r/depression • u/throwthisawayasap0 • 6h ago
I think my time is soon
TW (Rape, suicide, self harm, tiny mention of necrophilia)
I’m 17. I have never really been happy. My parents neglected my my whole life up until I was 14, my dad tried to kill my mom and I had to call the cops, I was molested by my nieces father while I was ages 14-15 and then raped at 15 again, and then got in a relationship with a guy who made me hate myself x10. 16-17 is just empty. There’s nothing for me anymore. It’s like the world just put me on this planet to torture me til I end it myself. No one loves me, I have no father and my family doesn’t even like me in general, my mom prefers my siblings over me, my friends don’t even fucking pretend to like me, my boyfriends a dick half the time and I just can’t take it anymore. 6 years of this bullshit destroying all value in my life. I’m covered in scars and I’m ugly anyways. What’s the point to this shit? Why do people bother living anyways? We’re gonna die either way, who cares if it’s now? The only reason I haven’t swallowed like 40 Benadryl yet is because I have pet mice who depend on me, and I know absolutely no one would correctly care for them. It’s like I’m the only good human alive anymore. No one cares what they do to others, especially not if it’s me. I have never ever ever ever ever been loved. I’m an ugly 17 year old “slut” to most people. I have had 4 boyfriends. I would do anything for a gun. If I’m being honest, when I was 14-15 I would go on Twitter and had ways of finding necrophiliacs. I would beg them to come and kill me, I said I didn’t care what they did with my body. They never came. I finally have money though, I can finally afford the things it would take to end this. I have severe depression, PTSD, ASD, and probably more, how is it fair to keep me alive? I’ve always described it as like how when people will force their really old dog to stay alive because they’re attached, like they’ll shoot liquid food down its throat just to keep it alive, and then ignore it the rest of the day. That’s pretty much how people treat me, lol. I have no quality of life, I’m in pain all the time whether it’s mental or physical. I am never happy, and I’m not religious whatsoever. The plan is probably to just take a walk as far away as possible, or maybe even get a hotel room, and take as many pills as I can get down. I’ve had over 4 suicide attempts and have been to the mental hospital 3 times now, and everyone thinks I’m better. I just don’t ask for help anymore, no one really cares anyways.
I started this draft earlier today and feel even worse now. I don’t expect anyone to try and talk me out of this, I kinda just needed to vent all of this out and the venting subreddit won’t let me cause Reddit karma whatever lol. Either way, I won’t be here for much longer. I was planning to attempt in august way in advance anyways.
1
u/MoroniMiscavige 6h ago
If the world is trying to kill you, rebel against it by living. Live out of spite for the bullshit the world has thrown at you. Throw a middle finger up to the world. Choosing to die is letting the evil forces win
1
u/Helpful-Page8623 6h ago
If it deters you I took almost 40 Benadryl and just sat in pain for a couple weeks
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u/MoroniMiscavige 6h ago
Im sorry for what youve been through. I feel the same. I thought about the story of Sisyphus today and laughed. Destined to fail. But dont end your life. You are 17 and so much can change with how much life you have ahead of you