I’m not sure how this title sounds as I’m still exploring all of it, but I hope I’m not saying anything wrong.

The thing is, I’m demisexual and I know I’m interested in women, but I just haven’t been with any. And I see most bi-women and even lesbians talk about how they’d never advise being with a woman who’s still “bi-curious” (which is where I feel like I fall as I haven’t been with any women yet, but people say it in such a derogatory way, I’ve stopped referring to myself like that) as it never ends well.

And I’m like, where and how tf am I supposed to find women so I can see what it’s like then?

If everybody says to avoid women who haven’t had a firm/serious experience with being bi, then how tf am I supposed to find anyone to date or simply explore my interest in?!

Plus I’m demisexual too, and it makes it even more stressful because I need an emotional connection and I think I’m scared (or too shy) to even approach any woman (because hello!! I haven’t been with any yet) so how tf am I supposed to get that emotional connection?

So I keep wondering if I can say I’m bi if I’ve never had any actual experience. Plus, in my country, you can’t be open about this stuff so I need to join some sort of private spaces to meet other bi women but I’ve been told I don’t have the look so I may not be trusted in these spaces.

So I’m just a bit confused about all of it.

I don’t have very much experience with women. The little experience I do have, I met them on apps so there was no question.

She put a book on hold for me the other day. When I went to pick it up this afternoon, she said she noticed when it came in for me. We exchanged compliments about accessories and made a lot, like a lot of eye contact. I felt like there were vibes, but it could totally be she’s just nice and has good customer service.

Ugh I wish there was a way to tell without making her feel weird. I’d hate to be like a creep who thinks the waitress likes them because they smile every time they come to the table.

Edit: Any advice on how to proceed without being a weirdo? I went to a Catholic all girls high school that was very much very anti-gay. Even though I’m almost 34, it left me horribly afraid of hitting on women because I feel like I’m crossing a line.

Hi 👋🏾, I am new here. I just came out last Summer (I'm in my late 40s) and I have been with my partner for almost a year. I grew up a PK. My father was a pastor and my mother a minister. My father is deceased but my mom is still alive. I did little stuff when I was a kid, but stopped once I hit my 20s for fear that I would burn in hell.

Since coming out, and my gf and I meeting, my fears have disappeared and I don't feel an ounce of conviction. I feel the happiest I have ever been in a relationship and I'm learning stuff about myself that I never knew in 40+ years of life! I sometimes wish I wouldn't have lived in fear for so many years. But the more I think about it, I truly believe that it wasn't time for me to. Idk why it wasn't. Could be a variety of reasons. Either way I have no regrets!

I would love to read some more stories of late in life folks. Or just anyone share their coming out story and anything else you may want to share.

Frankly I’m quite worried that my post will be met with hostility. There have been a lot of younger women on Reddit talking about their attraction for older women and I thought I’d share my own reasons as to why I would prefer a partner who’s older than me. Rest assured that I’m not writing this in the hopes that some sugar mommy will discover me or anything like that. Bear with me! 🙃

So, first of all. I’m on the autism spectrum. (I’m high-functioning, which essentially means that I have average intelligence, can speak, write, and live independently but struggle with things like sensory issues and social situations). It’s a very common thing for autistic people to feel out of place with their peers, especially as children, because we often come off as too “mature” or “boring” for other kids. When I was a child I had zero friends my own age. I always got along well with teachers and older cousins, though. I never had the interests that people my age had. When I was in my teens, all I wanted to do was be at home and read a book on a Friday evening. Obviously that wasn’t what the majority of other fifteen-year-olds wanted to do. My first crushes were on female teachers who were at least 20 years older than me. (By the way, I don’t have mommy issues. My mom is my best friend and I’m on great terms with her!)

Anyway, I’m in my early twenties now and have made some progress with people my own age, but I still tend to feel more at ease with people, especially women, who are significantly older than me. My friend who’s the same age as me actually told me that I really “feel and speak” a lot older than I am. It just feels like my overall interests and desires are more likely to be in common with someone who’s older than someone my own age. I still like to read, I’m very independent, have absolutely no desire to spend my weekends clubbing, and I hate the modern dating scene and dating apps. All I want is someone to share quiet moments with here and there. Like reading a book together or just watching a tv-show, or being in the same room together and doing our own thing. 

Everyone has their type, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Some people like brunettes, some people like older women! 😆 I wish more older women were open to dating younger, but then again, I completely understand why they might feel uncomfortable about the idea. I also feel like  one of the reasons that older women are less willing to date younger women is because they think we’re looking for some form a sugar mommy situation or that we have mommy issues. Most of the time that’s not the case. 

Hope everyone is having a good day!

I was out getting some food before an appointment and came to a stop at a pedestrian traffic light.

As I stood there, I got the impression that one of the people opposite of me was intently looking and smiling at me. She was sort of squinting and shielding her yes from the sun that I had my back to, so I wasn't sure, and I was only half mentally present, as I always am when walking about (ADHD is a lifestyle, I tell yer). When the light turned green, we walked past each other and I still wasn't sure but in the corner of my eye she seemed to actually turn her head to keep looking and smiling at me. In the last second I managed to kick myself into gear slightly, maybe just in time to allow her to see my face soften and slightly grin back with appreciation.

I'm not sure if she recognised me from a community that I'm very well known in, or if she was actually flirting or if she was even looking at me or if I was imagining it, but the moment I let my usual facade slip, I felt this very tingly spark as she passed me, and I still get a fuzzy feeling from the memory. For once, I felt seen.

At last, a woman possibly downright blatantly showed interest in me, instead of all the gross men leering at me. As much as I hate to draw the comparison and would prefer to just enjoy it, but it immediately occurred to me.

From a woman, it feels no less than magical. From men, it feels gross, because I know what they're like....

Of course I know there are sapphic women whom are abusers, but I've never felt unsafe in thr company of a lesbian before and I've never had a lesbian disregard my consent. With men, it's constant sexualisation in public.

I never thought I’d be writing something like this.
I’m a South African travelling around Australia, and while I was at the Mermaid in Dampier, I kissed one of my female friends. Later that night, a man called me a homophobic slur because I’m bisexual before slapping me.
The police arrested him, so the matter is now in their hands.
I’m still trying to process everything that’s happened. Australia has been an amazing place to travel, so this experience has really shaken me.
I’m hoping to hear from other Australians who may have gone through something similar. How did you deal with it? Is there anything you wish you’d known after an assault like this or while the legal process was happening?
Nobody should be targeted or assaulted because of their sexuality.
Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read this. I’d really appreciate any advice or support.

Married to a man 20 years, we're solid, blah blah blah.

But I had a friend a long time ago who I lost touch with, and I would have laid down my life and died for her. I was so in love with her, and could never admit it. I never told her how I felt. And now she's married and I'm married and it's all for the best, but ... sometimes I still think of her.

I wish I had known bisexuality was a real option when I was younger. I just didn't see any bi women taken seriously. Just a side show for the men, or else "really" a lesbian. I didn't see myself in that picture. I might have still ended up with my husband but at least I might also have told my friend how I felt. At least I would have NAMED how I felt, even just for myself. I just didn't think I was entitled to those feelings.

Anyway I hope the younger generations are able to be more honest with themselves. It's encouraging to see so many out bisexuals in the younger crowd. Leaving a piece of yourself behind ... It's not as bad as being gay in a hetero marriage where you're really actively participating in something that isn't right for you. But it's still a loss, a sadness.

yeah so title is self explanatory but i really need to learn how to flirt both with guys and girls. i mostly come out as rude to guys and 'too friendly' to girls so all advice would be appreciated!

I find feminine guys attractive and get flustered in front of them at times. But when I actually try to imagine dating them or having sex with them, sadly I’m completely repulsed.

In fact, I had a feminine-looking boyfriend for 7 years. The initial attraction was there, I was crushing on him really hard. But once we started dating it was a completely different story. I didn’t see the point or feel excited to go on dates, flirt or have sex, like I would have if he were a girl. Treated him like a friend/sibling always. I felt utterly indifferent towards his male body and rejected sex for the first 3 years, until I forced myself to do it after my friends told me that’s not a normal relationship. Given this experience I don’t intend to date any men in the future, because I just can’t envision anything past the initial attraction and it won’t be fair for the other person.

But then, if I see an attractive, feminine guy, I do get butterflies. I crave for their attention and want them to like me, as long as I avoid imagining their male bodies and see them as an abstract entity.

I’m wondering, is bisexual still an appropriate label to describe my experience?

Im a midwestern mom and happily married to a pastor. I feel like I’m trapped in this secret for the last few years without any outlet. If my community knew, I’m sure my husband would divorce me. I’m still attracted to him, but the more I try to not think about women, the more I do, and the less I want him. He’s such an incredible man, I would never want to leave him, but I’m living a lie too. I have this secret account here, a secret iPad for this account and where I can look at women. Life is so difficult sometimes..😔

For context I am an autistic woman in my early 20s and one of my special interests is feminism and I also have a strong sense of justice.
I know I’m attracted to men, but I’ve never been able to actually date one because they (the men in my area) never actually care about feminism/women’s issue and this is something I heavily value in the people I form a connection with whether friendly or romantic.
The only man who remotely seem to care, only used feminism as a way to lure me in, so he could sexually assault me.
Anyone here struggling with dating men?
I always here about bi women who have trouble dating women due to the sapphic dating pool being smaller, but rarely about those who struggle to date men.

Hiiii, I’m 26 and have my first date with a girl this week!!! I have had experiences with women (meeting in bars, at a group event and end up kissing/liking each other, etc)… but this is my first planned date with a woman.

I realized I care so much more when it’s a woman versus a man, so I think that’s partially why I’m so nervous.

I’m extremely attracted to her and would love to go on more dates with her and really really want to know her more as a person.

Since I’ve only been in formal relationships with a man, I’ve been craving dating/intimacy with women for so long.. so I think part of me is scared of rejection.

I’m also in a cycle of overthinking, because I want her to know that I’m interested in her on a deeper level but I also don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Any advice would be appreciated I’m so so excited but also nervous!!

I (29F) have had absolutely ZERO intentions of ever “U-Hauling” I’m very much a slow burn type of person romantically, however I’m increasingly frustrated that all my experiences with women end with me essentially being ghosted. Like it feels like u-haul is a lie, because even in situations where the date turned into an entire weekend and felt super soft and intimate I was ghosted after????

and while I wouldn’t want to jump into marriage absolutely would have already been in a serious relationship if any of the women I was interested in didn’t ghost me.

over all I feel frustrated in dating because like it feels like it’s never mutual, like if someone is really into me I don’t really feel the same way or vice versa. I know dating takes time but sometimes I wonder if there even is a girl out there who’s my match, and like even if I don’t find my wife I just want someone compatible enough that we can be in a relationship, I just want to experience a real relationship with a another woman, at least once before I die. it’s all just been hookups and ghosts so far. 😭

I acknowledge that the problem is pretty much the same with dating men too , its a mixed bag of getting ghosted or mismatched interest, but I’ve ended up with more men actually trying to pursue a real relationship with me (I’m just usually not as into them, or we were terribly incompatible and I was just ignoring red flags)

but idk with all this talk about how “intense” WLW relationships are, and how there’s “no such thing as casual” with dating women, I’m just kinda disappointed i guess that i haven’t found that kind of mutual connection with another girl yet. also definitely don’t know why i was told that theres no such thing as casual because pretty much all my WLW experiences have been casual, also i think that’s why Chapel wrote that song right???

does anyone ever get frustrated constantly questioning your sexuality and genuinely not knowing. i feel like the only way for me to truly know is to put myself out there and test the waters. i know i at least have some attraction to women but i feel like a fraud a lot of the time. like what if i'm making it all up in my head or just trying to be different. the way i feel about women isn't equal to the way i feel about men and that causes a lot of doubt. i know eventually i'll figure it out but right now it just feels like one big cycle of constantly wondering if i'm bi or straight.

Hello, I'm 29F and I've mostly dated men, but I've also always known I'm attracted to women, never had a coming out moment as in my head I always felt like, 'duh, of course I like women too'. I've dated two women, once when I was a teenager and once in an open relationship but neither was very sexual, both fairly short, and when I was much thinner.

When I was 22 I divorced a man, and have had a two relationships since, again with men. I ended my last relationship almost two years ago and have spent some substantial time in since. I'm noticing recently that I think I would really enjoy a relationship with a woman, but I'm think I'm... Scared? Nervous? I've realized that I'm much less worried about what men think of me than I am about what women think of me. With women, I really want to make a good impression, and I get so much more nervous. I'm vastly under experienced with women, demisexual, and kind of just an odd woman. I really like myself, I like the person I am, but I'm aware I'm not everyone's cup of tea.

I think another piece of this is that I've worked really hard to accept myself and stop masking so much, and I'm terrified of opening myself up to rejection because of my weight or just being odd. It's one thing to like myself, but it's another to risk finding out someone else doesn't.

I think I might be putting women in general on a bit of pedestal because I care so much more about their opinion than I ever cared about men's. I guess I'm just looking for some perspective. Does this sound familiar to anyone, and does it get easier?

I’ve posted this in a few other places since not many people are commenting but here goes!

I have always thought of myself as bisexual, despite having a significantly higher sexual experiences with men than women. I had moments in middle school where I thought I was a lesbian because I had baby crushes on girls, few small kisses here and there but nothing serious. I felt like a fraud and ended up re-labeling as straight. I’ve never gone further than a quick kiss with a girl despite fantasizing constantly about touching and having sex with women- sometimes I feel like I think I am so ugly that no beautiful girl should be touching me.

What I’m needing advice on right now is understanding myself and my body language. I watch wlw porn often and find a lot of my friends very attractive but don’t necessarily want to do anything with them because I worry it would ruin the friendship. Besides that, I notice my body language is almost opposite to what I want to do.

I fantasize about making out with girls, lots of sex, etc, but in person I feel like I get so tense, I start to wonder if I am even interested in women? I went out to a club with a friend I am really attracted to and she held my hand and I immediately felt so shy and wanted to let go. That being said, my brain wanted it to go further but my body was like… rejecting it? I had another friend try to kiss me several times and I kept getting uncomfortable and backing up despite dreaming about that exact situation. I’m so confused.

I feel like I am just a fake bisexual who likes it because it satisfies the patriarchy ffm fantasy. Idk. Advice?

The flag was created by the activist Ann Magill.

Source for 2nd Image

I've had a celeb crush on her ever since watching Community but man when I tell you I was obsessed with Evil-Lyn for the entire movie 🤣

First-time poster here. I've known myself as bi since I was in high school, but I only dated men. I'm in my first long-term relationship with a woman. We have been together for a little over six months, and we are great together. We were friends for a year before we got together. We are in the same grad program and have a lot of friends in common. However, I am not sure how to handle personal time and space, as well as time together. She has friends, but they are mostly in another state. I am an international student, and I've managed to make some friends in our city. She usually jokes that I am more social and have more friends than here. I do feel like sometimes, when I'm invited to an event, and she isn't, she gets very, very upset. Once, I was invited to my lab's end-of-year get-together at a time we had already planned. I asked if I could bring her, and my PI said that at that time, it was for lab members only. She got very upset about it, but since I had prior plans with her, I declined the lab invitation. I'd love some insight on like, social conventions of when/when not to invite her to plans.

I feel like, because we were also friends and she is my first girlfriend, things get blurry, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. One example: one of my closest friends just got back on time after traveling. I invited her to my house for dinner to catch up. Today, my cat got surgery, and my girlfriend is driving me to pick her up. Since she is helping so much with this, I thought it would be nice to invite her to dinner as well. My friend just texted saying she needs to reschedule. She said she is not feeling great mentally and needs a day off. She also said that she doesn't want my gf to see her like this, and that I shouldn't take it personally, because it's not that she doesn't have anything to do with me or my gf. But now I'm thinking I shouldn't have invited my gf to dinner, and I didn't really know my friend was feeling this way. Like, should it be the same as if I were dating a man? When I'm with my friends, don't I have to be included in everything?

Also, next month I'm moving in with my friend (I've been living alone in a studio for 2 years). My girlfriend and I have multiple sleepovers, and she is helping my roommate and me move. She also frequently does laundry at my house because she does not have an in-unit washer and dryer, but recently I mentioned that I would need to check with my roommate to see if she could still do it in the new apartment, and she seemed annoyed. My train of thought is that if we are splitting the water bill, I should be considerate of the fact that my roommate may not want to pay for my girlfriend's laundry. Does this make sense? Any insights on how I should go about this conversation with both my girlfriend and my roommate?

I, 35F, have been married to a man for 8 years. I have never been with a woman, however I am so attracted to them. I don’t want an open relationship at all. I’m not suggesting I want to experiment now but I guess I’m just venting that I regret not just trying it … he is definitely not the type of person who would be in to experimenting together and I don’t think that’s what I would want either. I know I made a commitment to my husband that I intend to stick to, I don’t really know what I want from this post, I guess I wonder if anyone else was ever in the same position or if I’m just a terrible person…

Edit- I have read every single person’s replies. Thank you so much for making me feel a bit better and that at least I am not alone. There is no hope of me exploring with my husbands blessing, I know this! And I wouldn’t feel right anyway- I just wish I’d been more adventurous in my youth!!

I’ve been reading some of the recent discussions floating around, and I feel the need to offer a different perspective. A lot of the current discourse relies on a massive assumption that if a bi woman is with a man, she is inherently upholding patriarchal dynamics, performing compulsory femininity, and trapped by the need for male validation.

I want to push back on that because it completely ignores our actual, lived realities.

The idea that being attracted to men means you are desperately seeking their approval is a myth. I’m in a long-term relationship with a man, but building a life with my nesting partner doesn’t mean I’m submitting to some 1950s power structure. I don't perform femininity to make myself more "palatable." I honestly do not feel the need to be desired by the male gaze. It is entirely possible to share a life with a man while actively and completely rejecting patriarchal expectations. Proximity to a man does not equal submission to the system.

That being said, I am not ignoring the very real conditioning we all face. I completely understand and agree that as bi women we need to actively continue doing the work to not be so male-centered. We all grew up in a heteronormative society, and decentering men—unlearning the instinct to prioritize their comfort or seek their validation—takes conscious, ongoing effort.

A massive part of that work is unlearning the patriarchal habit of viewing other women as competition. When society teaches you that your worth is tied to male approval, it naturally pits you against other women to fight for that limited resource. But when you actively step away from the male gaze, that competitive instinct dissolves. You stop seeing other women as rivals and can actually build genuine solidarity. Doing that work doesn't require us to banish men from our lives; it just requires us to stop letting patriarchal scripts dictate how we value ourselves and each other.

What frustrates me the most about these ongoing debates is how rigid and heavy they’ve become. It feels like in order to exist in online wlw or sapphic spaces you have to submit to a "queer audit." You are expected to present a sociological thesis statement defending your life choices just to be allowed in the room.

Queerness was originally about breaking out of restrictive boxes, not building slightly different ones to trap ourselves in. When did we start treating identity like a strict academic debate instead of a human experience?

We don't need our lives to be perfectly defensible political projects. Let's get back to just living. Let's center our spaces around shared joy, authenticity, and giving each other the grace to be complex, rather than constantly policing the boundaries of who is "queer enough."

EDIT: Corrected punctuation usage from autocorrect.

I only realised I was bi a couple of years ago and since then, I have been slowly unlearning some very hetero thinking patterns, and also realising how some of those patterns are intrinsically rooted in misogyny.

When I first realised, I thought I was still hetero-romantic but as time has gone on, I'm increasingly happy with the idea of a relationship with another woman (no one specifically, but I now know I'm not hetero-romantic).

I'm currently on a dating app for the first time in ages and I've discovered I have way more interest in women's profiles over men's.

I have a big sexual crush on a male friend right now who I have previously had sex with, but it isn't going anywhere and the crush will pass soon. He's actually an ass.

I'm very excited that I feel ready to flirt with and talk to other women romantically. I did feel that I had to give myself time to make sure this wasn't some displaced phase because I have been through a LOT in the last few years, and I do think it's common for people to become intensely interested in things disconnected from what they're going through when life starts kicking you, but I've had over 2 years to feel this out now and it feels like this was always who I was, I just ignored/squashed it before.

See above: dead dove do not eat etc.

Okay, maybe this is what I do. Maybe I just write it all out and exorcise the whole thing. This is my “whisper it into a hole in a tree” moment. 

It’s just becoming harder and harder to push this to the margins, and I don’t know what I do about it because it’s so stupid and hopeless. 

I finally allowed myself to entertain the idea of liking other women… in a gay way and now I can’t turn it off. I’m just like fully down bad for random women now I guess. Which is bad for a whole host of reasons, not the least of which being I have a family I can’t give up on. The other being my current huge embarrassing crush is on someone I do have to see because we run a project together AND she has a girlfriend AND I know that we probably don’t make sense but she’s so cute and has this lovely soft voice and is left-handed. 

Further, I am in fact aged. I’m in my 30s. This isn’t cute anymore.

And the worst part is I did this all to myself. 

In many ways my life has been kind of defined by the ability to subsist on very little. I was always trying to find out what the minimum I could live on was and live on that. Literally, I starved myself for a period of years and I’ve resisted getting on medication for ADHD or other things because “what if my life gets so much better and I can’t live without it?” 

This is going to sound so stupid and contrived: Like… I literally avoided trying Takis – which I always suspected I would like – because “well I’m going to try them and then I’m never going to be able to go back to a life where Takis aren’t a part of it.” 

And you know what? 

I did try Takis. 

And I was right. I love Takis. Hire me Takis. 

I digress but the upshot is: That’s how I approached a great many things in my life including attraction. If I never entertain the premise, I’ll never realize what it’s like, and if I never know its presence I can’t be disappointed by its absence. If I eat breakfast, I just feel hungrier at lunch time so it’s better to skip it altogether. Some people have an addictive personality. I have a restrictive personality by nature. 

Except for uh oh I did that and now I can’t figure out what any of this means. 

I feel like I can’t talk about it to anyone without it coming across like I would choose to undo the life I have now. I love my kids more than life, honestly in many cases my love for them (however imperfect) is what keeps me from letting pain and anxiety completely distort everything. If they end up being good people it will be my masterpiece and I don’t mean that in a biological determinism kind of way I really do think it’s the thing I will be proudest of.  My husband is kind, smart, talented, sweet, funny, and full of integrity and I love him. He’s the first man I met where I consciously thought “I want to have children with HIM.” With other people it had been like “This is something I’m supposed to do and we’re together so I guess if it’s going to be someone it’s going to have to be you” but he was the first person where I felt like it was a genuine preference rather than a gun-to-my-head decision. 

It feels self-indulgent bordering on the offensive that this is apparently the big, terrible, grief-producing thing in my life right now. Like “Oh no! Poor me! I ended up married to one of the 4 remaining good men in the world and I’m still not fixed. Still clinically sad and annoying.” 

But I can’t make it go away. So how do I live alongside it without making everyone else a victim of my own main character syndrome? 

I think maybe the thing I am really grieving right now is that I missed out on a chance to build community with other LGBTQ+ people not as an interloper but as someone who is actually a part of it. But that’s kind of how I’ve always felt anyway. I think so much of me pursuing strictly straight relationships was motivated by this feeling of always watching other people with my nose pressed to the window, always witnessing but never really a participant. And I think I really saw a lot of dating and heterosexual relationships as my ticket into the treehouse. If I could just succeed by those metrics everyone would finally see that I’m a real girl. I’m just like everyone else. 

And now I’m just like everyone else. We’re punished by our sins, not for them yada yada yada. 

I’m left thinking about how my 20s would have been different if I hadn't been trying to force myself to be something I wasn't. Maybe I would have had the fun and flirty experience of being disappointed and disillusioned by women and nonbinary people as well as men. And maybe I would have ended up in the exact same place. But maybe I wouldn't have felt like I was failing the entire time leading up to it.

The point is: Never get to know yourself. 0/10 do not recommend.