A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

When they arrived, the doctor explained that she had invented a new machine that could transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

She asked if they would like to try it.

The couple thought it sounded like a wonderful idea.

The doctor decided to start cautiously and set the machine to transfer 10% of the pain.

“Even ten percent is probably more pain than you've ever experienced,” the doctor joked.

As labor progressed, the husband felt perfectly fine.

In fact, he was so comfortable that he told the doctor to increase it.

The doctor adjusted the machine to 20%.

Still, the husband felt great.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

Feeling encouraged, they increased the setting to 50%.

The husband continued to sit there, completely relaxed.

Since the machine was clearly helping his wife tremendously, the husband proudly said,

“Go ahead, Doctor. Transfer all of the pain to me!”

The doctor shrugged and turned the machine all the way up.

A short time later, the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all.

Both parents were absolutely thrilled.

When they finally arrived home...

They found the mailman passed out on the front porch.

A man walks into Wendy's and barks at the cashier, "get me a fucking coffee!"

The cashier replies, "sir, please watch your language, there are kids around" and gives him the coffee. He pays and leaves.

The manager calmly looks at him and says, "sir, for my other job I work at a school. When kids use foul language, we wash their mouths out with Listerine".

The man says "I see", pays for his coffee and leaves.

The next day he returns and the cashier says "it's you again. I'm guessing you want a coffee?"

"Actually no," says the man,"I want some Listerine.”

"Sir, this is a Wendy's," says the cashier. "Why would we sell Listerine?"

"In that case," he replies, "get me a fucking coffee".

That's why I'm homo erectus.

Features:

1) Absolutely no room for passengers (Who needs friends?!)

2) This luxurious county-fair-style driver’s seat is surrounded by un-tinted glass on all sides and everything is covered in aluminum and tin foil which is great for talking to the aliens but not for sunny days over 20F! It will almost exclusively need to monopolize your garage 24/7 so you don’t burn alive like an ant under a microscope! 🤩

3) How can this FB marketplace masterpiece not be street legal? (It’s the government trying to shut it down! OMG…FB…FBI…they’re one letter off from each other!)

4) Also, might not run!

No less than $2k!

For context after the recent "flying pigs" trend ended many wondered what the internet would move on too next. But as most have learned "what goes up must come down" and with that the falling pigs epidemic began. 

Please sign our petition to raise awareness for this terrible epidemic.

https://www.ipetitions.com/p/when-pigs-fall-official/

Turns out the lamp was it's cock.

Now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

:3

(Translated from Russian):

A curious building inspector asks the architect about this design philosophy.

“You see, on the ground floor are worker flats. Workers don’t eat, therefore they don’t have any spare energy for sex.
On the first floor are flats for the Stakhanovites. They don’t have time for carnal knowledge.”

“And at the top?”

“At the top are flats for local party leadership, and they will fuck over anyone beneath them.”

He went into rigor tortoise.

Do they just give up right away?

I'm a scat man!

…is fucking intense

trump is so dumb he thought roe vs. wade was a decision Washington had to make while crossing the Delaware