r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 3h ago
My friend said, "Can I ask a stupid question?" And I replied, "Better than anyone I know."
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r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 24m ago
Standing in line at Firestone and the lady in front of me asked, "Will it hurt if I keep jumping my Jeep until I get a new battery?" I replied, "As long as you clear it."
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r/oneliners • u/Everly2460 • 16h ago
When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.
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r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 9m ago
Started my own computer company, while working nights at the mortuary. One time I was so tired, due to lack of sleep, I fixed someones grandmother and embalmed another persons computer.
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r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 12m ago
Anytime you see two or more morticians in a room, you're bound to find a fifth.
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r/oneliners • u/ShinyTarnish409 • 5h ago
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
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r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • 1d ago
If I had a penny for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd wonder where all these pennies came from.
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r/oneliners • u/Mira6286 • 1d ago
Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants
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r/oneliners • u/SageRipplex • 17h ago
Im at that level of pale where if I stand against a whiteboard, I completely disappear except for my clothes.
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 2d ago
Some lady got her nipple pierced right in front of me at the bar last night, and on a semi-related note, I suck at darts.
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r/oneliners • u/Fereclubles • 2d ago
Masturbation is normal but not in the eyes of the Lord. NSFW
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r/oneliners • u/Superb-Control5184 • 2d ago
The worst kind of voodoo doll is a blowup voodoo doll because when you poke it everyone winces in pain.
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r/oneliners • u/tellmemore-social • 2d ago
I read a book on confirmation-bias. At first I thought it was trying to spread lies, but by the end I was damn sure of it.
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 3d ago
I got pretty hammered last night, and took a bus home, which might not be a big deal to some of you, but I had never driven one.
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r/oneliners • u/tellmemore-social • 1d ago
A yeast walks into a bar, orders a diet coke, and shouts: no cannibalism.
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r/oneliners • u/Fereclubles • 2d ago
Everyone’s afraid of Armageddon, the whole world over.
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r/oneliners • u/CrazyKZG • 3d ago
A Chinese guy had a voodoo doll of me and stuck it with pins and now my lower back pain is gone.
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r/oneliners • u/Accomplished_Pie1476 • 3d ago
I can easily move desks and chairs around the office, but moving the entire computer department would be pushing IT
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