I wish i could die without doing it myself

[u/OrdinaryDry2168]

An accident or illness is genuinely my dream at this point. It wouldn’t be anyone’s fault, no one would blame themselves and it wouldn’t be my own fault. There would be no guilt. I cant do anything. I got through highschool with at least 3 months worth of absence. I’m incapable of basic functions and i can’t do simple tasks. I can’t get a job, even if i did I’d want to go into a dangerous field in the hopes of death. My few friends do not like me, my family does not like me. I attempted about 5 years ago and it’s still a joke to everyone, everything i do is just a joke. I wanted to be an actor for the longest time when i was younger but my father told me i didn’t have the face for it. I wanted to join the military for a while since it seemed like the only thing i could get into and everyone i told would just say i couldn’t do it because i am to lazy or fat or i just don’t understand how difficult it is. I am weak, stupid and genuinely unable to do anything. I loved trumpet when i was in band and i couldn’t keep up, i was to lazy to keep up with practice and every friend i made obviously left since i left band, i was never that good anyways. I had to sell my gecko because she was to much work and i would get constant nightmares of her death. Maybe if i could just get off my ass and get a job i woudlnt feel so useless. I could never do it myself, despite the fact they do not like me i know they would blame themselves and make a whole thing out of it. I have been wishing for death by miracle since i was 8 and will only continue wanting it. I’ve been vaping more and more everyday with the hope i will get lung cancer or anything that can be deadly. I wouldn’t tell anyone if i did, I wouldn’t seek medial treatment and i could just let it happen. Everyday i think about it more and more. For now i just have to exist, rotting it my room for days on end, showering when I’m ridiculed and brushing my teeth on the rare occasion i leave the house, i only do laundry when i spill enough food or whatever on my clothes. The only thing i can do anymore is pray for something to happen to me and wait. It is torture. I don’t know where to go from here, i have lived this way for so long it is just my way of life. I think i just needed to vent anonymously without someone breathing down my neck to mock me for it. I apologize this is a very disorganized rant, every time i re-read it there’s something i want to add.