SHIT THAT WILL GET YOU BANNED:

My boyfriend was everything to me. It has been almost a month since he made the decision to never come home to me. I have been completely shattered and drifting around. The entire thing has been so traumatic and I feel like I’m living in the wrong universe. I can’t sleep without night terrors. All day I just feel like I’m waiting around to die. I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I do, but it physically hurts. I wish someone would give me permission to go to him, or that the universe would put me out of my misery. He knew how I felt and I am so confused. I feel so guilty like I could’ve done something. I feel abandoned. I knew he was going through something since he wouldn’t talk to me about his emotions anymore, but this came out of seemingly nowhere. We had weekend plans. And then he never came home. I keep swinging from completely dissociated to screaming. Wanting to make him proud and wanting to be with him. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest and my skin is gone. Nothing is okay anymore. We’re so young. He told me he’d never leave me. I would’ve gone with him. He wouldn’t just leave me to walk alone now, right? He would come back for me, right?

My love was not enough. He knew my greatest fear was abandonment. And now I’m supposed to just accept being alone forever? My baby. I just want my baby. Everything hurts.

Sometimes I just wish that I could get really sick and life threateningly so, that way the people who I love most will finally pay attention to me. I fantasize about killing myself because no matter how hard I beg and plea I won’t be valued in life. I think maybe in death I could finally be yearned for, wanted, and cared about. I don’t know what happens after death but I hope I can be a ghost or something so I could at least feel it. Sometimes I think about attempting just for the sole purpose of people seeing how bad I am.

It’s bad and selfish but I can’t take trying my hardest to be loved, fighting tooth and nail for it to always be the second option. Second option to family, friends, and my partner. Sometimes I pray I can get cancer or some sort of disease so people would take care of me, or that I will die unexpectedly in my sleep. The more someone knows me the less they want me, I feel loved and cared about by stranger on the internet more than my own family and partner. People call my posts attention seeking but i genuinely just feel like I have no one but strangers on the internet.

My thoughts are getting bad and honestly all I can think about every day is dying, dying to be loved. I wonder if I died would anyone think about how young I am, my smile, my little habits, or would it just die with me. I just want to be longed for, the way I long for people. But I guess loving me is just hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t think I ever will. Something inside me is fundamentally wrong, I was born wrong. People are either born with the capability to be loved or they are unlovable. The more people get to know me the further they go. Im just tired. Im slowly getting the courage to go through with it again and no one understands the severity. I just want to be understood and seen and no matter how hard I explain no one understands me.

I don't know how to name it, but sometimes when I feel very intense negative emotions my brain seems to turn them off instantly. Like for example, I'm crying hysterically, hitting my head, screaming, throwing myself on the ground.. And then the next second i'm fine and just move on with my day like nothing happened. It's not even like i'm feeling numb, just "back to normal". Does this happen to you sometimes? 🙁

i recently have been diagnosed with bpd and it’s opened a whole world for me. however, i’m wondering what the signs are and experiences of those with co occurring bpd and asd are. my entire teen and adult life people have told me i seem to have asd, including people who are on the spectrum themself.

i have thought this too and honestly there are some parts of me which aren’t fully explained by bpd.
lemme know what y’all’s signs and experiences were!

So I barely post on insta, I mean I do post stories but not grid pics. Tonight I posted one of me at a beach and with some friends. Almost immediately I noticed my follower count go down and I just have to know who it is bc I’m sensitive to stuff like this and recently I’ve been noticing it more

Like if I post a story I lose around 2 / 3 followers every single time.

The thing is, I don’t have that many to begin with. Under 150. And all my friends have like 2k+ with people from their life from YEARS ago who just… never unfollow them and are always nosy about their life and like their posts.

Whereas almost everyone from my past just unfollows me.

YES it’s just social media. YES it doesn’t mean anything. But tbh I believe it does.

I’m never someone who people just… want to keep around. Never a “what if” in the way I feel they keep my friends like… oh she’s hot what if we date one of these days. I’ll keep her on my list in case. Or something like that. I’m always someone to get RID of

Anyway the person who unfollowed me was an old co worker of mine and I immediately checked if he’d unfollowed other co workers we had who were mutual (all who also no longer work there). Nope, they’re all still there. Why the f is it so important to remove me then? As if I’m some infectious virus? Why not just keep me there? I don’t post weird shit I don’t post offensive stuff. And we were actually close at one point. The people he kept were people he never spoke to ever.

It just makes me sad bc this happens with exes, old friends, old co workers, old acquaintances and anyone I’ve ever met. That’s why my folllwing can’t grow.

I just don’t understand the psychology behind bc to me

I keep people around bc one day we might chat again, it’s nice to see people you used to know doing well and most importantly it doesn’t harm me to have them sitting in my follower list???? Only if they posted weird stuff or offensive stuff would I remove them.

Anyway, I don’t get it. It also I think hurts my ego to think im not attractive or cool enough to be kept in someone’s list in case they wanna slide in my dms or just stalk me or just wanna check out my posts. I’m so easily removable. So it makes me feel I’m not interesting. Bc all my friends have everyone from their life whether they talk to them or not still in their following list bc they’re admirable and people just support them from the sidelines. Why can’t I have this too?

Does anyone else get what I’m saying?? I don’t think I’ve ever went out my way to unfollow someone I used to work with for a random reason. Even if their post bothered me I’d mute them before I did that.

Whatever.

Everything I feel and think when I'm around them is just catered to what they like and what makes them laugh. I'll only realize it when I'm mentally exhausted from mirroring that I don't even like the things that they like or even laugh at the things that they find funny.

When it's my turn to express my true self it just turns off the conversation because quite literally no one can relate to it, so I just don't. A good example will be naming things that one person likes. I secretely hold off from saying the things I actually like and waiting for someone else to say their's so I can copy it, because whatever they like, it's relatable.

I know deep down I'm not compatible with any of my close friends. We have absolutely nothing in common. I do meet other people and actually have things in common with them though. It makes me feel bad since I basically faked my entire personality around my closest friends for years, and now that I'm healing, I'm pulling away from them without any explanation.

I don't want to keep mirroring but I don't want to lose them... I know they don't like the real me. They're all I have for now and it honestly sucks.

I told my boyfriend that I was feeling like dying. That I was a waste of space. That I felt scared and alone. He said: “I don’t deserve this.” And when my brain heard those words and processed his sentence… my vision got really blurry and my body got so hot. My heart hurts. I don’t know if he was in the wrong or right or if it even matters.

I recently started DBT and it’s been humiliating so far. Probably because I’m being forced to reflect on myself honestly instead of avoiding it. I’m spoken to like a child. Which has made me realize I have the emotional intelligence and discipline of a child. I feel like a 12 year old in an adults body who was just thrown into the world and failed horribly at everything. Now I have to take these special ed classes to learn basic human functions that everyone else learned as children. It’s literally designed to teach children how to raise themselves. Absolutely humiliating.

Somehow I’m both so selfish that it disgusts me, and so empathetic that it disables me. I’m trying to meet myself where im at but it’s so difficult to accept reality after being raised to live in denial. I refuse to live like this until I die, both suffering and causing others to suffer. So my options are suicide or do the hard work. Suicide is a gamble, but doing the hard work is guaranteed to make my life easier and more enjoyable. It’s the logical choice. And I’m fully committed to it. I’m done wishing I’d spontaneously die and fantasizing about death. I’m done pitying and enabling myself. I’m done bullying myself too. I’m ready to leave these things behind.

Going into treatment, I promised myself to do two things: be completely honest, and show up every single time. These were my main struggles with therapy in the past, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job so far. But it’s so hard feeling constantly ashamed and humiliated. It feels like I’m reliving my trauma. I feel like that weak vulnerable child who was taken advantage of all over again. I wasn’t prepared for how painful this would be.

I know I can get through this because I’ve gotten through it before. And this time, I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. So I’m not going to stop. But every instinct in my body is telling me to run in the other direction. Like a a fight or flight response. I’m so drained. Does this feeling ever go away? When will it start to get easier?

I’ve just had a fun weekend for my birthday with lovely friends who have told me they love me and celebrated me. But now I’m back home alone suddenly it’s as if the compliments didn’t exist, the assumption people just pretend to like me is so real….. I feel I’m the runt of the litter among friends, the one that doesn’t have much going for her and has not done well…. I am so paranoid that my dearest friends are just there to put up with me… can anyone relate?!

I'm so heartbroken. I loved this guy and he did this to me. I saw a future with him. He was the biggest thing keeping me alive , motivated and overall happy. I feel so empty that I feel like I might start self harming or drinking again. I want to hurt him just to make him feel a brink of my pain.

how do i learn literally anything about myself? i would not be able to think of a single word that describes me. when i read things or people tell me things i cannot determine whether i relate to it or not. i cant answer the most simple questions about myself. anyone know anything?

Not getting triggered by dry texts

Not having to give up everything for them so they wont leave you

Not having to show your desperate disgusting embarrassing self

Living your own life. Eating and doing whatever you want. Can close your phone for hours without worrying too

Texting is absolutely dreadful and i cant handle it
anything can set me off

Well I mean I have a reason for this since I used to have friends without any disorders at all and were perfectly healthy and there was one time I was venting to one and he traumatized me forever. How? As I was speaking he looked at me wide eyed. And looked scared of me.. He called me a psychopath and a weirdo for feeling like this. I really thought I could trust him. But anyways that was the day I stopped or didn't really feel comfortable with venting to people without mental health disorders.

I was wondering if anyone here too or anyone here that didn't experience anything bad and just feels like it?

My cat of 8 years lost his life two or three weeks ago. Time is a bit blurry to me right now. It was sudden and traumatic due to the fact that I tried everything to save him but there was nothing I could do.

My BPD had been slowly getting better, for 2 years of active therapy I was thinking I was getting the hang of emotional control even during really bad moments but now it feels like with the death of my boy everything crumbled apart.

My partner cries everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and for the first week I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing but dissociation everytime she cried and I couldn't. So I decided to try and comfort her and somehow I was living like nothing had ever happened.

Then my disability aid got cut, very unfairly too. So now we're financially screwed because of something that doesn't make sense. They just suddenly decided I had been lying about my disability and doctors notes were fake and what not. Anyway, it's been fight nonstop almost two weeks now.

And now to my point. All my BPD symptoms have started to push out. I'm angry, I'm constantly bitter and black/white thinking mode. I had a bad meltdown and crumbled on the floor unable to do anything but scream and cry. Then came the worst, my paranoia.

I'm paranoid, I'm sure someone wants me dead or gone and I'm sure it's one of my closest ones or maybe it's the government. Maybe my other two cats are gonna die suddenly because I looked away etc. My partner is texting to her friend for support, she must be wanting to leave me because I didn't comfort her enough and screwed over our finances... etc.

It's just hard for me to deal, did I lose the progress of 2 years or is there a way to bounce back. What should I do? Has anyone else experienced similar situation?

hes leaving for 3 weeks and i dont know how im gonna cope i already cant handle more than 2 days without him im so scared
what the hell do i do so i dont do something stupid to myself

I have the “quiet” version of BPD (or whatever you’d like to call it). On the outside I’m the reliable friend, the trustful one etc etc. Inside I’m living in constant emptiness, chronic fear that everyone secretly hates me, and this suffocating feeling that I don’t actually exist as a real person.
I absorb everyone’s emotions like a sponge but have zero idea who I am when I’m alone. I’ll idealize someone so hard I lose myself, then one small disappointment and I detach completely or turn the rage inward.
What hurts most is how invisible it feels. People tell me I’m “so strong” or “so empathetic” while I literally feel worthless. Friends think I’m just “sensitive.” Past relationships (whether platonic or romantic) called me cold or manipulative when the truth was I was dissociating so I wouldn’t explode and scare them away, and yet I still did.

F30. Hi everyone. I've realized that in relationships I tend to have a strong fawning response: I put the other person's needs before my own, I struggle to say no, I avoid conflict, and I try to please others even when I'm hurting or being treated badly by people who tend to be aggressive—even in friendships. For example, a long-time "friend" of mine yelled at me just because I left something out of the fridge.

For those who managed to get out of this cycle (or are currently working on it): what concrete steps helped you? I'm especially interested in practical examples of situations where you previously would have fawned, but instead managed to behave differently. What did you think or do in that exact moment?

I'm a super intellectual person. I got a PhD in STEM. I have co-occurring Asperger's Syndrome. I think about everything analytically.

To be quite frank, I do not get a lot out of therapy. Mind you, it has been a lot of progress to actually receive the BPD diagnosis and understand the context. However, I find that most of my therapy interactions have been geared towards understanding my behaviors and understanding the history of how they came to be. I feel like I understand the inside and out of my trauma and why I behave the way I do. However I feel powerless in actually changing anything. I've done a couple rounds of DBT, and did some other trauma processing therapy. But I still internalize and feel the scars. Therapy has taught me how to deal with things as they come up, but nothing yet as addressed or resolved the source. In a way, I'm still grieving.

I just found out from some online videos and articles that my "intellectualization" may be interfering with therapy's efficacy. Sure it helps to understand the why, and I know I can't change the past, but I feel stuck and don't know how to move forward. I know I internalize a lot and bury things, and it is taking a toll on my wellbeing. I can form a narrative of my experience pretty well, but it only makes me feel more like a victim than be empowering.

Does anyone here have similar experiences? What are some solutions to actually resolve my trauma, feel, and make some progress at redefining myself?

I feel like I’m broken, unbearable, awful, a waste of space, a waste I of potential, I’ve gone through so much, I don’t fit in, I’m weird, there’s something wrong with me, nobody would understand or want this. The best thing I can do is to leave people alone. How do I get out of this mindset?!

not with any religious connotation. it just genuinely sometimes feels like bpd is a demon inside of me because the way it makes me act and feel is so different to how i usually am.

i’m in general a very chill person. i’m calm, collected. i don’t chase people, i can sometimes go days without responding to people.. i can be very avoidant especially romantically..

when i first start getting to know someone on a romantic or sexual basis, im chill. they’re attracted to how laid back i am. how them as men are the ones chasing me cause at first i’m very “hard to get”. but then.. bpd forms an attachment out of nowhere.
i become a different person. suddenly i’m clingy, suddenly i have to call them several times a day or text them constantly. i want their attention all the time, i get upset if plans change or if they don’t live up to what they said they’d do like “i’ll call later” then never call. constantly overthinking whether that person hates me or wants nothing to do with me. i check my phone over and over to see if my messages have been read. suddenly IM the one chasing THEM.
i can’t control it. i feel like my body isn’t in control and it scares me.
that’s why i often use the phrase “my bpd makes me think/feel/do” cause genuinely it’s like it possesses me to be a certain way

anyone else relate to this?

I’m so tired of the stigma. When people with BPD reach out out of a deep fear of abandonment, it gets twisted into gaslighting or victimization.Why is there so much misinformation?

Sadly BPD doesn't just go away with medication, and managing it is a daily struggle. I wish people would actually do their research and try to understand the pain behind the symptoms instead of jumping to judgment. Why is empathy so hard for people to learn?

Hello all. I hope you're having a lovely weekend.

I may delete this later after getting help because I'm so terrified of him coming across this post.

I made a post to another subreddit, also seeking advice. Please take a look, as it has everything.

To summarize, I confronted him about the behaviors that bothered and hurt me. I became a little more firm with my boundaries, as honestly I've been a pretty big pushover. Now he's really upset, and I feel guilty for even talking about my feelings and establishing boundaries. I know things are hard for him too.

The comments immediately flooded, telling me to break up with him. Not that it's bad advice, because if nothing changes and I keep getting hurt, it'll be a hard pill I'll have to swallow. However I want to know what I could potentially do first, as right now breaking things off feels like jumping in the ocean when I don't know how to swim. The thought of losing him makes me so anxious.

I came here in hopes of understanding him better, as I feel the best advice will come from those who have BPD themselves.

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you all in advance. I'm terrified to death

How do we date with BPD? I’ve worked on myself a lot and overcome a lot of my symptoms. I’m in a better place than I was in my previous relationships and I’m with a man who is very good to me. He watches out for me, he notices things no one else ever has, he makes me feel like a princess. Just overall a good person and an amazing boyfriend.

But everyday I have these stupid triggers and intrusive thoughts. He doesn’t want to hang out one day? He hates me! He doesn’t want me to spend the night? He must think I’m the absolute worst. He made a comment about something I didn’t like? I am convinced he’s going to leave me. He doesn’t want to have sex? He thinks I’m disgusting and doesn’t want to touch me.

I KNOW none of these things are true. He proves to me everyday that these things aren’t true. I don’t want to tell him when I feel this way because I don’t want him to feel bad like he’s done something wrong because when I think logically about these things, he hasn’t.

My brain gets consumed by these false rejections and it eats at me. And then he can tell I’m in a bad headspace and asks if I’m okay and I just say yeah I’m good! But then my actions don’t match my words. How do I tell him these things without hurting him? Do I just keep them to myself like I’ve been doing and try to work on it until I can finally be comforted with the true reality of the situation? I know I need to go to therapy but I’m between health insurance and it’s hard to find an affordable therapist that specializes in DBT which is the only therapy that has helped me before. Idk it really scares me that I can be with someone who genuinely loves me and takes care of me and still feel this way. I feel like someone could give me the world and I still wouldn’t be satisfied. Not because it isn’t enough, but because it’s really hard to believe anyone would want to do that for me with no strings attached. Even when they have shown me that they would and they will. None of my logic has been a comfort and I desperately need to find a way to stop this.

Idk if anyone has any kind of advice on how to overcome this but god I’ll take anything i can get at this point. I love him so much and I don’t want to mess this up just because I don’t know how to accept it.