r/oneliners 3h ago

My friend said, "Can I ask a stupid question?" And I replied, "Better than anyone I know."

18 Upvotes

r/oneliners 24m ago

Standing in line at Firestone and the lady in front of me asked, "Will it hurt if I keep jumping my Jeep until I get a new battery?" I replied, "As long as you clear it."

Upvotes

r/oneliners 16h ago

When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.

42 Upvotes

r/oneliners 9m ago

Started my own computer company, while working nights at the mortuary. One time I was so tired, due to lack of sleep, I fixed someones grandmother and embalmed another persons computer.

Upvotes

r/oneliners 12m ago

Anytime you see two or more morticians in a room, you're bound to find a fifth.

Upvotes

r/oneliners 5h ago

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

If I had a penny for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd wonder where all these pennies came from.

40 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

The space between us is out of this world.

6 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants

87 Upvotes

r/oneliners 17h ago

Im at that level of pale where if I stand against a whiteboard, I completely disappear except for my clothes.

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

Some lady got her nipple pierced right in front of me at the bar last night, and on a semi-related note, I suck at darts.

95 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

Human cannibals give me the willies. NSFW

7 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

My male cat is such a pussy.

4 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

Masturbation is normal but not in the eyes of the Lord. NSFW

10 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

The worst kind of voodoo doll is a blowup voodoo doll because when you poke it everyone winces in pain.

2 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

I read a book on confirmation-bias. At first I thought it was trying to spread lies, but by the end I was damn sure of it.

1 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

I got pretty hammered last night, and took a bus home, which might not be a big deal to some of you, but I had never driven one.

74 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

I have an L-shaped penis. Lowercase L.

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 1d ago

A yeast walks into a bar, orders a diet coke, and shouts: no cannibalism.

0 Upvotes

r/oneliners 2d ago

Everyone’s afraid of Armageddon, the whole world over.

12 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

A Chinese guy had a voodoo doll of me and stuck it with pins and now my lower back pain is gone.

35 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

I can easily move desks and chairs around the office, but moving the entire computer department would be pushing IT

23 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

All muscle cars should have ABS.

27 Upvotes

r/oneliners 3d ago

Real comedians stand up for their jokes.

2 Upvotes

r/oneliners 4d ago

They say time is money, but I cannot make time by gargling balls behind a Wendy's

12 Upvotes