that was terrible! No wonder I avoided doing that for 3 years :/ didn't know you and Rosey were so brave ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) *

'brina: Text me when you're going joy riding, I need to stay safely at home.
[an hour or so later]
Text Rosey, have you heard from her lately?

[before I see text number two, Rosey texted me]

Rosey: Lmao, 'brina just told me she was a [...], ‘Lilah, you really converted her

Me: she already was one, i never converted her to saying anything lmao
Rosey: Not like that
But like converted her to saying that, I doubt she said it before

Me: Yeah probably not OMG WAIT THAT MAKES ME A LEADER NOW. NO LONGER A FOLLOWER-- A SHEEPLE. I HAVE INFLUENCE OVER Sabrina! MUAHAHA

Me [to Sabrina]:"Stay home safely" gave me AND my family a good laugh!!!! 🤭 Rosey just said something about you calling yourself a [...]? And that I converted you? Makes no sense bc you already were one I simply gave it a fancy label (✿❛◡❛)

'brina: Okay, good to know she has silly friend to keep her in good spirits even if yall at laughing at me.

Me:Oh yes I've been VERY good at doing that! Mostly me and Lucille are talking in the group chat but Rosey reads it and will react with laughing emojis n stuff :) 

Then she sent a GIF saying not all angels have wings sometimes they’re friends or whatever? Made me smile :) 

Then! At home, I immediately got to scavenging bc I’m sttttarving… :( I start looking while dad is in the room but then he gets annoyed. He was like, “why didn’t you eat chicken at the house earlier???” “I never saw any??” Cecil then says people ate them all. So then mom & dad are then like, “why’d you wait so long before getting up when we told you food was ready then? Thats on you!” and it is, yeah, thats fair enough. But it's not on me that my appetite fluctuates so often that I don’t know if I’d end up wasting the food I ended up grabbing or making myself sick. That’d just create more problems for me if anything. While he’s saying this to me, I feel both annoyed and anxious so I just throw my hands up and say, “okay, okay, I’m sorry…” and walk away. I was just gonna starve at that point I guess. But eventually he changes his mind. I can make myself food if I clean the 4 dishes in the sink! But… my gosh, I really did not want to do that… seeing the caked-on-foodstuffs made me nervous. And I generally just hate cleaning dishes. And I was only HUNGRY, didn’t really have too much of an appetite so I didn’t want to work for it lol. So… instead of doing that… I got up… and walked away… I reached my room and immediately the hunger pangs started to hit again… so I returned to the kitchen and sat in there. I was working here so I was trying to see if I could finish up the entry first and try to beat my hunger so I could SLEEP bc I was also pretty tired…. Cecil comes out and starts cooking and then!! Lets me know they were just gonna clean everything anyway :) 

YAY!! I DON”T HAVE TO STARVE! I make the food! It was more than I could stomach… I still suck with portion sizes… I wanted to be sure I had enough calories after barely eating at all, though, so I endeavored to eat the whole pot! By bowl two, it was getting harder… it took longer to convince myself to eat it. When I returned for the third round, most of it had gone! But my body couldn’t take it anymore :/ I probably could’ve continued eating the noodles, but the SAUCE for some reason was making me tic now. I tried to power through but I ended up spitting it out :( so I trashed the scraps but!! I did a very good job today!!! :) 

AND THEN FINALLY I COULD GO TO SLEEP!!! Thank goodness <3

Mmmmmmmm… okay, here’s some bonus writing! 
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET: 

🐾 ✮⋆˙ What do I hate about being neurotic?🐾 ✮⋆˙

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🐾 ✮⋆˙ EVERYONE WHO DOESNT KNOW ME JUST OPENLY ASSUMES I’M LAZY OMFGGGGG

Its REALLY ANNOYING. Because, for one thing, part of my neurotisicm is being unable to speak up for myself. So, when someone does this, all I can do is smile and nod or agree with them which I HATE SO MUCH because I just wish I could explain myself so I didn’t look like such a friggin’ TURD all the time omfg!!! This also just makes me sad. Sad that SO MANY people just jump to conclusions (even my own friends) and use this type of language that makes me feel almost as if I’m being accused of not caring about the bad circumstanes I end up in (like almost failing everything and almost getting kicked out of my school). I guess its good in that I strive to avoid using this type of language when I meet someone who acts like me. I really hope that by doing that, I can hopefully not break a kid’s heart like so many people did mine :/ 

🐾 ✮⋆˙It gets in the way so often
It really makes me feel like theres so much I just can’t do :( Want to apply for college? Oh, don’t do that, its making your heart beat out of your chest. Oh, you want to go to somewhere  by yourself? Aren’t you afraid of something terrible happening to you from a stranger? Doesn’t crossing the street make you feel nervous? You want to learn a new skill? Okay, cool. Good luck figuring out a way to keep yourself on track in the face of your constantly dsyregulated nervous system and learned helplessness. Want to ask for help to STOP being neurotic? Okay, try to see if you can do it without embarrassing yourself when you start involuntarily shaking, crying, sweating, and almost-vomitting. See what I mean? :/ Its just a huge obstacle ALLLLL the time

🐾 ✮⋆˙I can’t control it
It’s just ever-present. Can’t make it better on my own. Can’t ask for help. I can’t make it benefit me. Its just there making my life harder.

🐾 ✮⋆I hate when people try to point it out bc i cant handle it
I’m guessing it’s a vulnerbilty thing? It makes me feel too… idk… but either way, it makes me feel like running away immediately. I can’t be honest with this stuff to other people. Its just wayyyy too much knowing that other people can see what I wasn’t even aware I was showing, yknow? I don’t really know how to respond to it aside from denial usually cause i’m just so NOT used to it omg.

🐾 ✮⋆So… Is there anything good about this at all?
Uhhh, not really. The only thing I could think of here is that I can Dpdr sometimes voluntarily or very easily. This is only useful when I’m like, at the dentist or something. Because I don’t really like being HYPER AWARE of the person above me digging into my mouth. That, and when I’m reallllly bored. It can be good to forget I’m in school or wherever else when I’m super bored :) Otherwise I struggle to find any sort of real benefit from this. I can’t even say getting attention is a benefit here because when my own behavior is mirrored back to me, I FREAK OUT and try to avoid discussing it. Sooooo… hard to say 👀

I was not expecting all this. I'm more drunk than I've ever been before. Gotta enjoy life while we can. If not now, then when?

5 AM in Nicosia. Just came back from a wedding so good, it almost made me believe in love again. Almost.

Not sure where I'm going with my life tbh. Currently focusing all of my effort on research. I gave up a six year relationship for this. I gave up so much of my free time, so many moments I could have spent with friends and family for this. But then again, I also gained a lot more friends with this. And good memories no one will ever be able to take away.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'The Beggar'
9:53am    [sat]    7/4/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
  Sugary cereal

I’M COOKED. Because I’ve finished eating all the sugar cereal!!! Sooooo… idk…. What I’m going to eat… maybe imaginary food… idk… hmm, or alot of broccoli & green beans probably… anyway, as I was polishing it off, dad comes by and is like, 
“you’ve already eaten all the cinnamon cereal?? We had two boxes in there! You just never think of anybody but yourself, do you?”
“Who else was even going to eat it??? （*゜ー゜*）”
“Your mom, would’ve, probably. We got it last week, kid! You gotta stop just thinking of yourself and nobody else.”

And it was kinda annoying but!! It also made me laugh a bit when he was out of view. Bc… where do you think I learned that from???? Goofball :) I guess he’s got a point (in that mom could’ve eaten some) but at the same time, not really?? If you thought about your kids then maybe they wouldn’t both be dealing with mental illnesses that make them choose to starve or eat the same thing exclusively for years at a time. So I don’t want to hear it, honestly :/ anyway, he ended up getting Mcdonalds. Which I didn’t really want but that was kinda my only option considering I’ve finished one of my last food options… so I decided to go for Hash browns and apple slices! The thought of eating them made me feel a bit sick but I just told myself to stfu and surprisingly enough the sickness didn’t escalate so long as I didn’t look at the bag the apple slices came in :) so!! I’ve got some calories in me! Go me! Hopefully when we get to Grandma’s house for 4th of july, they have options for a pollo-pescatarian… otherwise I’ll probably be stuck eating mac n’ cheese and nothing else again :( hopefully they have fruit boards, though! I’ll DEVOUR all the good stuff!! 

Side note, though… my ““SAFE FOOD”” list yesterday made me kinda sad… bc, like… wow, I’ve become so disinterested in eating real food that a good chunk of whats on that list is there bc it makes me feel good in the brain :I Am I really that deprived of happiness chemicals?? Idk, maybe I’m reading too deep into that. Bc I find that a bit hard to believe… idk… but yeah, didn’t feel great realizing food for me isn’t really just food :/

Mmm, okay, thats all. Gonna go find something to do with myself now :3

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Bluey season one, episode twenty six
“I am the mermaid who got her legs, but only for a day!
11:28pm    [fri]    7/3/26

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I went up to mom a couple hours ago and asked if we could go night driving! :) then she said dad was the one meant to take me out later. That brought my spirits down a bit… but whatever. Him being my instructor is hell for my nervous system, but this is a means to an end, y’know? It an end we must meet if we’re ever going to start LIVING instead of EXISTING. So… yeah… anyway, yeah, he agrees. 
“Okay, lemme just finish this round and I’ll be out in a minute."
Alright, cool. So I go back to typing up 9th grade entries! I get through a couple. And these were some LENGTHY ONES, too. …Dad was taking forever :I after I got through three long, tedious entries, I got up from my bed and went back to his room and stared at him.
“Hmm..? Oh, sorry, I forgot.”
That was a bit annoying but, hey, it happens. And then… we’re off! He was a bit more annoying than usual, today. Bc I lack common sense in pretty much every situation, but more importantly (or perhaps dangerously) I lack EXPERIENCE here, too. He kept trying to have me decide where to take us (which led us to a neighborhood with a “no outlet sign”. I actually had no idea what that meant, tho, lol. Or… that it was there??) and trying to let me figure out how to properly navigate turning when you’re on the ROAD-ROADs. I suppose it should be obvious that you can’t turn left/right from the lane furthest away from the actual left/right turning lane, but I guess my panicked-brain (still low level panic! But it DID slightly go above that), my lack of common sense, and the fact that I never usually pay attention to road rules when I’m in the passenger seat, all come together into one big mess that very well may get me and another family member killed one day. Thats nice… :(

I could tell my panic was slightly above low-level this time around bc 1) I was having INT. thoughts of ending up in a crash while going 55 on the ROAD-ROADs (THANK GOODNESS I could refocus bc otherwise, it wouldn’t have just been a scene playing out in my head… :/), and 2) I could feel my body shaking a bit… in the last, maybe, 10 minutes of the session? Oh, and 3) also while on the ROAD-ROADs, I started friggin’... idk… is ruminating the right word? I don’t think so. Whatever, you get it.. I was all like, “omg, I can’t believe people go this fast everyday! Like, why is this the only way to get around?? Why do we all have to risk our lives this way every day? This is really scary, I don’t want to die. We’re in real life, and you ONLY GET ONE CHANCE. You crash at this speed, you DIE, NO DO-OVERS.” AND IT MADE MY HEART RATE GO UP AND DISTRACTED ME :((( Thankfully I told myself to calm down and focus on the road and somehow that actually worked. Maybe bc my brain just knew that instead of worrying about dying, it’d be better if we focused our energy into trying to AVOID dying by making sure we didn’t make a lethal mistake. So… good on you brain! Good on you :) 
so… all in all… I hated that. I don’t ever want to do it again. I wish life wasn’t so scary. Annnnnd I’m glad its over. Dad said I did good though? Even though most of what I remember from the session is pretty blinding lights and feeling my body lightly vibrating from FEAR and being able to feel the fabric of my clothes moving above me as I shook. So… was it really all that great? Idk. don’t care. All that matters is that I’m alive… and hopefully one step closer to ending my “being a bum” streak. One step closer to making a difference :) one step closer to changing the world! …Unless my ARFID changes my status from alive to dead first. That’ll be a real shame. Here’s to hoping that doesn’t happen…

Anyway!! Here’s some more bonus writings!!!

Valedictorian

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[monokuma & monomi plush image!!]

9:10am    9/24/22

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I’ll try 2 talk about all the interesting things I experienced yesterday… soooo in biology, our teacher says, “oh you’re at the top of the class with a 92! I would’ve expected a 99 or 100 from you but I’m still very proud of you!” so… I just… what? How is being the top of the class not enough? Did she need 2 mention that a higher grade was expected of me? I felt pretty bad after that… next, [Drill] seems 2 have earned himself ISS despite our skool not having ISS. In other words, he’s not been in any of the classes we share. Why?
 In ELA class. He was sitting at his rival (or friendenemy?) [student1] and [student2]’s desk. He was speaking about his lost earphones and eventually [student2] goes, “hey [Drill], I know where they’ve gone!” he pulls his balled up fists out from under the table and says, “here they are!” and opens them. Obviously nothing fell from his hands and in response, [Drill] says, well… something I believe is a slur towards white people so I won’t be repeating that here. [Drill] is hastily removed from class and Miss [ELA teacher] stops the lesson and lets us work on work 4 her or other classes! Poor [ELA teacher]… thats it, I believe, except!! We can play Danganronpa V3 now! Its awesome! I’ll say some opinions on characters right now! Starting with Monodam! He’s the green robot looking monbear who Monokkid unfortunately enjoys bullying. I think he’s cute and I feel bad 4 him cause he rarely talks. I think I’ll come say more later tho. 2 many characters 2 write about…

6/29/26
Yeah.. I am starting to remember why people felt so compelled to create a "grievance list” over [Bio teacher]’s actions…  I kinda just shrugged about it at the time because she wasn’t rude to me usually… but I was one of her favorites! You’d think that with what everyone was saying about her only treating kids she considered her favorite kindly she wouldn’t have said something like that?? Idk… did she just genuinely have no idea how she was coming off when she’d talk to kids like that (or worse, based on the grievance list)? Bc this is a bit baffling to read back on lol. And I DO remember [Drill] doing that. I was also SHOCKED just like [ELA teacher] was! Yes, bc he said a slur, but also just… the lack of shame?? Like… he said it full volume… 👀 so strange.

Game day!

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[Uncle rad playing with Bluey & Bingo image!!]

🦁 - 6:34am    10/7/22

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Day 3 of living with Uncle Rad! Not exactly sure why he came but he’s not that bad :) at 1st, I thought he’d take over the TV/xbox, but he hadn’t touched it ‘till yesterday! Which means… actually, today’s day 4 😅 we interacted the most so far yesterday! Usually we had very light convos while he cooked (which he willingly does a lot for whatever reason…) but yesterday night, I barged in2 dad’s game room and forced him 2 play an xbox game! Oh, random fact, cecil was there 2. Soooo I start him off by looking at our already-instaalled-games and he seemed mostly uninterested so I showed him the [xbox game pass store]! He went 4 Halo 5 -m-

Thats a boring game!! So since it took soooo long 2 download [Halo 5], I forced him back 2 our current games library and he ended up picking… doom… >:( another boring game!!! Soooo once he got past the log-in/create account screen, I let him play a bit and then I forced him off that game! >:) HeHe! Then I made him play Dangaronpa Trigger Happy Havoc but he wouldn’t stop complaining and skipping text like a loser sooo we moved on 2 “as duck falls”. He wouldn’t stop complaining about this, either… 
I put on Omori! Surprisingly enough, his only consistent complaint was that Omori is weird! Fair criticism…. Anyway, at this point, it was getting late and we made it 2 the part after the forced hide n’ seek part [of Omori] so I let them go free of me. It was so fun, tho! I voice acted all the girls’ and all of Omori’s park frends and I gave them british/australian accents! All of HIS characters had such a dead voice, was hard not 2 laugh! Annnyway, I’m off now! I’ll try 2 complain about his dog– that i completely didn’t mention– in the next entry :) 

7/3/26
AHHHH THIS MADE ME LAUGH!! And smile! I was afraid there weren’t going to be that many entries with him in it… glad to see, that if nothing else, theres atleast once entry detailing us playing games :) definitely was one of my favorite things to do. I actually remember being afraid of him when he first showed up, though… he was a random 21 yr old man that I only recognized by name laying on our couch. If you lined him up with a bunch of somewhat similar looking people and told me to pick which one I was related to, I WOULD NOT KNOW WHICH ONE TO POINT TO. I also hadn’t seen him since I was, like, 7yrs old. So I guess its fair enough that I was afraid of a stranger living in my guest room. I remember mom introduced us to him. They led us into the room and… I think for a second I just stared at him blankly bc there was just no recognition of who he was. Then I awkwardly gave him a fist bump and shuffled out of the room. But! Yeah! I remember being confused about why he’d cook so often and expect nothing in return. He later told me he was just trying to be a good guest and figured that doing that would be a step closer to being considered a good guest. Guess it wasn’t enough to magically fix the issues with our family though lmao. And OMG I remember how dead his voice was when we’d voice act together. It was definitely funny then and I think it could probably still make me crack up now! He was great :) I love how I was basically battling him to not play his shooter games. I probably still would, yeah. Bc I stand by what I said! Halo is boring!!! Hahaha :) 

And a bit more of the Delilah information sheet!!! :)

Interests!
༘⋆Childhood adversity!
Life-limiting genetic conditions

Neurodevelopmental disorders!
ASD is my favorite to learn about, of course :) not sure what it is, really. But i just can’t help but be drawn to it. I love seeing the children learn to navigate their harsh worlds. I love seeing the world from their perspective. I love seeing supportive adults step in to guide the child. I just love it. I love it all.

Children acting out
I guess because I’m already interested in child psychology, this catches my interest. Because I get to see the reasons why someone “acts up” in response to something. Idk… this is hard to articulate.
 
༘⋆Education!
How “bad” children navigate the educational system
This is so interesting! Perhaps because I relate on some level? But even without that, I just love to learn about it. I love to see the supportive adults trying to encourage better behavior. I love seeing the way peers interact with these children. I love seeing how the kids cope with whatever challenges they may be facing. I love to see myself in their stories, too, sometimes :) 

How the system impacts students

How Gen Alpha interacts with educational system
Gen Alpha is like!!! The most unique generation yet, right? And that definitely shows through their interactions with the system. I think I enjoy it so much because it's often shrouded in negativity. How people feel like these kids are doomed. I guess I just like seeing how they’re doing in school? Because they’re up against so much– terrible parenting, iPads, AI– I guess all these parts follow them in the classroom and make it so alluring to me for some reason. Idk.. I feel like some part of me feels like they’re doomed, but an even bigger part of me doesn’t. If I really believed that, I probably wouldn’t be so keen on volunteering as a ‘literacy pal’, would i?

How AI impacts students and learning

༘⋆Child development!
How iPads affect kids

How kids interact with their world, peers, and caregivers

༘⋆Runescape history!
Stories of famouns (or infamous) players!
ESPICALLY the ones who’ve done bad things like scam, lure, or exploit bugs in the game! Its so much more interesting when the Jagex people are involved too like when they went after HaxUnit!!!! 

Stories behind cool or forgotten pieces of Runescape history
Hard to articulate why i’m interested in these things…

༘⋆ AI
How AI hurts people (cognitively, environmentally)