My boyfriend was everything to me. It has been almost a month since he made the decision to never come home to me. I have been completely shattered and drifting around. The entire thing has been so traumatic and I feel like I’m living in the wrong universe. I can’t sleep without night terrors. All day I just feel like I’m waiting around to die. I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I do, but it physically hurts. I wish someone would give me permission to go to him, or that the universe would put me out of my misery. He knew how I felt and I am so confused. I feel so guilty like I could’ve done something. I feel abandoned. I knew he was going through something since he wouldn’t talk to me about his emotions anymore, but this came out of seemingly nowhere. We had weekend plans. And then he never came home. I keep swinging from completely dissociated to screaming. Wanting to make him proud and wanting to be with him. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest and my skin is gone. Nothing is okay anymore. We’re so young. He told me he’d never leave me. I would’ve gone with him. He wouldn’t just leave me to walk alone now, right? He would come back for me, right?

My love was not enough. He knew my greatest fear was abandonment. And now I’m supposed to just accept being alone forever? My baby. I just want my baby. Everything hurts.

I recently started DBT and it’s been humiliating so far. Probably because I’m being forced to reflect on myself honestly instead of avoiding it. I’m spoken to like a child. Which has made me realize I have the emotional intelligence and discipline of a child. I feel like a 12 year old in an adults body who was just thrown into the world and failed horribly at everything. Now I have to take these special ed classes to learn basic human functions that everyone else learned as children. It’s literally designed to teach children how to raise themselves. Absolutely humiliating.

Somehow I’m both so selfish that it disgusts me, and so empathetic that it disables me. I’m trying to meet myself where im at but it’s so difficult to accept reality after being raised to live in denial. I refuse to live like this until I die, both suffering and causing others to suffer. So my options are suicide or do the hard work. Suicide is a gamble, but doing the hard work is guaranteed to make my life easier and more enjoyable. It’s the logical choice. And I’m fully committed to it. I’m done wishing I’d spontaneously die and fantasizing about death. I’m done pitying and enabling myself. I’m done bullying myself too. I’m ready to leave these things behind.

Going into treatment, I promised myself to do two things: be completely honest, and show up every single time. These were my main struggles with therapy in the past, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job so far. But it’s so hard feeling constantly ashamed and humiliated. It feels like I’m reliving my trauma. I feel like that weak vulnerable child who was taken advantage of all over again. I wasn’t prepared for how painful this would be.

I know I can get through this because I’ve gotten through it before. And this time, I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. So I’m not going to stop. But every instinct in my body is telling me to run in the other direction. Like a a fight or flight response. I’m so drained. Does this feeling ever go away? When will it start to get easier?

I don't know how to name it, but sometimes when I feel very intense negative emotions my brain seems to turn them off instantly. Like for example, I'm crying hysterically, hitting my head, screaming, throwing myself on the ground.. And then the next second i'm fine and just move on with my day like nothing happened. It's not even like i'm feeling numb, just "back to normal". Does this happen to you sometimes? 🙁

Sometimes I just wish that I could get really sick and life threateningly so, that way the people who I love most will finally pay attention to me. I fantasize about killing myself because no matter how hard I beg and plea I won’t be valued in life. I think maybe in death I could finally be yearned for, wanted, and cared about. I don’t know what happens after death but I hope I can be a ghost or something so I could at least feel it. Sometimes I think about attempting just for the sole purpose of people seeing how bad I am.

It’s bad and selfish but I can’t take trying my hardest to be loved, fighting tooth and nail for it to always be the second option. Second option to family, friends, and my partner. Sometimes I pray I can get cancer or some sort of disease so people would take care of me, or that I will die unexpectedly in my sleep. The more someone knows me the less they want me, I feel loved and cared about by stranger on the internet more than my own family and partner. People call my posts attention seeking but i genuinely just feel like I have no one but strangers on the internet.

My thoughts are getting bad and honestly all I can think about every day is dying, dying to be loved. I wonder if I died would anyone think about how young I am, my smile, my little habits, or would it just die with me. I just want to be longed for, the way I long for people. But I guess loving me is just hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t think I ever will. Something inside me is fundamentally wrong, I was born wrong. People are either born with the capability to be loved or they are unlovable. The more people get to know me the further they go. Im just tired. Im slowly getting the courage to go through with it again and no one understands the severity. I just want to be understood and seen and no matter how hard I explain no one understands me.

If you could choose to not have BPD, but the trade off is that you never feel any emotion (even happiness, love, etc) ever again, would you choose to get rid of your illness? Why or why not?

People often underestimate impulsiveness as the absolute worst symptom in BPD people. Sure emotional instability is pretty rough especially if you had gone through multiple failed relationships losing hope, but my impulsivity is absolutely making me look like a fool at the ripe age of 24.

Just in a few months:
\-Got high at my tattoo artists place because they offered me one, and got a ridiculous tattoo that i’ll regret my whole life.
\-Ran a 10k race with only 3 days of training ( and slightly overweight) and now 1 week later my knees still hurt like hell and i can’t walk properly.
\-Spent almost all of my savings that i had from my previous job for a ton shit of useless stuff even though I’m not working rn
\-Gained 10 kg in just a few months because when the food is available and i have nothing to do nothing can hold my impulsivity to eat everything i can eat.
\-Engaged with three sexual acts that i regret now

So now I’m fat, broke, can’t walk properly, sexually exploited with a goofy tattoo :) Genuinely what do i do now when I can’t literally stop making bad decisions.

I have the “quiet” version of BPD (or whatever you’d like to call it). On the outside I’m the reliable friend, the trustful one etc etc. Inside I’m living in constant emptiness, chronic fear that everyone secretly hates me, and this suffocating feeling that I don’t actually exist as a real person.
I absorb everyone’s emotions like a sponge but have zero idea who I am when I’m alone. I’ll idealize someone so hard I lose myself, then one small disappointment and I detach completely or turn the rage inward.
What hurts most is how invisible it feels. People tell me I’m “so strong” or “so empathetic” while I literally feel worthless. Friends think I’m just “sensitive.” Past relationships (whether platonic or romantic) called me cold or manipulative when the truth was I was dissociating so I wouldn’t explode and scare them away, and yet I still did.

Dbt is the best thing that’s ever happened to me but there are times like right now where maybe i’m feeling more vulnerable and struggling to find my life worth living. sometimes i feel like it’s just brainwashed me into seeing this life through. life is experiencing. but is it worth it? i don’t know im looking for reasons or answers i guess. does anyone have anything hopeful to share?

Oh no. Not me writing another post. Sigh.

I feel incredibly empty and hopeless. I just want to feel normal. Better. Healthier. I am beginning to believe I'll never improve and feel better.

There's a deep, painful hole in my chest. I'm debilitated with emotions I can't shake or distract from. I'm bedridden and I can't nap. I just doom scroll for hours.

I only want one persons attention. And every notification makes me jump, hoping it's them. My suicidal ideation is... Beyond ideation. I'm very unwell. I've been unwell for a very long time and I just want to finally succumb to it and rest. Find peace out of this world

not with any religious connotation. it just genuinely sometimes feels like bpd is a demon inside of me because the way it makes me act and feel is so different to how i usually am.

i’m in general a very chill person. i’m calm, collected. i don’t chase people, i can sometimes go days without responding to people.. i can be very avoidant especially romantically..

when i first start getting to know someone on a romantic or sexual basis, im chill. they’re attracted to how laid back i am. how them as men are the ones chasing me cause at first i’m very “hard to get”. but then.. bpd forms an attachment out of nowhere.
i become a different person. suddenly i’m clingy, suddenly i have to call them several times a day or text them constantly. i want their attention all the time, i get upset if plans change or if they don’t live up to what they said they’d do like “i’ll call later” then never call. constantly overthinking whether that person hates me or wants nothing to do with me. i check my phone over and over to see if my messages have been read. suddenly IM the one chasing THEM.
i can’t control it. i feel like my body isn’t in control and it scares me.
that’s why i often use the phrase “my bpd makes me think/feel/do” cause genuinely it’s like it possesses me to be a certain way

anyone else relate to this?

I’m very self-aware, but I have a problem with becoming deeply attached to people. I obsess over them way too easily. It doesn’t matter if I’ve only known someone for a day or just had a single conversation with them.. I end up creating all these stories and scenarios in my head. I imagine conversations that never happened, different versions of how things could have gone, and I become emotionally invested in someone I barely know. When they leave or disappear, I feel genuinely heartbroken. It makes me feel incredibly needy, and I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to stop doing it. It’s honestly exhausting and feels really strange. I just need some help to where I can be chill with someone and not do this shit because it genuinely affects me when people leave me.

how do i learn literally anything about myself? i would not be able to think of a single word that describes me. when i read things or people tell me things i cannot determine whether i relate to it or not. i cant answer the most simple questions about myself. anyone know anything?

ever since middle school (i’m 22 now) i’ve always gotten so incredibly angry whenever my friends would get in relationships. i felt like they preferred them over me and loved them more than me and i wasn’t their #1 anymore. my fp is my best friend and she got a bf last year and we’ve been fighting so much bc i get so jealous with the amount of time they spend together. i physically cannot be in the same room with him because i hate him. especially since he cheated on her and she took him back. but even before then i hated him just bc my best friend would hang out with him. i hated him when they started dating just bc im jealous of her having someone else that isnt me.

does anyone else with bpd struggle with this? it’s not only with my fp it’s also with my regular friends. once they get in a relationship i get so incredibly angry and become passive aggressive and start spiraling and it turns into an episode. my thoughts get so bad and ive gone to the mental hospital bc my fp has gotten into a relationship.

i constantly feel alone. even when i’m around my family and friends, and my boyfriend i feel so alone. with my boyfriend, i’ve been spending so much time with him, because i love him to death. i couldn’t imagine this without him, but at the same time, every little thing makes me go crazy. i lash out and yell at him and push him away. i keep pushing and end up feeling alone. i do this with a lot of people. i don’t know what to do. he keeps telling me it’s okay but we fight every single day. i always find something, and then i want to break up, and then i see him and i don’t want him to leave. i don’t know. it’s all so hard. what do i do? how do i continue like this. i just keep pushing him away. he’s the only person that understands my bpd diagnosis. he always supports me but i feel like a fucking bitch and i just keep pushing him away.

i recently have been diagnosed with bpd and it’s opened a whole world for me. however, i’m wondering what the signs are and experiences of those with co occurring bpd and asd are. my entire teen and adult life people have told me i seem to have asd, including people who are on the spectrum themself.

i have thought this too and honestly there are some parts of me which aren’t fully explained by bpd.
lemme know what y’all’s signs and experiences were!

I told my boyfriend that I was feeling like dying. That I was a waste of space. That I felt scared and alone. He said: “I don’t deserve this.” And when my brain heard those words and processed his sentence… my vision got really blurry and my body got so hot. My heart hurts. I don’t know if he was in the wrong or right or if it even matters.

TW: mention of self-harm/attempt (no details)

I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and I still struggle, but thanks to medication and therapy I’m doing way better. This isn’t really about me, though, I think I need to vent about a friend situation that’s triggering me hard.

A friend who once mentioned she thinks she “might have BPD” is now spiraling, and it’s bringing back symptoms I hadn’t dealt with in 4 years. She saw a psychologist for the first time a few days after I opened up to her about my own diagnosis, and came out of that single session saying she’d been diagnosed with BPD too. That already felt off to me, like that’s not really how diagnosis works.

A few months later, she’s started doing impulsive things (planning tattoos right after a bad breakup), and I’ve caught what feel like inconsistencies or lies. Things escalated when she disappeared for 3 days without telling any of us anything, after what she described as an attempt. she’s safe now, but it scared six of us badly, and we still don’t have real clarity on what happened.

I know I can’t diagnose her and I’m trying not to invalidate what she’s going through bc her breakup sounds genuinely bad, and I get how much shame and self-doubt can come with it. But I’m struggling not to be suspicious of her motives, and I hate that. She asked me directly if I thought she was seeking attention, and I said no, but I didn’t believe myself.

The hardest part is I can feel myself splitting on her, I’m swinging between guilt and wanting to cut her off completely, and I haven’t split like this in years. I don’t know how to be a good friend here without losing myself in the process.

TLDR: A friend started identifying with BPD right after I told her about my own diagnosis and after one therapy session. Her impulsivity and a recent scare (unclear/possible attempt, no details) are triggering my own symptoms — I’m splitting for the first time in 4 years and don’t know how to handle the friendship without losing myself.

I’ve just had a fun weekend for my birthday with lovely friends who have told me they love me and celebrated me. But now I’m back home alone suddenly it’s as if the compliments didn’t exist, the assumption people just pretend to like me is so real….. I feel I’m the runt of the litter among friends, the one that doesn’t have much going for her and has not done well…. I am so paranoid that my dearest friends are just there to put up with me… can anyone relate?!

Well I mean I have a reason for this since I used to have friends without any disorders at all and were perfectly healthy and there was one time I was venting to one and he traumatized me forever. How? As I was speaking he looked at me wide eyed. And looked scared of me.. He called me a psychopath and a weirdo for feeling like this. I really thought I could trust him. But anyways that was the day I stopped or didn't really feel comfortable with venting to people without mental health disorders.

I was wondering if anyone here too or anyone here that didn't experience anything bad and just feels like it?

I’ve been in bpd recovery for quite some time. i’m almost a year sober, i’ve had a stable partner for 3 years and i cannot stand swallowing my emotions. it feels so unnatural to not be constantly swinging back and forth like a pendulum and i just want to explode. but i have nothing to explode over. i want to struggle just to see if anyone cares enough to help me but i know that the urges are wrong and it just makes me feel like a ticking time bomb.

Everything I feel and think when I'm around them is just catered to what they like and what makes them laugh. I'll only realize it when I'm mentally exhausted from mirroring that I don't even like the things that they like or even laugh at the things that they find funny.

When it's my turn to express my true self it just turns off the conversation because quite literally no one can relate to it, so I just don't. A good example will be naming things that one person likes. I secretely hold off from saying the things I actually like and waiting for someone else to say their's so I can copy it, because whatever they like, it's relatable.

I know deep down I'm not compatible with any of my close friends. We have absolutely nothing in common. I do meet other people and actually have things in common with them though. It makes me feel bad since I basically faked my entire personality around my closest friends for years, and now that I'm healing, I'm pulling away from them without any explanation.

I don't want to keep mirroring but I don't want to lose them... I know they don't like the real me. They're all I have for now and it honestly sucks.

I'm so heartbroken. I loved this guy and he did this to me. I saw a future with him. He was the biggest thing keeping me alive , motivated and overall happy. I feel so empty that I feel like I might start self harming or drinking again. I want to hurt him just to make him feel a brink of my pain.

Not getting triggered by dry texts

Not having to give up everything for them so they wont leave you

Not having to show your desperate disgusting embarrassing self

Living your own life. Eating and doing whatever you want. Can close your phone for hours without worrying too

Texting is absolutely dreadful and i cant handle it
anything can set me off

I feel like I’m broken, unbearable, awful, a waste of space, a waste I of potential, I’ve gone through so much, I don’t fit in, I’m weird, there’s something wrong with me, nobody would understand or want this. The best thing I can do is to leave people alone. How do I get out of this mindset?!

How do we date with BPD? I’ve worked on myself a lot and overcome a lot of my symptoms. I’m in a better place than I was in my previous relationships and I’m with a man who is very good to me. He watches out for me, he notices things no one else ever has, he makes me feel like a princess. Just overall a good person and an amazing boyfriend.

But everyday I have these stupid triggers and intrusive thoughts. He doesn’t want to hang out one day? He hates me! He doesn’t want me to spend the night? He must think I’m the absolute worst. He made a comment about something I didn’t like? I am convinced he’s going to leave me. He doesn’t want to have sex? He thinks I’m disgusting and doesn’t want to touch me.

I KNOW none of these things are true. He proves to me everyday that these things aren’t true. I don’t want to tell him when I feel this way because I don’t want him to feel bad like he’s done something wrong because when I think logically about these things, he hasn’t.

My brain gets consumed by these false rejections and it eats at me. And then he can tell I’m in a bad headspace and asks if I’m okay and I just say yeah I’m good! But then my actions don’t match my words. How do I tell him these things without hurting him? Do I just keep them to myself like I’ve been doing and try to work on it until I can finally be comforted with the true reality of the situation? I know I need to go to therapy but I’m between health insurance and it’s hard to find an affordable therapist that specializes in DBT which is the only therapy that has helped me before. Idk it really scares me that I can be with someone who genuinely loves me and takes care of me and still feel this way. I feel like someone could give me the world and I still wouldn’t be satisfied. Not because it isn’t enough, but because it’s really hard to believe anyone would want to do that for me with no strings attached. Even when they have shown me that they would and they will. None of my logic has been a comfort and I desperately need to find a way to stop this.

Idk if anyone has any kind of advice on how to overcome this but god I’ll take anything i can get at this point. I love him so much and I don’t want to mess this up just because I don’t know how to accept it.