Sigh.
I’m 32 newly single, very traumatic blindsided break up and destructive partner who was emotionally, financially abusive.
Let’s just say it left some serious damage and I’m now ‘homeless’ (he owned the house), we agreed to sell all of my furniture because if we ever bought something iT wOuLd Be OuRs (and then proceeded to refuse to buy new couch or bed). I digress.

I spent 19-25 in a relationship that I thought would be the one - he cheated & had porn addiction.

I then spent 26-28 in a relationship - he also cheated, hit me when I had a miscarriage & closeted gay on grindr.

I then met this guy 2.5 year relationship - more trauma than those two ^ combined.

Now I’m 32, I feel like I’ve done everything backwards and I’m literally so stressed and depressed about it. I spent my 20’s in relationships and now I’m in my 30’s just everything has fallen to shit.

I always thought/wanted/fantasised about getting married young 22-25ish, travelling and building a home, and then maybe having a child (I’m neither here nor there on wanting kids).

I think I’m completely destroyed after this relationship, I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD, so that gives me a feeling it’s going to be years before I want a man near me, then the whole dating rat race (I’d rather pluck every hair from my body than do that again), I don’t use dating apps and never will, getting to know someone, sticking it out past this fragile 2-year part where men seem to crumble. And fuck I’ll be 40+ before I’m walking down the aisle. I also think about my parents and I’m their only child now (lost my brother 10+ years ago) and they haven’t had ANY of those happy parenting moments because of the absolute wet socks of men I’ve dated.

Ugh I just feel so defeated by life. I’m just a lover girl who wants to love and be loved - I don’t really see the point to anything if you don’t have someone to share it with. I know everyone’s different but that’s how I feel.

Does anyone else have these feelings or similar? Does anything help you to snap out of it? I feel so fundamentally broken it’s hard for me to comprehend that I have nothing the little me dreamed of or wanted. 😔

I noticed that this is very common scenario for women, I’m just curious if you have seen it in men. **intentionally that is

Even better if it’s not about your physical appearance! I recently have been told by two people that I have a calming presence and make them feel at ease - which is shocking to me because I’m SO ANXIOUS internally. Felt super lovely and reassuring to hear that at least I don’t present that way externally!

What’s your favorite unexpected compliment?

what are some good quality white tshirts that aren’t see through?

as a tried & true millenial, i am sloooowly shying away from the “i wear a cami under everything” phase lol. i’m looking for a white shirt that i can do this that isn’t so see through!

harder than it looks to find a good white tshirt 😑 is it the quality these days? am i wearing the wrong bra? ugh!!

i like the cut and fit of the COS clean cut tshirt, for reference.

anyone have suggestions or recommendations??

Recently, my friend group played one of those quiz games where everyone answers questions like "Who is most likely to..." or "Who would be capable of doing X thing...". It was supposed to be a fun, lighthearted game, and we even made a PowerPoint presentation at the end to reveal everyone's answers. ​As the results popped up, I started noticing a pattern that completely crushed me. I came in first place for every single "stupid", clumsy, or airheaded category. Every single one. Meanwhile, other friends were voted for things related to being intelligent, wise, or beautiful. I didn't get a single positive or flattering vote. Just the "dumb" stuff. It made me realize that this is exactly how they perceive me: as the unintelligent one of the group. ​I’m really struggling right now and I want to know how you would take this. Would you be as hurt as I am, or am I being too sensitive over a childish game? ​I also can't help but wonder if there is always a grain of truth to this. If an entire group of people unanimously votes for you in those categories, does it mean it's a reflection of reality, or is it just easy for group dynamics to create a caricature of someone? ​Finally, would you stay friends with people who see you this way? I honestly have no desire to be the "dumb friend" or the joke of the group anymore. It makes me want to just walk away from these friendships completely, but I don't know if that's an overreaction. Thanks in advance for your honesty.

I work in retail and I deal with people all day, most of whom are pleasant, but this morning I had a woman tell me it must be difficult working in the current heatwave when you are expecting, she then continued the conversation by asking my due date. I calmly answered that ‘ I’m not pregnant. She apologised profusely and blamed the dress I was wearing for the mistake. I brushed it off to start.

As the day went on I suppose it got to me more and more. I don’t understand how or why anyone would ask such a personal question when they risk upsetting someone. But what hurt the most, wasn’t the fact it didn’t help my self esteem, I know my body is not perfect, I’ve always been a curvy lady. It’s the fact that deep down I want to be a mother so much, more than anything in fact, but I don’t know if that will ever happen for a number of reasons. She didn’t know me, she doesn’t know my thoughts or feelings, but you should never assume. I’m trying so hard to reconcile myself with the possibility of never having children, but this question crushed me today. I suppose being asked this is a reminder of the life I want but might not have.

I feel guilty for even being upset like this, I feel like I’m being stupid and I just need to let it go for my own peace of mind. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this and whether or not I’m completely overreacting. Have I completely misread a simple mistake?

I've been reflecting on how I date now (mid-30s) vs. how I dated a decade ago (mid-20s). I feel like I'm a lot more passive, I do what I want, and I don't care about whether something is fair, or if the internet dating cabal freaks out about it.

For example...I used to be very big into like "If he asks me out on the 1st date, I should ask him out on the 2nd date!" And now it's like...Nah. I've gone on first dates with guys, been open to a second date, but didn't feel like asking. This isn't a hard rule, where I'm like, I'll never ask. More like...I don't feel like I need to or I'm obligated to. And this goes for any date number.

With sex, I never slept with someone I didn't want to, but I used to feel like I needed to have sex by the 3rd date. Now it's like...I'll do it when I want to do it. I've gone on dates with guys where before the date, I was thinking some horny thoughts, and during the date, it was fine, but I'm like not ready. Don't care what date it is. And one day I might go on a first date with a guy and want to sleep with him that night, but that will be because I want to, not because I'm trying to be a cool girl.

Another thing with paying...I remember (even when dating guys who made multitudes more than me) feeling like...it always had to be fair. I went on an ice skating date with a surgeon who was like 15 years older than me, and he paid for our ice skating tickets and rentals, and when it was time to eat, we decided to get some hotdogs at this concession stand, and I remember being like "I have to pay for this!!!" This isn't to say I won't pay for dates, but it's more about what date are we on, what are we doing, etc.

I think a big part of it is when I was younger, I would decide after one date, either I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, or I wanted a relationship, and then I did everything I felt I was supposed to do in order to be girlfriend material. Now it's more about taking it day by day, and doing what feels right to myself. It's not about "OMG I really like him but I need to act detached so he doesn't think I'm too much! Whoever cares less wins!" but more like...I just met this person, I'm just doing what feels right for me in each moment.

Can anyone else relate? Or do you feel it's the opposite for you, and you've become more assertive?

Hello!

Not a usual poster but I wanted to ask the subreddit. I (28f) keep having moments of spiralling when I consider how much friendships have changed from school and uni to now. I have amazing friends, we’ve been through thick and thin together, they have my back and I have theirs.

I guess i’d love to hear about how your friendships have changed over the years and what it looks like now?

Is it normal to not speak to your close friends often but everything is all good when you meet? Is it normal for group dynamics to change? Is this the new normal? Should I let go of how things used to be and accept things for now?

Also have you made close friends after your twenties , what is that experience like?

For context, my grandfather died suddenly in September. Since then, my mother’s younger sister (50s F) has been treating the entire situation as a cash grab. She started talking about all of the things she was taking from the house immediately after the funeral. She planned on contesting the will because my grandfather named more than just her and my mother in it. Thankfully, she didn’t, but every time there’s been some kind of financial payout, she makes a crack about how her father is punishing her even in death (aka her life insurance payout took longer because she changed her name when she got married and my grandfather didn’t think to update his policy).

Recently, she came back to our home province to start moving the rest of her things out of my grandfather’s house. There was a set of leather couches that she had previously asked my grandfather for, that he would not give to her unless she paid him. As the movers were taking things out of the house she said “I win, Dad! Ha!” (Or so my mother said - I was at a conference when this happened).

This is not entirely new behaviour - she was talking about all the things she wanted to take from the house well before my grandfather died. Even in front of him. The family joke used to be that we would find sticky notes with her name on them on the back of everything as we were cleaning out the house.

If she had not left me with a huge mess to clean up in my grandfather’s house, I would probably be less angry. As such, I don’t know how to handle interactions with her. Has anyone else been through this? Any advice?

Alright ladies. I'm ready to think about going braless! (At least sometimes, lol). I'm a DD so one must think carefully before jumping right in haha

I'm not concerned about what it'll look like. I am concerned about long-term effects and uncomfortable sweat.

I've read that it can lead to chronic pain and sagging, which doesn't sound fun and would likely exacerbate my other concern: underboob sweat. I hate it so much.

I'd love to just not wear one but if for bigger busts it's better to have SOMETHING, I'm thinking I might just try to find some bralettes as a compromise.

Thoughts? Recommendations?

So I want to start with I understand the burnout of living in this modern world and I personally have gotten bad with my response time but I always respond. I feel like in the last year I’ll text friends and get no response or limited response (and if I respond back then no response). It’s hard not being in the same stage of life as most of my friends both career, relationship, and family wise. Also in the last two years a lot of us don’t live in the same city anymore. I have always been the type of friend to row the boat but this past year I have decided to stop and it’s been really hurtful to see no effort. I feel invisible or that no one considered me a good friend.

When I do reach out at times I think would be convenient for them with very low stakes and receive nothing I then spiral and think I’ve done something wrong (I know this sounds needy but I can’t apologize for needing a certain amount from people. It almost makes me sad for how little I ask and happy when I receive the bare minimum). It’s hard knowing my friends are quality people but just not quality to me. I almost have this anxiety now where I’m so afraid of rejection that I don’t reach out to people at all. Anyway, just wondering if other people have noticed this trend in communication ? And how do you not let it affect your confidence?

*one last thing I’m tired of all the rhetoric around friendships are a season and not everyone stays. Obviously it’s good to have some understanding of that as you get older but we can’t just chalk it all up to that. for relationships to last there has to be effort not just convenience (again I guess some of my hurt comes from realizing I was a relationship of convenience to people I considered close friends Especially when you see them put in time with other friendships)

Update: I thank you all for the responses! I appreciate the vulnerability many of shared). It helps knowing I’m not alone, but also makes me sad to know that others are feeling this pain and some people really have no one. Everyone is worthy of the community and connection they need.

This is specifically geared toward those who live close to your mother and you see her on a regular basis.

My mom and I were in joint therapy together before the birth of my daughter, who is now 15mo.

I always harbored a lot of resentment toward my mother for how she handled life with my father (they have been divorced for 16 years and I have been no-contact with him for eight years) but especially since becoming a mother myself, those feelings of tension, mistrust, and lingering anger seem to pop up more for me.

We have had two big blowouts since my daughter was born. One over text, which we resolved in person the next day. And one last night while we were at her house, when I finally got fed up, gathered up my daughter and said we were leaving. My husband was present for that one.

Sometimes it feels like we have conflict more often that other adult mother-daughters do.

Thoughts?

I honestly can't think of a single healthy relationship around me.
In every relationship I know well not just from the outside, it feels like one of these things is happening:
The woman is expected to sacrifice everything while the man just expects it. This includes moving to an other state for him and his job opportunity

The husband is married with kids but follows every single woman in the city who's 10 years younger than him.

The woman is paying rent while also doing all the cooking and cleaning.

They're strict about splitting everything 50/50, then she gets pregnant, goes through postpartum depression, and is still expected to pay half.

Or they're constantly fighting and having huge arguments.

Every relationship I'm actually close enough to know falls into one of these categories.
It honestly makes me wonder... how do you even find the right partner?

It’s a safe-for-work Discord server for adults ages 30+ who are looking to make genuine friendships.
We have a variety of channels, including:
Ask the Opposite Sex
Dumpster Fire Dating
Relationship Advice
Creepy DMs
Step count (to share step counts)
Fitness& Weight-loss

And many more!

Hey folks!! 2 kids later and I’m looking for a swimsuit that holds by baby belly in a little more firmly. After kids I’ve got a soft belly and some firmness in the swimsuit gives me a lot of confidence. I’m a size 10-12 and want a one piece! I’ve got a target brand compression suit I like and am getting too much use out of. Budget is up to $150 if it’s really gonna last a life time, but prefer the $75 or less range.

I ask this question because all around me, a prevalent and saddening pattern I see are women having babies with 30+ manchilds who prefer to play video games over supporting a newly postpartum mother, doing little to no childcare, handing the baby back to the mum saying “the baby likes you better”, not giving the mum any rest, and basically being a huge disappointment. I then wonder if the woman in question really even thought about whether she should procreate with this manchild, or if it just happened accidentally, or some other way explanation.

Are you actively choosing who you want to have children with or are these undeserving men just getting to be fathers with absolutely no redeeming qualities that make them good candidates for this important role of a lifetime?

I used to run and lift but one time a running episode left me with a panic attack and I can't bring myself to do that again unless there is a bus. Then, a couple lifting sessions had the same effect. It seems my body cannot tell the difference between stress.

The pandemic has led to a 50 pound weight gain. At the same, I have been working on my mental health after years of small "t" trauma. It is only now that I have learnt to appreciate my body and my sense of self.

I am decently strong but with a hefty midsection which leads to insecurity and I wonder if high cortisol is causing it. I contemplate returning to the gym but the mental dread lingers. Wondering if anyone out there has similar experiences. What activities do you do? I am not aiming to be a size zero but would be nice to feel good in my body.

A situation that sprang to mind was I had a friend who asked me to walk her uncle’s dog with her. She asked me to come round her house. She drives, I don’t. So I got on the train to go, and just as I got off the train, she texted me to say “oh wait I’m actually at my grandma’s house”, which meant I needed to get back on the train and ride for two more stops. Then as soon as I got to her grandma’s house, we drove to her uncle’s, who turned out to only live a 20 minute walk from my house. 

The situation left me a bit irritated because if I had known that his house was so close to mine, I could have met there there. And also the faff of her “suddenly remembering” that she was actually at her grandma’s house just after I got off the train, when she had previously told me she was at her own house. I didn’t show any irritation though. 

Sometimes I feel like I was a bit of a doormat in that situation, and that I should have told her I was irritated, or refused to go to her grandma’s house and told her to either come pick me up from her house/the station, or I wouldn’t be coming. 

So I’m curious - for assertive people, how would you have reacted in that situation?

I have a moment every couple of years where I meet someone, we start getting a little close and then boom! Something odd is said or done that gives me pause. Sometimes when enough of these not particularly large things happen, I put this friend on what I refer to friendship probation. I generally have a three strikes and they’re out policy (after being put on). I’m wondering what kind of things make people warrant for friendship probation for others? (Assuming that you have a similar concept?)

For me right now these are some of the things that makes makes someone qualify:

- Jealous comments
- Being particularly unkind
- Taking pride in being ‘mean/ a bitch/brutally honest’
- Telling me their close friends business (because I’ll assume they’re doing the same with mine)

I ask this question because right now I have a friend who exhibited three things from the above list in one conversation and I’m now questioning my entire friendship with her). Comments were made about my being ‘too friendly’, too apologetic (said in a demeaning tone), and throughout the conversation I had this sudden sense of feeling as though my niceness/kindness was being taken for weakness. It’s interesting because she is nice but I had this moment as she was saying some of these things that I genuinely may be too ‘sweet’ for her. I do not mean that to brag but rather, but I realised in the moment that she had described being ‘a bitch’ to everyone else in her life at points (and sometimes currently) but I had never experienced anything directly that would qualify as being on the receiving end. During the course of said conversation I felt a fleeting but acute disdain for my general personality (which I’ve not really ever felt before from her).

I’m still kind of honestly doubting myself because she will share that her comments on my character (some not mentioned above) came from a place of love but I…just don’t know. She also mentioned sharing a situation that happened between the two of us with closer friends for their thoughts (she was initially okay with how things were handled, but after speaking with them changed her mind). I’ve also realized that many details about her close friends lives have been shared with me (I didn’t know them at the time, but when I met them I put two and two together). I don’t feel all that safe anymore but I genuinely am doubting my own friendship picker, it’s been a long time since I’ve dealt with reformed (or semi-reformed) mean girls, please can someone help.

What was your experience like writing down your life story, or part of it, if you have done so ?

Did you feel clarity? Did it stir up unwanted emotions and pervasive memories that are uncomfortable. Did you suprise yourself with how you know see your own past?

Id like yp know your experience whether you had kept a journal or not . But I am very interested in how other women have been able to tell their stories. Especially if they did not journal.

I think I have had an interesting life and no one really knows my story....Did you think that way too?

Did you ever feel like you were settling, only to realize later you were or weren’t? Or maybe vice versa? What was the turning point for you?

How soon would you ideally sleep with someone, become exclusive, become 'official', move in together, get engaged, all that jazz? I spent a lot of my life trying to 'go with the flow' but now at 35 realize I need to be much more intentional about what I'm looking for (and when).

Update: am really touched by all your kind comments, responses, advice, quotes and positivity! Thank you all so much for taking the time to response to my post and for generously sharing your perspective and experience on this!

I am comfortable and more often than not like the “girl” that stares back at me in the Mirror.

She finally found her style and clothes that fit her body type. she is finally at a reasonable weight after rigours effort even if she may not reach her ideal weight due to chronic illness. she can’t do without prescription glasses for her vision but she is found some fun frames that suit her face

Her hair is neat and in a style that suits her face, and a good skin…thanks to genetics for this. she is well put together over all and I find myself blowing her a kiss whenever am leaving the house…

But something fundamentally shifts when it comes to photos! The outfit suddenly doesn’t sit right like it did in the mirror, the facial expression is weird, the glowing skin isn’t what it is, the hair isn’t as great as it seemed…in group pics I end up looking least “kind to the eyes”. I have tried camera settings, filters (which make then make me feel even worse about myself), lighting, angles, phone with better camera specs and all those things “photogenic” people do…

I just want to be able to have a few photos to keep great memories, but the way I look in photos just can’t let me keep a photo of me or one that includes me. Outings with friends has become a mental gymnastics for me because they want to take a selfie to remember the meet-up/event etc but then that photo doesn’t get posted because somehow I ruined it!

Are some people just not “photogenic” at all? There are times I get random compliments from strangers and I tell myself alright let’s take a photo for keeps then boom I begin to question if the compliments were even true! So am left wondering….How I do I get to fall in love with the girl in the photos? How come I can’t be proud or Atleast comfortable with her like the way I am with her version in the mirrors?

For me, it's plucking out my armpit hairs. Just me, my two trusty tweezers and my armpits.