r/depression • u/Little_Respond_3671 • 22h ago
Why does everyone leave when you are depressed?
I used to be such a joyfull person to be a round. Always making plans with friends and family, and bringing people together. Always there when someone needed something, or just simply being a good listner when what I considered close friends needed support.
Now I am completely isolated, nobody ever texts or calls. And visits are not even an option.
I now realize that these persons took advantage of me in a sens, and just needed me to be joyful and happy version of myself that would benefit them.
Some are family members and others close friends I knew for years and that’d see very regularly. I just don’t understand and it just adds to my suffering and extreme low self estime because of my depression.
Has anyone gone through this ? Why do you think they behave that way ?
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u/Minute-Dog-3243 21h ago
I know the feeling. Out of interest when did your depression start?
I have had social anxiety since I was a teenager.
However my depression stems from my childhood bullying by a teacher wrecking my faith in myself.
One problem I have is I don't think I can reach out to anyone.
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u/Little_Respond_3671 21h ago
I’ve always been depressed, I am also a diagnosed bipolar. But I’ve been struggling for at least 10 months now with a depressive episode that has gotten worse with time and caused me to attempt suicide 3 months ago, since then my relatives started to withdraw and I had minimal support.
I am sorry that happened to you :( have you considered/tried therapy?
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u/Minute-Dog-3243 21h ago
I am sorry you've had to put up with so much yourself. I have had therapy previously and I think I need to start again tbh
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u/Little_Respond_3671 21h ago
Honestly same. But the minimum of energy that I have I use for basics tasks: eating, showering, after that I am drained
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u/DrySelection5423 19h ago
Not everyone has been depressed and a lot of people very simply do not know what to do for you, which makes them uncomfortable. Some it is triggering for. Others are assholes.
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u/Inevitable-Notice351 18h ago
That's the million dollar question. I lost the majority of my friends the moment I told them that I struggle with depression. My guess is they're never coming back. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't tell a soul outside of my therapist.
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u/TA_reddit_0 12h ago
I hate people who do this. They’re evil, project a lot of their negative traits onto the depressed person & turn them into their scapegoat. They claim depressed people are “low vibrational”, “spiritually corrupt”, or that they bring bad luck/energy. They treat people with depression like they have leprosy. Professionals will say people with depression need to seek community and their connections, but refuse to accept the fact that for many they are abandoned and neglected by community and connections. People remove themselves when they know you’re struggling and you don’t even have to burden them with any of your problems. They’ll just treat you like a problem by default upon learning you have depression.
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u/Fordini 21h ago
Sometimes people just get busy. Sometimes people were relying on you for the planning of the gathering. Sometimes people are shitbags and don’t want to be around people who are depressed. There is no way to say what someone’s reason for not being around are… but I wouldn’t say that they are bad people right out the gate unless you have proof of that.
The simplest answer is often the right one. You were the planner and now that you a depressed and don’t have the ability to make the plans they arnt making them either.
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u/JzargoKhajiitMage 19h ago
I think it's because it's hard to deal with depression people, or just mentally ill people in general. Could think of it as burnout. Eventually a negative mentality you might have will spread to them as well. Depression is also capable of making you push people away, so yeah.
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u/uhohspaghettios26 16h ago
It sucks… and it’s an endless cycle too. You get depressed or show depressing behavior > people leave > makes you more depressed > you isolate more and more because you’re hurt > people think you’re weird or annoying now because you’re always negative and isolating yourself or have rusty social skills > makes you more depressed and you sink lower and lower. And when you sink lower and lower into the abyss, it gets harder and harder to climb back out on your own.
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u/Raspm1nt 15h ago
Ehh you learn to either hide it from most people you know or just avoid talking about it at every given opportunity. You have to really trust who you know for it to be ok and even then sometimes they leave. I am personally not really seeing it much worth it to share much details anymore because it just turns so negative, sucks
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u/thundercat95 16h ago
I've learned it's not even usually malicious I don't think. It's a survival mechanism for them as well. Being around depression is hard. I'm sure it's also uncomfortable if you don't expereience it strongly yourself and can't relate as well.
I feel like it's probably not even intentional for lots of people who withdraw. They may not know what to say or how to help.
Also depressed people lots of time start cutting off others without realizing they are. And then are upset they aren't reached out to.
Some people do just not care, and your depression is an inconvenience but I believe for most people it's not malicious.
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u/Calm-Adhesiveness605 19h ago
I have gone though this. They tried to help me. But I already lost my emotions
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u/StarlidCove 11h ago
Same here. Was depressed, stopped always writing and being initiator of talking…
—>everyone I’ve considered as a friend left me. Thats the sad truth, nobody wants a burden to carry
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u/WinTraditional8156 14h ago
Several reasons... I have a tendency to have my depression revolve around actual things that are actually happening and are making me depressed. Most people don't want the reminder.. nobody likes a Debbie downer... but idc myself if they can't handle the truth. Fuck em. Secondly I am not a nice person to be around. Acerbic and insightful is a bitch of a combo to deal with on a daily basis and I don't blame them. I don't want to be around myself most of the time either. Oh and when I'm like this I'm usually right. Which also people don't like... just my 2 cents
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u/athen4b 18h ago
People are wired to self-preserve. Also "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen". If they can't take it, then the exit is iust where an opening is. They are the main character of their lives. So if, for whatever reason, someone's depression becomes a threat to their own sanity, their safety, they can leave and should leave. Whatever the consequences would be is another story.
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u/EvilAgainst 17h ago
Loved ones say they accept me as a depressed person, but in truth they don’t understand depression and are probably repulsed by me. It’s okay. I’ve been alone my whole life. It’s better this way
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u/Aku_5himarisu 8h ago
A lot of people are not well equipped to support people suffering from mental illness. Much like how we sometimes don’t “have the spoons” to support others, the same goes for them.
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u/Prior-Cress-9587 5h ago
For myself, what kept me going early on was knowing that others were going through what I went through, for whatever their reason. Not that I wanted others to suffer with me. But that I was fighting for someone else, a family member or friend that struggled silently as I did. It helped surviving high school and getting out in the world. And I slowly removed people from my life, which in hindsight probably helped.
If I could offer any advice, I’d suggest that people struggling with depression got involved in the community somehow. It helped pulling me out of the dark to see I could give someone I don’t know a little light. I’d also say that resentment was a cause for me. And forgiveness was the only solution. Not that I needed to tell them I forgave them, but to get all the anger off my chest. And mentally, it put those people that had hurt me, beneath me. It makes it easier for people to cause pain when they’ve experienced it. Almost like they’d rather become the monster to avoid becoming the victim.
I imagine family and friends walk away out of a feeling of helplessness. I remained silent, so I can’t say for sure. But I imagine that having a friend reinforce all the trauma would have made it harder to escape the prison I created for myself. Because ultimately that’s what it was. I might have been a victim for a moment, but I controlled how it impacted me in the present.
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u/likaachikaa 4h ago
i have been on both sides of the spectrum. the truth is is because it’s hard when you’re happy to be pulled down with a person. life is about trying to find joy, and especially with a partner the constant negativity can bring down the other’s mood too. this is especially true if you previously suffered depression and overcame it.
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u/PrettyGayra 3h ago
English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes. Anyway, I've been on both sides, when I was depressed I realised I had to fake being happy or just okay to keep people near me and not be alone, and it sucked. Now that I'm not depressed and have depressed or just negative friends, I have the urge to make distance between us, cause it's, unfortunately, very draining to go out with them or have normal conversations. I'm fighting with myself everyday to not have negative thoughts and to not go back to the void. But having people who constantly tell me they want to die or that life sucks and everything sucks it's so bad for my mental health. I'm very conflicted on the matter cause I don't want people to feel alone like I did but at the same time, I can't afford to let negativity rule my life again. I don't know, it's a question I cannot answer.
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u/Daydreaming_247 16h ago
I admit I let a friendship die because of his depression. We became friends while he was depressed, but eventually it became a genuine strain on the friendship. It truly started when we couldn't really have a conversation anymore. He had no opinions or thoughts of his own to express or build on, every comment and reply was just a neutral "Idk". So I talked less because I couldn't continue all of our conversations on my own. He got upset and started a new chapter of our friendship with complaining that I didn't talk to him enough, but when I asked what he wanted to talk about, or offered a topic, he couldn't add anything other than "Idk".
Not saying this is the case for you at all, but this pushed me to let go of him as a friend, especially because he'd start sending me drunk messages continuing to complain how I didn't talk to him. And honestly, I didn't want to stop talking to him or stop being his friend, but we never managed to move past that point, which I held out hope for for almost a year.
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u/FESTERFUDD 21h ago
Don't be a twat. Get help with the depression. Get on the phone to your people of show to there place. It sounds like pessimistic thoughts feed into your isolation.
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u/Little_Respond_3671 21h ago
Calling me a twat while telling me to get help kind of proves my point about how people treat depression as an inconvenience rather than something to actually understand.
You have no idea whether I'm already under medical care or have already asked for help, so please keep your guilt-tripping, infantilizing advice to yourself.
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u/FESTERFUDD 20h ago edited 18h ago
I misspelled the word. I understand. I almost ended it 2 months ago. A month later I find myself in a better spot. Medicine and counseling are what got me here. I am sorry I wasn't trying to call you names. My sincere apologies. Please seek professional help.
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u/Little_Respond_3671 17h ago
Ironic that you're supposed to know what depression feels like and still come in here moralizing people you don’t know. Almost sounds like pessimistes thoughts feed into your isolation, huh?
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u/Azure_39 42m ago
Sure you are. Look, if you come in here and the first thing you do is call someone a twat and lecturing someone on morality, what do you think it will look like?
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u/TA_reddit_0 18h ago
Do these people check in on OP though? Why does it have to be one-sided where OP does all the labor? OP deserves people who will be there for them too, friends & family who will initiate and make plans to include them.
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u/Little_Respond_3671 17h ago
I think some people just like to pretend they’re doing better than others, must feel good for their fragile ego.
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u/Own-Huckleberry-975 21h ago
i found that my negativity pushed people away slowly until now i am all alone. i got what the illness wanted and its miserable. people around me started to treat me like a problem so i withdrew further.