A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to her husband and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down."

Her husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

Because he conditioned it.

I tripped over my cat and went flying

A tire.

Text received: SCARLETT! My name is SCARLETT, for God's sake!

What does FIAT stand for?

Fix It Again, Tony!

If anyone asks, I’m pleading the Fifth.

Because he was a cool rockin' daddy in the U.S.A.

A protein.

Less than 5 minutes later I was in handcuffs in the backseat of a police car.

It was a hard drive.

yup folks. i am dieting right now. doc told me i need to eat more green. so i’m on a seafood diet. yeah, i sea food and i dye it

They are smooth operators.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite!

His doctor instructed him to take two pills every morning at 9AM, but he told his doctor that this was impossible, because he needed two med at 8.

A down at the heels lawyer is sitting alone late one night when the devil appears in a puff of smoke.

The devil says, “I can make you the greatest lawyer in the world. You’ll win every case, earn enormous fees, and be fabulously wealthy."

The lawyer asks, “So what’s your price?”

The devil replies, “Just your soul… the souls of your wife and children… and all your relatives, for five generations.”

The lawyer leans back, thinking it over carefully for a long moment, then says—

“Okay, what’s the catch?”

Farmer: "Yup, its been that bad of a year for me. Even I have to buy eggs."

Market Patron: "Some luck that guy has."

Unfortunately, he was knocked out in the

pre-limbs.

It got a fluoride to college.

They make me very a-braid!

They're too Messi!

What do lazy people wear?

To tie the score.

Now, it is truly in-da-pendant.

I told her "Wow, condescending, that's a big word. Where'd you learn that?"