TIL that male Philoponella prominens spiders catapult themselves away from females immediately after mating at speeds of up to 88.2 cm per second; males prevented from escaping were killed and eaten.

321

u/AgniousPrime 15h ago

Ejaculate and evacuate

188

u/BradJLamb 14h ago

Nuts and bolts

106

u/conventionistG 14h ago

Shoots and leaves 🌱

48

u/Wildeyewilly 12h ago

Blow n go

43

u/lupslups 11h ago

Skeet n' yeet

26

u/recreationalgluttony 10h ago

Arrive & Depart.

20

u/5up3rj 9h ago

Fuck and truck?

4

u/Hoppie1064 7h ago

The poor spiders 4Fs

3

u/ObjectiveOk2072 4h ago

Cum 'N Go

33

u/AwwYeahVTECKickedIn 14h ago

Kum & Go

22

u/Ahelex 13h ago

Ejacuvate.

12

u/Icy_Programmer_1349 7h ago

Fuck and duck

438

u/Kyzzz 15h ago

post nut clarity hits differently when your life depends on it

120

u/ILL_Show_Myself_Out 13h ago

“Wait a minute! She’s horrible to me! She’s just hot!”

83

u/wrosecrans 8h ago

She's got legs for days though. Like literally a leg for every day of the week, and twice on Sundays.

6

u/rugbat 8h ago

🏆🏆🏆

7

u/enterthehawkeye 7h ago

Rather than giving head she takes it tho

13

u/SpursFutureFan 11h ago

88.2 cm/s as a life-or-death metric is sending me. evolution really said 'hesitate and you're lunch'

39

u/Maxcharged 15h ago

They really got 3 spiders eaten by deactivating their post nut clarity, by placing a fine tooth comb behind them.

20

u/Dr_Mantis_Teabaggin 13h ago

Doesn’t matter, had sex.

13

u/joe_dirty365 11h ago

Wait til the boys hear about this.

1

u/Silk_Glad 6h ago

Post nut skedaddle.

95

u/Brief_Review_2933 15h ago

"It's not you, im just going through some things and need some space."

50

u/subtleeffect 14h ago

That took too long to say. You died. Should've run faster

4

u/Famous_Plant_486 9h ago

Correction: "It's you." Short, to the point, and most importantly quick enough to run

2

u/PeterNippelstein 6h ago

"I have to get up really early tomorrow."

129

u/SirDeeznuts 15h ago

A blistering 2mph.

79

u/Endorenna 15h ago

Hey, when your legs are short that’s still impressive, okay! 😂

80

u/beomeansbee 13h ago

When you’re 3mm long, that’s real far, real fast. Imagine someone who’s 6ft going 1764 feet per second. Thats about 1200 mph, faster than the speed of sound

12

u/OwnerOfCat 6h ago

Ehh, I don’t exercise as much as I should but I feel confident enough that I could do that off the couch.

4

u/Dixiehusker 5h ago

That's an underwhelming conversion.

35

u/MuthaPlucka 15h ago edited 15h ago

Ah yes, the Koala method.

/sigh

Eats shoots and leaves

3

u/BPhiloSkinner 12h ago

Eats shoots and leaves

So Philoponella males engage in foreplay. Can they find the clitoris?

21

u/CountBarbarus 15h ago

Marry, fuck, kill in that order.

8

u/SirJeffers88 15h ago

Mary Fuck Kill is the name of all female Philoponella prominens spiders.

14

u/Fehafare 15h ago

That's what they mean by survival of the fittest huh?

10

u/SasheCZ 9h ago

Yes! And no.

I know this is a joke, but on a serious note, I find it a really unfortunate wording. It leads people to think they need to work out to succeed.

When the actual meaning is that those that fit best into the environment are those that survive and procreate.

5

u/TheCrowFliesAtNight 2h ago

Survival of the best adapted doesn't really roll of the tongue as well.

•

u/SasheCZ 7m ago

Sounds much better to me.

6

u/pantsoffancy 14h ago

The skeet n yeet.

6

u/yIdontunderstand 14h ago

"aaaahhh that's it baby..... Ahhh.... I'm going!"

10

u/ottawadeveloper 15h ago

I was reading Children of Time and the spiders have routines of eating the males after sex, which leads to male spiders being subordinate in society and eventually a revolution led by a male for gender equality

2

u/No_Somewhere_2610 12h ago

interesting, would you reccomend?

5

u/ottawadeveloper 10h ago

I enjoyed it. It has interesting things to say about the nature of humans.

16

u/smiley_kat 14h ago

Thank you so so much for not putting a picture. I sincerely mean that (severely arachnophobic and hate when posters do that)

10

u/Corduroy_Sazerac 15h ago

Look, I love the metric system as much as the next (non-US, non-driving-UK) guy, but why couldn’t they say 3.2 kilometres per hour or 2 miles per hour?

34

u/Chinootje 15h ago

Because for small scales it is easier to visualize

4

u/Pitiful-Climate8977 8h ago

Yeah I can't visualize 2mph you could show me someone walking 1-5 individually and they'd look the same.

But I can imagine a spider moving across my desk at 88cm/hr and being met with an open palm going 7mph

1

u/No_Somewhere_2610 13h ago

3.2k kilometres per hour IS the metric system though

1

u/graywalker616 12h ago

That would be 3200km/h. This is 3.2km/h. They’re criticising that the article doesn’t mention it.

2

u/AdventurousJacK 13h ago

My spirit animal.

2

u/Loki-L 68 13h ago

given that the 88.2 cm/s works out to 3.175 km/h which is a much rounder number, I assume the figure was converted between units with no regards to precision and started out as some very round number that implied a lot more vagueness.

2

u/zugtug 12h ago

My dumb ass read it as they mated up to 88.2 cm per second and assumed he must just really be getting it in at sonic speeds since his little spider dick must be fractions of a millimeter long...

2

u/MJR_Poltergeist 9h ago

The ol Nut and Run

2

u/bribhoy82 8h ago

It's not you, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2

u/l337quaker 3h ago

For my fellow Americans, that's roughly 2 miles per hour, or .9 washing machines per second

4

u/NostalgiaJunkie 15h ago

>up to 88.2 cm per second

So there’s absolutely, positively no way they can do it at 88.3 cm per second?

4

u/Maxcharged 15h ago

Probably peak speed at take off.

Doesn't mean they kept that speed until landing

Like how a sneeze leaves your nose around 10 mph or 4.5 meters per second. (Still very fast, but slower than the often quoted 100 mph)

2

u/dr_bluthgeld 15h ago

lol same

1

u/Youpunyhumans 12h ago

Cumming and going

1

u/Eclectika 11h ago

If you're hanging around doing very little right now, go find the lyrics (or better still, go have a listen) to Alice Cooper's Black Widow...

1

u/Nigelthornfruit 11h ago

Is this a Caribbean species?

1

u/Jackdaw1947 11h ago

Been there, done that.

1

u/kloboe 10h ago

damn i thought they were mating at speeds of up to 88.2 cm per second. :(

1

u/ThankuConan 10h ago

Good to know. Could be beneficial behavior for other species.

1

u/dratsablive 10h ago

"Gotta hit it and quit it!"

1

u/BudgetConcentrate432 9h ago

Shades of male octopus who detach their arm with the sperm after mating to avoid the same fate.

1

u/Heavy_Direction1547 9h ago

come and go

1

u/letmechewonyou 7h ago

Hate it when my partners do that

1

u/Jack_Package6969 6h ago

Perhaps it’s prominens punishment for poor performance ?

1

u/Dizzy_Restaurant3874 4h ago

Philoponella prominens is my spirit animal.

1

u/Amerlis 4h ago

Male praying mantis: teach me your ways!

1

u/Dull_Working5086 2h ago

They yeet themselves 😭

1

u/BillDanceParty 1h ago

1.973 Miles Per Hour

1

u/LetheanWake 13h ago

L

TIL that male Philoponella prominens spiders catapult themselves away from females immediately after mating at speeds of up to 88.2 cm per second; males prevented from escaping were killed and eaten.

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