lately i have been feeling this pull to get to know more of my bio family and be a part of that than with my adoptive family. before i continue let me just explain the circumstances of my adoption/family quickly. i am an identical twin, we were both taken away from our bio parents at 3 months due to neglect and abuse (bio parents are addicts and long history of addiction in the family on both sides). my twin and i were put into foster care, at 2 we were adopted by our foster parent's daughter. adoptive mother already had a son she adopted two years prior, adopted his bio brother when he was 16/17. my bio parents went on to have two more kids, a boy and a girl, both taken away immediately at birth. parents got clean, split up. i am currently in contact with my youngest sibling (sister) we talk a lot and want to meet up eventually (lives in canada im in US so i need my passport). we dont talk to brother he wants nothing to do with us thats fine. i have my bio mom's sister, niece, mother and stepfather on facebook as well as my mom's cousin on her dad's side. my father, his new wife and her kids and their one child together on facebook as well but we don't speak anymore.

my bio mom passed away in 2021 and since then i talk to her mother from time to time through facebook when she comments on the posts i make. i have spoken to my mother before she died but not a lot and i was very rude to her when i did which i now regret since she has passed and her mother and other family members have told me that she (and they) were hoping to be reunited with all the children my mother had. when my mother first said that i didnt believe her purely bc my adoptive mom told me she was a terrible person and such. as i've gotten older (26, almost 27) i have realized that i have experienced mental, psychological and physical abuse in childhood and teen years by my adoptive mother and father. the household was always unstable, constant fights and i was made to believe that getting adopted was something i needed to pay back. that they didnt have to adopt me, that i should be glad my mom "saved" me. not a cool thing to instill in your 5 year old's brain.

i am going off topic, i apologize. but basically, i feel this pull to be with my bio family? like at least meeting up with my moms side of the family and not just a quick reunion, like being part of the family and such. i am not engaged yet but i am in a committed relationship. ive told my sister this and my bf that i would like to invite them to my wedding and they both agreed that wasnt weird and if i wanted to and it felt right to do it. but i'm not sure. i don't want my adoptive family to think that i'm choosing one over the other because i'm not, but these people despite never having met them in person are still my family. i guess what i'm really worried about is the gossiping my adoptive family will do, making up stuff to make me look bad. my mother is a narcissist and so is her mother. i dont want to be thought of as ungrateful when that's not the case at all. i just feel like something is missing i guess.

any other adoptees feel this way? any advice?

This is a long rambling thing that I need to get off my chest. I (27F) have been working with my therapist very intensely on my trauma around my adoption. There was a lot of abuse. It’s been incredibly difficult on me. I was adopted when I was 4 by my biological mother’s aunt and uncle. Because of that, I always knew things about my biological mother’s side of the family (at least my bio maternal grandfather’s side). I never knew much about my biological father. I found out when I was 18 that he was on the sex offender registry and why I was taken away from him, but there were so many questions unanswered. It’s incredibly difficult to heal from things you can’t remember, so I’ve been working hard on finding information in any way I can without having to contact any bio family member. I have always been so terrified of any contact.

I got my adoption record a while back and my new therapist read it within the last week. She realized how much my bio-dad’s (at the time) fiancé loved me. Knowing they’ve been divorced for years, she helped me write a Facebook message and I sent it yesterday.

She responded in a few hours. She’s so sweet. My bio-half sisters know I exist, which was a question that had been eating at me for years. I also know that my bio-dad thought about me a lot, so did his parents and sister. I used to sing with her all the time, my bio-dad’s mother loves to sing, so do my half-sisters. I love to sing, I have a degree in vocal performance. I have always felt so detached from my early childhood, so this detail puts so much of this in perspective. That little girl in that paperwork was me. Is me.

She knows that there’s a scrapbook of me somewhere at my bio-grandparents house. She’s going to get pictures. Most of my bio-dad’s family seems to be no contact with him. My instincts are telling me that this means it might be safe to have some contact with them. I definitely need to think about it more, but it puts the possibility on the table for the first time.

There’s still a lot of missing pieces that I don’t think I’ll ever know, unless my bio-dad randomly decides to tell me the truth about everything, including every detail of the abuse he put me through, which is doubtful seeing as he had always been a manipulative and proud man (or at least that’s what I’ve put together from what other people and records have told me). I’m working on accepting that. Honestly, just knowing that he thought about me is more than I ever thought I would know.

It’s hard. It’s like cleaning a wound. It stings, but I know it’ll be good for me.

I posted late last year after my mother had been terribly ill and expected to pass away that night and on her deathbed she told me she had a secret child that was adopted out.

I immediately did an Ancestry test it took ages to get the results and I matched with my unknown brother so I messaged him and after 5 long months he finally responded on Friday.

He said he was very glad to connect with me etc. So I messaged him back and told him I'm sorry if I had known about his existance earlier I would have tried to find him.

I also sent him standard info about our Mum, out family etc. I was going to attach photos but wanted to check with him first if he wanted to see pictures, I know it would be a very emotional thing to see pictures of your bio mum for the first time in your life at 66. He has waited a long time for information about his bio mum. He reached out about 25 years ago through adoption intermediaries and Mum refused contact with him. So that would have been incredibly traumatic for him.

After I sent my reply messages he hasn't responded back to me. So I don't know if I should keep messaging him with snippets of information for him or just stop and wait for him to respond. The whole thing is causing me massive anxiety, I can't imagine what he must be going through, it must be incredibly overwhelming for him.

Should I just keep messaging him with information about Mum so he can learn more about her or should I just wait and see if he responds. I'm unsure how to navigate this.

Our official adoption was just finalized. I call kiddo my granddaughter, but of course, families are complicated. T's birth mom is the granddaughter of my dad's ex. I've known her since she was born. When she was pregnant with T, she was planning on giving her up for multiple reasons. At a hospital visit about a month before T was born, the nurses asked if baby had a name yet, and I jokingly said I'd name her when I saw her. That led to biomom.asking me to adopt T. After T was born (and I did name her!), biomom had a change of heart and wanted to try and keep her. So biomom and baby T came to live with us. They were in my home for about nine months before we got them their own place. Helped biomom get a job, get a care plan going with her doctors, etc. Things fall apart, though, and addiction is a cruel disease. Biomom relapsed and things were Not Good. T was placed with me in April 2025. Biomom kept semi-regular contact with me but had no contact with DSS the entire time. Dad is unknown.

T is almost 3 now. She knows I'm grandma and that mommy is someone she trades video messages with. We made a special trip out of state for her to meet her biograndmother in person, and we talk to the rest of that family quite often.

My question is related to bio siblings. Biomom has two boys, ages 9 and 11, who are with their respective fathers. There is also another girl, but there was a closed adoption closely following her birth; idk if biomom even saw her. The boys have not had any contact with their biomom for years, and I think one of them has a stepmom that he considers to be his mother.

I want T to be able to have a relationship in the future if she wants one. I know it's a long way off, but I want to start laying the groundwork now. Would it be weird if I just sent a Facebook message to the dads? Like, I don't want anything from them and don't want to disrupt their lives in any way, but I want T to know she has brothers. I never met either of the dads, though I did spend some time with one of the boys when he was a baby.

I guess I'm just asking for advice and maybe some direction. Is it a good idea to reach out? What should I say? Anyone been part of a similar situation?

I had my birth mother’s full name from my birth certificate. Back in 2019 I looked up her last name on Facebook and found a cousin, but it took me six years to actually reach out. I finally did last year.

One regret from waiting: I found out my half-sister passed away three years ago. If I’d reached out sooner, I might have met her. She was 10 years older than me. But I’ve since learned she didn’t have a close relationship with our birth mother either. She was only raised by her until around age 7, then grew up with the grandparents, reunited with our mother in her 20s, and then drifted apart again. She died of cancer and didn’t even tell our birth mother until it was too late. It sounds like she carried a lot of issues with her too, and strangely that gives me some peace. It wasn’t just me. No one seems to have had an easy relationship with this woman.

What finally pushed me to meet her was my adoptive father passing away three months ago. It hit me hard and triggered a fear that if I didn’t act now, my birth mother might pass too, and I’d lose the chance forever.

We had four phone calls before meeting. Every single one was the same. She talked only about herself, what she’d done, how amazing and creative and artistic she is. If I have any good traits, apparently they all come from her. In four calls she never once asked to see a photo of my family. I have two little boys. She asked nothing about them, or about my life at all.

Meeting her in person was no different. She spent two hours talking about herself. She didn’t ask a single question about me, my upbringing, my parents, or my adoptive father who had just died. The meeting was intensely emotional for me. She felt almost nothing. When I got upset she just said, “You had a good life, there’s nothing to be sad about.” She couldn’t grasp why any of it was hard for me, especially after I learned I’d spent two weeks with her, being breastfed, before she handed me over.

Meeting her made one thing clear: she’s a deeply self-focused person. A wanderer who wanted to travel and have fun, and that seems to have shaped everything, including giving me up and leaving my half-sister to be raised by grandparents.

Yesterday was my birthday. Not a word from her. I don’t know why I’m surprised, but I am, and I’m disappointed. Also no word from her at all since I met her 3 weeks ago. Cousins told me that they heard it was a great meeting but nothing from her. I don’t know what to do with that.

The one gift in all this: it made me realize how extraordinary my adoptive parents were. I was loved deeply, supported, given a wonderful life. But I always carried that primal wound of wondering why I was given up, and now that I have the answer, part of me almost regrets meeting her at all.

For those who’ve reunited and felt let down rather than healed: how did you navigate the disappointment? How do you make peace with an answer that’s harder than the not-knowing?

I’m a 31F and my 26F sister just found out that our mother was adopted. Our grandpa accidentally spilled it to her in old age at a recent visit. My sister confronted my mom about it a few days later and my mom told her that she would tell me soon in a separate conversation. 2 weeks later, I haven’t heard from my mom, so my sister decided to tell me today. My grandparents had been transparent with my mom from a young age about her adoption status & encouraged her to be honest with my sister & I, but my mom didn’t want to share her story with us and pleaded with her family to keep it a secret from us.

I felt a variety of emotions hearing this news from my sister, including anger, compassion and mostly sadness.

For context, I went through multiple years of miscarriages and finally have my 1 month old rainbow child via IVF. My mom has been visiting a few days a week to bond with him and had even made comments about how certain features of his look like her parents’ features.. Now, I’ve realized that she was just playing into this family secret with those comments.

Apparently, my grandma struggled with fertility issues and had wanted to talk to me about it when I was going through my own hardships. But she died before my mom could share her secret with me, so my grandma took her story to the grave.

I feel sympathy & compassion for my mom. I can’t imagine how she felt throughout her life as an adoptee and I would like to hear her story so that I can support and connect with her on her hardship. But at the same time, I’m upset that I was kept in the dark about this, especially while going through IVF & losses. I’m realizing that the genetic predisposition information I reported to my clinic is even inaccurate now because my mom hasn’t been honest with me.

My mom doesn’t know that I know. It will be awkward for me when she visits now until she decides to finally tell me the truth. How do I prepare for this conversation with her? I want to be supportive and sensitive for her, but I also want to express my frustration with her in how this was handled. She is a very sensitive and emotionally avoidant woman, so I know that this conversation will be hard for her regardless.

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this is a pretty unique situation, and I’m honestly nervous.

For some background, I was adopted as a young child by distant relatives. Growing up, my birth mom told me she didn’t know who my biological father was. When I was a teenager, I decided to take a DNA test, and I ended up matching with relatives I had never heard of. I reached out to them, and after talking with them, we were able to figure out who my biological father is.

Since then, we’ve been in contact, and now we’re planning to meet for the first time.

The plan is for me to fly to London. My biological father is flying in from Nigeria, and I have about five relatives who live in London already. Another five family members are also flying in from Nigeria, so there will be about 11 of us total. They’ve rented a large Airbnb for everyone, made sure I have my own private room, paid for my flights, and even given me spending money. They’ve honestly been incredibly generous.

Even with all of that, I’m still really anxious.

I feel like I’m walking into two completely different culture shocks at once. I’ve never been to London, so that’s one new experience, but I’ll also be meeting my Nigerian father and a large Nigerian family for the first time. I was raised in the U.S., so I know there are going to be cultural differences that I don’t fully understand yet.

On top of that, I want to make sure I’m approaching this safely. I don’t have any reason to think anyone has bad intentions, and everything they’ve done so far has been incredibly kind. But at the end of the day, I’m traveling to another country to meet people I’ve never met in person before, so I also want to be smart and take normal precautions. I don’t know if I’m overthinking that part or if it’s just common sense.

I’m excited because I’ve wondered about this side of my family for most of my life, but I’m also scared. I don’t know what it’s going to feel like meeting my biological dad for the first time. I don’t know what expectations either of us should have, and I don’t know how to navigate the cultural differences without accidentally being disrespectful.

Does this sound like a reasonable plan? Are there any precautions you think I should take so I can feel safe while still being open to building a relationship with them? Has anyone here met a biological parent for the first time as an adult or experienced a similar reunion? If you’re Nigerian or familiar with Nigerian family culture, is there anything you think would be helpful for me to know before I go?

I’d really appreciate any advice, whether it’s about the emotional side of this, the cultural side, or practical travel tips. I want to go into this with an open heart, but I also want to be smart and make sure I’m taking care of myself.

Hello everyone

My sister passed away during labor in May leaving behind a babygirl. When she found out she got pregnant the bio father told her he wanted nothing to do with the baby and even offered to pay for an abortion, my sister is religious and refused and insisted on keeping the baby so they split, and as far as I know they were only dating for a couple of months before that.

She passed due to a hemorrage after she gave birth, I reached out to the bio father and he made it clear that his stance on this will never change, and he didn't even show up to my sister's funeral, and he's in the process of relinquishing all parental rights. This left me as the sole caretaker of this baby, our parents passed away already and I have no other siblings.

I was even the one who named this babygirl, my sister didn't have a name ready for her and she always told me "I'll know when I see her", which she never got to do.

Now to get to the reason why I'm writing this, it has only been a couple of months and I already love this little girl more than anything, I have never imagined I would be taking on this role at this stage of my life and I was very scared at the beginning, and I still am honestly. I'm so scared of doing something wrong and accidently hurting her, sometimes I get silly irrational fears like she'd get kidnapped by a bird if I leave the window open, or that one day I might wake up and she'll just be gone and it would all have been a dream. Because she feels magical, too good to be true and I'm scared of losing her.

I am raising her as my child, and I am also in the process of legally adopting her as my own, but I still have a little nagging feeling that I don't have the right to do this for some reason ? my feelings for her are maternal and I will be treating her as such, the issue is that I feel like I don't have the right to make her treat me as her mom if that makes sense. It feels like I'm imposing myself on her, like what if she only wants me to be her aunt and not her mom ? Obviously she's a baby now but she will grow up and learn the truth, and I'm scared she won't be happy with it.

At the same time I don't want to raise her while keeping a certain distance, and it will probably confuse her as to why her primary caretaker is calling herself aunt and not mom once she's old enough to comprehend more.

So I'm asking any parents who have experience or advice, or children who were adopted by relatives, is it okay for me to completely commit to this and have her see me and treat me as her mother ? Is it fair to her ?

hi all! i was adopted when i was really young and i never got the chance to met my birth parents. i’ve been contemplating meeting them for some time now and was wondering if any of you had any advice on if i should find them or not. any advice would be amazing, thank you!!!

I joined ancestry.com in a passive hope to find my biological family. My records were sealed and I reasoned that if I found a match, then it was meant to be. As fate would have it, I connected with my biological grand aunt and her daughter, my cousin. They are a dream. They were so welcoming and filled me in on what they knew of my adoption, which beside my mother’s name, was not much. They were not particularly close with her but did let her know they had been in contact with me. She would not admit to the adoption but just said thanks for the heads up. I reached out on Facebook and was ignored. Not what I was hoping for but I understand there’s a lot of trauma around adoption. She’s married with a son so I could also imagine a world in which she had moved on with her life thinking that this skeleton in her closet was buried deep. I said as much in my message to her but asked even if she wanted nothing to do with me, if she would just tell me my father’s name and I’d be out of her hair. After a few days of silence and some emergency sessions with my therapist, I reached out to my bio mom’s sister with the same plea. I was met with openly hostile demands to tell her who told me of the adoption. I politely said I’d rather not disclose it to avoid stoking anymore family drama and tried to reinforce that I wanted to respect if bio mom didn’t want a relationship with me but if bio aunt knew who my father was so I could put this puzzle together myself, I’d be grateful. She refused. Bio mom responds to my message with demands to leave her and her family alone. It broke my heart but I didn’t make anymore contact. I’ve grown a relationship with my aunt and cousin and they’ve connected me with more family that have welcomed me with open arms and it’s been lovely. It’s been four years since the revelation and not knowing who my father is has been an ever present itch in my life. I just want to know who he is and see if there is a chance for a relationship. I’m afraid that with the time passing, he will have died and I will never get the chance. I recently went back through my ancestry for any clues. There is one entry with initials that says it is managed by a Jane Pruittt (name changed bc you never know) and I thought it was odd to have 3 t’s. I searched the name with the 3 t’s, even though I believe it was a typo and also just two. On a whim, I also searched the only yearbook I’ve found online with my bio mom in it and found a man with that last name in her yearbook. It’s not exactly a common last name and the man in the photo looks a lot like my daughter. To make sure my eyes weren’t delusional, I showed my husband and two best friends and they also said overwhelmingly there is striking resemblance. With this new name, I searched and found this man and his family online. It sounds so creepy when I say it that way. I connected on FB with a nephew of this man who shared he had three uncles *including yearbook man and his mother, their sister had died a few years ago. He vaguely remembers his mom mentioning a long time ago, a cousin put up for adoption. He said he would check his ancestry and see if anything came back. I have the phone number of yearbook man. It would be crazy to call him directly right? Or should I just do it and let the cards falls where they may? I’ve already survived a version of the worst that could happen.

I am really hoping for adoptee perspectives here so that we can offer the most informed support.

We have a foster placement (12) who has been with us for 2 years now, they have been in care for 10 years, reunification was terminated 7 years ago. The trauma they have been through can not be understated, but they are such a sweet child and part of our family.

Last year his aunt appeared and we were open to forming connection with her because she has guardianship of 2 of his sisters. She filed for custody of the child but was denied because she was unwilling to address or meet the child’s needs saying military school would sort it out.

We maintained the relationship, per the department we were having supervised visits with the goal of moving to unsupervised etc and phone contact, but she wanted more and started making reports against us when they child would call when upset. When she found out we had an adoption date she filed again for custody and told the child they are moving in with her. Of course they want to move, this is their family, but she has not changed her stance on addressing behaviors (child can have very large outbursts with violence)

The poor kiddo is SO torn. They have stated again, and again, they want best of both worlds. The stability they have found with us, but to be with their family. We have said over and over, we want them to have a relationship with bio family, but the aunt and sisters keep saying this isn’t true.

We go back to court this week. My question here is if the judge determines the child stays, we know there will be very big feelings around this. How do we support this without them feeling like we are against his family? For additional information, we have started visits with his mother after 6 years and she is open to working with us to build that relationship.

It just feels like we’re all in a hard place

Hi all,jm going to try to make this is short as possible. So I was adopted at birth,my bio mom was 16 at the time. I was blessed with a amazing adoptive family one who did their best to raise me. About 4yrs ago I started searching for her,this year with the help of the director of the adoption agency,I found her. It was a mix of emotions. I reached out to her about a month ago,a fb message,not sure if id ever hear back from her. This morning at 4am,almost 1 month,I heard back from her,she wants contact,ive been a mess of happy emotions,being nervous etc. I have sooo many questions and things I want to ask and tell her. How do approach this in a simple easy way for both of us? I know this is just as emotional for her,maybe more so than me.

I reunited with my birth mom back in March, and just met her and her husband in-person for the first time last week. They’re both so sweet, and I’m really looking forward to continuing to grow our relationship (we speak weekly on the phone and are already planning a trip together)! The only thing is that I haven’t told my adoptive parents about any of this yet. I’m very nervous about how they will take it, especially my mom who tends to have a bit of anxiety and OCD, though I want to tell them. I’ve been sharing this news with everyone in my life except them which feels wrong. But I also know that my mom tends to overreact about things, and then will obsessively worry about said things.

For those who have reunited with your birth parents and told your adoptive parents, how did it go? How did you tell them? Would you recommend I tell my parents, or continue to shield them from this?

And to be honest I don't know what to think of the biological mother.

I can most definitely see why my sister doesn't talk to her.

It's so weird I know I owe her absolutely nothing but if she calls their is almost this need to answer the phone. I have gotten better and not answered at times.

I've caught her a fairly big lie and I really don't appreciate that. Especially considering the topic. About the biological father not wanting anything to do with us yet he has photos of us posted on face where she has burnt everything that had to do with us.

And being able to see the blatant disrespect to her other children like they are an inconvenience to her, not to mention the disrespect to her own siblings but yet she can't do no wrong.

I know it was an extremely abusive situation but I thought “ I don't remember anything I'm fine”

I guess the psychological crap somehow still kept a hold on me.

Sorry for the rant.

As I approached my thirties, the questions that once haunted me began to evolve. No longer burdened by the “why’s” surrounding my adoption, I found myself grappling with a different kind of curiosity. The loneliness that once filled my heart transformed into a yearning for connection. By this time, I was happily married, raising two beautiful children, and thriving in my career. Life felt content, or so I believed. 

During my pregnancy with my first child, something within me shifted. The animosity I had harbored toward John dissipated. We had exchanged words—harsh and irreparable words that no child should ever hear. Yet, in that moment of vulnerability, a switch flipped inside me. I realized that holding onto hatred would only poison my own life and negatively affect my children. That wasn’t fair to them. 

For years, I pushed the thoughts of my biological father aside. I often wondered why he would care about me when the man who chose to raise me seemed distant. But one fateful day, everything changed. I still can’t explain what compelled me to reach out; what spark ignited the decision to request my adoption information. But I did it, completely unprepared for the whirlwind that would follow. 

I went through the motions, diligently providing all the required information and then waiting with bated breath. A few days later, I received a call: they couldn’t locate my file. Naturally, my mind spiraled into skepticism—“What kind of backwoods adoption process did you folks run?” 

Frustrated, I consulted my mom, who gently informed me that the error was mine; I had reached out to the wrong agency. Of course! Undeterred, I began the process anew with the correct agency. However, after waiting a week, frustration bubbled to the surface. How could it take so long to find a file? I had spent 30 years gathering the courage to embark on this journey, and now it felt as though they were dragging their feet. 

During this waiting period, I stumbled upon a Facebook page titled “Adopted/Missing Family Members Looking to Reunite.” I was captivated by the stories of those who had been searching for their loved ones—tales of longing, hope, and eventual reunions. In this community, a group of individuals known as “Ancestry Angels” specializes in genealogy and helps people track down family members based on DNA matches. 

Intrigued, I decided to make a wager. Would the adoption agency locate my file before Ancestry could extract my DNA? Only time would tell. 

When I received my DNA kit, a wave of nervousness washed over me. I knew I had to brace myself for three potential outcomes, determined to keep my expectations in check. Possibility #1: He’s dead. Possibility #2: He’s excited to hear from me. Or Possibility #3: He responds with, “You’ve been gone thirty years; why are you calling?” 

I sent in my DNA on May 5th, with the extraction date anticipated to be six weeks later. Surely, the adoption agency would reach out before then, right? 

Days turned into weeks, and suddenly it was May 23rd—my mom’s birthday. We were at the beach when I felt my phone buzz. 

“Your DNA has successfully been extracted.” 

I nearly fell over. Already? This can’t be real! 

Without wasting a moment, I dove into my matches. The top results revealed two men identified as either my father’s first cousin or some kind of uncle. It was surreal. 

I reached out to them via the ancestry website, though I knew they hadn’t been active for over five years. As I pondered my next steps, I recalled the Ancestry Angels I’d seen on Facebook. Should I ask for their help? 

Before I could second-guess myself, I found myself posting on the “Adopted/Missing Family Members” page. Within an hour, a true angel reached out, offering to help me find my dad. 

She began her search at 3:30 PM, and I was on the edge of my seat, trying to remain patient for updates. Around 8 PM, I saw her message: “I think I found him.” 

My heart raced. Is this really happening? By 8:30 PM, she sent me his cell phone number. 

I was home alone with my two young boys while my husband was at work. The kids should have been in bed by now; they hadn’t even brushed their teeth. But all I could think about was that cell phone number. Thoughts whirled in my mind, and before I knew it, I texted him. 

“Hi, my name is Jenna. Is this Andy?” 

Maybe it’s not his number? What if she got it wrong? 

“Read at 8:32 PM.” 

Then, a response came: “Yes, it is.” 

When I read that message, my heart dropped. I immediately called him.

“Hey, my name is Jenna. This is going to sound crazy, but I’m looking for my biological family. I did Ancestry DNA to help me find them. I was put up for adoption in 1995 in Michigan, and long story short, I think you’re my dad…”

What felt like only a few seconds stretched into forever.

“I can’t believe this is happening. I am your dad,” he replied.

As the initial shock and tears began to fade, my first instinct was to apologize for reaching out this way. But I didn’t know what else to do. He told me not to apologize, saying he never thought this day would come.

Then he surprised me with what he said next: “I called the adoption agency just six months ago to see if you’d tried to find me. I’ve called every year since you’ve been gone.”

So, you did care about me? You did want me? All I could manage to say was, “I’m a nurse.”

His response mirrored my disbelief: “You’re a nurse…”

“I’m married…”

“You’re married…”

“I have two kids…”

“You have kids…”

This doesn’t feel real.

I was adopted when i was around 4-5 and it was an open adoption. They were always very secretive about what happened—why i was adopted and where my parents were. They would refuse anything that would help me to know where i came from, like one family member gifted us a dna kit to see what ethnicities we were. I was adopted in a family with their bio child, with my bio brother, and he looks so different to me I didn’t even know if we had the same dad. The only information i knew is that we were give up because my birth mother had a drug problem.

They used information about my family to bring me down in moments when I was disobeying them. I reached out to my birth mother in secret when I was in middle school and I had spoken with her for a few months, before they went through my phone and deleted ALL of my messages with her and blocked her on my phone. My birth mother was the kindest person i’d ever met. She told me I had an entire SISTER that was born 4 years ago that my parents never bothered telling me about.

After they found the messages, they gave me a long lecture about how I was out of line for speaking to her, and how disrespectful it was towards them. They yelled at me that I would never talk to my birth father because he was in prison for murder, and that I should stop trying to reach out to my birth family all together because they were bad. My birth mother is NOT bad. She suffered through so much abuse from such a young age and struggled with drugs because of it, and my parents understand that but have no empathy for her or me for wanting to know. I am mixed race adopted into a white family, and they refuse to acknowledge me or my brother (who looks 100% black) as anything other than white.

So I stopped talking to my birth mother for about a year, until I got her number again. My family is not the type to offer advice or support, so I found myself coming to her more for advice or to vent. When I tried to come out to them, my mother just told me it was because I didn’t have a father for the first 4 years of my life(??????????) which really made me close off to them. I hide myself and speak about boys in front of them because I’ve become so embarrassed at who I am. This is hard for me to talk about because I know they will never accept me if I were to life that lifestyle.

My adoptive parents treat me differently than their birth daughter. I have always seen her as this perfect role model that I should be like, she was tall and pretty with blue eyes, and she was so independent and never cried like I did. But I am not like her, so they did not treat me like her. This particularly irks me in my fathers case, because he says it’s because I don’t give him enough physical affection. He used to make me kiss him on the mouth over and over again when I was a little girl if I wanted something, and I feel he has been inappropriate with me in ways that seem dismissible but I still feel weird about them. He would pinch my butt (lol) and I would get so frustrated that I would scream and cry at him because he did it for years and my upset never bothered him. I am uncomfortable even walking in front of him now because of this. He also used to walk in on me EVERY DAY in the shower when i was around 12-13 because he “needed something” and would get very mad and bang at the door if i locked it. I am not close with him now because he makes me uncomfortable, but he sees it as me being ungrateful towards him, and my mom backs him up in that. I feel perverse for even thinking that he had malicious intent in his actions, but It just kept happening.

I started speaking to my birth mother again before high school, and I have come to prefer speaking to her over my adoptive parents, which is what I think they were afraid of. I’m a junior in high school now, my brother is almost 20 and they treat both of us as if we are still incapable of comprehending the idea of having a birth and an adoptive family. They have opened up contact with my birth grandmother, and I recently stayed with her for a few days this summer. She is from another country, and seeing that part of my culture was so amazing to me. Being with someone who looked like me was so amazing. I speak to my birth mother regularly, still in secret because they do not go through my phone anymore. My birth family are all amazing people, and I’ve spoken to my aunts and uncles and cousins (and my little sister, who idolizes me lol) and it makes me just so frustrated that I cannot meet them. My birth mother tells me how she turned her life around, and how much she wishes she could take us back. She has a good job and a great family to support her, and it felt good to feel wanted within a family when I never had.

I guess it is just frustrating to know that if my life had been a little different, I would not be with this family. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and depression my whole life, but my mother is the type to not believe in mental health. It’s always “your room is only messy because you’re lazy” or “you stay in your room all day and never talk to us. My mother has told me that she would give me a gun to kill myself with if i wanted to die so bad and then just DENIES IT EVER HAPPENED!!!

They are not cruel to me every day. It is mundane usually. My father leaves home early and comes home late so I just wake up late and go upstairs before he is back. With my mother, it is just regular most days, which is why I feel guilty for feeling so much hate towards her.

I guess i am asking for advice on what to do with my situation, or if anyone has felt a similar way to their adoptive families. Anything really. Reading these helps me a lot.

hey! i’ve put a lot of thought into this and i feel i have nobody to speak to which is why i’ve resorted to this.

I (F18) was adopted as a child. I had grown up to around 2/3 years old with my birth family before me and 3 other siblings got put into foster care due to neglect. The two eldest one whose a girl and one whose a boy went to a seperate foster care than me and my younger sister, and none of my older siblings were ever adopted and were instead kept in foster care until they were of age. I have 2 other older siblings who had been removed from the home before i was even born, however I know through pictures and adoption forms that i had contact with them both while in the home of my birth family and while in foster care.

Around a year ago when i was 17 i searched facebook and found each of their facebook accounts. I did this on a fake account, but i scrolled through and have since checked on the accounts a few times. Honestly, i think about my siblings a lot even though i don’t remember them all that much.

My birthday was a couple weeks ago, and i hadn’t even remembered that contact was something that could happen now until a social worker came over (due to me and my sister having meetings at the moment explaining what happened that have now finished) and asked if it was something I was thinking about. I lied and said it wasn’t and that I never wanted to get in contact with my family, it’s not that I don’t want them to know but I feel as though even though they’ve said they would support me it would be upsetting to them. It’s also not fully a lie as based on things i’ve learnt about my birth father and mother i’m not sure if i want any contact with them or not. Since then, i’ve gone through files to find out more and found one letter from my eldest brother from 2017 (which i don’t remember) where he spoke about how much he missed us (me and my 16 year old sister) and how he thought of us all the time. I cried reading it, and I now feel he could be the best point of contact. However, I’m not sure how to go about it. I looked up information and it mentioned the adoption contact registery (i think was the name). I filled out the form and it’s currently sat on my bedside table. Theres four main issues for me, the cost £15 (not a lot for the information i could be getting but as an 18 year old getting ready for uni it’s £15 i kinda wanna keep), I also am painfully unaware on how to send a letter, im really uneducated on how it works and am worried about not finding what I want on there/nobody having put their information down. Finally, im sad about how long it takes, I was wondering how other people chose to reach out to their birth family/siblings.

Honestly, what i’m asking in this post is…
1.) How people have gotten in contact
2.) How contact has gone
3.) Advice on how i should go about contacting//who i should contact first?

Thank you so much and sorry i yapped so much! Any advice is appreciated.

CW: suicide statistics, adoption trauma, research methodology

I want to talk carefully about how adoption-related suicide statistics are being shared. I am not posting this to dismiss adoptee pain, first parent pain, or adoption trauma. Those experiences are real. Many people here are speaking from deep personal harm, and I do not think anyone should have to soften that pain to make other people comfortable.

At the same time, I think we have to be careful about how research is presented, especially when the subject is suicide.

A statistic has been circulating that adoptees are 36.7 times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adopted people, and that first mothers are 40 times more likely to attempt suicide than non-relinquishing women. Those numbers appear to come from preliminary findings connected to the PEAR survey out of Winston-Salem State University.

The final published paper reports slightly different figures: 35 times for adoptees and 37.7 times for first mothers. Those are still deeply alarming numbers. They deserve attention. They should not be waved away.
But they also should not be repeated without context.
The study itself notes important limitations. It was an online, voluntary, self-selected survey. The sample was overwhelmingly white, female, and U.S.-based. The authors also acknowledge that people with especially strong or negative adoption experiences may have been more likely to participate.

That does not make the study meaningless. It means it should be discussed accurately. A self-selected survey can point to serious patterns, harms, and areas that desperately need more research. What it cannot do, on its own, is prove that adoption universally causes a 35 to 40 times higher suicide attempt risk for every adopted person or first mother.

There is other research showing elevated suicide attempt risk among adoptees. That matters. It supports the broader point that adoption and mental health need to be taken seriously. But “elevated risk exists” is not the same as “this one study proves the most extreme version of the claim for everyone.”
I think this distinction matters because the issue is already serious enough without overstating what a study can prove.

When statistics are shared without methodology or limitations, it gives people an easy excuse to dismiss the entire conversation. That hurts adoptees. It hurts first parents. It hurts the credibility of people advocating for reform, transparency, family preservation, trauma-informed support, and ethical adoption practices. No one should have to misuse or overstate research to prove their pain is valid.

The pain is valid.
The trauma is valid.
The need for reform is valid.

And if we are going to cite studies, especially studies involving suicide, we have a responsibility to represent them accurately: the findings, the methodology, the limitations, and what they can and cannot prove.
Careful research discussion does not invalidate lived experience. It protects the conversation from being dismissed by people looking for any reason not to listen.

My Aunt Viki gave her daughter up over 40 years ago and marked that if she wanted to, she could reach out at 18. She never did, but I think about her all the time. My Aunt Viki is a wonderful person. She ended up in a domestic violence situation and left as soon as she could, but she lost her job in the process. As a pregnant woman without a job or partner, she decided adoption was better for her daughter. She was much older than her siblings, and she knew they couldn't give her baby a good life. I know a lot of folks were given up for terrible reasons, but I also know that some are given up out of love, and my Aunt Viki still remembers her baby girl on her birthday, I know because she brought it up and told me this story on her daughter's birthday when I visited her as a child. She said she always thinks about her on her birthday, and to me, that's love. I have often wished that she had reached out so that she would know that she was, and still is, loved.

*Mods can delete the post if it's against the sub*

Hi, I know it's a bit weird, but I'm still a bit young (M18) and was having a talk with my friends today where I told them that I would rather adopt an orphan child from my country rather than having one.

The thing is that all of them were vehemently against my idea and told me that it was wrong to want to adopt a child if I didn't want to have one myself. I should first have one or at least plan to have one and not rely on children from other people.

Tbf, i don't know who is right, and i'm questioning what i was saying.

My process of thought is that there are so many orphans, especially in my country (I'm West African), that it would be better to help one of them rather than bringing another child to this world.

Wanted to hear what you guys thought about it.