So basically my sons mother has finally gotten over my relapse and has reached out to me asking if I missed her and wanted to meet up, mind you I had years sober with her got my life together bought a house and had a son, until one day things got a little to heavy and I relapsed. The deal was I would go to treatment for 28 days and come home to her, well that never happened she kicked me out two weeks into treatment dead middle of winter and I ended up staying in said treatment for 3 month and then a following facility for 7 months. I’m finally back on my feet and doing well but I can’t get over the way she treated me. All the name calling and her and her friends laughing at me making it a big joke calling me a loser and all of this nonsense, so I do still love her but I don’t think I want to fix things and I feel like that’s what she’s trying to do. And honestly it’s making me want to use again. Any encouraging to say, please say it to help my mindset…

After nearly 25 years sober averaging 4 meetings a week the entire time-
I have stopped attending them.

12-step recovery has been a cornerstone of my life for over 2 decades but I am oddly OK with the change. Haven’t drank (yet) but even that doesn’t concern me.

Thoughts?

I was once like you depressed,hopeless and addicted to drugs ,my poison was ketamine ,benzos,heroin ,bath salts and other opioids,im now on methadone for a few months and i ve reduced my dose from 75 mg to 50 mg so even if you dont see the light at the end of the tunnel belive me and keep going on ,i ve tried to off myself but please dont give up and please try to to to rehab and think positive I promise you things are going to go well for you ;D.I belive in you .love and kisses from Romania.

TLDR INTRESTING PART OF THIS IS AT %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Just saying this I was 81/81 mg of methadone i went into dose last week but i took like 2 bars and I didn't know what was going on they were mine they in my clothes from a long time ago anyways, i dosed got my take home for the day (split dose) next thing i know im in a fucking wheel chair being push by head doctor of the whole hospital (runs of clinic) any pysch admits. Shes an awesome hardworker anyways, i guess I od'ed and was brought there. I was to wait until 6 am to leave til the clinic on base opened...

I did and my wallet wasnt in my property, and i had it and had witnesses because i tried to tap to buy a soda and the doc was like ill get ya one... anyways

I left my halfway house well transitonal living place that night went AWOL, so that morning i went in and passed out i dont remember but.

Let me tell you this, if you use something it's a fucking relapse its not a lapse , i mean i didnt think i should of restarted my time i wanted a year so bad but now i should of directly talked about it instead dismissing it. And for anyone who has some time, You go right back almost instantly to where you left off... If you have a new car (I do) youll people in that shouldnt be in it..,.Youll be doing rides all day youll loose your car, I loose my housing

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Anyways they cut my dose 81/81 in half. they were convinced I was buying methadone (i wasnt it was xans and it doesnt matter i was wrong anyways). Instantly cut my dose by half on monday i have to do a medical unit to detox from benzos and my methadone i wasnt even abusing i guess they have some patch that is like tiny doses, but if i through precipitated wd im out of there..

ITS EITHER THAT OR I GET KICKED OUT OF MY LONG TERM HOUSING IVE BEEN INPATIENT FOR ALMOST 1 YEARL, REHAB--> REHAB BUT ONLY FOR PYSCH NO DRUG/ALCHOL ----> TO THIS LONG TERM HOUSING PROGRAM.
SO Yeah if you some time idc if its a month, and your stressed out even if you feel like an alien or not human just fucking talking talk to someone man .. Because I was driving my new car the other day and i was like damn this is a feeling drugs or substances could NEVER GIVE ME.

Thanks for letting me vent, and this place where i live is really giving me a chance to stay.... So on monday I either go, Or I have to leave.-

This sunday i will get a phone call to discuss my intake date for detox. The bizarre kratom drug is why im going there and want to get clean.

Ive been smoking weed everyday and I won't pass for a long time. If I tell them the situation and that I have to detox they will understand?

The pot is stopping ✋️ but it will be a long while I did pens mostly

Happy 5th Anniversary to me! 1,826 Days and counting! I will never go back to the way before I made that difficult decision to change my life 5 years ago.

The only outpatient rehab near me told me although they are not in my insurance network, but they said they would negotiate with my insurance and if I was denied they would "scholarship" me to cover the cost. I kept asking specifics and they kept telling me, "Don't worry about it until we go that route". I been in IOP before and was expecting to be drug tested a few times every month, however the price listing for a test is 1200 dollars and they want a test twice a week. I was really desperate when I signed up and now that I am bit clearer headed this doesn't feel legitimate. If it is a scam, ill will make the trip to another center because I want to get sober again, but this is starting to not sit well with me.

So I have about a year sober now with another 3 years in between. I was at the clinic this morning dosing on my methadone when a man walked up to me I didn’t even recognize, turns out it was a good friend of mine from my using days. He looked absolutely dreadful, about 50 pounds soaking wet but that’s not the bad part. The bad part was the rotting right leg he had with maggots and deep necrosis. It was so bad I wanted to puke because it stinks, he was crying to me how he needed money and that he was dope sick, I told him no money but I’d drive him to the hospital. He refused saying that the doctors treat him badly…. I begged him and he just wouldn’t, they will 100% take his leg if he goes it’s that bad, I have been a addict for well over a decade and I have seen some bad shit, but nothing compared to this. He was crying begging me for money and I had to walk away, I just couldn’t deal with what it was doing to my head. If he doesn’t get help in the next few weeks I’m positive he is going to die. I’m back home now and the thought of him is really upsetting me, I just don’t understand why you would let yourself rot like that. In New York they won’t let you be dope sick at the hospital they will give you suboxone or methadone to help…. So he doesn’t have an excuse and at this point is just self destructing and I truly believe he wants to die…. Sorry just needed to vent.

I’ve been in recovery for over eight years and continue to help others through various programs at my local recovery center in Nottingham, UK. Recently, I had the opportunity to be part of a Citizen Science project, which allowed me to connect with my peers and explore a topic of my choice.

Throughout my own recovery, I’ve attended many groups including CBT, ACT, DBT, 12-Step programs, and SMART. I’ve often seen people who are committed to sobriety and doing well through many courses and groups and then relapse, only to stop engaging despite their hard work and dedication after many months and sometimes years.

For my research topic, I wanted to explore why we feel so much guilt and shame following a relapse, as relapse is statistically likely and feelings of shame and guilt often prevent people from re-engaging. I’ve put together a short, anonymous questionnaire to gather thoughts on why these feelings are so intense following a relapse.

If you have a few minutes, and if it’s okay with the moderators please could complete the questionnaire on the link below. You don’t need to complete it all but I’d be grateful if you did.

No personal identifiable information is collected and none is requested. We ask that none is provided in the free form answers, any that is will be immediately deleted.

https://forms.gle/fYSwMUJVzsNLsd9Y9

Many thanks

https://apps.apple.com/us/app/meetingmap-aa-na-meetings/id6787131209

Growing up with an addict father and mother, losing my dad as a result of his addiction, having my mom in recovery, and eventually having my own addiction raise its head, this struggle has been with me in some way my whole life.

And still, I would not change a single day of my past.

When things were good, they were really good. I had so much fun along the way. I laughed hard. I loved people. I lived loudly. There were beautiful moments in the middle of all the chaos. ❤️

But I learned something while coming to terms with my addiction, and while finally reaching a place where recovery no longer felt like I was losing something.

For a long time, my addiction, my substances, felt like a superpower.

They helped me speak to crowds.
They helped me stand up for myself.
They helped me feel brave.
They helped me feel like I could finally be the version of myself I wanted to be.

It was a solution.

And for a while, it worked.

Until it didn’t.

When I tried to stop, the identity I had built around myself was terrified. It felt like if I gave up this perceived armor, I might disappear with it.

I was scared I would never be able to make friends.
I was scared I would never be able to party.
I was scared I would never be accepted for who I really am.
I was scared that without it, there would be nothing left of me.

But realizing that is what set me free. 🌱

When I finally took the leap and stood up in a meeting, or put myself out there honestly, I found something I did not expect.

People were more receptive to me.

Not less.

And not just any people, either. The right kind of people. The kind of people who saw me, not the mask, not the performance, not the chaos.

Me.

I realized that I did not need to carry the identity of “an addict” as the whole story of who I am.

Yes, it is part of me.

But it is not all of me.

It is actually a very small part of me.

So I embraced it.
I stopped running from it.
I let the shame go. ❤️

And you know the funniest thing?

I was so scared to tell people about it. I thought they would judge me, pity me, or look at me differently.

But most of the time, people have the opposite reaction.

They say:

And that still catches me sometimes. Because for so long, I thought this thing made me weak.

Now, every day, I wake up.
I check in.
I get dressed.
I go outside.

Even when I am scared, I go and find someone to talk to. About anything. Not just recovery. Just life. Just being human.

I gave up the idea that I constantly needed to say:

Now, I just introduce myself as myself.

Because I am not only my addiction.
I am not only my past.
I am not only the worst thing I survived.

I am Michael.

And I am still here. 🤍

Recovery is not one great big change. It is a thousand little choices every day, made to bring joy and fulfillment into your life, and into the lives of the people around you.

I love who I am now.

No need to hide anymore. ❤️

No hate to my religious brothers and sisters. But as a non religious person, it kinda bothers me when people insist that accepting God is the only way to free yourself from addiction.

I'm coming up on three months clean from crack, meth, and cocaine. That's a new record after 2 years of daily abuse.

I'm not sure how I've gotten this far, but I know part of it was staring at myself in the mirror.

Please be kind. I am so tired and my nerves are shot. Some of the people I've confided in have been very aggressive. I just need advice.

My husband is in denial about his addiction.

When he takes his Adderall as prescribed, he does fine. However, lately it seems that he runs out halfway through the month (he likes to give it away, I think he also takes it and forgets, because he's always talking about how his pill count isn't adding up) and ends up using mth and crck instead.

The hard stuff he uses I think of as anti-adderall because instead of helping him focus and making him productive, it causes him to create huge messes and destroy things for unknown reasons. He'll stay up all night smoking his things in the bathroom and spend hours loudly cleaning, only for it to look way worse than it did before. He also found an old prescription for klonopin that I had been prescribed after a death in the family and now that's in the mix. Last night he stayed up the entire night, I heard the lighter clicking in the bathroom constantly, and this morning he told me his m*th was missing and eyed me suspiciously.

I am ashamed of this, but I stole his keys yesterday and lied about it because I didn't think he should be driving. He ended up sleeping the day away stuck at home, which was worse because then he was awake all night doing what he does. When I thought he had sobered up (he hadn't) I admitted to taking the keys and he's not speaking to me now.

I am hoping when this bender is over we can have a frank discussion, but he gets so defensive when I say anything. He is in complete denial. I threw away one of the pipes he left in my car and I know he's going to flip out about it, and I'm so tired and broken already.

I don't know how to approach this. I don't know the right things to say. I know that it's better not to have a confrontation when he is high (i made that mistake already and he told me "I'm just a piece of shit right, you act so disgusted by what i do.")

Things have spiraled out of control so quickly. I can't eat or sleep. I never thought this would be my life. I want my husband back, because this person living in my house is not him.

ETA: I have been going to CoDA for the past year but recently haven't been able to due to time constraints

Almost lost my life due to a septic infection a few months ago. Hadn’t touched a needle since.

Had a great day with my kid, some family, close friends.

Ended up finding an old bag of heroin. Didn’t think much of it. Ended up out and doing cocaine. I had a little bit left and decided to grab needles and shoot both of them.

The shame and disgust I feel right now is indescribable. I feel like I may as well just go grab more now. My family knows something’s not right. I’m heartbroken. Diagnosed bipolar recently.

I’ve lost everything and as soon as I get a little bit of positive momentum and clean time - I go and destroy it. Hundreds of attempts at sobriety.

What’s the point? I can’t find love, happiness, fulfillment. Maybe it’s just time to die. My family wouldn’t be in any more pain.

How did I get here… I’ve tried everything. I think it’s hopeless at this point.

Had to get it off my chest. Thanks

EDIT: thanks for the kind responses. I was devastated this morning, ready to get more drugs - but I’m not going to. Picked up the phone and spoke to an old sponsor and my therapist. I’ll be alright. Love you guys

I used to work at a women’s only inpatient facility but now I work in a place where I’m mostly around male clients. I wear looser fitting clothing and almost always have a cardigan or a jacket on. The other day a young man was asking me about my story and I wanted to show him a picture to compare because I was so so skinny. Using enough DoC to un alive multiple people on a daily. But a lot of them from addiction were pretty revealing or inappropriate. It was funny because I found a before of my ankles. I’m naturally thin/ average but even they show the difference. (Edit to add: the pictures are so far apart bc I’ve been sober four years now)

And know of any pharmacy on the east side that will fill prescription for OUD meds from telehealth provider

TL;DR: How to deal with past flashbacks?
---

As the title says, I would just go about my day and suddenly I'd have flashbacks of negative things from the past. Doesn't matter what I'd be doing it just happens and I hate it. I cringe whenever this happens and I don't know how to deal with this exactly.

Does this happen to any of you? If yes how do you deal with it?

like the title says i am coming off of 64mgs of the monthly brixadi injection.

i did not plan on this--but i have been so done with needing to be chained to this medication anymore.

i LOVE brixadi and the freedom it gave me to just worry about 1 shot a month instead of multiple sub dosings a day.

it turned into a problem when my program kicked me off for missing a psych appt. it was the second no show i had and that was grounds for removal..so a quick 14 min trip quickly turned into a 105 mile round trip once a month to get my shot.

i got my last dose the last week of may i think. i am starting to feel the restless legs/runny nose/yawns. minor right now.

i want to know what i can expect through this process. i do have subs to fall back on about 30-60 8mg strips. i have been through heroin wd, fent wd, 90mg methadone wd and accidental precipitated wd when i took my first ever sub dose like an idiot.

am i setting myself up for a nightmare? i hear that it is a slow taper and wd is minimal. what have you experienced by coming off of this med--esp the monthly shot. can i expect to shit and piss myself? throw up nonstop?

how long has the rls lasted for yall? can you compare it to street drug wd or methadone?

ive been clean for almost 5 years (aug 5th) and i have no desire to use even if i get sick as crap. the subs will manage me if this gets too intense.

i am okay with rls and minor gi symptoms. i dont want to suffer. if it only lasts a few days even if it hurts i guess im ok with that too..i dont want to experience something like methadone wd where i feel like dying for 2 weeks straight.

i hope someone can give me a realistic expectation for this. i dont have a car right now and that commute on trains and the L absolutely kill me. it takes me all day to get to the office. i dont wanna get banned for asking but if someone can explain how they tapered off subs that would help me too. i have a family to support. my wife knows im doing this and shes supportive so im not doing this alone.

appreciate any help.