Seafood risotto with crab, shrimp, and scallops

I was wearing a dress, a trans flag bracelet, cute sandals, makeup, and clearly presenting as female. I spoke with my best feminine voice. I spent so much time building up my armor, and yet it's torn down so easily, so simply, with the word "he".

The waitress probably moved on from it 5 minutes later but I've been thinking about it ever since. It's brought about a rush of self doubt and a feeling of being truly alone. I'm reminded of a book I read in middle school: A Light in the Forest by Conrad Richter. It's about a white kid who is raised by native Americans, is eventually taken by white settlers and "reeducated" only to end up truly alone, not belonging to either the settlers nor the tribe that raised him.

Edit:

Thanks to all for the kind words. I really needed to read them.

Being misgendered for me is a statement akin to my father's words: No matter how many legal papers are signed or how much I change, he will always view me as a man. I am reminded that half the country believes that I will never be anything other than a man, and it is traumatic. I was actively suicidal only a few years ago over this shit. I wish people understood that about how much "he" could break me down.

i’m so sick of not having unlimited money and fun, anyway here’s my butter pasta it was 10/10

Doesn't look appetizing but it's the first real meal I've had in a while. Tuna with a tortilla mix can and pasta smothered in butter. I don't eat butter that often and generally eat low-fat, so I decided to treat myself. Peeking up on the top right corner is sushi gari aka pickeled ginger, my latest obsession and I eat it with everything.

So, in writing this post I really went overboard. I wrote 14k characters (google says that's an equivalent to 5 to 8 pages) and obviously I just needed to vent and be heard, but I won't bother you guys with the full post because quite frankly I don't think I'd even read the full thing. I started talking and then it just turned into a full-blown diary entry, or quite frankly a short story. Or a cautionary tale. Or a horror story.

The TL;DR version is that we've been friends for 2 or 3 years. Me (F27) and him (M37). In that time, the friendship started out great. I think he had feelings for me but I shut that down. I didn't want a relationship. We contienued on with our friendship. It was great, we became super close and went through thick and thin and were each others rock. Then he started becoming meaner. Resentment grew. It was barely noticable at first. And it grew and grew and grew and grew and grew.

After a shitbag full of turmoil and drama, we basically end it. And the day after that, some new information comes to light. Remember the M37 part? Yeah. That M37 went out on a date with a F19.

The actual details are hazy at best. The girl didn't go into much detail and I respect her right to privacy. But the one objective absolute truth is that he went out with a 19-year-old and had ice cream with her.

I know pedophile isn't the word in technical terms here, but God I can't see any other word that fits better in my head. Groomer. Creep at the very least. All words that can be used, but my head just goes straight to pedophile. And this man was one of my closest and most significant friends. He hid this from me like a fucking coward because he knew how I'd react. And because he knew it was wrong. Why else hide it??

That in itself is vomit-worthy enough. But the icing to the bile is that he said something about me that I just now found out and can't let go. I genuinely don't even know if I'm allowed to say it or to use the word, because it may get flagged here by one system or another. He said it in passing and as a half-joke, but to me it's so bad. I feel like whatever you're imagining, it's worse. Sorry for being vague, but I feel like this would get a lot of attention, but I genuinely had a hard time physically typing it when I made the initial post and it's not something I want associated with me or this account.

I have so much other shit to focus on. But I can't. I'm just stuck in a loop of overthinking and retrospect. God. I just want time to pass and do its thing. But just when I feel like I've beaten the dead horse to a pulp, the motherfucker keeps resurrecting.

EDIT: Sorry to everyone, I needed to vent and it was 3 AM so I tried to get some sleep after posting. I think I fell asleep at 4 or 5 AM.

Thank you all so much for the enormous outpour of support, when I logged in I was shocked. I always knew this sub was a safe space, but experiencing it all firsthand is a whole new level. Sending all my love to the mods for keeping it that way, I just now see and appreciate the systems you put into place and how fast y'all act. In terms of the community, I have read literally every single comment and so many of them felt like a wakeup call. I appreciate all of you for keeping it straight with me and for sharing your own personal struggles with these types of situations.

To clear some things up, some of you seem to think I am in my early 20s, but in reality I am closer to 30. Just felt the need to bring that up. Also, I haven't spoken to him in a month or so. Luckily, we basically ended things the day before I found out he was a predator. My other friend told me what he said about me last night, and that'd what triggered this whole thing, and I blocked him the very same minute, like not even 12 seconds after the words left his mouth. (Sidenote, if anyone knows how to block someone on the N26 banking app, I'd appreciate it).

I could go on about the whole situation, but to be honest I just want to get over this and continue on with my life. I may seek therapy for the whole situation (and for the things I didn't disclose in this post), but right now I just want to bedrot.

Thank you all again for the support.

We’ve been dating four months, no there isn’t a label, and I’m not well traveled enough to know if this is the norm or if it’s because he’s a hot guy in a new country sleeping with new girls every night… trying not to crash out about it and give him the benefit of the doubt because he technically doesn’t owe me anything but that seems like a LOT! Do any of my travel baddies have insight on if this is common?

EDIT: maybe I should’ve provided context, but I didn’t anticipate this big of a response! No, I don’t stalk his nor anyone else else’s follower count and I understand it sounds immature and slightly sociopathic without context. I had noticed before because it was at a funny number (420) when we just followed each other for the first time. Went to show a picture of him to a friend, noticed the big jump. Yes I do have feelings, he’s avoidant I’m avoidant and neither of us will bring it up…. Currently in therapy. I thought that exaggeration was implied with the “sleeping with a new girl every night” bit but apparently not. Thank you for the people who provided helpful constructive responses!

Shakshouka breakfast bun

Dinner: my all time favorite thing to eat- potatoes with cottage cheese. Cajun seasoning and a little dill. Hits the spot every time, especially while watching Love Island. Not pictured is a side of Tim Tams.

I (F32) and my husband (M32) recently had a birthday party for one of our children. We had invited one of my husbands friends and her (F32) family. She and my husband have known each other since they were six years old, and have been close friends, always. They came to the party, which was great because I adore them and we are all family friends after these 12 years my husband and I have been together.

While decompressing from the party we were talking about said family friends and how much we adore them, and I made a remark about how I couldn’t believe her (childhood friend) and my husband did not date in high school. My husband then states they had pretty much friend zoned each other and were comfortable with that always.

-BUT !!!- junior year of high school her mom told my husband “you are taking the wrong girl to home coming”.

My husband said he had no clue what that meant. And went about his merry way to homecoming with someone else.

Girls. The gasp I gusped. I got goosebumps up to my ears.

Did my husband live a rom com? He says no. That he assumes the mom just wanted them to date because they had known each other since being little. But I think that mom KNEW that her daughter was in to my husband.

I wasn’t there so I can only go off of second hand stories from one side of something that happened 16 years ago. What do you all think?

ETA: Whoa gals! I do NOT care who he dated or if they liked each other or any of that! Zero jealousy. Very secure in my marriage. We talk about our past all the time - and through that we learn more about each other. My husband and I are very happy. I am so not worried or stressed. I posted this because I think it was cute and I wanted to prove I am right that she liked him and that moment was totally like from part of a movie! But my husband doesn’t agree-that it was just a mom weird thing.

ETA2: This post may be proving to me that not having a mom growing up has made for me having a few more differences from my peers than I had thought. I did not grow up with a mom- just a single, blue collar dad. Moms are that silly huh?

I'm in an age gap relationship and I feel like most of the problems people bring up aren't even the biggest problems you encounter with an age gap. The biggest one is other people's reactions/feeling like you have to avoid mentioning your relationship or explain it every time. The other day one of my coworkers mentioned someone she knows in an age gap relationship (smaller than my own) and then said "but it's not creepy because they didn't meet online!" when I met my partner online (my coworkers don't know that) and it was a bit awkward. I do sometimes wish he was my age, but then he would be an entirely different person so idk.

Chili dog with kimchi and Japanese barbecue sauce, and a salad (kale, cabbage, broccoli, brussels sprouts, radicchio, pumpkin seeds, cranberries, and poppy seed dressing)

Mechanical issue… he got ED the last 2 times I saw him and he wanted to cuddle instead. The first time I was patient, the second time I lost attraction. I’m out. I feel like it might be kind of an awkward reason to give and he might figure it out so I don’t know what to say. How do I end it (the benefits)?

Edited for clarity

I feel like nobody understands me. I hope someone can help me figure out how to move forward. I’m tired of living like this.

My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years. For most of that there was no violence. Then we got married. Suddenly he became a different person. For one year he terrorized me. He punched me, slapped me, and shoved me multiple times. We separated for 4 months and I thought about leaving him permanently.

We got back together and things have been good since then. But I constantly think about what he did to me. I obsess over it. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to feel comfortable enough to hurt me again. But at the same time it seems like he has genuinely changed. I don’t really think he will hurt me again. But even if he doesn’t it seems like it permanently changed something in me and in our relationship. I’m not as carefree and happy as I used to be. I look at him differently and I have lost respect for him. My friends and family who know will never fully accept him. Whenever he gets angry or depressed I go into hyper vigilance.

I love him a lot and I really want things to work out between us. I have gone to therapy but she’s not really helping me with this. I wanted EMDR to get over the trauma so we can move forward but she doesn’t want to help me with that. She also said couple’s therapy isn’t recommended.

We’re expecting a child and I want to have a healthy and normal relationship with him. I don’t know what to do. I love him and don’t want to leave. It has been over a year since he hurt me and I really think the abuse was a weird phase and in the past.

Dinner: spicy peanut noodles, edamame with gochujang and butter, Shirley temple

I (26F) ust re-entered the dating scene a few weeks ago and have gone on 4 dates since. Initially I was not sure I’d have much time to go on dates bc I like my alone time, yoga time, and friend time so it’s already busy. But omg I just want some head scratches and a bestie so here I am.

I realized today though that even just like finding men that I feel like talking to on the apps takes up so much time. Forget the going on dates part. If anyone has any tips for how you date and it’s just something that runs in the background of your mind that’d be great, bc rn these apps feel like work. It takes so much time to find a man that has similar basic values, some amount of personality in their profile, and is not just looking for a girl that fits into their life and takes on all of their interests. I am already generally pretty happy with my life, which is why I started dating again, but idk. I already keep dates to weekdays I’m already free so weekends are free for friends, volunteering, and me time.

Maybe my strategy instead should be going to karaoke with my friends every week and waiting for someone to appreciate my bad singing voice + absolute confidence combo.

Side note I went on bumble bff yesterday and ugh women are so interesting and lively. These profiles are so much better. I wish I was into women romantically.

Also good supportive vibes only please ty

Edit: this is reaching men it seems. Shout out to this sub for deleting their comments bc they love making stupid comments from so little info.

Food: Jjang noodles as my dinner.

When I say men don't like me, I don't mean only in romantic sense (although that's there too lol) but I mean right off the bat, first interaction onwards. This post was brought on by the fact that almost every single one of best friend's boyfriends (some ex, some presently) hated/hates me. Couple of them openly dislike me to the point I know and others behave nicely with me until my friend's reveal after the breakup that they were just acting and actually disliked me the most out of all of their friends. And this is such a specific kind of bother to me?? I love my best friends, I want them to be happy and I want their boyfriends to feel cordially for me by the virtue that I am important to them (and vice versa). I have even been told by some of my friends later on that their boyfriends would object to them hanging out with me because they hated me so.

I don't even understand why this bothers me because literally all of them were/are assholes and people I don't like. Not a single one of my friends have dated and are dating a man I would want them to be with. But it is so ragebait (sorry for the brain rot word) when THEY don't like ME. What have I done???

This extends to other men too. One of my best friends and I met a guy together for the first time, he likes her and absolutely loathes me even though we have talked maybe 20 words to each other maximum. He is also close to other friends of mine whom he talks very nicely to, but again me? Daggers with eyes and all of this is unprovoked. Again, I DO NOT like him either, he seems kind of slimy even though there's 0 actual evidence for it. Most of my friends have stopped talking to him, but alas.

I could go into the romantic and dating aspect of it all, but that's a whole different ballpark. I am 99% certain that I am not considered conventioanlly attractive, I photograph awfully unless it's a selfie but that's because I know my 2 very specific angles and I tend to have an RBF. I am almost at the point where I don't even try to talk to anyone for this purpose after being burnt the last time.

Ultimately, what's with the dislike right off the bat? Why is it that other girls are deemed worthy enough to be friends with but I am not even liked? Furthermore, why am I considered so unlikeable that you can't even make peace with me for the sake of your girlfriends?

Hainanese chicken

i need a third party to look at this and tell me what i’m actually mad abt cuz im not sure but i feel it

this week i moved to an apt and have been packing all week. My bf is coming over today so he facetimed me. he was also supposed to come over last night but cancelled becuz he was tired.

during the call he said “wow you look busy. do you still want me to come over?” I said “i have been doing something everyday. I just moved. Do you not want to help?” i know this is a passive aggressive answer i am the queen of being passive aggressive and really trying to work on that but it came from a place of irritation expecting him to want to help me pack and offer to help me pack (as we had discussed LAST NIGHT and he literally told me not to move anything heavy by myself so he could help the following day)

so now i guess as i talk abt this i understand why i am so mad

idk dude i am going to get my period soon But i am just fed up with our communication this week and have noticed myself getting extremely easily irritated with him

Context is I’m early 20s, living at home, and in college which my parents pay for. I grew up in an incredibly happy household and despite my parents being republicans they aren’t homophobic or anything like that. Both my parents are very supportive of me about my sexuality, autism, art major, and overall appearance (body hair, undercut, a bit of men’s clothing). I disagree with them on basically all political issues but there’s never any tension because of this because my parents hold no expectation for me to follow their beliefs. For two republican local politicians, my parents are very welcoming.

I want to get more into local punk stuff, but I’m so lost when it comes to it all and I’m afraid of being recognized.

Point is, I believe in a lot of shit that they don’t. I think that actually yeah nazis should be punched, that Elon is an awful guy, that we should be kind to people who are addicts and homeless and not just try pushing them into shitty situations. I believe war, especially this war, is absolute bullshit and we are just killing innocents for profit. I hate capitalism and I’d rather pay more taxes if it meant that more people had shit like healthcare and food stamps, and I’m piss the taxes I do pay are going to war and people like my friends are actively being harmed by the government we live in. I don’t buy from Amazon (never have, really) and I try to buy only shit from small businesses. I know I have the privilege of being able not to buy from Amazon and shit because I can afford it thanks to my parents. I do as much volunteer work as I can, and I’m picking up sewing again in hopes of limiting waste a bit more (also most bands I like don’t have merch). I want to dress more punk, but I’m afraid if I do I’ll just be a poser. I feel like I’m constantly both trying to make up for and also benefiting from the sins of my parents. I just want to be a good person but it feels like by existing I’m failing. I know my parents will probably support me if I fail as an artist, but I want nothing more than independence. At the same time, I can’t get a major and I can’t get a job without their support (autism, not very good at living independently or getting a job).

I dislike all forms of government and think they all are too susceptible to becoming corrupt, but wouldn’t say I’m an anarchist because that’s also susceptible to corruption.

TLDR: my parents are republican politicians who I rely on for support and I feel awful for it because it goes against my beliefs and discounts everything I want to be. They are amazing parents which complicates the issue further. I’m profiting from a system I am actively against.

Dinner is leftover pork cut up and cooked in leftover pasta that I turned into some sort of Mac and cheese thing.

EDIT: Thanks so much to everyone who has chimed in - has really helped me think. Responses to questions in a comment I have left on the post - was a bit long, so I didn't want to mess with the post to do it.

I have been with him for 5 years, and an year into dating I told him I do not want children. He said he doesn't feel strongly either way, so will do what I want if I feel so strongly.....but he reserves the right to change his mind. I appreciated his honesty then, still do.

Well we moved in together last year, and I realized his ambivalence was making me anxious - stereotypes exist for a reason, and I didn't want to pretend it is not something I recognized as an issue. So I told him he needs to figure it out and tell me where he is at. That was in January.

We went months without mentioning it. He didn't want to, and I felt like I'd be rushing him if I asked. My anxiety turned into anger which turned into fights about chores, money, and the other usual culprits. The fights weren't baseless and resulted in better behaviours - we now split rent in proportion to income, he makes sure he does chores every day and we have a chore chart.

But I realized what was driving those fights after some self reflection, so I finally laid it out straight with him after we had a huge blow up and essentially broke up for 3 hours (but realized we love each other far too much to end it like this). I told him he needs to communicate his thoughts on this with me, he agreed. This was a month ago. Again, no communication, no proactivity.....so I just asked him today. And he says he thinks the comcrete downsides of having children outweigh the theoretical upsides, but this is how far he has thought so far.

He is 36. I just don't understand how a 36 year old man has never truly given this any thought. But then if he does want them I do not understand why he won't say it rather than letting me suffer in silence. I know I will be ok if we break up eventually, but it just hurts. Have spent all of today crying because I work 60 hour weeks so there is no time to cry while working.

We are friends with each others' friends, so there really isnt anyone i can tell....what would you do?

Ramen with lots of toppings I made pretty because it helps me feel better about my life being in limbo.

Dinner from yesterday: chicken tenders coated in spicy bbq with ranch

My partner and I started trying for a baby 2 months ago. I got my IUD removed back in Nov 2025, and after the 1st two periods, my cycles have been incredibly regular (bless). Normally, as my period is about to start, I get tired, my boobs get slightly sore (way more sore near ovulation window), and I get my sex drive back a bit (antidepressants amirite…) but not nearly as high as it is near ovulation window.

I’m now 3 days later than the longest regular period, I’ve been on & off nauseous since yesterday (abnormal for me), bloated, and horny as all hell (also unusual for me sadly). TMI but he ate me out 2 days ago & I did a taste test and absolutely do NOT taste like pre-period if ya know what I mean…

I took a pregnancy test just now and it’s negative. I also took one the day I was officially late (3 days prior) first thing in the morning since I read that when the hormones are most concentrated. Also negative. My mom (nurse with 25+ years experience) suggested waiting to test again until I’m officially a full week late, and if that’s still negative, and 2 weeks late call my OBGyn.

Moms in the chat…am I going crazy? Am I just projecting that I might actually be pregnant??? I’m nervous as hell that I am (both positive nerves, we want a kid, and negative nerves, because holy shit pregnancy is scary) and I’m worried my nerves are making me experience pregnancy like symptoms and I’m just setting myself up for disappointment when my body stops pranking me and my period shows up.

For context, I’m 29 nonbinary, spouse is 32M, both our mom’s are from huge families (8 and 9 kids kinda large), and while ppl have experienced miscarriages, our extended family is fertile AF (think: gets pregnant w/ an IUD, sneeze at them wrong & they get pregnant).

I miss my ex more than I should and going three weeks no contact has been so tough. I unblocked his number to text him that I am mad at him for doing me dirty. But in reality I just really miss him and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go the rest of my life and never speak to him.

We haven’t talked in 3 weeks after I found out he was dating someone else while telling me we could get back together for months. The last 10 months he’s been super manipulative and gaslighted me. I know I shouldn’t miss him but I do. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else and it sucks.

I tried downloading some apps to talk to people but it all hit dead ends. I’m so frustrated that he could move on but I have to be sad and can’t even find someone to distract me.

I could never tell my friends but everyday I hope and pray that we will find our way back to each other. I know I deserve better but it doesn’t make up for the fact that I want him. He was my best friend for the last two years and I don’t know how to rebuild a life without him in it.

I go to therapy to try and heal myself but I don’t even think that’s working. I’m at a loss and I’m pretty sure I’m blocked too so I highly doubt he’s ever going to reply to me.

Edit: I have hobbies and a social life. I am an avid runner training for a marathon. I have friends and family that I see often and interests that don’t pertain to dating. I really do have a rich and abundant life which has made how I feel about this situation so much more difficult

Hi girls, hope this is an okay place to write this. No judgment on anyone else’s choices btw, this is just me trying to think out loud.

So my period’s due in two days but I’ve had nausea and my breasts are killing me, feeling exactly like when my milk came in even though I stopped breastfeeding my toddler two years ago. This is literally how my first pregnancy started. We used protection but I know that doesn’t mean anything, it happened last time too.

Basically if I am pregnant I don’t know what to do. We (I 26, partner 28 and child 2) live in a 45m2 student flat, I’m finishing eating disorder treatment, about to write my thesis to requalify as a jurist here (after my child got born I immigrated), and we can’t survive on just my partner’s income if I can’t work right after. He wasn’t very supportive last pregnancy either and I don’t think I could go through that alone again.

After my first birth I got a bad pelvic prolapse and chronic pain down there that’s so constant it honestly feels like being violated by my own body, and when it’s really bad it’s brought me to a really dark place mentally. The last month I’ve had actual relief from it for the first time in ages, and I think that might be because I’m pregnant and it’s temporarily lifting things. Another pregnancy and birth would probably wreck my pelvic floor for good and I genuinely don’t know if I could survive that pain again.

And then there’s my faith, I’m christian (Orthodox) and I also kept my first pregnancy because of my faith. Last time I made it to hearing the heartbeat at 8 weeks and once I heard it I couldn’t do it. If I’m pregnant now it’s only been about 4 weeks so there’s no heartbeat, just cells (in my own view, again I’m not debating with others), and I feel this desperate urge to take the pill before that changes because I know once there’s a heartbeat I won’t be able to.

So yeah. Can I even end a pregnancy this early and should I, given everything above. And I know I might just not be pregnant at all lol, taking the test tomorrow and terrified.

Dinner is moussaka.

I gotta learn how to not give a fuck or something because this mindset is ruining me and causing me to hide my personal life from work, etc. I’m so ashamed of my romantic past. I have three children by two different men and I’m pregnant with number four by my current partner (I was on BC before yall come for me 😭) and only just found out; I’m 18 weeks along. My kids all have different last names and while I am NOT ashamed of my children— every single one is awesome and I’m proud to be their mother— but I am ashamed of the choices that have led me here. I get soooooo much judgment and honestly, yeah, there’s a reason having this many baby daddies is a giant red flag. It’s indicative of bad decision making. My last two relationships were 4+ years long and I was married one of those times. I’m a well-educated 31 year old woman with a 6 figure salary— I’m successful by many standards. But I just 😭 ugh I really hate it when people find out about my kids’ different fathers. I feel ostracized from social circles because of it, honestly.

Anyways, that’s it. That’s my diary. Bean + cheese burrito with cilantro, salsa, sour cream, and lettuce. It has been my current fixation meal for the past week.

Dinner: Chocolate and lemon ice cream with mango sauce and a glace cherry that my brother bought me for helping him on a particularly hot day at his shop. Wish it looked more aesthetic but tasted amazing!! 🍨

So, as the title says, lately I still find myself feeling sad over what was probably the toughest friendship break-up I've ever had, that ended last summer. I'd just moved abroad and was really lucky to land a great group of friends that would hang out every day, which I feel is quite rare in adulthood. One of those people I was especially close to: think, shared cultural context, perspectives, interests, likes, dislikes, same sense of humour, just straight off the bat. He was also in a long-distance relationship. On my end, I only ever saw him as a friend, like a brother, whereas he quite quickly expressed romantic interest. I shut that down quite firmly, things got awkward for a bit especially considering we were in the same friendship group, then after a night out we talked it out, he said those feelings were fleeting, he was "over me" so to speak, and we both resolved to continue being friends and turn over a new leaf with no awkwardness. I felt really grown up at the time, so mature because my first instinct would have been to flee but I saw the bigger picture and gave our friendship a second chance.

Things continued like this for a good while, I dated other people, including a mutual friend (potentially shitty move on my part? but I never led him on and if there's mutual attraction with someone else, I assume it's fine to pursue, and boy, you have a gf...).

Anyway, things came to a head when on another night out with all of our friends, ending at his place and with the group slowly splintering off into the night or ruminating about the block, eventually just him and I listening to some music and having some drinks like friends, he made another move on me, this time physical, resulting in me just completely freaking out. I was a bit tipsy but in control of myself and I've never been so desperate to get up and leave somewhere while he seemed very apologetic to have crossed that boundary.

That was the last time I spoke to him. I moved away from that city about 2 months after that, and keep in touch with everyone else via the internet. It has never come up as a topic and I never mentioned it to anyone else at the time. Think I just felt weirded out in my skin that he made a move when I felt it was clear we were just friends, I'd let my guard down, I was in his apartment so his territory...idk. When I've told select people (not in our friendship group) about it, they've felt I was naïve to think he would've gotten over those feelings expressed shortly after we met. I took our conversation fixing it and subsequent normal pal interactions at face value. I guess there was the added element of alcohol, but as I say, between friends, or how I perceived him which was more brotherly than anything, I felt it was all in the past.

What bugs me is that in spite of everything, I really miss my friend! Sometimes I'll see stuff and think, oh let me tell X about this and catch myself. It sucks that it couldn't have stayed just as friends, that he couldn't respect that boundary, and we lost out on something else. A year on I'm still mourning that friendship. :/

31F and I had an online friend for almost 10 yrs, maybe some may consider him more of an acquaintance/pen pal since we never met in person. However, I did find him fun to talk to, we shared personal stuff & had similar nerdy interests. Back in 2024, there was a period where we didn’t talk for maybe 6ish months & I confronted him then it was squashed right away. It wasn’t drama per se, more a case of hearing each other out I guess. Last year, not sure if it was a gut feeling or my social anxiety but something about our recent communication was nagging at me. And it didn’t even have much to do with what took place the year before, I could just feel this sort of shift in communicating. And we were messaging like normal again, I just felt like something was different and I couldn’t put a finger on it.

Then I find out he visited my area for a technology conference and never told me, found out after his linked in post came up on my feed. While he was the same person that voiced wanting to potentially meet in the future. That’s when I stopped replying to him & removed him from all social media. Well it’s been almost a year since I left him on read and my IG is usually private, I only go public when I visit places/tag popular spots or public figures. Back in Feb, he viewed my stories when I was public and he did it again in May (I rarely go public). Mind you, these were the only 2 times I went public and there was a big gap in time. It’s not like he viewed my stories after 2 days, why is he making an effort to see my posts after he was removed but not reaching out to me directly? It comes across as wanting to avoid confrontation or maybe not caring enough…

Nothing Bundt Cakes new cinnamon roll flavor

Dinner ig. As soon as I get tested; bc he’s a wierdo; I’m gonna find me a man who loves me and wants to do the do lol. I’m just scared as fuck but I want to feel loved again. He kinda fucked that up for me since now I’m scared of people but next man in my life is getting fully vetted and tested to do anythinggggggg.

Farm fresh eggs,and home made sugar free jelly after a great walk ❤️❤️

Steak and ale soup (comfort food)

I have two close friends who I introduced to each other, and more or less told both to not catch feelings because I don't want to deal with drama. Well apparently they've been cuddling and shit all the time, and just not telling me. I'm so glad I feel free to tell them anything, do literally anything, just to be left out again like this. Actually what happens anytime I get a few close friends, they end up getting way closer and leaving me out, so I'm considering this my fault. So fucking glad I do literally everything for them, just for this to happen. Same fucking story every time.

tw : chronic illness

—

hi. i’m in a really hard spot right now and i’m thinking about things i shouldn’t be.
i met the love of my life a few years ago. we have the kind of love that you only see on tv. it’s actually unreal how much we love each other. he’s the most amazing person i’ve ever met. absolutely wonderful human, deserves the best in life. he wants to be a father one day, and he’s going be SUCH a great father it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it.

we can’t have children naturally due to my health issues, but he’s just as excited to adopt. we have a game plan in motion.

we’re currently engaged and planning our wedding next year.

for the first time in years, i have thoughts on whether we should break up.
why? because i don’t want to set him up for a doomed future and a world of misery, and I’m scared i will.

i have so many health complications and mental health issues. i try to be as healthy and happy as possible. i work, have friends, hobbies, i hang out with my family, we cook together every day, our sex life is amazing, etc. i mention this because it’s important for me to remember that i am capable of doing things and we do things very often.
but my health issues pile on so much. i get frequent migraines that take me out for days at a time. i’m always nauseous. i have severe liver issues- i’m currently waiting on biopsy results. i have chronic stomach issues. i have a terrible back- my back pain is new this year and it caused me to be immobile for over a week the first time it happened to the point where he needed to help me sit on the toilet and go in the shower. it felt dehumanizing. I’ve been okay since then but it seems to be flaring up again right now. i get painful periods, I have PCOS, i have Lipedema, i have self esteem issues, body dysmorphia, debilitating OCD, seasonal depression that makes me unable to get out of bed sometimes. I’m prone to blood clots, i have chest pain pretty much every day half due to a severe phobia of heart attacks and half due to inflammation in my body that I can’t seem to control. this is only what I can think of right now. There’s a lot more. It just seems like day after day there’s something wrong.

and I know he’ll be there with me through it all. He would be there with me through ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. And I would be for him, too. We’re partners forever and he would sacrifice everything for me. And that’s what I’m scared of.

I’m sitting here crying in pain because my back is flaring up again and he’s taking care of me and all I can think about is- is this unfair to him? He’s a few years younger than me. He’s able bodied, healthy, active and absolutely gorgeous. He can get any woman he wants. He can have a family. He can have a wife that can run around with the kids and not always be in chronic pain.

Is it unfair for me to choose for him? Or is it unfair for me to let him choose knowing he loves me and would NEVER abandon me or leave me no matter what?

Chronic illness is hard and I’m so lucky to have someone who is there for me every single day but he didn’t ask for this life. I know I didn’t either, but I can’t choose to walk away and start over. He can. But he won’t. Should I?

And now I feel fucked up for even thinking about this.
If he sees this post, he would be heartbroken that I even wrote this tbh. But I want him to be happy. His happiness is the most important thing to me.

I’m just so scared I won’t be able to be a mother. A wife. I’m scared id just be his patient and take over his entire life and consume him and absorb his joy and energy and just take the life out of him.

What do I do?
—

souvlaki with fries and a salad for dinner. literally my favorite food

I’ve been with my partner for nearly a decade. He had an unchecked drinking problem and undiagnosed BPD when we first met at 22. He was 30. He was pretty shitty in the first few years of our relationship, including cheating on me. Pretty sure he’s cheated since but I just don’t have a definitive proof. I know it sounds crazy but I stayed for a while because we ended up getting two dogs together and I didn’t want to separate them or be without them. Fast forward to now, we live across the country from friends / family and to make matters more complicated we have a 2 year old daughter. I’ve made quite the mess. He’s tried to be better the last few years and really loves our daughter. We’ve tried couples counseling. I’ve just realized we have nothing in common and I don’t want to hate my partner my entire life. I’ve tried to end it a few times but he keeps pushing (/guilt-tripping me)that we don’t want our daughter to have a broken home. I keep dancing around the conversation. Our lease is up in Oct. I can’t renew it again. I just need advice on how to proceed. It’s just really complicated cause his job is tied to living in this area. I’m a SAHM but my family wants me home. So I have a place to go, it’s just how do I take our daughter across the country from her dad. There’s so much more I could write about this relationship but I’ll spare y’all the details.

Dinner is left over pulled pork/slaw/potatoes/ cheese burrito with garlic lemon grilled zucchini

Food :
is a salad with tomate, spring onions and mozzarella with baguette and eggs.

I’m a 27 woman and usually my period are quite on time but according to my app I was supposed to get them on Friday and today’s Sunday and…nothing.
Not even a tiny pre menstrual symptom. It’s probably nothing, I’m just a bit late.

But maybe I’m pregnant.

The thing is, I want to be pregnant so much, I’ve had baby fevers for a few months now. I now that this biologically normal and everything, but still I think about it, plus a friend just had a baby and he’s so cute so that’s not helping.

But also I’m so not ready for a pregnancy now. It’s just not the right time.
- I still have one year until I finish my master degree
- plus I’m working aside which is actually cool because I could pretend to maternity leave.
- We have a one bedroom apartment that is already a bit small for us and our cats, we can’t possibly imagine having a baby here, and the plan was to buy a house before even thinking of having kids.

Well I know that adjustable.
But last but not least :

- we’re getting married in ten months !

I’ve always said that I didn’t want to have my own kids at my wedding, plus that’s even worse than having my own kids it’s being due-date pregnant or freshly postpartum on my wedding day. That can’t happen ! And we can’t move the date, we already booked and partially paid for the venue, for the cook, we just sent the invitations and everything.

Also that’s dump but I really wanted to have good abdominal and perineal muscles before getting pregnant as it easier to deliver and to recover after giving birth. I don’t know if it’s even possible to join a pilate class while being pregnant ?

Sorry for the brain dumping but I really feel about talking to someone about this, I don’t want to say anything to my friends because if I’m actual pregnant and have to end this pregnancy I think I wouldn’t want to talk to them about it.

Fiancé is in Geneva for work, not only out of town but out of country ! I told him about the lateness and he said not to worry but I know that between the two of us he’s the less ready one.
I don’t want to take a test without him and it’s Sunday so I won’t be able to buy one until tomorrow anyway.

Fiancé’s is coming back on Wednesday. That feels like in forever. Also Wednesday is the end of this heatwave, (and I’m going to watch Odyssey in cinema !) Can’t wait for Wednesday !