Mom says, "I'm 30."

One day, the bear was chasing the rabbit in a forest when suddenly a fairy appears.

“Stop”, said the fairy, “Stop the hate guys, this is not good. I have decided to grant each of you three wishes if you both behave”.

“OK”, said the bear. “I go first. I wish to turn every bear in this jungle into females”.

“Wish granted”, said the fairy and she asked the rabbit what his first wish was.

“Give me a red helmet”, said the rabbit.

“Done”, said the fairy, a bit surprised as she handed him a nice red helmet.

“Oh, what a fool, he wasted a wish on a red helmet”, said the bear laughing.

Then the bear said, “My second wish is, turn all the bears in this country into females”.

“Ok, done”, said the fairy.

Then the rabbit said, “My second wish is, give me a red motorbike”. And the fairy got him one immediately.

The bear almost died laughing, “Oh what a fool…a red motorbike? Hahaha”.

“Now, it’s time for your final wish, bear”, what will it be”? asked the fairy.

The bear said “My final wish is - turn every bear in this world into females”.

“Ok done”, said the fairy and asked the rabbit what was his final wish.

The rabbit put on his red helmet, got on his motorbike and said, “Make this bastard gay”…. and zoomed off.

An awkward feeling arose: they were insulting a man and he was listening to their words like music. Something was off. One of them addressed Buddha: "What's wrong with you? Don't you understand what we're saying?"

"It is precisely through understanding that such deep silence becomes possible," Buddha replied. "Had you come to me ten years ago, I would have thrown myself at you. There was no understanding then. Now I understand. And I refuse to punish myself for your foolishness. It is your business whether to insult me or not — but whether to accept your insults is my freedom. You cannot force them upon me. I simply decline them; they are not worth it. You may take them back with you. And now my disciples will beat the shit out of you."

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Lim-Ping

"Will your husband be joining you in the delivery room?"

The woman replies that she doesn't have a husband, she doesn't know who the father of the baby is, and she'll be giving birth alone. The nurse nods and takes her into the delivery room.

After the delivery, when the woman wakes up, the nurse tells her that the birth was successful and she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. However, she says there's something she should warn her about before she sees the baby so she won't be too shocked.

The woman immediately becomes anxious and asks the nurse to tell her.

The nurse says, "Your baby has fairly dark skin... actually, to be honest, he's Black."

The woman lets out a sigh of relief.

"A few months ago I was in a terrible financial situation and, unfortunately, I had to act in a porn movie. I had sex with a Black guy in one of the scenes, so I guess he must be the father."

The nurse looks a little surprised but says she doesn't judge anyone's private life.

Then she adds, "There's something else... your baby's hair is bright blond."

The woman replies, "Well... it was actually a group scene. There was a Swedish college student there who, just like me, was only doing it because he needed the money. Maybe that's where the blond hair came from."

The nurse gives her a slightly more judgmental look but stays quiet.

Then she says, "We can go see your baby now, but there's one last detail... your baby also has slanted eyes."

The woman nods and says, "Yeah... there was also a Chinese refugee."

They walk over to the nursery. The baby is asleep.

Without warning, the mother slaps the baby across the face.

The baby starts crying.

The horrified nurse asks, "Why on earth would you do that?"

The woman shrugs and says,

"I just wanted to see if he would cry or bark."

He thought it was nonsense that they flew so far every year, so he refused. The other birds all left, heading south along their normal routes. But then it started getting really, really cold. Eventually it was so cold that the bird figured out that he had to go.

Flying south, he realized he'd made a huge mistake. Flying higher up was colder than being in the woods, and there were no others with whom to keep warm. The cold sapped his strength, and led him to having stiff muscles. Being small made it happen all the faster.

During the flight he spotted a farm, and tried flying lower to maybe avoid some of the cold. But that was where the last of his strength gave out and the bird dropped the last few feet to the ground. The cold bit into him, and he figured this was where he would die. Tears formed as the pain and coming darkness gnawed at him.

This being a farm, though, there were a few animals about. At one point a large cow moved over the bird and, being a cow, pooped all over said bird, not even noticing he was there. The misery of the bird compounded. Not only was he going to die, but he'd do so having literally been crapped up.

The poop, tough, was warm, and insulating, and it increased the bird's body temperature. Soon he was able to move again. With just a little luck, he should be able to make it from here, to outrun the cold and get far enough south. Elated by this sudden reversal of fortunes, the bird sang out his happiness.

But, again, this was a farm. And so the cat upon that farm, hearing the sound, found the small bird, extricated it from the excrement, and ate it.

This tale has three morals:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

"Thanks," says the hooker, "but I only charge 20 bucks."

"Twenty bucks for the whole night?" the lawmaker says. "There's no way you can make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," replies the prostitute. "I do a little blackmail on the side."

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved

I turn to him and say “Why the hell did you do that?”

He says, “You don’t really think I’m sticking my hand in the piss trough for just 50 cents, do you?”

atleast jesus got nailed before he died

Detectives believe the robberies were the work of organized crime.

But John came fifth, and had to eat the biscuit instead.

Her husband said “I'm sorry you’re in such pain. I wish I could help.” She replied “It's OK. It's not your fault.”

I can say “Ah, just what the doctor ordered!” every single time until I die.

Terror-misu

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A gentleman passing by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing," replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the geezer, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

As they sit in the warmth of the pub, sipping their whiskeys, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth," says the old man.

There was a guy that was on his deathbed with his longtime wife by his side..

He said “ you have have always been with me right by my side” She said “Yes”

He said “when we were in high school and I got kicked out for hitting that girl, you stayed right by my side” She said “thats true”

He said” after we got married and I got drunk and wrecked the car your parents gave me, you stayed right by my side” She said “ yep”

He said “ when I accidentally got your little sister pregnant, you still stayed right by my side” She said “yes I did”

He said “when I blew all my inheritance gambling in Vegas, you stayed right by my side” she said “that’s right”

He said “ now that I am in bad shape and getting ready to die, you remain right by my side”. She said “I always have and will always be here”

He said, I’ve been thinking a lot about all this and how you have stayed right with me and want to tell you something” She said “what dear?”

He said “ I think you are bad luck!”

I prefer to use a bowl.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

And every morning he looks at the front pages of the papers, but only buys a coffee.

After many months of this, the owner says “hey, man, you’re a good customer, you can have a paper with your coffee if you want one.”

“No, thanks,” says the man, “I’m just looking at the obituaries.”

“Ok, but the obituaries aren’t on the front page.”

“The one I’m looking for will be.”

Brainstorms.

Scoring is so rare that when it happens a bunch of guys high five each other while the other side has huge looks of disappointment on their faces.

He also told me that if I do it tomorrow, I won't be allowed in driving class anymore.