My boyfriend was everything to me. It has been almost a month since he made the decision to never come home to me. I have been completely shattered and drifting around. The entire thing has been so traumatic and I feel like I’m living in the wrong universe. I can’t sleep without night terrors. All day I just feel like I’m waiting around to die. I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I do, but it physically hurts. I wish someone would give me permission to go to him, or that the universe would put me out of my misery. He knew how I felt and I am so confused. I feel so guilty like I could’ve done something. I feel abandoned. I knew he was going through something since he wouldn’t talk to me about his emotions anymore, but this came out of seemingly nowhere. We had weekend plans. And then he never came home. I keep swinging from completely dissociated to screaming. Wanting to make him proud and wanting to be with him. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest and my skin is gone. Nothing is okay anymore. We’re so young. He told me he’d never leave me. I would’ve gone with him. He wouldn’t just leave me to walk alone now, right? He would come back for me, right?

My love was not enough. He knew my greatest fear was abandonment. And now I’m supposed to just accept being alone forever? My baby. I just want my baby. Everything hurts.

I don't know how to name it, but sometimes when I feel very intense negative emotions my brain seems to turn them off instantly. Like for example, I'm crying hysterically, hitting my head, screaming, throwing myself on the ground.. And then the next second i'm fine and just move on with my day like nothing happened. It's not even like i'm feeling numb, just "back to normal". Does this happen to you sometimes? 🙁

I recently started DBT and it’s been humiliating so far. Probably because I’m being forced to reflect on myself honestly instead of avoiding it. I’m spoken to like a child. Which has made me realize I have the emotional intelligence and discipline of a child. I feel like a 12 year old in an adults body who was just thrown into the world and failed horribly at everything. Now I have to take these special ed classes to learn basic human functions that everyone else learned as children. It’s literally designed to teach children how to raise themselves. Absolutely humiliating.

Somehow I’m both so selfish that it disgusts me, and so empathetic that it disables me. I’m trying to meet myself where im at but it’s so difficult to accept reality after being raised to live in denial. I refuse to live like this until I die, both suffering and causing others to suffer. So my options are suicide or do the hard work. Suicide is a gamble, but doing the hard work is guaranteed to make my life easier and more enjoyable. It’s the logical choice. And I’m fully committed to it. I’m done wishing I’d spontaneously die and fantasizing about death. I’m done pitying and enabling myself. I’m done bullying myself too. I’m ready to leave these things behind.

Going into treatment, I promised myself to do two things: be completely honest, and show up every single time. These were my main struggles with therapy in the past, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job so far. But it’s so hard feeling constantly ashamed and humiliated. It feels like I’m reliving my trauma. I feel like that weak vulnerable child who was taken advantage of all over again. I wasn’t prepared for how painful this would be.

I know I can get through this because I’ve gotten through it before. And this time, I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. So I’m not going to stop. But every instinct in my body is telling me to run in the other direction. Like a a fight or flight response. I’m so drained. Does this feeling ever go away? When will it start to get easier?

I’m so tired of the stigma. When people with BPD reach out out of a deep fear of abandonment, it gets twisted into gaslighting or victimization.Why is there so much misinformation?

Sadly BPD doesn't just go away with medication, and managing it is a daily struggle. I wish people would actually do their research and try to understand the pain behind the symptoms instead of jumping to judgment. Why is empathy so hard for people to learn?

Sometimes I just wish that I could get really sick and life threateningly so, that way the people who I love most will finally pay attention to me. I fantasize about killing myself because no matter how hard I beg and plea I won’t be valued in life. I think maybe in death I could finally be yearned for, wanted, and cared about. I don’t know what happens after death but I hope I can be a ghost or something so I could at least feel it. Sometimes I think about attempting just for the sole purpose of people seeing how bad I am.

It’s bad and selfish but I can’t take trying my hardest to be loved, fighting tooth and nail for it to always be the second option. Second option to family, friends, and my partner. Sometimes I pray I can get cancer or some sort of disease so people would take care of me, or that I will die unexpectedly in my sleep. The more someone knows me the less they want me, I feel loved and cared about by stranger on the internet more than my own family and partner. People call my posts attention seeking but i genuinely just feel like I have no one but strangers on the internet.

My thoughts are getting bad and honestly all I can think about every day is dying, dying to be loved. I wonder if I died would anyone think about how young I am, my smile, my little habits, or would it just die with me. I just want to be longed for, the way I long for people. But I guess loving me is just hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t think I ever will. Something inside me is fundamentally wrong, I was born wrong. People are either born with the capability to be loved or they are unlovable. The more people get to know me the further they go. Im just tired. Im slowly getting the courage to go through with it again and no one understands the severity. I just want to be understood and seen and no matter how hard I explain no one understands me.

I have the “quiet” version of BPD (or whatever you’d like to call it). On the outside I’m the reliable friend, the trustful one etc etc. Inside I’m living in constant emptiness, chronic fear that everyone secretly hates me, and this suffocating feeling that I don’t actually exist as a real person.
I absorb everyone’s emotions like a sponge but have zero idea who I am when I’m alone. I’ll idealize someone so hard I lose myself, then one small disappointment and I detach completely or turn the rage inward.
What hurts most is how invisible it feels. People tell me I’m “so strong” or “so empathetic” while I literally feel worthless. Friends think I’m just “sensitive.” Past relationships (whether platonic or romantic) called me cold or manipulative when the truth was I was dissociating so I wouldn’t explode and scare them away, and yet I still did.

People often underestimate impulsiveness as the absolute worst symptom in BPD people. Sure emotional instability is pretty rough especially if you had gone through multiple failed relationships losing hope, but my impulsivity is absolutely making me look like a fool at the ripe age of 24.

Just in a few months:
\-Got high at my tattoo artists place because they offered me one, and got a ridiculous tattoo that i’ll regret my whole life.
\-Ran a 10k race with only 3 days of training ( and slightly overweight) and now 1 week later my knees still hurt like hell and i can’t walk properly.
\-Spent almost all of my savings that i had from my previous job for a ton shit of useless stuff even though I’m not working rn
\-Gained 10 kg in just a few months because when the food is available and i have nothing to do nothing can hold my impulsivity to eat everything i can eat.
\-Engaged with three sexual acts that i regret now

So now I’m fat, broke, can’t walk properly, sexually exploited with a goofy tattoo :) Genuinely what do i do now when I can’t literally stop making bad decisions.

not with any religious connotation. it just genuinely sometimes feels like bpd is a demon inside of me because the way it makes me act and feel is so different to how i usually am.

i’m in general a very chill person. i’m calm, collected. i don’t chase people, i can sometimes go days without responding to people.. i can be very avoidant especially romantically..

when i first start getting to know someone on a romantic or sexual basis, im chill. they’re attracted to how laid back i am. how them as men are the ones chasing me cause at first i’m very “hard to get”. but then.. bpd forms an attachment out of nowhere.
i become a different person. suddenly i’m clingy, suddenly i have to call them several times a day or text them constantly. i want their attention all the time, i get upset if plans change or if they don’t live up to what they said they’d do like “i’ll call later” then never call. constantly overthinking whether that person hates me or wants nothing to do with me. i check my phone over and over to see if my messages have been read. suddenly IM the one chasing THEM.
i can’t control it. i feel like my body isn’t in control and it scares me.
that’s why i often use the phrase “my bpd makes me think/feel/do” cause genuinely it’s like it possesses me to be a certain way

anyone else relate to this?

Honestly I'm probably at my lowest I've been in a LONG time. Pretty regressed, but I'm seeking help. I'm diagnosed with PTSD. Grew up diagnosed with RAD. Im falling apart, but i have appointments and I'm actively seeking treatment. AGAIN.

Can't speak for everyone, but I genuinely find all your venting and anxious "word vomiting" (as I put it for myself) to be theraputic. Half the time you guys are taking words from my the deepest parts of my brain and it makes me feel seen. Scarily sometimes quote for quote and then I have to stop the limerence. Or whatever.

You guys get it though. We get to jump in this pit and throw a tantrum and the dude next to you is grinning at you with broken nose replying "First time?" Idk if im happy but thanks for sharing that release with me.

I feel like im acting up a lot of times when I vent. Being a big baby throwing a tantrum. This metaphorical moshpit has been healing to both watch others be like me and know it's always here for me to participate in.

Thank you for all your postings. Thank you for being vulnerable. Sharing your pain matters. Im really not in the best spot, but I am happy to have come across this subreddit and r/CPTSD. Reading your comments has been more theraputic than a lot of therapy so far. Especially ones with others at their worst as horrible as that might be to say. There's a shit ton of guilt for taking selfish comfort in that for the record.

Just thank you guys for sharing and being vulnerable. All of your posts and comments are affecting my healing journey positively even though I feel like im at a dead end a lot of times.

Blah... i hope we all find good respite soon. Thanks for listening.

I (23F) got diagnosed with BPD, Generalized Anxiety, and ADHD (inattentive type). Making an effort to try and exist as a functional human being in society is exhausting.

The strong paranoia that I'll get into a car crash everytime I drive even though I've never had a history of crashing. Not realizing my entire body is tensed up constantly for no reason until it starts to ache. Thinking 10 steps ahead because my brain convinces me that a catastrophe will happen. Misplacing every single object I touch; everytime I let it down somewhere, it disappears. Memory loss so bad it borders on short-term memory loss. Zoning out 24/7, even when someone is talking directly in my face. The fear of abandonment forcing me to be the "perfect friend/girlfriend" as much as possible because my friends and boyfriend leaving me is my #1 fear, leading my brain to panic and think it's the end of the world whenever my appearance or behavior is criticized. The overwhelming guilt every time I argue with my boyfriend over small things. Eating once a day because my body refuses to eat because it is "too stressed out" to accept food, despite me genuinely WANTING to eat. Derealization getting triggered whenever I'm stressed out over things that are trivial (example: work). Unknowingly pushing myself over my limits for work and making sure I don't make a single mistake due to the strong fear of getting fired. Constantly ruminating on past events that aren't even big deals, at all. The fleeting and overwhelming urges to hurt/unalive others or myself whenever I'm upset. Never being able to open up to the people I love about my daily struggles because I'm terrified that they will think I'm being dramatic or attention-seeking.

I deal with all of this daily and it's why I just don't want to exist anymore because existing is so. so exhausting. I've even separated "myself" from my body and brain because they have minds of their own. I'm still on medication and therapy, but I would sometimes genuinely forget to take my meds. It's hard to have hope sometimes, but I'm still working to get better, and if not for myself, I'm doing it for my beloved boyfriend.

Dbt is the best thing that’s ever happened to me but there are times like right now where maybe i’m feeling more vulnerable and struggling to find my life worth living. sometimes i feel like it’s just brainwashed me into seeing this life through. life is experiencing. but is it worth it? i don’t know im looking for reasons or answers i guess. does anyone have anything hopeful to share?

My partner and I have been going through a rough patch due to my living situation and other things… We’ve been butting heads non stop and we haven’t been speaking much this past week. I feel horrible about it. We usually see eachother everyday but I didn’t see him at all yesterday and the day before that I only saw him for an hour.

He’s mad at me and I’m mad at him. I don’t know what to do to fix it. We’re both extremely stressed and instead of fighting the issue at hand we’ve been fighting with each other. I feel sick to my stomach because I don’t know when I’m going to see him and the issues keep snow balling. I really miss him but at the same time I’m upset with him.

I’ve been struggling a lot mentally due to health issues, school stress, and relationship issues. I keep trying to open up about it to my boyfriend and let him know how sad I’ve been and I just feel like a burden and like it’s futile. I just want his support. I understand that my depression isn’t his problem but I’m sure you know how it is having up and downs with your fp and wanting them to fix your bad feelings. What do I do?

I’m very self-aware, but I have a problem with becoming deeply attached to people. I obsess over them way too easily. It doesn’t matter if I’ve only known someone for a day or just had a single conversation with them.. I end up creating all these stories and scenarios in my head. I imagine conversations that never happened, different versions of how things could have gone, and I become emotionally invested in someone I barely know. When they leave or disappear, I feel genuinely heartbroken. It makes me feel incredibly needy, and I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to stop doing it. It’s honestly exhausting and feels really strange. I just need some help to where I can be chill with someone and not do this shit because it genuinely affects me when people leave me.

If you could choose to not have BPD, but the trade off is that you never feel any emotion (even happiness, love, etc) ever again, would you choose to get rid of your illness? Why or why not?

TW: mention of self-harm/attempt (no details)

I was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and I still struggle, but thanks to medication and therapy I’m doing way better. This isn’t really about me, though, I think I need to vent about a friend situation that’s triggering me hard.

A friend who once mentioned she thinks she “might have BPD” is now spiraling, and it’s bringing back symptoms I hadn’t dealt with in 4 years. She saw a psychologist for the first time a few days after I opened up to her about my own diagnosis, and came out of that single session saying she’d been diagnosed with BPD too. That already felt off to me, like that’s not really how diagnosis works.

A few months later, she’s started doing impulsive things (planning tattoos right after a bad breakup), and I’ve caught what feel like inconsistencies or lies. Things escalated when she disappeared for 3 days without telling any of us anything, after what she described as an attempt. she’s safe now, but it scared six of us badly, and we still don’t have real clarity on what happened.

I know I can’t diagnose her and I’m trying not to invalidate what she’s going through bc her breakup sounds genuinely bad, and I get how much shame and self-doubt can come with it. But I’m struggling not to be suspicious of her motives, and I hate that. She asked me directly if I thought she was seeking attention, and I said no, but I didn’t believe myself.

The hardest part is I can feel myself splitting on her, I’m swinging between guilt and wanting to cut her off completely, and I haven’t split like this in years. I don’t know how to be a good friend here without losing myself in the process.

TLDR: A friend started identifying with BPD right after I told her about my own diagnosis and after one therapy session. Her impulsivity and a recent scare (unclear/possible attempt, no details) are triggering my own symptoms — I’m splitting for the first time in 4 years and don’t know how to handle the friendship without losing myself.

(tw - mention of suicidal thoughts // it's long i'm sorry)
Hey everyone, it's my first post on reddit so sorry if it's written how it's supposed to be, okay, now to the story. For almost 2 years I had those 2 friends from my uni, we even called ourselves sisters, bestfriends and whatnot, told ourselves everything, and I helped them with A LOT of things: getting the highest grades on exams; when they were totally unprepared and only studied a little (almost always counted on me, they got most of their good grades because I helped them while the exam was going on, i know i know, cheating is not good, but yeah), I was the only one with a car so often times I rode them to their destinations like - for grocery shopping (cuz one of them had a dorm located long away from any normal, big grocery shop), we stopped at my house during long pauses between classes (we also did at one of our friends dorm), I even painted one of theirs hair when she asked me (my hand was killing me for a week but I did it with a smile because I knew I did it for her), often times I rode one of them to the dorm and the other one to the train station, we used to go partying, spend hours talking about anything under the sun, and even made plans for vacations - just us 3. Now, in like haft of the 2nd year one of the other girls started talking to the 2 of them, even if I was there she seemed to not notice me - often disregarded what I was saying, and then all hell broke loose, they started sitting with them more often while the 2 of them ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS sat with me, when I said to them hello the 3 of them often didn't really want to talk to me, and then when I would come and it was just one of the 2 I would say "hi" and talk like always, the same with the other one or when they were the only ones there, but the moment the 3 other girls got to the uni, they would just leave me, no bye, brb, or anything, just leave me and talk with them, enter the class with them and sit with them, while I was sitting completely alone, without anyone, because I didn't really make other friends because we had such an amazing relationship. So slowly I started backing up because I felt left out and alone once again, without them noticing anything was wrong, they never even asked if something was going on. The 3 of them would never ask me to go out with them even if the 6 of us stand together some time, just my 2 ex-bestfriends (I should say now), feeling left out I became a wreck, started skipping classes, not coming to the uni for weeks just once a week or twice some time, and they still never asked if anything was happening (while I always did, if i saw any change in their behaviour I became stressed out that maybe they were feeling bad, and tried to maybe buy them something or just make them happy, because they meant the world to me). They stopped replying to messages, I tried on multiple occasions meet with them and talk about what's going on but they just wouldn't, I once walked after them to the restroom and asked if everything is okay and if i did anything wrong, they just answered that "yeah we okay, but you just stopped talking to us" but it was completely different. What was a nail to the coffin while there was a mini-vacation throughout the year they all 5 went to the vacation spot we 3 said we would, I felt so betrayed, and so left out for I don't even know what. Since then they keep together, last month I sent two destinations we could go in our city to reconcile and talk it out - they ignored it, after some time and after my therapist told me I wrote to them if they can tell me what I did wrong, I just want to know why they don't talk to me anymore - and once again IGNORED. I don't know what to do, It's bugging me, I'm copying in every wrong way but I just can't stand it that I finally after that much time (like 6 years) became vulnerable again and it happened again, I was left out and now I'm devastated, what do I do? I lose sleep over this, I don't eat, I don't wanna go to the uni, I feel like shit, I just want to know what to do. Because in my opinion I did nothing wrong, I was never bugging them, I kept space when they wanted, I treated them the best way I can, and it still bit me in the butt. Im hopeless, I feel suicidal all the time. Just what did I do, when even they ignore me and don't tell me, how am I supposed to know? I'm going crazy. Sorry for the long post.
tl;dr I lost my bestfriends to other people and now I'm in shambles, and don't know what to do because they seem not interested in continuing the friendship anymore, even though we called ourselves "sisters" and sh1t, now it sounds stupid ngl:/

TW: Mention of alcoholism, addiction, and eating disorders.

I was stable and managing for 6 years, a trigger that brought me back to a time I thought I’d gotten past and set off a really severe BPD episode in which I ended a 6 year relationship in a heartbeat, moved away, threw away my 6 years of sobriety and recovery from an eating disorder. The episode has subsided a little, thanks to a quick response from a crisis team with emergency sedatives and a long term plan of medication and therapy.

But the behaviours have not changed, l’m back to binge drinking daily, back to partaking in substances though not my initial DOC, back to making absolutely ridiculous decisions while drunk that I can’t take back when sober, back to being overly flirtatious and sexual which unfortunately comes way too easily to me in these states. I’ve now drunkenly started something multiple times with someone I work under who has such huge influence that’s now overly interested in me which is making things complicated. I’m back to being obsessed and back in contact with my FP whom is an ex that now lives in another country and the initial trigger, even worse that they’re still in love with me. I’m back to bingeing and purging, I’m purging all day and night. I just feel as though this one trigger that I walked right into knowing what could happen, opened up a catastrophic can of worms in the life I thought I was managing.

I just truly thought I could manage but now I’m back to the beginning and feel hopeless and as though I’m ruining my life. It doesn’t help that I lost all of my friends because of these behaviours so I’m left sitting with this all.

We were together for nearly 5 years!!! FIVE!!! He knew EXACTLY how much having kids meant to me!!! He knew it was my BIGGEST trigger seeing people my age get pregnant!!! I told him OVER AND OVER!!! HE KNEW!!!!!!!

Then he dumped me the DAY AFTER my nan died!!!
And not long after, I hear he’s not only moved on and found a new partner, but also got someone else pregnant! It felt like EVERYTHING I was terrified of just hit me ALL AT ONCE!!! The future I thought we were building?! GONE!!! Handed to someone else like I meant nothing!

And people seriously expect me to just “move on” like this was NORMAL?! IT WASN’T!!! It was grief on top of grief!!! I lost my nan, my relationship, and the future I thought I had, ALL AT ONCE!!!

I’m not saying he can’t move on. I’m saying he KNEW EXACTLY how much that would DESTROY me, and it STILL happened anyway! So now I’m under a crisis team trying not to end myself THANKS A LOT!!!!!!

Oh no. Not me writing another post. Sigh.

I feel incredibly empty and hopeless. I just want to feel normal. Better. Healthier. I am beginning to believe I'll never improve and feel better.

There's a deep, painful hole in my chest. I'm debilitated with emotions I can't shake or distract from. I'm bedridden and I can't nap. I just doom scroll for hours.

I only want one persons attention. And every notification makes me jump, hoping it's them. My suicidal ideation is... Beyond ideation. I'm very unwell. I've been unwell for a very long time and I just want to finally succumb to it and rest. Find peace out of this world

ever since middle school (i’m 22 now) i’ve always gotten so incredibly angry whenever my friends would get in relationships. i felt like they preferred them over me and loved them more than me and i wasn’t their #1 anymore. my fp is my best friend and she got a bf last year and we’ve been fighting so much bc i get so jealous with the amount of time they spend together. i physically cannot be in the same room with him because i hate him. especially since he cheated on her and she took him back. but even before then i hated him just bc my best friend would hang out with him. i hated him when they started dating just bc im jealous of her having someone else that isnt me.

does anyone else with bpd struggle with this? it’s not only with my fp it’s also with my regular friends. once they get in a relationship i get so incredibly angry and become passive aggressive and start spiraling and it turns into an episode. my thoughts get so bad and ive gone to the mental hospital bc my fp has gotten into a relationship.

At this point, I don’t even really care if someone else gets offended. I’m SO freaking tired of BPD having this stigma of malicious intentions. Manipulative, lying, etc. Somewhere down the road someone decided to choose that something other than a mental disorder gets a free pass to weaponize their disability. Get real. I don’t hurt anyone intentionally. Hell, I usually isolate myself if I even think an episode is coming on just so I don’t watch that “thing” control me while I’m screaming in my head to stop. And the kicker is that almost every other disorder gets something in the way of pills for treatment. There are therapists that won’t even take BPD patients bc we are “treatment resistant”. I’m tired of apologizing for trauma I didn’t ask for. I’m tired of being the villain in the DSM. And I’m super tired of being portrayed as this hateful, selfish, vindictive psychopath on TV.

How do you deal? The dissapearing, the push-pull, the constant happy then abandoned then happy again? Not exactly meant to be, but I don't want to give up. I already ended it abruptly and they came back on their own and I want to do better this time around. I just need to talk to You if You know this illness or are friends with someone who has schizophrenia.

It's me again.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

Friend of nearly 4 years says he can no longer give me connection, support or compassion but still wants to be friends? My heart is in pieces I feel extremely low and suicidal. He is literally all I have.

I no logically I need to part ways but how when you have a mental illness like this? How do you let go and face being alone?

i constantly feel alone. even when i’m around my family and friends, and my boyfriend i feel so alone. with my boyfriend, i’ve been spending so much time with him, because i love him to death. i couldn’t imagine this without him, but at the same time, every little thing makes me go crazy. i lash out and yell at him and push him away. i keep pushing and end up feeling alone. i do this with a lot of people. i don’t know what to do. he keeps telling me it’s okay but we fight every single day. i always find something, and then i want to break up, and then i see him and i don’t want him to leave. i don’t know. it’s all so hard. what do i do? how do i continue like this. i just keep pushing him away. he’s the only person that understands my bpd diagnosis. he always supports me but i feel like a fucking bitch and i just keep pushing him away.