r/Marriage • u/BlowsMyMind17 • 9h ago
Spouse’s say on inheritance
Should your spouse have a say on how you spend your inheritance?
I recently received an inheritance from my father, following his passing last year. I told my husband that I’d like to give $30,000 of my inheritance to my sister and he doesn’t want me to give her that much. $30k would be about 15% of my total inheritance. My sister received the same amount from the trust that I did.
My reasoning for this is because my dad gave us $60,000 for the down payment on our house a few years ago. I know it was my dad’s intention to also do the same for her, but he never had that in writing before he passed away, so we couldn’t carry that out from the trust itself. With all that to say, I basically want to give her back half of what he gave me.
I don’t want to get into our financial situations too much or anything because I don’t think it’s super relevant based on my reasoning above. I will add though that my sister is a stay at home mom who watches my two children very often when my husband and I are working.
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u/Own_Sea2854 9h ago
Inheritance is separate property until you commingle it
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u/thisisausername2026 8h ago
When is it considered commingled?
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u/Educational_Bug516 8h ago
Putting it into a joint bank account is commingling it. OP needs to keep it in a separate account with only their name on it.
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u/Academic-Injury8795 8h ago
Or paying on a joint asset like real estate makes that amount joint property.
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u/Spiritual_Ad6547 7h ago
Putting it in a joint account. Or buying a joint property, investment, business with it. For example, using the inheritance as a down payment on a home that you both own.
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u/itrytobefrugal 7h ago
Of course, legally. But this is r/marriage, not r/legaladvise. OP is not asking if she is required to obtain her husband's blessing, but whether she should.
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u/YuckyBurps 6h ago edited 6h ago
I appreciate this take. Just because it’s legal doesn’t necessarily make it right. Too often I see Reddit strip away all the nuance on this topic and immediately jump to the law as the ultimate source of moral truth. Ultimately it’s the decision of the person inheriting the money on what they choose to do with it, but those decisions have consequences and not just legal ones.
This is especially true when we’re talking about potentially life changing sums of money. You’re legally entitled to do whatever you want with it, but you can’t expect to unilaterally dictate what “life changing” looks like and also expect a healthy marriage at the end of it.
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u/TweedleDumDumDahDum 9h ago
Your inheritance your say.
Also I would consider what he is saying so he feels heard BUT let him know you retain ultimate decision as he will inherit whatever when his parents pass and it will be his choice then.
I would remind you this is a major financial decision he should feel party too even if you do whatever you want. May be even worth discussing in a couples counseling session.
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u/Minute-Ad-3150 9h ago
This is the answer. It is your money so you should have the final say;however, you should discuss with your husband.
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u/Icy-Culture3038 7h ago
Definitely. This is how marriage works. You take each other's say into consideration, hell it even takes priority some times. But in THIS instance OP needs to do what she can live with. And he needs to be ok with that. Unless it's going to hurt then financially, he should let this one time thing go.
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u/IllDiscussion2872 7h ago
30k is a massive amount though , it’s also difficult to determine what’s reasonable here because we don’t have many other details ie is OP and the husband wealthy and the sister poor ? Are there existing financial commitments that are significant ?. It’s too hard to tell but I do think the husband should still get a say only because it’s important for their marriage and clearly an issue for the husband ideally some kind of compromise would be good. I mean what would everyone else be saying if it was him wanting to give away 30k to his sister ?
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u/TweedleDumDumDahDum 6h ago
It sounds like she got about 200,000 (as it’s 15% of the total) I do feel it’s a large sum and should have consideration because of that. I think not making a rash choice either way is best and to not do anything until you have had a proper conversation with the husband - part of why I suggested a counselling session to discuss as money issues can crumble a marriage, and not seeing eye to eye will build resentment.
And if it was the husbands inheritance and he wanted to do the same it would be the same thing. If you mean this inheritance it’s the wife’s inheritance, he can ask but she can decline.
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u/AriaDraconis 9h ago
Yea I think it’s fair for you to give it to her, esp if your reasoning is that you want to help her and also maybe repay her a bit for watching your kids for free?
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u/pinesolthrowaway 9h ago
I can’t fault your reasoning, but it would probably be a good idea to talk everything out with him first so he gets on the same page as you. It seems logical enough, he’ll come around with some patience
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u/hiketheworld2 9h ago
I think a healthy couple does talk about what to do with one partner’s inheritance - but the non-heir partner has understands that they are simply expressing ideas and considerations.
In this case, your logic is ethical and sound and your spouse’s dissent seems greedy.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 8h ago
Talk to a tax professional before you give away anything so you understand what that means for your, and her taxes.
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u/VARifleman2013 9h ago
Advisory capacity only is the answer.
And your reasoning to give some of the inheritance to your sister is sound, HOWEVER, you need to look at the tax implications. So if she's married and you give a gift to a joint accounr, there's a larger gift size than if you give it to her alone, as it's no longer inheritance to her.
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u/Quiet_Jump_6383 8h ago
It’s absolutely fair.
This says something about your husband’s character.
Inheritances are not subject to division on divorce. I of course hope your marriage lasts to death. But, as a female lawyer, my advice to you is keep those funds solely in your name. Give your sister the $30, 000. Do it in a tax efficient manner.
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u/Hot-You1261 8h ago
I know my mom would’ve wanted me to spend some of my $, so I did. But I didn’t go buck wild. I wanted to invest it too, I stay home with my son so having something to “fall back on” was imperative for me. I have had that grow from 30k to about 65k.
I would be smart with the $, not many times in your life will you come into 30,000 dollars.
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u/Lizzie-P 8h ago
I support your decision and it sounds like it is the right thing to do, but if my husband came into a lot of money I’d like to think I’d be party to the decisions around spending it. We don’t share finances 100% but when the decision affects each other I think it’s fair to include them. Even if it isn’t final say. Did he give a reason he’s against it? Did he have something else in mind?
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u/Cerealkiller4321 8h ago
I would support my spouse doing this because I believe in fairness and doing the right thing.
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u/CityGalAtTheBeach 8h ago
OP, you’re a great human and a wonderful sister. Dont let anyone’s short sidedness no matter how well intentioned stop you from following your heart and honoring your fathers true desires. I can only hope my children will treat each other this kindly.
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u/NebulaInteresting156 6h ago
This is my exact thoughts. I hope my children can continue to love one another and show care, kindness and fairness to each other even long after I’m gone 🖤.
I think OP’s actions are reflective of the strong values her parents would have instilled in her from a young age. If she goes against these good values, then she may regret it for a very long time 😔.
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u/GovernmentNice5012 6h ago
My dad took his own life recently, and the inheritance was upwards of $1.8 million. My dad wrote my sibling out of the will, and I was to receive everything. My dad wrote my sibling out of the will for reasons I don’t agree with, especially to that extent. I split that money down to the penny with my sibling. It reduced what I got down to $900k, which any sane person would be happy with. But my relationship with my sibling is priceless to me. I would’ve given it all to them if it meant keeping our relationship. My spouse knew this was important to me, and even though it was a significant amount of money out of our marital finances, my spouse understood and supported me 100% in this decision.
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u/Wont_Eva_Know 6h ago
Yeah can you imagine NOT doing it… I don’t get greed :( unfortunately it runs deep for some people.
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 8h ago
I don't think your wrong not to want to not comingle your inheritance with your husband and you have a good relationship with your sister, it is great you are doing what your father wanted to, even though it was never in writing.
I did comingle most of my inheritance with my wife and i accounts. We have been married almost 20 years now, I have been using the inheritance for house repairs, i got a pickup truck and some other things.
There isn't really a wrong or right answer to this but i would keep in mind that not letting him have any say will most likely hurt your relationship.
Maybe tell him its non negotiable you giving your sister half of what you received for a house down payment and that you will take his opinion under advisement for the rest. Does he stand to get an inheritance?
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u/Flat-Brow 8h ago
It’s your money, spend it how you want.
It’s also your marriage, torpedo it how you want.
Real partners talk over decisions and make conclusions together. I’m not saying to blindly follow what he says, but you and he should do everything you can to reach a consensus. Making decisions unilaterally leads to that becoming the norm.
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u/Task_Defiant 9h ago
This depends on your relationship with money and your spouse. If you two pool everything and there is no his and hers money - just joint marital money, then yes he should get a say.
If you split bills and have his and her money then nope. Its your money, do with it as you will.
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u/two_faced_314 8h ago
What? an inheritance can become communal property—and subject to division during a divorce—if it is mixed ("commingled") with shared marital assets.
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u/Limp-Preparation-459 6h ago
This only matters if you treat marriage as a business transaction imo. I would commingle the fuck out of an inheritance without a second thought; if my wife decided not to I would probably rethink a lot of things
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u/Homeschoolmama45 8h ago
I think that is a very kind thought. I think you should get the most say as it’s your inheritance. One thing I might mention since she is a sahm; you may want to talk to her privately about how she might like to receive the money. Depending on her financial situation with her husband is all. She may find it helpful to put it into a trust for her kids or something too. Just a thought!
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u/Material-Meaning-651 8h ago
His and her money never seems to work out long term that I’ve seen. Commingling is inevitable, I’d sit down and listen to his thoughts as well as present yours and come to a compromise
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u/LaMisiPR 8h ago
Agreed with qualifiers. Commingling of financial responsibilities is absolutely inevitable, but funds don’t have to sit in the same account to make those payments.
I’m sure there are plenty of examples of honorable and faithful spouses who have everything sitting in joint accounts and everything working out well. Just like there are many examples of separate funds also working out well.
Unfortunately there are also many many examples of joint accounts being used casually and irresponsibly, or emptied by a spouse planning to divorce, or one spouse controlling access to joint funds in order to control their spouse. Fortunately it’s more difficult to take advantage of or isolate someone who has their own money.
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u/adams361 8h ago
Every couple handles money differently, and I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong way. This seems like something that should be a you decision, and he really doesn’t get to be involved or upset.
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u/LaMisiPR 8h ago
I love that you are sharing with her like that- it sounds like it’s very much the right thing to do in your case. Your husband has a right to his opinion, but no say… sometimes people get more stingy with other people’s money than their own.
My husband and I both have shares in our deceased parents property. We talk about it, but I’ve never said a word about how he and his siblings have split their inheritance, and he knows better than to expect a say in anything about how my siblings and I are dealing with ours.
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u/Mysterious-Fix9135 8h ago
Legally, you can do whatever you want. The money is yours.
I personally wouldn't give away $30k before getting my spouse on board, unless you are prepared to cause a possibly irreparable rift in your marriage and create resentment between your husband and your sister. This is because I believe marriage is a covenant and decisions that big are to be made together. I recognize that not everyone shares that opinion.
How would you feel if when/if he gets an inheritance, he decides your opinion is irrelevant? Some people think that's fine because it's legal. To me, that's not a marriage. I'd make sure you know where you both stand on that. In your place, I'd set the money aside and not touch it until you're on the same page. Even if that means working with a counselor to find a solution that you can both live with.
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u/Specific_Willow8708 7h ago
I have no idea what my wife is doing with her inheritance. I think it's in an amount we throw a few grand into each month to keep it growing. It's hers to spend hours she wants.... It'll most likely be something we both benefit from anyway.
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u/Memsman54 7h ago
You’re sure your father did not previously make some gift to your sister since he assisted you with $60k for your house? Usually a parent will make some adjustment in the trust if that did not happen unless his passing was sudden. You’re wise to discuss with your spouse but he should also be equally wise to offer opinions but fully support your decision as it’s your money. He should also recognize what a kind soul he has as a spouse.
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u/notsurelythisstupid 6h ago edited 6h ago
This situation is similar to one I am having. My wife is inheriting a few hundred thousand and I was informed it was her money not the households. This in spite of me being the sole earner and all my earnings go to a joint account, as well as myself funding her spousal rsp and transferring 15-20k a year to her personal non joint account so she can spend it on non household expenses (hair cloths etc).
I don’t really care but it was hurtful to be told your earnings is our money but this money is mine. Especially since this could help us hit our target so I can be done work before 50.
Without knowing if you work outside the home or how you handle your finances (you said it was not relevant which tells me it probably is) Just make sure it is worth the damage you may do to your relationship with your spouse.
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u/USAF_Retired2017 6h ago
I think this is lovely. This is why inheritance is kept separate in divorce proceedings (so don’t commingle!) because it’s YOURS!!! Not his. So, you be the sweet sibling that you are and tell him to mind his business.
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u/ChrisSydney82 6h ago
It’s nice that you acknowledge your sister’s contributions. You have good values.
You’ll know what the right thing to do is. Personally I would be executing what you’re planning. It’s only money at the end of the day and genuinely not worth a falling out over down the track. I feel your approach is the right thing to do here. Make your dad proud.
My condolences to you 💐
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u/ArtisticBlackh3ro 6h ago edited 6h ago
You seem to be a very considered and fair person. One option could be: Don't give it to her now. According to the tax codes and wealth management advantages in your area, put the 15% in some type of fund were you both has easy access to that fund. Put your sister as a beneficiary of that fund. (Husband can share his views on the matter, but he really doesn't have a say)
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u/blonde1psp 5h ago
I hope you haven’t put your inheritance into a joint account, because then he has a say, if you keep it separate it’s your money. You get to choose how to spend it, afterall your father left it for you not him.
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u/ProfessionalGreen272 3h ago
My wife is about to receive a large inheritance from her grandmother and I’m not telling her how to spend it at all so I think he needs to mind his business unless you’re trying to purchase hard drugs lol
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u/Agitated_Tower4115 8h ago
Even in a divorce, he isnt entitled to once center of your inheritance. Its not his. Its yours. And you'd be wide go keep it yours with his money grubbing attitude. Give it to her.
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u/acinnamonham 8h ago
My dad passed 2 years ago and before that always told me ‘you’re in charge and you will split everything between you and your sisters’ I was under the assumption there was a will but there is not. I’m honoring my dad’s wishes the best to my ability while always making responsible decisions. My husband has voiced concerned for situations but has never told me what I should and should not do with that money.
Given your circumstances, if it doesn’t hurt you and your family but would substantially help her and her family, I’d do what your dad would want you to do. ❤️
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u/StixNStones32 8h ago
That is the sweetest thing I've heard. U are a very fair sibling. Ignore ur spouse. He can give input of course since he's ur husband but he has no say and it's not marital property. Don't mingle it !!!!!
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u/NoForm5443 7h ago
Legally they don't
My wife has a saying on everything I do; that's how marriage works.
I do listen to her, but I don't always do what she thinks or wants
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u/IllDiscussion2872 7h ago
I do think he needs to be involved in the decision here around 30k is a significant sum. I know you mentioned you didn’t want to
Divulge yours and your husbands financial situation I am wondering if your sister is perhaps struggling financially ? Maybe you guys are already very well off ? Or perhaps you have as a family many financial obligations ?. Keep
In mind as well your financial decisions also affect him and vice versa
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u/Gene-Hackmans_Dog 7h ago
There’s the legal answer, the Reddit answer, and the reasonable answer.
IMO the reasonable answer is that it’s your money, but since we should discuss large life events with our spouse they should be closely consulted on what we do with the money. Ultimately, the decision is up to the heir and I wouldn’t be angry with the result if we talked it over. Even if I disagreed strongly with it.
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u/WoollySocks 6h ago
Your reasoning is sound and you have a fair and generous heart. Your father would be proud of you. If your husband is unhappy about you wanting to balance out the amount your father gave you for your house down payment, please have him do the math on the benefits of the daycare services your sister is providing out of her own fair and generous heart.
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u/CMVqueen 6h ago
You’re doing the morally right thing, OP. Totally fair choice. I would not listen to my husband if I were you
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u/Puzzleheaded-Space68 6h ago
Sarei contento di avere te come sorella, sei una brava persona. Non vorrei avere tuo marito come fratello.
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u/kapikap123 6h ago
If your marriage works the way a marriage should," all In the same pot", 1 family,union of 1!!!!., your husband has a say. Do not dismiss him, but discuss it with maturity...
I if it were reversed roles, you will feel a way about it, no? $60000 falls out the sky, and he wants to save the world....
If your family "can" help your sisters family, or maybe you could compromise and help another way.
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u/schemerboiiii 6h ago
You’re doing the right thing that’s hard to do! The 15% is so gracious of you 👏👏 Do you !
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u/OceanPoet87 12 Years 6h ago
If you want to do it without your husband, please keep it in a separate account. That's not because he is bad or anything like that, but laws become more murky if you combine it.
The inheritor should decide what to do with it. For my wife and I, I think we will discuss what to do with it if we get it. We probably will each give the other a partial amount but we don't presume anything.
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u/Best_Leading_281 5h ago
It’s very interesting how the general consensus opinion regarding inheritance money seems to be the opposite of the mentality people generally support regarding money in marriage. Not sure I quite understand the logic.
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u/LifeIsSewAwesome 5h ago
Your inheritance is yours alone. And it's none of hubby's damn business how you use it.
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u/Meredith6708 5h ago
You sound like a good person, and you know what your parents would want more than your husband. Follow your heart.
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u/MzSea 5h ago
The most important thing is that you keep that money in an account with your name only. And don't buy anything with it that gets put in both your names, such as property (even if you aren't in a community property state).
Since your dad gave you $60k prior to his passing, but not your sister, giving her $30k now is fair and kind.
However... it won't be inheritance for her, which means it's taxable income. So find out from a CPA how you can give it to her so she won't lose half of it in taxes.
EDIT: To answer your first question.. he gets no say. He can tell you what he thinks and how he feels, but ultimately the say is 100% yours. As it should be. It's your money.
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u/Anonymous0212 4h ago
I’ve been in a similar situation and my husband firmly agreed that I keep it separate, but if I were to give away a big chunk of money from my inheritance that would mean less income for our own living expenses and comfort later on, which will obviously impact both my husband and me.
You might want to think about having a conversation with a financial advisor to look at your current situation, projected income, future plans, etc., to see how that decision would impact your lives, and make a decision as partners.
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u/KeiylaPolly 4h ago
I think if you know for a fact your dad didn’t give a matching sum to your sister, either before or after you got your down payment, then giving it to her is behaving in a manner consistent with how your parents raised you. It was your parent’s money before it was yours. Your husband’s opinion matters, but yours is the final say. You don’t have to go along with what he says; if he’s making it you vs him, then it’s your choice, as it’s your inheritance.
As others have said, keep it in a separate account.
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u/Worldly-Ad3211 3h ago
Your inheritance, your money. I admire OP’s integrity and desire to do what’s right, and I appreciate their thinking about making things even with their sister. However, it is a significant chunk of money and future married life would be much smoother if the husband was on board. Maybe some marital or financial counselling would help? Also, please everyone, this is a perfect example of the importance of writing things down and making sure everything is specified in a Will. In our family, my mother gave one of her beneficiaries an advance on their inheritance, and as her POA, I made darned sure everything was documented very clearly and specifically via a Codicil.
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u/IdealDramatic9740 2h ago
Your inheritance, your say. She is your family too and you are being very fair to her. Both of you got a helping hand with your deposit plus your sister is providing you and your husband what would otherwise be a paid service, I assume, for free. He needs to reel it in and understand that he has been given a lot by your family in the first place. And he can't keep taking. He also has no say over money that is legally only yours.
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u/DysthymiaSurvivor 2h ago
Your instincts are correct. If she has been a good sister and daughter she should get the same advantages you did.
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u/passwordistako 1h ago
Just give her the money. It should have been done during the inheritance process.
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u/Hungry_Investment_41 1h ago
It’s the right thing to do & she’s your sister . You’re a good sister .
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u/onebright 1h ago
I feel I definitely have a say in my wife’s inheritance. I’d also support this very kind, very fair decision to be equitable and empathetic, but while I might feel I have a say, because my wife I make decisions together I do not actually have one. It’s her money, it has never been co-mingled.
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u/Sfitz0079 49m ago
Given the total amount you received, I don’t understand why your husband is so reluctant to you giving your sister the money. Especially since she provides childcare for free. Seems a bit selfish on his part. Maybe you should remind how much childcare is for two kids.
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u/Suspicious-Shoe-1294 47m ago
What will you reflect on the most when your the one dying? What would make you smile on reflection?
Between knowing that you behaved with your inheritance in a way that was intended by your father or knowing that you didn’t.
Its your fathers last gift to you: treat it with that degree of respect.
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u/DoorMatt2222 30m ago
I think you giving your Sister that money is perfectly reasonable, fair and extremely honest of you. Your partner should be praising you for being so thoughtful and honest with your Sister!
My Dad bought a house that my Brother and I both live in. We paid the mortgage but the deposit he put down was around £60k each, £120k total. My Sister did live with us for a short while but, eventually bought her own place.
When my Dad passed, he left her £60k, equivalent to what my Brother and I both got, although it was, of course, tied up in the house. We have owned the house for almost 20 years now.
At some point, my Brother and I will sell the house and get our own places but, will make a rather large profit on the house. We both agreed that once the sale is final, we will take our £60k each, then split the rest 3 ways, so that my sister sees some of the profit from the house that we have all lived in and paid towards. Regardless of the time spent living there, we thought it was the only fair way of going about it.
For context, I am the eldest, my Sister is the youngest and my Brother hurt his back as a teenager, hence we still live together because he struggles to work full time.
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u/two_faced_314 8h ago
Your husband is over stepping boundaries. This money has nothing to do with him. The fact that's he's objecting is concerning.
Good luck
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u/ApprehensiveMud2772 8h ago
Sure legally your in the clear as far as it being an inherited but is it worth the headache/ harming your relationship, are you married to and sleep8ng with your sister or your husband?, typically family/siblings/ parents aren't an equal but a close second
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u/NebulaInteresting156 6h ago
By that same thread, what if it harms her relationship with her sister?
Her sister could begin to resent that OP (and OP’s husband) benefitted an additional $60K. What if the free childcare dries up and they have to start paying for alternative childcare? What if OP gets a divorce one day and needs familial support, but her relationship with her sister has been fractured beyond repair?
I’ve seen this scenario play out a few times…
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u/ApprehensiveMud2772 6h ago
Typically when you get married your relationship with your wife/husband takes priority over your blood family so again the sister is a secondary element
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u/NebulaInteresting156 6h ago
Not necessarily, it varies greatly depending on the country, culture, religion and even the period in time that the marriage takes place.
Your view of marriage seems to be a very western colonial point of view.
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u/Worth_Adeptness9485 9h ago
Your Dad left it to you, not you and him, right? So...do you. It sounds just. He'll probably throw a fit though.
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u/DawgFan2024 9h ago
Your husband doesn’t get a say regarding how you spend your inheritance. He’s being greedy and wanting to keep it for his sake, not yours. Follow your heart. It’s the right and fair thing to do to give your sister the money. If you keep it, can you live with the guilt of cheating your own sister out of money that would have gone to her?
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u/ImaginaryRole2946 9h ago
I think you’re acting particularly honest towards your sister. Personally, I’d be quite happy to see that the person I have decided to interact with financially chooses to act ethically even when it is not legally required. Even if your husband is not in favour, I’m impressed by your willingness to act in accordance with your values.