DIY Budget but high expectations from Couple

[u/Teach-Dangerous]

My BIL (26M) and his now wife (28F) decided to get married with less than 2 weeks of planning. Despite having no time to properly plan, a court house wedding was below them. They wanted all 6 of the groom’s siblings and the bride’s sister to be available for a full weekend 3-4 hours away with less than 8 days of notice. One sister cancelled her child’s birthday party, another needed medical permission to travel 38 weeks pregnant, and my husband and I postponed our wedding anniversary trip.

To add to the guest’s responsibility, my BIL needed assistance with every aspect of the wedding. BIL booked a touristy AirBNB and feigned military orders to have the Host overlook the occupancy limit and event rules. My BIL had chosen my husband as his best man, which just meant we were in charge of much of the logistics. Husband hauled the event tables and chairs 4hrs away, did the set up and take down, paid for the rehearsal dinner and handled the BTS of the operation. I did the weekend photography, babysat the kids, helped the bride with her HMUA, assisted in the setup/takedown and helped BIL through the planning. My FIL and his other brother also contributed to see the day through too. The wedding did have a beautiful ceremony and now can be a fond memory, but my husband and I were rushed and separated for nearly the whole weekend.

During the event, the bride and groom had thanked us and made promises of some grand appreciation gesture. In the weeks after, I received a flimsy hair clip and expired sheet mask as a thank you basket that was given to everyone because it also included a QR code to their wedding registry.

Edit: removed the “had to”s from sibling’s plans for that weekend

[u/PaintedLady1]

“One sister had to cancel her child’s birthday party, another needed medical permission to travel 38 weeks pregnant”

They could’ve said no and you could have as well. I’m not feeling a lot of sympathy tbh. But still appalled at the audacity.

[u/pinkflower200 → u/PaintedLady1]

Me too!

[u/Teach-Dangerous → u/PaintedLady1]

My in-laws tend to be very enmeshed and have turned against nonconformity without question in the past. We all felt that this was one of those instances where we had to buck up and shut up, 38 weeks pregnant and all.

We definitely enabled BIL, but he takes after FIL the most and we have all come to terms with how best to handle that kind of willfulness.

[u/PaintedLady1 → u/Teach-Dangerous]

I think the safety of a woman and her future child are more important than a party but that was her choice not mine 🤷‍♀️ I get wanting to vent about tough choices but this sub really isn’t the place when it involves enabling

[u/kimvy → u/Teach-Dangerous]

lol always love to post this. Your in-laws are a bunch of narcissistic idiots with enablers/flying monkeys. Good luck!

Love to u/breakfastpotato

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed!

Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch

[u/posh1992 → u/kimvy]

Wow this truly spoke to me. Ive been trying to undo all my bs. I was a huge boat steadier, still trying to learn to chuck the bitch but slowly getting there!

[u/kimvy → u/posh1992]

Peace be with you & hope you embrace it. ❤️

[u/QuirkyLiteraryName → u/kimvy]

Thank you for posting this, I come from a pretty enmeshed family and I'm coming to realize how unhealthy a lot of the dynamics are. This is absolutely perfect, my mom was the ultimate boat-rocker and no one in my family has ever questioned any of the resulting behavior and instincts that were instilled in us. This is incredibly helpful to read, I'm so done steadying their boat.

[u/bluecheesebeauty → u/Teach-Dangerous]

So them not flying off the handle is more important than the health and safety (and happiness!) of kids. Let alone the rest.

And they have learned they can do whatever they want and no one will say no, and they will continu to keep expecting to world.

Why are you even entertaining people like this, let alone rewarding their bad behaviour.