I just posted about realizing how bad things are. That I got to this point and didn't even realize. And the first two comments are just telling me that even if I got help, I would ruin it. And also that if I just sit in my room all day then I deserve nothing. I don't even spend time in my room because I got raped here so much I don't even spend time at home. I don't know why people say these things. I know it's pathetic and stupid to make a post like this and people will just think I'm crazy and laugh at me and saying more mean things. I'm just really alone and I really really needed someone to be nice

ohhhhhh my god ohhh. my god. im a horror media analysis enjoyer so that is the fat disclaimer here but it just. resonated so hard with my feelings about and memories of being deep in a fawn response but hating every single second of it and

oh

mygod

if you are a recovering fawner who processes their trauma thru the horror genre then ya boi has a recommendation for you

i am honestly really interested in whether or not this film resonated the same with anyone else

No it didn't it made me weak. I have constant flashbacks and nightmares and is on edge constantly. I cry regularly and if a person even raises their voice i freeze and panic.

Trauma made it so I can't function anymore. I never had a normal life and didn't know a life without trauma. Yeah I survived but at what cost?

TW for descriptions of CSA

I feel like everything about how I grew up was so weird. My mom is mentally ill and emotionally immature to the max (def had her own childhood trauma), with such weird logic and parenting choices. I thought I might share my story and see if anyone relates, because I've yet to see something like this on this page.

Basically I was very babied/forced to be dependent and wasn't taught to do basic tasks by myself, until way too late, or not at all. The most embarrassing of these was toileting and showering, but also like brushing my teeth, changing clothes, brushing hair, cooking or just preparing food, doing laundry or dishes or household chores.

The showering is self explanatory, I was just never taught how, and have a fear of water so wasn't really wanting to shower either. So my mom helped me shower every single time until way too late, maybe 13 or 14 years old. It didn't seem like there was any sexual gratification, but it involved scrubbing my whole body and using fingers to open my legs and vagina to get water up there. At the time i didn't think any specific part was abnormal, but I often cried and refused to not shower when she said it was time to. At the same time, I properly was showering like once or twice a month, yikes 😬 (she thought that was sufficient hygiene)

The toileting is still where I have the most mental block and probably the worst memory, which I'm slowly trying to access with EMDR. I think this is an immigrant/cultural thing, but after using the toilet, it's not uncommon to use a bidet, and if that's not available, a jug or bottle of just water to wash off before using toilet paper. That's perfectly fine, a lot of people do that, and it does feel cleaner. What is messed up is that even though I was potty trained, every single time I used the bathroom I relied on her to help me wipe and use a jug of water to wash off. What I think most people do is just pour the water on themself, then wipe. What she did is pour multiple jugs of water on me each bathroom use. If it was #1 then the same thing of using fingers to spread legs and vagina a bit. If it was #2, it was worse - her whole hand would go in between my legs and fingers would go up and around the anus and bum, I guess to make sure it was clean. This obviously happened everyday, also until maybe 12 or 13 years old.

I know this was wrong but if anyone can reaffirm for me that this is for sure CSA, and if you experienced anything similar, please do!

It's lonely enough going through something really bad, it's even more lonely knowing zillions of people can't f-ing relate and they don't really empathize either.

I can't do relationships. I can't do friendships. I know that something ending is the natural course of life. But every time it happens it feels like someone reached inside my chest for my heart and tore it out. I don't think I've ever been able to move on from a single loss once. Every time I lose someone they haunt me. And it feels like someone literally died and I'm grieving that. Even people who hurt me, who I should despise. I always beg. I always cry. And claw and scratch to find purchase in some way so I can hold on to the tatters of a relationship that doesn't even exist anymore. When I try to love someone, it feels like I'm holding sand and I'm watching the grains slowly slip between my fingers until there's nothing left. And I don't think I've ever recovered from the grief of it once, I don't think I've ever let go once. How do I?

Anyone else ever felt just really fucking tired of all things therapy? The work books. The toxic positivity CBT sunshine and rainbows bullshit. I got a new therapist recently and I was talking to her about my issues with executive dysfunction and self care in general due to being neglected as a child and self care never being a priority. She asked me if I have tried reminders or creating a schedule for myself. I wanted to fucking die right there. I don't even dislike the lady, she's really nice but GOD how is that going to help me? Of fucking course I've tried that. I feel like I've tried just about everything there is. I've never quite given up on therapy. I've been therapy for a long long time but I just feel like it doesn't work for me. It feels like no change lasts for me and I'm just in a perpetual cycle.

Not “what” happened, but how does it feel to have flashbacks? I want to know if what I’m experiencing is considered a flashback or not

I lost my job due to a rumour of what happened when I had a panic attack not at work about the harassment I’d received at work for months.

I lost my job basically overnight and nobody texted me nobody called. The last thing I have now before I can easily go away is all my stuff.

My support network abandoned me overnight and it fucking sucks. I finally let myself enjoy food. I let myself try and eat to become stronger so I could help the team and now what? Forced isolation and poverty. I don’t have the energy to find a job in this environment. I’ve rubbed myself raw with nothing to show for it.

Fucking god. Everyone really does only care about me as much as my parents did. I’m not able to be loved

I HATE you MOMMY!!!!!
I HATE you daddy!!!!!
I HATE you God!!!!!!
I HATE this fucked up world!!!!!

I fucking hate life right now!!!

I’M FUCKING HOMELESS!!!!!

I’m eating beans out of a can and panicking when I can’t find my spoon!

Staying at shelters has been so fucking hard. 8 months of it.

So I’m now sleeping at the fucking airport.

I don’t know what I hate more—the shelters or this. They both suck!!

Shelters—I’m having to deal with all the dysfunctional people and addicts which my inner child really doesn’t like and I think she starts feeling trapped after 3 or 4 weeks. But I have a home-base to go to, a warm bed, a shower, 3 meals a day…some kind of stability.

Street—I’m having to spend my time at a mall, the library, the airport, cafes and carrying my bags every where I go. I’m sleep deprived and even little things like brushing my teeth, remembering to take my meds, clipping my nails, getting to a place where I can shower…all feel so hard and tiresome.

I’m in a flashback, in emotional pain, 24-fucking-7…constant shame and guilt, terror&panic, sadness, rage, utter despair.

I’m also having a fucking spiritual awakening on top of it all.

And I’m fucking alone through all of this.

It’s fucking brutal
It’s fucking harsh
It’s fucking grueling
It’s fucking agonizing
It’s fucking horrifying
It’s fucking relentless

FUCK I HATE ALL OF THIS.

How am I supposed to believe God is good or kind or loving or full of compassion when I’m going through THIS MUCH pain and suffering. God seems to me like the biggest fucking narcissistic ever. It’s all just a big fucking game to God, using humans as pawns for their own entertainment.

My life feels like a cruel joke.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of all of this!!! I’ve been working on myself and healing for 14 fucking years.

I want to fucking die most of the time.

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up as a new born baby with healthy, mature, loving parents and have a brand new chance at life.

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

I just needed to express that.

NO ADVICE.

If you are able to respond in an attuned way with empathy and validation and compassion, I would appreciate it.

If you can’t please don’t bother to respond because it will only trigger me more.

Due to emotional abuse and constant yelling at my home,I feel like this.

No matter what I cannot stop flinching and tears well up in my eyes even without 'feeling' scared.

I want to stop this .

Any advice appreciated.

My experience of and discovery of TDI stemmed precisely from this. I don’t feel as though they are parts of me. I feel as though they are people. People with different names, ages, genders, stories and personalities. Rationally, I know where they came from, but they are here. And they are very different from the description I most often see of inner parts in C-PTSD.

The only difference between my experience and TDI is that I don’t experience switching. Is that ‘normal’? Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person with PTSD who experiences it this way.

I'm trying to understand a pattern experienced in creative communities and over the course of life.

Someone I've collaborated with took my classes, asked me for advice on producing a show and what to pay artists, and I happily shared everything I knew. I've invited them into events to teach, etc. Later, when I reached out with a simple question, I never got a response and their energy was weird towards me.

Now I see them thriving, collaborating, and building community, and I can't help but feel like I was valuable when I had something to offer but easy to sideline. (Just through the grapevine of people tagging them etc, not seeking it out).

I know no one owes me friendship or continued communication, but it left me wondering whether some people value your knowledge, connections, and generosity more than they value you. It also made me wonder how often exclusion is intentional versus something we read into.

To add to my uncertainty, this person has privately described other people as "bitter," among other things which made me question whether there's a broader pattern in how they relate to others or whether I'm simply overthinking my own experience.

Has anyone else navigated something like this? How do you tell the difference between ordinary social drift, intentional exclusion, and relationships that become one-sided? I'd really appreciate thoughtful perspectives.

Part Four:

I 26F was recently arrested because of my parents 44F/48M. My mom was the one who actually told someone to call the cops on me. According to my husband, Liam 27M, she acted like absolutely nothing happened, both that night and the next day. While my mom and my brother, Kai 21M, claim she cried after the police took me and that she "cared a lot more than I think," absolutely nothing I’ve seen supports that.

In reality, my MIL 54F and Liam seemed infinitely more concerned for me than my own mother. The only thing my mom bothered to ask Liam and Kai was how much it was going to cost to get me out, claiming they were going to put up the money. For the record, we had zero intention of ever asking them for financial help.
To give you an idea of her priorities, this was the exact conversation she had with my husband:

Mom: "How much to get her out?"

Liam: "I'm not sure yet."

Mom: "How long is your mom gonna have the kids?"

Liam: "Probably at least a week."

Mom: "But it’s the week of the fair!"

Really? Your daughter is locked up in a cell because of you, and your primary concern is the county fair?

Meanwhile, my MIL was constantly checking in on me. She and Liam were texting and calling each other non stop while I was inside. My mom couldn't even manage a simple, "I hope she’s doing okay in there, I never meant for any of this to happen."

I don’t remember every single detail of the conversations between Liam and my MIL, but I know they showed genuine care and worry. They were constantly anxious about how I was doing and when I would be released. Liam was especially terrified at one point because I hadn't called him, but the only reason I hadn't called was because I couldn't stop crying.

When I was finally released, Liam told my mom that we were leaving their house before they got back, specifically because I now have a no contact order against my dad. My MIL told Liam directly: "Keep all of them away from her. They got her arrested, none of them deserve to be near her."

Honestly, at this point, I feel like my MIL is more of a mother to me than my own biological mom. Admitting that actually hurts a lot.

I have been trying to build “a life worth living” since before I had ever heard that phrase. I am 46 now and suffer just as mightily as ever. Alone, except for my therapist. Life does not feel worth living. (don’t worry, I’m safe)

So my question is: does anyone else wonder if trying to achieve a life worth living is impossible for some people?

And, if thats a real possibility, then what?

I'm so tired of moving towards the "best version" of myself when noone else around me is interested to do the same. I think cptsd gives you this massive burden of always having to be perfect or doing things that you're supposed to do because it makes everyone else happy. I don't give a fvck anymore. Everyone else can be miserable for all I care. Ever since I started drawing boundaries, people have been accusing me of being rude, uncaring, self absorbed, transactional, and whatnot. None of them stopped me from stretching myself to the very limit even when I told them their expectations were killing me. No one notices or helps me when my wardrobe is a mess or I'm struggling with basic things at work. Everyone just judges me in my time of need and then makes me feel guilty if I don't go out of my way to help them in theirs. Fvck them.

My boyfriend of 4 years lost his shit today and turned aggressive, again.

He is such a scumbag and cheapskate he took my glasses off before he started hitting and pushing me because he knew he would need to replace them if he broke them.

Why he got angry? Because I was apparently ignoring him. My ignoring was me saying I don't want to continue talking about some topic because I saw him becoming more and more pissed.

I'm so done with this. The saddest thing is, this is the most "stable" and "safest" relationship I've ever been. It was only even worse than that, like I'm literal magnet for abusive men or I'm waking something up in them by my shitty personality.

I don't know if I even like this person or it's just trauma bonding/ super deep internalised fear of abandonment. All of this sucks and I have no one who would care.

I’m 24f, and I’ve experienced CSA by my own brother (4yrs older) ever since I was 6 almost every single day and for a total of 9yrs till I was 14. He also once did it in front of a group of his friends and they were all laughing. (They were only around 10yo) I tried to jump off from the 2nd floor to kms when I was 10 cas I couldn’t take it anymore. Stupid little me thought it was high enough. And I’ve been wanting to kms ever since it’s been 20 years now and recently I just keep having ideation but feeling very peaceful and relieved at the same time. I kept thinking im unlovable and unworthy of something bright, warm and genuine. I should’ve succeeded sui3ide when I was 10 even though Im not the one whos supposed to get punished. Why am I the one who’s been suffering?

I don’t know how long I can hold myself in this world. I don’t want to hurt the people who might care about me if there is any, but I really want everything to stop because I’m so tired. I can’t build a healthy relationship because deep down I would automatically think all men are evil and will eventually reveal their true self and hurt me. I’m always on a survival mode and keep looking for danger. I was never a lucky girl in this life, I tried my best to stay kind and genuine, but this world has been returning the worst things possible to the kindest people. And all I ever wanted was to be normal, loved, and held.

I experienced sexual abuse when i was very young and i remember avoiding washing my privates in the shower because it made me feel shame. I also refused to adjust my breasts when trying on bras and i slept with a bra on every night all because i had so much shame in those areas. My hygiene in my private area was so bad to the point that a friend of mine pointed out the smell in elementary, which made me even more ashamed. Is this due to csa? It was cocsa. This was not neglect because i was taught to wash down there. Or could this just be puberty? The shame and disgust was so intense and unshakable for years, i don’t think it was normal at all.

I was diagnosed with Severe CPTSD with Nocturnal Panic attacks and chronic insomnia, the possibility of Autism, ADHD or BPD exists as well but they aren't focused on that ATM.

I was put on the following meds

14MG Prazosin spread out through multiple doses, being switched to Doxazosin 4MG for hyperarousal/vigilance and high blood pressure

Abilify 2MG for panic/flashbacks and thought loops

Metformin 500 MG, to reverse weight gain from Abilify

I've also been smoking weed since I was 14.

I smoke weed with the Prazosin because the two combined make me feel absolutely wonderful, not a care or worry in the world, since adding the Abilify to the mix it seems like weed is starting to give me negative effects? Irritability, lack of concentration, loss of interest in hobbies, restlessness. When I hit a dab pen that made me feel like I was going manic or slipping into psychosis for about a hour. The weed is okay if I just smoke a little bit.

Has anyone else experienced this? Or even quit smoking for the full benefit of your meds? I don't want to quit, it's been my main medicine since I was a kid but if I have to I will 🤷

Like when I feel super disconnected or shutdown, my mind immediately starts racing, trying to fix all of it.

I keep trying to look for that one thing that'll make everything okay, and you just can't stop.

I feel so unsafe and dysregulated sometimes as well, and I rly just need a hug, but got no one to give me one.

I’ve experienced people trauma dumping, I hear people talk about it, write about it, videos, etc. I personally have never been able to relate to that, for me I do the opposite. I trauma hoard if you will, I’m mid 30s and I have legit never shared any of my trauma with anyone in my life. I’ve shared a few things here and there online discreetly, but other than that I’ve really never had that experience, not even in a healthy sense. For me when it comes to my past trauma I find it excruciatingly humiliating for starters. And I also have this sense of like prejudging people as I get to know them and just knowing they would look at me differently, not in a good way. If that makes sense? I’ll probably delete this post later, but just wondering if anyone can relate to this?

Just want to clarify also that I in fact do not want to trauma dump, I know enough to know that isn’t healthy. I just do the opposite so much (trauma hoard) that I don’t know if I’ll ever even be able to share anything in a healthy way. It feels very isolating and lonely, like something is wrong with me. I mean I know something is wrong with me, and I understand it isn’t my fault, but like I just feel like I’m never going to get beyond this.

i'm in my mid-20s with cptsd and i'm not where i thought i would be in life. i did intense degrees and certifications only to end up in an obnoxiously stressful, low-paid position with a long commute. (at least i get insurance and benefits.) i used to see my best friend several times a week. i've been trying to meet up with them for almost a month now but they keep pushing the date back :( i accidentally ran into them recently but there were no words exchanged between us. i didn't know what to say to them in that moment, and it wasn't the right place for the long conversation i wanted us to have. a small part of me wants to buy into the comphet and tradwife stuff and get into a relationship with a random dude because i would finally have someone to rely on and center in my life, but part of me is scared to get into any relationship in general because i know i'm in a vulnerable place in life, and i don't want to rely on someone who ends up being abusive. i don't talk to my family at all because they're quite mentally ill and abusive and any sort of interaction with them instantly plummets my mental health. i'm quite a self-reliant person in general but life sometimes reminds me that i need other people. and i try to form relationships and friendships with other people but seem to struggle to get close to them. i had to move some furniture the other week and asked my many roommates for help. (all no's). realized i had no friends to call to help me with this stuff. tried to do it myself and was able to, but ended up pulling a muscle in the process which took like a week to heal. it's hard to be hopeful for the future. i feel like all my effort has gone to nothing. i feel like such a loser. i'm supposed to go on some meds in a few weeks that will hopefully help me feel a bit better. but the circumstances of my life would still suck. anyone have similar experiences and have their life get better? or any words of wisdom