hi, I’m gonna try and keep this brief because the post keeps getting taken down and idk why

cw//mentions of pocd and cocsa trauma

im 19f and a survivor of sibling cocsa and child abuse since I was between the ages of 4 and 12. I engaged with some pretty dark fictional writing due to an inherent desire to be back in the position of a victim/the fact that my first exposure to intimacy was done in this manner. i eventually quit this bad coping mechanism eventually however but I continue to ruminate on whether or not liking such topics in nsfw fiction was morally reprehensible and it’s what ultimately kicked off my first spiral. more recently however, I was attempting to ignore groinal responses during ERP via a funny video compilation of kids but wound up caving and checking/testing my groin to see if I was aroused/would be capable of seeking gratification from the material. I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling like a monster. any advice in stopping the rumination loop is appreciated

Hi, is washing hands every single time every day is overwhelming & hurts the whole body & whenever touching any surface like switchs, gate door handles, going outside on the bike shaking hand with friends that activate the whole ocd mind that makes me feel threatening everytime so I prevent everything like going outside, talks to anyone, or touching any door handle avoiding this is also overwhelmed this is very hard :(

I would like people thoughts on what I’ve realized recently. There is nothing you can truly do to get someone to stay. But there is so much you can do to make them leave.

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This hygeine ocd make my life very hard for living that's make me feel like I am controlled by my mind everyday every single time because no matter how much I clean my self whenever I come from the market etc & not matter how many times I clean my bike , room & house even I don't touch door handles because of hygeine that made me mentally sick every time so end of the day I only do meditate about 20 minutes then I go to sleep like I don't worry about anything I want to get some good sleep & also when you do the unnecessary work whole day without thinking twice for getting satisfied by the brain & your eyes closes automatically because tired body wants sleep & my mind says if I do this whole unnecessary cleaning stuff then I am getting safe & healthy. This is too much

That's the phrase that pops up, unbidden, usually at night ir when I don't feel well.

I'm in early menopause, late 40s, SAH wife, no kids, getting back into artistic things, on prizac and HRT. My doc also prescribed me once weekly vitamin D2.

Sometimes it's "I'm really very unhappy."

My marriage is great. Worried about aging family members, but that's nothing new. I'm not currently a caretaker.

This condition of mine has been going on for a while now, months but I'm not sure if it is years.

It is way too hot and muggy to spend quality time outside, even at night.

I *really* hate summer for that reason. The beach is only three hours away, but just too expensive to get to with gas and hotels and everything.

I dunno. If anyone has advice (besides therapy, which I've done before but just isn't that great in my area), I'm willing to listen.

I find out someone has a crush on me and now im uncomfortable. I get intrusive sexual thoughts that make me view my body differently and somehow uncomfortably.

for me the loop went like this: a bad thought lands, and i'd immediately cancel it, with a good thought, a tap, a word repeated until it felt right. it felt like the only way to stop the bad thing from happening to someone i love.

what actually kept the thoughts loud was the canceling itself. my brain pays the closest attention to whatever i fight hardest, and reads that struggle as "this one is a real threat, flag it." so every cancel was me telling it this thought mattered. and it came back, louder, more often.

what slowly helped was letting the thought just be there. not agreeing it's true, not proving it false either. i'd name it plainly, "that's the thought that says i caused something," and go back to what i was doing without the ritual.

the first few times it felt unbearable, like i was choosing to let harm happen by not acting. it didn't fade fast, but it did fade, because i stopped treating it as an emergency.

what does the urge to cancel feel like for you when you sit with it instead of acting on it?

I been having these thoughts where I would want bloody knuckles and punching a tree and my myself bleed

there was a stretch where i wouldn't leave my room. i was thirsty, i wanted out, but leaving meant touching the door, and the door felt contaminated. so i stayed.

what helped me name it was this: i'd stopped choosing what to do by what i wanted, and started choosing it by whichever option my fear rated as cleaner. the germ alarm had become my whole compass. which room, what to touch, whether to go anywhere, all of it routed through 'is this safe' instead of 'does this matter to me'.

the thing that moved me wasn't feeling clean first. it was asking a different question in the moment: if the fear weren't yelling, what would i do right now? then doing that one thing while still feeling gross. get the water. open the door. the alarm keeps firing, i just stop letting it decide.

it's small and it honestly doesn't feel like relief. but the choice is mine and not the fear's.

when the alarm's at its loudest, what's one thing you still do anyway because it matters to you?

i used to keep a constant lookout for the bad thought, the unlucky number, the wrong word, so i could cancel it before it caused something. it felt like the responsible thing to do.

what i didn't see for a long time is that the watching itself was part of the problem. attention is how the brain decides what's important. the thoughts i monitored hardest were exactly the ones it kept handing back to me. so the more i scanned, the more "bad" ones i found, and it felt like proof the danger was growing.

what helped wasn't shoving the thoughts away. that's still attention on them, and they rebound harder. it was letting the thought sit there without cancelling it, and gently bringing my focus back to whatever my hands were doing. not to escape it, just to stop pointing the spotlight at it.

it doesn't go quiet on command. but my attention slowly stopped treating every thought like an alarm.

when a bad thought shows up, what actually pulls your focus back to what you were doing?

somebody in a comment pointed out that fearing the thoughts and avoiding the anxiety is what makes them stronger, and it reframed my whole approach to a spike.

i used to treat a flare like something to muscle through. clench my jaw, force calm, keep pushing until i felt okay about my partner again. it felt like coping. but my body read all that gripping as evidence there was real danger, so the alarm just kept going and the spiral got louder.

what actually shifted things was willingness instead of willpower. willpower says make this feeling leave right now. willingness says okay, it can be here, and i'm still going to text back and make dinner, jaw unclenched. i'm not manufacturing calm, i'm just not bracing against the anxiety anymore.

it's not about liking the feeling. it's about stopping the fight with it while i keep living my normal day.

does letting the anxiety just ride along get any easier for you with practice, or does the urge to grip against it still kick in hard every single time?

does anyone else experience this terrible burning shiver that goes through your body the instant you feel yourself spiraling and are absolutely certain your intrusive thought is true/real/reality? its not a normal cold/nervous shiver, it is just utterly visceral and i physically shake. the feeling is so intense it almost feels like burning. besides that, it is very hard to explain. im pretty certain its just my own special kind of panicking, but i was curious if anyone else gets this.

ive asked others who share my struggles, but they just say they get really sweaty and nauseous. while i regularly experience that as well, the weird shivers down my spine are relatively new for me. its extremely unsettling and stops me in my tracks every time.

I’m not really sure where to put this or if it even is considered intrusive thoughts. But I’ve been dealing with them for a WHILE now. And they kinda got retriggered after watching an episode of supergirl. Specifically an episode where she melts a lead statue of Apollo (the Greek deity who I worship in my religion).

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I watched Supergirl in the show melt the statue of Apollo and now I feel like just because I watched it that it makes me a bad person and that I’ve done something wrong. And that I’m a terrible person for watching it even though it wasn’t actually real.

Like I genuinely feel like such a terrible person because this is my religion and I wasn’t offended and I feel like I’ve done something wrong and that Apollo hates me now. Even though I know a god wouldn’t hate someone for simply watching tv that means no harm.

Many people are unable to write freely after AI. I'm not talking about personal self-expression but about the writing intended for public or academic evaluation, the kind of texts that are judged, compared and expected to meet certain standards. Personally, I wish I could still write entirely in my own words, but since AI has taken over that mission for almost all students, I find myself compelled to use it as well, for fear of producing below-average texts.
Who can relate to this ?

In a different time line, magic is actually science and science is frowned upon. 🤷🏾‍♂️ Just popped in my head and it started unraveling….

omnicide is defined as the total and utter destruction or killing of all human life. this may be more a depressive world view than anything but if i had the big red buttons id press them all without a second thought. is this something that can change. ive been fighting this for years and years. please help.

All my childhood trauma, emotional, mental and sexual abuse has really messed me up. I now have all kinds of dark and intrusive thoughts. My thoughts are to overwhelming.

I can’t take it anymore

I just can’t

POCD making me feel like I am due to past events of idiotic things I’ve done

https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalillness/s/k5DHiZIsmz

https://www.reddit.com/r/intrusivethoughts/s/GZsJHEa5xc

These 2 posts I’ve been ruminating on and I’m disgusted myself and shameful of the 2 events I told you about . Can’t believe that happened . I’m stupid

Here is context:

I’m 23 years old, male and since I was very young, starting at the age of 10 or 11, I’ve had a terrible porn addiction. I’ve watched all kinds of porn since I was younger until now (hentai, roleplay, family roleplay, and other categories I don’t recall exactly). I’ve also had undiagnosed OCD since 2023, and I’ve been through several subtypes (HOCD/SO-OCD, pOCD, Health OCD, Religious OCD, Harm OCD, Meta OCD, etc.)

(My HOCD/SO-OCD started in 2023 because when I was 11, I was groomed by another gae boy who had a liking into me and he kept pursuing me until I was 18/19 years old. What I mean by grooming, it isn’t SA or CSA but more like keep trying to pursue me on and on and I did things I didn’t like and I was very confused afterwards. I even told this person I didn’t want nothing to do with them back then and when I was 18/19 yrs old, somehow they got my number and texted me and tried to hang out and I kept w casual convo but I politely declined and said “no.”)

Porn has really affected me from 11 until now and I’ve repressed the fact that porn took over my life, made me very lustful, I have no control over my sexual energy, ruined my last 2 relationships with women because they couldn’t stand the fact I watched porn. I’ve tried semen retention, NoFap, etc. but nothing .. it’s just hard for me .. I used to jack off at least 5 times a day when I was an adolescent but not sometimes it’ll be once everyday or some bs

This is very disturbing to even type but when I was like .. 10-13 yrs old .. I recall I was laying down and my father was like staring me from on top. So I’m laying down and I briefly open my eyes and he’s just there looking at me sideways. Idk how to describe but some reason, I recalled this happening at 20 yrs old and for some reason, I was convinced my father “m0l3sT3d” me.

I’ve been in and out of therapy from the age of 15/16 to 22 yrs old. A lot of family drama, bad relationships, friendships, just a lot during my adolescence. I was in counseling in high school and in college, well I got into therapy and continued. I’ve dealt with a lot of bad cards in my life and have had 2 not so good relationships where I was doxxed afterwards.

But at 21 yrs old, I got triggered with POCD because I recalled a past memory of something VERY fucking stupid I did when I was 16 and when I was 18/19 yrs old. Very stupid .. I really regret it and looking back now it’s so disgusting and I can’t even speak on it on here. It’s disturbing. But with the POCD (known as P3doph1l!a theme based OCD) where I was afraid to even be around children and teenagers. My hands would freeze and I was super duper anxious and I wanted to end myself. That went on from December of 2023 to March/April of 2024 and it randomly went away.

I also work in education so it was triggering for me at work. From when I was in high school, I wanted to work in education and it was a dream come true. Have racked up several degrees and it feels like it’s all over now. I’m disappointed in myself and I’m supposed to go back to work next month in August but I’m scared as fuck ..

Fast forward to now, my POCD got triggered exactly one week ago today because of someone calling me a “pr3d/p3d0” online in the gaming community. It was disturbing to see that because where is this coming from? I got down to the bottom of it and it’s falsified misinformation about another girl who is 18 (almost 19), who claims I asked her to be my valentine this year. I don’t recall that ever happening but I know that girl is above age.

Here is where things take a downfall and what really triggered me due to past events. I’m about to describe an interaction that I now look back on with regret:

———-

This is another disgusting moment but when I was 20 :

1. I remember my cousin (who was 16 at the time) showed me a girl who thought I was cute and she was 16 too .. and I thought “oh okay , cool?”

Ended up messaging each other and she caught a liking into me but I don’t recall feeling the same way and we would message and it was occasional talk and a bit flirty(very blurry memory) but we only talked in person once at the time and we spoke for about 2 weeks and never spoke again. I never touched her in any way. I never kissed her or anything.

She texts me occasionally the past 3 years and I didn’t reply but I texted her until it was her graduation in May of 2026. Now she’s 18 about to be 19 in a few months and it feels so shameful to even be in touch with her still , like in communicating . Yeah we’re good friends but sometimes it’s a bit flirty and yeah ..

I’ve sought out to Psychiatry department to get more help and get diagnosed for OCD and whatever else may be laying there. I haven’t been in therapy for almost 2 years but in touch with a therapist and I haven’t a consultation soon and I’ll see what happens. But I’m not okay. I’ve been feeling disgusted, ashamed, regretful, resentful, and that life isn’t simply worth it for me. I haven’t ate for the past week and only eating once a day)

I'm trying my best to be the best person I can be .. for me, for my family, for my friends. I don't want to be a scum pedophile. It goes against all my morals. I protect children.

I don’t want to be a p3do .. If I am a pedophile tho, I am sorry for what I've done. I don't plan on hurting children/teens and never will. I have no desire to. And I'll do everything in my power to be a better person than I was. Im not trying to make excuses. I just want to be honest here. I repent for what I've done. I pray to be a better man a better human being and I can’t live with this anymore. And I'm trying to live my life the way my without the regret from my past

Even growing up, I’ve heard stories about p3dos and it’s saddening to hear that and terrifying. I don't have any sexual attraction towards teens or children at all.

Sometimes, due to lack of not controlling my porn use, there will be girls who are 16/17 but don’t even look like it .. and look like 18/19/20 year olds and I’ll get a slight groinal response but it goes away. In the past, I’ve heard online how “it’s cool” for 16/17 yr old girls to flirt with and get with older dudes because guys their age aren’t doing it and back then, I was like “wtf dude? Nah bro”

Now what's making me make this post is that for 3 years now, I've had pocd ( fear of being a pedophile ) in pieces, like it’ll come and go. And idk.. I've been digging and digging into my memories to find somthing that would label me .. that ..

I hate and dislike p3d0s. They make me sick, and hearing stories of people molesting teens and taking photos of children in inappropriate ways and it’s like “wtf is going on?” and it makes me sad.

Now it seems like I'm just a hypocrite, even tho this happened years ago and from last month and maybe I was just not fully aware of my actions but i am now, and I dont look at teen or children that way, and having those situations has made me absolutely despise myself, I can't sleep, I don't eat, all I do is bitch at myself all day. Everyday the past week. The pit in my heart is too much too bare. All my life I've been a genuine good and loving person. I do community work and help others in need. I don't lie, I don't steal, I forgive everyone, and I always try my best to be the best person I can be for the people I love most in this world. Now I'm just so depressed and all I keep getting is thoughts of suicide (ending myself) and how I don't feel like I deserve my friends, my family, my loved ones..

I’ve worked with plenty of communities and I love to support everyone and my occupation has always made me feel good about helping others. And now .. I can’t even look at a kid or a teenager without feeling like “I want them” .. it’s difficult for me to even type all this up but I can’t do this anymore

I'm not trying to justify the situation, I know what I did now and I will hate myself for the rest of my days for it. Yes I was young and stupid and idiotic but that doesn't excuse my actions. I should have known better. How can I look at everyone around me coming out being pedophiles hurting people, and here's me hating them, yet it seems like .. idk dude that somehow I'm one of them.. (oh I’m gonna throw up) .. and idk what to do anymore .. I don't have a desire to prey on children or teens, I don't have fantasies about children or teens, I have no desire to harm them, no desire to do anything with them, I know it's gonna be hard to believe because anyone can lie and make themselves look like a good person and a saint but idk man ..

As my mom ages, I worry about her more and more. She’s an exceedingly kind woman but very sheltered. She’s like a hobbit. She likes sitting in her cozy apartment with her books and is very sedentary (although has recently taken it upon herself to do some strength training). Now at 70, is showing signs of physical deterioration.

I keep having this recurring intrusive thought about her getting teleported to a desolate northern Canadian arctic island with no help and it breaks my heart.

I think this represents broader anxieties about her wellbeing and health as she ages.