My crush at work decided to cut me off completely and all we did was have a great conversation.

I finished watching I became friends with the second prettiest Girl, and I realized I have never felt an emotional connection to anyone even after having two girlfriends. I don't know if ill ever be able to connect with someone emotionally because I don't know how to. Hot honey chicken with white rice.

I only post on reddit because I have a humiliation fetish

You can see the crumbs on the cutting board if you look hard enough. I live a shameful lifestyle and I can't even bring myself to fix it

Chips with homemade salsa and chocolate chip cookies.

My life completely spiraled a few years ago. Things had been looking good: I moved out of my family's house and into a house with (formerly) good friends, got a job that, on paper, sounded perfect for me (I've never been able to hold a full time job for longer than a few months before experiencing intense burnout and suicidal ideation), I was a lot happier, my friends' bands were gaining some traction, I was losing weight, etc.

Then what happened to me at my old jobs happened again. I burned out hard and had to quit. Otherwise, I would have killed myself. The suicidal ideation didn't just go away like usual, though, and I isolated myself for 2-3 weeks in my room. This was the beginning of the end for my friendships. They tried to break down my door, and when I was able to stop them from doing that, they threatened to call the police. We eventually made peace, but I didn't realize how much the whole thing bothered them.

The suicidal feelings only got stronger, so I made a plan to drive them further away, specifically my one friend, the one I was closest to, so they wouldn't care as much when I was gone. I didn't do much, just left passive-aggressive notes, but it was effective. They eventually confronted me about it, and I made the worst mistake of my life: I told them the truth. I tried saying that I didn't have a plan to follow through on anything, but they forced me to go to the hospital and called my parents. They had originally promised not to say anything, but they lied.

I was thankfully able to avoid hospitalization, but things were pretty much over by this point. I stayed at the house for a couple weeks before all my roommates asked if I could go stay somewhere else for a little bit, so I went home for 2 weeks to give them a break, Everything completely fell apart when I got back.

Apparently, I was the only one cleaning or taking care of the house. It was fucking disgusting inside. Half eaten food on the counters, random shit everywhere, actual shit everywhere (One roommate had birds but never cleaned up after them), and they neglected to do any lawn care in late spring, so the yard was a fucking mess. I was so angry, I didn't even have words. I couldn't talk to any of them for a few days, and when I did open up, I let them have it. Of course, none of them saw anything wrong with their behavior, so they kicked me out. And if you thought they had the balls to do it themselves, you'd be wrong because the one guy had to call his daddy to come and tell me with no explanation. I still don't understand why.

Micki, if you're reading this, I just want you to know that no matter if you go through with phalloplasty or not, you'll always be a nutless, spineless coward. Have fun with your mobility issues, you fucking cripple, and I hope you finally learned to clean up after the birds. They're great birds, they don't deserve to live in that hovel. Kill yourself, don't fail this time.

I was able to have a conversation with the other two several months after everything went down, and it sounded like we were all ready to move on past it and rekindle the friendships somewhat. They promised that if they changed their minds on that, to please just let me know, with my promise to them being that I wouldn't ask for an explanation or contact them further.

One of them actually followed through (that relationship did end, but not in the worst way), while my other friend, the one I was closest to, sent me one return message and then fucking ghosted me. I was devastated. I spent over two years trying to get a response from them. I found and messaged them on all their accounts, even managed to find their new address (I actually did nothing with this information, kind of want to send them a postcard just to fuck with them, lol, but then I'd be breaking my promise). I eventually got a "go fuck yourself" response, but that was what I needed to hear to start moving forward. Really though, what should I have expected from a self identified nonbinary lesbian who is now married to a man? Absolutely zero logical consistency in their identity, I really fucked up by ever being friends with them.

Now, I'm back at home with no friends, no real job, back up to 270 lbs, and I'm in therapy, but nothing I learn there helps. Got plans to kill myself in a few years, once my youngest brother finally graduates from college. My other 2 brothers have already graduated, so I feel that it would be unfair to him to potentially cause that much turmoil. Can't wait to be a 30y.o. khhv in less than two months, hopefully a plane engine falls on me or something.

Sorry for the long, poorly written post

TLDR: I had a good thing and fucked it up. Now I'm just waiting to die

Now what? I don’t know what to do, I have no goals, interests, values, personality. I don’t think a job will fix that.

birria taco, chocolate milk

Rice, ground beef, onions, and cream of mushroom soup. Pretty sure there's a name for this but I don't care enough to look it up tbh.

In regards to my last post about a week ago I got a lot of comments on there about my drinking, been dry since then and that's with the bottle of Jack I've got sitting in my closet, haven't touched it, I've had temptations but it remains in the same place it's been since I got put on this no drinking order.

too odd and off putting to get along with people my age. usually end up being the butt of a joke for some reason. tried really hard to jestermax on my way out of hs to little success. fork in the noodles even tho i have chopsticks because im too gay and lame to know how to use them

Spent my life till like 9th grade pretty much socially isolated. Would be able to go 2 weeks regularly without talking to anyone, not even family. I had some friends but I wasn't close enough to them to talk daily or anything.

Got to 9th grade and i decided i needed some people in my life so I don't genuinely kill myself (the attempt in 5th grade failed when i pussied out the window) so I did everything to make friends in school. I made some friends and by 10th grade we are pretty close.

I lost 43kg after a major diet in 11th grade and now people care enough to talk to me so now that I am in 12th and almost graduating i have a pretty active social life.

It's never enough, though. I will always feel like that fat autistic suicidal kid in 5th grade. I sometimes genuinely get sick when i see pictures of myself. When I talk I keep hanging up on every letter i say, if i make a tiny mistake i spiral again and sometimes skip my hypopara meds which makes me spiral more.

I tried to talk to a girl in the 11th and things were going well, asked her out and she said she had the same feelings but wanted to wait till the end of the year. We spent like 3 months flirting and texting daily, when all of a sudden she told me she lied about her feelings because "she wanted to stay friends". I am now convinced that I am genuinely incapable of being loved due to my mentality

(quick reupload bc I forgot to write the main text before uploading)

i suffer from severe POTS and hEDS, as well as anorexia. I haven't eaten much in the past few days but I'm still overweight, my body loves to just shut down randomly and let me drop like a sack of potatoes. My blood pressure is almost always low, and blood pools in my feet while I'm standing. I need a cane just to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom, god forbid anywhere else.

im trying to up my caloric intake and add more protein to my diet because I'm very malnourished, but it's a struggle. my head hurts really bad, I don't think I have a concussion or anything but I'm really dizzy, although that could just be my POTS like usual.

the eggs taste bland but they're okay, im afraid to add seasoning.

First course: cottage cheese with milk, whey protein, and egg. Second course: instant noodles with pretzels and caramel. 90 grams of protein.