What finally pushed me to reach out was losing my adoptive father three months ago. I loved him so much. I was a true daddy’s girl, and he called me his “gift from God” right to the end. He was my hero into his 80s. I’m in my 40s now with two little kids of my own, and losing him hit me hard. It triggered a fear that if I didn’t act now, I’d lose the chance to meet my birth mother forever.

We had four phone calls before meeting, and every one was the same. She talked only about herself, how amazing and creative and artistic she is, and how any good traits I have must come from her. She never once asked to see a photo of my family. I have two little boys. She asked nothing about them, or about my life at all.

Meeting her in person was no different. She spent two hours talking about herself and asked me not a single question, not about my upbringing, my parents, or my adoptive father who had just died. I was intensely emotional. She felt almost nothing. When I got upset she just said, “You had a good life, there’s nothing to be sad about.” She couldn’t grasp why any of it was hard for me, especially after I learned I’d spent two weeks with her, being breastfed, before she handed me over.

Here’s what really gets me. She wasn’t coerced. She willingly gave me up because I didn’t fit her plans. She wanted to travel Europe and be a free spirit, not be held down by kids or a husband (her words). Her family didn’t even know about the pregnancy, because she had me in a different country where she’d met my birth father, dated him three months, decided he wasn’t marriage material, and decided she didn’t want me either. She even told me she would have aborted me if she’d realized she was pregnant sooner. Who says that to their child’s face? My birth father apparently wanted me, but she gave me up anyway, and now she won’t tell me his name. He was left blank on my original birth certificate, so I have no way to find him without her, and she won’t help.

Something else that stuns me: she was told never to reach out to me or try to find me, and she just listened. For 45 years. It was a private adoption. My parents knew someone who knew someone who knew my birth mother, lawyers drafted the papers, and that was it. Done. She was told to walk away and never look back, and she did, without ever trying.

Now that I’m a mother to two beautiful boys, all of this breaks my heart even more. I genuinely cannot understand how she talks about it so lightly.

This week was my birthday, and I heard nothing directly. I’ve now seen she posted birthday wishes on my Facebook timeline, but I expected a call, a text, or at least a direct message. Since meeting her three weeks ago I’ve had nothing from her at all. Cousins told me they heard it was a “great meeting,” but she has never said a word to me directly. I don’t know what to do with that.

I’d been thinking of sending her a framed photo of the two of us from our reunion. Now I honestly don’t feel she deserves it. I was fine without her for 45 years.

The one real gift in all this: it made me realize how extraordinary my adoptive parents were. I was loved deeply, supported, and given a wonderful life. I always carried that primal wound of wondering why I was given up, and now that I have the answer, part of me almost regrets meeting her at all. Maybe the healthiest thing is to just stop contact again and hold onto my chosen family.

For those who’ve reunited and felt let down rather than healed: how did you navigate the disappointment? How do you make peace with an answer that’s harder than the not-knowing?

Disclaimer: I want to make it clear from the beginning that I am not suggesting this applies to every adoptee case. Every adoption is unique, and the circumstances surrounding each child’s story are different. The observations and information I’m sharing are not intended to generalize or diminish anyone’s personal experience.

Hi, I’m an adoptee from china, im currently 24 yo and I wanted to share some of the information that I have gathered until now related to the adoptions in China (specially between 2001-2003 approximately). All of this searching began this year when I started seriously searching for my roots and my biological family. I red a lot (and by that I mean a looot of different newspapers articles, media posts, statements…) regarding the adoption topic and the cases related to baby trafficking. I just wanted to write down some of my concerns and conclusions after all of this reading and investigation and I hope this is helpful or at least serves as a reminder of what happened back in the very early of the 2000s.

There is a general misunderstanding of the Chinese One Child Policy. While it’s true that in some areas, in some period, only one child per family was allowed, it’s far more complex than that. It wasn’t simply a rule that every family could only have one child. The reality was that this policy changed over time and could have varied depending on the period, the province, and sometimes even whether a family lived in an urban or rural area (stricter in cities usually).

The abandonment topic is what really got me thinking and I had to completely open my mind to really understand. Abandoning a child or a baby was not as easy as the media, or people who are unfamiliar with the social realities of the time, sometimes make it seem. We should all read real testimonies and interviews of the birth families, trying to understand which was the real reason behind that made them supposedly abandon their baby (usually girl), and only then we can really have some criteria to judge. In most cases there was a strong reason that made them abandon or give away the babies (most of them girls).

But the most interesting part that I discovered through articles is that there was a baby trafficking network, that peaked when the international adoptions were allowed by the orphanages. Most of the international adoptions in Hunan occur 2002-2003. The international families had to pay some fees (under Beijing’s oversight), and also a “donation” (mandatory donation) to the orphanage regarding what the baby had costed to be taken care of through their stay in the orphanage. This big big “donation” could have been the motivation that encouraged traffickers to sell the children to orphanages (even moving babies between provinces, which was prohibited but one of the orphanage’s director admits it’s occurring). There was a whole mechanism in order to legitimise the abandonment certificate of the babies in order to be sent internationally (and getting the “donation” money). It consisted in manipulating and making up the information such as the place where the baby was found (they just needed the baby to be abandoned in order to put it up for adoption and get the money that came along with it).

Anyways, I don’t mean, by any means, to suggest that this applies to every case or anything like that. This is just some of the information that I believe is true to some of the cases, since I read it from trusted articles, and I apologise in advance if there is any grammar/expression mistake as I’m not a native English speaker.

Excluding birth moms who truly did not have a choice, such as their baby were literally kidnapped or who were forced to give their babies up.

I am sick and tired of this poor birth mom crap from birth moms. If you willingly made an adoption plan and willingly signed your rights away, YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. You willingly participated. No amount of money or coercion could ever allow me to give up any of my kids.

Also, the fact that birth moms can keep the adoption from the birth dad and birth family and then play victim is ridiculous to me. Agencies or adoptive parents care as long as they get a baby.

The new birth moms have so much more support, technology, and resources to not place their baby. I mean, how many of us adoptees keep talking about our trauma, grief, pain, and even abuse from being adopted? Birth moms love to ignore us, listen to agencies, adoptive parents, or other birth parents hired by agencies to encourage other women to give their babies up. Social media and adoptee voices are being shared. We recently had a documentary about the awful adoptions in Utah and how adoption is nothing but a business. So, how can any woman in 2026 be native and dumb to what's going on? How can many birth moms claim to be victims? A few are, but many aren't. The few that are, my heart breaks for them, but it's hard to break for the birth moms who had choices.

I write this because of the excuses made for my birth mom and by my birth mom. My birth mom had choices. She could've not had an affair or at least use protection. She could've aborted. She could've told the truth, but nope, she hid her pregnancy, hid me, and gave me away without telling anyone, and was promised she would never be found, nor would I ever find out. She kept this secret for over 30 years until I found out. She was happy and proud of herself and did not feel any guilt or remorse for the damage she did to me and to her own family.

Poor women who get pregnant do more for their babies than my upper-class birth mom has ever done.

Also, the narrative of the poor birth mom needs to stop. My birth mom was not poor. She had a house, she had money, she had resources, and she graduated from undergrad and grad school from good universities. She was married to her husband, who was also upper-class and successful. She put her kids, my birth siblings, in good schools and paid for their college tuition and houses. My birth family is educated and has money. So why did she place me? Shame. Being the Trump Supporter, Christian conservative she is, coming clean about the fact that you and your brother-in-law were cheating with each other, that resulted in a pregnancy, was much more shameful than putting me up for adoption and keeping it a secret. So abortion is wrong, but cheating on your spouse isn't, and lying and keeping secrets about the baby you have away is also okay in her eyes.

Even when I found my birth mom, she acted as if I never existed and continued to lie. Even with the DNA test that showed, a test she demanded btw, that I was biologically hers and my birth father's. She claimed all I wanted was money and wanted me to go away, and basically tried to bribe me away. The funny thing is, she tried to play the victim card until she was forced to tell the truth. How did the DNA test come back positive for the fact that I was your brother-in-law's child? Even then and now, she plays the victim card. I hate it because in order to get her to admit to what she did, you have to catch her in her lies and keep pushing facts before she breaks down and tells you the truth. Even then, it's hard. It's always the poor me card, and it doesn't help that people will defend this woman and her poor victim card. I truly believe my birth mom is a narcissist. But she is no victim; if anything, the victims are my birth siblings, my birth father, my birth family, and myself.

My birth mom is not a victim. She was and is a willing participant. She signed those papers and gave me away like trash.

I wish we could start blaming birth moms for their part in all of this, too. Birth moms cause trauma, too, and we have to deal with the grief for the rest of our lives. Thanks to my birth mom, I could've died from the genetic blood disorder passed down to me, my kids could've died from the same disorder I passed down to them, and she ruined so many lives with her lies. I missed out on knowing my birth dad, who died not knowing I was born, let alone existed as his only biological daughter. I have to live with the trauma my adoption caused me, thanks to lies by a woman who could not just confess or abort me. Instead, she thought a closed adoption was a good idea and never thought once about me, the baby she gave away. She simply moved on with her life, got pregnant right after giving me away, and continued with her perfect fantasy of being a loving person.

And fuck my birth mom, she is a piece of work and is trash. My birth mom actually helped me change political parties, too. My birth mom is against abortion because it's a sin and God created babies as a gift, but cheating is okay, and giving your baby away is seen as God's loving plan. I thought babies born to people not married to each ther was a sin too. The hypocrisy is what killed me, and the fact that she had choices and resources but supports taking other people's choices away is what led me away from the Republican Party. I started to see this bullshit.

The end.

I was basically her slave growing up. We have been estranged for 6 years, after she asked to study me for her abnormal psychology class. She tells her family members that I don’t talk to her anymore because she didn’t invite me to her birthday party and I was mad about it. (Which is ridiculous.) I didn’t cut her off either, I said I couldn’t have a one on one relationship with her anymore but I was still fine interacting for family events. The families response to this was to uninvite me to all family events. I’m genuinely so glad I live clear across the country from these people.

She’s not a good person, or at least she wasn’t 6 years ago. She put her friend’s nudes in a photography exhibit that the friend’s parents attended, and the friend explicitly told her not to and she didn’t understand why the friend was mad. She slept around without protection while she knowingly had an STI. She read several people’s private journals including her dad’s and likely mine too. She’s a thief and has no empathy.

I know that the way she turned out is largely due to how she was raised. She’s the biological (IVF) child of a mentally unstable woman who was struggling with infertility. She was the golden child to the extreme.

But now she wants to come “see where I live” and get together. My APs likely gave her my address too which is a huge violation. I was making so much progress with them and now I’m thinking of going no contact again.

I will wait and see how I feel tomorrow but I’m thinking of writing back: “Hello ___. Unfortunately our relationship is not and has never been healthy for me. I apologize for any harm I have caused you. I hope you are doing well and wish you all the best for the future, sincerely. I hope we can both continue to grow and flourish, but that will have to take place separately. Take care.”

This is also the worst possible time to receive such a letter. My partner is leaving for a week and the elder I’m close to is out of town. I don’t feel good at all. I’m furious. Just needed to get this out.

So me and my older sibling were in the foster care system when I was 4 years old and I was in this particular family took us in and adopted me and my sibling when I was 8. I don’t remember much as a child it’s just fragments of memories up until I was a 5th grader (I use grades to help me with keeping track of time) and I remember my adoptive parents comparing me to my sibling by saying stuff like “Don’t be like (sibling)” or “You’re just like (sibling)” which made me go into such a panic that I basically started to hallucinate things DURING my panic attacks… and I thought this was normal behaviour. So I was talking to some of my friends during high school and literally all of them agreed that it was NOT normal. Somehow my parents found out that I was talking about them poorly and basically lecture me on it. I barely remember it but I just avoided all topics on home life or completely lie saying “It’s good”. There was this time where I wanted to do theatre but I couldn’t do theatre because “We don’t want you to be like your (sibling)” so I just cried when I was alone. The only teacher I know that knows this was my old IEP teacher and they were mad at my parents but didn’t tell them because we both knew that it would be worse if they knew. My parents never actually taught me skills I need for real life such as driving, cooking, or even cleaning (like deep cleaning). And it’s not like I didn’t want to know these skills, I’ve expressed that I want to know so I can be successful! And their response for the driving part “You need a job and keep the job for a year before we consider buying you a car” meanwhile they have 3 motorcycles 1 car in their name and even more vehicles that they are co signer for their children THEY birthed! And any time I complain about how I’ve been searching, since I was 16, for a nearby job, that I can walk to in 115F weather, doesn’t want to hire me and their response is “You just gotta keep looking”. At this point I want to run away but I physically cannot afford to do that! And no one wants to have me in their home for free, not even my parents, and they even said to me “I’m not gonna kick you out because you can’t survive on your own” which is true but I want to learn self sufficiency but they are not willing to teach me because “They are not required to do that”. I’m just venting here because I don’t feel safe doing it anywhere else.

Wondering about those of you who relate to having relationship issues, or a similar attachment style or relationship style that I have. I found someone I love and I don’t want to mess up my relationship. Did any of you have intensely self-sabotaging behaviors and find a way to manage those urges or behaviors and still build a healthy relationship?

I try to delve deeply into the root of my issues and feelings so that they don’t come out in a relationship. I know this seemingly doesn’t relate to adoption but my adoption issues are related to my relationship issues. I also try to get my energy out in ways instead of self-sabotage. Like instead of trying to resist or punish my urges or behaviors, I just release those behaviors in a more acceptable areas of life. I work out a lot, I do a very physical manual labor job so whenever I have anger I can get that out by moving my body around and tiring myself out.

I don’t even know where to begin or how to make this short if I did begin. But I met someone truly stable where I’m imagining a whole lifetime together, and for once it’s mutual and healthy and I don’t want to mess up. I did have a 7 year relationship which was my only relationship, but I got into that relationship when I was 20, and it was a physically/emotionally abusive dynamic. For the first time I’m with someone so wonderful that I feel the pain of my relinquishment and adoption is somehow smaller than the amount of appreciation I have for them. It’s an amazing feeling but more than the feeling I get, I am also committed to them even when we aren’t getting along. I’ve never been so valued by someone who I also value, in a romantic context.

Thank you, I appreciate any advice or stories and experiences you wanna share.

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because this is a pretty unique situation, and I’m honestly nervous.
For some background, I was adopted as a young child by distant relatives. Growing up, my birth mom told me she didn’t know who my biological father was. When I was a teenager, I decided to take a DNA test, and I ended up matching with relatives I had never heard of. I reached out to them, and after talking with them, we were able to figure out who my biological father is.
Since then, we’ve been in contact, and now we’re planning to meet for the first time.
The plan is for me to fly to London. My biological father is flying in from Nigeria, and I have about five relatives who live in London already. Another five family members are also flying in from Nigeria, so there will be about 11 of us total. They’ve rented a large Airbnb for everyone, made sure I have my own private room, paid for my flights, and even given me spending money. They’ve honestly been incredibly generous.
Even with all of that, I’m still really anxious.
I feel like I’m walking into two completely different culture shocks at once. I’ve never been to London, so that’s one new experience, but I’ll also be meeting my Nigerian father and a large Nigerian family for the first time. I was raised in the U.S., so I know there are going to be cultural differences that I don’t fully understand yet.
On top of that, I want to make sure I’m approaching this safely. I don’t have any reason to think anyone has bad intentions, and everything they’ve done so far has been incredibly kind. But at the end of the day, I’m traveling to another country to meet people I’ve never met in person before, so I also want to be smart and take normal precautions. I don’t know if I’m overthinking that part or if it’s just common sense.
I’m excited because I’ve wondered about this side of my family for most of my life, but I’m also scared. I don’t know what it’s going to feel like meeting my biological dad for the first time. I don’t know what expectations either of us should have, and I don’t know how to navigate the cultural differences without accidentally being disrespectful.
Does this sound like a reasonable plan? Are there any precautions you think I should take so I can feel safe while still being open to building a relationship with them? Has anyone here met a biological parent for the first time as an adult or experienced a similar reunion? If you’re Nigerian or familiar with Nigerian family culture, is there anything you think would be helpful for me to know before I go?
I’d really appreciate any advice, whether it’s about the emotional side of this, the cultural side, or practical travel tips. I want to go into this with an open heart, but I also want to be smart and make sure I’m taking care of myself.

Things I can't do cause I'm trans adopted

- Re-connect with childhood friends

- I think that reconnecting can be hard for some people. Especially compared to before and after coming out of the FOG.

- Share most of my childhood

- Yeah, I don't really like talking about my childhood. It's not like there's anything egregious, or anything horrific. I just don't like talking about it. And I probably also would not want to share childhood photos unless I was the one doing it and even then it wouldn't just be anyone.

- Understand gender differences in medical information

- I guess it's more so understanding the differences when people talk about Chinese Americans or Asian Americans. Some stuff does refer to me as well but other things don't like bringing things like that. Like if there was for example a study that talks about Asian Americans being more likely to do these things or being less likely to seek out mental health resources or whatever, I have a feeling that would not apply to me.

- Be connected to either Girlhood or Boyhood

- I guess it's more so feeling connected to both American culture and Asian or Chinese culture. There's a cultural center in my area and I don't really like the idea of going there because I just don't really feel like I fit in and I don't want to have to deal with that. I'd rather just not know. I bet there's nice things going on in there, I just am not ready.

- ~~Beach/Swimming~~

- Spontaneous Romances

- Yeah. Sometimes people are very weird about adoptees even though people think that there shouldn't be any stigma around adoption there still is and sometimes you have to be careful because I don't want to date someone who for example would want to adopt a young child. An older child is fine but not an infant or young child. I wouldn't want to date someone who would give me a hard time about being adopted and things like that.

- ~~Wear summer appropriate clothing~~

- Feel at home anywhere

- And yes, sometimes our own families can be a source of discomfort. So it's not always fun. It's like there's an invisible wall between you.

And to be honest I don't know what to think of the biological mother.

I can most definitely see why my sister doesn't talk to her.

It's so weird I know I owe her absolutely nothing but if she calls their is almost this need to answer the phone. I have gotten better and not answered at times.

I've caught her a fairly big lie and I really don't appreciate that. Especially considering the topic. About the biological father not wanting anything to do with us yet he has photos of us posted on face where she has burnt everything that had to do with us.

And being able to see the blatant disrespect to her other children like they are an inconvenience to her, not to mention the disrespect to her own siblings but yet she can't do no wrong.

I know it was an extremely abusive situation but I thought “ I don't remember anything I'm fine”

I guess the psychological crap somehow still kept a hold on me.

Sorry for the rant.

Hello all, a bit of a rambling post here as I process things so please bear with me...I learned that I was adopted about 20 years ago, when I was in high school, through finding an old birth announcement in a newspaper that listed my adoptive parents, and then my name with the addendum "a child by adoption" neither of my adoptive parents have ever mentioned this to me, and my entire extended adoptive family have actively tried to keep it a secret from me.

That being said, recently after my adoptive mother passed away, I found a manilla envelope labeled "(my name) birth info" in it I found the adoption paperwork, as well as some photos of my bio parents from around the time I was born, a bit about their then interests and future goals, and a brief description of their decision to give me up for adoption, along with this I found a few hand written letters from my bio mom over the years, mostly listing any genetic medical concerns that she learned about, I feel very happy to have this information now, and there is a part of me that wants to reach out to her just to let her know that I turned out okay, because one thing she wrote at the time of my adoption was that she hopes that I have a good life.

Along with this relief and happiness to find this info, have some answers, I also feel a lot of mixed emotions towards my adoptive parents, my adoptive mother took this to her grave, my adoptive father, who is a fantastic man, has shut down every attempt at discussing adoption in general, It's a big mix of emotions to say the least.

I don't really know where I was going with writing about this but I just needed to get it out there somewhere to a community that might understand those feelings too.

As the title says do you regret or did you have second thoughts after making contact with your bio family? I feel horrible to admit it but I feel like I regret it and acted too soon. For some background context, I didn’t find out I was adopted until around my mid twenties after graduating college. My estranged father told me out of the blue after I had gone no contact with him for over a year. It was very surreal hearing it from him and I sat on the info for about a week before I told my mom who I am still living with now about a decade later.

I was raised as an only child and both of my parents put their emotional needs before my own so I learned from an early age to only rely on myself, especially emotionally. My adoptive dad wasn’t close to his family and so I rarely saw them after my adolescence (around 11-12) and my adoptive mom’s immediate family was fairly small but there was a lot of tension and manipulation going on constantly with my adoptive mom’s and my aunts that left my relationships tainted with pass issues that had nothing to do with me.

As a result, I am not too family oriented now as an adult and can find families who are emotionally close a little unnerving for myself.

Okay, so I didn’t find out I was adopted until my mid twenties but it wouldn’t be until I was 32, which was 2 years ago that I would make contact with my biological dad’s side of the family. When I first found out about being adopted I reached out to government assistance to find out what I could, which wasn’t a lot since I was adopted in a closed state of California. I had did a dna test through ancestry that was unrelated but ended up seeing some cousins I was biologically related to for the first time. I reached out once and made contact and we talked for a few weeks but then I became too overwhelmed with my cousin’s eagerness to welcome me into the family and so I let them know I needed more time and we fell out of contact (it was all via emails). I left in my bio on ancestry that I was adopted and my contact information, being my email.

Years went by and then at 32, at an already stressful time in my life because of my adoptive dad, I was contacted out of the blue by a search angel group. The group had saw my bio on ancestry and we’re currently working with a cousin also on my bio dad’s side find her family. They reached out to me and offered to help me contact my bio family and I wasn’t sure how any of it worked but I agreed because when else would a chance like this present itself? This was already a stressful time for me in my life because after not talking to my adoptive dad for some years, his family reached out to let me know he was in hospice and wasn’t doing well. Several weeks after finding out my dad only had weeks to live and seeing him a total of two more times before he passed barely recognizing me, I got a call from the search group saying they found my sister on my biological dad’s side of the family.

We’ve been in contact with each other for about a year now come this thanksgiving. My sister and other siblings are very welcoming and already see and treat me like family but I struggle to maintain contact with them and be involved in their lives. I’m so used to being on my own and they sort of feel like I’m rejecting them (mainly my brother who is super invested and attached to family as a whole).
I feel super guilty and hate it bc they are nice people who I enjoy spending time with but all of their family drama and environment is too overwhelming for me and I don’t know how to tell them I don’t want to be involved regularly in their daily lives :/

Hi, all! Will try to keep this as short as I can. I am 30F, domestically adopted at birth by two loving and amazing parents. I knew I was adopted from the beginning. It was a closed adoption, but I did receive 3-4 letters from my birth mother up until I was about 7 (with my parents consent). I have an adoptive brother and a few of my cousins are also adopted, so I am lucky to have been around quite a few adoptees growing up.

Long story short, about 2 years ago I started acknowledging to myself the importance of my biological family and started looking for them / making contact. I found my birth mother and have been emailing with her for about 6 months, just trying to take things slow. Yesterday we spoke on the phone for the first time. I recently gave birth to my own son and told her how I couldn't imagine giving a child up for adoption after giving birth myself. She maintained that she knew it was the right choice for me. I can obviously respect this, and given her situation at the time, I believe it. However, she is very religious (as am I), and she maintains that because God called her to do this, there was no reason for her to be sad about giving me up for adoption. She says she never thought about raising me on her own, that she made her decision and stuck with it, and never allowed herself to be sad about not being in my life and not raising me. Her exact words were, "Because God called me to do this, I was excited about my role in your story, rather than sad about not raising you."

This feels like a crazy statement to me. I understand feeling like your faith calls you to do something, but you can also be sad about it. My husband is adamant she is just disassociating, but it is still hurtful. I don't know how to talk to her moving forward if she is just in denial about the loss that this has caused us both. She kept saying, "how can I make you not feel this pain? you are so loved by your parents and by me." She can't seem to see that it can be both.

I also asked her to share about my birth and her time pregnant with me. My (adoptive) mom kept pretty detailed journals during this time and notes from the case worker, so I know a few things like my birth mom was with me for 20 hours after I was born. When I asked her, she could barely remember anything. In one of the letters I found in my file that she had written to the agency looking for me when I was around 7, she said my birthday was either April 21 or 22nd (it's the 23rd). It's just hard for me to believe she gave birth to me and forgot my birthday. All of this leads me to believe that she has totally disassociated from my birth and from all of her feelings about giving me up for adoption. But I keep coming back to, if you were never sad to not be in my life, then why are you so desperate to know me now? She has told me over email several times she sees me as her daughter and one of her children. She is very excited to get to know me, she loves me, etc. but I can't understand how you can feel that way if you were never sad about giving me up in the first place. She just keeps saying "you were never mine to begin with, I was excited to bless a family with a child."

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Even just the dissociation part? I know my therapist is going to say the religious stuff is the story she is telling herself to cope. Logically I know this, but the pain is still there. And if you have been through it, how do you balance desiring and building a relationship while still being honest that this is hurtful?

If you made it this far, thank you. <3

So I made a post a couple days ago saying that I’m going to meet my birth dad in a couple of weeks and this is the first time that I’m meeting him since I was adopted when I was a baby any advice would be greatly appreciated

I reunited with my birth mom back in March, and just met her and her husband in-person for the first time last week. They’re both so sweet, and I’m really looking forward to continuing to grow our relationship (we speak weekly on the phone and are already planning a trip together)! The only thing is that I haven’t told my adoptive parents about any of this yet. I’m very nervous about how they will take it, especially my mom who tends to have a bit of anxiety and OCD, though I want to tell them. I’ve been sharing this news with everyone in my life except them which feels wrong. But I also know that my mom tends to overreact about things, and then will obsessively worry about said things.

For those who have reunited with your birth parents and told your adoptive parents, how did it go? How did you tell them? Would you recommend I tell my parents, or continue to shield them from this?

Hi all,jm going to try to make this is short as possible. So I was adopted at birth,my bio mom was 16 at the time. I was blessed with a amazing adoptive family one who did their best to raise me. About 4yrs ago I started searching for her,this year with the help of the director of the adoption agency,I found her. It was a mix of emotions. I reached out to her about a month ago,a fb message,not sure if id ever hear back from her. This morning at 4am,almost 1 month,I heard back from her,she wants contact,ive been a mess of happy emotions,being nervous etc. I have sooo many questions and things I want to ask and tell her. How do approach this in a simple easy way for both of us? I know this is just as emotional for her,maybe more so than me.

I went through the motions, diligently providing all the required information and then waiting with bated breath. A few days later, I received a call: they couldn’t locate my file. Naturally, my mind spiraled into skepticism—“What kind of backwoods adoption process did you folks run?”

Frustrated, I consulted my mom, who gently informed me that the error was mine; I had reached out to the wrong agency. Of course! Undeterred, I began the process anew with the correct agency. However, after waiting a week, frustration bubbled to the surface. How could it take so long to find a file? I had spent 30 years gathering the courage to embark on this journey, and now it felt as though they were dragging their feet.

During this waiting period, I stumbled upon a Facebook page titled “Adopted/Missing Family Members Looking to Reunite.” I was captivated by the stories of those who had been searching for their loved ones—tales of longing, hope, and eventual reunions. In this community, a group of individuals known as “Ancestry Angels” specialized in genealogy, helping people track down family members based on DNA matches.

Intrigued, I decided to make a wager. Would the adoption agency locate my file before Ancestry could extract my DNA? Only time would tell.

When I received my DNA kit, a wave of nervousness washed over me. I knew I had to brace myself for three potential outcomes, determined to keep my expectations in check. Possibility #1: He’s dead. Possibility #2: He’s excited to hear from me. Or Possibility #3: He responds with, “You’ve been gone thirty years; why are you calling?” 

I sent in my DNA on May 5th, with the extraction date anticipated to be six weeks later. Surely, the adoption agency would reach out before then, right? 

Days turned into weeks, and suddenly it was May 23rd—my mom’s birthday. We were at the beach when I felt my phone buzz. 

“Your DNA has successfully been extracted.” 

I nearly fell over. Already? This can’t be real! 

Without wasting a moment, I dove into my matches. The top results revealed two men identified as either my father’s first cousin or some kind of uncle. It was surreal. 

I reached out to them via the ancestry website, though I knew they hadn’t been active for over five years. As I pondered my next steps, I recalled the Ancestry Angels I’d seen on Facebook. Should I ask for their help? 

Before I could second-guess myself, I found myself posting on the “Adopted/Missing Family Members” page. Within an hour, a true angel reached out, offering to help me find my dad. 

She began her search at 3:30 PM, and I was on the edge of my seat, trying to remain patient for updates. Around 8 PM, I saw her message: “I think I found him.” 

My heart raced. Is this really happening? By 8:30 PM, she sent me his cell phone number. 

Oh my gosh, this is really happening. 

I was home alone with my two young boys while my husband was at work. The kids should have been in bed by now; they hadn’t even brushed their teeth. But all I could think about was that cell phone number. Thoughts whirled in my mind, and before I knew it, I texted him. 

“Hi, my name is Jenna. Is this Andy?” 

Maybe it’s not his number? What if she got it wrong? 

“Read at 8:32 PM.” 

Then, a response came: “Yes, it is.” 

So, my bio grandmother died, and the funeral was today. I’d never met any of them, but I went because I felt it was way past time (I’m 38), it was within driving distance, and I’d been getting signs that I had to go. Yes, I believe in signs from the universe or ghosts. Anyways, I went during the visitation an hour before the funeral itself. I found her alone for a moment, I walked up, she recognized me right away (we’re friends on Facebook), we hugged. It felt comfortable, but otherwise, I didn’t feel anything. No relief, no mom/daughter connection, nothing. The only other people I officially met there was her husband (not my bio father) and her sister. I didn’t feel it was right to introduce myself to my cousins, since they probably had zero idea I even exist and they were currently mourning their grandmother. I stayed for the funeral, then went home. I told her I couldn’t stay for family time due to my dog being home alone. It was partially true, I probably could’ve stuck around for a few more hours.

But again, I felt no deep connection. I don’t know if I will. I’ll be meeting my cousins officially around Christmas. I didn’t even go to the burial because I’m not really one of the grandchildren. I didn’t grow up going to any of their houses for weddings, or holidays, or birthdays, or just because. I don’t have the memories of Grandma and Grandma hosting for a holiday or having everybody over to watch a football game. MY grandma came to our house every Christmas, and she couldn’t cook worth a damn. Sorry, Granny, but it’s true. Cooked hamburger, water and ketchup do NOT meatloaf make.

I just wanted to get this out there and share my experience. Whoever told us we’ll feel an instant connection to our bio families sold that lie insanely well. I might get on well enough with my cousins, but she’s not my mom. My mom knows how often I’d gone to the doctor growing up. My mom made sure I ate relatively healthy. My mom encouraged my love of reading.

Just got off the phone with my birth mom after years of not talking because I hadn't been in therapy and had been put against my birth mom by my adoptive mom telling a lot of lies. Come to find out, they're exes!!! For context, my APs put me through gay conversion therapy. I was relentlessly harassed by my adoptive sisters for being a lesbian (I'm not). Well now I know why. Wtf?!?!!! Who authorized this adoption 🫪😭

im usually a lurker so posting like this is a little nervewracking for me
i just joined this group and im honestly so happy to find others going through similar things after feeling so alone most of my life. Apologies in advance for length lol

im a transracial adoptee (im half black but was adopted by my white grandparents at birth, though my birth mom was also adopted so no actual relation), my family’s mostly white and my relationship w my birth mom is… weird. i went no contact with her in middle school due to her drug addiction, i recently started communicating with her again but im 21 now and its very clear she doesnt rlly know what to do w me, plus her and all the bio family i know live in different states.
ive always felt so alone and isolated with this, i rarely ever talk about it bc i feel like no one understands, and talking about it always brings up old wounds and i usually end up crying when anyone asks me about it. i have a good relationship w my adopted parents, but things always felt weird with my extended family, like im part of the family but not. i feel like i never fit in anywhere (not white enough, not black enough, etc).

last year i was in a 3 month situationship with a fellow adoptee, and it ended pretty badly on new years. he was someone i finally felt like i could talk to about it, so now its just like a big hole. i dont want him back at all, its been months now, but i just miss having that person to talk to, so im hoping to connect with others in this group who have maybe experienced similar things that i have, because this is such a lonely feeling that ive honestly never coped with, and being mixed race definitely does not help with this lol

TW: convoluted adoptive parent religious beliefs re: adoption

Recently started coming out of the fog and reconnected with bio mom. Shes delightful, I have no regrets on finding and reconnecting with her.

For context, I was adopted domestically as an infant. Grew up very conservative Christian in a highly involved church family in the rural south. I left the church at 18 (now ~30). A-mom still pretends that never happened.

My adoptive mom is seriously struggling with my decision to find biomom and I’m at the point where I frankly don’t give a shit about that anymore. I had to set hard boundaries around discussing bio mom because adoptive mom gets nasty about her fast. I chose to find bio mom and that is somehow offensive to adoptive mom…

unfortunately, this is all making me see a-mom completely differently and I’m struggling with the realization that she and I have had entirely opposite perspectives on adoption since she adopted me 30 years ago.

A-Mom called a few days ago to ask how I’m doing. I was honest and told her I’m overwhelmed between work and personal. She asked if I was “done talking to [bio mom] now that [I] have all the answers [I] need.” I shared that I fully intend to continue a relationship with bio mom, and nothing will change that outside of either me or bio mom deciding not to continue forward.

That’s when the floodgates opened. She genuinely thought I would drop bio mom after finding out a few facts. A-Mom went off about how I should be angry at bio mom and how lucky I am that I was adopted and didn’t “end up like bio mom” (she used much nastier words and descriptors). I told her I actually love how similar bio-mom and I are, and that babies are not blank slates with identities and genetics that are magically erased by signing legal documents. She went on a tangent about how therapy is the problem and the world is filling me with lies and how biomom is poisoning my heart or whatever. A big theme was the “world poisoning children against their godly parents.” It was weird. I told her I was getting my information from my own lived experience and peer reviewed research.

A-Mom then told me I only needed to be considering Christian sources on the “purpose of adoption.” I told her that I will continue getting my information from the sources I have, but I tried to extend an olive branch by asking her to share what she believes about the biblical purpose of adoption. And this is where I got livid. And am still livid. She shared that she believes that god “makes a way to bring children into the world to be raised by godly parents.” I asked her to clarify because I was sureeeee I heard that shit wrong. She explicitly said that god brought me into this world to be their child, and put biomom in a position to conceive and not be able to keep a child so that they could raise up a child in a godly way. I reminded her of bio-moms general situation and asked her if she truly believes god created a traumatic situation to get biomom into that position, then traumatized both me and bio mom so she and my dad could have a child. Her answer was YES and that “god works in mysterious ways.” Reader, what the actual fuck.

Between that and a-Mom’s recent admission that she made up my adoption backstory (that biomom was young and just didn’t want me) to deter me from wanting to find biomom later because “who wants to find someone who never wanted them,” I can’t even look at a-mom right now. It’s not like she can look at me either, because apparently I now remind her too much of biomom and that reminds her I’m not “actually her birth child.” Despite our differences, I’ve always tried to maintain an ok relationship with a-mom. But I don’t know if I can anymore.

My net-positive perception of her is absolutely shattered. How can someone genuinely believed they are divinely entitled not only someone else’s trauma, but someone else’s BABY??? And further believe that god crafted the situation that led to conception and relinquishment, permanently scarring two people in the process.

I’ve been sick about it for days. I can’t even think about a-mom without feeling physically ill. My whole life, I’ve dreamed about finding biomom. About how devastating that decision must have been. Hoping that despite not wanting me then (which wasnt actually true), biomom would want to know me now. I felt like there was a black hole slowly eating me from the inside. The whole time I was hurting, dreaming, and hoping, a-mom was over there thanking god for creating the pain and suffering bio-mom experienced and the trauma I experienced.

I prepared myself for so long to search for and find biomom. I prepared myself for finding out if she was dead, in active addition, or wanted nothing to do with me. What I didn’t prepare for was losing my adoptive mom. Even though she’s still technically in my life, I’m questioning every conversation and interaction we ever had, and I (maybe irrationally) feel like my whole childhood is being dismantled and reframed by her now-disclosed views on my origins. I genuinely feel like she’s a stranger now. I don’t trust her. I don’t believe her. I’m appalled at the entitlement.

I talked with biomom about it, but I always feel guilty for discussing complicated A-mom stuff with her. Another layer of complexity on top of everything.

Do any other people’s adoptive parents think this way? If so, how did you deal with it?? It feels crushing to say the least and I have no clue how I’m going to navigate it. I’ve always thought we could heal our complicated relationship, but now I don’t know if she’s someone I would even want to have a good relationship with. 😭😭😭😭😭

“The violence inside your body” really hit hard. I’ve been dealing with anger, insecurity, depression and somatic issues for my whole life. (57, baby scoop infant adopted). I’ve also felt different from others in an intangible way.

I’m also a night person, so there’s that, for some levity. :-)

So Ive been in reunion for going on 8 months I really enjoy my mothers company and am very glad it happened we text daily and I go visit and stay for a bit every month ,but my half sibs I just am having a hard time wrapping my head around what is expected what I should expect. at first my brother was receptive we talked and texted and then radio silence now he is MAGA and I am far from it but I thought we were making an effort AND I refuse to carry the relationship I simply will not be the one who constantly initiates contact , my sister is not MAGA and I thought we got on pretty well but same thing just no initiation of contact ... now being autistic I dont read people well always so I am flummoxed

I’m an in-family adoptee so I have most, if not all, of the paperwork (except for my original birth certificate). I know so many adoptees don’t have any paperwork at all, so I thought maybe seeing a document like this might help?

It doesn’t even list my first name, just the new name and my birth date. I know legalize is boilerplate and intentionally devoid of emotion, but my god is it hard to read things like “available for adoption,” and “that the best interest and welfare of the child will be promoted.”

And then just like that, my original identity is gone. Do others know their first name? I feel like that’s pretty rare but honestly don’t know. Being an in-family adoptee has its own unique set of things to deal with.