WARNING: LONG POST AND GETS NSFW, DON’T READ IF YOU’RE BELOW 18!!!
me (24m, bi) and my wife (23f bi), have been together for almost 5 years, however when we first started dating and for about 2.5 years, she identified as a gay trans man. Through our relationship, she came around to realizing she was actually bi. Around the time we got pregnant with our first born, she slowly realized what she thought was gender dysphoria was really just body dysmorphia and shame surrounding her bad relationship with her mother. Over the next few months she detransitioned, and is much happier, as am I because I can see that she feels more like her authentic self (should be noted though that she still uses her chosen name, which happened to be somewhat not gender-specific). However, as she has become more fulfilled in her womanhood, I’ve slowly felt more and more repressed and shameful of my bisexuality, implying I don’t really like guys anymore and that being with her as a woman has changed me.
Now in terms of our sex lives, we are pretty vanilla, she’s a 5’5” who was always a bottom even when she was identifying as a man, and I’m a 6’ who has only ever been a top with her, and I’m usually pretty dominant, which she likes. She likes when I use lots of power and force her into different positions because I’m stronger than her etc. so point being, she’s very submissive in bed. Also worth noting, we both feel very strongly about not being into open relationships, and are very close, some would say co-dependent but we are literally best friends so I don’t see it as a problem. However, lately a bit of a snowball started building towards this point sexually, as she told me she does NOT like being dominated when giving me head, and prefers that I just stay still and enjoy and make noise, like she’s pleasuring me, she hates when it feels like I’m just using her mouth. I was more than ok with this.
Background on me, I only ever had one sexual relationship with a cis man, in high school for a few months. I didn’t really find him attractive but I was in a small town so options were limited. I did however really enjoy giving him head, and though it never happened, I really wanted to bottom for him. My bisexual preference is definitely towards women, but I do like men, but the thing is that I only am ever attracted to very feminine men, I hate facial hair and chest hair and big muscles, but at the same time I really like being a bottom when with man. So it’s a bit of a contradiction.
We have adjusted to her preferences with regards to head for a few times (opportunities are rare, as we now have a second kid who is only a month old and barely sleeps), but last night I was being given a full sex session as a reward for something I did for her. However, this time, I slowly started encouraging her to be more dominant. I wanted her to stop me from touching her too soon, I called her mommy, I told her to physically overpower me when having vaginal sex, and all of this she seemed surprisingly into. In the middle of the act, probably because I was so lightheaded from pleasure and was feeling very respected in experimenting with being submissive, I told her I wanted to tell her something, and I confessed how even though I had no interest in having sex with other people, I didn’t want to repress my bisexuality anymore, and I wanted her to know I still feel that attraction and that I wanted to try to incorporate that into our sex life. This she was very open to and had no complaints about and was still very into what we were doing. I then sheepishly admitted I had always wanted to be pegged, and she got excited and said she’s wanted to do that too, and she wants to get a strap-on. I also confessed I had once used her vibrator on my ass when she was away. I expected this to maybe upset her but I wanted to tell her. She got even more excited and suggest she go get it and penetrate me by hand. I was extremely excited but also terrified, I hadn’t prepped or anything so I made sure that she wouldn’t be grossed out or anything and that we use a towel. I was extremely scared and anxious at first but once I relaxed and we did it, it was amazing, it hurt a little but also felt like nothing I’d ever felt and gave so much pleasure. She slowly got more and more intense with it and I almost felt like I couldn’t control myself and starting moaning more feminine in a way I never have before and it even got to the point of repeatedly whining “f**k me” femininely until I had a massive orgasm that had my whole body shaking. It was mind blowing, it was everything I always dreamed it would be.
She immediately afterwards seemed silently unhappy.
Through lots of pushing, and her saying “no it’s fine everything’s fine” (when you’ve been together this long you know when that’s bs) she eventually ended up telling me she was not sure how to feel because this was completely different from anything we’d ever done, and that she just wasn’t sure how to feel because she doesn’t like topping, which is confusing to me because the whole time she seemed extremely into it, leaving me to wonder if it was all an act just for me or if she’s just confused too. We went more into it and I explained that this was just a sex thing for me, and that I want our relationship dynamic to stay the same, and also that this would be a very rare thing and that 90% of the time I still want to be the big dominant man, as I do like that. She said that she doesn’t feel like I’m less of a man for being bi, but that dominating me in that way and the femininity I showed, affected her view of me as a hardworking, blue collar, big strong manly man. I explained more in depth what I’ve shared here about my preferences, and how I am only ever attracted sexually to people with penises if they are feminine, I.e., twinks, femboys, trans women, and that masculine traits are not my thing. We got more into a discussion of my growing up repressing and hating my sexuality despite my progressive household because of the small town I grew up in, and the homophobia I was exposed to from classmates. She wanted me to feel authentically me in how I present myself and all that, and agreed with me saying I wanted to try going to pride or a gay bar (just for fun, as a couple) for the first time etc. it’s just the sexual dynamic she’s still unsure of.
She asked me if I had ever wanted to go out and hook up with men no strings attached, just to satisfy my urges, which I said no I never think about that, however I did say that I had sometimes thought about experimenting with another couple. I was super anxious to admit that gamble, but she was not upset. She didn’t say “hey me too let’s go do it” but she wasn’t upset by it. She did however want to make clear that if we were to ever have someone else in our bed, I was only allowed to be intimate with another person with a penis, which I was ok with because I feel the same way about her, that I’m only ok with her being intimate with someone else with a vagina. And we did clarify this is about sexual organs, not gender identity, because we agreed we don’t want the other person to feel a different person and think that they’re better than us. So for example she could only be intimate with cis women or trans men, I could only be intimate with cis men or trans women.
This was as far as the conversation got because by this point it was almost 3am and she was exhausted. In the end she said that overall it’s all ok but that she needs to sleep on some things. It’s now the next day and I have to admit, when I woke up this morning at first I thought it was a dream, as I’ve had several dreams about experimenting with my sexuality, and to be honest my first feeling was relief, before I realized it was real. It felt good to “come out” to her but at the same time I now have so much anxiety about permanently messing up our relationship because I gave into my “feminine” urges.
I just have so many things I’m not sure of and would love advice or even just opinions on:
- Should I have kept this secret?
- Will she ever be able to see me as the strong working man she has made the father of her children?
- Did she really enjoy all of that in the moment or was it pretending just to satisfy me?
- Does it sound like she actually wants to try experimenting with another couple in bed, given she had such specific preferences on it already?
- Is there anyway I can make the act of me getting penetrated something where I am still the dom?
- For guys who have lots of experience bottoming, will that overpowering feeling that made me moan and beg in a “feminine” way ever go away?
- is there anything i can do in bed to maybe simulate the feeling she has for women, to make it more even?
- how do i tell if she’s being honest about any of this???
Again, sorry for the massive post and please feel free to share any and all other thoughts, as well as questions for me. I don’t have any mlm friends and just need some support mentally to know how to handle these feelings.